Eve Ensler: Suddenly, my body

Prevoditelj: Senzos Osijek Recezent: Tilen Pigac - EFZG

For a long time,

Dugo vremena,

there was me, and my body.

postojali smo ja i moje tijelo.

Me was composed of stories,

Ja sam se sastojala od priča,

of cravings, of strivings,

žudnji, težnji,

of desires of the future.

želja za budućnošću.

Me was trying

Nisam pokušavala biti

not to be an outcome of my violent past,

ishod svoje nasilne prošlosti,

but the separation that had already occurred

ali odvajanje koje se već dogodilo

between me and my body

između mene i mog tijela

was a pretty significant outcome.

bio je veoma značajan ishod.

Me was always trying to become something, somebody.

Ja sam uvijek željela postati nešto, netko.

Me only existed in the trying.

Ja sam postojala samo u pokušavanju.

My body was often in the way.

Tijelo mi je često bilo prepreka.

Me was a floating head.

Ja sam bila plutajuća glava.

For years, I actually only wore hats.

Godinama sam zapravo nosila samo šešire.

It was a way of keeping my head attached.

To je bio način da održim glavu pričvršćenom.

It was a way of locating myself.

Bio je to način da se lociram.

I worried that [if] I took my hat off

Brinula sam se da više

I wouldn't be here anymore.

neću biti ovdje ako skinem šešir.

I actually had a therapist who once said to me,

Zapravo sam imala terapeuta koji mi je jednom rekao,

"Eve, you've been coming here for two years,

„Eve, dolaziš ovdje već dvije godine

and, to be honest, it never occurred to me that you had a body."

i da budem iskren nikada mi nije palo na pamet da imaš tijelo“.

All this time I lived in the city

Svo ovo vrijeme živjela sam u gradu

because, to be honest,

jer sam se, da budem iskrena,

I was afraid of trees.

bojala drveća.

I never had babies

Nikada nisam imala djecu

because heads cannot give birth.

jer glava ne može roditi.

Babies actually don't come out of your mouth.

Djeca zapravo ne dolaze iz vaših usta.

As I had no reference point for my body,

S obzirom da nisam imala referentnu točku za svoje tijelo,

I began to ask other women about their bodies --

počela sam ispitivati druge žene o njihovim tijelima --

in particular, their vaginas,

točnije, njihovim vaginama

because I thought vaginas were kind of important.

jer sam smatrala da su vagine nekako važne.

This led to me writing "The Vagina Monologues,"

To me dovelo do pisanja „Vagininih monologa“

which led to me obsessively and incessantly

što me odvelo do opsesivnog i neprestanog

talking about vaginas everywhere I could.

pričanja o vaginama gdje god sam mogla.

I did this in front of many strangers.

Radila sam to pred mnogim strancima.

One night on stage,

Jedne večeri na pozornici,

I actually entered my vagina.

zapravo sam stupila u svoju vaginu.

It was an ecstatic experience.

Bilo je to presretno iskustvo.

It scared me, it energized me,

Preplašilo me, dalo mi energiju

and then I became a driven person,

i onda sam postala motivirana osoba,

a driven vagina.

motivirana vagina.

I began to see my body like a thing,

Počela sam gledati svoje tijelo kao stvar,

a thing that could move fast,

stvar koja se brzo može kretati,

like a thing that could accomplish other things,

kao stvar koja može postići druge stvari,

many things, all at once.

mnoge stvari, sve odjednom.

I began to see my body like an iPad or a car.

Počela sam gledati svoje tijelo kao iPad ili auto.

I would drive it and demand things from it.

Vozila bih ga i zahtijevala stvari od njega.

It had no limits. It was invincible.

Nije imalo granice. Bilo je nepobjedivo.

It was to be conquered and mastered like the Earth herself.

Trebalo je biti osvojeno i savladano kao Zemlja sama.

I didn't heed it;

Nisam obraćala pažnju,

no, I organized it and I directed it.

ne, organizirala sam je i režirala.

I didn't have patience for my body;

Nisam imala strpljenja za svoje tijelo;

I snapped it into shape.

pukla sam.

I was greedy.

Bila sam pohlepna.

I took more than my body had to offer.

Uzela sam više no što je moje tijelo ponudilo.

If I was tired, I drank more espressos.

Kad bih bila umorna, pila bih više espressa.

If I was afraid, I went to more dangerous places.

Kad bih se bojala, išla bih na opasnija mjesta.

Oh sure, sure, I had moments of appreciation of my body,

O, naravno, naravno, imala sam trenutke kada sam cijenila svoje tijelo,

the way an abusive parent

na način koji uvredljiv roditelj

can sometimes have a moment of kindness.

ponekad ima trenutke ljubaznosti.

My father was really kind to me

Moj otac je bio veoma ljubazan prema meni

on my 16th birthday, for example.

na moj šesnaesti rođendan, na primjer.

I heard people murmur from time to time

Čula sam kako ljudi mumljaju s vremena na vrijeme

that I should love my body,

kako bih trebala voljeti svoje tijelo,

so I learned how to do this.

pa sam naučila kako to učiniti.

I was a vegetarian, I was sober, I didn't smoke.

Bila sam vegetarijanka, bila sam trijezna, nisam pušila.

But all that was just a more sophisticated way

Ali sve to je bio sofisticiraniji način

to manipulate my body --

kako manipulirati svojim tijelom --

a further disassociation,

daljnja disocijacija,

like planting a vegetable field on a freeway.

poput sađenja povrtnjaka na autocesti.

As a result of me talking so much about my vagina,

Kao rezultat toga što toliko govorim o svojoj vagini,

many women started to tell me about theirs --

mnogo žena mi je počelo govoriti o svojima --

their stories about their bodies.

svoje priče o njihovim tijelima.

Actually, these stories compelled me around the world,

Zapravo, ove priče natjerale su me oko cijelog svijeta

and I've been to over 60 countries.

i bila sam u preko 60 zemalja.

I heard thousands of stories,

Čula sam tisuće priča.

and I have to tell you, there was always this moment

I moram vam reći, uvijek je postojao taj trenutak

where the women shared with me

kada su žene sa mnom podijelile

that particular moment when she separated from her body --

taj određen trenutak kada se ona odvojila od njenog tijela --

when she left home.

kada je otišla kući.

I heard about women being molested in their beds,

Čula sam o ženama koje su bile zlostavljane u svojim krevetima,

flogged in their burqas,

išibane u svojim burkama,

left for dead in parking lots,

nasmrt ostavljene na parkiralištima,

acid burned in their kitchens.

opečene kiselinom u svojim kuhinjama.

Some women became quiet and disappeared.

Neke žene su postale tihe i nestale su.

Other women became mad, driven machines like me.

Druge su žene postale ljute, motivirani strojevi poput mene.

In the middle of my traveling,

Na sredini svog putovanja

I turned 40 and I began to hate my body,

napunila sam 40 godina i počela mrziti svoje tijelo,

which was actually progress,

što je zapravo bio napredak,

because at least my body existed enough to hate it.

zato što je moje tijelo postojalo barem da ga mrzim.

Well my stomach -- it was my stomach I hated.

Doduše želudac -- mrzila sam svoj želudac.

It was proof that I had not measured up,

On je bio dokaz da se nisam izmjerila,

that I was old and not fabulous and not perfect

da sam bila stara i nisam bila nevjerojatna i nisam bila savršena

or able to fit into the predetermined corporate image in shape.

ni sposobna stati u određeni oblik.

My stomach was proof that I had failed,

Moj želudac je bio dokaz da nisam uspjela,

that it had failed me, that it was broken.

da mi to nije uspjelo, da je bilo slomljeno.

My life became about getting rid of it and obsessing about getting rid of it.

Moj se život sveo na to da ga se riješim i opsesija da ga se riješim.

In fact, it became so extreme

Zapravo, postalo je toliko ekstremno

I wrote a play about it.

da sam napisala dramu o tome.

But the more I talked about it,

Ali što sam više pričala o tome,

the more objectified and fragmented my body became.

tim je više moje tijelo postajalo ostvarivo i razlomljeno.

It became entertainment; it became a new kind of commodity,

Postalo je zabava, postalo je nova vrsta robe,

something I was selling.

nešto što sam prodavala.

Then I went somewhere else.

Zatim sam otišla negdje drugdje.

I went outside

Otišla sam van onoga

what I thought I knew.

što sam mislila da sam znala.

I went to the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Otišla sam u Demokratsku Republiku Kongo.

And I heard stories

I čula sam priče

that shattered all the other stories.

koje su razbile sve druge priče.

I heard stories

Čula sam priče

that got inside my body.

koje su ušle unutar mog tijela.

I heard about a little girl

Čula sam o maloj djevojčici

who couldn't stop peeing on herself

koja nije mogla prestati piškiti po sebi

because so many grown soldiers

zato što se mnogo odraslih vojnika

had shoved themselves inside her.

bilo uguralo u nju.

I heard an 80-year-old woman

Čula sam osamdesetogodišnjakinju

whose legs were broken and pulled out of her sockets

čije su noge bile slomljene i izvučene iz čarapa

and twisted up on her head

i izvrnute na glavu

as the soldiers raped her like that.

dok su je vojnici tako silovali.

There are thousands of these stories,

Postoje tisuće ovakvih priča.

and many of the women had holes in their bodies --

I mnoge žene su imale rupe na svojim tijelima --

holes, fistula --

rupe, fistule --

that were the violation of war --

koje su povreda rata --

holes in the fabric of their souls.

rupe u tkanini njihovih duša.

These stories saturated my cells and nerves,

Te su priče zasitile moje stanice i živce.

and to be honest,

I da budem iskrena,

I stopped sleeping for three years.

nisam spavala tri godine.

All the stories began to bleed together.

Sve su priče zajedno počele krvariti.

The raping of the Earth,

Silovanje Zemlje,

the pillaging of minerals,

pljačkanje minerala,

the destruction of vaginas --

uništavanje vagina --

none of these were separate anymore

nijedna od ovih nije bila odvojena više

from each other or me.

od ostalih ili mene.

Militias were raping six-month-old babies

Narodna vojska silovala je šestomjesečnu djecu

so that countries far away

kako bi udaljene zemlje

could get access to gold and coltan

mogle dobiti pristup zlatu i koltanu

for their iPhones and computers.

za njihove iPhone i računala.

My body had not only become a driven machine,

Moje tijelo nije postalo samo motivirani stroj,

but it was responsible now

već je bilo odgovorno za

for destroying other women's bodies

uništavanje tuđih ženskih tijela

in its mad quest to make more machines

u svom ludom pohodu kako bi napravilo još više strojeva

to support the speed and efficiency of my machine.

kako bi se podržala brzina i učinkovitost mog stroja.

Then I got cancer --

Onda sam dobila rak --

or I found out I had cancer.

ili sam otkrila da imam rak.

It arrived like a speeding bird

Došlo je to poput brze ptice

smashing into a windowpane.

koja udara u prozorsko okno.

Suddenly, I had a body,

Odjednom, imala sam tijelo,

a body that was pricked

tijelo koje su ubadali,

and poked and punctured,

gurkali i punktirali,

a body that was cut wide open,

tijelo koje su širom razrezali,

a body that had organs removed

tijelo čije su organe uklonili

and transported and rearranged and reconstructed,

i transportirali, preuredili i obnovili,

a body that was scanned

tijelo koje je bilo skenirano

and had tubes shoved down it,

i imalo cjevčice zabijene u njega,

a body that was burning from chemicals.

tijelo koje je gorjelo od kemikalija.

Cancer exploded

Rak je razorio

the wall of my disconnection.

zid moje razjedinjenosti.

I suddenly understood that the crisis in my body

Odjednom sam razumjela da je kriza u mom tijelu

was the crisis in the world,

kriza u svijetu

and it wasn't happening later,

i nije se događala kasnije,

it was happening now.

događala se sada.

Suddenly, my cancer was a cancer that was everywhere,

Odjednom, moj rak je bio rak koji se nalazio posvuda,

the cancer of cruelty, the cancer of greed,

rak okrutnosti, rak pohlepe,

the cancer that gets inside people

rak koji ulazi unutar ljudi

who live down the streets from chemical plants -- and they're usually poor --

koji žive blizu kemijskih tvornica -- i obično su prilično siromašni --

the cancer inside the coal miner's lungs,

rak unutar rudarevih pluća,

the cancer of stress for not achieving enough,

rak zbog stresa jer nismo dovoljno postigli,

the cancer of buried trauma,

rak zbog pokopanih trauma,

the cancer in caged chickens and polluted fish,

rak u zatvorenim kokošima i zagađenim ribama,

the cancer in women's uteruses from being raped,

rak u ženskim maternicama zbog zlostavljanja,

the cancer that is everywhere from our carelessness.

rak koji je posvuda zbog našeg nemara.

In his new and visionary book,

U svojoj novoj, vizionarskoj knjizi

"New Self, New World,"

„Novi ja, novi svijet“,

the writer Philip Shepherd says,

pisac Philip Shepher kaže,

"If you are divided from your body,

„Ako ste odvojeni od svog tijela,

you are also divided from the body of the world,

također ste odvojeni i od tijela svijeta,

which then appears to be other than you

koje se onda čini drugačijim od vas

or separate from you,

ili od toga kako se odvajate od njega,

rather than the living continuum

radije nego živući kontinuitet

to which you belong."

kojem pripadate“.

Before cancer,

Prije raka,

the world was something other.

svijet je bio nešto drugo.

It was as if I was living in a stagnant pool

Bilo je to kao da živim u ustajalom bazenu

and cancer dynamited the boulder

i rak je razbio stijenu

that was separating me from the larger sea.

koja me odvajala od velikog mora.

Now I am swimming in it.

Sada plivam u njemu.

Now I lay down in the grass

Sada legnem na travu

and I rub my body in it,

i trljam tijelo o nju

and I love the mud on my legs and feet.

i volim blato na svojim nogama i stopalima.

Now I make a daily pilgrimage

Sada imam dnevno hodčašće

to visit a particular weeping willow by the Seine,

kako bih posjetila određenu žalosnu vrbu pokraj Seine

and I hunger for the green fields

i žudim za zelenim poljima

in the bush outside Bukavu.

u divljini izvan Bukava.

And when it rains hard rain,

A kada lije kiša

I scream and I run in circles.

vrištim i trčim u krug.

I know that everything is connected,

Znam da je sve povezano

and the scar that runs the length of my torso

i ožiljak koji se proteže duž mog tijela

is the markings of the earthquake.

je oznaka potresa.

And I am there with the three million in the streets of Port-au-Prince.

I ja sam tamo s tri milijuna na ulicama Port-au-Princea.

And the fire that burned in me

I vatra koja gori u meni

on day three through six of chemo

trećeg dana od šest kemoterapija

is the fire that is burning

je vatra koja gori

in the forests of the world.

u šumama svijeta.

I know that the abscess

I znam da je gnojna upala

that grew around my wound after the operation,

koja se stvorila oko moje rane nakon operacije,

the 16 ounces of puss,

4 dl gnoja,

is the contaminated Gulf of Mexico,

to je zagađeni Meksički zaljev,

and there were oil-drenched pelicans inside me

i postojali su uljem natopljeni pelikani u meni

and dead floating fish.

i mrtve plutajuće ribe.

And the catheters they shoved into me without proper medication

A kateteri koje su zabili u mene bez odgovarajućih lijekova

made me scream out

natjerali su me da vrištim

the way the Earth cries out from the drilling.

kao što Zemlja plače zbog bušenja.

In my second chemo,

Za vrijeme druge kemoterapije

my mother got very sick

moja se majka jako razboljela

and I went to see her.

i otišla sam je posjetiti.

And in the name of connectedness,

I u ime povezanosti,

the only thing she wanted before she died

jedina stvar koju je željela prije no što je umrla

was to be brought home

jest da je se odvede kući

by her beloved Gulf of Mexico.

u njen voljeni Meksički zaljev.

So we brought her home,

Odveli smo je kući

and I prayed that the oil wouldn't wash up on her beach

i molila sam se da ulje ne ispere njenu plažu

before she died.

prije no što umre.

And gratefully, it didn't.

I na sreću, nije.

And she died quietly in her favorite place.

I spokojno je umrla na svom omiljenom mjestu.

And a few weeks later, I was in New Orleans,

Nekoliko tjedana kasnije bila sam u New Orleansu,

and this beautiful, spiritual friend

i jedna divna, duhovna prijateljica

told me she wanted to do a healing for me.

mi je rekla da bi željela za mene napraviti iscjeljenje.

And I was honored.

I bila sam počašćena.

And I went to her house, and it was morning,

Otišla sam u njenu kuću i bilo je jutro,

and the morning New Orleans sun was filtering through the curtains.

jutro u kojem se sunce New Orleansa probijalo kroz zastore.

And my friend was preparing this big bowl,

Moja prijateljica je pripremala tu veliku zdjelu,

and I said, "What is it?"

i rekla sam, „Što je to?“,

And she said, "It's for you.

a ona je rekla, „To je za tebe.

The flowers make it beautiful,

Cvijeće ga čini lijepim,

and the honey makes it sweet."

med ga čini slatkim“.

And I said, "But what's the water part?"

A ja sam rekla, „Ali što je vodeni dio?“

And in the name of connectedness,

i u ime povezanosti,

she said, "Oh, it's the Gulf of Mexico."

rekla je, „Oh, to je Meksički zaljev“.

And I said, "Of course it is."

A ja sam rekla, „Naravno da je“.

And the other women arrived and they sat in a circle,

Zatim je stigla druga žena i sjele su u krug,

and Michaela bathed my head with the sacred water.

a Michaela je kupala moju glavu posvećenom vodom.

And she sang -- I mean her whole body sang.

I pjevala je -- mislim cijelo tijelo joj je pjevalo.

And the other women sang

A druga žena je pjevala

and they prayed for me and my mother.

i molile su se za mene i moju majku.

And as the warm Gulf washed over my naked head,

I kako se topao zaljev prelio po mojoj goloj glavi,

I realized that it held

shvatila sam da sam držala

the best and the worst of us.

ono najbolje i najgore od nas.

It was the greed and recklessness

Bila je to pohlepa i nesmotrenost

that led to the drilling explosion.

koja je dovela do strašne eksplozije.

It was all the lies that got told

Bile su to sve laži koje su rečene

before and after.

prije i kasnije.

It was the honey in the water that made it sweet,

Bio je to med u vodi koji ju je zasladio,

it was the oil that made it sick.

bilo je to ulje od kojeg se razboljelo.

It was my head that was bald --

Bila je to moja ćelava glava

and comfortable now without a hat.

kojoj je sada bilo ugodno bez šešira.

It was my whole self

Cijela sam se

melting into Michaela's lap.

topila u Mihaelinom krilu.

It was the tears that were indistinguishable from the Gulf

Bile su to suze koje se nisu vidjele od zaljeva

that were falling down my cheek.

koje su padale niz obraze.

It was finally being in my body.

Konačno je to bilo moje tijelo.

It was the sorrow

Bila je to tuga

that's taken so long.

kojoj je toliko trebalo.

It was finding my place

Bilo je to pronalaženje mog mjesta

and the huge responsibility

i golema odgovornost

that comes with connection.

koja dolazi s vezom.

It was the continuing devastating war in the Congo

Bio je to neprekidan poražavajući rat u Kongu

and the indifference of the world.

i različitost svijeta.

It was the Congolese women

Bile su to žene iz Konga

who are now rising up.

koje su sada ustajale.

It was my mother leaving,

Bila je to moja majka koja je odlazila,

just at the moment

baš u trenu

that I was being born.

kada sam se ja rađala.

It was the realization

Bilo je to razumijevanje

that I had come very close to dying --

da sam došla veoma blizu smrti --

in the same way that the Earth, our mother,

na isti način na koji se Zemlja, naša majka,

is barely holding on,

jedva drži,

in the same way that 75 percent of the planet

na isti način na koji se 75 posto planeta

are hardly scraping by,

teško grebe,

in the same way

na isti način

that there is a recipe for survival.

da postoji recept za preživljavanje.

What I learned

Ono što sam naučila

is it has to do with attention and resources

ima veze s pažnjom i izvorima

that everybody deserves.

koje svatko zaslužuje.

It was advocating friends

Bili to dragi prijatelji

and a doting sister.

i voljena sestra.

It was wise doctors and advanced medicine

Bili to mudri doktori i napredna medicina

and surgeons who knew what to do with their hands.

i kirurzi koji znaju što da rade sa svojim rukama.

It was underpaid and really loving nurses.

Bile to potplaćene i veoma voljene medicinske sestre.

It was magic healers and aromatic oils.

Bili to magični iscjelitelji i aromatična ulja.

It was people who came with spells and rituals.

Bili to ljudi koji dolaze sa činima i ritualima.

It was having a vision of the future

Bilo to imanje vizije za budućnost

and something to fight for,

i nešto za što se možete boriti,

because I know this struggle isn't my own.

zato što znam da ova borba nije samo moja.

It was a million prayers.

Bilo je tu milijun molitvi.

It was a thousand hallelujahs

Tisuću aleluja

and a million oms.

i milijuni omova.

It was a lot of anger,

Bilo je mnogo ljutnje,

insane humor,

ludog humora,

a lot of attention, outrage.

mnogo pažnje, uvreda.

It was energy, love and joy.

Bilo je energije, ljubavi i radosti.

It was all these things.

Bile su sve te stvari.

It was all these things.

Bile su sve te stvari.

It was all these things

Sve te stvari su bile

in the water, in the world, in my body.

u vodi, svijetu, u mom tijelu.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)