Eve Ensler: Suddenly, my body

Translator: Anqi Feng Reviewer: Ann Lee

For a long time,

長久以來，

there was me, and my body.

我，與我的身體，似乎毫不相關。

Me was composed of stories,

“我”滿腦都系故事，

of cravings, of strivings,

都系願望和追求

of desires of the future.

同埋對未來嘅憧憬。

Me was trying

“我”一直系度努力，

not to be an outcome of my violent past,

唔好成為我那不堪回首的過去所造成的惡果，

but the separation that had already occurred

但其實，

between me and my body

“我”與“我嘅身體”的分離，

was a pretty significant outcome.

就系一個非常惡劣的後果。

Me was always trying to become something, somebody.

“我”過去經常渴望成為大人物。

Me only existed in the trying.

那個“我”，不斷地嘗試。

My body was often in the way.

“我嘅身體”卻總阻住“我”。

Me was a floating head.

“我”系一個漂浮的靈魂。

For years, I actually only wore hats.

甘多年來，我其實只戴帽。

It was a way of keeping my head attached.

甘可以讓我感覺到，我嘅頭仲系度。

It was a way of locating myself.

系一種“穩返自我”嘅方法。

I worried that [if] I took my hat off

我時常擔心，如果我脫佐頂帽，

I wouldn't be here anymore.

我就不復存在了。

I actually had a therapist who once said to me,

以前有一個醫生同我講，

"Eve, you've been coming here for two years,

“伊娃，你已經來呢度兩年了，”

and, to be honest, it never occurred to me that you had a body."

“講句實話，我從來不認為你有個身體。”

All this time I lived in the city

我過去一直住系城裡，

because, to be honest,

因為，講句實話，

I was afraid of trees.

我好驚啲樹。

I never had babies

我一直無生BB，

because heads cannot give birth.

因為凈得個頭，系生唔到BB嘅。

Babies actually don't come out of your mouth.

BB唔會從把口入邊出來。

As I had no reference point for my body,

因為我對自己嘅身體無發言權，

I began to ask other women about their bodies --

我開始問其他嘅女人，關於佢地嘅身體——

in particular, their vaginas,

特別系，佢地嘅陰道。

because I thought vaginas were kind of important.

因為，我認為陰道系一個很重要的部位。

This led to me writing "The Vagina Monologues,"

呢個亦系我點解會開始寫“陰道的獨白”的原因，

which led to me obsessively and incessantly

也令我執著不斷地，持續地，

talking about vaginas everywhere I could.

到處談論陰道。

I did this in front of many strangers.

我系陌生人面前都會講。

One night on stage,

有一晚，系臺上，

I actually entered my vagina.

我進入佐我的陰道。

It was an ecstatic experience.

呢次經歷令我狂喜。

It scared me, it energized me,

令我恐慌，令我充滿活力。

and then I became a driven person,

我從此之後，變得好似被操縱，

a driven vagina.

我的陰道亦都似被操縱。

I began to see my body like a thing,

我開始將我嘅身體當成一件物品，

a thing that could move fast,

佢可以很快地移動，

like a thing that could accomplish other things,

可以完成其他的事情，

many things, all at once.

可以同時完成很多事情。

I began to see my body like an iPad or a car.

我開始將我的身體看作一部iPad或者汽車。

I would drive it and demand things from it.

我可以渣住佢，驅使佢，從佢身上得到很多。

It had no limits. It was invincible.

佢無極限，佢不可戰勝。

It was to be conquered and mastered like the Earth herself.

就像地球一樣，佢能被征服，被掌控。

I didn't heed it;

我根本唔關心佢；

no, I organized it and I directed it.

我吩咐佢，命令佢。

I didn't have patience for my body;

我對佢無耐心；

I snapped it into shape.

我將佢硬生折成我要的形狀。

I was greedy.

我太貪心了。

I took more than my body had to offer.

我要的比佢能俾的多得多。

If I was tired, I drank more espressos.

如果我累佐，我就飲咖啡。

If I was afraid, I went to more dangerous places.

如果我怕佐，我就去更多危險嘅地方。

Oh sure, sure, I had moments of appreciation of my body,

不過肯定啦，我都有欣賞佢嘅時候。

the way an abusive parent

就好似，暴虐嘅父母，

can sometimes have a moment of kindness.

都有時會慈悲。

My father was really kind to me

好比，系我16歲生日果日，

on my 16th birthday, for example.

我爹地就真系對我很好。

I heard people murmur from time to time

我時常聽到人人竊竊私語，

that I should love my body,

講，我應該愛惜自己嘅身體。

so I learned how to do this.

所以，我一直努力學點去愛惜身體。

I was a vegetarian, I was sober, I didn't smoke.

我過去系素食主義者，唔飲酒，唔食煙。

But all that was just a more sophisticated way

不過，這只不過系一種，去操縱身體

to manipulate my body --

更複雜嘅方式——

a further disassociation,

系與身體嘅分離，

like planting a vegetable field on a freeway.

就好似系公路上種蔬菜。

As a result of me talking so much about my vagina,

因為我成日講我嘅陰道，

many women started to tell me about theirs --

好多女人都開始話卑我知，佢地嘅陰道——

their stories about their bodies.

佢地嘅故事，關於佢地嘅身體。

Actually, these stories compelled me around the world,

呢地故事，令我想去世界各地行下。

and I've been to over 60 countries.

我去佐60幾個國家。

I heard thousands of stories,

我聽到成千上萬個故事。

and I have to tell you, there was always this moment

我想話卑你知，總有一個時刻，

where the women shared with me

那些女人話卑我知，

that particular moment when she separated from her body --

佢地與佢地嘅身體分離嘅那一個時刻——

when she left home.

離開家嘅那一刻。

I heard about women being molested in their beds,

我聽講，女人們系自己嘅床上被性騷擾，

flogged in their burqas,

系自己嘅布卡入邊被鞭打，

left for dead in parking lots,

系停車場里奄奄一息，

acid burned in their kitchens.

系自己嘅廚房里被潑上酸性腐蝕液體。

Some women became quiet and disappeared.

有些女人沉默了，有些銷聲匿跡了。

Other women became mad, driven machines like me.

仲有一些，變得瘋癲，變得似我，似部被人操縱嘅機器。

In the middle of my traveling,

在我嘅旅途中，

I turned 40 and I began to hate my body,

我40歲了，我開始憎恨我嘅身體，

which was actually progress,

不過其實系進步佐，

because at least my body existed enough to hate it.

起碼我嘅身體已經有資格被恨了。

Well my stomach -- it was my stomach I hated.

我嘅肚——我好憎我嘅肚。

It was proof that I had not measured up,

佢話卑我知，我唔合格，

that I was old and not fabulous and not perfect

我又老，又無魅力，又唔完美

or able to fit into the predetermined corporate image in shape.

不能與原定嘅，大家心目中嘅形象相匹配。

My stomach was proof that I had failed,

我嘅肚，證明佐我嘅失敗，

that it had failed me, that it was broken.

佢令我失望，佢形如廢物。

My life became about getting rid of it and obsessing about getting rid of it.

我嘅生活開始圍繞點除佐佢，我心神不寧，一心要除佐佢。

In fact, it became so extreme

事實上，佢變得甘極端，

I wrote a play about it.

我甚至寫佐關於佢嘅一部劇。

But the more I talked about it,

不過，我講起佢，講得愈多，

the more objectified and fragmented my body became.

我嘅身體，就顯得越加似個冷冰冰、破碎嘅物體。

It became entertainment; it became a new kind of commodity,

變得似娛樂，似新商品，

something I was selling.

我到處推銷嘅一件物品。

Then I went somewhere else.

然後，我去佐另一個地方。

I went outside

我行出去，

what I thought I knew.

去佐一個我自以為我熟識嘅地方。

I went to the Democratic Republic of Congo.

我去佐剛果共和國。

And I heard stories

我聽聞佐一些故事，

that shattered all the other stories.

呢地故事令其他嘅故事黯然無光。

I heard stories

呢地故事

that got inside my body.

貫穿佐我嘅身體。

I heard about a little girl

一個小女孩，

who couldn't stop peeing on herself

小便失禁，

because so many grown soldiers

因為有好多成年士兵，

had shoved themselves inside her.

殘忍地強暴佐她。

I heard an 80-year-old woman

一個80歲嘅老婆婆，

whose legs were broken and pulled out of her sockets

被折斷佐腿，脫佐臼，

and twisted up on her head

被扭到頭頂，

as the soldiers raped her like that.

那些士兵就系甘強暴佐佢。

There are thousands of these stories,

有成千上萬個咁樣嘅故事。

and many of the women had holes in their bodies --

許多女人身體里永遠的留低佐創口——

holes, fistula --

一個個洞，一個個流膿嘅傷口——

that were the violation of war --

呢地都系戰爭留低嘅傷口——

holes in the fabric of their souls.

靈魂嘅創口。

These stories saturated my cells and nerves,

呢地故事塞滿佐我嘅每個細胞同神經。

and to be honest,

講句實話，

I stopped sleeping for three years.

我三年都無好好地甘訓一覺了。

All the stories began to bleed together.

呢地故事流梗血。

The raping of the Earth,

對地球嘅施暴，

the pillaging of minerals,

對礦物嘅掠奪，

the destruction of vaginas --

對陰道嘅摧毀——

none of these were separate anymore

再唔系毫不相關嘅

from each other or me.

全部同彼此，同我連埋一齊。

Militias were raping six-month-old babies

軍隊士兵強暴六個月大嘅嬰兒，

so that countries far away

為佐遠在天邊嘅祖國，

could get access to gold and coltan

能得到黃金和鈳膽鐵礦，

for their iPhones and computers.

來生產iPhone同電腦。

My body had not only become a driven machine,

我嘅身體不單單只成為佐被驅使的機器，

but it was responsible now

更為滿足自己呢部機器嘅速度同效率

for destroying other women's bodies

瘋狂甘要求其他被驅使的機器來滿足自己

in its mad quest to make more machines

果地機器又去摧毀其他女人嘅身體，

to support the speed and efficiency of my machine.

我要為呢件事負全責。

Then I got cancer --

於是，我得了癌癥——

or I found out I had cancer.

或者，系我發現佐，我得佐癌癥。

It arrived like a speeding bird

就好似一隻快速飛來嘅雀仔，

smashing into a windowpane.

撞到一扇玻璃窗。

Suddenly, I had a body,

突然間，我“有”佐身體，

a body that was pricked

佢千瘡百孔，

and poked and punctured,

到處都系傷口，

a body that was cut wide open,

被切得鮮血淋漓，

a body that had organs removed

佢失去佐原本嘅器官，

and transported and rearranged and reconstructed,

又移植佐新嘅器官，一切都被打亂重新安排，

a body that was scanned

佢上上下下被機器掃描，

and had tubes shoved down it,

被插滿佐各種輸液管，

a body that was burning from chemicals.

佢經歷佐化學藥品嘅侵蝕和折磨。

Cancer exploded

癌癥，

the wall of my disconnection.

打通佐我封閉好耐嘅“心牆”。

I suddenly understood that the crisis in my body

我突然間意識到，在我身體入邊嘅危機，

was the crisis in the world,

也存在於整個世界，

and it wasn't happening later,

呢個危機，並非遙遙無期，

it was happening now.

佢就系眼前了。

Suddenly, my cancer was a cancer that was everywhere,

突然間，我嘅病癥似乎蔓延到成個世界，

the cancer of cruelty, the cancer of greed,

殘忍嘅癌癥，貪婪嘅癌癥，

the cancer that gets inside people

住系化工廠附近嘅人，通常系窮人，

who live down the streets from chemical plants -- and they're usually poor --

佢地身體里嘅癌癥，

the cancer inside the coal miner's lungs,

煤礦工人嘅肺癌，

the cancer of stress for not achieving enough,

因欲求不滿嘅壓力嘅癌癥，

the cancer of buried trauma,

過去嘅傷痛嘅癌癥，

the cancer in caged chickens and polluted fish,

籠子裏面圈養嘅雞，同生活系污水裏面嘅魚，佢地嘅癌癥，

the cancer in women's uteruses from being raped,

被強姦嘅女人嘅子宮癌，

the cancer that is everywhere from our carelessness.

仲有因為我地嘅冷漠，我地身邊無處不在嘅癌癥。

In his new and visionary book,

系菲利普·謝佛德新創作嘅小說

"New Self, New World,"

《新的自我，新的世界》入邊，

the writer Philip Shepherd says,

佢話，

"If you are divided from your body,

“如果你同你嘅身體分離了，

you are also divided from the body of the world,

你亦都同呢個世界分離佐，

which then appears to be other than you

呢個世界似乎與你無關，

or separate from you,

你遊離了，

rather than the living continuum

不再屬於，

to which you belong."

一個完整嘅生命統一體。

Before cancer,

系得癌之前，

the world was something other.

世界好唔同。

It was as if I was living in a stagnant pool

以前，我好似住系一個腐臭嘅死水池入邊，

and cancer dynamited the boulder

而癌癥炸開佐池塘邊嘅巨石，

that was separating me from the larger sea.

果地阻住我流向大海嘅巨石。

Now I am swimming in it.

我依家可以自由嘅暢遊系大海入邊了。

Now I lay down in the grass

依家，我訓低系草地上，

and I rub my body in it,

青草摩擦著我嘅身體，

and I love the mud on my legs and feet.

我好中意黏系腿、腳上面嘅泥土。

Now I make a daily pilgrimage

我日日都冥修，

to visit a particular weeping willow by the Seine,

就系塞納河畔旁嘅一塊柳蔭下，

and I hunger for the green fields

我系如此嘅想念布卡武（扎伊尔东部城市）嘅灌木叢，

in the bush outside Bukavu.

果片綠色。

And when it rains hard rain,

當落大雨時，

I scream and I run in circles.

我就大聲叫，兜圈跑。

I know that everything is connected,

我明白，世間萬事都有聯繫，

and the scar that runs the length of my torso

我身體上嘅果條疤，

is the markings of the earthquake.

就好似果次地震留低嘅記錄。

And I am there with the three million in the streets of Port-au-Prince.

好似我同三百萬人一齊系太子港（海地首都）嘅街度。

And the fire that burned in me

我做化療嘅第3日到第6日時，

on day three through six of chemo

我感覺到嘅果種如被火燒嘅痛苦，

is the fire that is burning

就好似，世界上嘅森林，

in the forests of the world.

被火燒梗。

I know that the abscess

手術後傷口里，

that grew around my wound after the operation,

長出嘅膿包，

the 16 ounces of puss,

16盎司嘅膿液，

is the contaminated Gulf of Mexico,

就好似被污染佐嘅墨西哥灣，

and there were oil-drenched pelicans inside me

我身體里亦有仲有果地被油污弄髒嘅鹈鹕，

and dead floating fish.

同果地漂浮系水面上嘅死魚。

And the catheters they shoved into me without proper medication

無經過合理嘅藥物處理嘅導尿管，就甘插入我嘅身體，

made me scream out

我都忍唔住失聲大叫，

the way the Earth cries out from the drilling.

就好似地球忍受鑽探時發出嘅哀嚎。

In my second chemo,

系我第二次化療時，

my mother got very sick

我媽咪病得好嚴重，

and I went to see her.

我去見佢。

And in the name of connectedness,

以世間萬物嘅聯繫嘅名義，

the only thing she wanted before she died

佢系死前想做嘅唯一一件事就系，

was to be brought home

返屋企，

by her beloved Gulf of Mexico.

返去佢深愛嘅墨西哥灣。

So we brought her home,

所以我地帶佢返屋企，

and I prayed that the oil wouldn't wash up on her beach

我祈禱，系佢去世之前，

before she died.

油污唔會玷污佐佢嘅沙灘，

And gratefully, it didn't.

幸運地是，我嘅憂慮無發生。

And she died quietly in her favorite place.

我媽咪，系佢最中意嘅地方，安靜嘅離去。

And a few weeks later, I was in New Orleans,

幾個星期后，我系新奧爾良，

and this beautiful, spiritual friend

有一位美麗，善良嘅朋友，

told me she wanted to do a healing for me.

話卑我知，佢想為我祈福。

And I was honored.

我受寵若驚。

And I went to her house, and it was morning,

於是，我去佐佢屋企，系一個早晨，

and the morning New Orleans sun was filtering through the curtains.

新奧爾良嘅陽光穿過窗簾灑入來。

And my friend was preparing this big bowl,

我嘅朋友準備梗一個大碗，

and I said, "What is it?"

我問，“呢個系咩啊？”

And she said, "It's for you.

佢話，“系為佐你。

The flowers make it beautiful,

呢地花會令佢靚，

and the honey makes it sweet."

呢地蜂蜜會令佢甜。”

And I said, "But what's the water part?"

我問，“甘水代表什麽呢？”

And in the name of connectedness,

以世間萬物嘅聯繫為名，

she said, "Oh, it's the Gulf of Mexico."

佢話，“啊，系墨西哥灣。”

And I said, "Of course it is."

我話，“當然。”

And the other women arrived and they sat in a circle,

其他女人都到佐，佢地坐成一個圓，

and Michaela bathed my head with the sacred water.

米歇爾開始用聖水沖洗我嘅頭。

And she sang -- I mean her whole body sang.

佢唱道——我系話，佢用佢成付身心系度唱。

And the other women sang

其他女人亦都一起唱，

and they prayed for me and my mother.

為我同我媽咪祈禱。

And as the warm Gulf washed over my naked head,

當墨西哥灣溫暖嘅水淋過我嘅光頭，

I realized that it held

我意識到，佢代表佐，

the best and the worst of us.

我地最好，同埋最差嘅一面。

It was the greed and recklessness

系貪婪，肆無忌憚，

that led to the drilling explosion.

導致佐鑽探爆炸事件。

It was all the lies that got told

又系果地前前後後嘅

before and after.

謊言。

It was the honey in the water that made it sweet,

系水入邊嘅蜂蜜令佢變得甜，

it was the oil that made it sick.

系果地油污令佢生病。

It was my head that was bald --

我的確有一個光頭，

and comfortable now without a hat.

依家無需要帽，我都感覺舒服。

It was my whole self

我，整個我，

melting into Michaela's lap.

都融入佐米歇爾嘅溫柔拍打。

It was the tears that were indistinguishable from the Gulf

我面上滴落嘅眼淚，

that were falling down my cheek.

與墨西哥灣嘅水融為一體。

It was finally being in my body.

“我嘅身體”終於返來了。

It was the sorrow

呢種感覺系痛苦，

that's taken so long.

折磨佐我好長時間。

It was finding my place

系我一直找尋著嘅，

and the huge responsibility

與聯繫相關嘅，

that comes with connection.

果份巨大嘅責任。

It was the continuing devastating war in the Congo

系剛果持續不聽嘅戰爭，

and the indifference of the world.

同成個世界嘅冷漠。

It was the Congolese women

系依家勇敢企起身嘅

who are now rising up.

剛果女人。

It was my mother leaving,

系我媽咪嘅離開，

just at the moment

就系果一刻，

that I was being born.

我“出世”。

It was the realization

系當我離死亡甘近果時，

that I had come very close to dying --

我嘅覺醒——

in the same way that the Earth, our mother,

地球母親，

is barely holding on,

亦感覺難以支撐，

in the same way that 75 percent of the planet

就好似這星球上嘅75%，

are hardly scraping by,

都勉強支撐著，

in the same way

同樣，

that there is a recipe for survival.

亦都有如何存活嘅秘笈。

What I learned

我學到佐，

is it has to do with attention and resources

呢件事與我地嘅關注同資源有關，

that everybody deserves.

系我地每個人應該做嘅。

It was advocating friends

系有關於表示支持嘅朋友，

and a doting sister.

同埋果個被寵壞嘅妹妹。

It was wise doctors and advanced medicine

有關於精明嘅醫生，同埋先進嘅藥物，

and surgeons who knew what to do with their hands.

同果地心知肚明自己嘅職責所在嘅外科醫生。

It was underpaid and really loving nurses.

有關於果地拿低報酬卻保持和藹嘅護士，

It was magic healers and aromatic oils.

有關於高明嘅醫術，同芳香膏。

It was people who came with spells and rituals.

有關於果地帶著符咒同宗教儀式而來嘅人。

It was having a vision of the future

有關於憧憬未來，

and something to fight for,

有關於為之奮鬥，

because I know this struggle isn't my own.

我明白，我唔系一個人系度戰鬥。

It was a million prayers.

仲有數以百萬計嘅祈禱者。

It was a thousand hallelujahs

仲有一千首讚歌，

and a million oms.

百萬份榮耀。

It was a lot of anger,

系好多好多怒火，

insane humor,

瘋狂嘅幽默，

a lot of attention, outrage.

好多好多關注，憤慨。

It was energy, love and joy.

系能量，愛，同愉快。

It was all these things.

系所有嘅一切。

It was all these things.

系所有嘅一切。

It was all these things

系所有嘅一切，

in the water, in the world, in my body.

系水裡，系世界里，系我嘅身體里。

(Applause)

（掌声）