Eve Ensler: Suddenly, my body

Translator: Helena Ripoll Hazell Reviewer: Rafel Marco i Molina

For a long time,

Durant molt de temps,

there was me, and my body.

estàvem el meu cos i jo.

Me was composed of stories,

Jo, estava formada per històries,

of cravings, of strivings,

per ànsies, per esforços,

of desires of the future.

per desitjos de futur.

Me was trying

Jo intentava

not to be an outcome of my violent past,

no ser el resultat del meu passat violent,

but the separation that had already occurred

però la separació que ja s'havia esdevingut

between me and my body

entre el meu cos i jo mateixa

was a pretty significant outcome.

era un resultat bastant significatiu.

Me was always trying to become something, somebody.

Jo sempre intentava convertir-me en alguna cosa, en algú.

Me only existed in the trying.

Jo només existia en aquest intent.

My body was often in the way.

El meu cos sovint s'interposava en el camí.

Me was a floating head.

Jo era un cap flotant.

For years, I actually only wore hats.

Durant anys, de fet només portava barrets.

It was a way of keeping my head attached.

Era una manera de mantenir el meu cap subjecte.

It was a way of locating myself.

Era una manera de localitzar-me.

I worried that [if] I took my hat off

Em preocupava que si em treia el barret

I wouldn't be here anymore.

ja no seria més aquí.

I actually had a therapist who once said to me,

De fet, un cop vaig tenir un terapeuta que em va dir:

"Eve, you've been coming here for two years,

"Eve, m'has visitat durant dos anys,

and, to be honest, it never occurred to me that you had a body."

i, sincerament, mai se m'havia acudit que tinguessis un cos."

All this time I lived in the city

Tot aquest temps he viscut a la ciutat,

because, to be honest,

perquè, sincerament,

I was afraid of trees.

tenia por dels arbres.

I never had babies

No he tingut nadons

because heads cannot give birth.

perquè els caps no poden parir.

Babies actually don't come out of your mouth.

Els nadons, de fet, no surten per la boca.

As I had no reference point for my body,

Com no tenia cap punt de referència del meu cos,

I began to ask other women about their bodies --

vaig començar a preguntar a altres dones sobre els seus cossos:

in particular, their vaginas,

en concret, sobre les seves vagines;

because I thought vaginas were kind of important.

perquè pensava que les vagines eren importants.

This led to me writing "The Vagina Monologues,"

Això em va dur a escriure "The vagina Monologues"(Monòlegs de la Vagina)

which led to me obsessively and incessantly

cosa que em va fer parlar obsessivament i incessant

talking about vaginas everywhere I could.

de vagines allà on podia.

I did this in front of many strangers.

Ho vaig fer davant de molts estranys.

One night on stage,

Una nit a l'escenari,

I actually entered my vagina.

vaig entrar dins la meva vagina.

It was an ecstatic experience.

Va ser una experiència exultant.

It scared me, it energized me,

Em va espantar, em va donar energies,

and then I became a driven person,

i després em vaig convertir en una persona emprenedora,

a driven vagina.

una vagina emprenedora.

I began to see my body like a thing,

Vaig començar a veure el meu cos com una cosa,

a thing that could move fast,

una cosa que es podia moure de pressa,

like a thing that could accomplish other things,

com una cosa que podia aconseguir altres coses,

many things, all at once.

moltes coses, tot d'una.

I began to see my body like an iPad or a car.

Vaig començar a veure el meu cos com un iPad o un cotxe.

I would drive it and demand things from it.

El conduïa i n'hi exigia coses.

It had no limits. It was invincible.

No tenia límits. Era invencible.

It was to be conquered and mastered like the Earth herself.

Seria conquerit i dominat com la mateixa Terra.

I didn't heed it;

Ja no li parava atenció;

no, I organized it and I directed it.

no, l'organitzava i el dirigia.

I didn't have patience for my body;

No tenia paciència amb el meu cos;

I snapped it into shape.

el vaig modelar bruscament.

I was greedy.

Vaig ser ambiciosa.

I took more than my body had to offer.

Vaig estirar més el braç que la màniga.

If I was tired, I drank more espressos.

Si estava cansada, bevia més cafès.

If I was afraid, I went to more dangerous places.

Si tenia por, anava a més llocs perillosos.

Oh sure, sure, I had moments of appreciation of my body,

Esclar que tenia moments d'estima cap al meu cos,

the way an abusive parent

de la manera que un pare maltractador

can sometimes have a moment of kindness.

pot, a vegades, tenir un moment d'amabilitat.

My father was really kind to me

El meu pare va ser molt amable amb mi

on my 16th birthday, for example.

en el meu 16è aniversari, per exemple.

I heard people murmur from time to time

Sentia a la gent murmurar de tant en tant

that I should love my body,

que hauria d'estimar el meu cos,

so I learned how to do this.

així que vaig aprendre com fer-ho.

I was a vegetarian, I was sober, I didn't smoke.

Era vegetariana, no bevia, no fumava.

But all that was just a more sophisticated way

Però tot allò no era més que una manera sofisticada

to manipulate my body --

de manipular el meu cos,

a further disassociation,

una desvinculació més gran,

like planting a vegetable field on a freeway.

com plantar un hort de llegums a una autopista.

As a result of me talking so much about my vagina,

Com a resultat de parlar tant sobre la meva vagina,

many women started to tell me about theirs --

moltes dones començaren a parlar-me de la seva,

their stories about their bodies.

històries sobre els seus cossos.

Actually, these stories compelled me around the world,

De fet, aquestes històries em van portar per tot el món,

and I've been to over 60 countries.

i he estat a més de 60 països.

I heard thousands of stories,

He escoltat milers d'històries.

and I have to tell you, there was always this moment

I he de dir que sempre hi havia un moment

where the women shared with me

en què les dones compartien amb mi

that particular moment when she separated from her body --

aquell moment en particular en què es separaren del seu cos:

when she left home.

quan van marxar de casa.

I heard about women being molested in their beds,

Vaig sentir històries de dones violades als seus llits,

flogged in their burqas,

flagel•lades en els seus burques,

left for dead in parking lots,

donades per mortes a aparcaments,

acid burned in their kitchens.

cremades amb àcid a les seves cuines.

Some women became quiet and disappeared.

Algunes dones callaren i desaparegueren.

Other women became mad, driven machines like me.

Altres es van convertir en màquines emprenedores boges com jo.

In the middle of my traveling,

Enmig dels meus viatges,

I turned 40 and I began to hate my body,

Vaig fer 40 anys i vaig començar a odiar el meu cos,

which was actually progress,

que de fet era un progrés,

because at least my body existed enough to hate it.

perquè almenys el meu cos existia, fins al punt d'odiar-lo.

Well my stomach -- it was my stomach I hated.

Bé, era la meva panxa, odiava la meva panxa.

It was proof that I had not measured up,

Era la prova que no havia estat a l'alçada,

that I was old and not fabulous and not perfect

que era vella i no fabulosa ni perfecta

or able to fit into the predetermined corporate image in shape.

ni capaç d'encaixar bé en una imatge corporativa predeterminada.

My stomach was proof that I had failed,

La meva panxa era la prova que havia fracassat,

that it had failed me, that it was broken.

que m'havia fallat a mi, que estava desfeta.

My life became about getting rid of it and obsessing about getting rid of it.

La meva vida es va convertir en un intent obsessiu per desfer-me'n, de la panxa.

In fact, it became so extreme

De fet, tan obsessiva em vaig tornar

I wrote a play about it.

que hi vaig escriure una obra de teatre.

But the more I talked about it,

Però quan més en parlava,

the more objectified and fragmented my body became.

més es convertia en un objecte i més es fragmentava el meu cos.

It became entertainment; it became a new kind of commodity,

Va esdevenir un entreteniment; va esdevenir una forma de comoditat nova,

something I was selling.

una cosa que jo venia.

Then I went somewhere else.

Després vaig anar a algun altre lloc.

I went outside

Vaig sortir fora

what I thought I knew.

del que jo em pensava que coneixia.

I went to the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Vaig anar a la República Democràtica del Congo.

And I heard stories

I vaig escoltar històries

that shattered all the other stories.

que van fer bocins totes les altres històries.

I heard stories

Vaig escoltar històries

that got inside my body.

que es van ficar dins del meu cos.

I heard about a little girl

Vaig sentir parlar d'una nena petita

who couldn't stop peeing on herself

que no podia parar d'orinar-se

because so many grown soldiers

de tants soldats

had shoved themselves inside her.

que l'havien violat.

I heard an 80-year-old woman

Vaig escoltar a una dona de 80 anys

whose legs were broken and pulled out of her sockets

a qui li havien trencat i desencaixat les cames

and twisted up on her head

i les hi havien retorçat pel cap

as the soldiers raped her like that.

mentre els soldats la violaven.

There are thousands of these stories,

Hi ha milers d' històries com aquestes.

and many of the women had holes in their bodies --

I moltes d'aquestes dones tenien forats al seu cos

holes, fistula --

(forats, fístules)

that were the violation of war --

que eren la profanació de la guerra:

holes in the fabric of their souls.

forats en el teixit de l'ànima.

These stories saturated my cells and nerves,

Aquestes històries em van saturar les cèl•lules i els nervis.

and to be honest,

I sincerament,

I stopped sleeping for three years.

vaig deixar de dormir durant tres anys.

All the stories began to bleed together.

Totes les històries van començar a sagnar juntes.

The raping of the Earth,

L'espoli de la Terra,

the pillaging of minerals,

el pillatge dels minerals,

the destruction of vaginas --

la destrucció de vagines;

none of these were separate anymore

res d'això ho veuria mai més aïllat

from each other or me.

entre si o de mi.

Militias were raping six-month-old babies

Els milicians violaven nadons de sis mesos

so that countries far away

perquè així països llunyans

could get access to gold and coltan

poguessin tenir accés a l'or i al coltan

for their iPhones and computers.

per fabricar iPhones i ordinadors.

My body had not only become a driven machine,

El meu cos no tan sols s'havia convertit en una màquina emprenedora,

but it was responsible now

sinó que també era ja responsable

for destroying other women's bodies

de destruir el cos d'altres dones

in its mad quest to make more machines

en aquesta boja expedició per crear més màquines

to support the speed and efficiency of my machine.

per sostenir la velocitat i l'eficàcia de la meva màquina.

Then I got cancer --

I després vaig contraure càncer,

or I found out I had cancer.

o vaig adonar-me que tenia càncer.

It arrived like a speeding bird

Va arribar com un ocell a tota velocitat

smashing into a windowpane.

que s'estampa contra el vidre de la finestra.

Suddenly, I had a body,

De sobte, tenia un cos,

a body that was pricked

un cos que va ser pessigat,

and poked and punctured,

furgat i punxat,

a body that was cut wide open,

un cos que va ser obert de punta a punta,

a body that had organs removed

un cos del qual es van treure òrgans

and transported and rearranged and reconstructed,

i els van transportar i guarir i reconstruir,

a body that was scanned

un cos que va ser escanejat

and had tubes shoved down it,

i va tenir tubs ficats al seu interior,

a body that was burning from chemicals.

un cos que s'estava cremant amb els productes químics.

Cancer exploded

El càncer va explotar

the wall of my disconnection.

la paret de la meva desconnexió.

I suddenly understood that the crisis in my body

De sobte vaig comprendre que la crisi en el meu cos

was the crisis in the world,

era la crisi en el món,

and it wasn't happening later,

i no anava a passar més tard,

it was happening now.

estava passant en aquell moment.

Suddenly, my cancer was a cancer that was everywhere,

De sobte, el meu càncer era un càncer que estava a tot arreu,

the cancer of cruelty, the cancer of greed,

el càncer de la crueltat, el càncer de la cobdícia,

the cancer that gets inside people

el càncer que es fica a dins la gent

who live down the streets from chemical plants -- and they're usually poor --

que viu als carrers de les plantes químiques, són normalment pobres,

the cancer inside the coal miner's lungs,

el càncer dins els pulmons del miner,

the cancer of stress for not achieving enough,

el càncer de l'estrès per no aconseguir prou,

the cancer of buried trauma,

el càncer d'un trauma enterrat,

the cancer in caged chickens and polluted fish,

el càncer dels pollastres engabiats i el peix contaminat,

the cancer in women's uteruses from being raped,

el càncer a l'úter de les dones violades,

the cancer that is everywhere from our carelessness.

el càncer que és a tot arreu per culpa del nostre descuit.

In his new and visionary book,

En el seu recent i utòpic llibre,

"New Self, New World,"

"New Self, New World" (Nou Individu, Nou Món)

the writer Philip Shepherd says,

l'escriptor Philip Sheperd diu:

"If you are divided from your body,

"Si estàs separat del teu cos

you are also divided from the body of the world,

també estàs separat del cos del món,

which then appears to be other than you

que, llavors, sembla ser un altre diferent de tu

or separate from you,

o separat de tu,

rather than the living continuum

en comptes de viure un continu

to which you belong."

al qual pertanys."

Before cancer,

Abans del càncer

the world was something other.

el món era una altra cosa.

It was as if I was living in a stagnant pool

Era com si estigués vivint en un toll d'aigua estancada

and cancer dynamited the boulder

i el càncer va dinamités la roca

that was separating me from the larger sea.

que em separava de la mar.

Now I am swimming in it.

Ara hi estic nadant.

Now I lay down in the grass

Ara m'estiro a l'herba

and I rub my body in it,

i m'hi frego el cos,

and I love the mud on my legs and feet.

i m'encanta el fang a les meves cames i peus.

Now I make a daily pilgrimage

Ara faig un peregrinatge diari

to visit a particular weeping willow by the Seine,

per visitar un desmai concret a la vora del Sena,

and I hunger for the green fields

i m'enyoro els camps verds

in the bush outside Bukavu.

en la malesa a les afores de Bukavu.

And when it rains hard rain,

I quan cauen plujes fortes,

I scream and I run in circles.

crido i em poso a córrer en cercles.

I know that everything is connected,

Sé que tot està connectat,

and the scar that runs the length of my torso

i que la cicatriu que puja pel meu tors

is the markings of the earthquake.

és la marca del terratrèmol.

And I am there with the three million in the streets of Port-au-Prince.

I sóc allà amb els tres milions dels carrers de Port-au-Prince.

And the fire that burned in me

I el foc que em crema

on day three through six of chemo

el tercer dia dels sis de la químio

is the fire that is burning

és el foc que està cremant

in the forests of the world.

als boscos del món.

I know that the abscess

Sé que els quists

that grew around my wound after the operation,

que creixen al voltant de la meva ferida després de l'operació,

the 16 ounces of puss,

els 450 grams de pus,

is the contaminated Gulf of Mexico,

és el Golf de Mèxic contaminat,

and there were oil-drenched pelicans inside me

i que hi havia pelicans amarats de petroli a dins de mi

and dead floating fish.

i peixos morts surant.

And the catheters they shoved into me without proper medication

I els catèters que em van ficar sense la medicació apropiada

made me scream out

em van fer cridar

the way the Earth cries out from the drilling.

de la mateixa manera que la Terra crida a causa de les perforacions.

In my second chemo,

En la meva segona químio,

my mother got very sick

la meva mare es va posar molt malalta

and I went to see her.

i vaig anar a visitar-la.

And in the name of connectedness,

I en el nom de la connectivitat,

the only thing she wanted before she died

l'única cosa que volia abans de morir

was to be brought home

era que la duguessin a casa,

by her beloved Gulf of Mexico.

a la vora del seu estimat Golf de Mèxic.

So we brought her home,

Així que la vam dur a casa,

and I prayed that the oil wouldn't wash up on her beach

i vaig pregar que el petroli no arribés a la seva platja

before she died.

abans que morís.

And gratefully, it didn't.

I, afortunadament, no ho va fer.

And she died quietly in her favorite place.

I va morir tranquil·lament al seu lloc preferit.

And a few weeks later, I was in New Orleans,

I unes setmanes després, jo era a Nova Orleans,

and this beautiful, spiritual friend

i una amiga maca i espiritual

told me she wanted to do a healing for me.

em va dir que volia guarir-me.

And I was honored.

I em vaig sentir ben pagada.

And I went to her house, and it was morning,

I vaig anar a casa seva, era de matí,

and the morning New Orleans sun was filtering through the curtains.

i el sol del matí de Nova Orleans es filtrava a través de les cortines.

And my friend was preparing this big bowl,

I la meva amiga va preparar un bol gran,

and I said, "What is it?"

i li vaig dir: "Què és això?"

And she said, "It's for you.

I em va contestar: "És per tu.

The flowers make it beautiful,

Les flors el fan bonic,

and the honey makes it sweet."

i la mel el fa dolç".

And I said, "But what's the water part?"

Vaig dir: "Però què és la part d'aigua?"

And in the name of connectedness,

I en nom de la connectivitat,

she said, "Oh, it's the Gulf of Mexico."

ella va dir: "Ah, és el Golf de Mèxic".

And I said, "Of course it is."

I vaig dir: "I tant".

And the other women arrived and they sat in a circle,

I les altres dones van arribar i van seure en un cercle,

and Michaela bathed my head with the sacred water.

i la Michaela em va banyar el cap amb l'aigua sagrada.

And she sang -- I mean her whole body sang.

I va cantar: Vull dir, tot el seu cos va cantar.

And the other women sang

I les altres dones van cantar

and they prayed for me and my mother.

i van orar per la meva mare i per mi.

And as the warm Gulf washed over my naked head,

I mentre l'aigua tíbia del Golf rentava el meu cap

I realized that it held

em vaig adonar que contenia

the best and the worst of us.

el millor i el pitjor de nosaltres.

It was the greed and recklessness

Hi havia la cobdicia i la imprudència

that led to the drilling explosion.

que van dur a l'explosió de perforacions.

It was all the lies that got told

Hi havia totes les mentides dites

before and after.

abans i després.

It was the honey in the water that made it sweet,

Hi havia la mel a l'aigua que ho feia dolç,

it was the oil that made it sick.

hi havia el petroli que ho emmalaltia.

It was my head that was bald --

Hi havia el meu cap calb

and comfortable now without a hat.

i còmode, sense barret ja.

It was my whole self

Hi havia tot el meu ésser

melting into Michaela's lap.

fonentse-se a la falda de la Michaela.

It was the tears that were indistinguishable from the Gulf

Hi havia les llàgrimes que eren indistingibles del Golf

that were falling down my cheek.

que rodaven per les meves galtes.

It was finally being in my body.

Hi havia finalment el meu cos.

It was the sorrow

Hi havia la tristesa

that's taken so long.

que ha trigat tant a manifestar-se.

It was finding my place

Hi havia la descoberta del meu lloc

and the huge responsibility

i l'enorme responsabilitat

that comes with connection.

que ve amb la connexió.

It was the continuing devastating war in the Congo

Hi havia la contínua i devastadora guerra al Congo

and the indifference of the world.

i la indiferència del món.

It was the Congolese women

Hi havia les dones del Congo

who are now rising up.

que ara estan aixecant-se.

It was my mother leaving,

Hi havia la mare que ens deixava,

just at the moment

just en el moment

that I was being born.

que jo neixia.

It was the realization

Hi havia la consciència

that I had come very close to dying --

d'haver estat molt a prop de morir,

in the same way that the Earth, our mother,

de la mateixa manera que la Terra, la nostra mare,

is barely holding on,

resisteix amb prou feines,

in the same way that 75 percent of the planet

de la mateixa manera que el 75% del planeta

are hardly scraping by,

amb prou feines, tira endavant,

in the same way

de la mateixa manera

that there is a recipe for survival.

que hi ha una recepta per a la supervivència.

What I learned

El que vaig aprendre

is it has to do with attention and resources

és que té a veure amb l'atenció i serveis

that everybody deserves.

que tothom mereix.

It was advocating friends

Hi havia els amics donant-me suport

and a doting sister.

i una germana afectuosa.

It was wise doctors and advanced medicine

Hi havia els doctors savis i la medicina avançada

and surgeons who knew what to do with their hands.

i els cirurgians que sabien què fer amb les mans.

It was underpaid and really loving nurses.

Hi havia les malpagades i carinyoses infermeres.

It was magic healers and aromatic oils.

Hi havia els curanderos i els olis aromatics.

It was people who came with spells and rituals.

Hi havia la gent que va venir amb conjurs i rituals.

It was having a vision of the future

Hi havia el fet de tenir una visió de futur

and something to fight for,

i alguna cosa per la qual lluitar,

because I know this struggle isn't my own.

perquè sé que aquest patiment no és només el meu.

It was a million prayers.

Hi havia un milió d'oracions.

It was a thousand hallelujahs

Hi havia un miler d'al·leluies

and a million oms.

i un milió d'oms.

It was a lot of anger,

Hi havia moltíssima ira,

insane humor,

humor malaltís,

a lot of attention, outrage.

molta atenció, indignació.

It was energy, love and joy.

Hi havia energia, amor i alegria.

It was all these things.

Hi havia totes aquestes coses.

It was all these things.

Hi havia totes aquestes coses.

It was all these things

Hi havia totes aquestes coses

in the water, in the world, in my body.

a l'aigua, al món, al meu cos.

(Applause)

(Aplaudiment)