Eve Ensler: Suddenly, my body

翻译人员: Lawrence Wang 校对人员: Chunxiang Qian

For a long time,

有很长一段时间，

there was me, and my body.

我和我的躯体是分离的。

Me was composed of stories,

我由故事组成，

of cravings, of strivings,

由渴望，奋斗组成，

of desires of the future.

由对未来的期望组成。

Me was trying

我努力尝试

not to be an outcome of my violent past,

不要变成我那暴力过去的结果

but the separation that had already occurred

但分裂已经发生了，

between me and my body

在我和我的身体之间，

was a pretty significant outcome.

并且带来了严重的后果。

Me was always trying to become something, somebody.

我总在努力成为某人，某物，

Me only existed in the trying.

我一直在尝试当中，

My body was often in the way.

但我的身体阻碍着我。

Me was a floating head.

我只是一个漂浮的头颅，

For years, I actually only wore hats.

很多年来，我一直带帽子，

It was a way of keeping my head attached.

这是一种让我的头保持附着的办法，

It was a way of locating myself.

让我知道身处何方。

I worried that [if] I took my hat off

我曾经担心如果我摘掉帽子

I wouldn't be here anymore.

我就不会站在这里了。

I actually had a therapist who once said to me,

我的治疗师曾经对我说，

"Eve, you've been coming here for two years,

“ 伊芙,你已经来这里两年了

and, to be honest, it never occurred to me that you had a body."

说实话，对我来说，你好像从没有感受自己的身体”。

All this time I lived in the city

这么长时间以来，我一直居住在城市，

because, to be honest,

说实话，是因为

I was afraid of trees.

我害怕树木。

I never had babies

我没有孩子

because heads cannot give birth.

因为头脑不能生产孩子，

Babies actually don't come out of your mouth.

孩子也不是从口中走出。

As I had no reference point for my body,

因为我对我自身没有一个参照点，

I began to ask other women about their bodies --

我便开始询问别的女人关于她们的身体的问题——

in particular, their vaginas,

特别是，她们的阴道，

because I thought vaginas were kind of important.

因为我认为阴道是很重要的。

This led to me writing "The Vagina Monologues,"

这让我写了《阴道独白》，

which led to me obsessively and incessantly

这也让我痴迷不已

talking about vaginas everywhere I could.

总是到处去讲阴道的故事。

I did this in front of many strangers.

在很多陌生人面前我也这样做。

One night on stage,

有一晚在舞台上，

I actually entered my vagina.

我真的进入了我的阴道，

It was an ecstatic experience.

那是一次欣喜的经历。

It scared me, it energized me,

这吓坏我了，让我像触电一样，

and then I became a driven person,

接着，我成为一个被驱使的人，

a driven vagina.

一个被驱使的阴道。

I began to see my body like a thing,

我开始把我的身体当成一个物体，

a thing that could move fast,

一个可以走得很快的物体，

like a thing that could accomplish other things,

一个可以完成其他事情的物体，

many things, all at once.

可以同时做很多事情。

I began to see my body like an iPad or a car.

我开始把我的身体当成是一个Ipad 或者一辆汽车。

I would drive it and demand things from it.

我可以驾驭我的身体并且命令它。

It had no limits. It was invincible.

它没有限制，不可战胜。

It was to be conquered and mastered like the Earth herself.

我的身体就像地球一样，可以被征服被掌控。

I didn't heed it;

我以前没有注意这些；

no, I organized it and I directed it.

不，我组织了它，我指挥它。

I didn't have patience for my body;

我对我的身体没有耐心，

I snapped it into shape.

我把身体塑造成我理想的模样。

I was greedy.

我曾是贪婪的，

I took more than my body had to offer.

我对我身体索取，甚至多余它所能承受的，

If I was tired, I drank more espressos.

如果我累了，我就喝更多的浓咖啡，

If I was afraid, I went to more dangerous places.

如果我恐惧，我去更加危险的地方，

Oh sure, sure, I had moments of appreciation of my body,

哦，当然当然，我也曾感激我的身体，

the way an abusive parent

就像那种粗暴谩骂的父母

can sometimes have a moment of kindness.

偶尔也有片刻仁慈。

My father was really kind to me

例如，就像我父亲

on my 16th birthday, for example.

在我16岁生日那天对我非常好。

I heard people murmur from time to time

我时常听到有人私下嘀咕说

that I should love my body,

我应该爱我的身体，

so I learned how to do this.

所以我学会了如何爱我的身体。

I was a vegetarian, I was sober, I didn't smoke.

我曾是个素食主义者，我不饮酒也不抽烟，

But all that was just a more sophisticated way

但这都只是更精巧的方法

to manipulate my body --

还是为了操纵使用我的身体——

a further disassociation,

使我的精神和身体进一步分离，

like planting a vegetable field on a freeway.

就好象在高速道路上种植一片蔬菜地。

As a result of me talking so much about my vagina,

关于我的阴道我谈论了很多，

many women started to tell me about theirs --

结果很多女人开始跟我谈论她们的阴道——

their stories about their bodies.

关于她们身体的故事。

Actually, these stories compelled me around the world,

事实上，这些故事驱使我走遍世界，

and I've been to over 60 countries.

我去过60多个国家了，

I heard thousands of stories,

我听过成千的故事。

and I have to tell you, there was always this moment

但是我不得不说，那些女士通常在那样的

where the women shared with me

环境开始跟我分享她们的故事

that particular moment when she separated from her body --

这个她跟身体分离的特别时刻——

when she left home.

当她离开家庭。

I heard about women being molested in their beds,

我听到过女人们在床上被侵犯，

flogged in their burqas,

身穿罩袍被鞭打，

left for dead in parking lots,

在停车场被弃置死亡，

acid burned in their kitchens.

在厨房被腐蚀液体烧伤。

Some women became quiet and disappeared.

有些女人变得沉默、并消失了，

Other women became mad, driven machines like me.

另一些则变疯了，或者，成为被驱使的机器，跟我一样。

In the middle of my traveling,

在我的旅行中，

I turned 40 and I began to hate my body,

我度过了40岁生日，然后我开始憎恨我的身体，

which was actually progress,

这实际上是个进步，

because at least my body existed enough to hate it.

因为至少我认可身体的存在了，我才懂得去讨厌它。

Well my stomach -- it was my stomach I hated.

啊，我的肚子，我讨厌我的肚子。

It was proof that I had not measured up,

事实上证明

that I was old and not fabulous and not perfect

我老了，不够好，也不完美，

or able to fit into the predetermined corporate image in shape.

身材上也无法迎合目前既定的社会标准形态。

My stomach was proof that I had failed,

我的肚子证明我一败涂地，

that it had failed me, that it was broken.

我的肚子辜负了我，形同破烂。

My life became about getting rid of it and obsessing about getting rid of it.

我整个人就一直在纠结怎么能处理了它，

In fact, it became so extreme

事实上，这就走极端了。

I wrote a play about it.

我写了一部关于它的剧本。

But the more I talked about it,

但是我谈论的越多，

the more objectified and fragmented my body became.

我的身体变得越客体化和支离破碎。

It became entertainment; it became a new kind of commodity,

这变成了一种娱乐，一种新品货物，

something I was selling.

一种我兜售的商品。

Then I went somewhere else.

后来，我去了其他地方。

I went outside

我走出去

what I thought I knew.

到一个我以为我知道的地方，

I went to the Democratic Republic of Congo.

我去了刚果民主共和国。

And I heard stories

我听到一些故事，

that shattered all the other stories.

比其他所有的故事都令人震惊。

I heard stories

我听到那些

that got inside my body.

走进我身体里的故事。

I heard about a little girl

我听到一个小女孩，

who couldn't stop peeing on herself

一直小便失禁，

because so many grown soldiers

因为有那么多成年士兵

had shoved themselves inside her.

对她施暴。

I heard an 80-year-old woman

我听到一个80岁的老妇人，

whose legs were broken and pulled out of her sockets

她的腿被折断，被拉离髋臼

and twisted up on her head

扭曲拉到头上来

as the soldiers raped her like that.

士兵就是这样施暴于她。

There are thousands of these stories,

这有数以千计这样的故事。

and many of the women had holes in their bodies --

很多的女人身体都有创伤——

holes, fistula --

有创口，有瘘洞——

that were the violation of war --

这些都是战争带来的残暴——

holes in the fabric of their souls.

她们灵魂深处的伤痕，

These stories saturated my cells and nerves,

这些故事充满了我的细胞和神经。

and to be honest,

说实话，

I stopped sleeping for three years.

我失眠了三年。

All the stories began to bleed together.

这些故事如血一般汇聚在一起。

The raping of the Earth,

这是对地球的强暴，

the pillaging of minerals,

对矿产的掠夺，

the destruction of vaginas --

对阴道的摧残，

none of these were separate anymore

所有这些事情变得

from each other or me.

和我不分彼此了。

Militias were raping six-month-old babies

士兵对六个月大的婴童施暴

so that countries far away

只为了遥远的某个国家

could get access to gold and coltan

可获得黄金和矿物，

for their iPhones and computers.

再来生产Iphone 和电脑。

My body had not only become a driven machine,

我的身体不仅变成了一台被操控的机器，

but it was responsible now

它现在也要为

for destroying other women's bodies

其它被摧残的女性身体负责

in its mad quest to make more machines

我会用更多的机器让我的身体

to support the speed and efficiency of my machine.

的机器运转更快，更有效，这是一个疯狂的目标。

Then I got cancer --

后来，我有了癌症——

or I found out I had cancer.

或者说我发现我得了癌症。

It arrived like a speeding bird

这就像一只高速飞行的鸟

smashing into a windowpane.

一下撞进窗口，摔得粉碎。

Suddenly, I had a body,

忽然之间，我感觉到了身体，

a body that was pricked

一个能被刺痛

and poked and punctured,

能被戳进

a body that was cut wide open,

能被切开的身体，

a body that had organs removed

可以拿走器官

and transported and rearranged and reconstructed,

移植，重新调配，再造的身体。

a body that was scanned

一个能被扫描的身体，

and had tubes shoved down it,

一个插着导管的身体，

a body that was burning from chemicals.

一个有化学反应的身体。

Cancer exploded

这是癌症炸开了

the wall of my disconnection.

我那被隔绝于心的墙。

I suddenly understood that the crisis in my body

我忽然意识到我身体的危机

was the crisis in the world,

就是这个世界的危机，

and it wasn't happening later,

它不是将要发生，

it was happening now.

它正在发生。

Suddenly, my cancer was a cancer that was everywhere,

忽然，我的癌症充满了这个世界，

the cancer of cruelty, the cancer of greed,

残忍的癌症，贪婪的癌症，

the cancer that gets inside people

那是的人内心的癌症，

who live down the streets from chemical plants -- and they're usually poor --

那些住在化工厂附近穷人们的癌症，

the cancer inside the coal miner's lungs,

那些煤矿工人们肺里的癌症，

the cancer of stress for not achieving enough,

那些因不满足而导致的压力产生的癌症，

the cancer of buried trauma,

那些被掩盖创伤的癌症，

the cancer in caged chickens and polluted fish,

那些圈养的鸡和被污染的鱼的癌症，

the cancer in women's uteruses from being raped,

那些被强暴的女性子宫中的癌症，

the cancer that is everywhere from our carelessness.

癌症存在于任何一个我们忽视的地方。

In his new and visionary book,

在一本颇有前瞻性的新书，

"New Self, New World,"

《新自我，新世界》里，

the writer Philip Shepherd says,

作者谢菲尔德.飞利浦说，

"If you are divided from your body,

“若你分离于身体，

you are also divided from the body of the world,

则你亦分离于世界之体，

which then appears to be other than you

成为另一个你，

or separate from you,

或是由你分离而出，

rather than the living continuum

而非连续统一体，

to which you belong."

这本应是你的归依。

Before cancer,

在患癌之前，

the world was something other.

这个世界是不一样的

It was as if I was living in a stagnant pool

我就好像生活在一潭死水池塘里

and cancer dynamited the boulder

癌症炸毁了池塘里

that was separating me from the larger sea.

横亘于我和大海间的巨石。

Now I am swimming in it.

现在我在其中畅游。

Now I lay down in the grass

现在我躺在草地上，

and I rub my body in it,

让小草摩挲着身体，

and I love the mud on my legs and feet.

我也喜欢让泥巴爬满我的脚和腿。

Now I make a daily pilgrimage

现在我每天冥修，

to visit a particular weeping willow by the Seine,

就在赛纳河边的一棵垂柳下。

and I hunger for the green fields

我也渴望绿色田野

in the bush outside Bukavu.

喜欢布卡武（刚果地名）之外灌木林中的绿地。

And when it rains hard rain,

当天降大雨时，

I scream and I run in circles.

我喜欢叫嚣乎东西，隳突乎南北。

I know that everything is connected,

我知道万事万物都是相连的，

and the scar that runs the length of my torso

那个留在我身上长长的疤痕

is the markings of the earthquake.

就是地震的印记。

And I am there with the three million in the streets of Port-au-Prince.

我和三百万人一同站在太子港街道上（海地首都，2010年曾有大地震）

And the fire that burned in me

在我第三至六天的化疗里

on day three through six of chemo

我感到炙热如火

is the fire that is burning

就像那世界森林

in the forests of the world.

的熊熊大火。

I know that the abscess

我知道会有脓肿

that grew around my wound after the operation,

手术后会伤口会长脓肿。

the 16 ounces of puss,

16盎司的脓液，

is the contaminated Gulf of Mexico,

就像是被污染的墨西哥湾，

and there were oil-drenched pelicans inside me

还有那些浑身沾满油污的鹈鹕 ，

and dead floating fish.

和那些漂浮的死鱼。

And the catheters they shoved into me without proper medication

那些在我身体的导管处理不当

made me scream out

令我痛得大叫，

the way the Earth cries out from the drilling.

就像地球被钻探而痛呼一样。

In my second chemo,

在我第二次化疗的时候，

my mother got very sick

我母亲已经病的很严重了，

and I went to see her.

我去探望她。

And in the name of connectedness,

这也有关联的是，

the only thing she wanted before she died

她临终前唯一希望的事情

was to be brought home

就是把她带回家

by her beloved Gulf of Mexico.

带至她至爱的墨西哥湾。

So we brought her home,

所以我们把她送回家，

and I prayed that the oil wouldn't wash up on her beach

我祈祷那些油污不要冲到她的海滩上

before she died.

能让她安心离去。

And gratefully, it didn't.

很感恩，那里没有油污，

And she died quietly in her favorite place.

母亲在她喜爱的地方安详的去世了。

And a few weeks later, I was in New Orleans,

几周以后，我到了新奥尔良，

and this beautiful, spiritual friend

一个美丽的，而有灵性的朋友对我说，

told me she wanted to do a healing for me.

她想为我做一次治疗。

And I was honored.

我很荣幸。

And I went to her house, and it was morning,

一天早上，我去了她家。

and the morning New Orleans sun was filtering through the curtains.

那个清晨，新奥尔良的阳光透过窗帘倾泄进来，

And my friend was preparing this big bowl,

我的朋友准备了一个大碗，

and I said, "What is it?"

我问：“这是什么？”

And she said, "It's for you.

她说，“这是给你的，

The flowers make it beautiful,

鲜花能让它美丽，

and the honey makes it sweet."

蜂蜜能使它甘甜。"

And I said, "But what's the water part?"

我说,"那水的韵意呢？“

And in the name of connectedness,

因为万物相连，

she said, "Oh, it's the Gulf of Mexico."

她说,"哦，那是墨西哥湾的水。”

And I said, "Of course it is."

我说，“当然.。”

And the other women arrived and they sat in a circle,

其她女人踱步而入，她们围坐一圈，

and Michaela bathed my head with the sacred water.

米凯拉用圣水浸洗我的头部，

And she sang -- I mean her whole body sang.

并吟唱，她整个身心都在唱歌。

And the other women sang

其他的女人也开始和唱，

and they prayed for me and my mother.

她们为我和我的母亲祈祷。

And as the warm Gulf washed over my naked head,

当温暖的海湾之水洗涤过我的光头，

I realized that it held

我意识到，它保留着

the best and the worst of us.

我们最好的和最恶的东西。

It was the greed and recklessness

是贪婪和轻妄

that led to the drilling explosion.

导致钻井爆炸。

It was all the lies that got told

所言皆是谎言

before and after.

无论是之前和之后的。

It was the honey in the water that made it sweet,

是蜜糖让它变甜美

it was the oil that made it sick.

是污油让它令人厌。

It was my head that was bald --

我没有头发

and comfortable now without a hat.

没有帽子也感到舒服了。

It was my whole self

我整个身心

melting into Michaela's lap.

融化在米凯拉的圈子里。

It was the tears that were indistinguishable from the Gulf

无法与港湾分开的是泪水

that were falling down my cheek.

滑落过我的脸颊。

It was finally being in my body.

它最终回归我的身体。

It was the sorrow

它是愁苦悲伤，

that's taken so long.

存在多时，

It was finding my place

最后，它找到了我

and the huge responsibility

将那巨大的责任

that comes with connection.

和我连接起来。

It was the continuing devastating war in the Congo

它是战乱频仍的刚果

and the indifference of the world.

是冷漠相待的世界，

It was the Congolese women

它是正在成长的

who are now rising up.

刚果妇女们，

It was my mother leaving,

它是我母亲的离去，

just at the moment

恰在此刻

that I was being born.

我重获新生。

It was the realization

我意识到，

that I had come very close to dying --

我与死亡已经很近——

in the same way that the Earth, our mother,

就像地球母亲，

is barely holding on,

快撑不住了，

in the same way that 75 percent of the planet

就像这星球的75%

are hardly scraping by,

仍然在勉强维持，

in the same way

同样地

that there is a recipe for survival.

也有生存之道。

What I learned

我所知的是

is it has to do with attention and resources

这需要关注和资源

that everybody deserves.

这是每个人都应关注的。

It was advocating friends

它是倡导的朋友们，

and a doting sister.

是被溺爱的姐妹。

It was wise doctors and advanced medicine

它是聪明的医生和先进的药品

and surgeons who knew what to do with their hands.

以及双手灵活娴熟的外科医生，

It was underpaid and really loving nurses.

它是那些低报酬却很可爱的护士们，

It was magic healers and aromatic oils.

它是神奇的医疗者们和那些芳香油，

It was people who came with spells and rituals.

它是那些魔幻的人们。

It was having a vision of the future

它是对未来的憧憬

and something to fight for,

值得为之奋斗的东西

because I know this struggle isn't my own.

因为我知道，我不是一个人在战斗。

It was a million prayers.

它是百万祈祷者。

It was a thousand hallelujahs

它是千首颂扬歌

and a million oms.

百万份荣耀。

It was a lot of anger,

它有许多怒火，

insane humor,

疯狂的幽默，

a lot of attention, outrage.

无数的关注和愤慨。

It was energy, love and joy.

它是活力，爱和喜乐。

It was all these things.

它是所有这一切

It was all these things.

它是所有这一切

It was all these things

它是所有的这一切，

in the water, in the world, in my body.

它是所有水中的，在世间的，和我身体中的一切。

(Applause)

（掌声）