Eve Ensler: Suddenly, my body

譯者: Suet Mei Hau 審譯者: Ann Lee

For a long time,

有一段很長的時間

there was me, and my body.

這是我和我的身體。

Me was composed of stories,

我是由渴望, 奮鬥,　以及對未來理想的故事所組成的,

of cravings, of strivings,

我是由渴望, 奮鬥,　以及對未來理想的故事所組成的,

of desires of the future.

我是由渴望, 奮鬥,　以及對未來理想的故事所組成的,

Me was trying

我嘗試

not to be an outcome of my violent past,

不要變成我那暴力的過去的結果,

but the separation that had already occurred

但那樣的分裂已經存在了

between me and my body

在我和我的身體之間

was a pretty significant outcome.

這是一個很明顯的結果。

Me was always trying to become something, somebody.

我常常努力去變成一些事, 一些人。

Me only existed in the trying.

我只存在於在嘗試。

My body was often in the way.

我的身體總障礙著我。

Me was a floating head.

我只是一個飄浮著的頭。

For years, I actually only wore hats.

許多年來, 我著實的只戴帽子。

It was a way of keeping my head attached.

因為這樣才可以讓我的頭黏著我的身體。

It was a way of locating myself.

讓我知道我身在何處。

I worried that [if] I took my hat off

我擔心要是我把帽子除下來

I wouldn't be here anymore.

我便不再在這裡了。

I actually had a therapist who once said to me,

曾經有一個治療師告訴我,

"Eve, you've been coming here for two years,

「Eve, 你已經來這裡兩年了,

and, to be honest, it never occurred to me that you had a body."

老實說, 你對我來說, 好像從來不曾有一個身體。」

All this time I lived in the city

許多時候我住在城市,

because, to be honest,

因為, 坦白的,

I was afraid of trees.

我很害怕樹,

I never had babies

我從沒有孩子

because heads cannot give birth.

因為頭腦不能生產孩子。

Babies actually don't come out of your mouth.

嬰兒不會從我的口中走出來。

As I had no reference point for my body,

因為我對自己的身體全沒有任何的參考點,

I began to ask other women about their bodies --

我便開始去問別的女人關於她們的身體---

in particular, their vaginas,

尤其是, 她們的陰道,

because I thought vaginas were kind of important.

因為我想陰道應該是很重要的。

This led to me writing "The Vagina Monologues,"

這讓我寫成了『陰道獨白』

which led to me obsessively and incessantly

這也讓我不能自控的不懈地

talking about vaginas everywhere I could.

到處去講關於陰道的故事。

I did this in front of many strangers.

我在許多陌生人面前講。

One night on stage,

有一個晚在台上，

I actually entered my vagina.

我真的, 進入了自己的陰道。

It was an ecstatic experience.

這是一個十分狂喜的經驗。

It scared me, it energized me,

這嚇壞了我, 也激勵了我，

and then I became a driven person,

接著, 我變成了一個被驅使的人，

a driven vagina.

一個被驅使的陰道。

I began to see my body like a thing,

我開始看見我的身體, 是一件東西,

a thing that could move fast,

是一件可以走得很快,

like a thing that could accomplish other things,

是一件可以完成其他事情的東西,

many things, all at once.

可以做很多事, 同一時候之內。

I began to see my body like an iPad or a car.

我開始看到我的身體好像是ipad 或是一輛汽車。

I would drive it and demand things from it.

我會駕駛它, 會要求它。

It had no limits. It was invincible.

它是沒有限制的, 它是不會被打敗的。

It was to be conquered and mastered like the Earth herself.

它就好像是大地一樣, 可以被征服和操控的。

I didn't heed it;

我沒有關心它；

no, I organized it and I directed it.

不, 我組織了它, 我指揮它。

I didn't have patience for my body;

我對我的身體沒有多少忍耐；

I snapped it into shape.

我把它塑成我理想的模樣。

I was greedy.

我很貪心。

I took more than my body had to offer.

我想從我身體取得的, 多於它可以付出的。

If I was tired, I drank more espressos.

如果我累了, 我喝更多的濃烈咖啡。

If I was afraid, I went to more dangerous places.

如果我害怕, 我去更多危險的地方。

Oh sure, sure, I had moments of appreciation of my body,

噢, 對了, 我也有一些欣賞自己身體的時刻，

the way an abusive parent

就好像那個虐兒的父母

can sometimes have a moment of kindness.

也有一點點仁慈的時刻。

My father was really kind to me

我的爸爸曾經對我很好

on my 16th birthday, for example.

好像在我十六歲的生日那天,

I heard people murmur from time to time

我聽過身邊很多人嚕囌過我

that I should love my body,

要好好愛惜自己的身體，

so I learned how to do this.

所以我學習到怎樣做。

I was a vegetarian, I was sober, I didn't smoke.

我是一個素食者, 我不酗酒, 我不吸煙。

But all that was just a more sophisticated way

但這都只是更成熟的方法來

to manipulate my body --

操控我的身體–––

a further disassociation,

一種更大的抽離狀態，

like planting a vegetable field on a freeway.

就好像在高速公路上種菜田。

As a result of me talking so much about my vagina,

最後, 由於我說得太多關於陰道，

many women started to tell me about theirs --

很多女人開始告訴我關於她們的 ––

their stories about their bodies.

身體的故事。

Actually, these stories compelled me around the world,

事實上, 這些故事驅使我走到全世界，

and I've been to over 60 countries.

我去過超過六十個國家。

I heard thousands of stories,

我聽過上千的故事。

and I have to tell you, there was always this moment

但我要說, 那些女士通常是在這樣的

where the women shared with me

環境開始跟我分享她們的故事

that particular moment when she separated from her body --

這個她跟身體分離的特別時刻 ––

when she left home.

當她離開家庭。

I heard about women being molested in their beds,

我聽到女人在床上被侵犯，

flogged in their burqas,

身穿著罩袍被鞭打，

left for dead in parking lots,

在停車場被棄置死亡，

acid burned in their kitchens.

在廚房中給腐蝕性液體燒傷。

Some women became quiet and disappeared.

有些女人失踪了, 或是變得沉默了。

Other women became mad, driven machines like me.

其他的女人變得精神失常, 或是我像一樣變成一台被駕駛的機器。

In the middle of my traveling,

在我的旅途中間，

I turned 40 and I began to hate my body,

我到了四十歲, 我開始會討厭自己的身體，

which was actually progress,

這也是一種進步，

because at least my body existed enough to hate it.

因為最少我確認了身體的存在, 我才懂得去討厭它。

Well my stomach -- it was my stomach I hated.

對, 是我的肚子, 我討厭我的肚子。

It was proof that I had not measured up,

這證明我，

that I was old and not fabulous and not perfect

已經老了, 不够好, 不够完美

or able to fit into the predetermined corporate image in shape.

或是不能够迎合目前那些既定的社會標準形態。

My stomach was proof that I had failed,

我的肚子証明我的失敗，

that it had failed me, that it was broken.

是它讓我失敗, 形同它是一件爛貨。

My life became about getting rid of it and obsessing about getting rid of it.

我的人生變得我只想著怎樣可以弄走我的肚子，

In fact, it became so extreme

事實上, 它變得太過了

I wrote a play about it.

我只寫過一齣關於它的劇本。

But the more I talked about it,

但當我愈是談論它愈多，

the more objectified and fragmented my body became.

我的身體便會變得更加分割和被物化。

It became entertainment; it became a new kind of commodity,

它變成了一個玩賞產物, 一種新出品的貨物，

something I was selling.

一些我用來賣出去的東西。

Then I went somewhere else.

跟著, 我走到其他地方。

I went outside

我走出去

what I thought I knew.

一些我以為我知道地方。

I went to the Democratic Republic of Congo.

我走到剛果民主共和國。

And I heard stories

我聽到許多

that shattered all the other stories.

比其他更令人震驚的故事。

I heard stories

我聽到那些

that got inside my body.

走進我身體裡的故事。

I heard about a little girl

我聽到一個小女孩

who couldn't stop peeing on herself

她不停的對著自己撒尿

because so many grown soldiers

因為有許多成年的士兵

had shoved themselves inside her.

硬把自己塞進她體內。

I heard an 80-year-old woman

我聽到一個八十歲的婦人

whose legs were broken and pulled out of her sockets

她被脫掉襪子, 雙腿被弄斷

and twisted up on her head

並且扭曲到她的頭上來

as the soldiers raped her like that.

這就是士兵強姦她的情況了。

There are thousands of these stories,

這裡有數以千計的故事。

and many of the women had holes in their bodies --

有許多女人身體內有洞 ––

holes, fistula --

有洞, 有瘺管

that were the violation of war --

這是戰爭的侵害 --

holes in the fabric of their souls.

她們靈魂裡的傷痕。

These stories saturated my cells and nerves,

這些故事都充塞了我的細胞和神經。

and to be honest,

以及, 坦白說

I stopped sleeping for three years.

我沒有睡去三年了。

All the stories began to bleed together.

所以這些故事連成一起。

The raping of the Earth,

對地球的強暴，

the pillaging of minerals,

掠奪礦產，

the destruction of vaginas --

對陰道的摧殘

none of these were separate anymore

所有這些事情都變得

from each other or me.

跟我無分彼此了。

Militias were raping six-month-old babies

軍隊強暴六個月的嬰兒

so that countries far away

於是遙遠的國家

could get access to gold and coltan

便可以得到黃金和礦物

for their iPhones and computers.

去做他們的iphone 和電腦。

My body had not only become a driven machine,

我的身體不只變成了一具被操縱的機器，

but it was responsible now

但它現在也需要為

for destroying other women's bodies

摧毀其他女性身體而負責任

in its mad quest to make more machines

我會用更多的機器去讓我身體

to support the speed and efficiency of my machine.

的機器運作得更快更有效, 這真是一個瘋狂的要求。

Then I got cancer --

於是, 我得了癌症了

or I found out I had cancer.

或是, 我發現了我患癌了

It arrived like a speeding bird

我好像一只飛行著的小鳥

smashing into a windowpane.

盲目的在撞到窗口上變得粉碎了。

Suddenly, I had a body,

突然之間, 我有一個身體了，

a body that was pricked

一個可以刺開，

and poked and punctured,

戳和刺破的身體，

a body that was cut wide open,

一個可以切開，

a body that had organs removed

可以把器官拿走

and transported and rearranged and reconstructed,

然後移殖, 重新調配, 重新再做的身體，

a body that was scanned

一個可以被掃描的身體

and had tubes shoved down it,

被一條導管插進去，

a body that was burning from chemicals.

一個被化學品燃燒的身體。

Cancer exploded

這是, 癌症炸開了

the wall of my disconnection.

我那被隔絕的牆。

I suddenly understood that the crisis in my body

我突然之間明白我身體裡的危機

was the crisis in the world,

也是這個世界的危機,

and it wasn't happening later,

它並不是稍後才發生,

it was happening now.

它是現在正在發生的。

Suddenly, my cancer was a cancer that was everywhere,

突然間, 我的癌症也是到處的癌症，

the cancer of cruelty, the cancer of greed,

殘忌的癌症, 貪婪的癌症,

the cancer that gets inside people

那是在人心中的癌症

who live down the streets from chemical plants -- and they're usually poor --

那些住在街邊的人由化學植物而來的癌症---他們通常都很貧窮 --

the cancer inside the coal miner's lungs,

那些在媒礦工人的肺部中的癌症，

the cancer of stress for not achieving enough,

那些因為永遠得不足够的癌症，

the cancer of buried trauma,

那些因埋葬了 的創傷而來的癌症，

the cancer in caged chickens and polluted fish,

那些關在籠子裡的小雞和受汚染的魚的癌症，

the cancer in women's uteruses from being raped,

那些在女性子宮因被強姦而來的癌症，

the cancer that is everywhere from our carelessness.

癌症就是存在在每一個我們不小心的地方裡。

In his new and visionary book,

在這本有遠景, 新出版的書中，

"New Self, New World,"

『新的我, 新的世界』

the writer Philip Shepherd says,

作者 Philip Shepherd 說，

"If you are divided from your body,

「假如你跟你的身體分離，

you are also divided from the body of the world,

那你也同時跟世界分離，

which then appears to be other than you

這個變成了另一個你

or separate from you,

或是由你而分出來，

rather than the living continuum

多過是一個屬於你的

to which you belong."

整體有生命的人。」

Before cancer,

在生癌之前，

the world was something other.

世界像一些別的。

It was as if I was living in a stagnant pool

就好像我生存在一個靜止的湖塘

and cancer dynamited the boulder

而癌症就炸開了那個

that was separating me from the larger sea.

分隔和我大海的巨石。

Now I am swimming in it.

現在, 我在當中游泳。™

Now I lay down in the grass

我躺在草地上

and I rub my body in it,

讓小草擦著身體，

and I love the mud on my legs and feet.

我也喜歡那些泥土沾滿了我的大腿和腳。

Now I make a daily pilgrimage

我現在每天都做靈修

to visit a particular weeping willow by the Seine,

去看 看那些塞納河邊的垂柳，

and I hunger for the green fields

我為在布卡武樹林的

in the bush outside Bukavu.

的綠色草地而興奮。

And when it rains hard rain,

當下著大雨的時候，

I scream and I run in circles.

我來回奔跑著呼叫。

I know that everything is connected,

我知道萬事萬物都是相連的,

and the scar that runs the length of my torso

那個留在我身上疤痕

is the markings of the earthquake.

就是地震的印記。

And I am there with the three million in the streets of Port-au-Prince.

以及, 我跟三百萬人在太子港的街上。

And the fire that burned in me

那燃燒著我的烈火

on day three through six of chemo

在第三至第六天的化療

is the fire that is burning

就是那在世界的森林

in the forests of the world.

燃燒著我的烈火。

I know that the abscess

我知道那膿腫

that grew around my wound after the operation,

手術後我在的傷口上生長著,

the 16 ounces of puss,

那十六安士的重物,

is the contaminated Gulf of Mexico,

就是那個汚染了的墨西哥港灣

and there were oil-drenched pelicans inside me

那裡有被石油汚染的塘鵝在我裡面

and dead floating fish.

以及浮著的死魚。

And the catheters they shoved into me without proper medication

那些插進我體內的導管, 卻沒有合適的藥物

made me scream out

令我痛得大叫

the way the Earth cries out from the drilling.

就像地球被鑽時的呼喊聲一樣。

In my second chemo,

在 我第二次的化療之中

my mother got very sick

我的母親病了

and I went to see her.

我走去看她

And in the name of connectedness,

在連繫的名義之中

the only thing she wanted before she died

她在死前唯一希望的事情

was to be brought home

就是把她帶回家

by her beloved Gulf of Mexico.

在她至愛的墨西哥海灣。

So we brought her home,

所以, 我帶她回家,

and I prayed that the oil wouldn't wash up on her beach

以及祈禱在她死前, 那些油汚沒有汚染她的海灘

before she died.

那些油汚沒有汚染她的海灘

And gratefully, it didn't.

很感恩的, 它沒有。

And she died quietly in her favorite place.

而她, 在她喜歡的地方裡平靜地死去。

And a few weeks later, I was in New Orleans,

數星期之後, 我在新奧良爾,

and this beautiful, spiritual friend

那裡有個很有漂亮的, 很有靈性的朋友

told me she wanted to do a healing for me.

告訴我, 她想給我治療。

And I was honored.

我感到十分榮幸。

And I went to her house, and it was morning,

我去了她的家裡, 這是一個早晨,

and the morning New Orleans sun was filtering through the curtains.

那個早上, 新奧良爾的太陽穿透了那些窗簾。

And my friend was preparing this big bowl,

我的朋友準備了一個大碗,

and I said, "What is it?"

我問: 「這是什麼？」

And she said, "It's for you.

她說, 「這是給你的，

The flowers make it beautiful,

那些花很漂亮，

and the honey makes it sweet."

那些蜜糖很甜。」

And I said, "But what's the water part?"

我問: 那些水代表什麼

And in the name of connectedness,

在這連繫的名字之中

she said, "Oh, it's the Gulf of Mexico."

她說, 「這是墨西哥港灣」

And I said, "Of course it is."

我說: 「當然它是的。」

And the other women arrived and they sat in a circle,

其他的女性走進來, 她們圍坐成一個圓,

and Michaela bathed my head with the sacred water.

Michaela 用那些聖水用洗我的頭。

And she sang -- I mean her whole body sang.

她唱---我是說, 她用整個身體來唱歌。

And the other women sang

其他婦女也一起和唱

and they prayed for me and my mother.

他們都為我和媽媽祈禱。

And as the warm Gulf washed over my naked head,

並用那個温暖的港灣清洗我那秃頭

I realized that it held

我才發現, 它有著

the best and the worst of us.

我們最好和最壞的東西。

It was the greed and recklessness

它是貪婪和輕妄

that led to the drilling explosion.

這可能帶來爆炸的災難。

It was all the lies that got told

它會說出所有的謊言

before and after.

在這之前和之後。

It was the honey in the water that made it sweet,

它也是因為蜜糖而變得甜美

it was the oil that made it sick.

這是因為油而變成令人嘔心。

It was my head that was bald --

它是我的秃頭

and comfortable now without a hat.

現在即使沒有帽子, 也感到舒適。

It was my whole self

它是我的整個自我

melting into Michaela's lap.

在Michaela 的大腿之中融化了。

It was the tears that were indistinguishable from the Gulf

眼淚已經跟港灣分不開了

that were falling down my cheek.

同樣的流落在我的頰上。

It was finally being in my body.

它最後也成為了我的身體。

It was the sorrow

它是愁苦

that's taken so long.

已經存在了很久了。

It was finding my place

最後它找到了我

and the huge responsibility

還有那巨大的責任

that comes with connection.

都是由這樣的連繫而來。

It was the continuing devastating war in the Congo

剛果仍有著持續的破壞性戰爭

and the indifference of the world.

以及世界的冷漠。

It was the Congolese women

它是己站起來的

who are now rising up.

剛果的婦女。

It was my mother leaving,

它是我媽媽的離去,

just at the moment

就在我出生

that I was being born.

的那個瞬間。

It was the realization

它是在實現著

that I had come very close to dying --

我慢慢的接近了死亡 ---

in the same way that the Earth, our mother,

就好像地球, 我們的母親,

is barely holding on,

快要撐不住了,

in the same way that 75 percent of the planet

就好像宇宙

are hardly scraping by,

被刮掉了百分之七十五,

in the same way

同樣的

that there is a recipe for survival.

我也學到

What I learned

這是生存的竅門

is it has to do with attention and resources

生存是需要關注和資源的

that everybody deserves.

每個人都值得擁有這些

It was advocating friends

它是倡導的朋友們

and a doting sister.

它是被溺愛的妹妹。

It was wise doctors and advanced medicine

它是聰明的醫生和先進的藥物

and surgeons who knew what to do with their hands.

也是那些知道怎樣做的外科醫生。

It was underpaid and really loving nurses.

它是真正可愛和被剝削的護士，

It was magic healers and aromatic oils.

它是神奇的醫治者及香薰油。

It was people who came with spells and rituals.

它是那個帶著法術和儀式的人。

It was having a vision of the future

它有著對未來的視野

and something to fight for,

以及一些為要爭取的東西，

because I know this struggle isn't my own.

因為我知道那些爭鬥不單只在我。

It was a million prayers.

它是百萬的祈禱者。

It was a thousand hallelujahs

它是千個hallelujahs

and a million oms.

以及百萬個oms。

It was a lot of anger,

它有許多的憤怒

insane humor,

瘋狂的幽默

a lot of attention, outrage.

許多的關注, 憤慨。

It was energy, love and joy.

它是能量, 愛和喜悅。

It was all these things.

它是所有的事。

It was all these things.

它是所有的事

It was all these things

它是所有的東西

in the water, in the world, in my body.

在水裡, 在世上, 在我的身體

(Applause)

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