A call to men | Tony Porter

Reviewer: Maider Lizoain

New York-en hazi nintzen

Harlem eta Bronx auzoen artean.

I grew up in New York City,

Mutil izanda, irakatsi ziguten

between Harlem and the Bronx.

gizonok gogor eta indartsu

Growing up as a boy, we were taught

ausart eta menderatzaile izan behar genuela,

that men had to be tough, had to be strong,

minik gabe, emoziorik gabe

had to be courageous, dominating --

amorrua izan ezik,

no pain, no emotions,

eta, batez ere, beldurrik gabe;

with the exception of anger --

Gizonok agintzen dugula,

and definitely no fear;

hots, emakumeek ez.

that men are in charge,

Gizonok bideratzen dugula

which means women are not;

eta, guk esaten duguna egin behar duzuela.

that men lead,

Gizonok goi-mailakoak garela; emakumeak, behe-mailakoak.

and you should just follow and do what we say;

Gizonok indartsuak garela; emakumeak ahulak.

that men are superior; women are inferior;

that men are strong; women are weak;

Emakumeek gutxiago balio dutela,

that women are of less value,

eta gizonon jabetza direla,

objektuak;

property of men,

batez ere, sexu-objektuak.

and objects,

particularly sexual objects.

Geroago konturatu nintzen

gizonon talde-sozializazioa dela hori,

I've later come to know that to be

the collective socialization of men,

edo "gizontasun kit"-a.

better known

Kit horrek

as the "man box."

gizon bat definitzen duten osagai guztiak dauzka.

See this man box has in it

all the ingredients

Hau ere esan nahi dut, dudarik gabe:

of how we define what it means to be a man.

badagoela zerbait miresgarria,

Now I also want to say, without a doubt,

benetan miresgarria,

there are some wonderful, wonderful,

gizon izatean.

absolutely wonderful things

Baina aldi berean

about being a man.

badaude euren onetik atera diren gauza batzuk

But at the same time,

there's some stuff

eta benetan berriro hasi behar dugu arazoari aurre egiten

that's just straight up twisted,

and we really need to begin

eta benetan ailegatzea berreraikitzera, berdefinitzera,

to challenge, look at it

and really get in the process

gizontasunari buruz daukagun ideia.

of deconstructing, redefining,

what we come to know as manhood.

Nire seme-alabak: Kendall eta Jay.

11 eta 12 urte.

This is my two at home, Kendall and Jay.

Kendall Jay baino 15 hilabete helduagoa da.

They're 11 and 12.

Garai hartan emaztea, Tammie, eta biok oso lanpeturik geunden

Kendall's 15 months older than Jay.

There was a period of time when my wife -- her name is Tammie -- and I,

bata dela eta bestea dela eta bat-batean:

we just got real busy and whip, bam, boom:

Kendall eta Jay.

(Algarak)

Kendall and Jay.

Eta 5-6 urte zutenean,

(Laughter)

4 eta 5,

And when they were about five and six,

Jay niregana hurbiltzen zen,

four and five,

negar zotinka.

Jay could come to me,

Negarren arrazoia ez zen garrantzi handikoa,

come to me crying.

nire belaunean eseri eta mauka mukiz bete ahal zidan,

It didn't matter what she was crying about,

egin negar lasai.

she could get on my knee, she could snot my sleeve up,

Aita hemen dago. Ez kezkatu.

just cry, cry it out.

Kendallek beste aldetik,

Daddy's got you. That's all that's important.

aipatu bezala, 15 hilabete gehiago besterik ez,

Now Kendall on the other hand --

negar zotinka ere bai,

and like I said, he's only 15 months older than her --

eta negar egiten entzun bezain pronto

he'd come to me crying,

barruko kronometroa martxan jartzen zidan.

it's like as soon as I would hear him cry,

Mutilari, agian, 30 segundu ematen nizkion,

a clock would go off.

niregana hurbiltzen zenerako

I would give the boy probably about 30 seconds,

horrelako zerbait esaten nion: "Zergatik negarrez?

which means, by the time he got to me,

Altxa ezazu burua. Begiratu.

I was already saying things like, "Why are you crying?

Azaldu zein den arazoa.

Hold your head up. Look at me.

Zein den arazoa. Ezin zaitut ulertu.

Explain to me what's wrong.

Zergatik ari zara negarrez?"

Tell me what's wrong. I can't understand you.

Nire frustrazioaren gatibu,

Why are you crying?"

nire rolaren eta bera gizon bihurtzeko erantzukizunaren gatibu,

And out of my own frustration

of my role and responsibility

arau hauetan egokitzeko

of building him up as a man

eta estruktura hauetan non gizona izatea argi definitzen den

to fit into these guidelines

honelakoak esaten nizkion:

and these structures that are defining this man box,

"Zoaz zure gelara.

I would find myself saying things like,

Han egon, zure gelan bertan.

"Just go in your room.

Eseri zaitez

Just go on, go on in your room.

agortu arte,

Sit down,

eta gero etor zaitez

get yourself together

prest zaudenean hitz egiteko, noren gisa" ....

and come back and talk to me

when you can talk to me like a --" what?

(Entzuleria: Gizonen gisa)

Gizonen gisa.

(Audience: Man.)

Eta 5 urte besterik ez zituen.

Like a man.

Urteak pasa ahala

And he's five years old.

nire buruari galdetu nion

And as I grow in life,

"Jainko maitea, zer gertatzen zait?

I would say to myself,

Zer egiten ari naiz? Zergatik egiten dut hau?"

"My God, what's wrong with me?

Eta gogoratu nuen.

What am I doing? Why would I do this?"

Nire aita gogoratu nuen.

And I think back.

Nire bizitzaren garai batean,

I think back to my father.

oso esperientzia traumatikoa jasan genuen familian.

There was a time in my life

Nire anaia Henry tragikoki hil egin zen

where we had a very troubled experience in our family.

nerabeak ginenean.

My brother, Henry, he died tragically

New Yorken bizi ginen, aipatu bezala.

when we were teenagers.

Garai hartan, Bronxen bizi ginen

We lived in New York City, as I said.

eta ehorzketa Long Island-en izan zen,

We lived in the Bronx at the time,

2 ordu inguruko distantziara.

and the burial was in a place called Long Island,

Eta prestatzen ari ginen bitartean

it was about two hours outside of the city.

ehorzketatik bueltatzeko

And as we were preparing

kotxe guztiak komunetan gelditu ziren

to come back from the burial,

pertsonak komunera joan ahal izateko

the cars stopped at the bathroom

itzuli-bide luzea hasi baino lehen.

to let folks take care of themselves

Limusina hutsik geratu zen.

before the long ride back to the city.

Ama, arreba, izeko, guztiak jaitsi ziren.

And the limousine empties out.

Nire aita eta biok izan ezik.

My mother, my sister, my auntie, they all get out,

Eta emakumeak jaitsi bezain pronto

but my father and I stayed in the limousine,

nire aita negar egiten hasi zen.

and no sooner than the women got out,

Ez zuen nire aurrean negar egin nahi.

he burst out crying.

Baina bazekien ezingo zuela eutsi hirira iritsi arte

He didn't want cry in front of me,

eta hobe zela nire aurrean egitea

but he knew he wasn't going to make it back to the city,

emozio eta sentimendu horiek emakumeen aurrean erakustea baino.

and it was better me than to allow himself

to express these feelings and emotions in front of the women.

Eta gizon horrek

10 minutu lehenago

And this is a man

bere seme gaztetxoa

who, 10 minutes ago,

lurperatu zuen;

had just put his teenage son

horrelako zerbait imaginatzea ezinezkoa da niretzat.

in the ground --

something I just can't even imagine.

Hunkitu ninduen gauza bitxiena

bere aitzakiak izan ziren

The thing that sticks with me the most

nire aurrean negar egiteagatik.

is that he was apologizing to me

Eta, aldi berean, zorionak eman zizkidan,

for crying in front of me,

nire jarrera goretsi zuen,

and at the same time, he was also giving me props,

negar ez egiteagatik.

lifting me up,

Orain ulertu dut

for not crying.

gizonok daukagun beldur hori,

I come to also look at this

gelditu egin gaituen ikara,

as this fear that we have as men,

bahitu egin gintuen beldurra

this fear that just has us paralyzed,

gizontasun-kit horretatik.

holding us hostage

Behin hitz egin nuen

to this man box.

12 urteko mutil batekin, futbol jokalaria,

I can remember speaking

eta zera galdetu nion:

to a 12-year-old boy, a football player,

"Nola sentituko zinateke

and I asked him, I said,

taldearen aurrean

"How would you feel if,

entrenatzaileak esango balizu neska baten antzera jolastu duzula?"

in front of all the players,

Nik pentsatu nuen esango zidala

your coach told you you were playing like a girl?"

triste, goibel edo haserre sentituko zela.

Now I expected him to say something like,

Ez, umeak esan zidan ...

I'd be sad; I'd be mad; I'd be angry, or something like that.

umeak esan zidan:

No, the boy said to me --

"Horrek suntsituko ninduke".

the boy said to me,

Eta nire baitan pentsatu nuen:

"It would destroy me."

"Jainko maitea, neska deitzeak suntsituko balu

And I said to myself,

"God, if it would destroy him

zer irakasten ari gatzaio

to be called a girl,

what are we then teaching him

neskei buruz?"

(Txaloak)

about girls?"

(Applause)

Eta horrek gogorarazten dit

12 urte nituen garaia.

It took me back to a time

Hiri-nukleo txiroko etxebizitza xume batean hazi nintzen.

when I was about 12 years old.

Garai hartan Bronxen bizi ginen.

I grew up in tenement buildings in the inner city.

Eta gure etxe ondoko eraikuntzan Johnny izeneko mutil bat zegoen.

At this time we're living in the Bronx,

16 urte inguru zituen,

and in the building next to where I lived there was a guy named Johnny.

eta guk 12 urte genituen, gazteagoak.

He was about 16 years old,

Eta bera gurekin ateratzen zen.

and we were all about 12 years old -- younger guys.

Eta gazte horrek ez zuen gauza onik egiten.

And he was hanging out with all us younger guys.

Gurasoek harrituta galdetuko lukete:

And this guy, he was up to a lot of no good.

"Zer egiten du 16 urteko mutilak 12 urtekoekin?"

He was the kind of kid who parents would have to wonder,

"What is this 16-year-old boy doing with these 12-year-old boys?"

Denbora dexente eman zuen ezer onik egin gabe.

Mutil nahasia zen.

And he did spend a lot of time up to no good.

Bere ama heroina-gaindosi batez hil zen.

He was a troubled kid.

Bere amamak hezi zuen.

His mother had died from a heroin overdose.

Bere aita desagerturik zegoen.

He was being raised by his grandmother.

Bere amamak 2 lanpostu zituen.

His father wasn't on the set.

Askotan egoten zen etxean bakarrik.

His grandmother had two jobs.

Baina egia kontatu behar dizuet,

He was home alone a lot.

gainerakook mutil hori miresten genuen.

But I've got to tell you, we young guys,

Apartekoa zen.

we looked up to this dude, man.

Bikaina.

He was cool. He was fine.

Hori zioten gure arrebek: "Bikaina da".

That's what the sisters said, "He was fine."

Sexu-harremanak zituen.

Benetan miresten genuen.

He was having sex.

Egun batean, bere etxe azpian nengoen zerbait egiten

We all looked up to him.

So one day, I'm out in front of the house doing something --

jolasten, edo.

Leihotik begiratu zuen eta igotzeko esan zidan:

just playing around, doing something -- I don't know what.

"Kaixo Anthony". Txikitan hala deitzen zidaten.

He looks out his window; he calls me upstairs; he said, "Hey Anthony."

"Kaixo Anthony. Etor zaitez gora".

They called me Anthony growing up as a kid.

Johnnyk deitu, eta hara gindoazen.

"Hey Anthony, come on upstairs."

Eskailerak korrika igo nuen.

Johnny call, you go.

Eta atea zabaltzean esan zidan: "Nahi al duzu?"

So I run right upstairs.

As he opens the door, he says to me, "Do you want some?"

Eta bat-batean konturatu nintzen zertaz ari zen.

Garai hartan niretzat

Now I immediately knew what he meant.

gizontasun-giro horrekin erlazionaturik

Because for me growing up at that time,

"nahi" hitzak bi esanahi posible zituen:

and our relationship with this man box,

sexua edo droga;

"Do you want some?" meant one of two things:

eta ez geunden drogatan sartuta.

sex or drugs --

Nire kit-a, nire gizontasun-egiaztagiria

and we weren't doing drugs.

Now my box, my card,

berehalako arriskuan zegoen.

my man box card,

Bi gauza:

bata, ez nuen inoiz sexu-harremanik izan.

was immediately in jeopardy.

Baina gizon batek ez du inoiz hori esaten.

Two things: One, I never had sex.

Lagun maiteari, gertukoari kontatzen zaio, isileko juramentuan,

We don't talk about that as men.

sexu-harremanak izan zituen lehenengo aldia.

You only tell your dearest, closest friend, sworn to secrecy for life,

Gainerakoentzat, bazirudien 2 urtetatik aurrera izan genituela.

the first time you had sex.

Ez zegoen lehenengo aldirik.

For everybody else, we go around like we've been having sex since we were two.

(Algarak)

There ain't no first time.

Kontatu ezin nion beste gauza: nik ez nuen nahi.

(Laughter)

The other thing I couldn't tell him is that I didn't want any.

Hori txarragoa zen. Antza denez, beti prest geunden.

That's even worse. We're supposed to always be on the prowl.

Emakumeak objektuak dira, batez ere, objektu sexualak.

Women are objects,

Dena den, ezin nion hori esan.

especially sexual objects.

Beraz, amak zioenez, istorioa laburtzeko,

Anyway, so I couldn't tell him any of that.

"bai" esan nion Johnnyri.

So, like my mother would say, make a long story short,

Bere gelara sartzeko eskatu zidan.

I just simply said to Johnny, "Yes."

Logelan sartu nintzen. Ohean auzoko neska bat zegoen, Sheila.

He told me to go in his room.

I go in his room. On his bed is a girl from the neighborhood named Sheila.

16 urte zituen.

Biluzik zegoen.

She's 16 years old.

Buruko gaixoa zen;

She's nude.

batzuetan besteetan baino zuhurragoa.

She's what I know today to be mentally ill,

Berarentzat izen desegoki asko geneuzkan.

higher-functioning at times than others.

We had a whole choice of inappropriate names for her.

Dena den, Johnnyk arestian sexu-harremanak izan zituen berarekin.

Beno, bortxatu egin zuen baina berak sexu-harreman deitzen zion.

Anyway, Johnny had just gotten through having sex with her.

Well actually, he raped her, but he would say he had sex with her.

Zeren Sheilak ez zuen inoiz ezetz esan,

ezta baietz ere.

Because, while Sheila never said no,

Horregatik eskaini zidan gauza bera egiteko aukera.

she also never said yes.

Gelara sartu nintzenean, atea itxi nuen.

So he was offering me the opportunity to do the same.

So when I go in the room, I close the door.

Aizue, estonatuta nengoen.

Bizkarra atearen kontra, Johnny gelara ez sartzeko

Folks, I'm petrified.

eta ez ikusteko ez nintzela ezer egiten ari.

I stand with my back to the door so Johnny can't bust in the room

Denbora dexente eman nuen, balizko ekintza gerta zedin.

and see that I'm not doing anything,

and I stand there long enough that I could have actually done something.

Ezin nuen pentsatu zer egin

gela hartatik nola atera baino ez.

So now I'm no longer trying to figure out what I'm going to do;

Orduan nire 12 urteko jakituriarekin

I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get out of this room.

prakaren kremailera jaitsi nuen eta gelatik irten nintzen.

So in my 12 years of wisdom,

I zip my pants down,

Eta nire harridurarako,

I walk out into the room,

ni Sheilarekin egon nintzen bitartean,

and lo and behold to me,

Johnny leihora bueltatu zen eta lagunak deitzen ari zen.

while I was in the room with Sheila,

Hots, orain egongela beterik zegoen.

Johnny was back at the window calling guys up.

Medikuareneko itxaron-gela zirudien.

So now there's a living room full of guys.

Eta iritzia galdetu zidaten.

It was like the waiting room in the doctor's office.

Eta nik erantzun nien "Ondo".

And they asked me how was it,

Eta kremailera igo nuen euren aurrean

and I say to them, "It was good,"

eta handik atera nintzen.

and I zip my pants up in front of them,

Orain alhaduraz esaten dut hau,

and I head for the door.

eta garai hartan kristoren alhadura sentitu nuen,

Now I say this all with remorse,

baina larrituta nengoen, alhadura sentitu arren, hunkitu nintzelako

and I was feeling a tremendous amount of remorse at that time,

haiek konturatu ez zirelako;

but I was conflicted, because, while I was feeling remorse, I was excited,

baina banekien txarto sentitu nintzela.

because I didn't get caught.

Gizontasun-arautik irtetzeko beldur horrek

But I knew I felt bad about what was happening.

guztiz harrapatu ninduen.

This fear, getting outside the man box,

Askoz inportanteagoak ziren

totally enveloped me.

nire gizontasun-egiaztagiriak

It was way more important to me,

Sheilarena

about me and my man box card

eta han gertatu zenarena baino.

than about Sheila

Modu kolektiboan ikusita, gizon gisa,

and what was happening to her.

emakumeak mespretxatzen irakasten digute,

See collectively, we as men

gizonen jabetza eta objektu gisa ikusten.

are taught to have less value in women,

Jarrera horrek emakumeen kontrako indarkeriara eramaten gaitu.

to view them as property and the objects of men.

We see that as an equation that equals violence against women.

Gizon gisa, gizon on gisa,

gizon gehienok,

We as men, good men,

jarraitzen dugu

the large majority of men,

talde-sozializazio hau.

we operate on the foundation

Banandurik ikusten dugu, baina arazoaren zati bat gara.

of this whole collective socialization.

Ulertu behar dugu

We kind of see ourselves separate, but we're very much a part of it.

mespretxatzea, jabetza eta gauza bihurtzea euskarri direla

You see, we have to come to understand

that less value, property and objectification is the foundation

eta hori gabe indarkeria ezin dela gertatu.

Beraz, irtenbidearen zati bat gara

and the violence can't happen without it.

baita arazoarena ere.

So we're very much a part of the solution

Gaixotasunen Kontrolen Zentroak dio

as well as the problem.

gizonen indarkeria emakumeen kontra jada epidemikoa dela;

The center for disease control says

emakumeen osasun-arazo printzipalena da,

that men's violence against women is at epidemic proportions,

hemen zein atzerrian.

is the number one health concern for women

Amaitzeko, gustatuko litzaidake esatea

in this country and abroad.

nire alaba Jay nire bizitzaren maitasuna dela.

So quickly, I'd like to just say,

Berarentzat imaginatzen dudan munduan,

this is the love of my life, my daughter Jay.

nola gustatuko litzaidake gizonak portatzea?

The world I envision for her --

Barruan behar zaitut, nirekin.

how do I want men to be acting and behaving?

Lanean behar zaitut nirekin eta ni zurekin

I need you on board. I need you with me.

semeen hezkuntzan

I need you working with me and me working with you

benetako gizon bihurtzeko.

on how we raise our sons

Ez-menderatzilea izatea ondo dagoela,

and teach them to be men --

sentimendu eta emozioak izatea,

that it's okay to not be dominating,

berdintasuna bultzatzea ondo dagoela,

that it's okay to have feelings and emotions,

emakumezko lagunak izatea ondo dagoela,

that it's okay to promote equality,

zintzoa izatea ondo dagoela,

that it's okay to have women who are just friends and that's it,

gizonaren askatzea

that it's okay to be whole,

emakumearen askatzeari lotuta dagoela.

that my liberation as a man

is tied to your liberation as a woman. (Applause)

Behin galdetu nion 9 urteko mutil bati:

I remember asking a nine-year-old boy,

"Zer izango litzateke bizitza zuretzat

I asked a nine-year-old boy,

gizontasun-arau horri lotuko ez bazina?"

"What would life be like for you,

Eta esan zidan: "Aske izango nintzateke."

if you didn't have to adhere to this man box?"

Mila esker guztioi.

He said to me, "I would be free."

(Txaloak)

Thank you folks.

(Applause)