Embracing otherness, embracing myself | Thandiwe Newton

譯者: Yakun Li 審譯者: Ann Lee

Embracing otherness.

擁抱相異性

When I first heard this theme,

當我第一次聽到這個說法時

I thought, well, embracing otherness

我想到，擁抱相異性

is embracing myself.

就是擁抱我自己

And the journey to that place

我現在有了理解與包容的心態

of understanding and acceptance

然而通往這種心態的心路歷程

has been an interesting one for me,

我覺得非常有趣

and it's given me an insight

並且這個歷程還給了我

into the whole notion of self,

對於自我這個概念的一些見解

which I think is worth sharing with you today.

我想這個見解值得與在座的每一位分享

We each have a self,

我們每個人，都有一個自我

but I don't think that we're born with one.

但我認為這個自我不是與生俱來的

You know how newborn babies

你知道，新生兒

believe they're part of everything;

認為他們與萬物是一體的，自己只是萬物的一部分

they're not separate?

而不是分離的

Well that fundamental sense of oneness

這種根本的萬物一體的概念

is lost on us very quickly.

我們很快就忘記了

It's like that initial stage is over --

就像是我們人生的初始階段很快就結束了

oneness: infancy,

這種合一的概念：人生初始

unformed, primitive.

未成型的，原始的

It's no longer valid or real.

這個合一的概念對於我們不再真實有效

What is real is separateness,

取而代之的分離的概念

and at some point in early babyhood,

在嬰兒時期的早期階段

the idea of self

自我的概念

starts to form.

開始成型

Our little portion of oneness is given a name,

我們個人的這一小部分開始有了一個名字

is told all kinds of things about itself,

開始得知各種關於自己的事情

and these details,

這些細節

opinions and ideas

觀點，見解

become facts,

成爲事實

which go towards building ourselves,

成爲構築我們的自我

our identity.

我們的身份的材料

And that self becomes the vehicle

這個自我成爲了在我們

for navigating our social world.

這個社會裏行動的承載

But the self is a projection

但是這個自我只是一個投影

based on other people's projections.

一個建於別人的看法上的投影

Is it who we really are?

真實的反映了我們嗎？

Or who we really want to be, or should be?

或者真實的反映了我們想要成爲的樣子，或者應該成爲的樣子嗎？

So this whole interaction

這一切的自我與身份

with self and identity

之間的交流

was a very difficult one for me growing up.

在我長大的過程是個很大的難題

The self that I attempted to take out into the world

我試圖展現給世界的一個自我身份

was rejected over and over again.

收到一次又一次的打擊

And my panic

我因爲沒有一個

at not having a self that fit,

適合世界的自我身份而帶來的恐慌

and the confusion that came

以及由於這種自我身份受到打擊

from my self being rejected,

與拒絕而產生的困惑

created anxiety, shame

又帶來了焦慮，羞愧

and hopelessness,

還有無助感

which kind of defined me for a long time.

這些感受在很長的一段時間裏是我生命的主題

But in retrospect,

但是回頭看看

the destruction of my self was so repetitive

我的自我被摧毀的是如此頻繁

that I started to see a pattern.

幫我看到了一個規律的存在

The self changed,

我的自我開始起變化

got affected, broken, destroyed,

收到了外界影響，被打碎摧毀

but another one would evolve --

另一個自我開始逐漸產生 ——

sometimes stronger,

有時候很強壯

sometimes hateful,

有時候充滿了憤恨

sometimes not wanting to be there at all.

有時候根本不想存在

The self was not constant.

這個自我不穩定

And how many times

就像這樣

would my self have to die

我的自我要死去多少次

before I realized

我才能醒悟

that it was never alive in the first place?

這個自我根本不是從一開始就存在的

I grew up on the coast of England

我在70年代的英格蘭的

in the '70s.

沿海地區長大

My dad is white from Cornwall,

我的爸爸是從康維爾地區來的，白人

and my mom is black from Zimbabwe.

我媽媽是從津巴部偉來的黑人

Even the idea of us as a family

我們這個家庭的組成

was challenging to most people.

對於大多數人來說是不好接受的

But nature had its wicked way,

但是自然有它自己的方式

and brown babies were born.

棕色的孩子誕生了

But from about the age of five,

但是自從五歲開始

I was aware that I didn't fit.

我就意識到，我與世界格格不入

I was the black atheist kid

我是在我們由修女們管理的全是白人的

in the all-white Catholic school run by nuns.

天主教學校的無神論的黑人孩子

I was an anomaly,

我是個異類

and my self was rooting around for definition

我的自我四處找尋定義

and trying to plug in.

試圖找到切入點而融入

Because the self likes to fit,

因爲自我希望融入

to see itself replicated,

看到自己被複製

to belong.

找到歸屬

That confirms its existence

因爲這樣就肯定了自我的存在

and its importance.

以及其重要性

And it is important.

這很重要

It has an extremely important function.

這有一個很重要的功用

Without it, we literally can't interface with others.

沒有這個功用，我們根本無法與他人交往

We can't hatch plans

我們就沒辦法想出計劃

and climb that stairway of popularity,

不斷的向上爬，變得更加受歡迎

of success.

更加成功

But my skin color wasn't right.

但是我的膚色不對

My hair wasn't right.

我的頭髮也不對

My history wasn't right.

我的個人歷史也不對

My self became defined

我的自我被相異性

by otherness,

所定義

which meant that, in that social world,

這就意味着，在這個社會裏

I didn't really exist.

我不存在

And I was "other" before being anything else --

我首先是一個異類——

even before being a girl.

這個身份甚至比作爲一個女孩還要考前

I was a noticeable nobody.

我是一個引人注目的無名小卒

Another world was opening up

在這個時候，另一個世界

around this time:

向我招手

performance and dancing.

這就是表演與舞蹈

That nagging dread of self-hood

那個無時無刻都存在的對我自我身份的擔心

didn't exist when I was dancing.

在我跳舞的時候不復存在

I'd literally lose myself.

我真的拋棄了自我

And I was a really good dancer.

我是一個很好的舞者

I would put

我把我全部的

all my emotional expression

感情都在我的舞蹈裏

into my dancing.

表現出來

I could be in the movement

我舞動的方式

in a way that I wasn't able to be

是我在我的現實生活中

in my real life, in myself.

無法做到的

And at 16,

在16歲的時候

I stumbled across another opportunity,

我碰上了另一個機會

and I earned my first acting role in a film.

得到了我第一個電影表演角色

I can hardly find the words

我在表演是感受道德

to describe the peace I felt

平和是我無法

when I was acting.

用語言描述的

My dysfunctional self

我無法運轉的自我

could actually plug in

卻可以融入另一個

to another self, not my own,

不屬於我自己的自我

and it felt so good.

那種感覺好極了

It was the first time that I existed

那是我第一次存在與

inside a fully-functioning self --

一個完全正常的自我裏——

one that I controlled,

這個自我由我控制

that I steered,

我掌握其方向

that I gave life to.

我給予其生命

But the shooting day would end,

但是拍攝結束後

and I'd return

我會回到

to my gnarly, awkward self.

我自己的長刺的，蹩腳的自我

By 19,

19歲的時候

I was a fully-fledged movie actor,

我已經成爲了一個羽翼豐滿的電影演員

but still searching for definition.

但是我還是在找尋我自我的定義

I applied to read anthropology

我申請上大學

at university.

攻讀人類學

Dr. Phyllis Lee gave me my interview,

菲莉思 李 博士面試我

and she asked me, "How would you define race?"

她問我：“你怎樣來定義種族呢？“

Well, I thought I had the answer to that one,

我以爲我知道這一題的答案

and I said, "Skin color."

我說，“膚色。”

"So biology, genetics?" she said.

“那你就是說，生物，基因了？”她說

"Because, Thandie, that's not accurate.

“桑迪，你這樣的定義是不準確的。

Because there's actually more genetic difference

因爲一個黑皮膚的肯尼亞人

between a black Kenyan

與一個黑皮膚的烏幹達人

and a black Ugandan

之間的基因差別要多與

than there is between a black Kenyan

一個黑色皮膚的肯尼亞人

and, say, a white Norwegian.

與，比如說，一個白色皮膚挪威人之間的區別

Because we all stem from Africa.

因爲我們都是從非洲來的

So in Africa,

所以在非洲

there's been more time

有更長的時間來

to create genetic diversity."

實現基因多樣化

In other words,

也就是說

race has no basis

種族的劃分

in biological or scientific fact.

沒有生物或者科學的依據

On the one hand, result.

一方面是結果

Right?

是不是？

On the other hand, my definition of self

另一方面，我對自我這個概念的定義

just lost a huge chunk of its credibility.

就這樣失去了一大部分其可信性

But what was credible,

可信的是

what is biological and scientific fact,

生物學與科學事實

is that we all stem from Africa --

那就是我們都是源自非洲

in fact, from a woman called Mitochondrial Eve

事實上，我們都是源自於一個叫做 Mitochondrial Eve 的女人

who lived 160,000 years ago.

她生活在16萬年前

And race is an illegitimate concept

所以說，種族是一個不合理的概念

which our selves have created

我們的自我創造出來的

based on fear and ignorance.

基於恐懼與無知

Strangely, these revelations

奇怪的是，瞭解到這些

didn't cure my low self-esteem,

並沒有提高我的自尊

that feeling of otherness.

還有那種異類感

My desire to disappear

我想要消失的願望

was still very powerful.

還是非常強烈

I had a degree from Cambridge;

我有一個劍橋的學位

I had a thriving career,

我的事業蒸蒸日上

but my self was a car crash,

但我自己是一團糟，就像一個災難

and I wound up with bulimia

結果我患上了貪食症

and on a therapist's couch.

並且開始接受心理治療

And of course I did.

我當然會成爲這樣

I still believed

我當時依然相信

my self was all I was.

我的自我就是我的全部

I still valued self-worth

我依然重視自我價值

above all other worth,

勝過其他的任何價值

and what was there to suggest otherwise?

我還能怎麼想呢

We've created entire value systems

我們創造的整個的價值系統

and a physical reality

客觀存在

to support the worth of self.

都是爲了支撐這個自我的價值

Look at the industry for self-image

看看那圍繞個人形象的建立的產業

and the jobs it creates,

還有由此帶來的工作

the revenue it turns over.

創造的產值

We'd be right in assuming

我們最好是去認爲

that the self is an actual living thing.

這個自我是個真實存在的東西

But it's not. It's a projection

但是答案是否定的；它只是一個投影

which our clever brains create

一個我們聰明的大腦創造出來的投影

in order to cheat ourselves

來欺騙我們自己

from the reality of death.

好讓我們無需面對死亡這一現實

But there is something

但是有一個東西

that can give the self

可以給予自我

ultimate and infinite connection --

終極的，無限的聯繫

and that thing is oneness,

這就是合一性

our essence.

我們的本源

The self's struggle

自我的掙扎

for authenticity and definition

來尋求真實性與定義

will never end

永遠不會停止

unless it's connected to its creator --

除非自我得以與其創造者鏈接——

to you and to me.

與你，與我

And that can happen with awareness --

只要意識到這一點——

awareness of the reality of oneness

意識到合一性的真實存在

and the projection of self-hood.

與自我其實僅僅是一個投影

For a start, we can think about

開始的時候我們可以想想

all the times when we do lose ourselves.

我們真的忘我的時候

It happens when I dance,

對我而言，我在舞蹈的時候就會忘了自己

when I'm acting.

還有在我表演的時候

I'm earthed in my essence,

我植根與我的本源中

and my self is suspended.

我的自我被暫停

In those moments,

在那些時段裏

I'm connected to everything --

我與萬物相連——

the ground, the air,

大地，空氣

the sounds, the energy from the audience.

聲音，觀衆羣中的能量

All my senses are alert and alive

我所有的感官都警覺而有活力

in much the same way as an infant might feel --

就像一個初生嬰兒一樣

that feeling of oneness.

感受合一性

And when I'm acting a role,

當我表演一個角色的時候

I inhabit another self,

我居住在另一個自我裏

and I give it life for awhile,

我在一段時間裏給予其生命

because when the self is suspended

因爲，當我的自我被暫停了以後

so is divisiveness

分離與

and judgment.

評判的態度也就暫停了

And I've played everything

我表演過各種角色

from a vengeful ghost in the time of slavery

從存在與奴隸制時代的復仇心很重的鬼魂

to Secretary of State in 2004.

到生活在2004年的國務卿

And no matter how other

不管這些別的人物的自我

these selves might be,

與我有多麼相異

they're all related in me.

我都能理解他們

And I honestly believe

而且我真的相信

the key to my success as an actor

我做爲演員成功的關鍵

and my progress as a person

還有我做爲一個人進步的原因

has been the very lack of self

就是我缺乏我的自我

that used to make me feel

即使這種缺乏在過去讓我感到

so anxious and insecure.

無比焦慮與缺乏安全感

I always wondered

我經常想

why I could feel others' pain so deeply,

爲什麼我能如此深刻的感受到他人的痛楚

why I could recognize

爲什麼我能看到

the somebody in the nobody.

無名小卒裏的不平凡的靈魂

It's because I didn't have a self to get in the way.

因爲我沒有一個我的自我來擋道

I thought I lacked substance,

我本以爲我缺乏實在的存在

and the fact that I could feel others'

還有我能夠感受他人

meant that I had nothing of myself to feel.

是因爲我沒有一個自我可以感受

The thing that was a source of shame

這在過去是我羞愧的來源

was actually a source of enlightenment.

現在卻成了我感悟的源泉

And when I realized

當我意識到

and really understood

並理解

that my self is a projection and that it has a function,

我的自我是一個投影，這個自我有自己的功用

a funny thing happened.

一個有意思的事情發生了

I stopped giving it so much authority.

我不再給我的自我很多的權力

I give it its due.

我開始對它進行磨練

I take it to therapy.

我帶我的自我去心理諮詢

I've become very familiar

我已經對我的自我不運轉不正常

with its dysfunctional behavior.

的行爲非常熟悉

But I'm not ashamed of my self.

但是我不再對自己感到羞愧

In fact, I respect my self

事實上，我尊重我的自我

and its function.

還有它的運轉

And over time and with practice,

通過時間跟練習

I've tried to live

我不斷試着從我的

more and more from my essence.

本源出發來生活

And if you can do that,

如果你可以做到這點

incredible things happen.

很奇妙的事情就會發生

I was in Congo in February,

二月份的時候我在剛果

dancing and celebrating

與自我遭到了

with women who've survived

真實無法想象的毀滅的

the destruction of their selves

婦女們一起

in literally unthinkable ways --

跳舞慶祝——

destroyed because other brutalized, psychopathic selves

其他有着被摧殘了的變態的自我的人們

all over that beautiful land

大舉入侵這篇美麗的土地

are fueling our selves' addiction

來保障供應我們的自我

to iPods, Pads, and bling,

對於ipods，ipads，與其他光鮮事物的癮

which further disconnect ourselves

這個癮讓我們更加無法

from ever feeling their pain,

感受她們的苦痛

their suffering,

她們的磨難

their death.

她們的死亡

Because, hey,

因爲，

if we're all living in ourselves

如果我們都在我們的自我裏生活

and mistaking it for life,

還以爲這就是人生

then we're devaluing

那麼我們就在貶低人生的價值

and desensitizing life.

對一切都不再敏感

And in that disconnected state,

在這樣一個隔離的狀態裏

yeah, we can build factory farms with no windows,

沒錯，我們可以建造沒有窗戶的工廠

destroy marine life

摧毀海洋生命

and use rape as a weapon of war.

用強姦來做爲戰爭的武器

So here's a note to self:

所以，我有一個對於自我的建議：

The cracks have started to show

我們鋼筋水泥的世界

in our constructed world,

已經呈現裂縫了

and oceans will continue

大海將會不斷的

to surge through the cracks,

沿着裂縫上涌

and oil and blood,

還有石油和血

rivers of it.

迴流成河

Crucially, we haven't been figuring out

關鍵的是，我們還沒有找出

how to live in oneness

怎樣與地球以及其他生物

with the Earth and every other living thing.

合一而共存

We've just been insanely trying to figure out

我們瘋了一樣試圖找到

how to live with each other -- billions of each other.

與其他人類共存的方式——幾十億的人類

Only we're not living with each other;

只是，並不是我們生活在一起

our crazy selves are living with each other

而是我們瘋癲的自我生活在一起

and perpetuating an epidemic

不斷的讓這個無法交匯溝通的疫病

of disconnection.

蔓延

Let's live with each other

讓我們真正的生活在一起

and take it a breath at a time.

一步一步的來

If we can get under that heavy self,

如果我們可以鑽到自我這個龐然大物下面

light a torch of awareness,

點燃一隻自覺的火炬

and find our essence,

找到我們的本源

our connection to the infinite

那我們得以與無限以及

and every other living thing.

其它一起生物相聯繫的紐帶

We knew it from the day we were born.

我們從出生之日其就知曉這個紐帶

Let's not be freaked out

我們不需要因爲

by our bountiful nothingness.

我們大把的空虛性而慌張

It's more a reality

我們生存的狀態這個事實

than the ones our selves have created.

僅僅是我們自己創造的

Imagine what kind of existence we can have

想象一下，我們的生存方式會是怎樣的

if we honor inevitable death of self,

如果我們能夠直面自我不可避免的死亡

appreciate the privilege of life

珍惜我們可以生存的權利

and marvel at what comes next.

對即將發生的事情保持驚喜的心

Simple awareness is where it begins.

這些簡單的意識，就是我們回歸的開始

Thank you for listening.

感謝你們來聽我的演講

(Applause)

「掌聲」