Embracing otherness, embracing myself | Thandiwe Newton

Translator: Tracy Hong Reviewer: Ann Lee

Embracing otherness.

包容他人。

When I first heard this theme,

當我第一次聽到嚟個主題，

I thought, well, embracing otherness

我唸，包容他人

is embracing myself.

就系擁抱自己。

And the journey to that place

之所以會有嚟種想法

of understanding and acceptance

系因為深刻體會和接受。

has been an interesting one for me,

我覺得非常有趣，

and it's given me an insight

同埋給予我一種對自我的

into the whole notion of self,

洞察見解

which I think is worth sharing with you today.

今天，我想將嚟個見解同在座的各位分享

We each have a self,

我地每個人都有一個自我，

but I don't think that we're born with one.

但我唔認為嚟種自我系與生俱來的。

You know how newborn babies

你知道，新生兒

believe they're part of everything;

相信距地系萬物中的一體；

they're not separate?

他們沒有分離。

Well that fundamental sense of oneness

嚟種萬物歸一嘅概念

is lost on us very quickly.

被我地好快就遺忘了。

It's like that initial stage is over --

就好似人生最初階段好快就結束咗--

oneness: infancy,

統一性：雛形，

unformed, primitive.

未成型，原始的。

It's no longer valid or real.

嚟種萬物歸一嘅概念對於我地來講已經失真，失效。

What is real is separateness,

取而代之嘅系獨立性。

and at some point in early babyhood,

就系初生嬰兒時期，

the idea of self

自我的概念

starts to form.

開始成型。

Our little portion of oneness is given a name,

從起名開始，自我的小部分開始萌芽，

is told all kinds of things about itself,

開始得知各種關於自己的事情。

and these details,

嚟D細節，

opinions and ideas

觀點同見解

become facts,

成為事實，

which go towards building ourselves,

逐漸構造我地自我，

our identity.

同我地身份。

And that self becomes the vehicle

與此同時自我便成為我地

for navigating our social world.

系嚟個社會行動嘅方向。

But the self is a projection

但系嚟個自我只是一個投影

based on other people's projections.

一個建立於他人對你睇法嘅投影。

Is it who we really are?

距可以真實反映我們嗎？

Or who we really want to be, or should be?

或者真實的反映我們想成為點樣， 又或者應該系點樣？

So this whole interaction

所有嚟D自我同身份

with self and identity

相互交流

was a very difficult one for me growing up.

伴隨我成長嘅過程中一個大難題。

The self that I attempted to take out into the world

我試圖呈現俾世界嘅真我

was rejected over and over again.

受到一次又一次嘅打擊。

And my panic

而我恐慌

at not having a self that fit,

沒有一個適合自己的自我，

and the confusion that came

以及因拒絕繼而

from my self being rejected,

產生嘅困惑

created anxiety, shame

又帶來焦慮，羞愧

and hopelessness,

同埋無助感，

which kind of defined me for a long time.

系好長一段時間內，嚟D感受一直牽引住我的生命。

But in retrospect,

但反過來唸下，

the destruction of my self was so repetitive

我嘅自我被摧毀的系如此頻繁，

that I started to see a pattern.

幫我睇到一個規律的存在。

The self changed,

我嘅自我開始改變，

got affected, broken, destroyed,

被外界影響，被摧毀打碎，

but another one would evolve --

另一個我又逐漸開始產生----

sometimes stronger,

有時好勇敢，

sometimes hateful,

有時充滿憤恨，

sometimes not wanting to be there at all.

有時根本唔想存在。

The self was not constant.

黎個自我系唔穩定。

And how many times

又有多少次

would my self have to die

我嘅自我要死去

before I realized

先至領悟

that it was never alive in the first place?

黎個自我從始至終根本唔存在？

I grew up on the coast of England

我成長於英國沿海地帶

in the '70s.

70年代

My dad is white from Cornwall,

我爸爸系白人來自康沃尔郡，

and my mom is black from Zimbabwe.

而我媽媽系黑人來自津巴布韦。

Even the idea of us as a family

即使作為一個咁樣嘅家庭，

was challenging to most people.

對於好多人來講都未必接受。

But nature had its wicked way,

但系自然就有距獨特嘅方式，

and brown babies were born.

一個棕色嬰兒就此誕生。

But from about the age of five,

但大概從五歲開始，

I was aware that I didn't fit.

我就意識到，我與黎個世界格格不入。

I was the black atheist kid

我系一個無神論嘅黑人小孩

in the all-white Catholic school run by nuns.

就讀一間由修女掌管嘅全白人天主教學校。

I was an anomaly,

我就係一個異常。

and my self was rooting around for definition

而我四處為自我去尋找定義，

and trying to plug in.

並試圖找到切入點去融入。

Because the self likes to fit,

因為自我希望融入，

to see itself replicated,

睇到自己被複製，

to belong.

搵到歸屬。

That confirms its existence

因為肯定自我的存在

and its importance.

以及其重要性。

And it is important.

確實，咁樣好重要。

It has an extremely important function.

具有极其重要的的功能。

Without it, we literally can't interface with others.

無咗距，我地根本無法與人交往。

We can't hatch plans

我地無辦法孵化計劃

and climb that stairway of popularity,

不斷向上爬，變得更受歡迎，

of success.

更為成功。

But my skin color wasn't right.

不過我嘅膚色唔o岩。

My hair wasn't right.

我嘅頭髮唔o岩。

My history wasn't right.

我個人嘅歷史唔o岩。

My self became defined

我嘅自我被相異性，

by otherness,

所定義，

which meant that, in that social world,

咁就意味著，系黎個社會，

I didn't really exist.

我唔存在。

And I was "other" before being anything else --

而我首先系個異類，黎個身份

even before being a girl.

甚至比作為一個女仔更先考慮。

I was a noticeable nobody.

我系一個引人注目無名小卒。

Another world was opening up

與此同時，另一個世界

around this time:

向我招手：

performance and dancing.

演出與舞蹈。

That nagging dread of self-hood

那個無時無刻都存在對自我身份嘅擔憂

didn't exist when I was dancing.

當我跳舞時都不再存在。

I'd literally lose myself.

我真系拋棄了自我。

And I was a really good dancer.

我系一個非常優秀嘅舞者。

I would put

我會把

all my emotional expression

我全部的感情

into my dancing.

投入在舞蹈中。

I could be in the movement

我可以舞出在

in a way that I wasn't able to be

現實生活中無法

in my real life, in myself.

做到嘅自我。

And at 16,

在我16歲的時候，

I stumbled across another opportunity,

我遇到另一個機會，

and I earned my first acting role in a film.

我得到咗第一次出演電影嘅機會。

I can hardly find the words

我難以用言語

to describe the peace I felt

來形容當時我所感受到嘅平和

when I was acting.

當我演出時。

My dysfunctional self

我無法運轉嘅自我

could actually plug in

卻可以融入到

to another self, not my own,

不屬於我自己的自我。

and it felt so good.

黎種感受實在太好啦。

It was the first time that I existed

黎個系我第一次感受到自己嘅存在

inside a fully-functioning self --

一個完全正常的自我裡。

one that I controlled,

一個自我可以控制，

that I steered,

我可以掌托，

that I gave life to.

我給予其生命。

But the shooting day would end,

但系當拍攝完結時，

and I'd return

我重回到

to my gnarly, awkward self.

果個粗燥，蠢鈍嘅我。

By 19,

19歲的時候，

I was a fully-fledged movie actor,

我已成為一個完羽翼豐滿的電影演員，

but still searching for definition.

但系我仲系到找尋自我的定義。

I applied to read anthropology

我申請攻讀人類學

at university.

系大學。

Dr. Phyllis Lee gave me my interview,

菲利斯·李博士面試我，

and she asked me, "How would you define race?"

她問我，“你系點樣定義種族？”

Well, I thought I had the answer to that one,

我以為知道黎題嘅答案。

and I said, "Skin color."

我講， ”膚色“。

"So biology, genetics?" she said.

“咁你即系話， 生物，基因咯？” 距講。

"Because, Thandie, that's not accurate.

”不過， 桑迪，黎個答案唔準確喔。

Because there's actually more genetic difference

因為系基因上

between a black Kenyan

一個黑皮膚嘅肯尼亞人

and a black Ugandan

同一個黑皮膚嘅烏干達人

than there is between a black Kenyan

的差別好多。 一個黑皮膚嘅肯尼亞人。

and, say, a white Norwegian.

比如同， 一個白膚色挪威人之間亦有區別。

Because we all stem from Africa.

因為我地都來自非洲。

So in Africa,

所以系非洲，

there's been more time

有更長嘅時間

to create genetic diversity."

來形成基因多樣化。 “

In other words,

換言之，

race has no basis

種族的劃分

in biological or scientific fact.

系無生物同科學的依據。

On the one hand, result.

一方面系結果。

Right?

o岩唔o岩？

On the other hand, my definition of self

系另一方面， 我對自我嘅定義

just lost a huge chunk of its credibility.

就咁樣失去一大部分可信性。

But what was credible,

可信嘅系，

what is biological and scientific fact,

生物學與科學事實，

is that we all stem from Africa --

就係我地都係來自非洲--

in fact, from a woman called Mitochondrial Eve

事實上， 我地都源自一個女人-『粒線體夏娃』

who lived 160,000 years ago.

她生後在16萬年前。

And race is an illegitimate concept

所以，種族系一個不合理的概念

which our selves have created

系我地自我所塑造的

based on fear and ignorance.

基於恐慌與無知。

Strangely, these revelations

奇怪嘅系，了解到黎一切

didn't cure my low self-esteem,

並沒有治愈好我卑微的自尊，

that feeling of otherness.

仲系有果種異類感。

My desire to disappear

我想要就此消失的祈望

was still very powerful.

還是非常強烈。

I had a degree from Cambridge;

我有一個劍橋學位；

I had a thriving career,

我嘅蒸蒸日上；

but my self was a car crash,

但我自己就似一場車禍，

and I wound up with bulimia

結果我患上厭食症

and on a therapist's couch.

並開始接受心理治療。

And of course I did.

我當然會變成咁。

I still believed

當時我仍然相信

my self was all I was.

我的自我便是我的全部。

I still valued self-worth

我依然非常自重

above all other worth,

勝於其他所有的價值。

and what was there to suggest otherwise?

我仲可以點唸？

We've created entire value systems

我地所創造出嘅整個價值系統

and a physical reality

客觀存在緊

to support the worth of self.

都系為著支撐黎個自我的價值觀。

Look at the industry for self-image

睇下周邊為個人形象所建立的產業

and the jobs it creates,

仲有相關聯工作，

the revenue it turns over.

創造出的價值。

We'd be right in assuming

我地仲好去認為

that the self is an actual living thing.

黎個自我系個真實存在的東西。

But it's not. It's a projection

不過答案系否定的；黎只系一個投影，

which our clever brains create

一個我們聰明大腦所塑造出的投影

in order to cheat ourselves

用來欺騙我地自己

from the reality of death.

好讓我地無需面對死亡黎個現實。

But there is something

但系有樣嘢

that can give the self

距可以給予自我

ultimate and infinite connection --

終極，無限的聯繫--

and that thing is oneness,

黎個就係合一性，

our essence.

我們的本質。

The self's struggle

自我的鬥爭

for authenticity and definition

為尋找真實性和定義

will never end

系永無休止

unless it's connected to its creator --

除非自我與其創造者一齊--

to you and to me.

同你， 同我。

And that can happen with awareness --

只要真正意識到黎點--

awareness of the reality of oneness

意識到合一性的真實存在

and the projection of self-hood.

與自我其實僅僅系一個投影。

For a start, we can think about

o岩開始的時，我地可以咁唸

all the times when we do lose ourselves.

當我地可以忘我的時。

It happens when I dance,

對我而言，但我跳舞時就會忘掉自己，

when I'm acting.

當我系表演時。

I'm earthed in my essence,

我接近我的本質，

and my self is suspended.

把自我暫停。

In those moments,

系黎段時間內，

I'm connected to everything --

我與萬物相連--

the ground, the air,

大地，空氣，

the sounds, the energy from the audience.

聲音，觀眾中的能量。

All my senses are alert and alive

我所有感官都醒覺充滿活力

in much the same way as an infant might feel --

就好似一個初生嬰兒一樣---

that feeling of oneness.

感覺到合一性。

And when I'm acting a role,

當我表演一個角色的時候，

I inhabit another self,

我居住在另一個自我裡，

and I give it life for awhile,

我在一個段時間裡給予其生命。

because when the self is suspended

因為，當我的自我被暫停後

so is divisiveness

分離與

and judgment.

評判的態度都被暫停。

And I've played everything

我中意表演各種角色

from a vengeful ghost in the time of slavery

從奴隸時代復仇心重嘅鬼魂

to Secretary of State in 2004.

到生活在2004年的國務卿。

And no matter how other

無論別人的自我如何，

these selves might be,

與我有多麼相異，

they're all related in me.

我都可以理解他們。

And I honestly believe

而我真的相信

the key to my success as an actor

成為一位成功演員的關鍵

and my progress as a person

還有我做為一個人進步的原因

has been the very lack of self

就係我缺乏自我

that used to make me feel

即使黎種缺乏在過去令我感到

so anxious and insecure.

無比焦慮， 缺乏安全感。

I always wondered

我時時唸

why I could feel others' pain so deeply,

點解我可以如此深刻感受到他人的痛楚，

why I could recognize

點解我可以睇到

the somebody in the nobody.

無名小卒裡的不平凡靈魂。

It's because I didn't have a self to get in the way.

因為我沒有一個自我來檔路。

I thought I lacked substance,

我本以為我缺乏實在的存在，

and the fact that I could feel others'

還有我能夠感受他人

meant that I had nothing of myself to feel.

系因為我沒有一個自我的感受。

The thing that was a source of shame

在過去缺乏自我令我感到羞愧

was actually a source of enlightenment.

反而依家成為我感悟的源泉。

And when I realized

當我意識到，

and really understood

並清楚知道後

that my self is a projection and that it has a function,

我的自我只是一個投影，黎個自我有自己的功用，

a funny thing happened.

一件有得意嘅事發生。

I stopped giving it so much authority.

我不在給我的自我很多權力。

I give it its due.

我開始對它進行磨練。

I take it to therapy.

我帶我的自我做心理治療。

I've become very familiar

我已經對自我

with its dysfunctional behavior.

不良的行為好熟悉。

But I'm not ashamed of my self.

但我不再對自己感到羞愧。

In fact, I respect my self

事實上， 我開始尊重自己

and its function.

自我運轉的功能。

And over time and with practice,

通過長時間鍛煉，

I've tried to live

我不斷嘗試從我的

more and more from my essence.

本源生活。

And if you can do that,

如果你可以做到黎一點，

incredible things happen.

奇妙的事情就會發生。

I was in Congo in February,

二月份當我系剛果，果陣時，

dancing and celebrating

與自我遭到被無法想像的

with women who've survived

真實毀滅女性

the destruction of their selves

一起跳舞慶祝

in literally unthinkable ways --

系字面上無法形容--

destroyed because other brutalized, psychopathic selves

與其他被摧殘了的扭曲心靈的自我的人們

all over that beautiful land

一起同在黎片美麗的土地

are fueling our selves' addiction

來推動我地自省的意識，抵觸自我上癮

to iPods, Pads, and bling,

對於iPods, iPads同埋其他外表光鮮的事物

which further disconnect ourselves

黎D另我地上癮，令我地中斷接近自己

from ever feeling their pain,

黎D癮另我地更加無法感到他人的痛苦，

their suffering,

他人的磨難，

their death.

他人的存亡/

Because, hey,

因為，

if we're all living in ourselves

如果我地各自活在自我的生活裡，

and mistaking it for life,

還以為咁就係人生，

then we're devaluing

那麼我地正在貶低人生的價值

and desensitizing life.

對一切都不在敏感。

And in that disconnected state,

系咁樣一個隔離狀態，

yeah, we can build factory farms with no windows,

無錯，我地可以建造一個唔需要窗嘅工廠，

destroy marine life

摧毀海洋生命

and use rape as a weapon of war.

用強暴作為戰爭的武器。

So here's a note to self:

所以， 我有一個對於自我的建議：

The cracks have started to show

在我地塑造的鋼筋水泥世界

in our constructed world,

已經呈現裂痕，

and oceans will continue

大海將會不斷的

to surge through the cracks,

沿著裂縫上湧，

and oil and blood,

仲有石油和血，

rivers of it.

將匯流成河。

Crucially, we haven't been figuring out

關鍵就係，我地仲沒搵到

how to live in oneness

怎樣與地球

with the Earth and every other living thing.

以及其他生物合一共存。

We've just been insanely trying to figure out

我地瘋狂地試圖尋找

how to live with each other -- billions of each other.

與其他人共存的方式- 幾十億人類。

Only we're not living with each other;

不過並唔係我地系一起生活，

our crazy selves are living with each other

而我地系瘋狂的自我生活在一起

and perpetuating an epidemic

不斷的蔓延，讓我們無法交匯

of disconnection.

產生溝通疫病。

Let's live with each other

讓我們真正的生活在一起

and take it a breath at a time.

一步一步來，

If we can get under that heavy self,

如果我地可以潛伏在自我之下，

light a torch of awareness,

點燃自省的火炬，

and find our essence,

去尋找我們的根源，

our connection to the infinite

咁我地就可以無限

and every other living thing.

並與萬物產生聯繫的紐帶。

We knew it from the day we were born.

我們從出生之日便知黎個紐帶。

Let's not be freaked out

我們不需要因為

by our bountiful nothingness.

大把的空虛而感到慌張。

It's more a reality

我們生存的狀態就是一個事實

than the ones our selves have created.

僅僅系我們自己創造的。

Imagine what kind of existence we can have

想像下，我們的生存方式會系點樣

if we honor inevitable death of self,

如果我地能夠直面自我不可避免的死亡，

appreciate the privilege of life

珍惜我們可以生存的權利

and marvel at what comes next.

對即將發生的事情保持驚喜之心。

Simple awareness is where it begins.

黎D簡單的意識，就是回歸根本的開始。

Thank you for listening.

感謝你地來聽我的演講。

(Applause)

（掌聲）