Don't suffer from your depression in silence | Nikki Webber Allen

譯者: Marssi Draw 審譯者: Regina Chu

What are you doing on this stage

你站在舞臺上

in front of all these people?

這麼多人面前做什麼？

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Run!

快跑！

(Laughter)

Run now.

（笑聲）

馬上跑。

That's the voice of my anxiety talking.

那是我的焦慮在說話。

Even when there's absolutely nothing wrong,

即使沒出任何差錯，

I sometimes get this overwhelming sense of doom,

有時候這種末日感 還是會向我襲捲而來，

like danger is lurking just around the corner.

就像危險就潛藏在角落。

You see, a few years ago,

幾年前，

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety

我被診斷出廣泛性焦慮

and depression --

和憂鬱症──

two conditions that often go hand in hand.

時常同時出現的兩種病症。

Now, there was a time I wouldn't have told anybody,

有段時間我會瞞著大家，

especially not in front of a big audience.

更不可能跟一大群觀眾說。

As a black woman,

身為黑人女性，

I've had to develop extraordinary resilience to succeed.

我必須培養強大的韌性才能成功。

And like most people in my community,

像我社群裡大多數人一樣，

I had the misconception that depression was a sign of weakness,

我對憂鬱症有種迷思， 覺得那是弱者的象徵，

a character flaw.

是種缺陷。

But I wasn't weak;

但我不是弱者，

I was a high achiever.

我很成功。

I'd earned a Master's degree in Media Studies

我有媒體研究學的碩士學位，

and had a string of high-profile jobs in the film and television industries.

在電影電視工業有一長串傲人經歷。

I'd even won two Emmy Awards for my hard work.

我的作品還拿過兩次艾美獎。

Sure, I was totally spent,

當然，我被榨乾，

I lacked interest in things I used to enjoy,

以前享受其中的事現在都沒興趣，

barely ate,

我吃很少，

struggled with insomnia

受失眠所苦，

and felt isolated and depleted.

覺得孤立、耗竭。

But depressed?

憂鬱症？

No, not me.

我才沒有。

It took weeks before I could admit it,

我花了幾個星期才承認，

but the doctor was right:

不過醫生說的對，

I was depressed.

我很憂鬱。

Still, I didn't tell anybody about my diagnosis.

但我還是沒跟任何人說我有憂鬱症。

I was too ashamed.

我覺得太丟臉了。

I didn't think I had the right to be depressed.

我覺得自己沒有權利生病。

I had a privileged life

我有優越的人生，

with a loving family and a successful career.

家庭美滿，事業有成。

And when I thought about the unspeakable horrors

只要我一想到祖先

曾在這個國家承受過 難以言喻的恐懼，

that my ancestors had been through in this country

so that I could have it better,

讓我有比較好的人生，

my shame grew even deeper.

就讓我更加自慚形穢。

I was standing on their shoulders.

我站在他們的肩膀上，

How could I let them down?

怎能讓他們失望？

I would hold my head up,

我要擡頭挺胸，

put a smile on my face

面帶微笑，

and never tell a soul.

不跟任何人說。

On July 4, 2013,

2013 年 7 月 4 日，

my world came crashing in on me.

發生了一件事，重重打擊了我。

That was the day I got a phone call from my mom

那天我媽打電話跟我說，

telling me that my 22-year-old nephew, Paul, had ended his life,

我 22 歲的姪子保羅自殺了，

after years of battling depression and anxiety.

他辛苦對抗憂鬱症和焦慮好幾年。

There are no words that can describe the devastation I felt.

我的挫折感難以用言語形容。

Paul and I were very close,

保羅和我以前很要好，

but I had no idea he was in so much pain.

但是我完全沒感覺到他這麼痛苦。

Neither one of us had ever talked to the other about our struggles.

我們都沒跟別人說過自己的苦。

The shame and stigma kept us both silent.

羞恥和污名讓我們保持沉默。

Now, my way of dealing with adversity is to face it head on,

我處理困境的方式是直接面對，

so I spent the next two years researching depression and anxiety,

所以我花了兩年研究憂鬱和焦慮，

and what I found was mind-blowing.

我的發現讓我大開眼界。

The World Health Organization reports

世界衛生組織報告顯示

that depression is the leading cause of sickness and disability

憂鬱症是造成全世界 生病和失能的主要因素，

in the world.

While the exact cause of depression isn't clear,

引發憂鬱症的原因不明，

research suggests that most mental disorders develop,

研究指出大多數 引起精神疾病的原因，

at least in part,

至少有部分

because of a chemical imbalance in the brain,

是因為腦部化學物質失衡，

and/or an underlying genetic predisposition.

也有可能來自遺傳。

So you can't just shake it off.

所以你不能拍拍肩膀就甩掉。

For black Americans,

對黑人女性來說，

stressors like racism and socioeconomic disparities

壓力源像是種族歧視、 社經地位不均，

put them at a 20 percent greater risk of developing a mental disorder,

讓她們有多出 20% 的機率 罹患精神疾病，

yet they seek mental health services

然而尋求心理諮詢的比例

at about half the rate of white Americans.

大概只有美國白人的一半。

One reason is the stigma,

原因之一是污名化，

with 63 percent of black Americans mistaking depression for a weakness.

有 63% 黑人女性 誤認憂鬱是軟弱的象徵。

Sadly, the suicide rate among black children

遺憾的是，黑人孩童自殺率

has doubled in the past 20 years.

在過去 20 年間成長了一倍。

Now, here's the good news:

好消息是，

seventy percent of people struggling with depression will improve

70% 憂鬱症患者的情況會好轉，

with therapy, treatment and medication.

只要他們有接受治療和吃藥。

Armed with this information,

有了這項資訊之後，

I made a decision:

我決定

I wasn't going to be silent anymore.

不再保持沉默。

With my family's blessing,

帶著家人的祝福，

I would share our story

我和大家分享我們的故事，

in hopes of sparking a national conversation.

希望能帶動全國討論。

A friend, Kelly Pierre-Louis, said,

我的朋友凱莉．皮耶赫．路易斯說：

"Being strong is killing us."

「當個強者會讓我們沒命。」

She's right.

她說得對。

We have got to retire those tired, old narratives

我們已經厭倦那些陳腔爛調，

of the strong black woman

像是堅強的女黑人，

and the super-masculine black man,

超有男人味的黑人，

who, no matter how many times they get knocked down,

他們不管被打倒幾次，

just shake it off and soldier on.

只要甩開挫敗，就能繼續撐下去。

Having feelings isn't a sign of weakness.

有感覺不代表軟弱。

Feelings mean we're human.

有感覺代表我們是人。

And when we deny our humanity,

一旦我們否認自己是人，

it leaves us feeling empty inside,

就會讓自己感到內心空虛，

searching for ways to self-medicate in order to fill the void.

然後找一些方式 自我療癒來填補空虛。

My drug was high achievement.

我的藥效發揮得很好。

These days, I share my story openly,

這陣子我大方分享我的故事，

and I ask others to share theirs, too.

也請其他人分享自己的故事。

I believe that's what it takes

我相信這可以

to help people who may be suffering in silence

幫助那些沉默受苦的人，

to know that they are not alone

讓他們知道自己不孤單，

and to know that with help,

知道有了幫助，

they can heal.

他們也能痊癒。

Now, I still have my struggles,

我還是有很多痛苦掙扎，

particularly with the anxiety,

有一部分是因為焦慮，

but I'm able to manage it

但是我能夠應付，

through daily mediation, yoga and a relatively healthy diet.

透過每天吃藥、做瑜珈， 和健康一點的飲食。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

If I feel like things are starting to spiral,

如果我開始覺得事事不順，

I make an appointment to see my therapist,

就和我的治療師約診，

a dynamic black woman named Dawn Armstrong,

她是很活躍的黑人女性， 名叫陶恩．阿姆斯壯，

who has a great sense of humor

她很有幽默感，

and a familiarity that I find comforting.

還有種讓我很舒服的熟悉感。

I will always regret

我常後悔

that I couldn't be there for my nephew.

當年自己沒能陪在姪子身旁。

But my sincerest hope

但是我誠摯地盼望，

is that I can inspire others with the lesson that I've learned.

我可以用自己學到的一課 來鼓舞大家。

Life is beautiful.

生命是美好的。

Sometimes it's messy,

有時候有點混亂，

and it's always unpredictable.

而且總是難以預料。

But it will all be OK

但一切都會沒事，

when you have your support system to help you through it.

只要你有自己的支持系統 來幫助自己度過難關。

I hope that if your burden gets too heavy,

如果你的負擔太重，

you'll ask for a hand, too.

我希望你也能尋求協助。

Thank you.

謝謝！

(Applause)

（掌聲）