Why 30 is not the new 20 | Meg Jay

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

Prevodilac: Bojana Aćamović Lektor: Ivana Korom

When I was in my 20s,

Kada mi je bilo 20 i nešto godina,

I saw my very first psychotherapy client.

imala sam svog prvog klijenta na psihoterapiji.

I was a Ph.D. student in clinical psychology at Berkeley.

Bila sam doktorant na kliničkoj psihologiji na Berkliju.

She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex.

Ona je imala 26 godina i zvala se Aleks.

Now Alex walked into her first session wearing jeans and a big slouchy top,

Aleks je došla na svoju prvu sesiju

u farmerkama i širokoj neurednoj majici,

and she dropped onto the couch in my office

sručila se na kauč u mojoj kancelariji,

šutnula svoje ravne cipele

and kicked off her flats

and told me she was there to talk about guy problems.

i rekla mi da je tu da bi pričala o problemima sa momkom.

Now when I heard this, I was so relieved.

Kada sam čula ovo, tako mi je laknulo.

Moja koleginica je dobila piromana za svog prvog klijenta.

My classmate got an arsonist for her first client.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And I got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys.

A ja sam dobila ženu u dvadesetim godinama koja želi da priča o momcima.

This I thought I could handle.

Mislila sam da sa tim mogu da se izborim.

But I didn't handle it.

Ali nisam se izborila.

Uz smešne priče koje bi Aleks pričala na sesijama,

With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session,

meni je bilo lako da samo klimam glavom

it was easy for me just to nod my head

dok smo se nadale da će problem nestati sam od sebe.

while we kicked the can down the road.

"Thirty's the new 20," Alex would say,

"Tridesete su nove dvadesete", govorila bi Aleks,

and as far as I could tell, she was right.

a koliko se meni činilo, bila je u pravu.

Work happened later, marriage happened later,

Posao je dolazio kasnije, brak je dolazio kasnije,

kids happened later, even death happened later.

deca su dolazila kasnije, čak je i smrt dolazila kasnije.

Twentysomethings like Alex and I had nothing but time.

Ljudi u dvadesetim, poput Aleks i mene, imali su vremena na pretek.

But before long, my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her love life.

Ali ubrzo me je moj mentor pritisnuo

da pritisnem Aleks po pitanju njenog ljubavnog života.

I pushed back.

Usprotivila sam se.

I said, "Sure, she's dating down,

Rekla sam: "Naravno, ona izlazi sa lošijim tipom,

she's sleeping with a knucklehead,

spava sa kretenom,

but it's not like she's going to marry the guy."

ali neće se udati za njega."

And then my supervisor said,

A onda je moj mentor rekao:

"Not yet, but she might marry the next one.

"Ne još, ali će se možda udati za onog sledećeg.

Besides, the best time to work on Alex's marriage

Osim toga, najbolje vreme da se poradi na Aleksinom braku

is before she has one."

jeste pre nego što stupi u njega."

That's what psychologists call an "Aha!" moment.

To je ono što psiholozi nazivaju "aha!" doživljaj.

That was the moment I realized, 30 is not the new 20.

To je bio momenat kada sam shvatila da 30 nije novih 20.

Yes, people settle down later than they used to,

Da, ljudi se skrase kasnije nego što su činili nekada,

but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime.

ali to nije značilo da su Aleksine dvadesete zastoj u razvoju.

That made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot,

To je značilo da su Aleksine dvadesete najefikasnija tačka razvoja,

and we were sitting there, blowing it.

a mi smo sedele tamo propuštajući je.

That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglect

Tada sam shvatila da je ovakvo benigno zanemarivanje

was a real problem, and it had real consequences,

stvarni problem i da ima stvarne posledice,

not just for Alex and her love life

ne samo po Aleks i njen ljubavni život

but for the careers and the families and the futures

već i po karijere i porodice i budućnosti

of twentysomethings everywhere.

ljudi od dvadeset i nešto godina svuda na svetu.

There are 50 million twentysomethings in the United States right now.

Postoji 50 miliona ljudi od dvadeset i nešto godina

u Sjedinjenim Državama u ovom trenutku.

We're talking about 15 percent of the population,

Govorimo o 15 procenata populacije

or 100 percent if you consider

ili 100 procenata ako uzmete u obzir

that no one's getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.

da niko ne prolazi kroz odraslo doba,

a da ne prođe prvo kroz svoje dvadesete.

(Laughter)

Raise your hand if you're in your 20s.

Podignite ruku ako ste u dvadesetim.

I really want to see some twentysomethings here.

Zaista želim da vidim ljude od dvadeset i nešto godina ovde.

Oh, yay! You are all awesome.

O, da! Svi ste sjajni.

If you work with twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething,

Ako radite sa ljudima koji su u dvadesetim, volite ljude u tom dobu,

you're losing sleep over twentysomethings, I want to see —

brinete se za njih, želim da vidim -

Okay. Awesome, twentysomethings really matter.

Dobro. Sjajno, ljudi od dvadeset i nešto su stvarno važni.

So, I specialize in twentysomethings because I believe

Meni su specijalnost ljudi u dvadesetim jer verujem

that every single one of those 50 million twentysomethings

da baš svako od tih 50 miliona ljudi u dvadesetim

deserves to know what psychologists,

zaslužuje da zna ono što psiholozi,

sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists

sociolozi, neurolozi i stručnjaci za plodnost

already know:

već znaju:

that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest,

preuzimanje kontrole nad svojim dvadesetim je jedna od najlakših stvari,

yet most transformative, things you can do

koja opet donosi najveću promenu, a koje možete da uradite

for work, for love, for your happiness,

za posao, za ljubav, za svoju sreću,

maybe even for the world.

možda čak i za svet.

This is not my opinion.

To nije moje mišljenje. To su činjenice.

These are the facts.

We know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments

Znamo da se 80 procenata najpresudnijih trenutaka u životu

take place by age 35.

događa do 35 godine života.

That means that eight out of 10

To znači da će se osam od 10 odluka

i iskustava i "aha" doživljaja

of the decisions and experiences and "Aha!" moments

that make your life what it is

koji čine vaš život onim što jeste

will have happened by your mid-30s.

dogoditi do sredine vaših tridesetih.

People who are over 40, don't panic.

Vi što imate preko 40, ne paničite.

This crowd is going to be fine, I think.

Ova grupa će biti dobro, čini mi se.

We know that the first 10 years of a career

Znamo da prvih 10 godina karijere

has an exponential impact on how much money you're going to earn.

ima eksponencijalni uticaj

na to koliko ćete novca zarađivati.

We know that more than half of Americans

Znamo da se više od polovine Amerikanaca

are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30.

venčava ili živi ili se zabavlja

sa svojim budućim partnerom do 30.

We know that the brain caps off

Znamo da mozak završava svoj drugi

its second and last growth spurt in your 20s

i poslednji zamah rasta tokom dvadesetih

as it rewires itself for adulthood,

kada se preinstalira za odraslo doba,

which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself,

što znači da šta god da želite da promenite kod sebe,

now is the time to change it.

sada je vreme da to učinite.

We know that personality changes more during your 20s

Znamo da se ličnost menja tokom dvadesetih godina

than at any other time in life,

više nego u bilo kom drugom periodu u životu,

and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28,

i znamo da ženska plodnost dostiže vrhunac u 28. godini,

and things get tricky after age 35.

i da stvari postaju komplikovane posle 35.

So your 20s are the time to educate yourself

Dakle vaše dvadesete su vreme kada bi trebalo da se informišete

about your body and your options.

o svom telu i svojim opcijama.

So when we think about child development,

Kada razmišljamo o razvoju deteta,

we all know that the first five years are a critical period

svi znamo da je prvih pet godina ključni period

for language and attachment in the brain.

za jezik i vezanost u mozgu.

It's a time when your ordinary, day-to-day life

To je doba kada vaš uobičajeni svakodnevni život

ima prekomeran uticaj na to šta ćete postati.

has an inordinate impact on who you will become.

Ali ono o čemu manje čujemo jeste to da postoji

But what we hear less about is that there's such a thing

as adult development,

i razvoj odraslih i naše dvadesete

and our 20s are that critical period of adult development.

su ključni period u razvoju odrasle osobe.

But this isn't what twentysomethings are hearing.

Ali to nije ono što dvadesetogodišnjaci čuju.

Newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood.

Novine govore o promenama u rasporedu odraslog doba.

Researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence.

Istraživači dvadesete godine nazivaju produženom adolescencijom.

Journalists coin silly nicknames for twentysomethings

Novinari kuju blesave nadimke za ljude u dvadesetim

like "twixters" and "kidults."

kao "odrasla deca".

(Laughing) It's true!

Istina je.

As a culture, we have trivialized

Kao kultura, mi smo trivijalizovali ono što je zapravo

what is actually the defining decade of adulthood.

presudna decenija odraslog doba.

Leonard Bernstein said that to achieve great things,

Lenard Bernštajn je rekao da je za postizanje velikih stvari

you need a plan and not quite enough time.

potreban plan i ne sasvim dovoljno vremena.

(Laughing) Isn't that true?

Nije li to tačno?

So what do you think happens

Pa šta mislite da se događa

when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say,

kada pogladite osobu od dvadesetak godina po glavi i kažete:

"You have 10 extra years to start your life"?

"Imaš još 10 dodatnih godina da započneš svoj život"?

Ništa se ne događa.

Nothing happens.

You have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition,

Ukrali ste toj osobi neodložnost i ambiciju,

and absolutely nothing happens.

i apsolutno ništa se ne događa.

And then every day, smart, interesting twentysomethings

A onda svakog dana, pametni, zanimljivi ljudi od dvadeset i nešto,

like you or like your sons and daughters

poput vas ili poput vaših sinova i kćerki

dolaze u moju kancelariju i govore ovakve stvari:

come into my office and say things like this:

"I know my boyfriend's no good for me,

"Znam da moj dečko nije za mene,

but this relationship doesn't count. I'm just killing time."

ali ova veza se ne računa. Ja samo ubijam vreme."

Or they say, "Everybody says as long as I get started

Ili kažu: "Svi kažu da ukoliko započnem

on a career by the time I'm 30, I'll be fine."

karijeru pre nego što napunim 30, biću dobro."

But then it starts to sound like this:

Ali onda to počinje da zvuči ovako:

"My 20s are almost over, and I have nothing to show for myself.

"Dvadesete su mi se skoro završile, a ja nemam ništa svoje da prikažem.

I had a better résumé the day after I graduated from college."

Imala sam bolji CV dan pošto sam diplomirala."

And then it starts to sound like this:

A onda počinje da zvuči ovako:

"Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs.

"Zabavljanje u dvadesetim bilo je kao igra muzičkih stolica.

Everybody was running around and having fun,

Svi su trčali unaokolo i provodili se,

but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off

ali onda negde oko 30. kao da je muzika isključena

and everybody started sitting down.

i svi su posedali.

I didn't want to be the only one left standing up,

Nisam želela da budem jedina koja je ostala da stoji,

so sometimes I think I married my husband

pa ponekad mislim da sam se udala za svog muža

because he was the closest chair to me at 30."

jer mi je bio najbliža stolica kad mi je bilo 30."

Where are the twentysomethings here?

Gde su ovde ljudi od dvadeset i nešto?

Do not do that.

Nemojte to da radite.

(Laughter)

Okay, now that sounds a little flip, but make no mistake,

Dobro, sada to zvuči pomalo otresito, ali verujte mi,

the stakes are very high.

ulozi su veoma visoki.

When a lot has been pushed to your 30s,

Kada vam je dosta toga nagurano u tridesete,

there is enormous thirtysomething pressure

tu je ogroman pritisak tridesetih godina

to jump-start a career, pick a city, partner up,

da pogurate karijeru, izaberete grad, partnera,

and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time.

i da rodite dvoje ili troje dece za mnogo kraći vremenski period.

Many of these things are incompatible,

Mnoge ove stvari su nekompatibilne,

and as research is just starting to show,

i kako istraživanje upravo počinje da pokazuje,

simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.

jednostavno ih je teže i stresnije ostvariti

odjednom tokom tridesetih.

The post-millennial midlife crisis isn't buying a red sports car.

Postmilenijumska kriza srednjih godina

nije kupovina crvenog sportskog auta.

It's realizing you can't have that career you now want.

To je shvatanje da ne možete da imate tu karijeru koju sada želite.

It's realizing you can't have that child you now want,

To je shvatanje da ne možete da imate to dete koje sada želite,

or you can't give your child a sibling.

ili ne možete svom detetu da podarite brata ili sestru.

Too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings

Previše ljudi u tridesetim i četrdesetim

look at themselves, and at me, sitting across the room,

gledaju sebe, i mene, dok sede na drugom kraju sobe,

and say about their 20s,

i kažu za svoje dvadesete:

"What was I doing? What was I thinking?"

"Šta sam radio? O čemu sam razmišljao?"

I want to change what twentysomethings are doing and thinking.

Ja želim da promenim ono što ljudi u dvadesetim

rade i misle.

Here's a story about how that can go.

Ovo je priča o tome kako se to može izvesti.

It's a story about a woman named Emma.

To je priča o ženi po imenu Ema.

At 25, Emma came to my office

Sa 25 godina, Ema je došla u moju kancelariju

because she was, in her words, having an identity crisis.

jer je, po njenim rečima, imala krizu identiteta.

She said she thought she might like to work in art or entertainment,

Rekla je da misli da bi možda volela da radi u umetnosti

ili zabavi, ali još nije odlučila,

but she hadn't decided yet,

so she'd spent the last few years waiting tables instead.

pa je provela poslednjih nekoliko godina radeći kao konobarica.

Pošto je tako jeftinije, živela je sa dečkom

Because it was cheaper, she lived with a boyfriend

koji je pokazivao svoju narav više nego ambiciju.

who displayed his temper more than his ambition.

And as hard as her 20s were,

Koliko god da su njene dvadesete bile teške,

her early life had been even harder.

njen rani život bio je još teži.

She often cried in our sessions,

Često je plakala na našim sesijama,

but then would collect herself by saying,

ali onda bi se sabrala govoreći:

"You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends."

"Ne možeš izabrati porodicu, ali možeš izabrati prijatelje."

Well one day, Emma comes in and she hangs her head in her lap,

Jednog dana, Ema ulazi

i obara glavu u krilo,

and she sobbed for most of the hour.

i jeca veći deo tih sat vremena.

She'd just bought a new address book,

Upravo je kupila novi adresar,

and she'd spent the morning filling in her many contacts,

i provela je jutro upisujući svoje brojne kontakte,

but then she'd been left staring at that empty blank

ali onda je ostala zagledana u to prazno polje

that comes after the words

koje dolazi posle reči

"In case of emergency, please call ..."

"U hitnom slučaju, molim pozovite..."

She was nearly hysterical when she looked at me and said,

Bila je skoro histerična kada me je pogledala i rekla:

"Who's going to be there for me if I get in a car wreck?

"Ko će biti pored mene ako doživim saobraćajnu nesreću?

Who's going to take care of me if I have cancer?"

Ko će se brinuti o meni ako dobijem rak?"

Now in that moment, it took everything I had

U tom trenutku, dala sam sve od sebe

not to say, "I will."

da ne kažem: "Ja ću."

But what Emma needed wasn't some therapist who really, really cared.

Ali Emi nije bio potreban neki terapeut

kome je zaista, zaista stalo.

Emma needed a better life, and I knew this was her chance.

Emi je bio potreban bolji život, a ja sam znala da je ovo njena šansa.

I had learned too much since I first worked with Alex

Naučila sam i suviše mnogo od kad sam prvi put radila sa Aleks

to just sit there while Emma's defining decade

da bih samo sedela tamo dok Emina ključna decenija

lagano promiče.

went parading by.

So over the next weeks and months,

Tako da sam narednih nedelja i meseci,

I told Emma three things

govorila Emi

tri stvari koje svako u dvadesetim, bio muškarac ili žena,

that every twentysomething, male or female,

deserves to hear.

zaslužuje da čuje.

First, I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisis

Prvo, rekla sam Emi da zaboravi na krizu identiteta

and get some identity capital.

i da stekne nešto kapitala identiteta.

By "get identity capital,"

Pod sticanjem kapitala identiteta mislim da uradite nešto

I mean do something that adds value to who you are.

što dodaje vrednost na ono ko ste.

Do something that's an investment

Uradite nešto što je investicija

in who you might want to be next.

u ono što biste možda hteli da budete u budućnosti.

I didn't know the future of Emma's career,

Ja nisam znala budućnost Emine karijere,

and no one knows the future of work,

i niko ne zna budućnost posla, ali ja znam ovo:

but I do know this:

Identity capital begets identity capital.

kapital identiteta rađa kapital identiteta.

So now is the time for that cross-country job,

Dakle sada je vreme za taj posao na drugom kraju države,

that internship, that startup you want to try.

za tu praksu, tu "start-ap" firmu koju bi da isprobaš.

I'm not discounting twentysomething exploration here,

Ovde ne isključujem istraživanje ljudi u dvadesetim,

but I am discounting exploration that's not supposed to count,

ali isključujem istraživanje koje ne treba da se računa,

which, by the way, is not exploration.

što, usput, i nije istraživanje.

That's procrastination.

To je odugovlačenje.

I told Emma to explore work and make it count.

Rekla sam Emi da istraži poslove i da to učini vrednim.

Second, I told Emma that the urban tribe is overrated.

Drugo, rekla sam Emi da je urbano pleme precenjeno.

Best friends are great for giving rides to the airport,

Najbolji prijatelji su sjajni za vožnju do aerodroma,

but twentysomethings who huddle together with like-minded peers

ali ljudi u dvadesetim koji se grupišu

sa vršnjacima istih stavova ograničeni su po tome koga znaju,

limit who they know,

šta znaju, kako razmišljaju, kako pričaju,

what they know, how they think,

how they speak, and where they work.

i gde rade.

That new piece of capital, that new person to date

Taj novi delić kapitala, ta nova osoba s kojom ćeš se zabavljati

almost always comes from outside the inner circle.

skoro uvek dolazi izvan unutrašnjeg kruga.

New things come from what are called our weak ties,

Nove stvari proističu iz onoga što zovemo našim slabim vezama,

our friends of friends of friends.

prijateljima prijatelja naših prijatelja.

So yes, half of twentysomethings are un- or under-employed.

Tačno, polovina ljudi u dvadesetim je nezaposlena ili zaposlena ispod svog stručnog nivoa.

But half aren't,

Ali polovina nije, a slabe veze

and weak ties are how you get yourself into that group.

su način na koji ulaziš u tu grupu.

Half of new jobs are never posted,

Polovina novih poslova se nikada ne objavljuje,

so reaching out to your neighbor's boss is how you get that unposted job.

tako da je kontaktiranje komšijinog šefa

način na koji dobijate taj neobjavljeni posao.

It's not cheating. It's the science of how information spreads.

To nije varanje. To je nauka o tome kako se informacija širi.

Last but not least, Emma believed

Na kraju, ali ne manje važno, Ema je verovala

that you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends.

da ne možeš da izabereš porodicu, ali možeš da izabereš prijatelje.

Ovo je bilo tačno u slučaju njenog odrastanja,

Now this was true for her growing up,

but as a twentysomething, soon Emma would pick her family

ali kao osoba u dvadesetim, Ema će ubrzo izabrati svoju porodicu

when she partnered with someone and created a family of her own.

kada pronađe partnera

i stvori svoju porodicu.

I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now.

Rekla sam Emi da je vreme da počne da bira svoju porodicu sada.

Now you may be thinking that 30 is actually a better time to settle down

Možda mislite da je 30 godina

zapravo bolje vreme za ulaženje u brak

than 20, or even 25,

nego 20 ili čak 25,

and I agree with you.

i ja se slažem sa vama.

But grabbing whoever you're living with or sleeping with

Ali zgrabiti onoga s kim živite ili spavate

when everyone on Facebook starts walking down the aisle

kada svi na fejsbuku počnu da se venčavaju,

is not progress.

nije napredak.

The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one,

Najbolje vreme za rad na braku

jeste pre nego što stupite u njega,

and that means being as intentional with love

a to znači delovati s namerom u slučaju ljubavi

as you are with work.

podjednako kao i u slučaju sa poslom.

Picking your family is about consciously choosing

Kod biranja porodice treba svesno odabrati

who and what you want

koga i šta želite,

rather than just making it work or killing time

a ne samo pokušavati ili ubijati vreme

sa bilo kim ko se zadesi da izabere vas.

with whoever happens to be choosing you.

So what happened to Emma?

Dakle šta se dogodilo Emi?

Well, we went through that address book,

Pa, pregledali smo taj adresar,

i pronašla je rođaka svoje stare cimerke

and she found an old roommate's cousin

koji radi u jednom umetničkom muzeju u drugoj saveznoj državi.

who worked at an art museum in another state.

That weak tie helped her get a job there.

Ta slaba veza joj je pomogla da dobije posao tamo.

That job offer gave her the reason to leave that live-in boyfriend.

Ta poslovna ponuda joj je dala razlog

da ostavi tog dečka sa kojim je živela.

Now, five years later, she's a special events planner for museums.

Sada, pet godina kasnije, ona radi kao planer posebnih događaja za muzeje.

Udata je za čoveka koga je svesno izabrala.

She's married to a man she mindfully chose.

She loves her new career, she loves her new family,

Obožava svoju novu karijeru, obožava svoju novu porodicu,

and she sent me a card that said,

i poslala mi je razglednicu na kojoj je napisala:

"Now the emergency contact blanks

"Sada praznine za kontakte u hitnim slučajevima

don't seem big enough."

izgledaju nedovoljno velike."

Now Emma's story made that sound easy,

Po Eminoj priči to zvuči lako,

but that's what I love about working with twentysomethings.

ali to je ono što ja volim kod rada sa ljudima u dvadesetim.

They are so easy to help.

Njima je tako lako pomoći.

Twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving LAX,

Ljudi u dvadesetim su kao avioni koji upravo poleću iz Los Anđelesa,

bound for somewhere west.

usmereni negde ka zapadu.

Right after takeoff, a slight change in course

Odmah nakon poletanja, mala promena u kursu

is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji.

predstavlja razliku između sletanja na Aljasci ili Fidžiju.

Likewise, at 21 or 25 or even 29,

Isto tako, sa 21 ili 25 ili čak 29 godina,

one good conversation, one good break,

jedan dobar razgovor, jedna dobra šansa,

one good TED Talk, can have an enormous effect

jedan dobar TED govor, može imati ogroman efekat

across years and even generations to come.

za više budućih godina i čak generacija.

So here's an idea worth spreading

Dakle ovo je ideja koju vredi preneti

to every twentysomething you know.

svakoj osobi u dvadesetim koju poznajete.

Jednostavna je kao i ono što sam naučila da kažem Aleks.

It's as simple as what I learned to say to Alex.

It's what I now have the privilege

To je ono što sada imam privilegiju

da svaki dan kažem ljudima u dvadesetim kao što je Ema:

of saying to twentysomethings like Emma every single day:

Thirty is not the new 20, so claim your adulthood,

tridesete nisu nove dvadesete, preuzmite kontrolu nad svojim odraslim dobom,

get some identity capital, use your weak ties,

nabavite neki kapital identiteta, upotrebite svoje slabe veze,

pick your family.

odaberite svoju porodicu.

Don't be defined by what you didn't know

Nemojte da vas definiše ono što niste znali

or didn't do.

ili niste uradili.

You're deciding your life right now.

Vi odlučujete o svom životu upravo sada.

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)