Why 30 is not the new 20 | Meg Jay

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

翻译人员: Jacob Zhang 校对人员: 盧 曉天

When I was in my 20s,

当我20几岁时，

I saw my very first psychotherapy client.

我见到了我的第一个需要精神疗法的病人。

I was a Ph.D. student in clinical psychology at Berkeley.

当时我是一个在伯克利大学 读临床心理学的Ph.D学生。

她是一位叫Alex的26岁女性。

She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex.

Now Alex walked into her first session wearing jeans and a big slouchy top,

第一次会面时Alex穿了

牛仔裤以及略微不修边幅的上衣，

and she dropped onto the couch in my office

进来后直接坐到我办公室中的沙发上，

and kicked off her flats

踢掉她的鞋子，

and told me she was there to talk about guy problems.

然后跟我说她是来跟我讲男性问题的。

Now when I heard this, I was so relieved.

当我听到这个时，我松了一口气。

我的一个同学的第一个病人是一个纵火犯。

My classmate got an arsonist for her first client.

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And I got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys.

所以说，我有一个二十几岁的人 想跟我谈谈男生。

This I thought I could handle.

我以为我能处理好这事。

But I didn't handle it.

但我没能办到。

With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session,

Alex在每一次会面时 都会带来好笑的故事，

因此对我而言点点头，

it was easy for me just to nod my head

不断拖延出结果的时间是一件非常轻松的事情。

while we kicked the can down the road.

"Thirty's the new 20," Alex would say,

Alex会说“三十就是新的二十”，

and as far as I could tell, she was right.

而且就我知道的，她是对的。

Work happened later, marriage happened later,

工作要以后才有，结婚以后才有，

kids happened later, even death happened later.

孩子以后才有，连死亡都是以后才有。

Twentysomethings like Alex and I had nothing but time.

像Alex和我一样是二十几岁的人除了时间外一无所有。

But before long, my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her love life.

但没过多久，我的监督就催我

开始推动Alex的爱情生活。

I pushed back.

我拒绝了。

我说：“没错，她现在在约会，

I said, "Sure, she's dating down,

she's sleeping with a knucklehead,

她和一个笨蛋同床，

but it's not like she's going to marry the guy."

但这并不表示她会和他结婚。”

And then my supervisor said,

然后我的监督说：

"Not yet, but she might marry the next one.

“现在还没，但她可能会和下一个这样的人结婚。

Besides, the best time to work on Alex's marriage

再说，在Alex的婚事上花费精力的最好时间

is before she has one."

就是在她结婚之前。”

That's what psychologists call an "Aha!" moment.

这就是心理学家们所说的“原来如此！”瞬间。

That was the moment I realized, 30 is not the new 20.

在那一瞬间，我明白了三十岁并不是新的二十岁。

Yes, people settle down later than they used to,

没错，人们比以前更晚安顿下来，

but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime.

但这并不说明Alex的二十几岁这个时间段是她的发展低谷。

That made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot,

这使Alex的二十几岁一个发展的良好时期，

and we were sitting there, blowing it.

而我们就坐在那儿荒废它。

That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglect

这时我才明白这种“善意的疏忽”

was a real problem, and it had real consequences,

是一个非常现实的问题，而且它有严重的后果，

not just for Alex and her love life

不仅是对于Alex和她的爱情生活

but for the careers and the families and the futures

也对于各地的二十几岁的人的

of twentysomethings everywhere.

家庭与未来。

There are 50 million twentysomethings in the United States right now.

现在美国有大约5千万

二十几岁的人。

We're talking about 15 percent of the population,

这大概是总人口的15%，

or 100 percent if you consider

或者说100%如果你考虑到

that no one's getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.

没人能在不经历二十几岁这个阶段的情况下

经过成人期。

(Laughter)

Raise your hand if you're in your 20s.

如果你是二十几岁的话举一下手。

I really want to see some twentysomethings here.

我非常想在这儿看到一些二十几岁的人。

太好了！你们都棒极了。

Oh, yay! You are all awesome.

If you work with twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething,

如果你和二十几岁的人工作，如果你爱一个二十几岁的人，

you're losing sleep over twentysomethings, I want to see —

如果你因为二十几岁的人而失眠，我就想看到—

Okay. Awesome, twentysomethings really matter.

好的。棒极了，二十几岁的人非常重要。

我专门研究二十几岁的人，因为我相信

So, I specialize in twentysomethings because I believe

that every single one of those 50 million twentysomethings

这5千万个二十几岁的人中每一个

deserves to know what psychologists,

都应该知道每一个心理学家，

sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists

社会学家，神经学家以及生育专家

already know:

都知道的：

that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest,

那就是把握你的二十岁这一个阶段是最简单的，

yet most transformative, things you can do

但又是最有影响力的你能为

for work, for love, for your happiness,

你的职业，爱情，幸福，

maybe even for the world.

甚至是全世界做的事。

This is not my opinion.

这不是我的观点。这是事实。

These are the facts.

We know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments

我们知道一个人的一生中的80%的最重要的时刻

take place by age 35.

发生在35岁。

That means that eight out of 10

这就意味着每10个

of the decisions and experiences and "Aha!" moments

决定你的生命会是什么样的

that make your life what it is

的经历与“原来如此！”时刻

will have happened by your mid-30s.

中有8个发生在三十岁中旬。

People who are over 40, don't panic.

超过40岁的人，别慌。

This crowd is going to be fine, I think.

我估计这个观众没问题。

We know that the first 10 years of a career

我们知道一份职业中的前10年

has an exponential impact on how much money you're going to earn.

对于你将会挣多少钱

有非常大的影响。

We know that more than half of Americans

我们知道超过一半的美国人

are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30.

30岁之前就和终生伴侣结婚，

同居，或者在约会。

We know that the brain caps off

我们知道大脑在你二十几岁时

its second and last growth spurt in your 20s

为了适应成人期

as it rewires itself for adulthood,

达到第二次也是最后一次成长期的高峰，

which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself,

这说明无论你想改变你自己的什么，

now is the time to change it.

现在就是改变它的时间。

We know that personality changes more during your 20s

我们知道相比人生其他阶段

than at any other time in life,

二十岁时的个性变化最大，

and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28,

而且我们也知道女性的繁殖能力在28岁时达到峰顶，

and things get tricky after age 35.

到35岁之后事情就有点难办了。

因此你的二十几岁这个时间段就是

So your 20s are the time to educate yourself

about your body and your options.

告诉自己自己的身体状况以及未来的选择的时候。

So when we think about child development,

因此当我们说到儿童发展，

we all know that the first five years are a critical period

我们都知道前5年是大脑发展

for language and attachment in the brain.

语言和爱慕的关键时期。

It's a time when your ordinary, day-to-day life

这是一个你的每日生活都会对你的未来

has an inordinate impact on who you will become.

产生巨大影响的时间段。

但是我们听到的比较少的就是有一个东西叫

But what we hear less about is that there's such a thing

as adult development,

成人发展，而我们的二十岁这个阶段

and our 20s are that critical period of adult development.

就是成人发展的关键时期。

But this isn't what twentysomethings are hearing.

但这并不是二十几岁的人所听到的。

Newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood.

报纸在描述成人的时间表的变更，

Researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence.

研究人员把二十几岁叫做延长的青春期。

Journalists coin silly nicknames for twentysomethings

新闻记者在给二十几岁的人附加愚蠢的外号，

like "twixters" and "kidults."

比如“中间者”和“成年儿童”。

(Laughing) It's true!

这是真的。

As a culture, we have trivialized

作为一种文化，我们把实际上是成人期中最重要的一个十年

what is actually the defining decade of adulthood.

列为不重要的东西。

Leonard Bernstein said that to achieve great things,

伦纳德 伯恩斯坦说过如果想办成大事，

you need a plan and not quite enough time.

就需要一个计划和不足够的时间。

(Laughing) Isn't that true?

这不对吗？

So what do you think happens

所以说当你

when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say,

拍一个二十几岁的人的头然后说：

"You have 10 extra years to start your life"?

“你还有额外的十年才开始生活”时你认为会发生什么？

什么也不会发生。

Nothing happens.

你剥夺了那个人的紧迫感以及志向，

You have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition,

and absolutely nothing happens.

但是什么都没发生。

And then every day, smart, interesting twentysomethings

然后每天就有像你们的儿子或者女儿一样

like you or like your sons and daughters

既聪明又有趣的二十几岁的人

come into my office and say things like this:

跑到我的办公室跟我说

"I know my boyfriend's no good for me,

“我知道我的男朋友对我一点好处都没有，

but this relationship doesn't count. I'm just killing time."

但这段感情不算数。我只是在消耗时间。”

Or they say, "Everybody says as long as I get started

或者是“大家都说只要我在30岁之前

on a career by the time I'm 30, I'll be fine."

开始我的职业就没问题。”这一类的话。

But then it starts to sound like this:

但后来他们就开始讲：

"My 20s are almost over, and I have nothing to show for myself.

“我的二十岁快结束了，但我没什么可以展现的。

I had a better résumé the day after I graduated from college."

我毕业那天最好写写自己的简历。”

And then it starts to sound like this:

之后他们开始讲：

"Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs.

“二十几岁时的约会就像玩抢座位游戏。

Everybody was running around and having fun,

大家跑来跑去，乐在其中，

but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off

但到30岁左右音乐就停掉了，

and everybody started sitting down.

大家一个接一个开始坐下。

I didn't want to be the only one left standing up,

我不想成为唯一一个站着的人，

so sometimes I think I married my husband

因此有时候我觉得我和我丈夫结婚的原因

because he was the closest chair to me at 30."

就是因为在我30岁时他是距我最近的‘椅子’。”

Where are the twentysomethings here?

这里的二十几岁的人在哪儿？

Do not do that.

别做这种事。

(Laughter)

Okay, now that sounds a little flip, but make no mistake,

好吧，刚才那听起来可能有一点轻浮，但是别搞错，

the stakes are very high.

在这里筹码非常高。

当很多事情被推到三十几岁再做时，

When a lot has been pushed to your 30s,

there is enormous thirtysomething pressure

在你的三十岁这个阶段就有在极短的时间内

to jump-start a career, pick a city, partner up,

开始一个职业，挑选一个城市，找到一个伴侣

and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time.

并且生几个孩子的巨大压力。

Many of these things are incompatible,

这些事情中有很多是不兼容的，

and as research is just starting to show,

而且就如研究开始表明，

simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.

在三十几岁这个阶段同时完成这么多事

的压力以及难度实在是太大了。

The post-millennial midlife crisis isn't buying a red sports car.

上个千年之后的中年危机

不在于能否买一辆红色的敞篷车。

It's realizing you can't have that career you now want.

是在于发现自己的职业不是自己想要的。

It's realizing you can't have that child you now want,

是在于发现你无法生你想要的孩子，

or you can't give your child a sibling.

或者无法给自己的孩子一个同胞。

Too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings

有太多太多的三十几岁的人和四十几岁的人

look at themselves, and at me, sitting across the room,

先看看自己，然后看看坐在房间另一边的我，

and say about their 20s,

然后讨论他们的二十几岁这个时间段。

"What was I doing? What was I thinking?"

“我当时在做什么？我当时在想什么？”

I want to change what twentysomethings are doing and thinking.

我想改变二十几岁的人

的所做与所思。

Here's a story about how that can go.

我来讲一个关于如何这么做的故事。

It's a story about a woman named Emma.

这是一个关于一位叫Emma的女性的故事。

At 25, Emma came to my office

25岁时，Emma来到我的办公室

because she was, in her words, having an identity crisis.

因为她，用她的话来讲，正在经历一个身份危机。

她说她认为她想从事艺术

She said she thought she might like to work in art or entertainment,

或者娱乐，但她还没决定，

but she hadn't decided yet,

so she'd spent the last few years waiting tables instead.

所以前几年她花在做服务员上了。

因为比较便宜，她和她那

Because it was cheaper, she lived with a boyfriend

who displayed his temper more than his ambition.

展现脾气比志向更频繁的男朋友住在一起。

And as hard as her 20s were,

而无论她的二十几岁有多么困难，

her early life had been even harder.

她以前的生活更困难。

她在会面时经常哭，

She often cried in our sessions,

but then would collect herself by saying,

但会说“你无法选择你的家庭，但是你能选择你的朋友。”

"You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends."

然后平定下来。

Well one day, Emma comes in and she hangs her head in her lap,

有一天，Emma走进来，

把头放在膝盖上，

and she sobbed for most of the hour.

然后哭了近一个小时。

She'd just bought a new address book,

她刚买了一个新的地址薄，

and she'd spent the morning filling in her many contacts,

然后她花了一个上午填她的联系人，

but then she'd been left staring at that empty blank

但是她只能呆呆的看着

that comes after the words

“在紧急情况下，请拨打..."

"In case of emergency, please call ..."

这一串字后面的空白。

She was nearly hysterical when she looked at me and said,

她近歇斯底里的看着我并说：

"Who's going to be there for me if I get in a car wreck?

“如果我出车祸了谁会照顾我？

Who's going to take care of me if I have cancer?"

如果我的癌症了谁会照顾我？”

Now in that moment, it took everything I had

当时，我花了很大力气

not to say, "I will."

才避免说“我会”。

但Emma需要的并不是一位非常非常关心

But what Emma needed wasn't some therapist who really, really cared.

她的治疗师。

Emma needed a better life, and I knew this was her chance.

Emma需要一个更好的生活，而且我知道这是她的机会。

I had learned too much since I first worked with Alex

自从我在Alex身上下功夫后我学到了很多，

to just sit there while Emma's defining decade

所以我不会让Emma那具有决定作用的十年

就这么流逝掉。

went parading by.

So over the next weeks and months,

所以在接下来的几周和几个月中，

I told Emma three things

我告诉了Emma

三个每个二十几岁的人，不论男女，

that every twentysomething, male or female,

deserves to hear.

都应该听到东西。

First, I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisis

首先，我告诉Emma忘了她的身份危机

and get some identity capital.

然后开始积累身份资本。

By "get identity capital,"

我所说的“积累身份资本”就是指

I mean do something that adds value to who you are.

为你自己增加价值。

Do something that's an investment

做一项对你接下来想是什么样子的

in who you might want to be next.

的投资。

I didn't know the future of Emma's career,

我当时不知道Emma的职业的未来，

and no one knows the future of work,

而且没人知道自己的工作的未来，但是我知道这些：

but I do know this:

Identity capital begets identity capital.

身份资本会招来更多的身份资本。

So now is the time for that cross-country job,

这是接受那份跨国职业，

that internship, that startup you want to try.

那份实习和你想试试的那个起步的时候。

I'm not discounting twentysomething exploration here,

我不是在漠视二十几岁的人的探索，

but I am discounting exploration that's not supposed to count,

但是我在漠视毫无意义的探索，

而且那些按道理来讲不能叫探索。

which, by the way, is not exploration.

That's procrastination.

那叫拖延时间。

I told Emma to explore work and make it count.

我叫Emma试验各种工作而且让它们算数。

Second, I told Emma that the urban tribe is overrated.

其次，我告诉Emma城市部落被高估了。

Best friends are great for giving rides to the airport,

找好朋友来搭车至机场很棒，

but twentysomethings who huddle together with like-minded peers

但二十几岁的人若和思维方式

相似的同龄人聚在一起，他们所知道的人，

limit who they know,

他们所知道的事，他们的思维方式，他们的讲话方式

what they know, how they think,

how they speak, and where they work.

以及他们的工作地点就会受到限制。

That new piece of capital, that new person to date

那个新的资本，那个新的可以约出去的人

almost always comes from outside the inner circle.

几乎总是从内部圈子之外来的。

New things come from what are called our weak ties,

新的事物从我们所谓的微弱的联系中来，

our friends of friends of friends.

比如我们的朋友的朋友的朋友。

So yes, half of twentysomethings are un- or under-employed.

是的，大概有一半的二十几岁的人未就业或者未充分就业。

But half aren't,

但有一半不是这样的，而微弱的联系

and weak ties are how you get yourself into that group.

就是把你自己加入那一个团体的方式。

Half of new jobs are never posted,

有一半的新职位不会被张贴出来，

so reaching out to your neighbor's boss is how you get that unposted job.

而联系到你的邻居的老板

就是你拿到那份未被张贴的工作的方法。

It's not cheating. It's the science of how information spreads.

这不是作弊。这是关于信息如何传递的科学。

Last but not least, Emma believed

最后，Emma相信

that you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends.

一个人不能选择家庭，但可以选择朋友。

Now this was true for her growing up,

在她的成长过程中这是没错的，

but as a twentysomething, soon Emma would pick her family

但作为一个二十几岁的人，很快Emma就要通过

和某人结伴，创造一个家庭

when she partnered with someone and created a family of her own.

来选择她自己的家庭。

我告诉Emma选择家庭的时间就是现在。

I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now.

Now you may be thinking that 30 is actually a better time to settle down

你可能会认为30岁是一个

比20岁，甚至是25岁更好的

than 20, or even 25,

安定下来的时间，

and I agree with you.

而且我也同意。

But grabbing whoever you're living with or sleeping with

但当你在别的人开始进入结婚礼堂时

when everyone on Facebook starts walking down the aisle

抓紧和你同居或睡觉的人

is not progress.

不叫进步。

The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one,

在婚事上下功夫的最好时间

就是结婚之前，

and that means being as intentional with love

意思就是对待爱情就要像对待工作一样

as you are with work.

富有意识。

Picking your family is about consciously choosing

选择家庭就是有意识的选择

who and what you want

你想要的人和物

rather than just making it work or killing time

而不是单单想让事情成功或者和

选择你的那个人浪费时间。

with whoever happens to be choosing you.

So what happened to Emma?

那Emma后来怎么样了？

嗯，我们翻了翻那个地址薄，

Well, we went through that address book,

然后她发现她的一个老室友的一位亲人

and she found an old roommate's cousin

who worked at an art museum in another state.

在另一个州的一个艺术博物馆工作。

That weak tie helped her get a job there.

那个微弱的联系帮她在那里找到一份工作。

That job offer gave her the reason to leave that live-in boyfriend.

那份工作给她一个

离开她的同居男友的理由。

现在，5年过去了，她是一些博物馆的特殊活动规划者。

Now, five years later, she's a special events planner for museums.

她和一位她有意识地选择了的人结婚了。

She's married to a man she mindfully chose.

She loves her new career, she loves her new family,

她爱她的新职业，她爱他的新家庭，

她还给我一张上面写着

and she sent me a card that said,

"Now the emergency contact blanks

“现在紧急联系人一栏

don't seem big enough."

似乎不够大了。”的卡片。

Now Emma's story made that sound easy,

Emma的故事让这件事听起来非常简单，

but that's what I love about working with twentysomethings.

但这就是我喜欢和二十几岁的人工作的原因。

They are so easy to help.

要帮助他们实在太容易了。

Twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving LAX,

二十几岁的人就像刚离开洛杉矶国际机场的

bound for somewhere west.

目的地在西边某地的航班。

Right after takeoff, a slight change in course

起飞之后，航线的一个小调整

is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji.

就是落在阿拉斯加还是落在斐济的区别。

Likewise, at 21 or 25 or even 29,

同理，在21岁或者25岁甚至是29岁时，

one good conversation, one good break,

一个好的聊天，一次好的休息，

one good TED Talk, can have an enormous effect

一个好的TED演讲可以对接下来的

across years and even generations to come.

几年甚至是几代人有非常大的影响。

So here's an idea worth spreading

这里给出一个值得传播给

to every twentysomething you know.

每个你认识的二十几岁的人的想法。

It's as simple as what I learned to say to Alex.

它和我学到的该跟Alex说的话一样简单。

It's what I now have the privilege

它就是现在我有权利

of saying to twentysomethings like Emma every single day:

每天对像Emma一样的二十几岁的人说的话：

Thirty is not the new 20, so claim your adulthood,

30岁不再是新的20岁，所以把握好你的成年时期，

get some identity capital, use your weak ties,

积累一些身份资本，利用你的微弱联系

pick your family.

并且选择好你的家庭。

Don't be defined by what you didn't know

别被你不知道的事或者没做的事

or didn't do.

定义。

现在，你就在决定你的生命。

You're deciding your life right now.

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）