Why 30 is not the new 20 | Meg Jay

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

Translator: Kasper Møller Andersen Reviewer: Niels Søndergaard

When I was in my 20s,

Da jeg var i 20'erne,

I saw my very first psychotherapy client.

fik jeg min allerførste psykoterapipatient.

I was a Ph.D. student in clinical psychology at Berkeley.

Jeg var en ph.d.-studerende i klinisk psykologi ved Berkeley.

Hun var en 26-årig kvinde ved navn Alex.

She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex.

Now Alex walked into her first session wearing jeans and a big slouchy top,

Til hendes første session troppede Alex op

i cowboybukser og en stor, løs top,

and she dropped onto the couch in my office

og hun smed sig i sofaen på mit kontor,

and kicked off her flats

sparkede sine flade sko af,

and told me she was there to talk about guy problems.

og sagde at hun ville snakke med mig om drengeproblemer.

Now when I heard this, I was so relieved.

Og det blev jeg utrolig lettet over at høre.

Min klassekammerats første patient var en brandstifter.

My classmate got an arsonist for her first client.

(Laughter)

(Grin)

And I got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys.

Og jeg fik en nogen-og-tyve-årig, der ville snakke om drenge.

This I thought I could handle.

Det mente jeg nok jeg kunne håndtere.

But I didn't handle it.

Men jeg håndterede det ikke.

With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session,

Med de sjove historier Alex havde med til sessionerne,

var det nemt for mig bare at nikke mit hoved,

it was easy for me just to nod my head

mens vi ignorerede problemerne.

while we kicked the can down the road.

"Thirty's the new 20," Alex would say,

"30 er det nye 20" sagde Alex,

and as far as I could tell, she was right.

og så vidt jeg kunne se, havde hun ret.

Work happened later, marriage happened later,

Arbejde kom senere, ægteskab kom senere,

kids happened later, even death happened later.

børn kom senere, selv døden kom senere.

Twentysomethings like Alex and I had nothing but time.

Nogen-og-tyve-årige som Alex og jeg havde al tid i verden.

But before long, my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her love life.

Men inden længe pressede min vejleder mig

til at presse Alex omkring hendes kærlighedsliv.

I pushed back.

Jeg pressede igen.

Jeg sagde, "Ja, hun dater under mål,

I said, "Sure, she's dating down,

she's sleeping with a knucklehead,

hun går i seng med en knoldesparker,

but it's not like she's going to marry the guy."

men det er jo ikke fordi de skal giftes."

And then my supervisor said,

Og så sagde min vejleder,

"Not yet, but she might marry the next one.

"Ikke endnu, men måske gifter hun sig med den næste.

Besides, the best time to work on Alex's marriage

I øvrigt er det bedste tidspunkt at arbejde med Alex' ægteskab

is before she has one."

før hun får et."

That's what psychologists call an "Aha!" moment.

Det er hvad psykologer kalder for et "Aha!"-øjeblik.

That was the moment I realized, 30 is not the new 20.

Det var i det øjeblik jeg indså at 30 ikke er det nye 20.

Yes, people settle down later than they used to,

Ja, folk slår sig ned senere end de gjorde før,

but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime.

men det gjorde ikke Alex' 20'ere til udviklingsmæssig nedetid.

That made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot,

Det gjorde Alex' 20'ere til en ideel tid for udvikling,

and we were sitting there, blowing it.

og der sad vi og spildte den.

That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglect

Det var der jeg indså at den slags velmenende forsømmelse

was a real problem, and it had real consequences,

var et reelt problem, med reelle konsekvenser,

not just for Alex and her love life

ikke bare for Alex og hendes kærlighedsliv,

but for the careers and the families and the futures

men for karriererne og familierne og fremtiden

of twentysomethings everywhere.

for nogen-og-tyve-årige overalt.

There are 50 million twentysomethings in the United States right now.

Der er 50 millioner nogen-og-tyve-årige

i USA lige nu.

We're talking about 15 percent of the population,

Det er cirka 15 procent af befolkningen,

or 100 percent if you consider

eller 100 procent hvis du tager med

that no one's getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.

at ingen kommer gennem deres voksenliv

uden at gå igennem deres 20'ere først.

(Laughter)

Raise your hand if you're in your 20s.

Ræk hånden i vejret hvis du er i 20'erne.

I really want to see some twentysomethings here.

Jeg vil virkelig gerne se nogle i 20'erne her.

Oh, yay! I er fantastiske.

Oh, yay! You are all awesome.

If you work with twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething,

Hvis du arbejder med nogen-og-tyve-årige, hvis du elsker en nogen-og-tyve-årig,

you're losing sleep over twentysomethings, I want to see —

du ligger søvnløs over nogen-og-tyve-årige, jeg vil se -

Okay. Awesome, twentysomethings really matter.

Okay. Fantastisk, nogen-og-tyve-årige betyder virkelig noget.

Jeg specialiserer mig i nogen-og-tyve-årige fordi jeg tror på

So, I specialize in twentysomethings because I believe

that every single one of those 50 million twentysomethings

at hver eneste af de 50 millioner nogen-og-tyve-årige

deserves to know what psychologists,

fortjener at vide hvad psykologer,

sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists

sociologer, neurologer, og fertilitetsspecialister

already know:

allerede ved:

that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest,

at det at tage kontrol over sine 20'ere er en af de simpleste,

yet most transformative, things you can do

og alligevel mest transformerende ting du kan gøre

for work, for love, for your happiness,

for arbejde, for kærlighed, for din lykke,

maybe even for the world.

måske endda for verden.

This is not my opinion.

Det er ikke min mening. Det er fakta.

These are the facts.

We know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments

Vi ved at 80 procent af livets mest skelsættende øjeblikke

take place by age 35.

har fundet sted når man fylder 35.

That means that eight out of 10

Det betyder at otte ud af 10 af de beslutninger

of the decisions and experiences and "Aha!" moments

og erfaringer og "Aha!"-øjeblikke,

that make your life what it is

der gør dit liv til det det er

will have happened by your mid-30s.

vil have fundet sted når du er midt i 30'erne.

People who are over 40, don't panic.

Folk der er over 40, I skal ikke panikke.

This crowd is going to be fine, I think.

Den her skare skal nok klare sig, vil jeg tro.

We know that the first 10 years of a career

Vi ved at de første 10 år af en karriere

has an exponential impact on how much money you're going to earn.

har en eksponentiel indflydelse

på hvor meget man kommer til at tjene.

We know that more than half of Americans

Vi ved at mere end halvdelen af amerikanerne

are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30.

er gifte eller bor med eller dater

deres fremtidige partner når de er 30.

We know that the brain caps off

Vi ved at hjernen lukker for dens anden

its second and last growth spurt in your 20s

og sidste vækstspurt i ens 20'ere

as it rewires itself for adulthood,

når den gør sig klar til voksenlivet,

which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself,

hvilket betyder at hvad end det er du vil ændre ved dig selv,

now is the time to change it.

så er det nu tiden er til det.

We know that personality changes more during your 20s

Vi ved at personlighed ændrer sig mere i ens 20'ere

than at any other time in life,

end på noget andet tidspunkt i ens liv,

and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28,

og vi ved at kvindens frugtbarhed topper i en alder af 28,

and things get tricky after age 35.

og det bliver kompliceret efter 35.

Så dine 20'ere er tiden hvor du skal uddanne dig selv

So your 20s are the time to educate yourself

about your body and your options.

omkring din krop og dine muligheder.

So when we think about child development,

Så når vi tænker på børns udvikling,

we all know that the first five years are a critical period

ved vi alle at de første fem år er en kritisk periode

for language and attachment in the brain.

for sprog og tilknytning i hjernen.

It's a time when your ordinary, day-to-day life

Det er en tid hvor dit normale dagligdagsliv

has an inordinate impact on who you will become.

har en overdreven indvirkning på hvem du bliver til.

Men det vi hører mindre om er at der er noget

But what we hear less about is that there's such a thing

as adult development,

som voksenudvikling, og at vores 20'ere

and our 20s are that critical period of adult development.

er den kritiske periode i voksenudvikling.

But this isn't what twentysomethings are hearing.

Men det er ikke hvad nogen-og-tyve-årige hører.

Newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood.

Aviserne taler om det skiftende skema for voksenlivet.

Researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence.

Forskere kalder 20'erne en forlænget ungdom.

Journalists coin silly nicknames for twentysomethings

Journalister finder på fjollede kaldenavne for nogen-og-tyve-årige

like "twixters" and "kidults."

som "twixtere" og "kidults".

(Laughing) It's true!

Det passer.

As a culture, we have trivialized

I vores kultur har vi trivialiseret hvad der rent faktisk

what is actually the defining decade of adulthood.

er det definerende årti i voksenlivet.

Leonard Bernstein said that to achieve great things,

Leonard Bernstein sagde at for at opnå store ting,

you need a plan and not quite enough time.

så skal du bruge en plan og ikke helt tid nok.

(Laughing) Isn't that true?

Passer det ikke?

So what do you think happens

Så hvad tror I sker

when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say,

når du klapper en nogen-og-tyve-årig på hovedet og siger,

"You have 10 extra years to start your life"?

"Du har 10 ekstra år til at starte dit liv"?

Intet sker.

Nothing happens.

Du har berøvet den person sin hast og ambition,

You have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition,

and absolutely nothing happens.

og absolut intet sker.

And then every day, smart, interesting twentysomethings

Så hver dag vil kloge, og interessante nogen-og-tyve-årige,

like you or like your sons and daughters

som jer eller jeres sønner og døtre,

come into my office and say things like this:

komme ind på mit kontor og sige ting som:

"I know my boyfriend's no good for me,

"Jeg ved min kæreste er skidt for mig,

but this relationship doesn't count. I'm just killing time."

men det forhold her tæller ikke. Det er bare tidsfordriv."

Or they say, "Everybody says as long as I get started

Eller de siger, "Alle siger at så længe jeg får startet

on a career by the time I'm 30, I'll be fine."

på en karriere inden jeg er 30, så skal jeg nok klare mig."

But then it starts to sound like this:

Men så begynder det at lyde sådan her:

"My 20s are almost over, and I have nothing to show for myself.

"Mine 20'ere er næsten ovre, og jeg har intet at fremvise for det.

I had a better résumé the day after I graduated from college."

Mit CV var bedre dagen efter jeg blev færdig på universitetet."

And then it starts to sound like this:

Og så begynder det at lyde sådan her:

"Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs.

"Dating da jeg var i 20'erne var ligesom stoledans.

Everybody was running around and having fun,

Alle løb rundt og morede sig,

but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off

men så omkring de 30 var det som musikken blev slukket

and everybody started sitting down.

og alle begyndte at sætte sig.

I didn't want to be the only one left standing up,

Jeg ville ikke være den eneste der stod tilbage,

so sometimes I think I married my husband

så nogen gange tror jeg at jeg giftede mig med min mand

because he was the closest chair to me at 30."

fordi han var stolen tættest på mig da jeg var 30."

Where are the twentysomethings here?

Hvor er de nogen-og-tyve-årige her?

Do not do that.

Lad vær med at gør sådan.

(Laughter)

Okay, now that sounds a little flip, but make no mistake,

Okay, det lyder lidt skørt, men vær ikke i tvivl om

the stakes are very high.

at der er rigtig meget på spil.

Når mange ting bliver skubbet til dine 30'ere,

When a lot has been pushed to your 30s,

there is enormous thirtysomething pressure

er der enormt pres på nogen-og-tredive-årige

to jump-start a career, pick a city, partner up,

for at få startet en karriere, fundet en by, finde en partner,

and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time.

og få to-tre børn på meget kortere tid.

Many of these things are incompatible,

Mange af de her ting passer heller ikke sammen,

and as research is just starting to show,

og som forskningen nu begynder at vise,

simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.

er de bare sværere og mere stressende at gøre

på en gang i vores 30'ere.

The post-millennial midlife crisis isn't buying a red sports car.

Midtvejskrisen for børn fra 80'erne og frem

er ikke at købe en rød sportsvogn.

It's realizing you can't have that career you now want.

Det er at indse at du ikke kan få den karriere du nu gerne vil have.

It's realizing you can't have that child you now want,

At indse at du ikke kan få det barn du nu gerne vil have,

or you can't give your child a sibling.

eller at du ikke kan give dit barn søskende.

Too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings

For mange folk i 30'erne og 40'erne

look at themselves, and at me, sitting across the room,

kigger på dem selv, og på mig, i den anden side af lokalet,

and say about their 20s,

og siger om deres 20'ere,

"What was I doing? What was I thinking?"

"Hvad havde jeg gang i? Hvad tænkte jeg dog på?"

I want to change what twentysomethings are doing and thinking.

Jeg vil gerne ændre hvad nogen-og-tyve-årige

gør og tænker.

Here's a story about how that can go.

Her er en historie om hvordan det kan gå.

It's a story about a woman named Emma.

Det er en historie om en kvinde ved navn Emma.

At 25, Emma came to my office

Som 25-årig kom Emma ind på mit kontor

because she was, in her words, having an identity crisis.

fordi hun, som hun selv sagde, havde en identitetskrise.

Hun sagde at hun måske gerne ville arbejde med kunst

She said she thought she might like to work in art or entertainment,

eller underholdning, men hun havde ikke bestemt sig endnu,

but she hadn't decided yet,

so she'd spent the last few years waiting tables instead.

så hun havde brugt de sidste par år på at være tjener i stedet.

Fordi det var billigere, boede hun hos sin kæreste

Because it was cheaper, she lived with a boyfriend

who displayed his temper more than his ambition.

som viste sit temperament mere end sin ambition.

And as hard as her 20s were,

Og selvom hendes 20'ere var hårde,

her early life had been even harder.

havde hendes tidlige år været endnu hårdere.

Hun græd ofte til vores sessioner,

She often cried in our sessions,

but then would collect herself by saying,

men fik samling på sig selv ved at sige,

"You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends."

"Du kan ikke vælge din familie, men du kan vælge dine venner."

Well one day, Emma comes in and she hangs her head in her lap,

En dag kommer Emma ind,

hun hænger hovedet nedaf,

and she sobbed for most of the hour.

og så hulkede hun det meste af timen.

She'd just bought a new address book,

Hun havde lige købt en ny kontaktbog,

and she'd spent the morning filling in her many contacts,

og hun havde brugt morgenen på at fylde hendes mange kontakter i den,

but then she'd been left staring at that empty blank

men så havde hun bare stirret på den tomme plads,

that comes after the words

der kommer efter ordene

"In case of emergency, please call ..."

"I nødstilfælde, ring venligst til ..."

She was nearly hysterical when she looked at me and said,

Hun var næsten hysterisk da hun kiggede på mig og sagde,

"Who's going to be there for me if I get in a car wreck?

"Hvem vil være der for mig hvis jeg er i en bilulykke?

Who's going to take care of me if I have cancer?"

Hvem skal pleje mig hvis jeg får kræft?"

Now in that moment, it took everything I had

Og i det øjeblik krævede det al min styrke

not to say, "I will."

for ikke at sige, "Det vil jeg."

For hvad Emma havde brug for var ikke en terapeut,

But what Emma needed wasn't some therapist who really, really cared.

som virkelig, virkelig ville hende.

Emma needed a better life, and I knew this was her chance.

Emma havde brug for et bedre liv, og jeg vidste at det her var hendes chance.

I had learned too much since I first worked with Alex

Jeg havde lært for meget siden jeg først arbejde med Alex

to just sit there while Emma's defining decade

til bare at sidde der mens Emmas vigtigste årti

marcherede forbi.

went parading by.

So over the next weeks and months,

Så hen over de næste uger og måneder

I told Emma three things

fortalte jeg Emma

tre ting som enhver nogen-og-tyve-årig, mand eller kvinde,

that every twentysomething, male or female,

deserves to hear.

fortjener at høre.

First, I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisis

For det første sagde jeg til Emma at hun skulle droppe sin identitetskrise

and get some identity capital.

og skaffe sig noget identitetskapital.

By "get identity capital,"

Og med identitetskapital, mener jeg gør noget,

I mean do something that adds value to who you are.

der tilføjer værdi til den du er.

Do something that's an investment

Gør noget, der er en investering

in who you might want to be next.

i hvem du måske gerne vil blive.

I didn't know the future of Emma's career,

Jeg kendte ikke fremtiden for Emmas karriere,

and no one knows the future of work,

og ingen kender arbejdets fremtid, men dette ved jeg dog:

but I do know this:

Identity capital begets identity capital.

Identitetskapital avler identitetskapital.

So now is the time for that cross-country job,

Så nu er tiden til det job på den anden sige af landet,

that internship, that startup you want to try.

det praktikophold, det iværksætteri du gerne vil prøve.

I'm not discounting twentysomething exploration here,

Jeg siger ikke at man ikke skal udforske i sine 20'ere,

but I am discounting exploration that's not supposed to count,

man skal bare ikke lave udforskning, der ikke tæller,

hvilket i øvrigt slet ikke er udforskning.

which, by the way, is not exploration.

That's procrastination.

Det er overspringshandlinger.

I told Emma to explore work and make it count.

Jeg sagde til Emma at hun skulle udforske arbejde og få det til at tælle.

Second, I told Emma that the urban tribe is overrated.

For det andet fortalte jeg Emma at alle vores små kliker er overvurderede.

Best friends are great for giving rides to the airport,

Bedste venner er gode når du skal have et lift til lufthavnen,

but twentysomethings who huddle together with like-minded peers

men nogen-og-tyve-årige, der stimler sammen

med ligesindede, begrænser hvem de kender,

limit who they know,

hvad de ved, hvordan de tænker, hvordan de taler,

what they know, how they think,

how they speak, and where they work.

og hvor de arbejder.

That new piece of capital, that new person to date

Det nye stykke kapital, den nye person at date

almost always comes from outside the inner circle.

kommer næsten altid fra et andet sted end inderkredsen.

New things come from what are called our weak ties,

Nye ting kommer fra hvad kaldes vores svage bånd,

our friends of friends of friends.

vores venners venners venner.

So yes, half of twentysomethings are un- or under-employed.

Så ja, halvdelen af nogen-og-tyve-årige er under- eller slet ikke beskæftigede.

But half aren't,

Men halvdelen er ikke, og svage bånd

and weak ties are how you get yourself into that group.

er nøglen til at få dig selv ind i den gruppe.

Half of new jobs are never posted,

Halvdelen af nye stillinger bliver aldrig slået op,

so reaching out to your neighbor's boss is how you get that unposted job.

så at tage kontakt til din nabos chef

er hvordan du får det uopslåede arbejde.

It's not cheating. It's the science of how information spreads.

Det er ikke at snyde. Det er bare et spørgsmål om hvordan information spreder sig.

Last but not least, Emma believed

Og sidst men ikke mindst mente Emma at

that you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends.

du kan ikke vælge din familie, men du kan vælge dine venner.

Now this was true for her growing up,

Og det var jo sandt nok i hendes opvækst,

but as a twentysomething, soon Emma would pick her family

men som en nogen-og-tyve-årig skulle Emma snart vælge sin familie,

når hun fandt en partner,

when she partnered with someone and created a family of her own.

og stiftede sin egen familie.

Jeg fortalte Emma at tiden for hende at vælge familie er nu.

I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now.

Now you may be thinking that 30 is actually a better time to settle down

Du tænker måske at 30

egentlig er en bedre alder at slå sig ned i

than 20, or even 25,

end 20, eller endda 25,

and I agree with you.

og jeg er enig.

But grabbing whoever you're living with or sleeping with

Men at tage hvem end man bor eller går i seng med,

when everyone on Facebook starts walking down the aisle

når alle på Facebook begynder at gå op ad kirkegulvet,

is not progress.

er ikke fremskridt.

The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one,

Det bedste tidspunkt at arbejde på dit ægteskab

er før du får et,

and that means being as intentional with love

er betyder du skal være så målrettet med kærlighed

as you are with work.

som du er med arbejde.

Picking your family is about consciously choosing

At vælge sin familie handler om bevidst at vælge

who and what you want

hvem og hvad man vil

rather than just making it work or killing time

i stedet for bare at få noget til at fungere eller lave tidsfordriv

med hvem end der nu har valgt dig.

with whoever happens to be choosing you.

So what happened to Emma?

Så hvordan gik det for Emma?

Vi gik hendes kontaktbog igennem,

Well, we went through that address book,

og der fandt vi en gammel værelseskammerats fætter,

and she found an old roommate's cousin

who worked at an art museum in another state.

der arbejdede for et kunstmuseum i en anden stat.

That weak tie helped her get a job there.

Det svage bånd hjalp hende til at få arbejde der.

That job offer gave her the reason to leave that live-in boyfriend.

Det arbejde gav hende en grund

til at forlade kæresten.

Og nu, fem år senere, er hun arrangør af særlige begivenheder for museer.

Now, five years later, she's a special events planner for museums.

Hun er gift med en mand hun bevidst ville have.

She's married to a man she mindfully chose.

She loves her new career, she loves her new family,

Hun elsker sin nye karriere, hun elsker sin nye familie,

og hun sendte mig et kort hvor der stod,

and she sent me a card that said,

"Now the emergency contact blanks

"Nu virker nødstilfældepladserne

don't seem big enough."

slet ikke store nok."

Now Emma's story made that sound easy,

Godt nok får Emmas historie det til at lyde nemt,

but that's what I love about working with twentysomethings.

men det er hvad jeg elsker ved at arbejde med nogen-og-tyve-årige.

They are so easy to help.

De er så nemme at hjælpe.

Twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving LAX,

Nogen-og-tyve-årige er som fly lige lettet fra Los Angeles lufthavn,

bound for somewhere west.

på vej vest på.

Right after takeoff, a slight change in course

Lige efter afgang kan en lille kursændring

is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji.

være forskellen mellem at lande i Alaska eller Fiji.

Likewise, at 21 or 25 or even 29,

På samme måde, i en alder af 21, 25, eller endda 29

one good conversation, one good break,

kan en god samtale, et godt gennembrud,

one good TED Talk, can have an enormous effect

en god TED præsentation, have en enorm effekt

across years and even generations to come.

mange år og endda generationer frem.

So here's an idea worth spreading

Så her en idé, der er værd at sprede

to every twentysomething you know.

til alle nogen-og-tyve-årige du kender.

It's as simple as what I learned to say to Alex.

Det er så simpelt som hvad jeg lærte at sige til Alex.

It's what I now have the privilege

Det er hvad jeg nu har privilegiet

of saying to twentysomethings like Emma every single day:

at kunne sige til nogen-og-tyve-årige som Emma hver eneste dag:

Thirty is not the new 20, so claim your adulthood,

30 er ikke det nye 20, så tag kontrol over dit voksenliv,

get some identity capital, use your weak ties,

få noget identitetskapital, brug dine svage bånd,

pick your family.

vælg din familie.

Don't be defined by what you didn't know

Vær ikke defineret af hvad du ikke vidste

or didn't do.

eller ikke gjorde.

Du bygger dit liv op lige nu.

You're deciding your life right now.

Thank you.

Tak.

(Applause)

(Bifald)