Why 30 is not the new 20 | Meg Jay

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

Prevoditelj: Ivan Stamenković Recezent: Izidora Zganjer

When I was in my 20s,

Kada sam imala dvadest godina,

I saw my very first psychotherapy client.

primila sam svoju prvu klijenticu na psihoterapiju.

I was a Ph.D. student in clinical psychology at Berkeley.

Tada sam bila na doktorskom studiju kliničke psihologije na Berkeleyju.

Ona je bila 26-godišnjakinja po imenu Alex.

She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex.

Now Alex walked into her first session wearing jeans and a big slouchy top,

Alex je došla na prvi razgovor

odjevena u traperice i široku majicu.

and she dropped onto the couch in my office

Sjela je na kauč u mom uredu

and kicked off her flats

i skinula cipele.

and told me she was there to talk about guy problems.

Rekla mi je da želi razgovarati o problemima s dečkima.

Now when I heard this, I was so relieved.

Kad sam to čula, tako mi je laknulo.

Prvi klijent moje kolegice bio je piroman.

My classmate got an arsonist for her first client.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And I got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys.

A mene je zapala dvadesetgodišnjakinja koja je htjela razgovarati o dečkima.

This I thought I could handle.

Činilo mi se da ću to imati pod kontrolom.

But I didn't handle it.

No nisam.

With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session,

Alex bi mi na seansama pričala smiješne priče,

pa mi je bilo lako kimati glavom,

it was easy for me just to nod my head

dok smo tako tratile vrijeme.

while we kicked the can down the road.

"Thirty's the new 20," Alex would say,

Alex bi govorila: "Tridesete su nove dvadesete"

and as far as I could tell, she was right.

I, što se mene tiče, bila je u pravu.

Work happened later, marriage happened later,

Kasnije se zaposlite, kasnije se vjenčate,

kids happened later, even death happened later.

kasnije imate djecu, kasnije i umirete.

Twentysomethings like Alex and I had nothing but time.

Dvadesetgodišnjaci poput Alex i mene imali su vremena napretek.

But before long, my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her love life.

No uskoro me mentor počeo nagovarati

da pritisnem Alex zbog njezinog ljubavnog života.

I pushed back.

Ja sam se odupirala.

Rekla sam: "Naravno, zaslužuje boljeg dečka,

I said, "Sure, she's dating down,

she's sleeping with a knucklehead,

spava s budalom,

but it's not like she's going to marry the guy."

ali ionako se neće udati za njega."

And then my supervisor said,

A onda mi je mentor rekao:

"Not yet, but she might marry the next one.

"Neće, ali bi se mogla udati za sljedećeg.

Besides, the best time to work on Alex's marriage

Osim toga, nabolje vrijeme da Alex radi na svom braku

is before she has one."

je prije nego što se uda."

That's what psychologists call an "Aha!" moment.

To psiholozi nazivaju "AHA! trenutkom".

That was the moment I realized, 30 is not the new 20.

To je bio trenutak kada sam shvatila da tridesete NISU nove dvadesete.

Yes, people settle down later than they used to,

Istina, ljudi se skrase kasnije,

but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime.

ali to ne znači da su za Alex dvadesete vrijeme pauze u razvoju.

That made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot,

Nego su, dvadesete ključna točka u razvoju.

and we were sitting there, blowing it.

A mi smo sjedile i tratile to vrijeme.

That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglect

Tada sam shvatila da je to dobroćudno zanemarivanje

was a real problem, and it had real consequences,

pravi problem i da ima posljedice,

not just for Alex and her love life

ne samo za Alex i njezin ljubavni život,

but for the careers and the families and the futures

nego i na karijere, obitelji i budućnost

of twentysomethings everywhere.

dvadesetgodišnjaka diljem svijeta.

There are 50 million twentysomethings in the United States right now.

Trenutno, je u SAD-u,

50 milijuna dvadesetogodišnjaka.

We're talking about 15 percent of the population,

To je 15 posto stanovništva.

or 100 percent if you consider

Ili, 100 posto, uzmemo li u obzir,

that no one's getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.

da nitko ne dođe do zrele dobi,

a da najprije ne prođe kroz svoje dvadesete.

(Laughter)

Raise your hand if you're in your 20s.

Podignite ruku ako ste u dvadesetima.

I really want to see some twentysomethings here.

Zaista želim vidjeti dvadesetgodišnjake.

To! Sjajni ste.

Oh, yay! You are all awesome.

If you work with twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething,

Ako radite s dvadesetgodišnjacima ili volite nekog od njih.

you're losing sleep over twentysomethings, I want to see —

Ako ne spavate zbog nekog dvadesetgodišnjaka, da vidim...

Okay. Awesome, twentysomethings really matter.

Dobro. Odlično. Dvadesetgodišnjaci su zaista bitni.

Specijelizirala sam se za dvadesetgodišnjake jer vjerujem

So, I specialize in twentysomethings because I believe

that every single one of those 50 million twentysomethings

da baš svaki od tih pedeset milijuna dvadesetgodišnjaka

deserves to know what psychologists,

zaslužuje znati ono

sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists

što psiholozi, sociolozi, neurolozi i strčnjaci za plodnost

already know:

već znaju.

that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest,

Osvijestiti svoje dvadesete godine jedna je od najjednostavnijih stvari,

yet most transformative, things you can do

koje možete učiniti kako biste napravili promjenu

for work, for love, for your happiness,

u poslovnom životu, u ljubavi i u sreći.

maybe even for the world.

A možda čak i u svijetu.

This is not my opinion.

To nije moje mišljenje. To su činjenice.

These are the facts.

We know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments

Znamo da se 80 posto najvažnijih trenutaka u životu

take place by age 35.

dogode prije 35. godine.

That means that eight out of 10

To znači da se osam od deset odluka,

of the decisions and experiences and "Aha!" moments

iskustava i "AHA! trenutaka"

that make your life what it is

koji oblikuju vaš život

will have happened by your mid-30s.

dogodi do vaših srednjih tridesetih.

People who are over 40, don't panic.

Vi koji imate više od 40, ne paničarite.

This crowd is going to be fine, I think.

Mislim da će s tom ekipom sve biti u redu.

We know that the first 10 years of a career

Znamo da prvih deset godina karijere

has an exponential impact on how much money you're going to earn.

ima eksponencijalni učinak

na to koliko ćete zarađivati u budućnosti.

We know that more than half of Americans

Znamo da je više od polovice Amerikanaca

are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30.

vjenčano, živi ili je u vezi

sa svojim budućim partnerom do 30. godine.

We know that the brain caps off

Znamo da mozak u dvadesetima završava

its second and last growth spurt in your 20s

drugi i posljednji intenzivni ciklus razvoja

as it rewires itself for adulthood,

jer se priprema za odraslu dob.

which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself,

To znači da ono što na sebi želite promijeniti

now is the time to change it.

sada je vrijeme da to učinite.

We know that personality changes more during your 20s

Znamo da se osobnost mijenja više tijekom dvadesetih

than at any other time in life,

nego u ijednom drugom razdoblju u životu.

and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28,

Također znamo da je ženska plodnost na vrhuncu u 28. godini.

and things get tricky after age 35.

I da su stvari malo zeznute nakon 35. godine.

Dakle, dvadesete su vrijeme da se informirate

So your 20s are the time to educate yourself

about your body and your options.

o svom tijelu i o tome koje su mogućnosti pred vama.

So when we think about child development,

Kad govorimo o razvoju djece,

we all know that the first five years are a critical period

svi znamo da je prvih pet godina presudno

for language and attachment in the brain.

za razvoj jezika i povezanost neurona u mozgu.

It's a time when your ordinary, day-to-day life

To je vrijeme kad vaš obični, svakodnevni život

has an inordinate impact on who you will become.

ima neobičan utjecaj na to u što ćete se pretvoriti.

No rjeđe čujemo da postoji

But what we hear less about is that there's such a thing

as adult development,

razvoj odraslih i naše su dvadesete

and our 20s are that critical period of adult development.

ključni period tog razvoja.

But this isn't what twentysomethings are hearing.

No, dvadesetgodišnjaci to nigdje nemaju priliku čuti.

Newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood.

Novine pišu o pomicanju dobnih granica odraslih.

Researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence.

Istraživači dvadesete zovu produženi pubertet.

Journalists coin silly nicknames for twentysomethings

Novinari smišljaju smiješne nadimke za dvadesetogodišnjake.

like "twixters" and "kidults."

Kao "twixters" i (zreli adolescenti)

"kidults" (odrasla djeca). Da, zbilja.

(Laughing) It's true!

As a culture, we have trivialized

Kao kultura smo zapravo trivijalizirali,

what is actually the defining decade of adulthood.

definirajuće desetljeće zrelosti.

Leonard Bernstein said that to achieve great things,

Leonard Bernstein je rekao: "Da bismo postigli velike stvari

you need a plan and not quite enough time.

trebamo plan i nedovoljno vremena."

(Laughing) Isn't that true?

Zar nije tako?

So what do you think happens

Pa, što mislite da se dogodi

when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say,

kada dvadesetogodišnjaka pogladite po glavi i kažete:

"You have 10 extra years to start your life"?

"Imaš još deset godina da započneš svoj život"?

Ništa!

Nothing happens.

Ukrali ste toj osobi želju i ambiciju.

You have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition,

and absolutely nothing happens.

I ništa se ne dogodi.

And then every day, smart, interesting twentysomethings

I onda, svaki dan, pametni, zanimljivi dvadesetogodišnjaci,

like you or like your sons and daughters

kao vi ili vaši sinovi i kćeri,

come into my office and say things like this:

dolaze u moj ured i kažu:

"I know my boyfriend's no good for me,

"Znam da moj dečko nije taj,

but this relationship doesn't count. I'm just killing time."

ali ova veza se ionako ne računa. Ja samo ubijam vrijeme s njim."

Or they say, "Everybody says as long as I get started

Ili "Svi kažu da ako počnem

on a career by the time I'm 30, I'll be fine."

raditi do 30-te, sve će biti u redu."

But then it starts to sound like this:

Ali nakon toga počinje zvučati ovako nekako:

"My 20s are almost over, and I have nothing to show for myself.

"Moje dvadesete su pri kraju, a ja nemam ništa od njih.

I had a better résumé the day after I graduated from college."

Životopis mi je izgledao bolje dan nakon što sam završila fakultet."

And then it starts to sound like this:

A onda ovako:

"Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs.

"Izlasci u dvadesetima su bili kao ona igra sa stolcima.

Everybody was running around and having fun,

Prvo svi trče okolo i zabavljaju se.

but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off

Ali onda u tridesetima kao da je netko ugasio glazbu

and everybody started sitting down.

i svi su morali sjesti.

I didn't want to be the only one left standing up,

Ja nisam željela biti jedina koja stoji,

so sometimes I think I married my husband

pa ponekad mislim da sam se udala za svog muža

because he was the closest chair to me at 30."

zato što mi je bio najbliža stolica u tridesetoj."

Where are the twentysomethings here?

Dvadesetogodišnjaci, gdje ste?

Do not do that.

Nemojte to raditi!

(Laughter)

Okay, now that sounds a little flip, but make no mistake,

Znam da zvuči ludo, ali ne zavaravajte se.

the stakes are very high.

Ulozi su vrlo visoki.

Kada puno toga odlažete za tridesete,

When a lot has been pushed to your 30s,

there is enormous thirtysomething pressure

velik je i pritisak na te tridesete.

to jump-start a career, pick a city, partner up,

Početi karijeru, preseliti se, pronaći partnera

and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time.

dobiti djecu u kratkom periodu.

Many of these things are incompatible,

Puno tih stvari ne idu skupa.

and as research is just starting to show,

I istraživanja pokazuju

simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.

da su jednostavno teže i stresnije

istodobno u tridesetima.

The post-millennial midlife crisis isn't buying a red sports car.

'Milenijalaci' u krizi srednjih godina

ne kupuju crveni sportski auto.

It's realizing you can't have that career you now want.

Nego, shvaćaju da ne mogu imati karijeru kakvu sada žele.

It's realizing you can't have that child you now want,

Shvaćaju da ne mogu imati dijete koje sada žele.

or you can't give your child a sibling.

Ili, da ne mogu imati još jedno dijete.

Too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings

Previše tridesetogodišnjaka i četrdesetogodišnjaka,

look at themselves, and at me, sitting across the room,

sjedi u mom uredu i kada razmišlja

and say about their 20s,

o dvadesetima, pita se:

"What was I doing? What was I thinking?"

"Što sam ja to radio?" "Što sam mislio?"

I want to change what twentysomethings are doing and thinking.

Ja želim promijeniti što dvadesetogodišnjaci rade

i kako razmišljaju.

Here's a story about how that can go.

Ovo je jedna verzija kako je to moguće napraviti.

It's a story about a woman named Emma.

Ovo je priča o Emmi.

At 25, Emma came to my office

U 25. godini, Emma je ušla u moj ured,

because she was, in her words, having an identity crisis.

jer je, kako je rekla, imala krizu identiteta.

Rekla je da možda želi raditi u umjetnosti

She said she thought she might like to work in art or entertainment,

ili industriji zabave, ali kako još nije odlučila

but she hadn't decided yet,

so she'd spent the last few years waiting tables instead.

zadnjih par godina je radila kao konobarica.

Kako joj je to bilo jeftinije, živjela je s dečkom.

Because it was cheaper, she lived with a boyfriend

who displayed his temper more than his ambition.

A on je češće pokazivao nasilnu narav, nego ambiciju.

And as hard as her 20s were,

I koliko god su joj dvadesete bile teške,

her early life had been even harder.

život joj je prije bio još teži.

Često je plakala na seansama.

She often cried in our sessions,

but then would collect herself by saying,

A onda bi skupila snagu i rekla:

"You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends."

"Ne možeš birati obitelj, ali možeš prijatelje."

Well one day, Emma comes in and she hangs her head in her lap,

Jednog dana je Emma došla,

spustila glavu u krilo

and she sobbed for most of the hour.

i ridala gotovo čitav sat.

She'd just bought a new address book,

Upravo je kupila novi adresar,

and she'd spent the morning filling in her many contacts,

i provela jutro u prepisivanju informacija svojih kontakata.

but then she'd been left staring at that empty blank

Ali, je ostala zuriti u prazno polje

that comes after the words

koje dolazi nakon riječi:

"In case of emergency, please call ..."

"U slučaju nužde, nazvati ______."

She was nearly hysterical when she looked at me and said,

Bila je histerična kada me pogledala i rekla:

"Who's going to be there for me if I get in a car wreck?

"Kome će bit stalo ako budem imala prometnu nesreću?"

Who's going to take care of me if I have cancer?"

"Tko će se brinuti o meni ako budem imala rak?"

Now in that moment, it took everything I had

U tome trenutku, skupila sam svu snagu,

not to say, "I will."

da ne kažem: "Ja ću."

Ono što je Emma trebala, nije bila psihoterapeutkinja

But what Emma needed wasn't some therapist who really, really cared.

kojoj je bilo zbilja, zbilja stalo.

Emma needed a better life, and I knew this was her chance.

Emmi je bio potreban bolji život, i znala sam da je ovo prava prilika.

I had learned too much since I first worked with Alex

Naučila sam previše od svog prvog susreta s Alex

to just sit there while Emma's defining decade

da bih samo sjedila dok Emmino najvažnije desetljeće života

mirno prolazi.

went parading by.

So over the next weeks and months,

Tijekom sljedećih tjedana i mjeseci

I told Emma three things

rekla sam Emmi

tri stvari koje svaki dvadesetogodišnjak

that every twentysomething, male or female,

deserves to hear.

mora čuti.

First, I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisis

Prvo, rekla sam Emmi da zaboravi krizu identiteta,

and get some identity capital.

i stvori identitetni kapital.

By "get identity capital,"

Pod time mislim da čini stvari

I mean do something that adds value to who you are.

kojima dobiva na vrijednosti.

Do something that's an investment

Investiraj u

in who you might want to be next.

ono što želiš biti.

I didn't know the future of Emma's career,

Nisam znala koja je Emmina poslovna budućnos

and no one knows the future of work,

nitko ne može predvidjeti tržište rada, ali znam ovo:

but I do know this:

Identity capital begets identity capital.

Identitetski kapital stvara identitetski kapital.

So now is the time for that cross-country job,

Dakle, sada je vrijeme za taj posao u drugoj zemlji.

that internship, that startup you want to try.

Za ono pripravništvo. Za svoju start-up tvrtku.

I'm not discounting twentysomething exploration here,

Dakle, ne kritiziram istraživanje u dvadesetima

but I am discounting exploration that's not supposed to count,

ali osuđujem ono istraživanje koje se 'ne računa'.

A to, nije istraživanje.

which, by the way, is not exploration.

That's procrastination.

To je odugovlačenje.

I told Emma to explore work and make it count.

Rekla sam Emmi da istraži svoje poslovne mogućnosti. I odabere posao koje se računa.

Second, I told Emma that the urban tribe is overrated.

Drugo, rekla sam Emmi da je urbano pleme precijenjeno.

Best friends are great for giving rides to the airport,

Prijatelji su super kada te treba odvesti na aerodrom.

but twentysomethings who huddle together with like-minded peers

Ali, dvadesetogodišnjaci koje se stalno druže

sa svojim istomišljenicima, ograničeni su na one koje znaju,

limit who they know,

na ono što znaju, kako misle

what they know, how they think,

how they speak, and where they work.

kako govore i gdje rade.

That new piece of capital, that new person to date

Ta nova vrijednost u kapitalu, nova osoba za izlaske

almost always comes from outside the inner circle.

gotovo uvijek je pripadnik vanjskog kruga poznanika.

New things come from what are called our weak ties,

Nove stvari su rezultat 'slabih društvenih veza'.

our friends of friends of friends.

Prijatelja od prijatelja naših prijatelja.

So yes, half of twentysomethings are un- or under-employed.

I da, polovica dvadesetogodišnjaka je nezaposleno ili slabo plaćeno.

But half aren't,

Ali, druga polovica nije.

and weak ties are how you get yourself into that group.

A 'slabim vezama' se dolazi u tu polovicu.

Half of new jobs are never posted,

Polovica oglasa za nova radna mjesta se nikada ne objavljuje.

so reaching out to your neighbor's boss is how you get that unposted job.

Do takvih radnih mjesta možete doći

kontaktirate li susjedova šefa.

It's not cheating. It's the science of how information spreads.

To nije varanje. To je znanost širenja informacija.

Last but not least, Emma believed

I zadnje, Emma je vjerovala da

that you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends.

ne možeš birati svoju obitelj, ali možeš birati prijatelje.

Now this was true for her growing up,

To je bila njezina istina s kojom je odrastala.

but as a twentysomething, soon Emma would pick her family

Ali, kao dvadesetogodišnjakinja, Emma će ubrzo odabrati svoju obitelj.

Kada odabere partnera

when she partnered with someone and created a family of her own.

i stvori svoju obitelj.

Rekla sam joj da je sada vrijeme da počne birati svoju obitelj.

I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now.

Now you may be thinking that 30 is actually a better time to settle down

Sada mislite da je bolje

skrasiti se u tridesetoj.

than 20, or even 25,

Nego s 20 ili 25 godina.

and I agree with you.

I slažem se s vama.

But grabbing whoever you're living with or sleeping with

Ali 'uhvatiti' s kim god u tom trenu živite ili spavate

when everyone on Facebook starts walking down the aisle

kada svi na Facebooku počnu šetati prema oltaru

is not progress.

nije neki napredak.

The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one,

Najbolje vrijeme za rad na braku

je prije nego ste vjenčani.

and that means being as intentional with love

To znači pristupati ljubavi s jednakim namjerama

as you are with work.

kao i prema poslu.

Picking your family is about consciously choosing

Odabirati svoju obitelj znači svjesno izabrati

who and what you want

koga i što želite,

rather than just making it work or killing time

umjesto truditi se da nešto uspije

ili 'ubijati vrijeme' s nekim tko je izabrao vas.

with whoever happens to be choosing you.

So what happened to Emma?

Što se dogodilo s Emmom?

Pogledale smo kontakte u njezinom adresaru.

Well, we went through that address book,

Ona je pronašla rođaka stare cimerice

and she found an old roommate's cousin

who worked at an art museum in another state.

koji je radio u muzeju u drugoj državi.

That weak tie helped her get a job there.

Ta 'slaba veza' joj je pomogla da dobije posao ondje.

That job offer gave her the reason to leave that live-in boyfriend.

Ta ponuda za posao je bila dovoljan razlog

da ostavi dečka s kojim je živjela.

Danas, pet godina poslije, ona je organizator priredbi u muzejima.

Now, five years later, she's a special events planner for museums.

Udana je za čovjeka kojeg je ona pažljivo odabrala.

She's married to a man she mindfully chose.

She loves her new career, she loves her new family,

Voli svoju novu karijeru, i novu obitelj.

Poslala mi je poruku:

and she sent me a card that said,

"Now the emergency contact blanks

"Sada, ona praznina za kontakt u slučaju nužde

don't seem big enough."

se čini premala."

Now Emma's story made that sound easy,

Emmina priča sada zvuči tako jednostavno.

but that's what I love about working with twentysomethings.

Ali, baš zato volim raditi s dvadesetogodišnjacima.

They are so easy to help.

Njima je tako lako pomoći.

Twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving LAX,

Dvadesetogodišnjaci su kao avioni koji odlaze s LAX-a

bound for somewhere west.

spremi krenuti na zapad.

Right after takeoff, a slight change in course

Odmah nakon uzlijetanja, čak i mala promjena smjera

is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji.

čini razliku hoće li sletjeti u Aljasci ili na Fidžiju.

Likewise, at 21 or 25 or even 29,

Isto tako, imate li 21, 25 ili 29 godina,

one good conversation, one good break,

jedan dobar razgovor, jedna dobra prilika,

one good TED Talk, can have an enormous effect

jedan dobar TED Talk, može imati ogroman utjecaj,

across years and even generations to come.

na godine i generacije koje tek dolaze.

So here's an idea worth spreading

Dakle, ovo je ideja koju vrijedi širiti dalje

to every twentysomething you know.

svim dvadesetogodišnjacima koje znate.

It's as simple as what I learned to say to Alex.

To je jednostavno kao ono što sam rekla Alex.

It's what I now have the privilege

To je ono što sada imam privilegij reći

of saying to twentysomethings like Emma every single day:

dvadesetogodišnjacima kao što je Emma svaki dan:

Thirty is not the new 20, so claim your adulthood,

"Tridesete nisu nove dvadesete, osvijestite svoju zrelost,

get some identity capital, use your weak ties,

stvorite identitetni kapital, koristite 'slabe veze',

pick your family.

odaberite svoju obitelj.

Don't be defined by what you didn't know

Nemojte se definirati prema onome što niste znali

or didn't do.

ili niste učinili.

Odlučujete o svome životu upravo sada.

You're deciding your life right now.

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)