Why 30 is not the new 20 | Meg Jay

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

譯者: illusion Hung 審譯者: Ada Wang

When I was in my 20s,

二十多歲時

I saw my very first psychotherapy client.

我見到我第一位心理治療病患

I was a Ph.D. student in clinical psychology at Berkeley.

我當時是柏克萊大學臨床心理學博士生

她是名叫Alex的26歲女子

She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex.

Now Alex walked into her first session wearing jeans and a big slouchy top,

Alex第一次前來會談時

穿著牛仔褲和寬大上衣

and she dropped onto the couch in my office

她一屁股坐在我辦公室的沙發上

and kicked off her flats

踢掉她的平底鞋

and told me she was there to talk about guy problems.

告訴我她想談談她和男人的問題

Now when I heard this, I was so relieved.

聽見這句話時，我感到如釋重負

因為我同學的第一位病人是個縱火犯

My classmate got an arsonist for her first client.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And I got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys.

我的不過是想聊聊男人的年輕女子

This I thought I could handle.

我以為我能搞定這件事

But I didn't handle it.

事實卻不然

With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session,

聽著Alex在會談中所說的有趣故事

對我來說十分輕鬆，只需點頭

it was easy for me just to nod my head

避而不談真正的問題

while we kicked the can down the road.

"Thirty's the new 20," Alex would say,

「三十歲不就是再活一次二十歲嘛」Alex說

and as far as I could tell, she was right.

就我當時的想法，她說的沒錯

Work happened later, marriage happened later,

工作、結婚都是之後的事

kids happened later, even death happened later.

孩子是之後的事，甚至死亡也是之後的事

Twentysomethings like Alex and I had nothing but time.

像 Alex 和我這樣二十歲世代的年輕人，有的是時間

But before long, my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her love life.

但不久後，指導教授催促我

督促 Alex 積極面對她的戀愛關係

I pushed back.

我不以為然

我說，「沒錯，她有固定約會對象」

I said, "Sure, she's dating down,

she's sleeping with a knucklehead,

「她和一個蠢蛋上床」

but it's not like she's going to marry the guy."

「但不代表她會和那個傢伙結婚」

And then my supervisor said,

於是指導教授說

"Not yet, but she might marry the next one.

「目前是如此，但或許她會和下一個蠢蛋結婚」

Besides, the best time to work on Alex's marriage

「此外，Alex 經營婚姻的最佳時機」

is before she has one."

「就是在她結婚前」

That's what psychologists call an "Aha!" moment.

這就是心理學家所謂的「啊哈！」時刻

That was the moment I realized, 30 is not the new 20.

那一刻，我領悟到你無法等到三十歲，再重頭過二十歲的生活

Yes, people settle down later than they used to,

沒錯，人們比以往更晚成家立業

but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime.

但不代表 Alex 的二十歲是她的發展停滯期

That made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot,

而是 Alex 的最佳發展時機

and we were sitting there, blowing it.

我們卻坐視這段時光白白流逝

That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglect

此時我才明白善意的忽視

was a real problem, and it had real consequences,

確實是個問題，而且會有嚴重的後果

not just for Alex and her love life

不僅對 Alex 和她的愛情生活來說如此

but for the careers and the families and the futures

對所有二十歲世代年輕人的

of twentysomethings everywhere.

事業、家庭和未來亦然

There are 50 million twentysomethings in the United States right now.

目前美國有五千萬名

二十歲世代人口

We're talking about 15 percent of the population,

大約佔總人口的15%

or 100 percent if you consider

或者說100%，如果考慮到

that no one's getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.

任何邁入成年期的人

都曾經歷過二十多歲這個年紀

(Laughter)

Raise your hand if you're in your 20s.

現場二十多歲的請舉手

I really want to see some twentysomethings here.

我非常希望在現場見到二十多歲的聽眾

太好了！你們都棒極了

Oh, yay! You are all awesome.

If you work with twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething,

如果你和二十歲世代年輕人共事 你或是你的交往對象二十多歲

you're losing sleep over twentysomethings, I want to see —

或者是你非常關心二十歲世代 我想知道你們在哪－

Okay. Awesome, twentysomethings really matter.

好，棒極了 二十歲的這個世代真的很重要

因此我專門研究二十歲這個世代

So, I specialize in twentysomethings because I believe

that every single one of those 50 million twentysomethings

因為我認為這五千萬名二十多歲年輕人中的每一位

deserves to know what psychologists,

都該知道心理學家

sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists

社會學家、神經學家及生育專家

already know:

都知道的事

that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest,

二十歲的這個世代是最單純

yet most transformative, things you can do

也最具可塑性的階段

for work, for love, for your happiness,

對工作、愛情和幸福來說

maybe even for the world.

也許甚至對全世界來說

This is not my opinion.

這並非我個人的觀點，而是事實

These are the facts.

We know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments

我們知道，人生中 80% 最具決定性的時刻

take place by age 35.

發生於35歲前

That means that eight out of 10

這意味著10個中有8個

of the decisions and experiences and "Aha!" moments

塑造你人生的決定、經歷

that make your life what it is

和「啊哈！」時刻

will have happened by your mid-30s.

發生於30歲中旬前

People who are over 40, don't panic.

超過40歲的人別慌

This crowd is going to be fine, I think.

我想在座的各位應該沒問題

We know that the first 10 years of a career

我們知道一份職業的最初十年

has an exponential impact on how much money you're going to earn.

有舉足輕重的影響

對你未來的收入而言

We know that more than half of Americans

我們知道半數以上的美國人

are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30.

30歲前結婚、同居或約會的對象

就是你未來的終生伴侶

We know that the brain caps off

我們知道大腦在二十多歲這個年紀會歷經第二次

its second and last growth spurt in your 20s

及最後一次成長高峰

as it rewires itself for adulthood,

以轉型為成人期

which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself,

這意味著無論你打算如何改變自己

now is the time to change it.

此刻正是最佳時機

We know that personality changes more during your 20s

我們知道性格在二十多歲這個年紀的變化

than at any other time in life,

勝於人生其他階段

and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28,

我們知道女性生育高峰期是28歲

and things get tricky after age 35.

35歲後則每況愈下

因此二十年華正是瞭解自我

So your 20s are the time to educate yourself

about your body and your options.

身體狀況及選擇的最佳時機

So when we think about child development,

因此當我們談到兒童發展

we all know that the first five years are a critical period

我們都知道最初五年是關鍵期

for language and attachment in the brain.

對大腦的語言和情感依附發展來說

It's a time when your ordinary, day-to-day life

這是日常生活

has an inordinate impact on who you will become.

對未來發展影響甚鉅的階段

但我們較少聽說的是所謂的「成人發展」

But what we hear less about is that there's such a thing

as adult development,

二十歲的這個年紀

and our 20s are that critical period of adult development.

正是成人的發展關鍵期

But this isn't what twentysomethings are hearing.

但很少有二十多歲的年輕人聽說過這件事

Newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood.

報紙談論的總是成人階段的變化

Researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence.

研究人員稱二十歲世代為青春期的延續

Journalists coin silly nicknames for twentysomethings

新聞記者賦予二十歲世代一些愚蠢的綽號

like "twixters" and "kidults."

例如「啃老族」和「大孩子」

(Laughing) It's true!

確實如此

As a culture, we have trivialized

文化使然，我們輕忽了

what is actually the defining decade of adulthood.

成人階段的決定性十年

Leonard Bernstein said that to achieve great things,

倫納德‧伯恩斯坦（著名指揮家）說，欲達成偉大成就

you need a plan and not quite enough time.

需要一個計畫和不甚充裕的時間

(Laughing) Isn't that true?

事實不就是這樣嗎？

So what do you think happens

因此你認為會發生什麼事

when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say,

當你拍著一位二十歲世代年輕人的頭說

"You have 10 extra years to start your life"?

「你的人生還有十年才開始」

什麼也不會發生

Nothing happens.

你剝奪了那個人的迫切感和雄心

You have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition,

and absolutely nothing happens.

不會發生任何結果

And then every day, smart, interesting twentysomethings

日復一日地這些聰明有趣的二十歲世代

like you or like your sons and daughters

如同你們或你們的子女

come into my office and say things like this:

前來我辦公室說類似以下的話

"I know my boyfriend's no good for me,

「我知道我男友不適合我」

but this relationship doesn't count. I'm just killing time."

「但這段感情不能當真，只是打發時間罷了」

Or they say, "Everybody says as long as I get started

或是，「每個人都說，我只要」

on a career by the time I'm 30, I'll be fine."

「在30歲前展開事業就沒問題」

But then it starts to sound like this:

但之後他們開始這麼說：

"My 20s are almost over, and I have nothing to show for myself.

「我二字頭的人生即將結束但我卻一事無成」

I had a better résumé the day after I graduated from college."

「我最好從大學畢業那天就開始投履歷表」

And then it starts to sound like this:

然後他們開始這麼說：

"Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs.

「二十多歲時的約會就像玩大風吹」

Everybody was running around and having fun,

「大家四處遊蕩、樂在其中」

but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off

「但30歲左右音樂逐漸停止」

and everybody started sitting down.

「大家開始就座」

I didn't want to be the only one left standing up,

「我不想成為唯一站著的人」

so sometimes I think I married my husband

「因此有時我覺得和丈夫結婚」

because he was the closest chair to me at 30."

「只因為他是30歲時離我最近的椅子」

Where are the twentysomethings here?

我們當中二十幾歲的年輕人們？

Do not do that.

千萬別這麼做

(Laughter)

Okay, now that sounds a little flip, but make no mistake,

好，聽起來像是說笑，但別誤會

the stakes are very high.

其中的風險極大

當許多事延宕到三十歲的時候

When a lot has been pushed to your 30s,

there is enormous thirtysomething pressure

將造成三十歲世代極大的壓力

to jump-start a career, pick a city, partner up,

展開事業、選擇居住地、尋找伴侶

and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time.

在極短時間內生兩三個孩子

Many of these things are incompatible,

這些事大多無法同時兼顧

and as research is just starting to show,

如近期研究結果顯示

simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.

在三十世代同時完成這些事

難度和壓力將變得更大

The post-millennial midlife crisis isn't buying a red sports car.

千禧年後的中年危機

不在於是否買輛紅色跑車

It's realizing you can't have that career you now want.

而在於意識到無法擁有目前想要的事業

It's realizing you can't have that child you now want,

在於意識到無法生出這時候所想要的孩子

or you can't give your child a sibling.

或無法替孩子生出兄弟姊妹

Too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings

太多三十歲世代及四十歲世代的人

look at themselves, and at me, sitting across the room,

看看自己然後望著坐在房間另一頭的我

and say about their 20s,

開始談論起他們的二十歲生活

"What was I doing? What was I thinking?"

「我當時在做什麼？在想什麼？」

I want to change what twentysomethings are doing and thinking.

我希望改變二十歲世代的

做法和想法

Here's a story about how that can go.

以下是關於如何著手的故事

It's a story about a woman named Emma.

這是關於一位名叫Emma的女子的故事

At 25, Emma came to my office

25歲時，Emma來到我辦公室

because she was, in her words, having an identity crisis.

因為她－根據她的說法－她正經歷身份危機

她說她認為自己或許想從事藝術

She said she thought she might like to work in art or entertainment,

或娛樂工作，但尚未下定決心

but she hadn't decided yet,

so she'd spent the last few years waiting tables instead.

因此過去幾年她暫時擔任餐飲服務生

為了省錢，她和男友同居

Because it was cheaper, she lived with a boyfriend

who displayed his temper more than his ambition.

他展現脾氣的能力更勝於雄心

And as hard as her 20s were,

儘管她的二十歲生活充滿艱辛

her early life had been even harder.

她之前的生活更是困難重重

她經常於會談中哭泣

She often cried in our sessions,

but then would collect herself by saying,

但恢復平靜後，她說

"You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends."

「你無法選擇家庭，但可以選擇朋友」

Well one day, Emma comes in and she hangs her head in her lap,

某天，Emma走進辦公室

把頭倚在膝蓋上

and she sobbed for most of the hour.

哭了將近一個小時

She'd just bought a new address book,

她剛買了一本新通訊錄

and she'd spent the morning filling in her many contacts,

她花了整個上午填寫連絡人資料

but then she'd been left staring at that empty blank

但接著她茫然地盯著

that comes after the words

以下文字後的空白

"In case of emergency, please call ..."

「發生緊急情況時，請撥打…」

She was nearly hysterical when she looked at me and said,

她幾乎是歇斯底里地看著我說

"Who's going to be there for me if I get in a car wreck?

「如果出車禍，誰會陪在我身邊？」

Who's going to take care of me if I have cancer?"

「如果得癌症，誰會照顧我？」

Now in that moment, it took everything I had

當時，我費盡心力

not to say, "I will."

才忍住說「我會」的衝動

但 Emma 需要的並非一位

But what Emma needed wasn't some therapist who really, really cared.

對她關懷備至的治療師

Emma needed a better life, and I knew this was her chance.

Emma 需要更好的生活 我知道這是她的機會

I had learned too much since I first worked with Alex

自從治療 Alex 後，我學到很多

to just sit there while Emma's defining decade

我不會坐視 Emma 的決定性十年

白白流逝

went parading by.

So over the next weeks and months,

因此接下來幾週、幾個月中

I told Emma three things

我告訴 Emma

三件每位二十歲世代年輕人

that every twentysomething, male or female,

deserves to hear.

無論男女都該聆聽的忠告

First, I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisis

首先，我要Emma忘了她的身份危機

and get some identity capital.

累積一些身份資本

By "get identity capital,"

至於累積身份資本，我指的是進行某些

I mean do something that adds value to who you are.

增加自我價值的事

Do something that's an investment

進行某些投資

in who you might want to be next.

以達成理想中的自己

I didn't know the future of Emma's career,

我不知道 Emma 的工作前景

and no one knows the future of work,

沒人知道任何工作的前景 但我確實知道這一點：

but I do know this:

Identity capital begets identity capital.

身份資本將衍生身份資本

So now is the time for that cross-country job,

因此此時正是接受那份跨國工作

that internship, that startup you want to try.

那份實習職位和你想嘗試的創業的時機

I'm not discounting twentysomething exploration here,

我並非反對二十歲世代進行探索

but I am discounting exploration that's not supposed to count,

但我不贊同無意義的探索

順帶一提，那並非探索

which, by the way, is not exploration.

That's procrastination.

而是浪費時間

I told Emma to explore work and make it count.

我要 Emma 進行有意義的工作探索

Second, I told Emma that the urban tribe is overrated.

其次，我告訴Emma人們高估了城市部落（Urban Tribes）

Best friends are great for giving rides to the airport,

好友是載你去機場的絕佳人選

but twentysomethings who huddle together with like-minded peers

但二十世代年輕人常聚集的對象

在於志同道合的同齡族群，侷限於相識者

limit who they know,

彼此知道的事相似的思考模式和說話方式

what they know, how they think,

how they speak, and where they work.

及工作地點

That new piece of capital, that new person to date

新資本、新約會對象

almost always comes from outside the inner circle.

幾乎總是來自圈外

New things come from what are called our weak ties,

新事物來自我們所謂的弱連結

our friends of friends of friends.

例如朋友的朋友的朋友

So yes, half of twentysomethings are un- or under-employed.

因此－沒錯，半數二十多歲的人並未就業或擁有全職工作

But half aren't,

但其中一半並非如此，弱連結正是

and weak ties are how you get yourself into that group.

使你加入那個族群的方式

Half of new jobs are never posted,

半數新職位不曾公佈

so reaching out to your neighbor's boss is how you get that unposted job.

因此接觸鄰居的老闆

正是得到那份未公佈工作的方法

It's not cheating. It's the science of how information spreads.

這並非投機，而是資訊傳播原理

Last but not least, Emma believed

最後，同樣重要的是，Emma 認為

that you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends.

你無法選擇家庭，但可以選擇朋友

Now this was true for her growing up,

以她的成長經歷來說確實如此

but as a twentysomething, soon Emma would pick her family

但作為一個二十多歲的年輕人 Emma 很快就得選擇自己的家庭

當她和某人結為連理

when she partnered with someone and created a family of her own.

建立屬於自己的家庭

我告訴 Emma 此時正是她選擇家庭的時機

I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now.

Now you may be thinking that 30 is actually a better time to settle down

你或許認為30歲是

較適當的成家時機

than 20, or even 25,

相較於20歲，甚至25歲

and I agree with you.

我同意這一點

But grabbing whoever you're living with or sleeping with

但套牢某個和你同居或上床的人

when everyone on Facebook starts walking down the aisle

當所有Facebook上的朋友開始步入禮堂時

is not progress.

這並非達成某項進展

The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one,

經營婚姻的最佳時機

正是結婚前

and that means being as intentional with love

這是指用心看待愛情

as you are with work.

如同看待工作般

Picking your family is about consciously choosing

家庭的選擇是有意識的選擇

who and what you want

選擇你想要的人和生活

rather than just making it work or killing time

而非僅是達成目標或打發時間

與恰巧選擇你的人

with whoever happens to be choosing you.

So what happened to Emma?

Emma 的後續情況如何？

好，我們翻閱那本通訊錄

Well, we went through that address book,

她發現一位前室友的親戚

and she found an old roommate's cousin

who worked at an art museum in another state.

任職於他州的藝術博物館

That weak tie helped her get a job there.

那個弱連結協助她在當地找到一份工作

That job offer gave her the reason to leave that live-in boyfriend.

那份工作給了她

離開同居男友的理由

5年後的今天她成了博物館特殊活動規劃者

Now, five years later, she's a special events planner for museums.

她與一位用心選擇的人結婚

She's married to a man she mindfully chose.

She loves her new career, she loves her new family,

她愛她的新職業，她愛她的新家庭

她寄給我一張卡片，上面寫著

and she sent me a card that said,

"Now the emergency contact blanks

「現在緊急連絡人一欄」

don't seem big enough."

「似乎不夠大了」

Now Emma's story made that sound easy,

Emma 的故事使這件事顯得輕而易舉

but that's what I love about working with twentysomethings.

但這就是我喜愛輔導二十歲世代的原因

They are so easy to help.

幫助他們十分容易

Twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving LAX,

二十歲的世代就像剛離開洛杉磯國際機場的飛機

bound for somewhere west.

準備前往西岸某處

Right after takeoff, a slight change in course

起飛後，航線稍微偏移

is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji.

即降落阿拉斯加或斐濟的差別

Likewise, at 21 or 25 or even 29,

同樣地，在21或25歲，甚至29歲

one good conversation, one good break,

一場有益的談話、一次充分的休息

one good TED Talk, can have an enormous effect

一場卓越的TED演講，都將造成極大影響

across years and even generations to come.

對未來幾年、甚至幾代來說

So here's an idea worth spreading

因此這是一個值得分享的想法

to every twentysomething you know.

去分享給每位你所認識的二十歲世代

It's as simple as what I learned to say to Alex.

這就像我於 Alex 的會談中所領悟到的道理一樣容易

It's what I now have the privilege

這就是我現在有幸能

of saying to twentysomethings like Emma every single day:

時時給予像 Emma 這樣的二十歲世代的忠告

Thirty is not the new 20, so claim your adulthood,

二十歲的人生不能在三十歲重來因此把握你的成年期

get some identity capital, use your weak ties,

累積一些身份資本，利用你的弱連結

pick your family.

選擇你的家庭

Don't be defined by what you didn't know

別受限於你不知道

or didn't do.

或不曾做過的事

此刻你正在決定你的人生

You're deciding your life right now.

Thank you.

謝謝

(Applause)

（掌聲）