The danger of hiding who you are | Morgana Bailey

Prevodilac: Ljiljana Ikodinovic Lektor: Ivana Korom

When I was young, I prided myself as a nonconformist

Kada sam bila mlada, ponosila sam se sobom kao nekonformistom

in the conservative U.S. state I live in, Kansas.

koji živi u konzervativnoj državi SAD-a - Kanzasu.

I didn't follow along with the crowd.

Nisam radila što i većina,

I wasn't afraid to try weird clothing trends or hairstyles.

nisam se bojala da isprobam neobične trendove u oblačenju ili frizure.

I was outspoken and extremely social.

Bila sam otvorena i izrazito društvena.

Even these pictures and postcards of my London semester abroad 16 years ago

Čak i ove fotografije i razglednice sa mog semestra u Londonu, od pre 16 godina,

show that I obviously didn't care if I was perceived as weird or different.

pokazuju da očigledno nisam marila

da li će me drugi smatrati čudnom ili drugačijom.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

But that same year I was in London, 16 years ago,

Ali te iste godine, kada sam bila u Londonu, pre 16 godina,

I realized something about myself that actually was somewhat unique,

shvatila sam o sebi nešto što je bilo prilično jedinstveno,

and that changed everything.

i to je promenilo sve.

I became the opposite of who I thought I once was.

Postala sam suprotnost onome što sam o sebi ranije mislila.

I stayed in my room instead of socializing.

Ostajala sam u svojoj sobi umesto da se družim.

I stopped engaging in clubs and leadership activities.

Prestala sam da učestvujem u klubovima i aktivnostima koje uključuju vođstvo.

I didn't want to stand out in the crowd anymore.

Nisam više želela da se izdvajam iz gomile.

I told myself it was because I was growing up and maturing,

Govorila sam sebi da je to posledica odrastanja i sazrevanja,

not that I was suddenly looking for acceptance.

a ne jer sam iznenada tražila prihvatanje.

I had always assumed I was immune to needing acceptance.

Oduvek sam smatrala da sam na tu potrebu imuna.

After all, I was a bit unconventional.

Na kraju krajeva, bila sam donekle nekonvencionalna.

But I realize now

Ali sada mi je jasno

that the moment I realized something was different about me

da je trenutak u kojem sam shvatila da sam po nečemu drugačija

was the exact same moment that I began conforming and hiding.

bio baš isti trenutak u kojem sam počela se uklapam i krijem.

Hiding is a progressive habit,

Skrivanje je navika koja napreduje,

and once you start hiding,

i kada jednom počnete da se krijete,

it becomes harder and harder to step forward and speak out.

postaje sve teže i teže da istupite i kažete svoje mišljenje.

In fact, even now,

Zapravo, čak i sada,

when I was talking to people about what this talk was about,

kada sam ljudima pričala o temi ovog govora,

I made up a cover story

izmislila sam priču kojom bih zabašurila istinu.

and I even hid the truth about my TED Talk.

I čak sam sakrila istinu o mom TED govoru.

So it is fitting and scary

Tako da je prikladno i zastrašujuće

that I have returned to this city 16 years later

to što sam se nakon 16 godina vratila u ovaj grad

and I have chosen this stage to finally stop hiding.

i što sam izabrala ovu pozornicu da konačno prestanem da se krijem.

What have I been hiding for 16 years?

Šta sam to krila 16 godina?

I am a lesbian.

Ja sam lezbejka.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

Thank you.

Hvala.

I've struggled to say those words,

Opirala sam se izgovaranju ovih reči,

because I didn't want to be defined by them.

jer nisam želela da me one definišu.

Every time I would think about coming out in the past,

Svaki put kada bih u prošlosti razmišljala o sopstvenom razotkrivanju

I would think to myself, but I just want to be known as Morgana,

govorila bih sebi da ja samo želim da me znaju kao Morganu

uniquely Morgana,

i samo kao Morganu,

but not "my lesbian friend Morgana," or "my gay coworker Morgana."

a ne kao: "moju prijateljicu lezbejku Morganu",

ili: "moju gej koleginicu Morganu".

Just Morgana.

Samo kao Morganu.

For those of you from large metropolitan areas,

Onima od vas koji žive u velikim gradovima,

this may not seem like a big deal to you.

ovo se možda ne čini naročito važnim.

It may seem strange that I have suppressed the truth

Možda vam je čudno što sam potiskivala istinu

and hidden this for so long.

i ovo sakrivala tako dugo.

But I was paralyzed by my fear of not being accepted.

Ali ja sam bila paralizovana strahom od neprihvatanja.

And I'm not alone, of course.

I u ovome, naravno, nisam usamljena.

A 2013 Deloitte study found that a surprisingly large number of people

Istraživanje Delojta iz 2013. pokazuje da iznenađujuće veliki broj ljudi

hide aspects of their identity.

krije neki vid sopstvenog identiteta.

Of all the employees they surveyed,

Od svih zaposlenih koje su anketirali,

61 percent reported changing an aspect of their behavior or their appearance

61 procenat je izjavio kako su delimično izmenili svoje ponašanje ili pojavu

in order to fit in at work.

kako bi se bolje uklopili na radnom mestu.

Of all the gay, lesbian and bisexual employees,

Od svih zaposlenih koji su gej, lezbejke i biseksualci,

83 percent admitted to changing some aspects of themselves

83 procenata ih je priznalo kako su kod sebe nešto promenili

so they would not appear at work "too gay."

kako se na poslu ne bi činili "suviše gej".

The study found that even in companies

Istraživanje je pokazalo da je čak i u kompanijama

with diversity policies and inclusion programs,

sa politikom raznovrsnosti i programima uključivanja,

employees struggle to be themselves at work

zaposlenima teško da na poslu budu ono što jesu

because they believe conformity is critical

jer veruju da je konformizam od ključne važnosti

to their long-term career advancement.

za dugoročno napredovanje na poslu.

And while I was surprised that so many people just like me

Bila sam iznenađena što tako mnogo ljudi, baš kao i ja

waste so much energy trying to hide themselves,

troši toliko energije pokušavajući da se sakrije

I was scared when I discovered that my silence

ali sam se uplašila kada sam otkrila da moja ćutnja

has life-or-death consequences and long-term social repercussions.

za posledicu ima život ili smrt,

kao i dugoročne negativne društvene posledice.

Dvanaest godina:

Twelve years:

the length by which life expectancy is shortened

vreme za koje je skraćen očekivani životni vek

for gay, lesbian and bisexual people in highly anti-gay communities

gej, lezbejki i biseksualaca u izrazito anti-gej sredinama

compared to accepting communities.

u poređenju sa sredinama koje ih prihvataju.

Twelve years reduced life expectancy.

Dvanaest godina kraći očekivani životni vek.

When I read that in The Advocate magazine this year,

Kada sam, ove godine, to pročitala u časopisu "The Advocate",

I realized I could no longer afford to keep silent.

uvidela sam da više ne mogu sebi da priuštim ćutnju.

The effects of personal stress and social stigmas are a deadly combination.

Uticaj ličnog stresa i društvenog žigosanja su smrtonosna kombinacija.

The study found that gays in anti-gay communities

Istraživanje je pokazalo da među homoseksualcima u anti-gej sredinama

had higher rates of heart disease, violence and suicide.

postoji viši nivo srčanih obolenja, nasilja i samoubistava.

What I once thought was simply a personal matter

Ono što sam ranije smatrala ličnom stvari

I realized had a ripple effect

imalo je, kako sam shvatila, ciklični efekat

that went into the workplace and out into the community

koji se širio na radno mesto i u zajednicu

for every story just like mine.

za svaku priču poput moje.

My choice to hide and not share who I really am

Moja odluka da se krijem i ne otkrijem ko sam zaista

may have inadvertently contributed to this exact same environment

je možda nehotice doprinela upravo takvom okruženju

and atmosphere of discrimination.

i atmosferi diskriminacije.

I'd always told myself there's no reason to share that I was gay,

Oduvek sam govorila sebi da nema razloga da otkrijem da sam gej,

but the idea that my silence has social consequences

ali kakve društvene posledice nosi moja ćutnja

was really driven home this year when I missed an opportunity

duboko sam shvatila ove godine kada sam propustila priliku

to change the atmosphere of discrimination in my own home state of Kansas.

da promenim atmosferu diskriminacije u Kanzasu - mojoj rodnoj državi.

In February, the Kansas House of Representatives brought up a bill for vote

Predstavnički dom je u februaru na glasanje stavio predlog zakona

that would have essentially allowed businesses

koji bi, u osnovi, dozvoljavao preduzećima

to use religious freedom as a reason to deny gays services.

da koriste slobodu religije kao osnovu odbijanja da usluže homoseksualce.

A former coworker and friend of mine

Otac moje prijateljice i bivše koleginice

has a father who serves in the Kansas House of Representatives.

je član Predstavničkog doma.

He voted in favor of the bill,

On je glasao za predlog zakona,

in favor of a law that would allow businesses to not serve me.

u korist zakona koji bi dozvolio preduzećima da mene ne usluže.

How does my friend feel

Šta moja prijateljica oseća

about lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning people?

prema lezbejkama, gejevima, biseksualcima, transrodnima,

kvir i onima koji se preispituju?

How does her father feel?

Šta o njima misli njen otac?

I don't know, because I was never honest with them about who I am.

Ne znam, jer im nikada nisam iskreno rekla ko sam.

And that shakes me to the core.

I to me uznemirava do same srži.

What if I had told her my story years ago?

A šta da sam joj pre više godina ispričala sopstvenu priču?

Could she have told her father my experience?

Da li bi mogla da moje iskustvo prenese svom ocu?

Could I have ultimately helped change his vote?

Da li sam ja, na kraju mogla da pomognem da izmeni način na koji je glasao?

I will never know,

Nikada neću saznati,

and that made me realize I had done nothing

i to me je navelo da shvatim da nisam učinila ništa

to try to make a difference.

kako bih pokušala da izmenim stvari.

How ironic that I work in human resources,

Koliko je ironično to što radim u ljudskim resursima,

a profession that works to welcome,

zanimanju čiji je posao da dočeka,

connect and encourage the development of employees,

poveže i ohrabri razvoj zaposlenih,

a profession that advocates that the diversity of society

profesiji koja se zalaže da se raznolikost društva

should be reflected in the workplace,

odslikava na radnom mestu,

and yet I have done nothing to advocate for diversity.

a ipak, ja nisam učinila ništa kako bih podržala raznolikost.

When I came to this company one year ago,

Kada sam, pre godinu dana, došla u ovo preduzeće,

I thought to myself, this company has anti-discrimination policies

mislila sam: ovo preduzeće ima antidiskriminacionu politiku

that protect gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people.

koja štiti gej, lezbejke, biseksualce i transrodne.

Their commitment to diversity is evident through their global inclusion programs.

Njihova posvećenost različitosti se ogleda

u njihovim globalnim programima uključenja.

When I walk through the doors of this company, I will finally come out.

Kada prođem kroz vrata ovog preduzeća,

konačno ću javno priznati svoju homoseksualnost.

But I didn't.

Ali nisam.

Instead of taking advantage of the opportunity,

Umesto da iskoristim mogućnost,

I did nothing.

nisam učinila ništa.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

When I was looking through my London journal and scrapbook

Kada sam pregledala moj londonski dnevnik i album

from my London semester abroad 16 years ago,

sa mog londonskog semestra u inostranstvu od pre 16 godina,

I came across this modified quote from Toni Morrison's book, "Paradise."

naišla sam na ovaj izmenjeni citat iz romana "Raj", autorke Toni Morison.

"There are more scary things inside than outside."

"Više je zastrašujućih stvari unutra nego napolju".

And then I wrote a note to myself at the bottom:

I tada sam na dnu stranice, napisala sebi poruku:

"Remember this."

"Zapamti ovo".

I'm sure I was trying to encourage myself to get out and explore London,

Sigurna sam da sam tako pokušavala da se ohrabrim da izađem i istražujem London

but the message I missed was the need to start exploring and embracing myself.

ali ono što sam propustila je potreba da počnem da istražujem i prihvatam sebe.

What I didn't realize until all these years later

Ono što, kroz sve naredne godine, nisam shvatala

is that the biggest obstacles I will ever have to overcome

je da su najveće prepreke koje ću ikada morati da prevaziđem

are my own fears and insecurities.

moji sopstveni strahovi i nesigurnosti.

I believe that by facing my fears inside, I will be able to change reality outside.

Verujem da ću, suočavajući se sa svojim unutrašnjim strahovima

biti sposobna da promenim spoljni svet.

I made a choice today

Danas sam donela odluku

to reveal a part of myself that I have hidden for too long.

da otkrijem deo sebe koji sam suviše dugo krila.

I hope that this means I will never hide again,

Nadam se da to znači da se više nikada neću kriti,

and I hope that by coming out today, I can do something to change the data

i nadam se da ću današnjim istupanjem

moći da uradim nešto na promeni podataka,

and also to help others who feel different be more themselves and more fulfilled

kao i da pomognem onima koji se osećaju drugačijima,

da budu više ono što jesu i da budu ispunjeniji

in both their professional and personal lives.

kako u profesionalnom tako i u privatnom životu.

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Aplauz)

(Applause)