The danger of hiding who you are | Morgana Bailey

翻译人员: Tingting Zhao 校对人员: Wei Wu

When I was young, I prided myself as a nonconformist

当我年轻的时候 我曾为自己能不墨守成规而感到骄傲

in the conservative U.S. state I live in, Kansas.

那时候我生活在保守的美国堪萨斯州

I didn't follow along with the crowd.

我不随大流

I wasn't afraid to try weird clothing trends or hairstyles.

勇敢尝试奇装异服和和怪异发型

I was outspoken and extremely social.

直言不讳, 而且勤于社交

Even these pictures and postcards of my London semester abroad 16 years ago

这是大约十六年前我出国在伦敦那学期的图片和明信片

show that I obviously didn't care if I was perceived as weird or different.

从这些也能看出 我完全不在乎是否会被觉得怪异或另类

(Laughter)

(笑声)

But that same year I was in London, 16 years ago,

但也就是同一年 十六年前在伦敦的那年

I realized something about myself that actually was somewhat unique,

我意识到自己的确有点特别

and that changed everything.

于是一切从此发生了改变

I became the opposite of who I thought I once was.

我变得与从前的自己判若两人

I stayed in my room instead of socializing.

自己待在房间而不再去社交

I stopped engaging in clubs and leadership activities.

终止了俱乐部和领导活动

I didn't want to stand out in the crowd anymore.

不再愿意在人多的时候突出自己

I told myself it was because I was growing up and maturing,

我告诉自己那只是因为 自己在长大和成熟

not that I was suddenly looking for acceptance.

而不是因为突然间开始寻找认同

I had always assumed I was immune to needing acceptance.

我曾经一度假定自己不需要被接纳

After all, I was a bit unconventional.

毕竟我是有点不那么传统

But I realize now

而现在我明白

that the moment I realized something was different about me

在我意识到自己有点特别的那一刻

was the exact same moment that I began conforming and hiding.

就是我循规蹈矩和隐藏自己的开始

Hiding is a progressive habit,

隐藏是一种逐步加强的习惯

and once you start hiding,

一旦你开始这样做了

it becomes harder and harder to step forward and speak out.

重新开始展示真实的自己就会变得越来越难

In fact, even now,

事实上， 即使不久前

when I was talking to people about what this talk was about,

在我和别人谈论这次演讲的时候

I made up a cover story

我其实也没有说出真实的内容

and I even hid the truth about my TED Talk.

我甚至隐瞒了我TED演讲的真相

So it is fitting and scary

我内心真的很害怕

that I have returned to this city 16 years later

十六年后，我回到这个城市

and I have chosen this stage to finally stop hiding.

选择这个舞台， 不再遮掩

What have I been hiding for 16 years?

那么， 十六年来我都在隐藏什么？

I am a lesbian.

我是一个同性恋

(Applause)

(掌声)

Thank you.

谢谢

I've struggled to say those words,

我挣扎着说出了这些字

because I didn't want to be defined by them.

因为我不想被它们所定义

Every time I would think about coming out in the past,

过去 每当我想要出柜

I would think to myself, but I just want to be known as Morgana,

我就会暗想，我只想做莫甘娜 （译注：演讲者自己）

uniquely Morgana,

那个独一无二的莫甘娜

but not "my lesbian friend Morgana," or "my gay coworker Morgana."

而不是“我的同性恋朋友莫甘娜” 或者”我的同性恋同事莫甘娜"

Just Morgana.

只是莫甘娜就好了

For those of you from large metropolitan areas,

对在座的那些来自大都市的人来说

this may not seem like a big deal to you.

这也许没什么

It may seem strange that I have suppressed the truth

也许我看起来很奇怪 压抑了这个真相

and hidden this for so long.

并且遮掩了如此之久

But I was paralyzed by my fear of not being accepted.

可不被接纳真的会让我恐惧到吓瘫

And I'm not alone, of course.

当然 不止我一个人这样

A 2013 Deloitte study found that a surprisingly large number of people

2013年德勤的一项研究发现 有惊人数目的人

hide aspects of their identity.

在自己的身份方面都有所隐藏

Of all the employees they surveyed,

在他们调查的全部雇员中

61 percent reported changing an aspect of their behavior or their appearance

61%的人报告为了适应工作

in order to fit in at work.

有改变过行为或外表的某个方面

Of all the gay, lesbian and bisexual employees,

在所有的男、女同性恋以及双性恋雇员中

83 percent admitted to changing some aspects of themselves

83%的人承认自己有过某些方面的改变

so they would not appear at work "too gay."

以使在工作场合不会表现的“过于同性恋”

The study found that even in companies

研究发现即使是在

with diversity policies and inclusion programs,

有着多元化政策与兼容并包性计划的公司

employees struggle to be themselves at work

雇员们也会为在工作场合做自己而斗争

because they believe conformity is critical

因为他们相信

to their long-term career advancement.

趋同对于长期的职业发展来说至关重要

And while I was surprised that so many people just like me

当我惊讶于如此多的人像我一样

waste so much energy trying to hide themselves,

浪费相当多精力去隐藏自己的同时

I was scared when I discovered that my silence

我也感到了恐惧—— 当我发现自己的沉默

has life-or-death consequences and long-term social repercussions.

会造成生死攸关的后果以及长远的社会影响

Twelve years:

十二年：

the length by which life expectancy is shortened

这个数字是那些在强烈反对同性恋社区中 生活的同性恋、双性恋者

for gay, lesbian and bisexual people in highly anti-gay communities

相对在接纳同性恋社区中

compared to accepting communities.

预期寿命的缩减量

Twelve years reduced life expectancy.

十二年的寿命缩减——

When I read that in The Advocate magazine this year,

今年 当我在Advocate杂志上看到这个时

I realized I could no longer afford to keep silent.

我意识到自己不能再继续沉默下去了

The effects of personal stress and social stigmas are a deadly combination.

个人压力和社会偏见的效果结合乃是致命的

The study found that gays in anti-gay communities

研究发现 在反同性恋社区中生活的同性恋者

had higher rates of heart disease, violence and suicide.

出现心脏病 暴力 自杀的比例会更高

What I once thought was simply a personal matter

我意识到 自己之前以为只是个人事件的

I realized had a ripple effect

其实具有涟漪效应

that went into the workplace and out into the community

它们进入工作场合 影响到社区生活

for every story just like mine.

就像每一个与我类似的故事那样

My choice to hide and not share who I really am

我隐藏真实自己的这一选择

may have inadvertently contributed to this exact same environment

也许无意间也助长了那些同样的

and atmosphere of discrimination.

带有歧视的环境和氛围

I'd always told myself there's no reason to share that I was gay,

我曾一直告诉自己说 我没有理由分享我是同性恋的事实

but the idea that my silence has social consequences

沉默的社会效应

was really driven home this year when I missed an opportunity

这个想法直到今年才闪入我的脑中

to change the atmosphere of discrimination in my own home state of Kansas.

当时 我错过了一个在家乡堪萨斯州 改善歧视氛围的机会

In February, the Kansas House of Representatives brought up a bill for vote

二月份 堪萨斯州众议院提出一项法案待表决

that would have essentially allowed businesses

原则上允许企业以宗教自由为名

to use religious freedom as a reason to deny gays services.

拒绝对同性恋者提供服务

A former coworker and friend of mine

我之前的一位同事兼朋友的父亲

has a father who serves in the Kansas House of Representatives.

在众议院工作

He voted in favor of the bill,

他对这项法案投赞成票

in favor of a law that would allow businesses to not serve me.

支持这个允许企业拒绝对我提供服务的方案

How does my friend feel

我的朋友对男、女同性恋、双性者、变性者

about lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning people?

对这些奇怪的、被质疑的人如何想呢？

How does her father feel?

她的父亲又如何觉得呢？

I don't know, because I was never honest with them about who I am.

我不知道 因为我从来没有 向他们坦白我是同性恋的事实

And that shakes me to the core.

而这一点动摇了我的内心

What if I had told her my story years ago?

如果我许多年前告诉她会怎么样呢

Could she have told her father my experience?

她会告诉她父亲我的经历么？

Could I have ultimately helped change his vote?

我可以最终使得他改变态度么？

I will never know,

我不会知道了

and that made me realize I had done nothing

而这件事让我意识到

to try to make a difference.

自己没有为改变做任何努力

How ironic that I work in human resources,

多讽刺啊，我从事人力资源的工作

a profession that works to welcome,

一个欢迎、联合并鼓励

connect and encourage the development of employees,

员工发展的职业

a profession that advocates that the diversity of society

一个提倡在工作场合

should be reflected in the workplace,

响应社会多元化的职业

and yet I have done nothing to advocate for diversity.

但是我没有做任何事情去倡导这种多元化

When I came to this company one year ago,

一年前当我走进这家公司的时候

I thought to myself, this company has anti-discrimination policies

我心里暗想 这家公司有反歧视的政策

that protect gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people.

用来保护同性恋者 双性恋者和变性者

Their commitment to diversity is evident through their global inclusion programs.

他们对多元文化的承诺已经在 全球的兼容并包性计划中得以应证

When I walk through the doors of this company, I will finally come out.

当我走进这家公司大门 我终于可以出柜了

But I didn't.

但我没有

Instead of taking advantage of the opportunity,

我没有利用这个机会

I did nothing.

什么都没有做

(Applause)

(掌声)

When I was looking through my London journal and scrapbook

当我回味十六年前在伦敦那学期的

from my London semester abroad 16 years ago,

伦敦杂志和剪贴簿的时候

I came across this modified quote from Toni Morrison's book, "Paradise."

偶然发现了一句来自托妮 莫里森的著作“乐园”中的引用

"There are more scary things inside than outside."

大概是说 “源自我们内心的恐惧远比来自外界的多"

And then I wrote a note to myself at the bottom:

我在最下面为自己写下了这样的话

"Remember this."

“铭记”

I'm sure I was trying to encourage myself to get out and explore London,

我确信当时我是在鼓励自己走出去 探索伦敦

but the message I missed was the need to start exploring and embracing myself.

但我错过的是开始探寻和拥抱自己的需求

What I didn't realize until all these years later

直到这么多年后我才明白

is that the biggest obstacles I will ever have to overcome

我需要克服的最大障碍

are my own fears and insecurities.

永远是自身的恐惧和不安

I believe that by facing my fears inside, I will be able to change reality outside.

我相信通过正视自己内心的恐惧 我将能够改变外界的现状

I made a choice today

今天 我做了选择

to reveal a part of myself that I have hidden for too long.

揭示隐藏了许久的那部分自己

I hope that this means I will never hide again,

我希望这意味着 我再也不会隐藏

and I hope that by coming out today, I can do something to change the data

我希望通过今天的出柜 我可以为改变那个数字（12年）做一些事情

and also to help others who feel different be more themselves and more fulfilled

帮助那些感觉到不同的人 在他们的工作和生活中

in both their professional and personal lives.

做得更像他们自己 更为满足

Thank you.

谢谢

(Applause)

(掌声)