The danger of hiding who you are | Morgana Bailey

Prevoditelj: Anja Kolobarić Recezent: Ivan Stamenković

When I was young, I prided myself as a nonconformist

Kad sam bila mlada, ponosila sam se svojim nekonformizmom

in the conservative U.S. state I live in, Kansas.

dok sam živjela u konzervativnoj američkoj državi,Kansasu.

I didn't follow along with the crowd.

Nisam slijedila gomilu.

I wasn't afraid to try weird clothing trends or hairstyles.

Nisam se ustručavala isprobati čudne modne trendove i frizure.

I was outspoken and extremely social.

Bila sam otvorena i iznimno društvena.

Even these pictures and postcards of my London semester abroad 16 years ago

Čak i ove slike i razglednice s razmjene u Londonu prije 16 godina

show that I obviously didn't care if I was perceived as weird or different.

pokazuju da me očito nije bilo briga što su svi na mene gledali kao na čudakinju.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

But that same year I was in London, 16 years ago,

Ali te iste godine kad sam bila u Londonu, prije 16 godina,

I realized something about myself that actually was somewhat unique,

shvatila sam nešto o sebi što je bilo jedinstveno, i to

and that changed everything.

je promijenilo sve.

I became the opposite of who I thought I once was.

Postala sam svoja suprotnost.

I stayed in my room instead of socializing.

Zatvorila sam se u sobu umjesto da sam se družila s ljudima.

I stopped engaging in clubs and leadership activities.

Prestala sam ići u noćne klubove i biti vođa u aktivnostima.

I didn't want to stand out in the crowd anymore.

Nisam se više htjela isticati.

I told myself it was because I was growing up and maturing,

Rekla sam si da je to zato što odrastam i sazrijevam, a ne

not that I was suddenly looking for acceptance.

zato što sam iznenada tražila prihvaćanje.

I had always assumed I was immune to needing acceptance.

Uvijek sam mislila da mi ne treba tuđe prihvaćanje.

After all, I was a bit unconventional.

Ipak sam bila nekonvencionalna.

But I realize now

Ali sada shvaćam

that the moment I realized something was different about me

da sam u istom onom trenutku u kojem sam shvatila da se nešto na meni promijenilo

was the exact same moment that I began conforming and hiding.

počela bježati u konformizam i skrivati se.

Hiding is a progressive habit,

Skrivanje je progresivna navika i kad je

and once you start hiding,

jednom počnete prakticirati,

it becomes harder and harder to step forward and speak out.

sve je teže i teže ustati iz gomile i progovoriti.

In fact, even now,

Zapravo, čak i sad

when I was talking to people about what this talk was about,

kad sam ljudima govorila o tome o čemu ću pričati u ovom govoru,

I made up a cover story

izmislila sam priču

and I even hid the truth about my TED Talk.

i čak sam skriila istinu o svom TED-govoru.

So it is fitting and scary

Stoga je zastrašujuće

that I have returned to this city 16 years later

da sam se vratila u ovaj grad nakon 16 godina

and I have chosen this stage to finally stop hiding.

i izabrala ovu pozornicu da se konačno prestanem skrivati.

What have I been hiding for 16 years?

Što sam skrivala 16 godina?

I am a lesbian.

Ja sam lezbijka.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

I've struggled to say those words,

Mučila sam se tim riječima

because I didn't want to be defined by them.

jer nisam htjela da me definiraju.

Every time I would think about coming out in the past,

U prošlosti, svaki put kad bih razmišljala o deklariranju,

I would think to myself, but I just want to be known as Morgana,

pomislila bih, ali ja samo želim biti Morgana,

uniquely Morgana,

samo Morgana,

but not "my lesbian friend Morgana," or "my gay coworker Morgana."

a ne "moja prijateljica lezbijka Morgana", ili "moja gay-kolegica Morgana".

Just Morgana.

Samo Morgana.

For those of you from large metropolitan areas,

Za vas iz velegradskih područja

this may not seem like a big deal to you.

ovo se možda ne čini kao velika stvar.

It may seem strange that I have suppressed the truth

Može vam biti čudno da sam potiskivala istinu

and hidden this for so long.

i ovoliko je dugo skrivala.

But I was paralyzed by my fear of not being accepted.

Ali strah od neprihvaćanja me paralizirao.

And I'm not alone, of course.

Naravno, nisam jedina.

A 2013 Deloitte study found that a surprisingly large number of people

Deloitte istraživanje iz 2013. otkrilo je da iznenađujuće velik broj ljudi

hide aspects of their identity.

skriva određene aspekte svoje osobnosti.

Of all the employees they surveyed,

Od svih zaposlenika koje su ispitali

61 percent reported changing an aspect of their behavior or their appearance

61 % izjavio je da mijenja neki aspekt ponašanja ili izgleda

in order to fit in at work.

kako bi se uklopio na radno mjesto.

Of all the gay, lesbian and bisexual employees,

Od svih homoseksualnih, lezbijskih i biseksualnih zaposlenika

83 percent admitted to changing some aspects of themselves

83 % priznalo je da mijenja određene aspekte svoje ličnosti

so they would not appear at work "too gay."

kako se na poslu ne bi doimali "previše gay".

The study found that even in companies

Istraživanje je otkrilo da čak i u tvrtkama

with diversity policies and inclusion programs,

s politikom raznolikosti i programima inkluzije

employees struggle to be themselves at work

zaposlenici teško mogu biti ono što jesu na poslu

because they believe conformity is critical

jer vjeruju da je konformizam ključan

to their long-term career advancement.

za njihov dugoročan napredak u karijeri.

And while I was surprised that so many people just like me

Iako me iznenadilo da toliko ljudi, poput mene,

waste so much energy trying to hide themselves,

bespotrebno troši energiju pokušavajući skriti sebe,

I was scared when I discovered that my silence

uplašila sam se kada sam otkrila da moja šutnja

has life-or-death consequences and long-term social repercussions.

ima posljedice po pitanju života ili smrti i dugoročne socijalne odjeke.

Twelve years:

Dvanaest godina:

the length by which life expectancy is shortened

toliko je skraćen očekivani životni vijek

for gay, lesbian and bisexual people in highly anti-gay communities

homoseksualaca, lezbijki ili biseksualaca u visoko homofobnim zajednicama

compared to accepting communities.

u usporedbi s onim nehomofobnim.

Twelve years reduced life expectancy.

Dvanaest godina manje.

When I read that in The Advocate magazine this year,

Kada sam to ove godine pročitala u časopisu "The Advocate",

I realized I could no longer afford to keep silent.

shvatila sam da si više ne mogu priuštiti šutnju.

The effects of personal stress and social stigmas are a deadly combination.

Efekti osobnog stresa i društvene stigme ubojita su kombinacija.

The study found that gays in anti-gay communities

Istraživanje je otkrilo da homoseksualci u homofobnim zajednicama

had higher rates of heart disease, violence and suicide.

imaju više stope oboljenja od bolesti srca, za nasilje i samoubojstvo.

What I once thought was simply a personal matter

Shvatila sam da ono za što sam mislila da je osobna stvar

I realized had a ripple effect

ima domino-učinak koji se

that went into the workplace and out into the community

proteže od radnog mjesta do društvene zajednice

for every story just like mine.

za svaku priču nalik mojoj.

My choice to hide and not share who I really am

Moj izbor za skrivanjem i nedjeljenjem dijela sebe

may have inadvertently contributed to this exact same environment

možda su nehotice doprinijeli ovoj okolini

and atmosphere of discrimination.

i atmosferi diskriminacije.

I'd always told myself there's no reason to share that I was gay,

Uvijek sam si govorila da nema razloga da pričam okolo da sam gay,

but the idea that my silence has social consequences

ali pomisao da moja šutnja ima društvene posljedice

was really driven home this year when I missed an opportunity

stvarno mi je sjela u glavu ove godine kada sam propustila priliku

to change the atmosphere of discrimination in my own home state of Kansas.

da promijenim tu atmosferu diskriminacije u mojoj rodnoj državi, Kansasu.

In February, the Kansas House of Representatives brought up a bill for vote

U veljači Predstavnički dom kongresa Kansasa predložio je zakon

that would have essentially allowed businesses

koji bi dozvolio trgovinama da

to use religious freedom as a reason to deny gays services.

koriste religijsku slobodu kao razlog za uskraćivanje usluga homoseksualcima.

A former coworker and friend of mine

Bivša kolegica i prijateljica

has a father who serves in the Kansas House of Representatives.

ima oca koji sjedi u tom predstavničkom domu.

He voted in favor of the bill,

On je glasao ZA taj prijedlog,

in favor of a law that would allow businesses to not serve me.

ZA zakon koji bi trgovinama dozvolio da me ne usluže.

How does my friend feel

Što moja prijateljica misli o lezbijkama, homoseksualcima,

about lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning people?

biseksualcima, transeksualcima, transtrodnima i onima koji se još traže?

How does her father feel?

Što njen otac misli?

I don't know, because I was never honest with them about who I am.

Ne znam jer im nikad nisam rekla tko sam ja.

And that shakes me to the core.

I to me duboko potresa.

What if I had told her my story years ago?

Što bi bilo da sam joj davno ispričala svoju priču?

Could she have told her father my experience?

Možda bi ona rekla svome ocu o mojim iskustvima?

Could I have ultimately helped change his vote?

Možda sam ja mogla pomoći promijeniti njegov glas?

I will never know,

Nikad neću znati

and that made me realize I had done nothing

i to mi je pomoglo da shvatim da nisam napravila baš ništa

to try to make a difference.

da pokušam nešto promijeniti.

How ironic that I work in human resources,

Ironično je da radim u odjelu ljudskih resursa,

a profession that works to welcome,

profesija kojoj je cilj dočekati,

connect and encourage the development of employees,

povezati i ohrabriti razvoj zaposlenika,

a profession that advocates that the diversity of society

profesija koja se zalaže za vidljivost različitost društva

should be reflected in the workplace,

na radnom mjestu,

and yet I have done nothing to advocate for diversity.

a ja nisam učinila ništa kako bih se zalagala za različitost.

When I came to this company one year ago,

Kada sam prošle godine došla u ovu tvrtku,

I thought to myself, this company has anti-discrimination policies

pomislila sam, ova tvrtka ima politiku nediskriminacije

that protect gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people.

koja štiti homoseksualce, lezbijke, biseksualce i transrodne pojedince.

Their commitment to diversity is evident through their global inclusion programs.

Njihova predanost različitosti vidljiva je kroz programe globalne inkluzije.

When I walk through the doors of this company, I will finally come out.

Kad uđem kroz vrata ove kompanije, napokon ću izaći iz ormara.

But I didn't.

Ali nisam.

Instead of taking advantage of the opportunity,

Umjesto da sam iskoristila priliku,

I did nothing.

nisam učinila ništa.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

When I was looking through my London journal and scrapbook

Dok sam gledala svoj londonski dnevnik i album iz semestra s

from my London semester abroad 16 years ago,

razmjene u Londonu prije 16 godina,

I came across this modified quote from Toni Morrison's book, "Paradise."

naišla sam na izmijenjeni citat iz Morrisonine knjige "Raj".

"There are more scary things inside than outside."

"Strašnije se stvari skrivaju unutra nego vani."

And then I wrote a note to myself at the bottom:

A ispod sam si napisala bilješku:

"Remember this."

"Zapamti ovo."

I'm sure I was trying to encourage myself to get out and explore London,

Vjerojatno sam se pokušavala ohrabriti da izađem i istražim London,

but the message I missed was the need to start exploring and embracing myself.

ali promakla mi je poruka za potrebom istraživanja i prihvaćanja mene.

What I didn't realize until all these years later

Sve donedavno nisam shvaćala

is that the biggest obstacles I will ever have to overcome

da su najveće prepreke koje trebam svladati

are my own fears and insecurities.

vlastiti strahovi i nesigurnosti.

I believe that by facing my fears inside, I will be able to change reality outside.

Vjerujem da ću suočavajući se sa strahovima iznutra moći promijeniti vanjsku stvarnost.

I made a choice today

Danas sam odlučila

to reveal a part of myself that I have hidden for too long.

otkriti dio sebe koji sam toliko dugo skrivala.

I hope that this means I will never hide again,

Nadam se da to znači da se više nikada neću skrivati i

and I hope that by coming out today, I can do something to change the data

nadam se da današnjom deklaracijom mogu promijeniti statistiku

and also to help others who feel different be more themselves and more fulfilled

i pomoći drugima koji se osjećaju drukčije da budu više svoji i zadovoljniji

in both their professional and personal lives.

i u profesionalnim i u privatnim životima.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)