The danger of hiding who you are | Morgana Bailey

Translator: Sofie Paisley Reviewer: Anders Finn Jørgensen

When I was young, I prided myself as a nonconformist

Som ung var jeg stolt af at være individualist

in the conservative U.S. state I live in, Kansas.

i den konservative stat i U.S.A. hvor jeg bor - Kansas.

I didn't follow along with the crowd.

Jeg gik mine egne veje.

I wasn't afraid to try weird clothing trends or hairstyles.

Var ikke bange for at prøve anderledes tøj eller frisurer

I was outspoken and extremely social.

Jeg sagde min mening og var ekstremt social.

Even these pictures and postcards of my London semester abroad 16 years ago

Selv billederne og postkortene fra mit semester i London, for 16 år siden,

show that I obviously didn't care if I was perceived as weird or different.

viser at jeg tydeligvis var ligeglad med at blive opfattet som underlig eller anderledes.

(Laughter)

(Publikum ler)

But that same year I was in London, 16 years ago,

Men samme år som jeg var i London, for 16 år siden,

I realized something about myself that actually was somewhat unique,

opdagede jeg noget om mig selv som faktisk var unikt på en måde,

and that changed everything.

og det forandrede alt.

I became the opposite of who I thought I once was.

Jeg blev til den modsatte af den, jeg engang troede, jeg var.

I stayed in my room instead of socializing.

Jeg holdt mig på mit værelse istedet for at være social.

I stopped engaging in clubs and leadership activities.

Jeg droppede klubber og lederskabsaktiviteter.

I didn't want to stand out in the crowd anymore.

Jeg ville ikke længere skille mig ud fra de andre.

I told myself it was because I was growing up and maturing,

Jeg sagde til mig selv, at det var fordi jeg var ved at blive voksen og mere moden,

not that I was suddenly looking for acceptance.

ikke at jeg pludselig søgte andres accept.

I had always assumed I was immune to needing acceptance.

Jeg havde altid forudsat at jeg ikke havde brug for andres accept.

After all, I was a bit unconventional.

Når det kom til stykket, var jeg jo lidt ukonventionel

But I realize now

Men nu ser jeg

that the moment I realized something was different about me

at det øjeblik jeg indså jeg var anderledes

was the exact same moment that I began conforming and hiding.

var samme øjeblik hvor jeg begyndte at tilpasse og gemme mig.

Hiding is a progressive habit,

At gemme sig er en langsomt voksende vane,

and once you start hiding,

ligeså snart du begynder at gemme dig

it becomes harder and harder to step forward and speak out.

bliver det sværere og sværere, at træde frem og sige din mening.

In fact, even now,

Selv nu,

when I was talking to people about what this talk was about,

da jeg talte med folk om mit oplæg

I made up a cover story

fandt jeg på en dækhistorie

and I even hid the truth about my TED Talk.

og skjulte sandheden om mit TED-oplæg.

So it is fitting and scary

Så det er passende og skræmmende

that I have returned to this city 16 years later

at jeg efter 16 år er vendt tilbage til denne by

and I have chosen this stage to finally stop hiding.

og at jeg har valgt netop denne scene, til endelig at holde op med at gemme mig.

What have I been hiding for 16 years?

Hvad er det så jeg har skjult i 16 år?

I am a lesbian.

Jeg er lesbisk.

(Applause)

(Publikum klapper)

Thank you.

Tak.

I've struggled to say those words,

Jeg har kæmpet for at kunne sige de ord,

because I didn't want to be defined by them.

fordi jeg ikke ville defineres af dem.

Every time I would think about coming out in the past,

Førhen når jeg tænkte på at springe ud,

I would think to myself, but I just want to be known as Morgana,

sagde jeg til mig selv, "Jeg vil jo bare være kendt som Morgana",

uniquely Morgana,

kun Morgana,

but not "my lesbian friend Morgana," or "my gay coworker Morgana."

ikke som "min lesbiske ven Morgana", eller "min homoseksuelle kollega Morgana".

Just Morgana.

Bare Morgana.

For those of you from large metropolitan areas,

For de af jer der bor i storbyområder,

this may not seem like a big deal to you.

virker det måske som en detalje.

It may seem strange that I have suppressed the truth

Det virker måske mærkeligt at jeg har skjult sandheden,

and hidden this for so long.

og holdt det hemmeligt i så lang tid.

But I was paralyzed by my fear of not being accepted.

Men jeg var lammet af angsten for ikke at blive accepteret.

And I'm not alone, of course.

Og det er jeg selvfølgelig ikke ene om.

A 2013 Deloitte study found that a surprisingly large number of people

En undersøgelse lavet af Deloitte i 2013, viste at et overraskende stort antal mennesker

hide aspects of their identity.

skjuler dele af deres identitet.

Of all the employees they surveyed,

Af alle de ansatte de spurgte,

61 percent reported changing an aspect of their behavior or their appearance

svarede 61 procent at de ændrede dele af deres opførsel eller udseende

in order to fit in at work.

for at passe ind på jobbet.

Of all the gay, lesbian and bisexual employees,

Af de homo- eller biseksuelle ansatte,

83 percent admitted to changing some aspects of themselves

indrømmede 83 procent at de ændrede dele af sig selv

so they would not appear at work "too gay."

så de ikke fremstod "for homoseksuelle".

The study found that even in companies

Undersøgelsen påpegede at selv i firmaer

with diversity policies and inclusion programs,

med politikker for forskellighed og programmer for inklusion,

employees struggle to be themselves at work

kæmpede ansatte med at være sig selv på jobbet

because they believe conformity is critical

fordi de mener at ensartethed er nøglen

to their long-term career advancement.

til muligheden for at fremme deres karriere.

And while I was surprised that so many people just like me

Selvom det kom bag på mig at så mange præcis som mig

waste so much energy trying to hide themselves,

spilder så meget energi på at gemme sig selv,

I was scared when I discovered that my silence

så skræmte det mig da jeg opdagede at min tavshed

has life-or-death consequences and long-term social repercussions.

har livstidskonsekvenser og sociale følgevirkninger på langt sigt.

Twelve years:

Tolv år:

the length by which life expectancy is shortened

Det antal år, som den forventede levealder forkortes

for gay, lesbian and bisexual people in highly anti-gay communities

for homo- og biseksuelle personer, i stærkt anti-homo og biseksuelle samfund

compared to accepting communities.

sammenlignet med accepterende samfund.

Twelve years reduced life expectancy.

Tolv års forkortet levetid.

When I read that in The Advocate magazine this year,

Da jeg læste det i magasinet The Advocate i år,

I realized I could no longer afford to keep silent.

indså jeg at jeg ikke længere havde råd til at være tavs.

The effects of personal stress and social stigmas are a deadly combination.

Effekterne af personlig stress og social stigmatisering er en dødelig blanding.

The study found that gays in anti-gay communities

Undersøgelsen viste at homoseksuelle i homoseksuelt-fjentlige samfund

had higher rates of heart disease, violence and suicide.

oftere var udsat for hjertesygdomme, vold og selvmord.

What I once thought was simply a personal matter

Det jeg engang troede kun var en personlig sag

I realized had a ripple effect

indså jeg var langt mere vidtrækkende

that went into the workplace and out into the community

med betydning for arbejdspladser og for samfundet

for every story just like mine.

for hver historie som min.

My choice to hide and not share who I really am

At jeg valgte at skjule og ikke vise hvem jeg virkelig er

may have inadvertently contributed to this exact same environment

kan uforvarende have bidraget til præcis dette miljø

and atmosphere of discrimination.

til en diskriminerende atmosfære.

I'd always told myself there's no reason to share that I was gay,

Jeg sagde altid til mig selv, at der ikke var grund til at dele at jeg var lesbisk,

but the idea that my silence has social consequences

men at min tavshed kan have sociale konsekvenser

was really driven home this year when I missed an opportunity

blev tydeligt i år da jeg missede en mulighed

to change the atmosphere of discrimination in my own home state of Kansas.

for at ændre på den diskriminerende atmosfære i min hjemstat Kansas.

In February, the Kansas House of Representatives brought up a bill for vote

I februar, fremlagde Repræsentanternes Hus i Kansas et lovforslag til afstemning

that would have essentially allowed businesses

som i bund og grund ville tillade firmaer

to use religious freedom as a reason to deny gays services.

at nægte homoseksuelle tjenester på basis af retten til religiøs frihed

A former coworker and friend of mine

En tidligere kollega og ven

has a father who serves in the Kansas House of Representatives.

har en far der sidder i Repræsentanternes Hus i Kansas.

He voted in favor of the bill,

Han stemte for vedtagelse af loven,

in favor of a law that would allow businesses to not serve me.

til fordel for en lov der ville tillade virksomheder ikke at yde mig tjenester.

How does my friend feel

Hvilken mening har min ven

about lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning people?

om lesbiske, bøsser, biseksuelle og transkønnede, queer og spørgende personer?

How does her father feel?

Og hvad mener hendes far?

I don't know, because I was never honest with them about who I am.

Det ved jeg ikke, for jeg var aldrig åben overfor dem om hvem jeg er.

And that shakes me to the core.

Og det ryster mig i min grundvold.

What if I had told her my story years ago?

Hvad hvis jeg for længe siden havde fortalt hende min historie?

Could she have told her father my experience?

Kunne hun så havde fortalt sin far om mine oplevelser?

Could I have ultimately helped change his vote?

Kunne jeg derved havde været med til at ændre hans stemme?

I will never know,

Det finde jeg aldrig ud af,

and that made me realize I had done nothing

og det fik mig til at indse, at jeg intet havde gjort

to try to make a difference.

for at prøve at gøre en forskel.

How ironic that I work in human resources,

Det er dybt ironisk: Jeg arbejder med HR

a profession that works to welcome,

en profession med fokus på at byde velkommen,

connect and encourage the development of employees,

forbinde og opmuntre de ansattes udvikling,

a profession that advocates that the diversity of society

en profession der arbejder for at mangfoldigheden i samfundet

should be reflected in the workplace,

reflekteres på arbejdspladsen,

and yet I have done nothing to advocate for diversity.

og alligevel har jeg intet gjort for at fremme mangfoldighed.

When I came to this company one year ago,

Da jeg startede i dette firma, for et år siden,

I thought to myself, this company has anti-discrimination policies

tænkte jeg, at dette firma har anti-diskriminations politikker

that protect gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people.

som beskytter bøsser, lesbiske, biseksuelle og trans-seksuelle personer.

Their commitment to diversity is evident through their global inclusion programs.

Deres forpligtelse til mangfoldighed er tydelig i deres globale inklusionsprogrammer.

When I walk through the doors of this company, I will finally come out.

Når jeg går gennem indgangen til dette firma vil jeg endelig stå frem.

But I didn't.

Men det gjorde jeg ikke.

Instead of taking advantage of the opportunity,

Istedet for at udnytte muligheden,

I did nothing.

gjorde jeg ingenting.

(Applause)

(Publikum klapper)

When I was looking through my London journal and scrapbook

Da jeg kiggede igennem min dagbog og scrapbog fra London

from my London semester abroad 16 years ago,

fra mit semester udenlands i London, for 16 år siden,

I came across this modified quote from Toni Morrison's book, "Paradise."

fandt jeg dette modificerede citat fra Tony Morrisons bog "Paradis".

"There are more scary things inside than outside."

"Der er flere skræmmende ting indenfor end udenfor".

And then I wrote a note to myself at the bottom:

Og så havde jeg skrevet en note til mig selv nederst:

"Remember this."

"Husk det".

I'm sure I was trying to encourage myself to get out and explore London,

Det var sikkert et forsøg på at opmuntre mig selv til at komme ud og opdage London,

but the message I missed was the need to start exploring and embracing myself.

men beskeden jeg havde overset var behovet for at begynde at udforske og acceptere mig selv.

What I didn't realize until all these years later

Hvad jeg først indså så mange år senere

is that the biggest obstacles I will ever have to overcome

er at de største forhindringer jeg nogensinde kommer til at møde

are my own fears and insecurities.

er min egen frygt og usikkerhed.

I believe that by facing my fears inside, I will be able to change reality outside.

Jeg tror på, at ved at møde min indre frygt, vil jeg kunne ændre virkeligheden udenfor.

I made a choice today

Jeg traf et valg i dag,

to reveal a part of myself that I have hidden for too long.

at afsløre en del af mig selv som har været skjult alt for længe.

I hope that this means I will never hide again,

jeg håber det betyder at jeg aldrig behøver gemme mig igen,

and I hope that by coming out today, I can do something to change the data

og jeg håber, at ved at stå frem i dag, at jeg kan bidrage til at ændre på tallene

and also to help others who feel different be more themselves and more fulfilled

og hjælpe andre der føler sig anderledes til at være mere dem selv og mere tilfredse

in both their professional and personal lives.

både i deres arbejds- og privatliv.

Thank you.

Tak skal I have.

(Applause)

(Publikum klapper)