"To This Day" ... for the bullied and beautiful | Shane Koyczan

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

Prevodilac: Dejan Vicai Lektor: Boško Eraković

Koliko vas je.

There's so many of you.

(Laughter)

When I was a kid,

Kad sam bio klinac,

I hid my heart under the bed, because my mother said,

sakrio sam srce ispod kreveta, jer mi je mama rekla:

"Ako nisi pažljiv, slomiće ti neko srce jednog dana."

"If you're not careful, someday someone's going to break it."

Take it from me: Under the bed is not a good hiding spot.

Poslušajte me. Nije dobro mesto za skrivanje ispod kreveta.

Znam, jer sam bio oboren toliko mnogo puta

I know because I've been shot down so many times,

I get altitude sickness just from standing up for myself.

da mi se zavrti u glavi dok se samo zauzimam za sebe.

But that's what we were told.

Ali to nam je rečeno.

"Stand up for yourself."

Zauzmi se za sebe.

And that's hard to do if you don't know who you are.

A to je teško uraditi ako ne znaš ko si.

We were expected to define ourselves at such an early age,

Očekivano je od nas da se definišemo pri tako ranom uzrastu

and if we didn't do it, others did it for us.

i ukoliko nismo, drugi su to uradili za nas.

Geek. Fatty.

Štreber. Debeljuca. Drolja. Peder.

Slut. Fag.

And at the same time we were being told what we were,

U isto vreme dok su nam govorili šta smo,

we were being asked,

pitali su nas:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Šta želiš da budeš kad odrasteš?"

I always thought that was an unfair question.

Oduvek sam mislio da to nije pošteno pitanje.

Pretpostavlja se da ne možemo biti ono što već jesmo.

It presupposes that we can't be what we already are.

We were kids.

Bili smo deca.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a man.

Kad sam bio klinac, hteo sam da budem čovek.

I wanted a registered retirement savings plan

Želeo sam registrovani plan penzione štednje

that would keep me in candy long enough to make old age sweet.

koji bi mi obezbedio dovoljno slatkiša da mi osladi stare dane.

(Laughter)

Kad sam bio klinac, hteo sam da se brijem.

When I was a kid, I wanted to shave.

Now, not so much.

Sada, ne baš.

(Laughter)

When I was eight, I wanted to be a marine biologist.

Kada sam imao osam godina, hteo sam da budem morski biolog.

When I was nine, I saw the movie "Jaws,"

Kada sam imao devet, pogledao sam film "Ralje"

and thought to myself, "No, thank you."

i pomislio: "Neka hvala."

(Laughter)

A kada sam imao 10 godina, rekli su mi da su me roditelji napustili jer me nisu želeli.

And when I was 10,

I was told that my parents left because they didn't want me.

Kada sam imao 11 godina, hteo sam da me ostave na miru.

When I was 11, I wanted to be left alone.

Kada sam imao 12, hteo sam da umrem. Kada sam imao 13, hteo sam da ubijem klinca.

When I was 12, I wanted to die. When I was 13, I wanted to kill a kid.

When I was 14, I was asked to seriously consider a career path.

Kada sam imao 14, rečeno mi je da dobro razmislim o karijeri.

I said, "I'd like to be a writer."

Rekoh: "Želim da budem pisac."

A oni su rekli: "Izaberi nešto realnije."

And they said, "Choose something realistic."

So I said, "Professional wrestler."

Onda rekoh: "Profesionalni rvač."

And they said, "Don't be stupid."

A oni su rekli: "Ne budi blesav."

See, they asked me what I wanted to be,

Vidite, oni su me pitali šta želim da budem,

then told me what not to be.

a onda rekli šta ne mogu da budem.

And I wasn't the only one.

I nisam bio jedini.

Govoreno nam je da nekako moramo da postanemo

We were being told that we somehow must become

what we are not, sacrificing what we are

ono što nismo, žrtvujući ono što jesmo

to inherit the masquerade of what we will be.

da nasledimo maskaradu onoga što ćemo biti.

Rečeno mi je da prihvatim identitet

I was being told to accept the identity that others will give me.

koji će mi drugi dodeliti.

And I wondered, what made my dreams so easy to dismiss?

I pitao sam se, zašto je tako lako odbaciti moje snove?

Granted, my dreams are shy,

Doduše, moji snovi su stidljivi,

because they're Canadian.

jer su kanadski. (Smeh)

(Laughter)

Moji snovi su samosvesni i preterano pravdalački.

My dreams are self-conscious and overly apologetic.

They're standing alone at the high school dance,

Stoje sami na maturskoj večeri

and they've never been kissed.

i nikada se nisu ljubili.

See, my dreams got called names too.

Vidite, moje snove su takođe vređali.

Silly. Foolish.

Blesavo. Budalasto. Nemoguće.

Impossible.

But I kept dreaming.

Ali sam nastavio da sanjarim.

I was going to be a wrestler. I had it all figured out.

Trebalo je da budem rvač. Sve sam smislio.

Trebalo je da se zovem Smećar.

I was going to be The Garbage Man.

(Laughter)

Moj završni potez je trebao da bude Kompaktor smeća.

My finishing move was going to be The Trash Compactor.

My saying was going to be, "I'm taking out the trash!"

Moje geslo je trebalo da bude: "Iznosim smeće!"

(Laughter)

(Smeh) (Aplauz)

(Applause)

I onda mi taj lik, Djuk "Kontejner" Drozi,

And then this guy, Duke "The Dumpster" Droese,

ukrade ceo štos.

stole my entire shtick.

(Laughter)

I was crushed,

Bio sam slomljen, kao da me slomio kompaktor smeća.

as if by a trash compactor.

(Laughter)

I thought to myself, "What now? Where do I turn?"

Pomislio sam: "Šta sada? Kako dalje?"

Poetry.

Poezija.

(Laughter)

Like a boomerang, the thing I loved came back to me.

Kao bumerang, stvar koju sam voleo mi se vratila.

One of the first lines of poetry I can remember writing

Jedan od prvih stihova poezije koji se sećam da sam napisao

was in response to a world that demanded I hate myself.

je bio odgovor svetu koji zahteva da mrzim sebe.

Od 15. do 18. godine, mrzeo sam sebe

From age 15 to 18, I hated myself

for becoming the thing that I loathed:

jer sam postao ono što sam prezirao: siledžija.

a bully.

When I was 19, I wrote,

Kad sam imao 19 godina, napisao sam:

"I will love myself despite the ease with which

"Voleću sebe uprkos lakoći kojom

I lean toward the opposite."

naginjem suprotnom."

Standing up for yourself doesn't have to mean

Zauzeti se za sebe ne mora da znači

embracing violence.

prigrliti nasilje.

When I was a kid,

Kad sam bio klinac,

I traded in homework assignments for friendship,

trampio sam domaće zadatke za prijateljstva,

then gave each friend a late slip for never showing up on time,

a zatim delio izgovore prijateljima za stalna kašnjenja

and in most cases, not at all.

ili u većini slučajeva za nepojavljivanja.

I gave myself a hall pass to get through each broken promise.

I davao sebi školske propusnice da prebrodim svako prekršeno obećanje.

And I remember this plan, born out of frustration

Sećam se jednog plana, skovanog iz frustracije

from a kid who kept calling me "Yogi,"

zbog jednog klinca koji me stalno zvao "Jogi"

then pointed at my tummy and said, "Too many picnic baskets."

i pokazivao prstom na moj stomak govoreći: "Previše piknik korpi".

Turns out it's not that hard to trick someone,

Ispada da nije teško prevariti nekog

and one day before class, I said,

i jednog dana pre časa, rekao sam:

"Yeah, you can copy my homework,"

"Da, možeš da prepišeš moj domaći",

and I gave him all the wrong answers that I'd written down the night before.

i dao sam mu sve pogrešne odgovore

koje sam napisao noć pre.

He got his paper back expecting a near-perfect score,

Vraćen mu je rad, i očekujući skoro savršen rezultat,

and couldn't believe it when he looked across the room at me and held up a zero.

nije mogao da veruje kada me pogledao preko učionice i pokazao nulu.

Znao sam da ne moram da pokažem svoj rad sa 28 od 30,

I knew I didn't have to hold up my paper of 28 out of 30,

but my satisfaction was complete when he looked at me, puzzled,

ali moje zadovoljstvo je bilo potpuno kada me pogledao, zbunjen,

and I thought to myself, "Smarter than the average bear, motherfucker."

i pomislio sam: "Pametniji nego prosečan medved, kretenu".

(Laughter)

(Smeh) (Aplauz)

(Applause)

This is who I am.

Ovo sam ja.

This is how I stand up for myself.

Ovako se zauzimam za sebe.

When I was a kid,

Kad sam bio klinac,

I used to think that pork chops and karate chops were the same thing.

mislio sam da su svinjski odresci i karate pokreti ista stvar.

I thought they were both pork chops.

Mislio sam da oba pojma znače krmenadla.

My grandmother thought it was cute,

I pošto je moja baka mislila da je to slatko

and because they were my favorite, she let me keep doing it.

i pošto su to bile moje omiljene stvari, pustila me je da u to verujem.

Not really a big deal.

Nije baš velika stvar.

One day, before I realized fat kids are not designed to climb trees,

Jednog dana, pre nego što sam otkrio da debela deca nisu stvorena da se penju na drveće,

I fell out of a tree and bruised the right side of my body.

pao sam sa drveta i izudarao desnu stranu tela.

Nisam hteo da kažem baki

I didn't want to tell my grandmother

mislio sam da ću biti u nevolji jer sam se igrao gde nisam smeo.

because I was scared I'd get in trouble

for playing somewhere I shouldn't have been.

Nekoliko dana kasnije, nastavnik fizičkog je primetio modrice

The gym teacher noticed the bruise, and I got sent to the principal's office.

i bio sam poslat kod direktora.

From there, I was sent to another small room with a really nice lady

Odatle sam bio poslat u još jednu malu sobu

sa jako finom ženom koja me pitala svakojaka pitanja u vezi sa mojim životom kod kuće.

who asked me all kinds of questions about my life at home.

Nisam video razloga da lažem.

I saw no reason to lie.

As far as I was concerned, life was pretty good.

Koliko se meni činilo, imao sam poprilično dobar život.

Rekao sam joj, kad god sam tužan, moja baka mi dalje karate udarce.

I told her, whenever I'm sad, my grandmother gives me karate chops.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

To je dovelo do potpune istrage,

This led to a full-scale investigation,

and I was removed from the house for three days,

a ja sam bio uklonjen iz kuće naredna tri dana,

until they finally decided to ask how I got the bruises.

dok nisu napokon odlučili da me pitaju kako sam dobio modrice.

News of this silly little story quickly spread through the school,

Vest o ovoj maloj smešnoj priči brzo se proširila kroz školu

and I earned my first nickname:

i zaradio sam svoj prvi nadimak:

Krmenadla.

Porkchop.

Do današnjeg dana, mrzim kmenadle.

To this day,

I hate pork chops.

I'm not the only kid who grew up this way,

Nisam jedini klinac koji je odrastao na ovaj način,

surrounded by people who used to say that rhyme

okružen ljudima koji su govorili onu rimu

o štapovima i kamenju,

about sticks and stones,

as if broken bones hurt more than the names we got called,

kao da polomljene kosti bole više od imena kojim su nas nazivali,

and we got called them all.

a bili smo nazivanim svim mogućim.

So we grew up believing no one would ever fall in love with us,

Odrasli smo verujući da se niko nikada neće zaljubiti u nas,

that we'd be lonely forever,

da ćemo zauvek biti usamljeni,

that we'd never meet someone to make us feel like the sun

da nikada nećemo upoznati nekoga zbog koga ćemo se osećati kao Sunce,

was something they built for us in their toolshed.

to je bilo nešto što su gradili za nas u šupi.

Tako su slomljena srca krvarila bluz i pokušali smo da se ispraznimo da ne osećamo išta.

So broken heartstrings bled the blues,

and we tried to empty ourselves so we'd feel nothing.

Nemoj mi reći da to boli manje od polomljene kosti,

Don't tell me that hurts less than a broken bone,

da je život u osami nešto što hirurzi mogu da odstrane,

that an ingrown life is something surgeons can cut away,

da nema načina da se razvije; postoji način.

that there's no way for it to metastasize; it does.

She was eight years old,

Imala je osam godina,

naš prvi dan trećeg razreda kada su je nazvali ružnom.

our first day of grade three when she got called ugly.

We both got moved to the back of class

Oboje smo bili premešteni u zadnji deo učionice

so we would stop getting bombarded by spitballs.

da bi nas prestali bombardovati pljucama.

But the school halls were a battleground.

Ali školski hodnici su bili bojna polja.

We found ourselves outnumbered day after wretched day.

Bili smo brojčano nadjačani svakog prokletog dana.

We used to stay inside for recess, because outside was worse.

Ostajali smo unutra za vreme odmora, jer je napolju bilo još gore.

Outside, we'd have to rehearse running away,

Napolju, morali smo da vežbamo bežanje

or learn to stay still like statues, giving no clues that we were there.

ili da naučimo da budemo mirni kao kipovi, da ne dajemo znake da smo bili tamo.

In grade five, they taped a sign to the front of her desk

U petom razredu, zalepili su znak na prednji deo njene klupe

that read, "Beware of dog."

na kojem je stajalo: "Čuvaj se psa".

To this day,

Do današnjeg dana, uprkos mužu punom ljubavi, ne oseća se lepom

despite a loving husband, she doesn't think she's beautiful,

because of a birthmark that takes up a little less than half her face.

zbog belega koji zauzima malo manje od polovine njenog lica.

Kids used to say, "She looks like a wrong answer

Klinci su govorili: "Izgleda kao pogrešan odgovor

that someone tried to erase, but couldn't quite get the job done."

koji su probali da izbrišu, ali nisu to baš dobro odradili".

And they'll never understand that she's raising two kids

Nikada neće razumeti da ona odgaja dvoje dece

whose definition of beauty begins with the word "Mom,"

čija definicija lepote počinje sa rečima "Mama",

because they see her heart before they see her skin,

zato što oni vide njeno srce pre njene kože,

because she's only ever always been amazing.

jer je ona oduvek jednostavno bila neverovatna.

On je bio polomljena grančica nakalemljena na drugačije porodično stablo,

He was a broken branch grafted onto a different family tree,

adopted,

usvojen,

not because his parents opted for a different destiny.

ne zato što su mu se roditelji opredelili za drugačiju sudbinu.

He was three when he became a mixed drink

Imao je tri kada je postao mešano piće

of one part left alone and two parts tragedy,

jedan deo ostavljen sam i dva dela tragedije,

počeo je sa terapijom u osmom razredu,

started therapy in eighth grade,

imao ličnost sačinjenu od testova i pilula,

had a personality made up of tests and pills,

lived like the uphills were mountains and the downhills were cliffs,

živeo je kao da su uzbrdice planine a nizbrdice litice,

four-fifths suicidal, a tidal wave of antidepressants,

četiri petine samoubica, cunami antidepresanata,

and an adolescent being called "Popper,"

i mladost zvana "Gutač",

one part because of the pills,

jednim delom zbog pilula,

99 parts because of the cruelty.

99 delova zbog okrutnosti.

He tried to kill himself in grade 10

Probao je da se ubije u 10. razredu

when a kid who could still go home to Mom and Dad

jer je klinac koji je imao mogućnosti da ode kući mami i tati

imao smelosti da mu kaže: "Pređi preko toga".

had the audacity to tell him, "Get over it."

As if depression is something that could be remedied

Kao da je depresija nešto što se može lečiti

stvarima iz kutije za prvu pomoć.

by any of the contents found in a first-aid kit.

To this day, he is a stick of TNT lit from both ends,

Do današnjeg dana, on je štap dinamita upaljen sa oba kraja,

could describe to you in detail the way the sky bends

mogao bi da opiše u detalje kako se nebo krivi

in the moment before it's about to fall,

u momentima pre nego li padne,

and despite an army of friends who all call him an inspiration,

uprkos armiji prijatelja koji ga nazivaju inspiracijom,

he remains a conversation piece between people who can't understand

ostaje tema razgovora između ljudi koji ne mogu da razumeju

da ponekad biti čist od droge ima manje veze sa zavisnošću

sometimes being drug-free has less to do with addiction

and more to do with sanity.

a više sa prisebnošću.

We weren't the only kids who grew up this way.

Nismo bili jedini klinci koji su odrasli na ovaj način.

To this day, kids are still being called names.

Do dana današnjeg, decu i dalje nazivaju pogrdnim imenima.

Klasika je, "Hej glupane", "Hej trzajko".

The classics were "Hey, stupid," "Hey, spaz."

Izgleda da svaka škola ima arsenal imena

Seems like every school has an arsenal of names

getting updated every year.

ažuriran svake godine,

And if a kid breaks in a school and no one around chooses to hear,

ako se klinac slomi u školi i niko u okolini ne odluči da to čuje,

da li će načiniti zvuk?

do they make a sound?

Are they just background noise from a soundtrack stuck on repeat,

Da li su to samo pozadinski zvuci sa trake zaglavljeni

when people say things like, "Kids can be cruel."

na ponavljanju kada ljudi kažu stvari kao: "Deca mogu biti okrutna".

Every school was a big top circus tent,

Svaka škola je bila veliki cirkuski šator,

i raspored kljucanja je išao od akrobata do ukrotitelja lavova,

and the pecking order went from acrobats to lion tamers,

from clowns to carnies, all of these miles ahead of who we were.

od klovnova do učesnika, svi oni kilometrima ispred onoga što smo mi bili.

Bili smo nakaze - dečaci sa klještima jastoga i bradate žene,

We were freaks --

lobster-claw boys and bearded ladies,

oddities juggling depression and loneliness,

čudaci koji žonglirajući depresiju i usamljenost,

playing solitaire, spin the bottle,

igraju pasijans, zavrtimo flašu,

trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal,

pokušavamo da poljubimo svoje ranjene delove i da se izlečimo,

but at night, while the others slept,

ali noćima, dok su drugi spavali,

we kept walking the tightrope.

mi smo šetali po zategnutom užetu.

Bila je to vežba, i da, neki od nas su pali.

It was practice, and yes, some of us fell.

But I want to tell them that all of this

Ali želim da im kažem da je sve ovo

is just debris

samo otpad preostao kada budemo konačno odlučili da razbijemo

left over when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought we used to be,

sve one stvari koje smo mislili da smo bili

and if you can't see anything beautiful about yourself,

i ako ne možeš videti ništa lepo u sebi,

get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer,

nabavi bolje ogledalo, pogledaj malo bliže, zuri malo duže,

jer ima nešto u tebi što te je teralo da pokušavaš

because there's something inside you that made you keep trying

urpkos svima koji su ti rekli da prestaneš.

despite everyone who told you to quit.

Stavio si gips oko polomljenog srca i potpisao ga sam.

You built a cast around your broken heart

and signed it yourself, "They were wrong."

Potpisao ga sa: "Nisu bili u pravu".

Because maybe you didn't belong to a group or a clique.

Možda nisi pripadao nekoj grupi ili skupini.

Maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything.

Možda su odlučili da te biraju poslednjeg za košarku ili za sve.

Maybe you used to bring bruises and broken teeth to show-and-tell, but never told,

Možda si donosio modrice i polomljene zube na prezentacije, ali nikad nisi rekao,

because how can you hold your ground

jer kako bi mogao da se braniš

if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it?

kada te svako želi zakopati?

Moraš da veruješ da su svi oni pogrešili.

You have to believe that they were wrong.

They have to be wrong.

Mora da nisu u pravu.

Why else would we still be here?

Zašto bismo još inače bili ovde?

Odrasli smo učeći da navijamo za gubitnike

We grew up learning to cheer on the underdog

because we see ourselves in them.

jer vidimo sebe u njima.

Mi rastemo iz korena zasađenog u verovanju

We stem from a root planted in the belief

that we are not what we were called.

da nismo ono što nas nazivaju.

We are not abandoned cars stalled out and sitting empty on some highway,

Nismo napušteni povučeni auti

koji stoje prazno na nekom autoputu,

and if in some way we are, don't worry.

a i da u neku ruku jesmo, bez brige.

Samo smo izašli da se prošetamo i kupimo gorivo.

We only got out to walk and get gas.

Mi smo maturanti razreda Uspeli smo,

We are graduating members from the class of We Made It,

not the faded echoes of voices crying out,

ne bledeći odjeci plačućih glasova iznutra,

"Names will never hurt me."

"Imena me nikada neće povrediti".

Of course they did.

Naravno da jesu.

But our lives will only ever always continue to be a balancing act

Ali naši životi će jedino biti

i dalje čin balansiranja

that has less to do with pain

koje ima manje veze sa bolom

and more to do with beauty.

a više sa lepotom.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)