"To This Day" ... for the bullied and beautiful | Shane Koyczan

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

譯者: Jui-Hsin Chen 審譯者: Marssi Draw

這裡好多人啊

There's so many of you.

(Laughter)

When I was a kid,

當我還是小孩子的時候

I hid my heart under the bed, because my mother said,

我把我的心藏在床底下，因為我媽媽曾對我說

「如果你不夠小心的話，總有一天會有人破壞它。」

"If you're not careful, someday someone's going to break it."

Take it from me: Under the bed is not a good hiding spot.

聽我的，床底下不是一個藏東西的好地方

我會知道是因為我受傷過很多次

I know because I've been shot down so many times,

I get altitude sickness just from standing up for myself.

我得到高山症就因為我為自己挺身而出

But that's what we were told.

但這是別人常常告誡我們的

"Stand up for yourself."

為自己而戰

And that's hard to do if you don't know who you are.

如果你不知道自己的份量的話，這是很難做到的

We were expected to define ourselves at such an early age,

我們在很小的時候就被期望能自我定義

and if we didn't do it, others did it for us.

而如果我們沒有如此做的話，其他人會幫我們做

Geek. Fatty.

怪胎、死胖子、婊子、娘泡

Slut. Fag.

And at the same time we were being told what we were,

在此同時，我們被告知我們是甚麼

we were being asked,

我們會被問

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

「你長大之後想要做甚麼？」

I always thought that was an unfair question.

我一直覺得這是個不公平的問題

它的先決條件是我們不能成為我們已經是的人

It presupposes that we can't be what we already are.

We were kids.

我們是小孩子

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a man.

當我還是小孩子時，我想要成為一個男人

I wanted a registered retirement savings plan

我想要有我自己的退休儲蓄計畫

that would keep me in candy long enough to make old age sweet.

這可以讓我生活無憂一段夠長的時間 讓我老年生活依然甜美

(Laughter)

當我還是小孩子時，我想要刮鬍子

When I was a kid, I wanted to shave.

Now, not so much.

現在呢，就不那麼想了

(Laughter)

When I was eight, I wanted to be a marine biologist.

當我八歲的時候，我想要成為一個海洋生物學家

When I was nine, I saw the movie "Jaws,"

當我九歲的時候，我看了電影「大白鯊」

and thought to myself, "No, thank you."

我那時就自己想「算了，敬謝不敏。」

(Laughter)

當我十歲時 我被告知我的雙親離開了，因為他們不想要我

And when I was 10,

I was told that my parents left because they didn't want me.

當我十一歲時，我只想要獨自生活

When I was 11, I wanted to be left alone.

當我十二歲時，我想去死 當我十三歲時，我想要殺一個小孩

When I was 12, I wanted to die. When I was 13, I wanted to kill a kid.

When I was 14, I was asked to seriously consider a career path.

當我十四歲時，我被要求審慎的考慮我的生涯道路

I said, "I'd like to be a writer."

我當時說：「我想要成為一名作家。」

然後他們說：「選個實際一點的。」

And they said, "Choose something realistic."

So I said, "Professional wrestler."

所以我就說：「職業摔角手。」

And they said, "Don't be stupid."

他們又說：「別鬧了。」

See, they asked me what I wanted to be,

看吧，他們問我想要成為甚麼

then told me what not to be.

然後又否決我們的決定

And I wasn't the only one.

而且我不是唯一的案例

我們被告知，不知何故的，我們必須成為

We were being told that we somehow must become

what we are not, sacrificing what we are

我們不是的那種人，犧牲我們已經成為的人

to inherit the masquerade of what we will be.

去繼承我們將成為的化妝舞會上的一員

我曾被告知要去接受

I was being told to accept the identity that others will give me.

其他人要給我的身分

And I wondered, what made my dreams so easy to dismiss?

然後我就很困惑 是甚麼讓我的夢想這麼輕易的就被打發了？

Granted, my dreams are shy,

告訴你們，我的夢想很害羞

because they're Canadian.

因為它們是加拿大人（笑聲）

(Laughter)

我的夢想叫做自我意識和過度歉疚

My dreams are self-conscious and overly apologetic.

They're standing alone at the high school dance,

它們站在高中舞會的角落

and they've never been kissed.

而且它們從來沒被親吻過

See, my dreams got called names too.

你們看，我的夢想也被取了綽號

Silly. Foolish.

愚蠢、傻子、不可能

Impossible.

But I kept dreaming.

但我仍舊夢想著

I was going to be a wrestler. I had it all figured out.

我要成為一個摔角手 我已經全都想好了

我要取一個外號叫做「垃圾處理員」

I was going to be The Garbage Man.

(Laughter)

我的必殺技叫做垃圾搗碎機

My finishing move was going to be The Trash Compactor.

My saying was going to be, "I'm taking out the trash!"

我的專屬台詞會是「我要出去倒垃圾了！」

(Laughter)

（掌聲）（笑聲）

(Applause)

而這個傢伙，杜克．垃圾車．杜魯斯

And then this guy, Duke "The Dumpster" Droese,

偷走了我全部的創意

stole my entire shtick.

(Laughter)

I was crushed,

我的心整個粉碎了，就像是被垃圾搗碎機搗過一樣

as if by a trash compactor.

(Laughter)

I thought to myself, "What now? Where do I turn?"

我當時就自己想：「現在怎麼辦？我要改變成為甚麼？」

Poetry.

寫詩

(Laughter)

Like a boomerang, the thing I loved came back to me.

就像回力鏢一樣，我所愛的東西又回到了我身邊

One of the first lines of poetry I can remember writing

我記得並寫下的其中一首詩的首句

was in response to a world that demanded I hate myself.

是反映當時我恨透自己的那個世界

在我15到18歲時，我恨透了我自己

From age 15 to 18, I hated myself

for becoming the thing that I loathed:

因為我變成了我厭惡的東西：一個惡霸

a bully.

When I was 19, I wrote,

當我19歲時，我寫道

"I will love myself despite the ease with which

「我會愛我自己，儘管我可以很輕鬆地

I lean toward the opposite."

將自己倒向我所恨的一方。」

Standing up for yourself doesn't have to mean

為自己而戰不一定是代表

embracing violence.

要擁抱暴力

When I was a kid,

當我還是小孩子時

I traded in homework assignments for friendship,

我利用家庭作業當作交易友誼的籌碼

then gave each friend a late slip for never showing up on time,

然後給每個朋友一張 不用準時赴約的約會連到單

and in most cases, not at all.

這是在絕大多數的情況下 並不是每次都會如此

I gave myself a hall pass to get through each broken promise.

每次失約的時候 我就能祭出我的放風通行證

And I remember this plan, born out of frustration

然後我記得這個計畫，是從挫折中激發出來的

from a kid who kept calling me "Yogi,"

從一個小孩一直叫我「瑜伽熊」 開始

then pointed at my tummy and said, "Too many picnic baskets."

接著指著我的肚子說：「這裡有好多野餐盒喔！」

Turns out it's not that hard to trick someone,

原來要整一個人不是一件困難的事

and one day before class, I said,

某天在上課前，我說：

"Yeah, you can copy my homework,"

「好啊，你可以抄我的作業。」

and I gave him all the wrong answers that I'd written down the night before.

然後我給他全是錯的答案

那是我在前一晚先寫下來的

He got his paper back expecting a near-perfect score,

當他拿回他的作業時，滿心期望著那近乎完美的分數

and couldn't believe it when he looked across the room at me and held up a zero.

當他的視線穿越整個教室看著我的時候 他手裡拿著零分的作業，臉上充滿不可置信的神情

我知道沒有把滿分30分 而我得到28分的作業舉起來的必要

I knew I didn't have to hold up my paper of 28 out of 30,

but my satisfaction was complete when he looked at me, puzzled,

但當他滿臉疑惑的看著我時，我的滿足感充斥著我

and I thought to myself, "Smarter than the average bear, motherfucker."

我心裡想：「我比一般的熊聰明嘛，混帳東西。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）（掌聲）

(Applause)

This is who I am.

這就是我

This is how I stand up for myself.

這是我為自己而戰的方式

When I was a kid,

當我還是小孩子時

I used to think that pork chops and karate chops were the same thing.

我當時還以為豬排 (pork chops) 和 空手道手刀 (karate chops) 是一樣的東西

I thought they were both pork chops.

我以為他們都是豬排那一類的

My grandmother thought it was cute,

因為我的祖母覺得這個想法很可愛

and because they were my favorite, she let me keep doing it.

也因為這兩樣都是我最愛的東西，所以她不去糾正我

Not really a big deal.

這不是甚麼大事

One day, before I realized fat kids are not designed to climb trees,

某一天，在我了解到胖小孩對於爬樹不在行之前

I fell out of a tree and bruised the right side of my body.

我從樹上掉了下來 並造成我右半身挫傷

我那時不想要告訴我祖母這件事

I didn't want to tell my grandmother

因為我怕在我不該出現的地方玩耍會帶來麻煩

because I was scared I'd get in trouble

for playing somewhere I shouldn't have been.

幾天過後，體育老師注意到了我的傷口

The gym teacher noticed the bruise, and I got sent to the principal's office.

然後我就被叫到校長室去了

From there, I was sent to another small room with a really nice lady

又從那裏被送到另一間小房間去

那裏有位很友善的女士 問我各式各樣關於我家庭生活的問題

who asked me all kinds of questions about my life at home.

我當時覺得沒有說謊的必要

I saw no reason to lie.

As far as I was concerned, life was pretty good.

就我有記憶以來，那時的生活滿不錯的

我告訴她，當我難過的時候 我的祖母會賞我一個空手道手刀

I told her, whenever I'm sad, my grandmother gives me karate chops.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

這導致了全面性的調查

This led to a full-scale investigation,

and I was removed from the house for three days,

我因此被迫離開家裡三天

until they finally decided to ask how I got the bruises.

直到他們終於決定問我，我的傷口是怎麼來的

News of this silly little story quickly spread through the school,

這個愚蠢的小故事很快地在學校裡傳了開來

and I earned my first nickname:

我贏得了第一個綽號

豬排

Porkchop.

時至今日，我還是恨透了豬排

To this day,

I hate pork chops.

I'm not the only kid who grew up this way,

我不是唯一一個在這種情況下成長的小孩

surrounded by people who used to say that rhyme

成天被那些愛講

「棍棒和石頭」順口溜的人圍繞著 （兒童順口溜，意指不要理會言語傷害）

about sticks and stones,

as if broken bones hurt more than the names we got called,

說得好像粉身碎骨所受的傷 比我們被取那些綽號還要來得痛一樣

and we got called them all.

而且每一種綽號我們都被叫過

So we grew up believing no one would ever fall in love with us,

所以當我們長大時，我們深信沒有人會愛我們

that we'd be lonely forever,

我們會永遠地孤獨

that we'd never meet someone to make us feel like the sun

我們永遠不會遇到一份獨一無二的愛

was something they built for us in their toolshed.

就像是有個人會在工具間裡 為我們打造專屬的太陽

因此，斷了的心弦流下憂鬱的鮮血 我們試著讓自己放空，才不會有任何受傷的感覺

So broken heartstrings bled the blues,

and we tried to empty ourselves so we'd feel nothing.

不要告訴我，那種傷害沒有粉身碎骨來得痛

Don't tell me that hurts less than a broken bone,

不要告訴我，內心世界所受的傷害是可以用手術切除的

that an ingrown life is something surgeons can cut away,

不要告訴我，這種傷害是不會擴散的 它會的

that there's no way for it to metastasize; it does.

She was eight years old,

她，當時是個 8 歲大的小女孩

在我們升三年級的第一天，她被人家叫做醜八怪

our first day of grade three when she got called ugly.

We both got moved to the back of class

我們兩個當時必須把座位移到教室的最後面

so we would stop getting bombarded by spitballs.

這樣子我們才不會被滿是口水的紙球轟炸

But the school halls were a battleground.

但學校走廊是個戰場

We found ourselves outnumbered day after wretched day.

悲慘的日子接二連三 我們發現自己寡不敵眾

We used to stay inside for recess, because outside was worse.

我們習慣待在教室內休息 因為教室外的狀況更糟

Outside, we'd have to rehearse running away,

在教室外，我們必須不斷演練逃跑路線

or learn to stay still like statues, giving no clues that we were there.

我們學會像雕像一樣站著不動 讓別人不知道我們在那裏

In grade five, they taped a sign to the front of her desk

在五年級時，他們在那女孩的桌上貼了一張告示牌

that read, "Beware of dog."

上面寫著「小心惡犬」

To this day,

時至今日，儘管有一個愛她的丈夫 她還是從不承認她自己有多美

despite a loving husband, she doesn't think she's beautiful,

because of a birthmark that takes up a little less than half her face.

因為胎記佈滿她的半個臉龐

Kids used to say, "She looks like a wrong answer

小孩們常常說：「她的樣子就像是

that someone tried to erase, but couldn't quite get the job done."

有人想把寫錯的答案擦掉，但是卻擦不乾淨。」

And they'll never understand that she's raising two kids

而他們永遠也不可能知道 那個女孩現在已經是兩個孩子的媽了

whose definition of beauty begins with the word "Mom,"

而這兩個孩子對美麗這個詞的定義 源自於「母親」

because they see her heart before they see her skin,

因為他們看到的是內在而不是外在

because she's only ever always been amazing.

因為母親永遠是世界上最棒的

而這個小男孩，就像是園藝裡被移花接木的樹枝

He was a broken branch grafted onto a different family tree,

adopted,

他是被領養的

not because his parents opted for a different destiny.

並不是因為他的父母選擇了不同的人生

He was three when he became a mixed drink

他在 3 歲時的遭遇就像是

of one part left alone and two parts tragedy,

一杯由一份遺棄和兩份悲慘所調成的酒

他 8 歲時開始接受治療

started therapy in eighth grade,

無數的測試和藥丸造就了他的人格

had a personality made up of tests and pills,

lived like the uphills were mountains and the downhills were cliffs,

過著就像是向上是峭壁、向下是懸崖 這樣進退兩難的生活

four-fifths suicidal, a tidal wave of antidepressants,

服用八成是打算自殺的大量抗憂鬱劑

and an adolescent being called "Popper,"

還有一個被叫做「藥罐子」的青春期

one part because of the pills,

其中 1% 是因為吃藥

99 parts because of the cruelty.

99% 是因為現實的殘酷

He tried to kill himself in grade 10

他在 10 年級時嘗試自殺

when a kid who could still go home to Mom and Dad

當一般的小孩可以回家找父母親尋求慰藉

而父母可以大膽的對孩子說：「勇於面對問題！」

had the audacity to tell him, "Get over it."

As if depression is something that could be remedied

說得好像憂鬱症是那種可以

隨時從急救包就找到解藥的病

by any of the contents found in a first-aid kit.

To this day, he is a stick of TNT lit from both ends,

時至今日，這男孩就像是兩頭燒的炸藥一樣

could describe to you in detail the way the sky bends

說得清楚一點

in the moment before it's about to fall,

就像是天要塌下來了的前一秒那樣

and despite an army of friends who all call him an inspiration,

儘管有一堆朋友都稱他為鼓舞人心的人

he remains a conversation piece between people who can't understand

他仍只是不了解他的人們口裡的 支字片語

有時候不碰毒品和癮頭無關

sometimes being drug-free has less to do with addiction

and more to do with sanity.

而是因為清醒

We weren't the only kids who grew up this way.

我們不是唯一在這樣環境成長的小孩

To this day, kids are still being called names.

時至今日，仍有小孩被取了難聽的綽號

最經典的有：「嘿，白痴。」「嘿，怪胎。」

The classics were "Hey, stupid," "Hey, spaz."

好像每間學校都有一個綽號工廠

Seems like every school has an arsenal of names

getting updated every year.

而且每一年都會持續更新

And if a kid breaks in a school and no one around chooses to hear,

如果有個小孩在學校裡受了傷，卻沒有人選擇去聆聽

這些小孩還會為自己發聲嗎？

do they make a sound?

Are they just background noise from a soundtrack stuck on repeat,

當人們說著類似：「小孩也是滿殘酷的。」這樣的話

when people say things like, "Kids can be cruel."

難道他們只是跳針唱片的背景雜音嗎？

Every school was a big top circus tent,

每間每間學校都是一個大馬戲團帳篷

而出場順序從雜耍演員到馴獸師

and the pecking order went from acrobats to lion tamers,

from clowns to carnies, all of these miles ahead of who we were.

從小丑到遊戲攤販 我排在這好幾哩長的隊伍中

我們都是怪物 龍蝦男孩（手部病變）和大鬍子女仕

We were freaks --

lobster-claw boys and bearded ladies,

oddities juggling depression and loneliness,

怪人們 雜耍著憂鬱和孤單

playing solitaire, spin the bottle,

我們表演紙牌戲法，轉轉瓶子

trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal,

試著去舔拭並治癒我們受傷的部位

but at night, while the others slept,

但在夜晚時，當其他人都已沉眠

we kept walking the tightrope.

我們還是走在繩索上

這是在練習，而且沒錯，我們其中一些人會摔下去

It was practice, and yes, some of us fell.

But I want to tell them that all of this

但是我想要告訴他們

is just debris

這些都只是我們決定要把過往的一切

left over when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought we used to be,

都打碎時，所遺留的殘骸而已

and if you can't see anything beautiful about yourself,

如果你看不到自己的美

get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer,

就去買一面好一點的鏡子吧 看仔細一點，凝視久一點

因為在你的內心裡，有個東西

because there's something inside you that made you keep trying

告訴你堅持下去 儘管全世界的人都叫你放棄

despite everyone who told you to quit.

你要在你受傷的心周圍築一道銅牆鐵壁，並在上面簽名

You built a cast around your broken heart

and signed it yourself, "They were wrong."

你簽的是：「他們錯了。」

Because maybe you didn't belong to a group or a clique.

因為你可能不屬於一個團體或族群

Maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything.

也許他們在分組時會把你當成最後的選擇

Maybe you used to bring bruises and broken teeth to show-and-tell, but never told,

也許你在玩真心話大冒險時，總帶著淤青和斷牙 但你從不說出口

because how can you hold your ground

因為當你身旁的每一個人 都想要挖洞把你埋進去

if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it?

你要怎能捍衛自己的地盤？

你必須堅信，他們是錯的

You have to believe that they were wrong.

They have to be wrong.

他們必須是錯的

Why else would we still be here?

否則為什麼我們還會在這裡？

我們在成長的過程裡，學著去鼓勵弱者

We grew up learning to cheer on the underdog

because we see ourselves in them.

因為我們在那些人之中看到了自我

我們破繭而出

We stem from a root planted in the belief

that we are not what we were called.

深信我們不是我們所被稱呼的樣子

We are not abandoned cars stalled out and sitting empty on some highway,

我們不是被拋棄在路旁的車子

然後就在高速公路上放空

and if in some way we are, don't worry.

而如果某方面來說我們是如此的話，不要擔心

我們只要走出車外，找點汽油

We only got out to walk and get gas.

我們是「我做得到」課程中的畢業生

We are graduating members from the class of We Made It,

not the faded echoes of voices crying out,

不是在我們大聲呼喊

"Names will never hurt me."

「綽號永遠傷不了我」之後 逐漸消失的迴音

Of course they did.

那當然會傷你的心

But our lives will only ever always continue to be a balancing act

但我們的人生永遠會

面臨要面面俱到的局面

that has less to do with pain

然而那與痛苦無關

and more to do with beauty.

而是更多美好的事物

(Applause)

（掌聲）