"To This Day" ... for the bullied and beautiful | Shane Koyczan

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

Translator: Morten Kelder Skouboe Reviewer: Anders Finn Jørgensen

I er så mange.

There's so many of you.

(Laughter)

When I was a kid,

Da jeg var barn,

I hid my heart under the bed, because my mother said,

gemte jeg mit hjerte under sengen, fordi min mor sagde,

"Hvis du ikke passer på, vil nogen en dag knuse det."

"If you're not careful, someday someone's going to break it."

Take it from me: Under the bed is not a good hiding spot.

Tro mig. Under sengen er ikke et godt gemmested.

Det ved jeg, fordi jeg er blevet skudt ned så mange gange,

I know because I've been shot down so many times,

I get altitude sickness just from standing up for myself.

jeg får højdeskræk af bare at stå for mig selv.

But that's what we were told.

Men det er, hvad vi blev fortalt.

"Stand up for yourself."

Stå for dig selv.

And that's hard to do if you don't know who you are.

Det er svært, hvis man ikke ved, hvem man er.

We were expected to define ourselves at such an early age,

Vi forventedes at definere os selv i så tidlig en alder,

and if we didn't do it, others did it for us.

og hvis vi ikke gjorde det, gjorde andre.

Geek. Fatty.

Nørd. Tykke. Luder. Bøsse.

Slut. Fag.

And at the same time we were being told what we were,

Og samtidig fik vi at vide, hvad vi var,

we were being asked,

vi blev spurgt,

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Hvad vil du være, når du bliver stor?"

I always thought that was an unfair question.

Jeg syntes, det var et uretfærdigt spørgsmål.

Det forudsætter, at vi ikke kan være, hvad vi allerede er.

It presupposes that we can't be what we already are.

We were kids.

Vi var børn.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a man.

Da jeg var et barn, ville jeg være en mand.

I wanted a registered retirement savings plan

Jeg ville have en pension,

that would keep me in candy long enough to make old age sweet.

der kunne give mig slik nok til at forsøde alderdommen.

(Laughter)

Da jeg var barn, ville jeg barbere mig.

When I was a kid, I wanted to shave.

Now, not so much.

Ikke så meget længere.

(Laughter)

When I was eight, I wanted to be a marine biologist.

Da jeg var otte, ville jeg være marinebiolog.

When I was nine, I saw the movie "Jaws,"

Da jeg var ni, så jeg "Dødens Gab,"

and thought to myself, "No, thank you."

og tænkte, "Ellers tak."

(Laughter)

Da jeg var 10, fik jeg at vide, at mine forældre forlod mig, fordi de ikke ville have mig.

And when I was 10,

I was told that my parents left because they didn't want me.

Da jeg var 11, ville jeg lades alene.

When I was 11, I wanted to be left alone.

Da jeg var 12, ville jeg dø. Da jeg var 13, ville jeg dræbe et barn.

When I was 12, I wanted to die. When I was 13, I wanted to kill a kid.

When I was 14, I was asked to seriously consider a career path.

Da jeg var 14, blev jeg bedt om for alvor at vælge en karrierevej.

I said, "I'd like to be a writer."

Jeg sagde, "Jeg vil gerne være forfatter."

Og de sagde, "Vælg noget realistisk."

And they said, "Choose something realistic."

So I said, "Professional wrestler."

Så jeg sagde, "Professionel wrestler."

And they said, "Don't be stupid."

Og de sagde, "Vær ikke dum."

See, they asked me what I wanted to be,

De spurgte mig, hvad jeg ville være,

then told me what not to be.

og sagde så, hvad jeg ikke skulle være.

And I wasn't the only one.

Jeg var ikke den eneste.

Vi fik at vide, at vi på en eller anden måde skulle blive,

We were being told that we somehow must become

what we are not, sacrificing what we are

hvad vi ikke er, ofre hvad vi er

to inherit the masquerade of what we will be.

for at arve maskeraden om, hvad vi vil blive.

Jeg skulle acceptere identiteten,

I was being told to accept the identity that others will give me.

som andre ville give mig.

And I wondered, what made my dreams so easy to dismiss?

Og jeg undrede mig, hvad gjorde mine drømme så lette at affeje?

Granted, my dreams are shy,

Selvom mine drømme er generte,

because they're Canadian.

fordi de er canadiske. (Latter)

(Laughter)

Mine drømme er selvbevidste og overdrevet undskyldende.

My dreams are self-conscious and overly apologetic.

They're standing alone at the high school dance,

De står alene til gymnasiegallaen,

and they've never been kissed.

og de er aldrig blevet kysset.

See, my dreams got called names too.

Mine drømme bliver nemlig også kaldt navne.

Silly. Foolish.

Fjollede. Tåbelige. Umulige.

Impossible.

But I kept dreaming.

Men jeg blev ved at drømme.

I was going to be a wrestler. I had it all figured out.

Jeg skulle være wrestler. Jeg havde planlagt alt.

Jeg ville være Skraldemanden.

I was going to be The Garbage Man.

(Laughter)

Mit nådesstød skulle være Komprimeringsmaskinen.

My finishing move was going to be The Trash Compactor.

My saying was going to be, "I'm taking out the trash!"

Mit slagord skulle være, "Jeg bærer skraldet ud!"

(Laughter)

(Latter) (Bifald)

(Applause)

Og så stjal ham her Duke "Skraldespanden" Droese

And then this guy, Duke "The Dumpster" Droese,

hele mit nummer.

stole my entire shtick.

(Laughter)

I was crushed,

Jeg var knust som af en komprimeringsmaskine.

as if by a trash compactor.

(Laughter)

I thought to myself, "What now? Where do I turn?"

Jeg tænkte, "Hvad nu? Hvor vender jeg mig hen?"

Poetry.

Poesi.

(Laughter)

Like a boomerang, the thing I loved came back to me.

Som en boomerang, vendte det, jeg elskede, tilbage.

One of the first lines of poetry I can remember writing

En af de første poetiske linjer, jeg husker at skrive,

was in response to a world that demanded I hate myself.

var som svar til en verden, der krævede, at jeg hadede mig selv.

Fra jeg var 15 til 18, hadede jeg mig selv

From age 15 to 18, I hated myself

for becoming the thing that I loathed:

for at blive, hvad jeg hadede: en bølle.

a bully.

When I was 19, I wrote,

Da jeg var 19, skrev jeg,

"I will love myself despite the ease with which

"Jeg vil elske mig selv trods den lethed, med hvilken

I lean toward the opposite."

jeg læner mod det modsatte."

Standing up for yourself doesn't have to mean

At stå for sig selv behøver ikke at betyde

embracing violence.

at blive voldelig.

When I was a kid,

Da jeg var barn,

I traded in homework assignments for friendship,

byttede jeg afleveringer for venskab,

then gave each friend a late slip for never showing up on time,

gav så hver ven en seddel for aldrig at komme til tiden,

and in most cases, not at all.

og oftest slet ikke.

I gave myself a hall pass to get through each broken promise.

Jeg gav mig selv en pause fra timerne for hvert brudt løfte.

And I remember this plan, born out of frustration

Og jeg husker denne plan, undfanget i frustration

from a kid who kept calling me "Yogi,"

over et barn, der blev ved at kalde mig "Yogi,"

then pointed at my tummy and said, "Too many picnic baskets."

og pegede på min mave og sagde, "For mange skovturskurve."

Turns out it's not that hard to trick someone,

Viser sig, det ikke er så svært at narre andre,

and one day before class, I said,

og en dag før timen, sagde jeg,

"Yeah, you can copy my homework,"

"Ja, du kan kopiere mine lektier,"

and I gave him all the wrong answers that I'd written down the night before.

og jeg gav ham alle de forkerte svar,

jeg havde skrevet aftenen før.

He got his paper back expecting a near-perfect score,

Han fik sin opgave tilbage og forventede en næsten perfekt karakter

and couldn't believe it when he looked across the room at me and held up a zero.

og kunne ikke tro det, da han så på tværs af rummet på mig og holdt et nul op.

Jeg vidste, jeg ikke var nødt til at holde min opgave op med 28 ud af 30,

I knew I didn't have to hold up my paper of 28 out of 30,

but my satisfaction was complete when he looked at me, puzzled,

men min tilfredsstillelse var fuldkommen, da han så forvirret på mig,

and I thought to myself, "Smarter than the average bear, motherfucker."

og jeg tænkte, "Kvikkere end den gennemsnitlige bjørn, røvhul."

(Laughter)

(Latter) (Bifald)

(Applause)

This is who I am.

Dette er, hvem jeg er.

This is how I stand up for myself.

Dette er, hvordan jeg står for mig selv.

When I was a kid,

Da jeg var barn,

I used to think that pork chops and karate chops were the same thing.

plejede jeg at tro, at koteletter og karate hug var det samme.

I thought they were both pork chops.

Jeg troede begge dele var koteletter.

My grandmother thought it was cute,

Og fordi min bedstemor syntes, det var nuttet,

and because they were my favorite, she let me keep doing it.

og fordi de var min livret, lod hun mig blive ved med det.

Not really a big deal.

Ikke noget alvorligt.

One day, before I realized fat kids are not designed to climb trees,

En dag, før jeg indså, at tykke børn ikke er designet til at klatre i træer,

I fell out of a tree and bruised the right side of my body.

faldt jeg ned fra et træ og slog højre side af min krop.

Jeg ville ikke sige det til min bedstemor,

I didn't want to tell my grandmother

fordi jeg var bange for at få problemer for at lege, hvor jeg ikke burde.

because I was scared I'd get in trouble

for playing somewhere I shouldn't have been.

Et par dage senere lagde idrætslæreren mærke til skaden,

The gym teacher noticed the bruise, and I got sent to the principal's office.

og jeg blev sendt til inspektørens kontor.

From there, I was sent to another small room with a really nice lady

Derfra blev jeg sendt ind i et mindre rum

med en rigtig sød dame, som spurgte mig om alt muligt om livet derhjemme.

who asked me all kinds of questions about my life at home.

Jeg så ingen grund til at lyve.

I saw no reason to lie.

As far as I was concerned, life was pretty good.

Så vidt jeg vidste, var livet ret godt.

Jeg sagde, når jeg er ked af det, giver min bedstemor mig karatehug.

I told her, whenever I'm sad, my grandmother gives me karate chops.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

Dette ledte til en gennemgribende efterforskning,

This led to a full-scale investigation,

and I was removed from the house for three days,

og jeg blev fjernet fra huset i tre dage,

until they finally decided to ask how I got the bruises.

indtil de endelig besluttede at spørge, hvordan jeg fik skaden.

News of this silly little story quickly spread through the school,

Historien bredte sig hurtigt på skolen,

and I earned my first nickname:

og jeg fik mit første øgenavn:

Kotelet.

Porkchop.

Den dag i dag hader jeg koteletter.

To this day,

I hate pork chops.

I'm not the only kid who grew up this way,

Jeg er ikke den eneste, der voksede op sådan,

surrounded by people who used to say that rhyme

omringet af folk, der plejede at sige den remse

om grene og sten,

about sticks and stones,

as if broken bones hurt more than the names we got called,

som om brækkede ben gør mere ondt, end de navne vi blev kaldt,

and we got called them all.

og vi blev kaldt dem alle.

So we grew up believing no one would ever fall in love with us,

Så vi voksede op og troede, ingen ville forelske sig i os,

that we'd be lonely forever,

at vi ville være alene for evigt,

that we'd never meet someone to make us feel like the sun

at vi aldrig ville møde nogen, der fik os til at føle, at solen

was something they built for us in their toolshed.

var noget, de byggede til os i deres værksted.

Så de dybe følelser blev tungsindige, og vi forsøgte at tømme os selv, så vi ikke ville mærke noget.

So broken heartstrings bled the blues,

and we tried to empty ourselves so we'd feel nothing.

Sig ikke, det gør mindre ondt end et brækket ben,

Don't tell me that hurts less than a broken bone,

at et indgroet liv er noget kirurger kan skære væk,

that an ingrown life is something surgeons can cut away,

at det ikke kan metastasere; det gør det.

that there's no way for it to metastasize; it does.

She was eight years old,

Hun var otte,

vores første dag i tredje, da hun blev kaldt grim.

our first day of grade three when she got called ugly.

We both got moved to the back of class

Vi blev begge flyttet bagest i klassen,

so we would stop getting bombarded by spitballs.

så vi ikke blev bombarderet af spytkugler.

But the school halls were a battleground.

Men gangene var en slagmark.

We found ourselves outnumbered day after wretched day.

Vi var i undertal hver eneste forbandede dag.

We used to stay inside for recess, because outside was worse.

Vi plejede at blive inde i frikvarteret, fordi udenfor var værre.

Outside, we'd have to rehearse running away,

Udenfor skulle vi øve os i flugt,

or learn to stay still like statues, giving no clues that we were there.

eller lære at stå stille som statuer, lade som om vi ikke var der.

In grade five, they taped a sign to the front of her desk

I femte klistrede de en seddel forrest på hendes bord,

that read, "Beware of dog."

der sagde, "Pas på hunden."

To this day,

Den dag i dag, trods en kærlig mand, tror hun ikke, hun er smuk,

despite a loving husband, she doesn't think she's beautiful,

because of a birthmark that takes up a little less than half her face.

på grund af et modermærke, der fylder lidt under halvdelen af ansigtet.

Kids used to say, "She looks like a wrong answer

Børnene plejede at sige, "Hun ligner et forkert svar,

that someone tried to erase, but couldn't quite get the job done."

nogen forsøgte at viske ud, men ikke helt kunne gøre det."

And they'll never understand that she's raising two kids

Og de vil aldrig forstå, at hun opdrager to børn,

whose definition of beauty begins with the word "Mom,"

hvis definition af skønhed begynder med ordet "Mor,"

because they see her heart before they see her skin,

fordi de ser hendes hjerte, før de ser hendes hud,

because she's only ever always been amazing.

fordi hun altid aldrig har været andet end fantastisk.

Han var en brækket gren, hæftet på et andet stamtræ,

He was a broken branch grafted onto a different family tree,

adopted,

adopteret,

not because his parents opted for a different destiny.

ikke fordi hans forældre valgte en anden skæbne.

He was three when he became a mixed drink

Han var tre, da han blev en blandet drik

of one part left alone and two parts tragedy,

af en del ladt alene og to dele tragedie,

begyndte i terapi i ottende,

started therapy in eighth grade,

havde en personlighed af prøver og piller,

had a personality made up of tests and pills,

lived like the uphills were mountains and the downhills were cliffs,

levede som var bakkerne opad bjerge og nedad klippeskrænter,

four-fifths suicidal, a tidal wave of antidepressants,

fire femtedele selvmorderisk, en tidevandsbølge af antidepressiva

and an adolescent being called "Popper,"

og en pubertet med tilnavnet "Popper,"

one part because of the pills,

en del på grund af pillerne,

99 parts because of the cruelty.

99 dele på grund af grusomheden.

He tried to kill himself in grade 10

Han prøvede at myrde sig selv i tiende,

when a kid who could still go home to Mom and Dad

da et barn, som stadig kunne gå hjem til Mor og Far,

havde frækhed til at sige, "Kom nu videre."

had the audacity to tell him, "Get over it."

As if depression is something that could be remedied

Som om depression er noget, der kunne klares

af noget af indholdet i en førstehjælpstaske.

by any of the contents found in a first-aid kit.

To this day, he is a stick of TNT lit from both ends,

Den dag i dag er han en dynamitstang tændt i begge ender,

could describe to you in detail the way the sky bends

kunne beskrive i detaljer den måde, himlen bøjer

in the moment before it's about to fall,

øjeblikket før, den falder,

and despite an army of friends who all call him an inspiration,

og trods en hær af venner, der alle kalder ham en inspiration,

he remains a conversation piece between people who can't understand

forbliver han et samtaleemne mellem folk, der ikke kan forstå,

nogle gange har det at være stoffri mindre at gøre med afhængighed

sometimes being drug-free has less to do with addiction

and more to do with sanity.

og mere at gøre med forstand.

We weren't the only kids who grew up this way.

Vi var ikke de eneste børn, der voksede sådan op.

To this day, kids are still being called names.

Den dag i dag bliver børn stadig kaldt navne.

Klassikerne var "Hey dumme," "Hey spasser."

The classics were "Hey, stupid," "Hey, spaz."

Lader til at hver skole har et arsenal af navne,

Seems like every school has an arsenal of names

getting updated every year.

der opdateres årligt,

And if a kid breaks in a school and no one around chooses to hear,

og hvis et barn bryder sammen i skolen, og ingen omkring vælger at høre,

laver de en lyd?

do they make a sound?

Are they just background noise from a soundtrack stuck on repeat,

Er de bare baggrundsstøj fra en lydspor, der er gået i hak,

when people say things like, "Kids can be cruel."

når folk siger ting som, "Børn kan være onde."

Every school was a big top circus tent,

Hver skole var et højt cirkustelt,

og mobbehierarkiet gik fra akrobater til løvetæmmere,

and the pecking order went from acrobats to lion tamers,

from clowns to carnies, all of these miles ahead of who we were.

fra klovne til gøglere, alle kilometer foran det, vi var.

Vi var vanskabninger --hummerklo-drenge og skæggede kvinder,

We were freaks --

lobster-claw boys and bearded ladies,

oddities juggling depression and loneliness,

skævheder jonglerende depression og ensomhed,

playing solitaire, spin the bottle,

spillende kabale, flaskehalsen peger på,

trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal,

forsøgte at kysse vores skadede dele og hele,

but at night, while the others slept,

men om natten, mens de andre sov,

we kept walking the tightrope.

blev vi ved at gå på linen.

Det var øvelse, og ja, nogle af os faldt.

It was practice, and yes, some of us fell.

But I want to tell them that all of this

Men jeg vil sige dem, at alt dette

is just debris

blot er rester, fra da vi endelig besluttede at smadre

left over when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought we used to be,

alle de ting, vi troede vi plejede at være,

and if you can't see anything beautiful about yourself,

og hvis du ikke kan se noget smukt ved dig selv,

get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer,

få et bedre spejl, se lidt nærmere, stir lidt længere,

for der er noget inde i dig, der fik dig til at fortsætte,

because there's something inside you that made you keep trying

trods alle dem, der bad dig stoppe.

despite everyone who told you to quit.

Du byggede en kaste om dit knuste hjerte og underskrev det selv.

You built a cast around your broken heart

and signed it yourself, "They were wrong."

Du underskrev det, "De tog fejl."

Because maybe you didn't belong to a group or a clique.

For måske tilhørte du ikke en gruppe eller en klike.

Maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything.

Måske valgte de dig sidst til basketball eller alt.

Maybe you used to bring bruises and broken teeth to show-and-tell, but never told,

Måske tog du mærker og brækkede tænder til vis-og-fortæl, men fortalte aldrig,

because how can you hold your ground

for hvordan kan du stå fast,

if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it?

når alle omkring dig vil begrave dig under jorden?

Du er nødt til at tro på, de tog fejl.

You have to believe that they were wrong.

They have to be wrong.

De er nødt til at tage fejl.

Why else would we still be here?

Hvorfor ville vi ellers stadig være her?

Vi voksede op med at heppe på underhunden,

We grew up learning to cheer on the underdog

because we see ourselves in them.

fordi vi ser os selv i dem.

Vi stammer fra en rod plantet i den tro,

We stem from a root planted in the belief

that we are not what we were called.

at vi ikke er, hvad vi blev kaldt.

We are not abandoned cars stalled out and sitting empty on some highway,

Vi er ikke forladte biler gået i stå,

der står tomme på motorvejen,

and if in some way we are, don't worry.

og hvis vi på en måde er, tag det roligt.

Vi steg kun ud for at hente benzin.

We only got out to walk and get gas.

Vi er studenter fra årgangen af Vi Klarede Det,

We are graduating members from the class of We Made It,

not the faded echoes of voices crying out,

ikke de falmede ekko af stemmer, der råber,

"Names will never hurt me."

"Navne vil aldrig skade mig."

Of course they did.

Selvfølgelig gjorde de det.

But our lives will only ever always continue to be a balancing act

Men vores liv vil aldrig være

andet end et balancenummer,

that has less to do with pain

der har mindre at gøre med smerte

and more to do with beauty.

og mere med skønhed.

(Applause)

(Bifald)