"To This Day" ... for the bullied and beautiful | Shane Koyczan

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

Translator: Nika Ambrožič Reviewer: Dean Mavric

Toliko vas je.

There's so many of you.

(Laughter)

When I was a kid,

Ko sem bil majhen,

I hid my heart under the bed, because my mother said,

sem svoje srce skril pod posteljo, ker mi je mama dejala:

"Če ne boš previden, ti ga bo nekdo nekega dne strl."

"If you're not careful, someday someone's going to break it."

Take it from me: Under the bed is not a good hiding spot.

Verjemite mi, da pod posteljo ni dobro skrivališče.

Vem, ker so me že tolikokrat zatrli,

I know because I've been shot down so many times,

I get altitude sickness just from standing up for myself.

da se mi zvrti od višine, že ko se postavim zase.

But that's what we were told.

A to nam pravijo.

"Stand up for yourself."

Da se moramo postaviti zase.

And that's hard to do if you don't know who you are.

To je težko, če ne veš, kdo si.

We were expected to define ourselves at such an early age,

Pri tako majhni starosti so od nas pričakovali, da se definiramo,

and if we didn't do it, others did it for us.

in, če se nismo sami, so nas pa drugi.

Geek. Fatty.

Geek. Debeluh. Kurba. Peder.

Slut. Fag.

And at the same time we were being told what we were,

Ob istem času, ko so nam govorili, kaj smo,

we were being asked,

so nas spraševali:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Kaj hočeš postati, ko odrasteš?"

I always thought that was an unfair question.

Od nekdaj se mi je to zdelo nepošteno vprašanje.

Predpostavlja, da ne moremo biti to, kar že smo.

It presupposes that we can't be what we already are.

We were kids.

Bili smo otroci.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a man.

Ko sem bil otrok, sem si želel biti moški.

I wanted a registered retirement savings plan

Želel sem ustvariti načrt za varčevanje za pokoj,

that would keep me in candy long enough to make old age sweet.

ki bi dovolj dolgo skrbelo za zalogo sladkarij, ki bi sladkale moja stara leta.

(Laughter)

Ko sem bil otrok, sem se hotel briti.

When I was a kid, I wanted to shave.

Now, not so much.

Zdaj pa niti ne.

(Laughter)

When I was eight, I wanted to be a marine biologist.

Ko sem bil star osem let, sem hotel biti morski biolog.

When I was nine, I saw the movie "Jaws,"

Ko sem bil star devet let, sem videl film "Žrelo"

and thought to myself, "No, thank you."

in sem si mislil: "Ne, hvala."

(Laughter)

Ko sem bil star deset, so mi dejali, da so me starši zapustili, ker me niso želeli imeti.

And when I was 10,

I was told that my parents left because they didn't want me.

Ko sem bil star 11, sem želel biti sam.

When I was 11, I wanted to be left alone.

Ko sem bil star 12, sem želel umreti. Ko sem bil star 13, sem želel ubiti nekega mulca.

When I was 12, I wanted to die. When I was 13, I wanted to kill a kid.

When I was 14, I was asked to seriously consider a career path.

Ko sem bil star 14, so mi dejali, naj resno razmislim o karieri.

I said, "I'd like to be a writer."

Rekel sem: "Rad bi bil pisatelj."

Rekli so mi: "Izberi si nekaj realističnega."

And they said, "Choose something realistic."

So I said, "Professional wrestler."

Na to sem dejal: "Poklicni rokoborec."

And they said, "Don't be stupid."

Dejali so: "Ne bodi neumen."

See, they asked me what I wanted to be,

Veste, vprašali so me, kaj hočem biti,

then told me what not to be.

in mi nato dejali, česa ne smem biti.

And I wasn't the only one.

Nisem bil edini.

Dejali so nam, da moramo nekako postati,

We were being told that we somehow must become

what we are not, sacrificing what we are

kar nismo, žrtvovati, kar smo,

to inherit the masquerade of what we will be.

da bi podedovali pretvarjanje tega, kar bomo postali.

Dejali so mi, naj sprejmem identiteto,

I was being told to accept the identity that others will give me.

ki mi jo bodo nadeli drugi.

And I wondered, what made my dreams so easy to dismiss?

Spraševal sem se, zakaj so moje sanje tako zlahka odpisali.

Granted, my dreams are shy,

Moje sanje so resda majhne,

because they're Canadian.

ker so iz Kanade. (smeh)

(Laughter)

Moje sanje so nesamozavestne in preveč opravičujoče.

My dreams are self-conscious and overly apologetic.

They're standing alone at the high school dance,

Same stojijo na srednješolskem plesu

and they've never been kissed.

in nikoli jih še nihče ni poljubil.

See, my dreams got called names too.

Veste, tudi moje sanje so zmerjali.

Silly. Foolish.

Trapaste. Butaste. Nemogoče.

Impossible.

But I kept dreaming.

A jaz sem sanjal naprej.

I was going to be a wrestler. I had it all figured out.

Postal naj bi rokoborec. Vse mi je bilo jasno.

Bil bi "Smetar".

I was going to be The Garbage Man.

(Laughter)

Moja glavna poteza bi bila "Stiskalec smeti".

My finishing move was going to be The Trash Compactor.

My saying was going to be, "I'm taking out the trash!"

Moj moto bi bil: "Ven bom odnesel smeti."

(Laughter)

(smeh) (aplavz)

(Applause)

Potem pa se je pojavil ta tip, Duke "Kontejner" Droese,

And then this guy, Duke "The Dumpster" Droese,

ki je popolnoma ukradel mojo idejo.

stole my entire shtick.

(Laughter)

I was crushed,

Stisnilo me je, kot bi to storil stiskalec smeti.

as if by a trash compactor.

(Laughter)

I thought to myself, "What now? Where do I turn?"

Sam sebi sem rekel: "Kaj pa zdaj? Kam se obrnem?"

Poetry.

K poeziji.

(Laughter)

Like a boomerang, the thing I loved came back to me.

Stvar, ki sem jo oboževal, se je kot bumerang vrnila nazaj k meni.

One of the first lines of poetry I can remember writing

Ena izmed mojih prvih vrstic, ki se jih spominjam,

was in response to a world that demanded I hate myself.

je bil odgovor svetu, ki je zahteval, da sovražim samega sebe.

Od starosti 15 do 18 sem se sovražil,

From age 15 to 18, I hated myself

for becoming the thing that I loathed:

ker sem postal, to kar sem preziral: nasilnež.

a bully.

When I was 19, I wrote,

Ko sem bil star 19, sem napisal:

"I will love myself despite the ease with which

"Ljubil bom samega sebe kljub lahkoti,

I lean toward the opposite."

s katero se nagibam k nasprotnem."

Standing up for yourself doesn't have to mean

To, da se postaviš zase, ne pomeni nujno,

embracing violence.

da sprejmeš nasilje.

When I was a kid,

Ko sem bil otrok,

I traded in homework assignments for friendship,

sem domače naloge menjal v zameno za prijateljstvo,

then gave each friend a late slip for never showing up on time,

in svojim prijateljem odpustil, kadar so zamudili

and in most cases, not at all.

ali se (pogosto) sploh niso prikazali.

I gave myself a hall pass to get through each broken promise.

Sam sebi sem omogočil beg iz učilnice, da sem se spopadel z vsako prelomljeno obljubo.

And I remember this plan, born out of frustration

Tega načrta se spominjam. Nastal je iz frustracije

from a kid who kept calling me "Yogi,"

zaradi otroka, ki me je klical "Yogi"

then pointed at my tummy and said, "Too many picnic baskets."

nato pa je pokazal na moj trebuh in dejal: "Preveč piknikov."

Turns out it's not that hard to trick someone,

Izkazalo se je, da ni tako težko prelisičiti nekoga.

and one day before class, I said,

Nekega dne sem pred poukom rekel:

"Yeah, you can copy my homework,"

"Ja, lahko prepišeš nalogo,"

and I gave him all the wrong answers that I'd written down the night before.

in mu dal napačne odgovore,

ki sem jih zapisal prejšnji večer.

He got his paper back expecting a near-perfect score,

Ko je dobil nalogo nazaj, je pričakoval skoraj popoln rezultat

and couldn't believe it when he looked across the room at me and held up a zero.

in ni mogel verjeti, ko me je pogledal preko sobe in pokazal list z oceno nezadostno.

Vedel sem, da mi ni treba pokazati svojega rezultata, ki je bil 28 od 30,

I knew I didn't have to hold up my paper of 28 out of 30,

but my satisfaction was complete when he looked at me, puzzled,

a moje zadovoljstvo je bilo popolno, ko me je zmedeno pogledal

and I thought to myself, "Smarter than the average bear, motherfucker."

in sem si mislil: "Pametnejši kot navaden medved, pičkica."

(Laughter)

(smeh) (aplavz)

(Applause)

This is who I am.

To sem jaz.

This is how I stand up for myself.

Tako se postavim zase.

When I was a kid,

Ko sem bil otrok,

I used to think that pork chops and karate chops were the same thing.

sem mislil, da sta kotlet in kotel ista reč.

I thought they were both pork chops.

Mislil sem, da sta oba kotlet.

My grandmother thought it was cute,

Ker se je moji babici to zdelo prisrčno

and because they were my favorite, she let me keep doing it.

in ker sem bil njen najljubši, mi je pustila, da nadaljujem s tem.

Not really a big deal.

Ni bila velika reč.

One day, before I realized fat kids are not designed to climb trees,

Nekega dne, preden sem spoznal, da debeli otroci niso narejeni za plezanje po drevesih,

I fell out of a tree and bruised the right side of my body.

sem padel z drevesa in si potolkel desno stran telesa.

Nisem hotel povedati babici,

I didn't want to tell my grandmother

ker me je bilo strah, da bom v težavah, ker sem se igral, kjer se ne bi smel.

because I was scared I'd get in trouble

for playing somewhere I shouldn't have been.

Nekaj dni kasneje je učiteljica pri športni vzgoji opazila modrico

The gym teacher noticed the bruise, and I got sent to the principal's office.

in poslali so me k ravnatelju.

From there, I was sent to another small room with a really nice lady

Potem so me poslali v še eno manjšo sobo,

kjer me je zelo prijazna gospa spraševala vse vrste vprašanj o mojem življenju doma.

who asked me all kinds of questions about my life at home.

Nisem videl razlogov za laž.

I saw no reason to lie.

As far as I was concerned, life was pretty good.

Kar se mene tiče, je bilo življenje kar dobro.

Povedal sem, da me babi, kadar sem žalosten, da v kotel.

I told her, whenever I'm sad, my grandmother gives me karate chops.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

To je pripeljalo do temeljite preiskave

This led to a full-scale investigation,

and I was removed from the house for three days,

in za tri dni so me odpeljali iz hiše,

until they finally decided to ask how I got the bruises.

ko so se končno odločili, da bi vprašali, od kje modrice.

News of this silly little story quickly spread through the school,

Ta kratka smešna zgodbica se je hitro razširila po šoli

and I earned my first nickname:

in prislužil sem si prvi vzdevek:

Kotlet.

Porkchop.

Še danes sovražim kotlete.

To this day,

I hate pork chops.

I'm not the only kid who grew up this way,

Nisem edini otrok, ki je tako odrasel;

surrounded by people who used to say that rhyme

obkrožen z ljudmi, ki so govorili,

da besede ne bolijo toliko kot poškodbe,

about sticks and stones,

as if broken bones hurt more than the names we got called,

kot da bi zlomi kosti boleli bolj kot žaljivke,

and we got called them all.

katerih žrtev smo bili vsi.

So we grew up believing no one would ever fall in love with us,

Odrasli smo misleč, da se nihče nikoli ne bo zaljubil v nas,

that we'd be lonely forever,

da bomo večno osamljeni,

that we'd never meet someone to make us feel like the sun

da ne bomo nikoli spoznali nekoga, ki bi v nas prebudil občutek, da so sonce

was something they built for us in their toolshed.

za nas zgradili oni v svoji delavnici.

Zlomljeno srce je pelo blues in mi smo se poskusili izprazniti, da ne bi ničesar čutili.

So broken heartstrings bled the blues,

and we tried to empty ourselves so we'd feel nothing.

Ne recite mi, da to boli manj kot zlom kosti,

Don't tell me that hurts less than a broken bone,

da je vase zaprto življenje nekaj, kar lahko kirurgi izrežejo,

that an ingrown life is something surgeons can cut away,

za katerega ni načina, da bi ga presadili, a boli.

that there's no way for it to metastasize; it does.

She was eight years old,

Stara je bila osem let,

bil je prvi dan tretjega razreda, ko so ji rekla, da je grda.

our first day of grade three when she got called ugly.

We both got moved to the back of class

Oba sva se premaknila na zadnji del razreda,

so we would stop getting bombarded by spitballs.

da naju bi nehali obmetavati s papirčki.

But the school halls were a battleground.

A hodniki šole so bili bojišče.

We found ourselves outnumbered day after wretched day.

Vsak mučen dan sva bila v manjšini.

We used to stay inside for recess, because outside was worse.

Med odmorom sva ostala notri, ker je bilo zunaj huje.

Outside, we'd have to rehearse running away,

Zunaj sva vadila, kako pobegniti

or learn to stay still like statues, giving no clues that we were there.

ali kako stati pri miru kot kipa in ne nakazati, da sva tam.

In grade five, they taped a sign to the front of her desk

V petem razredu so na sprednji del njene mize nalepili list,

that read, "Beware of dog."

na katerem je pisalo: "Pozor, hud pes!"

To this day,

Še danes, kljub ljubečemu možu ne misli, da je lepa,

despite a loving husband, she doesn't think she's beautiful,

because of a birthmark that takes up a little less than half her face.

ker ima na skoraj polovici obraza materino znamenje.

Kids used to say, "She looks like a wrong answer

Otroci so rekli: "Videti je kot napačen odgovor,

that someone tried to erase, but couldn't quite get the job done."

ki ga je nekdo poskusil izbrisati, a mu ni popolnoma uspelo."

And they'll never understand that she's raising two kids

In nikoli ne bodo razumeli, da vzgaja dva otroka,

whose definition of beauty begins with the word "Mom,"

katerih definicija lepote se začne z besedo "mama",

because they see her heart before they see her skin,

ker vidijo njeno srce, prej kot vidijo njeno kožo,

because she's only ever always been amazing.

ker je od zmeraj bila nič manj kot neverjetna.

On je bil lomljena veja, ki so jo pripeli na drugo družinsko drevo,

He was a broken branch grafted onto a different family tree,

adopted,

posvojen,

not because his parents opted for a different destiny.

in ne ker bi njegovi starši izbrali drugačno usodo.

He was three when he became a mixed drink

Ko je bil star tri leta, je postal koktejl

of one part left alone and two parts tragedy,

iz samote in tragedije.

V osmem razredu je začel s terapijo,

started therapy in eighth grade,

imel je osebnost iz testov in tablet,

had a personality made up of tests and pills,

lived like the uphills were mountains and the downhills were cliffs,

živel tako kot bi bile vzpetine in spusti gore prepadi.

four-fifths suicidal, a tidal wave of antidepressants,

Delno je bil sestavljen iz samomorilskih nagnenj, monsuna antidepresivov.

and an adolescent being called "Popper,"

V puberteti so ga klicali "fiksar"

one part because of the pills,

delno zaradi tablet

99 parts because of the cruelty.

a večinoma iz krutosti.

He tried to kill himself in grade 10

V drugem letniku se je poskušal ubiti,

when a kid who could still go home to Mom and Dad

ker si je nek mulc, ki je še vedno lahko šel domov k mami in očetu,

drznil reči: "Preboli že."

had the audacity to tell him, "Get over it."

As if depression is something that could be remedied

Kot da bi se depresijo lahko pozdravilo

z nečim iz prve pomoči.

by any of the contents found in a first-aid kit.

To this day, he is a stick of TNT lit from both ends,

Še danes je kot palica TNT-ja, ki je prižgana z obeh strani,

could describe to you in detail the way the sky bends

ki bi vam lahko podrobno opisal, kako se upogiba nebo

in the moment before it's about to fall,

trenutek preden se bi sesulo.

and despite an army of friends who all call him an inspiration,

Kljub gruči prijateljev, ki mu pravijo, da je navdih,

he remains a conversation piece between people who can't understand

ostaja predmet pogovora za ljudi, ki ne razumejo,

da je biti brez drog manj povezano z zasvojenostjo

sometimes being drug-free has less to do with addiction

and more to do with sanity.

in več z duševnim zdravjem.

We weren't the only kids who grew up this way.

Nismo bili edini otroci, ki smo tako odrasli.

To this day, kids are still being called names.

Še danes se otroke zmerja.

Običajno jim pravijo: "Kje si tele," ali "Kje si budala."

The classics were "Hey, stupid," "Hey, spaz."

Zdi se, da ima vsaka šola orožarno zmerljivk,

Seems like every school has an arsenal of names

getting updated every year.

ki se vsako leto posodablja.

And if a kid breaks in a school and no one around chooses to hear,

Če se nek otrok v šoli zlomi ter ni nikogar naokrog, ki bi to želel slišati,

ali sploh oddajajo zvok?

do they make a sound?

Are they just background noise from a soundtrack stuck on repeat,

Ali so le zvoki iz ozadja na plošči, ki se je zataknila,

when people say things like, "Kids can be cruel."

ko ljudje rečejo nekaj takega kot: "Otroci so lahko kruti."

Every school was a big top circus tent,

Vsaka šola je bil velik cirkuški šotor

in prehranjevalna veriga je šla od akrobatov do krotilcev levov,

and the pecking order went from acrobats to lion tamers,

from clowns to carnies, all of these miles ahead of who we were.

od klovnov so delavcev, ki so bili kilometre pred tem, kdo smo.

Mi smo bili čudaki: fantje s kleščami namesto rok, bradate ženske

We were freaks --

lobster-claw boys and bearded ladies,

oddities juggling depression and loneliness,

čudni ljudje, ki so žonglirali z depresijo in osamljenostjo,

playing solitaire, spin the bottle,

ki so igrali pasjanso, zavrti steklenico,

trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal,

poskušali poljubiti ranjene dele samega sebe, da bi se pozdravili.

but at night, while the others slept,

Ponoči pa, ko so vsi spali,

we kept walking the tightrope.

smo še kar hodili po vrvi.

To je bila vaja in nekateri izmed nas so padli.

It was practice, and yes, some of us fell.

But I want to tell them that all of this

A želel sem jim povedati, da so vse to

is just debris

le črepinje, če se končno odločimo razbiti

left over when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought we used to be,

vse reči, za katero smo mislili, da smo to mi,

and if you can't see anything beautiful about yourself,

in če pri sebi ne vidite ničesar lepega,

get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer,

si kupite boljše ogledalo, se bolj pozorno zazrite in malo dalj strmite,

ker je znotraj vas nekaj, zaradi česar ste se še naprej trudili,

because there's something inside you that made you keep trying

kljub vsem, ki so vam dejali, da odnehajte.

despite everyone who told you to quit.

Okoli zlomljenega srca, ste si zgradili mavec in ga sami podpisali.

You built a cast around your broken heart

and signed it yourself, "They were wrong."

Napisali ste: "Niso imeli prav."

Because maybe you didn't belong to a group or a clique.

Morda niste pripadali skupini ali kliki.

Maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything.

Morda so vas vedno izbrali zadnje pri košarki.

Maybe you used to bring bruises and broken teeth to show-and-tell, but never told,

Morda ste na "pokaži, kaj znaš" prinesli modrice in zlomljene zobe, a tega nikoli niste povedali,

because how can you hold your ground

ker, kako naj se postaviš zase,

if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it?

če ti vsi spodkopavajo tla pod nogami?

Morali ste verjeti, da nimajo prav.

You have to believe that they were wrong.

They have to be wrong.

Morajo se motiti.

Why else would we still be here?

Zakaj bi drugače še bili tu?

Med odraščanjem so nas naučili naj spodbujamo neverjetnega zmagovalca,

We grew up learning to cheer on the underdog

because we see ourselves in them.

ker sami sebe vidimo v njih.

Zrasli smo iz korenine, ki so jo posadili v vero,

We stem from a root planted in the belief

that we are not what we were called.

da nismo to, kar nam pravijo, da smo.

We are not abandoned cars stalled out and sitting empty on some highway,

Nismo zapuščeni avtomobili, ki so se pokvarili

in prazni stojijo na avtocesti.

and if in some way we are, don't worry.

Če pa na nek način smo, naj vas ne skrbi.

Samo stopiti moramo ven in iti po bencin.

We only got out to walk and get gas.

Mi smo maturanti razreda "Uspelo nam je"

We are graduating members from the class of We Made It,

not the faded echoes of voices crying out,

in ne medli odmevi glasov, ki kričijo:

"Names will never hurt me."

"Zmerljivke me ne bolijo."

Of course they did.

Seveda, da nas.

But our lives will only ever always continue to be a balancing act

A naša življenja bodo vedno

bila lovljenje ravnotežja,

that has less to do with pain

ki se manj nanaša na bolečino

and more to do with beauty.

in več na lepoto.

(Applause)

(aplavz)