"To This Day" ... for the bullied and beautiful | Shane Koyczan

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

Prevoditelj: Ivan Stamenković Recezent: Mislav Ante Omazić - EFZG

Toliko vas puno ima.

There's so many of you.

(Laughter)

When I was a kid,

Kada sam bio dijete,

I hid my heart under the bed, because my mother said,

skrivao sam srce ispod kreveta, jer je moja majka rekla,

"Ako ne budeš pazio, netko će ti ga jednog dana slomiti."

"If you're not careful, someday someone's going to break it."

Take it from me: Under the bed is not a good hiding spot.

Vjerujte mi. Ispod kreveta nije dobro mjesto za skrivanje.

Znam to jer sam odbijen toliko puta

I know because I've been shot down so many times,

I get altitude sickness just from standing up for myself.

da dobijam visinsku bolest kada se zauzmem za sebe.

But that's what we were told.

Ali to je ono što nam kažu.

"Stand up for yourself."

Zauzmite se za sebe.

And that's hard to do if you don't know who you are.

A to je teško učiniti ako ne znate tko ste.

We were expected to define ourselves at such an early age,

Od nas se očekivalo da definiramo sebe u tako ranoj dobi,

and if we didn't do it, others did it for us.

i ako mi to nismo učinili, drugi to učine za nas.

Geek. Fatty.

Štreber. Debeljuca. Drolja. Peder.

Slut. Fag.

And at the same time we were being told what we were,

I za to vrijeme dok su nam govorili što smo,

we were being asked,

pitali su nas,

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Što želite biti kad odrastete?"

I always thought that was an unfair question.

Uvijek sam mislio kako je to nepošteno pitanje.

To je pretpostavka da ne možemo biti ono što već jesmo.

It presupposes that we can't be what we already are.

We were kids.

Bili smo djeca.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a man.

Kada sam bio dijete, htio sam biti muškarac.

I wanted a registered retirement savings plan

Htio sam plan za štednju za mirovinu

that would keep me in candy long enough to make old age sweet.

koji će me održati bogatim dovoljno dugo da mi starost bude slatka.

(Laughter)

Kada sam bio dijete, htio sam se brijati.

When I was a kid, I wanted to shave.

Now, not so much.

Sada, ne toliko.

(Laughter)

When I was eight, I wanted to be a marine biologist.

Kada sam imao osam godina htio sam biti morski biolog.

When I was nine, I saw the movie "Jaws,"

Kada sam imao devet godina, vidio sam film "Ralje",

and thought to myself, "No, thank you."

i pomislio sam: "Ne, hvala."

(Laughter)

I kada sam imao deset, rečeno mi je da su moji roditelji otišli jer me nisu željeli.

And when I was 10,

I was told that my parents left because they didn't want me.

Kad sam imao 11, htio sam da me ostave na miru.

When I was 11, I wanted to be left alone.

Kad sam imao 12, htio sam umrijeti. Kad sam imao 13, htio sam ubiti dječaka.

When I was 12, I wanted to die. When I was 13, I wanted to kill a kid.

When I was 14, I was asked to seriously consider a career path.

Kada sam imao 14, tražili su od mene da ozbiljno razmišljam o karijeri.

I said, "I'd like to be a writer."

Rekao sam da želim biti pisac.

And they said, "Choose something realistic."

Rekli su odaberi nešto realistično.

So I said, "Professional wrestler."

Pa sam rekao: "Profesionalni hrvač."

And they said, "Don't be stupid."

I rekli su: "Ne budi glup."

See, they asked me what I wanted to be,

Vidite, pitali su me što želim biti,

then told me what not to be.

onda mi rekli što da ne budem.

And I wasn't the only one.

I ja nisam bio jedini.

Govorili su nam da nekako moramo postati

We were being told that we somehow must become

what we are not, sacrificing what we are

ono što nismo, žrtvujući ono što jesmo

to inherit the masquerade of what we will be.

da naslijedimo pretvaranje onoga što ćemo biti.

Rekli su mi da prihvatim identitet

I was being told to accept the identity that others will give me.

koji će mi drugi dati.

And I wondered, what made my dreams so easy to dismiss?

I pitao sam se, što čini moje snove takvima da ih mogu odbaciti?

Granted, my dreams are shy,

Priznajem, moji snovi su stidljivi,

because they're Canadian.

jer su kanadski. (Smijeh)

(Laughter)

Moji snovi su samosvjesni i previše se ispričavaju.

My dreams are self-conscious and overly apologetic.

They're standing alone at the high school dance,

Stoje sami na plesu u srednjoj školi,

and they've never been kissed.

i nikad nisu poljubljeni.

See, my dreams got called names too.

Vidite, moji snovi su također nazivani imenima.

Silly. Foolish.

Blesavi, luckasti, nemogući.

Impossible.

But I kept dreaming.

Ali nastavljao sam sanjati.

I was going to be a wrestler. I had it all figured out.

Planirao sam biti hrvač. Sve sam isplanirao.

Planirao sam biti Smetlar.

I was going to be The Garbage Man.

(Laughter)

Moj završavajući potez bio bi Drobilica smeća.

My finishing move was going to be The Trash Compactor.

My saying was going to be, "I'm taking out the trash!"

Moja uzrečica bila bi: "Iznosim smeće!"

(Laughter)

(Smijeh) (Pljesak)

(Applause)

I onda je ovaj tip, Duke "Kontejner" Droese,

And then this guy, Duke "The Dumpster" Droese,

ukrao moju čitavu točku.

stole my entire shtick.

(Laughter)

I was crushed,

Bio sam zdrobljen, kao u drobilici smeća.

as if by a trash compactor.

(Laughter)

I thought to myself, "What now? Where do I turn?"

Pomislio sam "Što sad? Gdje da se okrenem?"

Poetry.

Poezija.

(Laughter)

Like a boomerang, the thing I loved came back to me.

Kao bumerang, stvar koju volim vratila mi se.

One of the first lines of poetry I can remember writing

Jedna od prvih strofa kojih se sjećam da sam napisao

was in response to a world that demanded I hate myself.

je bila u odgovor na svijet koji je tražio da se mrzim.

Od 15. do 18. godine mrzio sam se

From age 15 to 18, I hated myself

for becoming the thing that I loathed:

jer sam postao stvar koju sam prezirao: nasilnik.

a bully.

When I was 19, I wrote,

Kada sam imao 19, napisao sam,

"I will love myself despite the ease with which

"Voljet ću se unatoč lakoći kojom

I lean toward the opposite."

naginjem prema suprotnom."

Standing up for yourself doesn't have to mean

Zauzeti se za sebe ne mora značiti

embracing violence.

prigrliti nasilje.

When I was a kid,

Kad sam bio dječak,

I traded in homework assignments for friendship,

mjenjao sam zadaću za prijateljstvo,

then gave each friend a late slip for never showing up on time,

i onda dao ispričnicu za kašnjenje svakom prijatelju jer se nisu pojavljivali na vrijeme,

and in most cases, not at all.

i u većni slučajeva nisu se pojavili uopće.

I gave myself a hall pass to get through each broken promise.

Dao sam si propusnice da prođem kroz svako prekršeno obećanje.

And I remember this plan, born out of frustration

I sjećam se tog plana, rođenog iz frustracije

from a kid who kept calling me "Yogi,"

zbog dječaka koji me stalno zvao "Yogi",

then pointed at my tummy and said, "Too many picnic baskets."

a zatim pokazao na moj trbuh i rekao: "Previše košara za piknik".

Turns out it's not that hard to trick someone,

Ispada da nije teško nekog prevariti,

and one day before class, I said,

i jednog dana prije predavanja, rekao sam,

"Yeah, you can copy my homework,"

"Da, možeš prepisati moju zadaću."

and I gave him all the wrong answers that I'd written down the night before.

i dao sam mu sve netočne odgovore

koje sam napisao noć prije.

He got his paper back expecting a near-perfect score,

Dobio je svoju zadaću natrag očekujući gotovo savršenu ocjenu,

and couldn't believe it when he looked across the room at me and held up a zero.

i nije mogao vjerovati kada me pogledao i pokazao mi papir sa nulom.

Znao sam da mu ne moram pokazati moj papir sa 28 od 30 točnih odgovora,

I knew I didn't have to hold up my paper of 28 out of 30,

but my satisfaction was complete when he looked at me, puzzled,

ali moje zadovoljstvo bilo je potpuno kada me pogledao, zbunjen

and I thought to myself, "Smarter than the average bear, motherfucker."

i pomislio sam "Pametniji od prosječnog medvjeda, jebivjetre."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh) (Pljesak)

(Applause)

This is who I am.

To sam ja.

This is how I stand up for myself.

Tako se zauzimam za sebe.

When I was a kid,

Kad sam bio dječak,

I used to think that pork chops and karate chops were the same thing.

mislio sam da su svinjski odresci i karate udarci ista stvar. (karate chops = udarci; pork chops = odresci)

I thought they were both pork chops.

Mislio sam da su oboje odresci.

My grandmother thought it was cute,

I zato što je moja baka mislila da je slatko

and because they were my favorite, she let me keep doing it.

i zato što su mi bili najdraži, pustila me da to radim.

Not really a big deal.

Nije velika stvar.

One day, before I realized fat kids are not designed to climb trees,

Jednog dana, prije nego sam shvatio da debela djeca nisu napravljena da se penju na drveće,

I fell out of a tree and bruised the right side of my body.

pao sam s drveta i ozlijedio desnu stranu svog tijela.

Nisam htio reći baki za to

I didn't want to tell my grandmother

jer sam se bojao da ću upasti u nevolje jer sam se igrao negdje gdje nisam smio.

because I was scared I'd get in trouble

for playing somewhere I shouldn't have been.

Par dana poslije, moj učitelj tjelesnog primjetio je masnicu,

The gym teacher noticed the bruise, and I got sent to the principal's office.

i poslali su me u ravnateljev ured.

From there, I was sent to another small room with a really nice lady

Odande su me poslali u još jednu malu sobu

sa jako ljubaznom gospođom koja me pitala svašta o mom životu kod kuće.

who asked me all kinds of questions about my life at home.

Nisam vido razloga da lažem.

I saw no reason to lie.

As far as I was concerned, life was pretty good.

Što se mene ticalo, život je bio poprilično dobar.

Rekao sam joj, kad god sam tužan, baka mi daje karate udarce.

I told her, whenever I'm sad, my grandmother gives me karate chops.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Ovo je dovelo do prave istrage,

This led to a full-scale investigation,

and I was removed from the house for three days,

i odveli su me od kuće na tri dana,

until they finally decided to ask how I got the bruises.

dok me napokon nisu pitali kako sam dobio masnice.

News of this silly little story quickly spread through the school,

Vijesti o ovoj maloj luckastoj priči brzo su se proširile po školi,

and I earned my first nickname:

i zaradio sam svoj prvi nadimak:

Odrezak.

Porkchop.

Do ovog dana mrzim odreske.

To this day,

I hate pork chops.

I'm not the only kid who grew up this way,

Nisam jedini klinac koji je ovako odrastao,

surrounded by people who used to say that rhyme

okružen ljudima koji su spominjali onu rimu

o drvlju i kamenju,

about sticks and stones,

as if broken bones hurt more than the names we got called,

kao da slomljene kosti bole više od imena kojima su nas zvali,

and we got called them all.

a zvali su nas svima.

So we grew up believing no one would ever fall in love with us,

Tako da smo odrasli vjerujući da se u nas nitko neće zaljubiti,

that we'd be lonely forever,

da ćemo zauvijek biti usamljeni,

that we'd never meet someone to make us feel like the sun

da nikad nećemo upoznati nekoga zbog koga ćemo se osjećati da je sunce

was something they built for us in their toolshed.

nešto što su izradili za nas u svojoj alatnici.

Slomljene strune srca su krvarile blues, i pokušali smo se isprazniti kako ne bi osjećali ništa.

So broken heartstrings bled the blues,

and we tried to empty ourselves so we'd feel nothing.

Nemojte mi reći da to boli manje od slomljene kosti,

Don't tell me that hurts less than a broken bone,

da urasli život kirurzi mogu jednostavno odsjeći,

that an ingrown life is something surgeons can cut away,

da nema šanse da to metastazira, to se događa.

that there's no way for it to metastasize; it does.

She was eight years old,

Imala je osam godina,

prvi dan trećeg razreda kad su je nazvali ružnom.

our first day of grade three when she got called ugly.

We both got moved to the back of class

Oboje su nas premjestili u stražnji dio razreda

so we would stop getting bombarded by spitballs.

kako nas ne bi bombardirali papirićima.

But the school halls were a battleground.

Ali školski hodnici su bili bojište.

We found ourselves outnumbered day after wretched day.

Bili smo nadjačani dan za prokletim danom.

We used to stay inside for recess, because outside was worse.

Ostajali smo unutra za vrijeme odmora, jer vani je bilo gore.

Outside, we'd have to rehearse running away,

Vani smo morali vježbati bježanje,

or learn to stay still like statues, giving no clues that we were there.

ili ostati mirni kao kipovi da ne primjete da smo tamo.

In grade five, they taped a sign to the front of her desk

U petom razredu zalijepili su znak na prednju stranu njenog stola

that read, "Beware of dog."

na kojem je pisalo, "Čuvaj se psa".

To this day,

Do dana današnjeg, unatoč mužu koji je voli, ona ne vjeruje da je prekrasna

despite a loving husband, she doesn't think she's beautiful,

because of a birthmark that takes up a little less than half her face.

zbog madeža koji zauzima nešto manje od pola njenog lica.

Kids used to say, "She looks like a wrong answer

Djeca su govorila: "Izgleda poput krivog odgovora

that someone tried to erase, but couldn't quite get the job done."

koji je netko pokušao obrisati, ali nije do kraja uspio."

And they'll never understand that she's raising two kids

I nikad neće shvatiti da ona odgaja dvoje djece

whose definition of beauty begins with the word "Mom,"

čija definicija ljepote započinje riječju: "Mama",

because they see her heart before they see her skin,

jer oni vide njeno srce prije nego vide njenu kožu,

because she's only ever always been amazing.

jer ona je jedino ikad bila zadivljujuća.

On je bio slomljena grana nasađena na drugačije obiteljsko drvo,

He was a broken branch grafted onto a different family tree,

adopted,

posvojen,

not because his parents opted for a different destiny.

ne zato što su njegovi roditelji htjeli drugačiju sudbinu.

He was three when he became a mixed drink

Imao je tri godine kada je postao mješano piće

of one part left alone and two parts tragedy,

od jednog dijela napuštenosti i dva dijela tragedije,

počeo je s terapijom u osmom razredu,

started therapy in eighth grade,

imao osobnost osmišljenu od testova i pilula,

had a personality made up of tests and pills,

lived like the uphills were mountains and the downhills were cliffs,

živio kao da su uzbrdice planine i da su nizbrdice litice,

four-fifths suicidal, a tidal wave of antidepressants,

četiri petine suicidalan, plimni val antidepresiva,

and an adolescent being called "Popper,"

adolescencija u kojoj su ga zvali "Kljukaš",

one part because of the pills,

jednim dijelom zbog tableta,

99 parts because of the cruelty.

99 dijelova zbog okrutnosti.

He tried to kill himself in grade 10

Pokušao se ubiti u 10. razredu

when a kid who could still go home to Mom and Dad

kada mu je dječak koji je još mogao otići kući mami i tati

imao petlje reći mu: "Preboli to."

had the audacity to tell him, "Get over it."

As if depression is something that could be remedied

Kao da je depresija nešto što se može izliječiti

bilo kojim predmetom iz prve pomoći.

by any of the contents found in a first-aid kit.

To this day, he is a stick of TNT lit from both ends,

Do ovog dana on je štapin dinamita koji gori s obje strane,

could describe to you in detail the way the sky bends

može opisati u detalj kako se nebo savija

in the moment before it's about to fall,

u trenutku prije nego padne,

and despite an army of friends who all call him an inspiration,

i iako ga vojska prijatelja zove inspiracijom,

he remains a conversation piece between people who can't understand

on ostaje tema razgovora među ljudima koji ga ne mogu razumjeti

da biti bez droga ima manje veze sa ovisnošću

sometimes being drug-free has less to do with addiction

and more to do with sanity.

i više sa zdravom pameću.

We weren't the only kids who grew up this way.

Nismo jedina djeca koja su odrasla na ovaj način.

To this day, kids are still being called names.

Do danas djecu nazivaju imenima.

Klasični su bili "Hej glupane."; "Hej šmokljo."

The classics were "Hey, stupid," "Hey, spaz."

Čini se da svaka škola ima arsenal imena

Seems like every school has an arsenal of names

getting updated every year.

koji se osvježava svake godine,

And if a kid breaks in a school and no one around chooses to hear,

i ako se dijete slomi u školi i svi odaberu da ne čuju,

da li napravi zvuk?

do they make a sound?

Are they just background noise from a soundtrack stuck on repeat,

Jesu li oni samo pozadinska buka na zvučnoj traci zaglavljenoj

when people say things like, "Kids can be cruel."

na ponavljanju stvari kao: "Djeca mogu biti okrutna."

Every school was a big top circus tent,

Svaka škola je bila veliki cirkuski šator,

sa hijerarhijom koja je išla od akrobata do krotitelja lavova,

and the pecking order went from acrobats to lion tamers,

from clowns to carnies, all of these miles ahead of who we were.

od klauna do radnika, svih koji su miljama ispred onoga što smo bili mi.

Bili smo nakaze -- dječak s kljieštima umjesto ruku i bradate dame,

We were freaks --

lobster-claw boys and bearded ladies,

oddities juggling depression and loneliness,

čudnovatosti koje žongliraju depresiju i samoću,

playing solitaire, spin the bottle,

igraju solitaire, zavrti bocu,

trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal,

pokušavajući poljubiti ranjene dijelove sebe i zaliječiti se,

but at night, while the others slept,

ali noću, dok su drugi spavali,

we kept walking the tightrope.

mi smo nastavljali hodati po žici.

To je bila vježba, i da, neki od nas su pali.

It was practice, and yes, some of us fell.

But I want to tell them that all of this

Ali želim im reći da je sve ovo

is just debris

samo krš koji ostaje nakon što napokon odlučimo zdrobiti

left over when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought we used to be,

sve stvari koje smo mislili da smo bili,

and if you can't see anything beautiful about yourself,

i ako ne vidite ništa prekrasno na sebi,

get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer,

nađite bolje zrcalo, pogledajte bliže, buljite duže,

jer u vama postoji nešto što vas je tjeralo da pokušavate

because there's something inside you that made you keep trying

unatoč tome što su vam svi govorili da odustanete.

despite everyone who told you to quit.

Izgradili ste gips oko svog slomljenog srca i sami ga potpisali.

You built a cast around your broken heart

and signed it yourself, "They were wrong."

Potpisali ste ga, "Oni su bili u krivu".

Because maybe you didn't belong to a group or a clique.

Jer možda niste pripradali grupi ili kliki.

Maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything.

Možda su vas birali zadnje za košarku ili sve.

Maybe you used to bring bruises and broken teeth to show-and-tell, but never told,

Možda ste donosili masnice i slomljene zube za pokazivanje na satu, ali nikad niste rekli,

because how can you hold your ground

jer kako da stojite na tlu, držite crtu,

if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it?

kad vas svi pokušavaju zakopati pod zemlju?

Morate vjerovati da su bili u krivu.

You have to believe that they were wrong.

They have to be wrong.

Moraju biti u krivu.

Why else would we still be here?

Zašto biste inače bili tu?

Odrasli smo učeći da navijamo za one s manjim šansama

We grew up learning to cheer on the underdog

because we see ourselves in them.

jer smo vidjeli sebe u njima.

Potječemo iz korijena zasađenog u uvjerenju

We stem from a root planted in the belief

that we are not what we were called.

da nisamo ono čime su nas nazivali.

We are not abandoned cars stalled out and sitting empty on some highway,

Mi nismo napušteni auti koji su zapeli

i stoje prazni na nekoj cesti,

and if in some way we are, don't worry.

a i ako jesmo na neki način, ne brinite.

Samo smo izašli da odemo po gorivo.

We only got out to walk and get gas.

Mi smo maturanti iz razreda "Uspjeli smo",

We are graduating members from the class of We Made It,

not the faded echoes of voices crying out,

ne izbljedjela jeka glasova koji vciču,

"Names will never hurt me."

"Imena me nikad neće povrijediti."

Of course they did.

Naravno da jesu.

But our lives will only ever always continue to be a balancing act

Ali naši životi će uvijek

nastaviti biti točka ravnoteže

that has less to do with pain

koja ima manje veze sa boli

and more to do with beauty.

a više veze s ljepotom.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)