"To This Day" ... for the bullied and beautiful | Shane Koyczan

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

翻译人员: Wei Wu 校对人员: Josephine Yeung

好多人呀。

There's so many of you.

(Laughter)

When I was a kid,

当我还是小孩子的时候，

I hid my heart under the bed, because my mother said,

我把自己的心藏在床底下，因为我的妈妈告诉我，

“你要是不小心保管，終有一天有人會摧毀它。”

"If you're not careful, someday someone's going to break it."

Take it from me: Under the bed is not a good hiding spot.

听我说，床底下并不是藏东西的好地方，

我很清楚因为每当我想要站起来，自强不息的时候

I know because I've been shot down so many times,

I get altitude sickness just from standing up for myself.

都会因为“高原反应”而被一次次打倒在地。

But that's what we were told.

但这就是别人教我们的。

"Stand up for yourself."

自强不息。

And that's hard to do if you don't know who you are.

如果你没有明确的定位，你很难做到自强不息。

We were expected to define ourselves at such an early age,

我们还很小的时候就被要求明确自己的定位，

and if we didn't do it, others did it for us.

如果我们做不到，别人就会代劳。

Geek. Fatty.

“呆子”。“胖子”。“荡妇”。“苦力”。

Slut. Fag.

And at the same time we were being told what we were,

在我们被赋予身份定位的同时，

we were being asked,

我们总是被人问到，

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

“长大后你想做什么？”

I always thought that was an unfair question.

我一直觉得这个问题问得很不公平。

它预先假设了我们不能维持现在的样子。

It presupposes that we can't be what we already are.

We were kids.

我们是小孩子。

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a man.

当我是小孩子的时候，我想变成一个男人。

I wanted a registered retirement savings plan

我想要有自己的养老金账户，

that would keep me in candy long enough to make old age sweet.

钱足够我把余下的一辈子时间都只花在制作老式糖果上

(Laughter)

当我是小孩子的时候，我希望可以刮胡子。

When I was a kid, I wanted to shave.

Now, not so much.

现在？不想了。

(Laughter)

When I was eight, I wanted to be a marine biologist.

八岁的时候，我想当海洋生物学家。

When I was nine, I saw the movie "Jaws,"

九岁的时候，我看了《大白鲨》。

and thought to myself, "No, thank you."

然后我对自己说，“还是算了吧。”

(Laughter)

十岁的时候，我的生父母离开了我，他们不要我了。

And when I was 10,

I was told that my parents left because they didn't want me.

11岁的时候，我希望自己一个人生活。

When I was 11, I wanted to be left alone.

12岁的时候我不想活了。13岁的时候我想杀掉一个小孩。

When I was 12, I wanted to die. When I was 13, I wanted to kill a kid.

When I was 14, I was asked to seriously consider a career path.

14岁的时候我被要求严肃的考虑以后的职业生涯。

I said, "I'd like to be a writer."

我说，“我想做一个作家。”

他们说：“说个现实点的工作。”

And they said, "Choose something realistic."

So I said, "Professional wrestler."

于是我说，“职业摔跤运动员。”

And they said, "Don't be stupid."

他们说，“别傻了。”

See, they asked me what I wanted to be,

你看，他们问我想做什么，

then told me what not to be.

然后又告诉我统统不能做。

And I wasn't the only one.

而且不止是对我一个

不知道为什么，我们总是被灌输，我们必须变成跟自己

We were being told that we somehow must become

what we are not, sacrificing what we are

不同的样子，牺牲原本的自我，

to inherit the masquerade of what we will be.

来适应我们将要戴上的身份面具。

我总是被要求接受

I was being told to accept the identity that others will give me.

别人赋予我的身份。

And I wondered, what made my dreams so easy to dismiss?

我不明白，为什么我的梦想就这么容易被否定？

Granted, my dreams are shy,

好吧，我的梦想们都很害羞，

because they're Canadian.

因为它们都是加拿大人。（笑声）

(Laughter)

我的梦想们，她们都太难为情、太谦卑了。

My dreams are self-conscious and overly apologetic.

They're standing alone at the high school dance,

它们孤零零的站在高中舞会的角落，

and they've never been kissed.

从未被人欣赏过她们。

See, my dreams got called names too.

你瞧，我的梦想们也被人起了外号。

Silly. Foolish.

傻瓜。笨蛋。异想天开。

Impossible.

But I kept dreaming.

但是我一直怀有梦想。

I was going to be a wrestler. I had it all figured out.

我要做一个摔跤运动员。一切都想好了。

我要像垃圾搬运工一样（去摔跤）。

I was going to be The Garbage Man.

(Laughter)

我摔跤的结束动作也会像垃圾压实机一样。

My finishing move was going to be The Trash Compactor.

My saying was going to be, "I'm taking out the trash!"

我的台词是，“我要把这垃圾扔出去！”

(Laughter)

（笑声）（掌声）

(Applause)

然后这个人，杜克·“回收站”·卓斯，

And then this guy, Duke "The Dumpster" Droese,

抢走了我所有的台词。

stole my entire shtick.

(Laughter)

I was crushed,

我的心就像是被垃圾压实机压过一样沮丧。

as if by a trash compactor.

(Laughter)

I thought to myself, "What now? Where do I turn?"

我问自己，“怎么办？我还能做什么？”

Poetry.

诗歌。

(Laughter)

Like a boomerang, the thing I loved came back to me.

我喜爱的东西像回旋镖一样又回到了我身边。

One of the first lines of poetry I can remember writing

我记得我写下的第一行诗歌

was in response to a world that demanded I hate myself.

是对这个让我憎恨我自己的世界的回应。

在15到18岁之间，我憎恨自己，

From age 15 to 18, I hated myself

for becoming the thing that I loathed:

憎恨我变成了我厌恶的样子：一个恃强凌弱的人。

a bully.

When I was 19, I wrote,

19岁的时候，我写道，

"I will love myself despite the ease with which

“我将爱我自己，不去在乎自己”

I lean toward the opposite."

“是否站在自己讨厌的位置。”

Standing up for yourself doesn't have to mean

自强不息并不表示你需要

embracing violence.

使用暴力。

When I was a kid,

当我还是小孩子的时候，

I traded in homework assignments for friendship,

我用我的家庭作业换取友谊，

then gave each friend a late slip for never showing up on time,

然后又通过迟到避开所有的朋友，

and in most cases, not at all.

一般都不会有什么问题。

I gave myself a hall pass to get through each broken promise.

每次爽约我都能立刻原谅自己。

And I remember this plan, born out of frustration

有次，一个小孩子让我很沮丧，

from a kid who kept calling me "Yogi,"

他一直叫我“修行者”，指着我的肚子说，

then pointed at my tummy and said, "Too many picnic baskets."

“好大的野餐篮子。” 因此我有了一个计划。

Turns out it's not that hard to trick someone,

我发现原来戏弄一个人也不难，

and one day before class, I said,

有一天快上课的时候，我对他说

"Yeah, you can copy my homework,"

“嘿，给你抄我的作业，”

and I gave him all the wrong answers that I'd written down the night before.

然后我把自己昨天写好的

错误答案递给了他。

He got his paper back expecting a near-perfect score,

他怀着满分的期待去拿作业，却得了0分

and couldn't believe it when he looked across the room at me and held up a zero.

他无法相信，在教室的另一头望着我，做出“零”的手势。

我知道我不用把自己接近满分的作业举起来给他看，

I knew I didn't have to hold up my paper of 28 out of 30,

but my satisfaction was complete when he looked at me, puzzled,

很奇怪，他看着我的时候，我感到很满足，

and I thought to myself, "Smarter than the average bear, motherfucker."

我对自己说，“比一般人聪明嘛，狗娘养的。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）（掌声）

(Applause)

This is who I am.

这就是我。

This is how I stand up for myself.

这就是我自强的方式。

When I was a kid,

当我是小孩子的时候，

I used to think that pork chops and karate chops were the same thing.

我曾经认为“猪排骨(pork chops)”和“空手劈(karate chops)”是一样的。

I thought they were both pork chops.

我以为它们都是猪排的意思。

My grandmother thought it was cute,

而我的奶奶觉得我这样很可爱，

and because they were my favorite, she let me keep doing it.

而因为我喜欢这些，所以她并没有纠正我。

Not really a big deal.

这也不是什么大事。

One day, before I realized fat kids are not designed to climb trees,

有一天我去爬树，我才知道胖子是不适合爬树的，

I fell out of a tree and bruised the right side of my body.

我从树上摔了下来，身体的右侧擦伤了。

我不想告诉我的奶奶，我怕惹麻烦，

I didn't want to tell my grandmother

因为本来去我那个地方玩就被认为是不应该的。

because I was scared I'd get in trouble

for playing somewhere I shouldn't have been.

几天之后，体育老师发现了我身上的伤痕，

The gym teacher noticed the bruise, and I got sent to the principal's office.

我被带到了校长办公室，

From there, I was sent to another small room with a really nice lady

然后又从那里被转到一个小房间，

一个很和蔼的女士问了我很多家里的事情。

who asked me all kinds of questions about my life at home.

我实话实说。

I saw no reason to lie.

As far as I was concerned, life was pretty good.

当时我感觉，这一切都还蛮好的。

我告诉她，每当我不开心的时候，我的奶奶就会给我“空手劈（karate chops)”。

I told her, whenever I'm sad, my grandmother gives me karate chops.

(Laughter)

（笑声）

这引发了一次全面的（反虐待儿童）调查。

This led to a full-scale investigation,

and I was removed from the house for three days,

我被从家里转移出来，被托管了三天，

until they finally decided to ask how I got the bruises.

直到他们问起我身上的淤青是怎么来的。

News of this silly little story quickly spread through the school,

这个愚蠢的故事很快就在学校传开了，

and I earned my first nickname:

我有了第一个外号：

“猪排（porkchop）”

Porkchop.

时至今日，我都讨厌听到“猪排”这个词。

To this day,

I hate pork chops.

I'm not the only kid who grew up this way,

很多小孩的成长环境都跟我相似，

surrounded by people who used to say that rhyme

周围都是一些成天舞刀弄枪

欺负别人的人，

about sticks and stones,

as if broken bones hurt more than the names we got called,

仿佛肉体的伤痛比侮辱的外号带给我们的痛苦更多，

and we got called them all.

而我们同时感受到了这些痛苦。

So we grew up believing no one would ever fall in love with us,

所以我们长大后，觉得没有人会爱上我们，

that we'd be lonely forever,

我们注定孤独一辈子，

that we'd never meet someone to make us feel like the sun

而我们遇到的那些把我们当作太阳的人，

was something they built for us in their toolshed.

不过是把我们当作是一种备选的工具。

我们破碎的心里流淌着忧伤，想要麻木自己感不到疼痛。

So broken heartstrings bled the blues,

and we tried to empty ourselves so we'd feel nothing.

不要跟我说内心的伤痛比不上骨折的痛苦，

Don't tell me that hurts less than a broken bone,

不要跟我说内在的痛苦可以通过外科手术切掉，

that an ingrown life is something surgeons can cut away,

不要跟我说没有办法转移；它可以。

that there's no way for it to metastasize; it does.

She was eight years old,

我认识一个女孩，9岁

升到三年级的第一天便有人唤她丑。

our first day of grade three when she got called ugly.

We both got moved to the back of class

我俩都搬到了教室后排

so we would stop getting bombarded by spitballs.

这样就不会老是被人丢纸团了。

But the school halls were a battleground.

但是学校的走廊还是跟战场一样。

We found ourselves outnumbered day after wretched day.

我们寡不敌众，每天都被人欺负。

We used to stay inside for recess, because outside was worse.

我们常常躲在学校，因为外面的环境更糟。

Outside, we'd have to rehearse running away,

在外面，我们需要时刻准备做着逃跑的准备，

or learn to stay still like statues, giving no clues that we were there.

或者像雕塑一样一动不动，不让人注意到。

In grade five, they taped a sign to the front of her desk

五年级的时候，他们在她的课桌前贴了一张纸，

that read, "Beware of dog."

上面写着，“注意，狗出没。”

To this day,

时至今日，她都无法发现自己的美，即使她有深爱她的丈夫

despite a loving husband, she doesn't think she's beautiful,

because of a birthmark that takes up a little less than half her face.

因为她的脸上，有一块小小的胎记。

Kids used to say, "She looks like a wrong answer

小伙伴们总说，“她的脸就像是写了错误答案的纸，

that someone tried to erase, but couldn't quite get the job done."

被人用橡皮擦来擦去，却总是擦不干净。”

And they'll never understand that she's raising two kids

他们永远的无法理解，她抚养的两个孩子

whose definition of beauty begins with the word "Mom,"

将身为母亲的她视为美的化身。

because they see her heart before they see her skin,

因为她的孩子先看到了她的内心，然后才是她的皮肤，

because she's only ever always been amazing.

只有她的内心一直保持着如此的迷人。

这个男生被嫁接在另外一个家庭上

He was a broken branch grafted onto a different family tree,

adopted,

被人领养，

not because his parents opted for a different destiny.

并不是因为他的父母离婚了。

He was three when he became a mixed drink

他在三岁的时候就饮下了

of one part left alone and two parts tragedy,

一杯孤独、两杯苦难勾兑的酒，

八年级的时候开始接受治疗，

started therapy in eighth grade,

各种心理测试和药丸塑造了他的人格，

had a personality made up of tests and pills,

lived like the uphills were mountains and the downhills were cliffs,

他的生活就像是过山车一样颠簸不定，

four-fifths suicidal, a tidal wave of antidepressants,

四五次自杀未遂，一波一波的抗抑郁药，

and an adolescent being called "Popper,"

还有“嗜药者”的外号。

one part because of the pills,

1%是由于这些药丸，

99 parts because of the cruelty.

99%是因为生活的残酷。

He tried to kill himself in grade 10

十年级的时候尝试自杀，

when a kid who could still go home to Mom and Dad

那个时候他还在家住，他的爸爸妈妈

跟他说的只是，“你要克服它。”

had the audacity to tell him, "Get over it."

As if depression is something that could be remedied

就好像抑郁可以轻易的被急救药箱

里面的什么东西修复好的一样。

by any of the contents found in a first-aid kit.

To this day, he is a stick of TNT lit from both ends,

今天，他就像是一根TNT炸药桶，两端都被点燃了，

could describe to you in detail the way the sky bends

他会告诉你，当天空开始坠落时

in the moment before it's about to fall,

天空将会如何的扭曲弯折。

and despite an army of friends who all call him an inspiration,

尽管很多的朋友都称赞他的才华，

he remains a conversation piece between people who can't understand

他依然免不了成为别人的谈资，这些人无法理解，

一个人是否吸毒，跟药物上瘾关系不大，

sometimes being drug-free has less to do with addiction

and more to do with sanity.

更多的取决于他的理智。

We weren't the only kids who grew up this way.

像我们这样成长起来的孩子还有很多。

To this day, kids are still being called names.

时至今日，有的孩子还在被人取侮辱的外号。

比如，“笨蛋”，“怪胎”。

The classics were "Hey, stupid," "Hey, spaz."

似乎每个学校里面都有一个弹药库存储这些外号，

Seems like every school has an arsenal of names

getting updated every year.

一年一年的更新换代，

And if a kid breaks in a school and no one around chooses to hear,

如果学校里一个孩子受了伤却没人愿意理他，

他们会让人知道么？

do they make a sound?

Are they just background noise from a soundtrack stuck on repeat,

还是说他们就像录音磁带的噪音一样反复不停，

when people say things like, "Kids can be cruel."

而人们只是说着“孩子也会很坏”这样的话？

Every school was a big top circus tent,

每个学校都像是一个大马戏团，

人与人之间等级分明，从杂耍员到驯兽师，

and the pecking order went from acrobats to lion tamers,

from clowns to carnies, all of these miles ahead of who we were.

从小丑到龙套，他们的等级都比我们高好几层楼。

我们是怪胎——女孩长着胡子，男孩长着龙虾的爪子

We were freaks --

lobster-claw boys and bearded ladies,

oddities juggling depression and loneliness,

被鄙弃，被戏弄，感到沮丧，感到孤独，

playing solitaire, spin the bottle,

一个人玩纸牌，一个人玩转瓶子， （转瓶选择接吻对象的游戏）

trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal,

亲吻自己的伤口，尝试治愈自己，

but at night, while the others slept,

但每每夜深人静，

we kept walking the tightrope.

我们会走上钢丝，默默练习。

是的，也有不成功的例子

It was practice, and yes, some of us fell.

But I want to tell them that all of this

但是我想要告诉他们，

is just debris

当我们决定跟过去的自己决裂，开始全新的自己，

left over when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought we used to be,

这些经历不过是我们抛弃的废墟，

and if you can't see anything beautiful about yourself,

如果你无法看到自己的美，

get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer,

换个更好的镜子，凑得更近一点，看得更久一点，

因为你的内心深处有个声音

because there's something inside you that made you keep trying

一直在阻止你离开现在的自己。

despite everyone who told you to quit.

你在自己破碎的心灵周围筑起城墙

You built a cast around your broken heart

and signed it yourself, "They were wrong."

并亲手写上：“他们是错的。”

Because maybe you didn't belong to a group or a clique.

或许因为你不被任何一个小团体接纳。

Maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything.

或许他们只是找不到人玩的时候才拉上你。

Maybe you used to bring bruises and broken teeth to show-and-tell, but never told,

或许你想要向他们展示自己的伤口，但是你从来没有，

because how can you hold your ground

你怎么能在一个所有人都敌视你的环境中

if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it?

表露自己的弱点呢？

你不得不相信他们是错的。

You have to believe that they were wrong.

They have to be wrong.

他们必须是错的。

Why else would we still be here?

不然我们为何存在？

我们为失败者喝彩，

We grew up learning to cheer on the underdog

because we see ourselves in them.

因为我们就是他们。

我们并不像那些强加给我们的外号一样不堪，

We stem from a root planted in the belief

that we are not what we were called.

这是我们得以成长的信念。

We are not abandoned cars stalled out and sitting empty on some highway,

我们并不是高速路边

被抛弃的破旧车辆，

and if in some way we are, don't worry.

即使有些相似，也没有关系。

我们只需要一些汽油，就能开起来。

We only got out to walk and get gas.

我们的成功是靠自己努力的克服这些，

We are graduating members from the class of We Made It,

not the faded echoes of voices crying out,

而不是反复的骗自己，

"Names will never hurt me."

“我永远不会被这些侮辱的外号所伤”

Of course they did.

它们当然会伤害你。

But our lives will only ever always continue to be a balancing act

但是我们的生活本来就是如此，

不断在喜怒哀乐之间平衡反复

that has less to do with pain

更少的回味痛苦

and more to do with beauty.

体验更多的美。

(Applause)

（掌声）