How to fix a broken heart | Guy Winch | TED

Prevodilac: Milenka Okuka Lektor: Mile Živković

At some point in our lives,

U nekom trenutku u našim životima,

almost every one of us will have our heart broken.

gotovo svakome od nas će srce da bude slomljeno.

My patient Kathy planned her wedding when she was in middle school.

Moja pacijentkinja Keti je isplanirala svoje venčanje još u osnovnoj školi.

She would meet her future husband

Upoznaće svog budućeg supruga

by age 27,

do 27 godine,

get engaged a year later

veriće se godinu kasnije

and get married a year after that.

i udati godinu nakon toga.

But when Kathy turned 27, she didn't find a husband.

Međutim, kad je Keti napunila 27 godina nije pronašla muža.

She found a lump in her breast.

Pronašla je čvorić u dojci.

She went through many months of harsh chemotherapy

Provela je mnogo meseci na teškoj hemterapiji

and painful surgeries,

i bolnim operacijama,

and then just as she was ready to jump back into the dating world,

a onda, baš kad je bila spremna da se ponovo baci u svet zabavljanja,

she found a lump in her other breast

pronašla je čvorić u drugoj dojci

and had to do it all over again.

i morala je sve ispočetka.

Kathy recovered, though,

Keti se ipak oporavila

and she was eager to resume her search for a husband

i jedva je čekala da nastavi potragu za mužem

as soon as her eyebrows grew back in.

čim su joj obrve ponovo izrasle.

When you're going on first dates in New York City,

Kada idete na prve sastanke u Njujorku,

you need to be able to express a wide range of emotions.

morate da budete u stanju da izrazite širok spektar emocija.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Soon afterwards, she met Rich and fell in love.

Ubrzo potom, upoznala je Riča i zaljubila se.

The relationship was everything she hoped it would be.

Veza je bila sve čemu se nadala.

Six months later,

Šest meseci kasnije,

after a lovely weekend in New England,

nakon krasnog vikenda u Novoj Engleskoj,

Rich made reservations at their favorite romantic restaurant.

Rič je rezervisao mesta u njihovom omiljenom romantičnom restoranu.

Kathy knew he was going to propose,

Keti je znala da će da je zaprosi

and she could barely contain her excitement.

i jedva je mogla da obuzda svoje uzbuđenje.

But Rich did not propose to Kathy that night.

Međutim, Rič to veče nije zaprosio Keti.

He broke up with her.

Raskinuo je s njom.

As deeply as he cared for Kathy -- and he did --

Koliko god da mu je bilo stalo do Keti - a zaista jeste -

he simply wasn't in love.

prosto nije bio zaljubljen.

Kathy was shattered.

Keti je bila skrhana.

Her heart was truly broken, and she now faced yet another recovery.

Srce joj je bilo istinski slomljeno i sada je bila suočena s novim oporavkom.

But five months after the breakup,

Međutim, pet meseci nakon raskida,

Kathy still couldn't stop thinking about Rich.

Keti i dalje nije mogla da prestane da misli na Riča.

Her heart was still very much broken.

Srce joj je i dalje bilo itekako slomljeno.

The question is:

Pitanje glasi:

Why?

zašto?

Why was this incredibly strong and determined woman

Zašto ova neverovatno jaka i odlučna žena

unable to marshal the same emotional resources

nije bila u stanju da prikupi iste emotivne resurse

that got her through four years of cancer treatments?

koji su joj pomogli da prođe kroz četiri godine tretmana raka?

Why do so many of us flounder

Zašto se mnogi od nas batrgaju

when we're trying to recover from heartbreak?

kada pokušavamo da se oporavimo od slomljenog srca?

Why do the same coping mechanisms

Zašto nas isti mehanizmi borbe

that get us through all kinds of life challenges

zbog kojih savlađujemo razne vrste životnih izazova

fail us so miserably when our heart gets broken?

tako bedno ostave na cedilu kada nam se slomi srce?

In over 20 years of private practice,

Tokom preko 20 godina privatne prakse,

I have seen people of every age and background

video sam ljude raznih starosnih dobi i porekla

face every manner of heartbreak,

kako se suočavaju sa svim vidovima raskida

and what I've learned is this:

a naučio sam sledeće:

when your heart is broken,

kada vam je slomljeno srce,

the same instincts you ordinarily rely on

oni instinkti na koje se obično oslanjate

will time and again lead you down the wrong path.

će vas iznova voditi stranputicom.

You simply cannot trust what your mind is telling you.

Prosto ne možete da verujete onome što vam mozak govori.

For example, we know from studies of heartbroken people

Na primer, znamo iz istraživanja o ljudima sa slomljenim srcem

that having a clear understanding of why the relationship ended

da je jasno razumevanje toga zašto je veza okončana

is really important for our ability to move on.

veoma važno za našu sposobnost da idemo dalje.

Yet time and again,

Ipak, iznova i iznova

when we are offered a simple and honest explanation

kada nam pruže prosto i iskreno objašnjenje,

like the one Rich offered Kathy,

poput onog koje je Rič pružio Keti,

we reject it.

odbacujemo ga.

Heartbreak creates such dramatic emotional pain,

Slomljeno srce stvara tako dramatičan emotivni bol

our mind tells us the cause must be equally dramatic.

da nam mozak govori kako uzrok mora da bude jednako dramatičan.

And that gut instinct is so powerful,

A taj telesni instinkt je toliko snažan

it can make even the most reasonable and measured of us

da može čak i najrazumnije i najuravnoteženije od nas da navede

come up with mysteries and conspiracy theories

da smišljamo misterije i teorije zavere

where none exist.

tamo gde ih uopšte nema.

Kathy became convinced something must have happened

Keti je postala ubeđena da mora da se nešto dogodilo

during her romantic getaway with Rich

tokom njenog romantičnog izleta sa Ričom

that soured him on the relationship,

zbog čega mu se smučila veza,

and she became obsessed with figuring out what that was.

te je postala opsednuta time da sazna šta je to bilo.

And so she spent countless hours

Pa je provodila bezbrojne sate

going through every minute of that weekend in her mind,

prolazeći u svom umu kroz svaki minut tog vikenda,

searching her memory for clues that were not there.

pretražujući po sećanju tragove kojih nije bilo.

Kathy's mind tricked her into initiating this wild goose chase.

Ketin um je obmanuo da pokrene ovaj sumanuti lov na veštice.

But what compelled her to commit to it for so many months?

Međutim, šta je navodilo da se posveti tome toliko meseci?

Heartbreak is far more insidious than we realize.

Slomljeno srce je daleko podmuklije nego što smo svesni toga.

There is a reason we keep going down one rabbit hole after another,

Postoji razlog zašto nastavljamo da se spuštamo kroz zečje rupe

even when we know it's going to make us feel worse.

čak i kad znamo da ćemo se zbog toga osećati gore.

Brain studies have shown

Izučavanja mozga su pokazala

that the withdrawal of romantic love

da apstinencija od romantične ljubavi

activates the same mechanisms in our brain that get activated

pokreće iste mehanizme u našem mozgu koji se aktiviraju

when addicts are withdrawing from substances like cocaine or opioids.

kada zavisnici apstiniraju od supstanci, poput kokaina ili opijata.

Kathy was going through withdrawal.

Keti je krizirala.

And since she could not have the heroin of actually being with Rich,

A kako nije mogla da ima heroin tj. da zapravo bude sa Ričom,

her unconscious mind chose the methadone of her memories with him.

njen nesvesni um je izabrao metadon tj. njena sećanja s njim.

Her instincts told her she was trying to solve a mystery,

Njeni instinkti su joj govorili da pokušava da reši misteriju,

but what she was actually doing

međutim, ona je zapravo

was getting her fix.

tako dobijala svoju dozu.

This is what makes heartbreak so difficult to heal.

Zbog toga je tako teško izlečiti slomljeno srce.

Addicts know they're addicted.

Zavisnici znaju da su zavisni.

They know when they're shooting up.

Znaju kada se drogiraju.

But heartbroken people do not.

Međutim, ljudi slomljenog srca ne znaju.

But you do now.

Međutim, sada znate.

And if your heart is broken, you cannot ignore that.

A ako vam je slomljeno srce ne možete to da ignorišete.

You have to recognize that, as compelling as the urge is,

Morate da prepoznate da koliko god da je neodoljiv nagon,

with every trip down memory lane, every text you send,

svakim pohodom niz aleju sećanja, svakom porukom koju pošaljete,

every second you spend stalking your ex on social media,

svaki sekund koji potrošite uhodeći vaše bivše na društvenim mrežama,

you are just feeding your addiction,

samo hranite vašu zavisnost,

deepening your emotional pain

produbljujete emotivni bol

and complicating your recovery.

i komplikujete sopstveni oporavak.

Getting over heartbreak is not a journey.

Savlađivanje slomljenog srca nije putovanje.

It's a fight, and your reason is your strongest weapon.

Radi se o bici, a vaš razum je vaše najjače oružje.

There is no breakup explanation that's going to feel satisfying.

Ne postoji objašnjenje za raskid koje će se činiti zadovoljavajućim.

No rationale can take away the pain you feel.

Nikakva racionalizacija ne može da ukloni bol koji osećate.

So don't search for one, don't wait for one,

Zato ne tragajte za njom, ne očekujte je,

just accept the one you were offered or make up one yourself

prosto prihvatite onu koja vam je ponuđena ili sami za sebe izmislite neku

and then put the question to rest,

a potom ostavite pitanje na počinak

because you need that closure to resist the addiction.

jer vam je potreban zaključak kako biste odoleli zavisnosti.

And you need something else as well:

A potrebno vam je i još nešto:

you have to be willing to let go,

morate da budete spremni da zaboravite,

to accept that it's over.

da prihvatite da je gotovo.

Otherwise, your mind will feed on your hope

U suprotnom, mozak će se hraniti nadom

and set you back.

i vratiće vas unazad.

Hope can be incredibly destructive when your heart is broken.

Nada može da bude neverovatno destruktivna kad vam je srce slomljeno.

Heartbreak is a master manipulator.

Slomljeno srce je majstor manipulacije.

The ease with which it gets our mind to do the absolute opposite

Lakoća kojom postiže da naš um uradi baš suprotno

of what we need in order to recover

od onoga što nam je potrebno da bismo se oporavili

is remarkable.

je izvanredna.

One of the most common tendencies we have when our heart is broken

Jedna od najuobičajenijih sklonosti koju imamo kad nam je srce slomljeno

is to idealize the person who broke it.

je da idealizujemo osobu koja ga je slomila.

We spend hours remembering their smile,

Provodimo sate sećajući se njenog osmeha,

how great they made us feel,

kako smo se divno zbog nje osećali,

that time we hiked up the mountain and made love under the stars.

onog puta kada smo se popeli na planinu i vodili ljubav pod zvezdama.

All that does is make our loss feel more painful.

Sve što se time postiže je da naš gubitak bude još bolniji.

We know that.

Svesni smo toga.

Yet we still allow our mind to cycle through one greatest hit after another,

Ipak dozvoljavamo našem umu da vrti najveće hitove jedan za drugim,

like we were being held hostage by our own passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.

kao da smo taoci sopstvene pasivno-agresivne Spotifaj liste.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Heartbreak will make those thoughts pop into your mind.

Zbog slomljenog srca te misli će da vam iskrsavaju u umu.

And so to avoid idealizing, you have to balance them out

Pa, kako biste izbegli idealizovanje, morate da ih uravnotežite

by remembering their frown, not just their smile,

sećajući se njenog mrštenja, ne samo njenog osmeha,

how bad they made you feel,

koliko ste se loše zbog nje osećali,

the fact that after the lovemaking, you got lost coming down the mountain,

činjenice da ste nakon vođenja ljubavi, zalutali spuštajući se niz planinu,

argued like crazy and didn't speak for two days.

da ste se prepirali kao ludi i niste razgovarali dva dana.

What I tell my patients is to compile an exhaustive list

Svojim pacijentima govorim da sastave iscrpnu listu

of all the ways the person was wrong for you,

svih načina na koje je ta osoba bila pogrešna za vas,

all the bad qualities, all the pet peeves,

svih loših kvaliteta, svih sitnih mana

and then keep it on your phone.

i da to potom drže u telefonu.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And once you have your list,

I čim sastavite listu,

you have to use it.

morate da je koristite.

When I hear even a hint of idealizing

Kada čujem ma nagoveštaj idealizovanja

or the faintest whiff of nostalgia in a session,

ili nagoveštaj daška nostalgije tokom seansi,

I go, "Phone, please."

kažem: "Telefon, molim."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Your mind will try to tell you they were perfect.

Vaš um će pokušati da vam kaže da je bila savršena.

But they were not, and neither was the relationship.

Međutim, nije, niti je veza to bila.

And if you want to get over them, you have to remind yourself of that,

A ako želite da je zaboravite, morate da se podsećate na to,

frequently.

često.

None of us is immune to heartbreak.

Niko od nas nije imun na slomljeno srce.

My patient Miguel was a 56-year-old senior executive in a software company.

Moj pacijent Migel je imao 56 godina, stariji je direktor u softverskoj firmi.

Five years after his wife died,

Pet godina nakon što mu je supruga umrla,

he finally felt ready to start dating again.

konačno je osetio da je spreman da se ponovo zabavlja.

He soon met Sharon,

Uskoro je upoznao Šeron,

and a whirlwind romance ensued.

i usledila je uzbudljiva romansa.

They introduced each other to their adult children after one month,

Nakon mesec dana, upoznali su jedno drugo sa njihovom odraslom decom,

and they moved in together after two.

a nakon dva meseca su počeli zajedno da žive.

When middle-aged people date, they don't mess around.

Kada se sredovečni ljudi zabavljaju, oni ne dangube.

It's like "Love, Actually" meets "The Fast and the Furious."

To je kao kad bi se "Ljubav, zapravo" ukrstila sa "Brzim i žestokim".

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Miguel was happier than he had been in years.

Migel je bio srećan kako godinama nije bio.

But the night before their first anniversary,

Međutim, noć uoči njihove prve godišnjice,

Sharon left him.

Šeron ga je ostavila.

She had decided to move to the West Coast to be closer to her children,

Odlučila je da se preseli na Zapadnu obalu kako bi bila bliže deci,

and she didn't want a long-distance relationship.

a nije želela vezu na daljinu.

Miguel was totally blindsided and utterly devastated.

Migel je bio u potpunosti zatečen i krajnje razoren.

He barely functioned at work for many, many months,

Jedva da je mogao da funkcioniše na poslu mnogo, mnogo meseci,

and he almost lost his job as a result.

i kao posledica toga umalo je ostao bez posla.

Another consequence of heartbreak is that feeling alone and in pain

Još jedna posledica slomljenog srca je što osećanje usamljenosti i bola

can significantly impair our intellectual functioning,

može značajno da ugrozi naše intelektualno funkcionisanje,

especially when performing complex tasks involving logic and reasoning.

naročito tokom izvođenja složenih zadataka koji uključuju logiku i rasuđivanje.

It temporarily lowers our IQ.

Privremeno nam umanjuje količnik inteligencije.

But it wasn't just the intensity of Miguel's grief

Međutim, nije samo intezitet Migelove patnje

that confused his employers;

zbunjivao njegove poslodavce;

it was the duration.

radilo se o trajanju.

Miguel was confused by this as well

Migel je i sam bio zbunjen ovim,

and really quite embarrassed by it.

i zaista prilično posramljen zbog toga.

"What's wrong with me?" he asked me in our session.

"Šta nije u redu sa mnom?" upitao me tokom naše seanse.

"What adult spends almost a year getting over a one-year relationship?"

"Kakva to odrasla osoba potroši skoro godinu

na prevazilaženje jednogodišnje veze?"

Actually, many do.

Zapravo, kod mnogih je tako.

Heartbreak shares all the hallmarks of traditional loss and grief:

Slomljeno srce sadrži sve oznake tradicionalnog gubitka i bola:

insomnia, intrusive thoughts,

nesanica, nametljive misli,

immune system dysfunction.

disfunkcija imunog sistema.

Forty percent of people experience clinically measurable depression.

Četrdeset procenata ljudi doživljava klinički izmerljivu depresiju.

Heartbreak is a complex psychological injury.

Slomljeno srce je složena psihološka povreda.

It impacts us in a multitude of ways.

Utiče na nas na gomilu načina.

For example, Sharon was both very social

Na primer, Šeron je bila i veoma društvena

and very active.

i veoma aktivna.

She had dinners at the house every week.

Organizovala je večere kod kuće svakog vikenda.

She and Miguel went on camping trips with other couples.

Ona i Migel su išli na kampovanja sa drugim parovima.

Although Miguel was not religious,

Iako Migel nije bio religiozan,

he accompanied Sharon to church every Sunday,

pratio je Šeron u crkvu svake nedelje,

where he was welcomed into the congregation.

gde je prihvaćen od strane pastve.

Miguel didn't just lose his girlfriend;

Migel nije samo izgubio devojku;

he lost his entire social life,

izgubio je celokupan društveni život,

the supportive community of Sharon's church.

podršku zajednice iz Šeronine crkve.

He lost his identity as a couple.

Izgubio je identitet sebe kao para.

Now, Miguel recognized the breakup had left this huge void in his life,

Sad, Migel je spoznao da je raskid ostavio ogromnu prazninu u njegovom životu,

but what he failed to recognize

međutim nije uspeo da spozna

is that it left far more than just one.

da je ostavio mnogo više od jedne.

And that is crucial,

A to je krucijalno,

not just because it explains why heartbreak could be so devastating,

ne samo jer objašnjava zašto slomljeno srce može da bude tako razorno,

but because it tells us how to heal.

već zato što nam saopštava kako da ozdravimo.

To fix your broken heart,

Da biste izlečili slomljeno srce,

you have to identify these voids in your life and fill them,

morate da prepoznate praznine u svom životu i da ih popunite,

and I mean all of them.

i mislim na sve njih.

The voids in your identity:

Praznine u vašem identitetu:

you have to reestablish who you are and what your life is about.

morate nanovo da utvrdite ko ste i šta vam je važno u životu.

The voids in your social life,

Praznine u vašem društvenom životu,

the missing activities, even the empty spaces on the wall

propuštene aktivnosti, čak i prazan prostor na zidu

where pictures used to hang.

gde su nekad visile slike.

But none of that will do any good

Međutim, ništa od toga neće vredeti

unless you prevent the mistakes that can set you back,

ukoliko ne sprečite greške koje vas mogu vratit unazad,

the unnecessary searches for explanations,

bespotrebna traganja za objašnjenjima,

idealizing your ex instead of focusing on how they were wrong for you,

idealizacija bivših, umesto fokusiranja na to koliko su bili pogrešni za vas,

indulging thoughts and behaviors that still give them a starring role

prepuštanje mislima i ponašanjima koja im i dalje daju glavnu ulogu

in this next chapter of your life

u vašem sledećem poglavlju života

when they shouldn't be an extra.

u kom bi trebalo da budu statisti.

Getting over heartbreak is hard,

Prevazilaženje slomljenog srca je teško,

but if you refuse to be misled by your mind and you take steps to heal,

no ako odbijete da vas vaš um obmanjuje i preduzmete korake ka iscelenju,

you can significantly minimize your suffering.

možete značajno da umanjite patnju.

And it won't just be you who benefit from that.

I nećete samo vi imati korist od toga.

You'll be more present with your friends,

Bićete dostupniji vašim prijateljima,

more engaged with your family,

angažovaniji sa porodicom,

not to mention the billions of dollars of compromised productivity

da ne pominjemo milijarde dolara kompromitovane produktivnosti

in the workplace that could be avoided.

na radnom mestu, koja može da se izbegne.

So if you know someone who is heartbroken,

Pa, ako znate nekoga čije je srce slomljeno,

have compassion,

imajte samilosti,

because social support has been found to be important for their recovery.

jer je otkriveno da je društvena podrška važna za njihov oporavak.

And have patience,

I imajte strpljenja

because it's going to take them longer to move on than you think it should.

jer će im trebati duže da nastave nego što vi mislite da hoće.

And if you're hurting,

A ako vi patite,

know this:

znajte sledeće:

it's difficult, it is a battle within your own mind,

teško je, radi se o bici unutar vašeg sopstvenog uma,

and you have to be diligent to win.

i morate da budete istrajni da biste pobedili.

But you do have weapons.

Međutim, imate oružja.

You can fight.

Možete da se borite.

And you will heal.

I zacelićete.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)