How to fix a broken heart | Guy Winch | TED

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Marssi Draw

At some point in our lives,

幾乎每個人，在人生中的某個時點，

almost every one of us will have our heart broken.

都會遇到心碎的狀況。

My patient Kathy planned her wedding when she was in middle school.

我的病人凱西還在中學時 就規劃了她的婚禮。

She would meet her future husband

她遇到未來老公的時間

by age 27,

會是在二十七歲時，

get engaged a year later

一年後他們會訂婚，

and get married a year after that.

再一年後結婚。

But when Kathy turned 27, she didn't find a husband.

但當凱西二十七歲時， 她沒有找到老公。

She found a lump in her breast.

她找到的，是胸部的腫塊。

She went through many months of harsh chemotherapy

她經歷了很多個月的辛苦化療，

and painful surgeries,

以及痛苦的手術，

and then just as she was ready to jump back into the dating world,

接著，就在她準備要 跳回來約會的世界時，

she found a lump in her other breast

她在另一邊的胸部發現了腫塊，

and had to do it all over again.

整個過程都得再重來一次。

Kathy recovered, though,

不過，凱西恢復了，

and she was eager to resume her search for a husband

她很熱切地想繼續尋找她的老公，

as soon as her eyebrows grew back in.

她打算等眉毛長回來就馬上行動。

When you're going on first dates in New York City,

當你在紐約市去赴第一次約會，

you need to be able to express a wide range of emotions.

你得要能夠表現出很多種情緒。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Soon afterwards, she met Rich and fell in love.

沒多久之後， 她遇見了雷奇，陷入熱戀。

The relationship was everything she hoped it would be.

這段感情完全是她所希望的那樣子。

Six months later,

六個月之後，

after a lovely weekend in New England,

在新英格蘭度過了 一個美好的週末之後，

Rich made reservations at their favorite romantic restaurant.

雷奇訂了他們最喜歡的浪漫餐廳。

Kathy knew he was going to propose,

凱西知道他要求婚了，

and she could barely contain her excitement.

她興奮難耐。

But Rich did not propose to Kathy that night.

但那晚，雷奇並沒有向凱西求婚。

He broke up with her.

他和她分手了。

As deeply as he cared for Kathy -- and he did --

儘管他對凱西的關心很深 ──他真的關心過──

he simply wasn't in love.

但他就是沒有愛上她。

Kathy was shattered.

凱西很震驚。

Her heart was truly broken, and she now faced yet another recovery.

她的心真的碎了， 她現在又要面臨一次復原。

But five months after the breakup,

但在分手後五個月，

Kathy still couldn't stop thinking about Rich.

凱西仍然無法不去想雷奇。

Her heart was still very much broken.

她的心仍然支離破碎。

The question is:

問題是：

Why?

為什麼？

Why was this incredibly strong and determined woman

為什麼這個極度堅強且堅定的女性，

unable to marshal the same emotional resources

沒有辦法去整理這些和她

that got her through four years of cancer treatments?

四年癌症治療同樣的情緒來源？

Why do so many of us flounder

為什麼有這麼多人

when we're trying to recover from heartbreak?

試著從心碎中復原時，都那麼掙扎？

Why do the same coping mechanisms

為什麼明明這些處理機制

that get us through all kinds of life challenges

能幫我們走過各種人生中的困難，

fail us so miserably when our heart gets broken?

卻在我們的心碎時刻， 完全派不上用場？

In over 20 years of private practice,

我私人執業的時間超過二十年，

I have seen people of every age and background

我見過各種年齡層、各種背景的人

face every manner of heartbreak,

面臨各種心碎，

and what I've learned is this:

而我所學到的是：

when your heart is broken,

當你的心碎了，

the same instincts you ordinarily rely on

你平常所仰賴的那些直覺

will time and again lead you down the wrong path.

會一而再，再而三地 引導你走向錯誤的路。

You simply cannot trust what your mind is telling you.

你就是不能相信你的大腦告訴你的。

For example, we know from studies of heartbroken people

比如，我們從關於 心碎的人的研究得知，

that having a clear understanding of why the relationship ended

清楚了解為什麼感情關係會結束

is really important for our ability to move on.

對於我們能否繼續 走下去是很重要的。

Yet time and again,

但，一而再，再而三，

when we are offered a simple and honest explanation

我們得到的是一個 簡單且誠實的解釋，

like the one Rich offered Kathy,

就像雷奇給凱西的解釋，

we reject it.

而我們不願接受。

Heartbreak creates such dramatic emotional pain,

心碎會造成非常戲劇性的痛苦，

our mind tells us the cause must be equally dramatic.

我們的大腦告訴我們， 它的成因一定也是同等戲劇性的。

And that gut instinct is so powerful,

那種直覺十分強大，

it can make even the most reasonable and measured of us

甚至會讓最理性、最慎重的人，

come up with mysteries and conspiracy theories

都會想出些根本不存在的謎團

where none exist.

和陰謀論。

Kathy became convinced something must have happened

凱西深信，在她和雷奇 浪漫之旅的過程中

during her romantic getaway with Rich

一定發生了什麼事，

that soured him on the relationship,

導致他對這段感情感到不快，

and she became obsessed with figuring out what that was.

而她變得執著在要想出原因是什麼。

And so she spent countless hours

於是，她花了無數小時，

going through every minute of that weekend in her mind,

在腦中回想那個週末的每一分鐘，

searching her memory for clues that were not there.

在記憶中尋找根本不存在的線索。

Kathy's mind tricked her into initiating this wild goose chase.

凱西的大腦騙了她， 讓她開始了這場徒勞的追尋。

But what compelled her to commit to it for so many months?

但，是什麼強迫她投入 這麼多個月的時間？

Heartbreak is far more insidious than we realize.

心碎比我們知道的 還要更會在暗中滋生。

There is a reason we keep going down one rabbit hole after another,

這就是我們會重蹈覆徹的原因，

even when we know it's going to make us feel worse.

即使我們知道這麼做 會讓我們感覺更糟糕。

Brain studies have shown

關於大腦的研究指出，

that the withdrawal of romantic love

脫離一段愛情

activates the same mechanisms in our brain that get activated

會啟動的大腦機制，

when addicts are withdrawing from substances like cocaine or opioids.

和成癮者要脫離古柯鹼 或鴉片這類物質時是一樣的。

Kathy was going through withdrawal.

凱西在經歷的就是脫離。

And since she could not have the heroin of actually being with Rich,

她的海洛因就是 和雷奇在一起，但她得不到，

her unconscious mind chose the methadone of her memories with him.

她無意識的大腦選擇用 她和他的記憶當作止痛藥，

Her instincts told her she was trying to solve a mystery,

她的直覺告訴她， 她是在試著解一個謎團，

but what she was actually doing

但她真正在做的事，

was getting her fix.

是給自己注射毒品。

This is what makes heartbreak so difficult to heal.

就是這樣，讓心碎很難治癒。

Addicts know they're addicted.

成癮者知道自己有癮。

They know when they're shooting up.

他們在注射毒品時是有自覺的。

But heartbroken people do not.

但心碎的人沒有。

But you do now.

但你現在知道了。

And if your heart is broken, you cannot ignore that.

如果你的心碎了，你不能忽略它。

You have to recognize that, as compelling as the urge is,

儘管衝動很難抗拒，你仍必須了解，

with every trip down memory lane, every text you send,

你每一次的回想， 你發出的每一則訊息，

every second you spend stalking your ex on social media,

你花在社交媒體上追蹤 前任情人的每一秒鐘，

you are just feeding your addiction,

你都只是在滿足你的癮，

deepening your emotional pain

加深你情緒上的痛苦，

and complicating your recovery.

讓你的復原變得更複雜。

Getting over heartbreak is not a journey.

度過心碎並不是一趟旅程。

It's a fight, and your reason is your strongest weapon.

它是場戰鬥，而你的理智 是你最強的武器。

There is no breakup explanation that's going to feel satisfying.

沒有任何分手解釋會讓人感到滿意。

No rationale can take away the pain you feel.

沒有邏輯理由能帶走 你所感受到的痛苦。

So don't search for one, don't wait for one,

所以不用去找理由了， 不要再等理由了，

just accept the one you were offered or make up one yourself

就接受你得到的理由吧， 不然就自己編一個，

and then put the question to rest,

然後就讓這個問題安息，

because you need that closure to resist the addiction.

因為你需要那個結束， 來對抗你的癮。

And you need something else as well:

你還需要別的：

you have to be willing to let go,

你得要願意放手，

to accept that it's over.

接受感情已經結束。

Otherwise, your mind will feed on your hope

不然，你的大腦會再給你希望，

and set you back.

讓你無法前進。

Hope can be incredibly destructive when your heart is broken.

當你心碎時，希望 是非常有毀滅性的。

Heartbreak is a master manipulator.

心碎，是操弄大師。

The ease with which it gets our mind to do the absolute opposite

它利用舒適當手段， 讓我們的大腦去做的事，

of what we need in order to recover

和復原所需要的完全相反，

is remarkable.

這手段很強大。

One of the most common tendencies we have when our heart is broken

當我們心碎時，最常見的傾向之一，

is to idealize the person who broke it.

就是會理想化那個讓我們心碎的人。

We spend hours remembering their smile,

我們花數小時的時間 去回想他們的笑容、

how great they made us feel,

那笑容帶給我們的感覺有多棒，

that time we hiked up the mountain and made love under the stars.

及我們爬上山在星空下做愛的時光。

All that does is make our loss feel more painful.

這唯一的效果，就是 讓我們的失去變得更痛苦。

We know that.

我們知道這一點。

Yet we still allow our mind to cycle through one greatest hit after another,

但我們仍然允許我們的大腦 陷在這不斷重擊的循環中，

like we were being held hostage by our own passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.

彷彿我們被自己被動攻擊的 Spotify 音樂播放清單給挾持當人質了。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Heartbreak will make those thoughts pop into your mind.

心碎會讓那些念頭出現在你腦中。

And so to avoid idealizing, you have to balance them out

為了避免理想化， 你得要將它們平衡掉，

by remembering their frown, not just their smile,

做法就是回想起他們的 皺眉，而不只是笑容、

how bad they made you feel,

他們帶給你多不好的感覺，

the fact that after the lovemaking, you got lost coming down the mountain,

以及在做愛後，你們下山時迷了路，

argued like crazy and didn't speak for two days.

吵得非常兇，兩天都不說話。

What I tell my patients is to compile an exhaustive list

我告訴我的病人， 編匯一份詳盡的清單，

of all the ways the person was wrong for you,

列出這個人不適合你的每一點、

all the bad qualities, all the pet peeves,

所有不好的特質、所有惹你惱火的事，

and then keep it on your phone.

然後把那清單放在手機裡。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And once you have your list,

一旦你列出了清單，

you have to use it.

你得要使用它。

When I hear even a hint of idealizing

每次與病人會面， 當我感覺到有一點點理想化

or the faintest whiff of nostalgia in a session,

或是最微弱的懷舊之情要浮現時，

I go, "Phone, please."

我會說：「請拿出手機。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Your mind will try to tell you they were perfect.

你的大腦會試著告訴你他們很完美。

But they were not, and neither was the relationship.

但他們並不完美， 你們的關係也不完美。

And if you want to get over them, you have to remind yourself of that,

如果你想要熬過去， 你就得提醒自己這件事，

frequently.

常常提醒。

None of us is immune to heartbreak.

沒有人對心碎免疫。

My patient Miguel was a 56-year-old senior executive in a software company.

我的病人，米格，五十六歲， 是軟體公司的高階主管。

Five years after his wife died,

在他的太太過世五年後，

he finally felt ready to start dating again.

他終於覺得準備好 可以開始再次約會了。

He soon met Sharon,

他很快就遇到了雪倫， 接著展開熱戀。

and a whirlwind romance ensued.

They introduced each other to their adult children after one month,

一個月後，他們把彼此介紹 給對方的成年子女認識，

and they moved in together after two.

兩個月後，他們開始同居。

When middle-aged people date, they don't mess around.

中年人約會不浪費時間。

It's like "Love, Actually" meets "The Fast and the Furious."

這就像《愛是您，愛是我》 遇見《玩命關頭》。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Miguel was happier than he had been in years.

米格比過去幾年來都更快樂。

But the night before their first anniversary,

但在他們一週年的前一晚，

Sharon left him.

雪倫離開了他。

She had decided to move to the West Coast to be closer to her children,

她決定搬到西岸， 離她的孩子們近一點，

and she didn't want a long-distance relationship.

而她不想談遠距離戀愛。

Miguel was totally blindsided and utterly devastated.

米格在毫無防備下受到打擊， 徹底身心交瘁。

He barely functioned at work for many, many months,

許多許多個月，他幾乎無法工作，

and he almost lost his job as a result.

結果他差點丟了飯碗。

Another consequence of heartbreak is that feeling alone and in pain

心碎的另一個後果

就是孤獨和痛苦的感受 能顯著破壞我們的智力運作，

can significantly impair our intellectual functioning,

especially when performing complex tasks involving logic and reasoning.

特別是在進行涉及邏輯 和推理的複雜工作時。

It temporarily lowers our IQ.

它會讓我們的智商暫時下降。

But it wasn't just the intensity of Miguel's grief

但讓米格的老闆感到困惑的，

that confused his employers;

不只是他的悲慟強度，

it was the duration.

還有時間長度。

Miguel was confused by this as well

米格自己也對此感到困惑，

and really quite embarrassed by it.

且因此覺得很不好意思。

"What's wrong with me?" he asked me in our session.

「我是怎麼搞的？」 心理治療時他這樣問我。

"What adult spends almost a year getting over a one-year relationship?"

「什麼樣的成人會花幾乎一年 才能忘懷只維持一年的感情？」

Actually, many do.

其實，很多成人都如此。

Heartbreak shares all the hallmarks of traditional loss and grief:

心碎，有著傳統失去 和悲傷的所有特徵：

insomnia, intrusive thoughts,

失眠、煩擾的想法、

immune system dysfunction.

免疫系統失衡。

Forty percent of people experience clinically measurable depression.

有四成的人會經歷憂鬱， 且是臨床上可測量出來的程度。

Heartbreak is a complex psychological injury.

心碎是一種複雜的心理傷害。

It impacts us in a multitude of ways.

它以許多方式影響著我們。

For example, Sharon was both very social

比如，雪倫非常樂於社交，

and very active.

也非常主動。

She had dinners at the house every week.

每週她都會在家中辦晚餐會。

She and Miguel went on camping trips with other couples.

她和米格會和其他情侶 或夫妻一起外出露營。

Although Miguel was not religious,

雖然米格沒有宗教信仰，

he accompanied Sharon to church every Sunday,

每個星期日他會陪雪倫去教堂，

where he was welcomed into the congregation.

在教堂，他也被會眾歡迎。

Miguel didn't just lose his girlfriend;

米格失去的不只是他的女友；

he lost his entire social life,

他失去了他的整個社交生活，

the supportive community of Sharon's church.

那個支持他的社群，雪倫的教堂。

He lost his identity as a couple.

他失去了身為「一對」的身分。

Now, Miguel recognized the breakup had left this huge void in his life,

米格了解到，這次分手 讓他的人生留下了一個大空洞，

but what he failed to recognize

但他沒有發現，

is that it left far more than just one.

留下的空洞其實不只一個。

And that is crucial,

那是很關鍵的一點，

not just because it explains why heartbreak could be so devastating,

不單單因為它能解釋為什麼 心碎這麼讓人身心交瘁，

but because it tells us how to heal.

也因為它告訴我們如何能治癒。

To fix your broken heart,

要修補你破碎的心，

you have to identify these voids in your life and fill them,

你得要辨識出你人生中的 那些空洞，並將之填補起來，

and I mean all of them.

我指的是全部的空洞。

The voids in your identity:

你身分中的空洞：

you have to reestablish who you are and what your life is about.

你得要重新建立你自己和你的生活。

The voids in your social life,

你社交生活中的空洞：

the missing activities, even the empty spaces on the wall

少掉的活動，甚至 牆壁上把以前掛的照片

where pictures used to hang.

取下後留下的空白處。

But none of that will do any good

但這些都不會有用，

unless you prevent the mistakes that can set you back,

除非你能預防不要犯下 讓你走回頭路的錯誤，

the unnecessary searches for explanations,

不要一直去找沒必要的解釋，

idealizing your ex instead of focusing on how they were wrong for you,

不要把你的前任給理想化， 都不想想他們不適合你的地方，

indulging thoughts and behaviors that still give them a starring role

還沉迷在讓他們 像明星的行為與思想中，

in this next chapter of your life

在你人生的下一個章節

when they shouldn't be an extra.

他們應該是多餘的。

Getting over heartbreak is hard,

度過心碎是很難的，

but if you refuse to be misled by your mind and you take steps to heal,

但如果你拒絕被你的大腦誤導， 且能採取療癒的步驟，

you can significantly minimize your suffering.

你就能顯著地 將你所受的苦降至最低。

And it won't just be you who benefit from that.

受惠的不只有你。

You'll be more present with your friends,

和朋友一起時，你就更能處在當下，

more engaged with your family,

和家人更緊密，

not to mention the billions of dollars of compromised productivity

更不用說在工作上 因為生產力降低而造成的

in the workplace that could be avoided.

數十億損失，那是可避免的。

So if you know someone who is heartbroken,

所以，如果你認識一個心碎的人，

have compassion,

要有同理心，

because social support has been found to be important for their recovery.

因為社交上的支持已證實 對他們的恢復是很重要的。

And have patience,

要有耐心，

because it's going to take them longer to move on than you think it should.

因為要讓他們繼續前進 花的時間會比你預期的還長。

And if you're hurting,

如果你會痛，

know this:

要知道這一點：

it's difficult, it is a battle within your own mind,

這很辛苦，這是場 在你自己腦中的戰鬥，

and you have to be diligent to win.

你得要很勤奮才能贏。

But you do have weapons.

但你確實有武器。

You can fight.

你能戰鬥。

And you will heal.

且你會復原。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）