How to fix a broken heart | Guy Winch | TED

翻译人员: Chien Yet Chong 校对人员: Eddy Chan

At some point in our lives,

在我们一生中的某个时刻，

almost every one of us will have our heart broken.

差不多每个人都经历过心碎。

My patient Kathy planned her wedding when she was in middle school.

我的病人凯蒂中学时 就开始为她的婚礼做计划。

She would meet her future husband

她想27岁时就遇见她的

by age 27,

未来丈夫，

get engaged a year later

一年后订婚，

and get married a year after that.

最后在接下来的一年结婚。

But when Kathy turned 27, she didn't find a husband.

但是当凯蒂27岁时， 她并没找到丈夫。

She found a lump in her breast.

她发现她的乳房有肿块。

She went through many months of harsh chemotherapy

她必须捱过多个月的严酷化疗

and painful surgeries,

以及痛不欲生的手术，

and then just as she was ready to jump back into the dating world,

当她准备好重新开始约会时，

she found a lump in her other breast

她又发现另一个乳房有肿块，

and had to do it all over again.

而又要再重新进行治疗。

Kathy recovered, though,

凯蒂最终康复，

and she was eager to resume her search for a husband

她迫不及待地重返 寻找丈夫这个任务，

as soon as her eyebrows grew back in.

在她的眉毛长回后就立即开始。

When you're going on first dates in New York City,

你在纽约第一次约会，

you need to be able to express a wide range of emotions.

必须能表达多样化的感情。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Soon afterwards, she met Rich and fell in love.

不久之后，她遇见了瑞奇， 两人堕入爱河。

The relationship was everything she hoped it would be.

这段感情是她梦寐以求的。

Six months later,

六个月后，

after a lovely weekend in New England,

在新英格兰度过了 甜美的周末后，

Rich made reservations at their favorite romantic restaurant.

瑞奇在他们最喜欢的 浪漫餐厅做了预订。

Kathy knew he was going to propose,

凯蒂知道他将会向她求婚，

and she could barely contain her excitement.

她几乎无法压抑她的兴奋感。

But Rich did not propose to Kathy that night.

但是那天晚上瑞奇 并没向凯蒂求婚。

He broke up with her.

他跟凯蒂分手了。

As deeply as he cared for Kathy -- and he did --

尽管瑞奇非常关心凯蒂 ——确实如此——

he simply wasn't in love.

但他就是没爱上凯蒂。

Kathy was shattered.

凯蒂心碎万分。

Her heart was truly broken, and she now faced yet another recovery.

她的心彻底碎了， 现在她又要进行另一个治疗。

But five months after the breakup,

但是分手之后过了五个月，

Kathy still couldn't stop thinking about Rich.

凯蒂还是无法停止 想起瑞奇。

Her heart was still very much broken.

她的心仍然破碎不堪。

The question is:

问题是：

Why?

为什么？

Why was this incredibly strong and determined woman

为什么这位异常坚强和 意志坚定的女人

unable to marshal the same emotional resources

无法重拾四年前帮助她

that got her through four years of cancer treatments?

挺过癌症治疗的心理状态？

Why do so many of us flounder

为什么我们那么多人

when we're trying to recover from heartbreak?

在尝试愈合心碎时挣扎不堪？

Why do the same coping mechanisms

为什么帮助我们应付

that get us through all kinds of life challenges

许多人生挑战的作用机理

fail us so miserably when our heart gets broken?

却在我们心碎时完全无效？

In over 20 years of private practice,

在超过20年的私人看诊经历中，

I have seen people of every age and background

我见过来自各个年龄 以及背景的人

face every manner of heartbreak,

面对每种类别的心碎，

and what I've learned is this:

而我从中学习到的是：

when your heart is broken,

当你心碎时，

the same instincts you ordinarily rely on

你平常所依赖的那些直觉

will time and again lead you down the wrong path.

将一次又一次地 误导你步上歧途。

You simply cannot trust what your mind is telling you.

你不能相信自己的直觉。

For example, we know from studies of heartbroken people

举个例子，我们知道有关 心碎的人的研究显示，

that having a clear understanding of why the relationship ended

清楚了解关系终结的原因

is really important for our ability to move on.

对继续向前，不被感情所困 的能力非常重要。

Yet time and again,

但是，一次又一次地，

when we are offered a simple and honest explanation

当别人告诉我们简单 以及真诚的解释时，

like the one Rich offered Kathy,

如同瑞奇告诉凯蒂的，

we reject it.

我们会全盘拒绝。

Heartbreak creates such dramatic emotional pain,

心碎制造出如此 戏剧化的感情伤痛，

our mind tells us the cause must be equally dramatic.

以致我们的头脑告诉我们 其原因也肯定同样戏剧化。

And that gut instinct is so powerful,

而那直觉是如此强大，

it can make even the most reasonable and measured of us

它可导致我们当中 最理性和最慎重的人

come up with mysteries and conspiracy theories

想出完全不存在的神秘论和

where none exist.

阴谋论。

Kathy became convinced something must have happened

凯蒂坚信她和瑞奇 一起度过的浪漫假期时

during her romantic getaway with Rich

肯定发生了什么

that soured him on the relationship,

破坏他们俩感情的事儿，

and she became obsessed with figuring out what that was.

导致她无法自拔地 猜想到底是什么事儿。

And so she spent countless hours

就那样，她花了无数时间

going through every minute of that weekend in her mind,

在脑海里重新回顾 那个周末的每一分钟，

searching her memory for clues that were not there.

尝试在她的记忆里寻找 不存在的线索。

Kathy's mind tricked her into initiating this wild goose chase.

凯蒂的思想哄骗她 开始这徒劳的搜索。

But what compelled her to commit to it for so many months?

但是又是什么迫使她花 无数个月的时间这么做呢？

Heartbreak is far more insidious than we realize.

心碎比我们意识到的 更阴险狡诈。

There is a reason we keep going down one rabbit hole after another,

让我们不断地重返一个 又一个的迷幻世界，

even when we know it's going to make us feel worse.

就算我们知道这么做只会 让我们觉得更糟，是有原因的。

Brain studies have shown

大脑研究显示，

that the withdrawal of romantic love

失去浪漫的爱情

activates the same mechanisms in our brain that get activated

在我们大脑所引发的作用机理

when addicts are withdrawing from substances like cocaine or opioids.

跟上瘾者停止吸食如可卡因和 鸦片类毒品时是一样的。

Kathy was going through withdrawal.

凯蒂正经历着戒断期。

And since she could not have the heroin of actually being with Rich,

既然她的生活中不能没有了 像海洛因一样的瑞奇，

her unconscious mind chose the methadone of her memories with him.

于是她的潜意识选择把他们在 在一起的回忆当做代替品。

Her instincts told her she was trying to solve a mystery,

她的直觉告诉她在 解开一个谜题，

but what she was actually doing

但其实她正在做的

was getting her fix.

是满足她的“毒瘾”。

This is what makes heartbreak so difficult to heal.

这也就是心碎那么难痊愈的原因。

Addicts know they're addicted.

吸毒者知道他们上了瘾。

They know when they're shooting up.

他们知道他们正在注射毒品。

But heartbroken people do not.

但心碎的人则完全不知情。

But you do now.

不过现在你们知道了。

And if your heart is broken, you cannot ignore that.

如果你的心碎了， 你不能坐视不理。

You have to recognize that, as compelling as the urge is,

你必须承认， 无论冲动是多么强大，

with every trip down memory lane, every text you send,

每次重温记忆， 每发一条短信，

every second you spend stalking your ex on social media,

每秒你花在社交媒体上 跟踪你的旧爱，

you are just feeding your addiction,

你其实就在满足你的“毒瘾”，

deepening your emotional pain

加深你感情上的痛苦，

and complicating your recovery.

并使痊愈过程更复杂。

Getting over heartbreak is not a journey.

要愈合心碎并非一个旅程，

It's a fight, and your reason is your strongest weapon.

而是个斗争，而你的理智 是你最强大的武器。

There is no breakup explanation that's going to feel satisfying.

没有任何分手原因将 让你感到满足。

No rationale can take away the pain you feel.

没有任何理论可以 带走你所感受的痛楚。

So don't search for one, don't wait for one,

所以不要再找原因了， 不要再等另一个理论了，

just accept the one you were offered or make up one yourself

就接受你已知原因， 或自己捏造一个吧，

and then put the question to rest,

然后不再继续追究了，

because you need that closure to resist the addiction.

因为你需要的就是这个了结 来应付你的毒瘾。

And you need something else as well:

你也需要其它东西：

you have to be willing to let go,

你必须甘心放手，

to accept that it's over.

接受一切已经终结了的事实。

Otherwise, your mind will feed on your hope

不然的话，你的潜意识 会继续给你奢望，

and set you back.

使你无法前进。

Hope can be incredibly destructive when your heart is broken.

当你心碎时，奢望可以 有灾难性的破坏力。

Heartbreak is a master manipulator.

心碎是个灵巧的操纵者。

The ease with which it gets our mind to do the absolute opposite

对我们的头脑来说， 采取跟愈合心碎

of what we need in order to recover

完全相反的步骤

is remarkable.

是相当容易的。

One of the most common tendencies we have when our heart is broken

我们心碎时最常有的倾向之一

is to idealize the person who broke it.

是崇拜跟我们分手的人。

We spend hours remembering their smile,

我们花无数时间回想起他们的微笑、

how great they made us feel,

他们如何让我们感到愉快、

that time we hiked up the mountain and made love under the stars.

或者我们一起爬山时 在星光下亲吻的时候。

All that does is make our loss feel more painful.

这些都会让我们为 损失感到更痛苦。

We know that.

我们知道这一点。

Yet we still allow our mind to cycle through one greatest hit after another,

但我们仍不断地在脑袋里 重复那些难忘的经历，

like we were being held hostage by our own passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.

如同我们被自己被动攻击型的 音乐播放表所劫持。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Heartbreak will make those thoughts pop into your mind.

心碎会让那些想法突然浮现在脑海中。

And so to avoid idealizing, you have to balance them out

所以为了避免理想化他们的形象， 你必须平衡你的记忆片段，

by remembering their frown, not just their smile,

想起他们的愁眉苦脸， 而不只是他们的笑容，

how bad they made you feel,

是他们让你感到糟糕，

the fact that after the lovemaking, you got lost coming down the mountain,

以及事实是，亲吻完后， 你们爬下山时迷路了，

argued like crazy and didn't speak for two days.

然后因此而大吵一架， 两天没跟对方说话。

What I tell my patients is to compile an exhaustive list

我建议我的病人 写出一个详尽的列表，

of all the ways the person was wrong for you,

说明那个人所做过 对不起你的事，

all the bad qualities, all the pet peeves,

所有的缺点，所有的怪毛病，

and then keep it on your phone.

然后存入你的手机内。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And once you have your list,

一旦你有这个列表，

you have to use it.

就一定要使用它。

When I hear even a hint of idealizing

当我在疗程进行时听到病人 依然崇拜他们的旧爱，

or the faintest whiff of nostalgia in a session,

或略微缅怀过去，

I go, "Phone, please."

我就说，“请拿出手机。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Your mind will try to tell you they were perfect.

你的头脑尝试告诉你 他们是完美的。

But they were not, and neither was the relationship.

然而他们并非如此， 那段感情也并非如此。

And if you want to get over them, you have to remind yourself of that,

如果你要忘却他们， 你就必须提醒你自己那个事实，

frequently.

并时刻照做。

None of us is immune to heartbreak.

所有人都会心碎。

My patient Miguel was a 56-year-old senior executive in a software company.

我的病人米格尔是个56岁 的软件公司高级行政人员。

Five years after his wife died,

他的妻子去世五年后，

he finally felt ready to start dating again.

他终于准备好开始一段新恋情。

He soon met Sharon,

他很快遇上了莎伦，

and a whirlwind romance ensued.

风驰电掣般的爱情随后发生。

They introduced each other to their adult children after one month,

一个月后，他们向各自的 成年孩子介绍对方，

and they moved in together after two.

并在两个月后开始同居。

When middle-aged people date, they don't mess around.

中年人谈恋爱，认真不随便。

It's like "Love, Actually" meets "The Fast and the Furious."

情况就如电影《真爱至上》 遇上了《速度与激情》一样。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Miguel was happier than he had been in years.

米格尔好几年 都没那么幸福过了。

But the night before their first anniversary,

但是他们第一个周年纪念日 的前一个晚上，

Sharon left him.

莎伦离开了他。

She had decided to move to the West Coast to be closer to her children,

莎伦决定搬去美国西海岸 跟她的孩子住得近一点儿，

and she didn't want a long-distance relationship.

而她不想要谈异地恋爱。

Miguel was totally blindsided and utterly devastated.

米格尔对这个消息防不胜防， 并且感到极其悲痛。

He barely functioned at work for many, many months,

连续好几个月，他几乎 无法正常上班，

and he almost lost his job as a result.

他也因此而差一点儿丢了工作。

Another consequence of heartbreak is that feeling alone and in pain

心碎的另一个后遗症是， 寂寞感和心痛

can significantly impair our intellectual functioning,

可以大大地削弱我们 的智力功能，

especially when performing complex tasks involving logic and reasoning.

尤其是当我们进行牵涉逻辑 和推论思考的复杂任务，

It temporarily lowers our IQ.

心痛会暂时性地降低我们的智商。

But it wasn't just the intensity of Miguel's grief

但是使米格尔的雇主纳闷的

that confused his employers;

并非只是他的悲痛程度；

it was the duration.

而是悲痛持续的时间。

Miguel was confused by this as well

米格尔也被无法释怀这件事困扰着，

and really quite embarrassed by it.

并且为此而感到相当尴尬。

"What's wrong with me?" he asked me in our session.

“我到底怎么了？治疗期间 他问我这个问题。

"What adult spends almost a year getting over a one-year relationship?"

“哪有成年人花将近一年时间 忘记一段一年长的感情呢？”

Actually, many do.

其实，很多成年人都这样。

Heartbreak shares all the hallmarks of traditional loss and grief:

心碎的特征跟传统的 痛失亲友以及悲痛是一样的：

insomnia, intrusive thoughts,

失眠、侵入性思想、

immune system dysfunction.

免疫系统缺陷。

Forty percent of people experience clinically measurable depression.

百分之四十的人会经历 临床可观察的抑郁症。

Heartbreak is a complex psychological injury.

心碎是个复杂的心理创伤。

It impacts us in a multitude of ways.

它在许多方面影响着我们。

For example, Sharon was both very social

举个例子，莎伦很爱好交际，

and very active.

也会经常出去参加社交活动。

She had dinners at the house every week.

她每个星期都在家里开设晚宴。

She and Miguel went on camping trips with other couples.

她和米格尔跟其他情侣 一起去露营。

Although Miguel was not religious,

虽然米格尔不信奉任何宗教，

he accompanied Sharon to church every Sunday,

他每个星期日还是会 陪伴莎伦去上教堂，

where he was welcomed into the congregation.

教堂会众也热情地接待他。

Miguel didn't just lose his girlfriend;

米格尔不单单失去了他的女朋友；

he lost his entire social life,

他失去了他整个社交生活，

the supportive community of Sharon's church.

莎伦的教堂这个支持他的团体，

He lost his identity as a couple.

还失去了身为情侣的身份。

Now, Miguel recognized the breakup had left this huge void in his life,

米格尔意识到分手在他的 生活中留下了一个很大的空缺，

but what he failed to recognize

但是他没有意识到的是

is that it left far more than just one.

分手留下的空缺不只是一个。

And that is crucial,

那是至关重要的，

not just because it explains why heartbreak could be so devastating,

因为那不只解释了为什么心碎 的伤害可以如此之大，

but because it tells us how to heal.

也告诉我们可以如何愈合。

To fix your broken heart,

要从心碎中走出来，

you have to identify these voids in your life and fill them,

你一定要辨识你生活中 这些空缺并填补它们，

and I mean all of them.

我说的是所有空缺。

The voids in your identity:

你身份上的空缺：

you have to reestablish who you are and what your life is about.

你一定要重新建立你的身份 和你的生活目标。

The voids in your social life,

你的社交生活上的空缺，

the missing activities, even the empty spaces on the wall

不再做的活动，就连墙壁上那个

where pictures used to hang.

曾经挂着相片的空位。

But none of that will do any good

但让这一切见效的前提是，

unless you prevent the mistakes that can set you back,

你必须不再犯下让你 停滞不前的过错，

the unnecessary searches for explanations,

不再不必要地去寻找解释，

idealizing your ex instead of focusing on how they were wrong for you,

不再崇拜你的前情侣， 而是要集中于他们怎么对不起你，

indulging thoughts and behaviors that still give them a starring role

在这个新的生活篇章中 不再把他们捧为明星

in this next chapter of your life

并沉迷于这种思想和行为，

when they shouldn't be an extra.

事实是他们连路人甲都不配做。

Getting over heartbreak is hard,

让破碎的心愈合是非常痛苦的事，

but if you refuse to be misled by your mind and you take steps to heal,

但是如果你拒绝让你的头脑 误导你，并主动采取愈合的行动，

you can significantly minimize your suffering.

你可以最大限度地降低痛苦。

And it won't just be you who benefit from that.

你将不会是唯一一个获利的人。

You'll be more present with your friends,

你将会花更多时间在你朋友身边，

more engaged with your family,

花更多时间跟你的家人在一起，

not to mention the billions of dollars of compromised productivity

更别谈上亿万美元可避免的

in the workplace that could be avoided.

工作生产力上的损失。

So if you know someone who is heartbroken,

如果你知道有谁心碎了，

have compassion,

要心怀同情，

because social support has been found to be important for their recovery.

因为社会的支持被证实 对他们的复原非常重要。

And have patience,

要有耐心，

because it's going to take them longer to move on than you think it should.

因为他们放下感情所需的时间 会比你想象中的更长。

And if you're hurting,

还有如果是你的心在痛，

know this:

要知道：

it's difficult, it is a battle within your own mind,

要赢得这个在你脑海中的搏斗很难，

and you have to be diligent to win.

你必须努力才可以赢得这场斗争。

But you do have weapons.

但是你不是手无寸铁的。

You can fight.

你可以战胜它。

And you will heal.

你将会痊愈。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）