How to fix a broken heart | Guy Winch | TED

Prevoditelj: Lidija Funtek Recezent: Ivan Stamenković

At some point in our lives,

Jednom u životu,

almost every one of us will have our heart broken.

gotovo svakome od nas slomljeno je srce.

My patient Kathy planned her wedding when she was in middle school.

Moja pacijentica Kathy već je u srednjoj školi planirala svoje vjenčanje.

She would meet her future husband

Upoznat će budućeg muža

by age 27,

do 27. godine,

get engaged a year later

zaručiti se godinu kasnije

and get married a year after that.

i oženiti se godinu nakon toga.

But when Kathy turned 27, she didn't find a husband.

No Kathy nije našla muža kada je navršila 27 godina.

She found a lump in her breast.

Našla je kvržicu na dojci.

She went through many months of harsh chemotherapy

Mjesecima je odlazila na teške kemoterapije

and painful surgeries,

i bolne operacije

and then just as she was ready to jump back into the dating world,

i baš kada je bila spremna opet početi izlaziti na spojeve,

she found a lump in her other breast

pronašla je kvržicu na drugoj dojci

and had to do it all over again.

i sve je počelo ispočetka.

Kathy recovered, though,

Kathy se oporavila

and she was eager to resume her search for a husband

i htjela je nastaviti svoju potragu za mužem

as soon as her eyebrows grew back in.

čim bi joj obrve opet narasle.

When you're going on first dates in New York City,

Kada u New Yorku idete na prvi spoj,

you need to be able to express a wide range of emotions.

morate moći izraziti svakakve osjećaje.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Soon afterwards, she met Rich and fell in love.

Uskoro nakon toga upoznala je Richa i zaljubila se.

The relationship was everything she hoped it would be.

Veza je bila onakvom kakvom ju je zamišljala.

Six months later,

Šest mjeseci kasnije,

after a lovely weekend in New England,

nakon lijepog vikenda u Novoj Engleskoj,

Rich made reservations at their favorite romantic restaurant.

Rich je rezervirao mjesto u njihovom najdražem romantičnom restoranu.

Kathy knew he was going to propose,

Kathy je znala da će ju zaprositi

and she could barely contain her excitement.

i jedva je mogla sakriti uzbuđenje.

But Rich did not propose to Kathy that night.

No Rich nije zaprosio Kathy te večeri.

He broke up with her.

Prekinuo je s njom.

As deeply as he cared for Kathy -- and he did --

Koliko god da mu je bilo stalo do Kathy -- a zaista jest --

he simply wasn't in love.

jednostavno nije bio zaljubljen.

Kathy was shattered.

Kathy je bila shrvana.

Her heart was truly broken, and she now faced yet another recovery.

Srce joj je zaista bilo slomljeno i čekao ju je još jedan oporavak.

But five months after the breakup,

No 5 mjeseci nakon prekida,

Kathy still couldn't stop thinking about Rich.

Kathy nije mogla prestati misliti na Richa.

Her heart was still very much broken.

Srce joj je još uvijek bilo slomljeno.

The question is:

Pitanje je:

Why?

Zašto?

Why was this incredibly strong and determined woman

Zašto ova nevjerojatno jaka i odlučna žena

unable to marshal the same emotional resources

nije upotrijebila istu emocionalnu snagu

that got her through four years of cancer treatments?

kojom je prebrodila 4 godine kemoterapija?

Why do so many of us flounder

Zašto se mnogi od nas muče

when we're trying to recover from heartbreak?

kada se pokušavaju oporaviti od slomljenog srca?

Why do the same coping mechanisms

Zašto sve one strategije

that get us through all kinds of life challenges

koje koristimo za rješavanje raznih životnih problema

fail us so miserably when our heart gets broken?

uopće ne funkcioniraju kada imamo slomljeno srce?

In over 20 years of private practice,

U više od 20 godina privatne prakse,

I have seen people of every age and background

vidio sam ljude svih godina i porijekla

face every manner of heartbreak,

kako se suočavaju sa slomljenim srcem

and what I've learned is this:

i evo što sam naučio:

when your heart is broken,

kada vam je srce slomljeno,

the same instincts you ordinarily rely on

oni isti instinkti na koje se inače oslanjate

will time and again lead you down the wrong path.

stalno će vas navoditi na krivi put.

You simply cannot trust what your mind is telling you.

Jednostavno ne možete vjerovati onome što vam um govori.

For example, we know from studies of heartbroken people

Primjerice, iz istraživanja o slomljenom srcu znamo

that having a clear understanding of why the relationship ended

da je jako važno točno znati i razumjeti zašto je došlo do prekida veze

is really important for our ability to move on.

kako bismo mogli nastaviti dalje.

Yet time and again,

No svaki puta

when we are offered a simple and honest explanation

kada dobijemo jednostavno i iskreno objašnjenje,

like the one Rich offered Kathy,

kao što je Rich objasnio Kathy,

we reject it.

mi ga odbijemo.

Heartbreak creates such dramatic emotional pain,

Slomljeno srce stvara tako dramatičnu emocionalnu bol

our mind tells us the cause must be equally dramatic.

da nam um govori kako uzrok mora biti isto tako dramatičan.

And that gut instinct is so powerful,

I taj unutrašnji instinkt je toliko jak

it can make even the most reasonable and measured of us

da čak i oni najrazumniji i najrealniji od nas

come up with mysteries and conspiracy theories

počinju izmišljati tajanstvene uzroke i teorije urote

where none exist.

koje uopće ne postoje.

Kathy became convinced something must have happened

Kathy se uvjerila da se nešto dogodilo

during her romantic getaway with Rich

tijekom romantičnog vikenda s Richom

that soured him on the relationship,

što mu je upropastilo vezu

and she became obsessed with figuring out what that was.

i postala je opsjednuta time da sazna što je to bilo.

And so she spent countless hours

Provela je sate i sate u glavi

going through every minute of that weekend in her mind,

prisjećajući se svake minute tog vikenda,

searching her memory for clues that were not there.

tražeći dokaze kojih nije bilo.

Kathy's mind tricked her into initiating this wild goose chase.

Kathyin um natjerao ju je da krene u tu uzaludnu potragu.

But what compelled her to commit to it for so many months?

No što ju je tjeralo da to radi mjesecima?

Heartbreak is far more insidious than we realize.

Slomljeno srce podmuklije je nešto što se čini.

There is a reason we keep going down one rabbit hole after another,

Postoji razlog zašto idemo od jedne do druge bizarnosti

even when we know it's going to make us feel worse.

iako znamo da ćemo se samo još gore osjećati.

Brain studies have shown

Istraživanja mozga pokazala su

that the withdrawal of romantic love

da uklanjanje romantične ljubavi

activates the same mechanisms in our brain that get activated

aktivira iste mehanizme u mozgu kao

when addicts are withdrawing from substances like cocaine or opioids.

kada se ovisnici odvikavaju od supstanci poput kokaina ili opioida.

Kathy was going through withdrawal.

Kathy je bila na odvikavanju.

And since she could not have the heroin of actually being with Rich,

I budući da se nije mogla "drogirati" time što je u vezi s Richom,

her unconscious mind chose the methadone of her memories with him.

um joj je za odvikavanje nesvjesno odabrao sjećanja na njega.

Her instincts told her she was trying to solve a mystery,

Instinkti su joj govorili da pokušava riješiti zagonetku,

but what she was actually doing

ali zapravo je samo uzimala

was getting her fix.

sljedeći šut.

This is what makes heartbreak so difficult to heal.

Zato je tako teško preboljeti slomljeno srce.

Addicts know they're addicted.

Ovisnici znaju da su ovisni.

They know when they're shooting up.

Znaju kada uzimaju šut.

But heartbroken people do not.

No ljudi slomljenog srca ne znaju.

But you do now.

No sada znate.

And if your heart is broken, you cannot ignore that.

I ako vam je srce slomljeno, ne možete to ignorirati.

You have to recognize that, as compelling as the urge is,

Morate shvatiti da, koliko god to bilo privlačno,

with every trip down memory lane, every text you send,

svako prisjećanje, svaka poruka koju pošaljete,

every second you spend stalking your ex on social media,

svaka sekunda koju provedete prateći svog bivšeg na društvenoj mreži

you are just feeding your addiction,

samo hrani vašu ovisnost,

deepening your emotional pain

produbljuje emocionalnu bol

and complicating your recovery.

i otežava vaš oporavak.

Getting over heartbreak is not a journey.

Liječenje slomljenog srca nije putovanje.

It's a fight, and your reason is your strongest weapon.

To je borba, a vaš razum je vaše najjače oružje.

There is no breakup explanation that's going to feel satisfying.

Nijedan razlog prekida veze neće biti dovoljno dobar.

No rationale can take away the pain you feel.

Nikakva logika neće ublažiti bol koju osjećate.

So don't search for one, don't wait for one,

Nemojte ju tražiti, nemojte čekati da se pojavi,

just accept the one you were offered or make up one yourself

prihvatite ono koje ste dobili ili izmislite neko objašnjenje

and then put the question to rest,

i završite sa svime time

because you need that closure to resist the addiction.

jer vam treba taj zaključak kako biste se oduprli ovisnosti.

And you need something else as well:

Trebate i još nešto:

you have to be willing to let go,

morate biti spremni pomiriti se s time,

to accept that it's over.

prihvatiti da je gotovo.

Otherwise, your mind will feed on your hope

Inače će ta nada samo poticati vaš um

and set you back.

i vraćati vas natrag.

Hope can be incredibly destructive when your heart is broken.

Nada može biti jako pogubna kada vam je srce slomljeno.

Heartbreak is a master manipulator.

Slomljeno srce je veliki manipulator.

The ease with which it gets our mind to do the absolute opposite

Lakoća kojom nas tjera da radimo suprotno

of what we need in order to recover

od onoga što je potrebno da se oporavimo

is remarkable.

je nevjerojatna.

One of the most common tendencies we have when our heart is broken

Jedna od najčešćih stvari koju radimo kada nam je srce slomljeno

is to idealize the person who broke it.

je ta da idealiziramo osobu koja ga je slomila.

We spend hours remembering their smile,

Provodimo sate prisjećajući se njihovog osmijeha,

how great they made us feel,

kako smo se dobro osjećali pokraj njih,

that time we hiked up the mountain and made love under the stars.

kada smo planinarili i vodili ljubav pod zvijezdama.

All that does is make our loss feel more painful.

Sve to samo pogoršava bol gubitka.

We know that.

Znamo to.

Yet we still allow our mind to cycle through one greatest hit after another,

I svejedno dopuštamo umu da vrti naše najbolje hitove jedan za drugim

like we were being held hostage by our own passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.

kao da smo taoci našeg vlastitog pasivno-agresivnog popisa glazbe.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Heartbreak will make those thoughts pop into your mind.

Slomljeno srce slati će takve misli u vaš um.

And so to avoid idealizing, you have to balance them out

Kako bi izbjegli idealiziranje, morate unijeti ravnotežu

by remembering their frown, not just their smile,

prisjećanjem i njihovog mrštenja, ne samo osmijeha,

how bad they made you feel,

kako ste se zbog njih loše osjećali,

the fact that after the lovemaking, you got lost coming down the mountain,

kada ste se nakon vođenja ljubavi izgubili kada ste silazili s planine,

argued like crazy and didn't speak for two days.

svađali se kao ludi i niste razgovarali dva dana.

What I tell my patients is to compile an exhaustive list

Kažem svojim pacijentima da naprave detaljan popis

of all the ways the person was wrong for you,

svih situacija kada vas je ta osoba povrijedila,

all the bad qualities, all the pet peeves,

svih loših osobina i iritantnih navika

and then keep it on your phone.

te da taj popis imaju na svom mobitelu.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And once you have your list,

I kada imate taj popis,

you have to use it.

morate ga koristiti.

When I hear even a hint of idealizing

Kada primijetim da dolazi do idealiziranja

or the faintest whiff of nostalgia in a session,

ili najmanjeg osjećaja nostalgije tijekom terapije,

I go, "Phone, please."

kažem, "Mobitel, molim."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Your mind will try to tell you they were perfect.

Vaš um pokušat će vam reći da je osoba bila savršena.

But they were not, and neither was the relationship.

No nije bila, a ni veza nije bila savršena.

And if you want to get over them, you have to remind yourself of that,

Ako je želite preboljeti, morate se toga prisjetiti,

frequently.

često.

None of us is immune to heartbreak.

Nitko od nas nije imun na slomljeno srce.

My patient Miguel was a 56-year-old senior executive in a software company.

Moj pacijent Miguel bio je 56-ogodišnji direktor u softverskoj tvrtci.

Five years after his wife died,

Pet godina nakon što mu je žena umrla,

he finally felt ready to start dating again.

ponovno je bio spreman početi izlaziti.

He soon met Sharon,

Uskoro je upoznao Sharon,

and a whirlwind romance ensued.

i uslijedila je burna romansa.

They introduced each other to their adult children after one month,

Nakon mjesec dana upoznali su djecu svog partnera,

and they moved in together after two.

a počeli su živjeti skupa nakon 2 mjeseca.

When middle-aged people date, they don't mess around.

Kada srednjovječni ljudi izlaze, shvaćaju to ozbiljno.

It's like "Love, Actually" meets "The Fast and the Furious."

Kao spoj filmova "Zapravo ljubav" i "Brzi i žestoki".

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Miguel was happier than he had been in years.

Miguel godinama nije bio toliko sretan.

But the night before their first anniversary,

No noć prije njihove prve godišnjice,

Sharon left him.

Sharon ga je ostavila.

She had decided to move to the West Coast to be closer to her children,

Odlučila se preseliti na Zapadnu obalu kako bi bila bliže svojoj djeci

and she didn't want a long-distance relationship.

i nije htjela vezu na daljinu.

Miguel was totally blindsided and utterly devastated.

Miguel je bio potpuno iznenađen i shrvan.

He barely functioned at work for many, many months,

Mjesecima je jedva obavljao svoj posao

and he almost lost his job as a result.

i zbog toga skoro izgubio posao.

Another consequence of heartbreak is that feeling alone and in pain

Još jedna posljedica slomljenog srca je što osjećaj boli i usamljenosti

can significantly impair our intellectual functioning,

može značajno pokvariti naše intelektualno funkcioniranje,

especially when performing complex tasks involving logic and reasoning.

pogotovo kada obavljamo teške zadatke koji zahtijevaju logiku i razmišljanje.

It temporarily lowers our IQ.

Privremeno smanji naš IQ.

But it wasn't just the intensity of Miguel's grief

No nije samo jačina Miguelove tuge

that confused his employers;

zbunila njegove poslodavce,

it was the duration.

već i razdoblje trajanja.

Miguel was confused by this as well

Miguel je isto bio zbunjen

and really quite embarrassed by it.

i dosta posramljen zbog toga.

"What's wrong with me?" he asked me in our session.

"Što ne valja sa mnom?", pitao me tijekom terapije.

"What adult spends almost a year getting over a one-year relationship?"

"Kakva odrasla osoba treba skoro godinu dana da preboli jednogodišnju vezu?"

Actually, many do.

Zapravo, mnogo njih.

Heartbreak shares all the hallmarks of traditional loss and grief:

Slomljeno srce ima iste značajke kao i normalna tuga i gubitak:

insomnia, intrusive thoughts,

nesanica, ometajuće misli,

immune system dysfunction.

smanjeni imunitet.

Forty percent of people experience clinically measurable depression.

Četrdeset posto ljudi pati od klinički mjerljive depresije.

Heartbreak is a complex psychological injury.

Slomljeno srce teška je psihološka ozlijeda.

It impacts us in a multitude of ways.

Na mnoge načine utječe na nas.

For example, Sharon was both very social

Primjerice, Sharon je bila veoma društvena

and very active.

i veoma aktivna.

She had dinners at the house every week.

Svakog tjedna organizirala bi večernje zabave.

She and Miguel went on camping trips with other couples.

Ona i Miguel išli su na kampiranja s drugim parovima.

Although Miguel was not religious,

Iako Miguel nije bio religiozan,

he accompanied Sharon to church every Sunday,

išao je sa Sharon svake nedjelje u crkvu

where he was welcomed into the congregation.

gdje ga je cijela zajednica prihvatila.

Miguel didn't just lose his girlfriend;

Miguel nije samo izgubio svoju djevojku,

he lost his entire social life,

izgubio je svoj društveni život,

the supportive community of Sharon's church.

podršku zajednice u Sharoninoj crkvi.

He lost his identity as a couple.

Izgubio je svoj identitet kao para.

Now, Miguel recognized the breakup had left this huge void in his life,

Miguel je shvatio da je prekid ostavio veliku prazninu u njegovom životu,

but what he failed to recognize

ali nije shvatio da je ostavio

is that it left far more than just one.

puno više od jedne praznine.

And that is crucial,

I to je jako važno,

not just because it explains why heartbreak could be so devastating,

ne samo jer objašnjava zašto je slomljeno srce tako pogubno,

but because it tells us how to heal.

nego zato jer vam kaže kako da se oporavite.

To fix your broken heart,

Kako biste izliječili slomljeno srce,

you have to identify these voids in your life and fill them,

morate pronaći te praznine u vašem životu i ispuniti ih

and I mean all of them.

i mislim na baš sve praznine.

The voids in your identity:

Praznine u vašem identitetu:

you have to reestablish who you are and what your life is about.

morate ponovno odrediti tko ste i što radite u životu.

The voids in your social life,

Praznine u vašem društvenom životu,

the missing activities, even the empty spaces on the wall

aktivnosti kojih više nema, čak i prazan dio zida

where pictures used to hang.

gdje su prije visjele slike.

But none of that will do any good

No ništa od toga vam neće pomoći

unless you prevent the mistakes that can set you back,

ako ne spriječite pogreške koje vas vraćaju unatrag,

the unnecessary searches for explanations,

bespotrebna potraga za objašnjenjima,

idealizing your ex instead of focusing on how they were wrong for you,

idealiziranje bivšeg umjesto da se sjetite koliko nisu bili dobri za vas,

indulging thoughts and behaviors that still give them a starring role

misli i ponašanja koja im daju glavnu ulogu

in this next chapter of your life

u sljedećem poglavlju vašeg života

when they shouldn't be an extra.

kada ne bi trebali ni biti tamo.

Getting over heartbreak is hard,

Preboljeti slomljeno srce je teško,

but if you refuse to be misled by your mind and you take steps to heal,

no ako ne dopustite svom umu da vas omete i poduzmete korake prema oporavku,

you can significantly minimize your suffering.

možete značajno smanjiti svoju patnju.

And it won't just be you who benefit from that.

I nećete samo vi imati koristi od toga.

You'll be more present with your friends,

Biti ćete pristupačniji svojim prijateljima,

more engaged with your family,

povezaniji s obitelji,

not to mention the billions of dollars of compromised productivity

da ne spominjemo štetu od milijardu dolara na poslu zbog smanjene

in the workplace that could be avoided.

produktivnosti koja se može izbjeći.

So if you know someone who is heartbroken,

Dakle, ako poznajete nekoga sa slomljenim srcem,

have compassion,

budite suosjećajni

because social support has been found to be important for their recovery.

jer pokazalo se da je podrška društva veoma važna za njihov oporavak.

And have patience,

I budite strpljivi

because it's going to take them longer to move on than you think it should.

jer će im trebati duže da se oporave nego što mislite.

And if you're hurting,

Ako vi patite,

know this:

znajte ovo:

it's difficult, it is a battle within your own mind,

teško je, to je borba koja se vodi u vašem umu

and you have to be diligent to win.

i morate biti marljivi kako biste pobijedili.

But you do have weapons.

No naoružani ste.

You can fight.

Možete se boriti.

And you will heal.

I oporavit ćete se.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)