How to fix a broken heart | Guy Winch | TED

Translator: Kamilla Christiansen Reviewer: Yuan Fun Kan

At some point in our lives,

I løbet af vores liv

almost every one of us will have our heart broken.

vil vi næsten alle opleve at få hjertet knust.

My patient Kathy planned her wedding when she was in middle school.

Min patient, Kathy, planlagde sit bryllup, da hun stadig gik i folkeskole.

She would meet her future husband

Hun ville møde sin kommende mand,

by age 27,

når hun var 27 år gammel,

get engaged a year later

blive forlovet et år senere

and get married a year after that.

og blive gift et år efter.

But when Kathy turned 27, she didn't find a husband.

Men da Kathy fyldte 27, fandt hun ikke en mand.

She found a lump in her breast.

Hun fandt en knude i sit bryst.

She went through many months of harsh chemotherapy

Hun fik hård kemoterapi gennem mange måneder

and painful surgeries,

og smertefulde operationer,

and then just as she was ready to jump back into the dating world,

og da hun endelig var klar til at date igen,

she found a lump in her other breast

fandt hun en knude i sit andet bryst

and had to do it all over again.

og måtte starte forfra igen.

Kathy recovered, though,

Kathy kom sig dog –

and she was eager to resume her search for a husband

og hun var ivrig efter at genoptage sin søgen,

as soon as her eyebrows grew back in.

så snart hendes øjenbryn voksede frem igen.

When you're going on first dates in New York City,

På første date i New York,

you need to be able to express a wide range of emotions.

må du kunne udtrykke en bred vifte af følelser.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

Soon afterwards, she met Rich and fell in love.

Snart derefter mødte hun Rich og blev forelsket.

The relationship was everything she hoped it would be.

Forholdet var alt det hun håbede det ville være.

Six months later,

Seks måneder senere,

after a lovely weekend in New England,

efter en dejlig weekend i New England,

Rich made reservations at their favorite romantic restaurant.

reserverede Rich et bord på deres romantiske yndlingsrestaurant.

Kathy knew he was going to propose,

Kathy vidste, at han ville fri til hende,

and she could barely contain her excitement.

og hun kunne knapt skjule sin begejstring.

But Rich did not propose to Kathy that night.

Men Rich friede ikke til Kathy den aften.

He broke up with her.

Han slog op med hende.

As deeply as he cared for Kathy -- and he did --

Skønt han holdt meget af Kathy, og det gjorde han,

he simply wasn't in love.

var han bare ikke forelsket.

Kathy was shattered.

Kathy var ødelagt.

Her heart was truly broken, and she now faced yet another recovery.

Hendes hjerte var knust og nu måtte hun atter hele.

But five months after the breakup,

Men fem måneder efter bruddet

Kathy still couldn't stop thinking about Rich.

kunne Kathy stadig ikke holde op med at tænke på Rich.

Her heart was still very much broken.

Hendes hjerte var stadig helt knust.

The question is:

Spørgsmålet er:

Why?

Hvorfor?

Why was this incredibly strong and determined woman

Hvorfor var denne stærke og målrettede kvinde

unable to marshal the same emotional resources

ikke i stand til at udnytte de samme emotionelle ressourcer,

that got her through four years of cancer treatments?

som fik hende gennem fire års kræftbehandling?

Why do so many of us flounder

Hvorfor kæmper så mange af os

when we're trying to recover from heartbreak?

med at komme over et knust hjerte?

Why do the same coping mechanisms

Hvorfor virker de samme mekanismer,

that get us through all kinds of life challenges

der gør os i stand til at overkomme alle mulige udfordringer,

fail us so miserably when our heart gets broken?

ikke når vi får vores hjerte knust?

In over 20 years of private practice,

I over 20 år som behandler,

I have seen people of every age and background

har jeg set mennesker i alle aldre og med forskellige baggrunde,

face every manner of heartbreak,

møde alle former for hjertesorg,

and what I've learned is this:

og dette er hvad, jeg har lært:

when your heart is broken,

Når dit hjerte bliver knust,

the same instincts you ordinarily rely on

vil de instinkter, du normalt stoler på,

will time and again lead you down the wrong path.

igen og igen lede dig i den forkerte retning.

You simply cannot trust what your mind is telling you.

Du kan simpelthen ikke regne med det dit sind fortæller dig.

For example, we know from studies of heartbroken people

For eksempel ved vi fra studier af personer med hjertesorg,

that having a clear understanding of why the relationship ended

at en klar forståelse af årsagen til bruddet,

is really important for our ability to move on.

er utroligt vigtigt for at kunne komme videre

Yet time and again,

Men alligevel,

when we are offered a simple and honest explanation

når vi får en enkel og ærlig forklaring,

like the one Rich offered Kathy,

som den Rich gav Kathy,

we reject it.

afviser vi den.

Heartbreak creates such dramatic emotional pain,

Hjertesorg skaber så dramatisk en følelsesmæssig smerte,

our mind tells us the cause must be equally dramatic.

at årsagen simpelthen bare må være lige så dramatisk.

And that gut instinct is so powerful,

Og den mavefornemmelse er så stærk,

it can make even the most reasonable and measured of us

at den kan få selv de mest fornuftige og afbalancerede af os

come up with mysteries and conspiracy theories

til at opfinde mysterier og konspirationsteorier,

where none exist.

hvor de slet ikke findes.

Kathy became convinced something must have happened

Kathy blev overbevist om, at noget måtte være sket

during her romantic getaway with Rich

på hendes romantiske weekend med Rich,

that soured him on the relationship,

som gjorde ham træt af forholdet,

and she became obsessed with figuring out what that was.

og blev besat af at finde ud af, hvad det var.

And so she spent countless hours

Derfor brugte hun utallige timer på

going through every minute of that weekend in her mind,

at gennemgå hvert eneste minut af weekenden i sit hoved,

searching her memory for clues that were not there.

og søgte ledetråde i sin hukommelse, som ikke var der.

Kathy's mind tricked her into initiating this wild goose chase.

Kathys sind narrede hende til at starte en meningsløs jagt.

But what compelled her to commit to it for so many months?

Men hvad drev hende til at fortsætte i månedsvis?

Heartbreak is far more insidious than we realize.

Hjertesorg bedrager langt mere end vi tror.

There is a reason we keep going down one rabbit hole after another,

Der er en grund til, at vi bliver ved med at gøre nyttesløse ting,

even when we know it's going to make us feel worse.

selvom vi ved, at de vil få os til at få det endnu værre.

Brain studies have shown

Studier af hjernen har vist,

that the withdrawal of romantic love

at når en romantisk kærlighed forsvinder,

activates the same mechanisms in our brain that get activated

aktiveres de samme mekanismer i hjernen, som aktiveres,

when addicts are withdrawing from substances like cocaine or opioids.

når en misbruger går på afvænning fra stoffer som kokain og opiater.

Kathy was going through withdrawal.

Kathy var på afvænning.

And since she could not have the heroin of actually being with Rich,

Og da hun ikke kunne få stoffet at være sammen med Rich,

her unconscious mind chose the methadone of her memories with him.

valgte hun ubevidst et metadon: hendes minder med ham.

Her instincts told her she was trying to solve a mystery,

Instinkterne bildte hende ind at hun opklarede et mysterie,

but what she was actually doing

men faktisk var hun igang med,

was getting her fix.

at få sit fix.

This is what makes heartbreak so difficult to heal.

Det er det, der gør et knust hjerte så svært at hele.

Addicts know they're addicted.

Stofmisbrugere ved, når de er afhængige.

They know when they're shooting up.

De ved, hvornår de tager et fix.

But heartbroken people do not.

Men det gør folk med hjertesorg ikke.

But you do now.

Men det ved du nu.

And if your heart is broken, you cannot ignore that.

Og hvis dit hjerte er knust, kan du ikke ignorere det.

You have to recognize that, as compelling as the urge is,

Du er nødt til at indse, uanset hvor fristende det er,

with every trip down memory lane, every text you send,

at ethvert tilbageblik, hver sms du sender,

every second you spend stalking your ex on social media,

hvert minut du bruger på at følge din eks på sociale medier,

you are just feeding your addiction,

er med til at styrke din afhængighed

deepening your emotional pain

og forstærke de smertefulde følelser,

and complicating your recovery.

som gør det sværere at komme sig.

Getting over heartbreak is not a journey.

At komme over hjertesorg er ikke en rejse.

It's a fight, and your reason is your strongest weapon.

Det er en kamp og din fornuft er dit stærkeste våben.

There is no breakup explanation that's going to feel satisfying.

Ingen forklaring på bruddet vil føles tilfredsstillende.

No rationale can take away the pain you feel.

Ingen rationel årsag vil kunne fjerne smerten, du føler.

So don't search for one, don't wait for one,

Så led ikke efter en, vent ikke på en,

just accept the one you were offered or make up one yourself

accepter bare den du fik, eller find på din egen

and then put the question to rest,

og lad det ligge,

because you need that closure to resist the addiction.

for du har brug for afslutning for at modstå afhængigheden.

And you need something else as well:

Og du behøver også noget andet:

you have to be willing to let go,

Viljen til at give slip,

to accept that it's over.

at acceptere at det er slut.

Otherwise, your mind will feed on your hope

Ellers vil dit sind leve på håb

and set you back.

og holde dig tilbage.

Hope can be incredibly destructive when your heart is broken.

Håb kan være enormt destruktivt, når dit hjerte er knust.

Heartbreak is a master manipulator.

Hjertesorg er en mestermanipulator.

The ease with which it gets our mind to do the absolute opposite

Den lethed hvormed den påvirker os i modsat retning,

of what we need in order to recover

væk fra det vi trænger til,

is remarkable.

er påfaldende.

One of the most common tendencies we have when our heart is broken

Noget af det vi oftest gør når hjertet er knust,

is to idealize the person who broke it.

er at idealisere personen, som knuste det.

We spend hours remembering their smile,

Vi tænker i timevis på, hvordan de smiler,

how great they made us feel,

hvor godt de fik os til at føle os,

that time we hiked up the mountain and made love under the stars.

den gang, vi vandrede op ad bjerget og elskede under stjernerne.

All that does is make our loss feel more painful.

Det gør kun tabet mere smertefuldt.

We know that.

Vi ved det godt.

Yet we still allow our mind to cycle through one greatest hit after another,

Men alligevel lader vi tankerne kredse om det ene hit efter det andet,

like we were being held hostage by our own passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.

som gidsel af vores egen passivt-aggressive playliste på Spotify.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

Heartbreak will make those thoughts pop into your mind.

Hjertesorg vil få de tanker til at dukke op i dit hoved.

And so to avoid idealizing, you have to balance them out

Så for at undgå idealisering, må du vende balancen

by remembering their frown, not just their smile,

ved at huske deres panderynken, ikke bare deres smil,

how bad they made you feel,

hvor dårligt de fik dig til at føle dig,

the fact that after the lovemaking, you got lost coming down the mountain,

og det faktum, at I efter elskoven farede vild på vej ned ad bjerget,

argued like crazy and didn't speak for two days.

skændtes voldsomt og ikke talte sammen i to dage.

What I tell my patients is to compile an exhaustive list

Jeg siger til mine patienter, at de skal lave en komplet liste

of all the ways the person was wrong for you,

over alt, der gjorde denne person forkert,

all the bad qualities, all the pet peeves,

alle de dårlige kvaliteter, alle irritationsmomenter,

and then keep it on your phone.

og gemme den på deres telefon.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

And once you have your list,

Og når du har din liste,

you have to use it.

må du også bruge den.

When I hear even a hint of idealizing

Ved det mindste hint af idealisering,

or the faintest whiff of nostalgia in a session,

eller det mindste tegn på nostalgi under samtalen,

I go, "Phone, please."

siger jeg, "Telefon, tak."

(Laughter)

(Latter)

Your mind will try to tell you they were perfect.

Dit sind vil prøve at sige dig, at de var perfekte.

But they were not, and neither was the relationship.

Men det var de ikke, og det var forholdet heller ikke.

And if you want to get over them, you have to remind yourself of that,

Og hvis du vil komme over dem, må du minde dig selv om det,

frequently.

ofte.

None of us is immune to heartbreak.

Ingen af os er immune for hjertesorg.

My patient Miguel was a 56-year-old senior executive in a software company.

Min patient, Miguel, var en 56-årig senior leder i et software-firma.

Five years after his wife died,

Fem år efter hans kone døde

he finally felt ready to start dating again.

følte han sig endelig klar til at date igen.

He soon met Sharon,

Snart mødte han Sharon

and a whirlwind romance ensued.

og en vild romance fulgte.

They introduced each other to their adult children after one month,

De præsenterede hinanden for deres voksne børn efter en måned

and they moved in together after two.

og flyttede sammen efter to.

When middle-aged people date, they don't mess around.

Når midaldrende folk dater, er der ingen tid at miste.

It's like "Love, Actually" meets "The Fast and the Furious."

Det er som en mix af "Love, Actually" og "The Fast and the Furious".

(Laughter)

(Latter)

Miguel was happier than he had been in years.

Miguel var lykkeligere, end han havde været i årevis.

But the night before their first anniversary,

Men aftenen inden deres første årsdag

Sharon left him.

forlod Sharon ham.

She had decided to move to the West Coast to be closer to her children,

Hun havde besluttet at flytte vestpå for at være nærmere sine børn,

and she didn't want a long-distance relationship.

og hun ville ikke have et langdistance-forhold.

Miguel was totally blindsided and utterly devastated.

Miguel var helt overrumplet og fuldstændig knust.

He barely functioned at work for many, many months,

Han kunne knapt fungere på jobbet i mange, mange måneder,

and he almost lost his job as a result.

og mistede næsten sit arbejde som resultat.

Another consequence of heartbreak is that feeling alone and in pain

En anden konsekvens af hjertesorg er, at ensomheden og smerten

can significantly impair our intellectual functioning,

kan nedsætte vores intellektuelle funktioner ret drastisk,

especially when performing complex tasks involving logic and reasoning.

særligt under komplekse opgaver, der kræver logik og fornuft.

It temporarily lowers our IQ.

Det mindsker midlertidigt vores IQ.

But it wasn't just the intensity of Miguel's grief

Men det var ikke kun intensiteten af Miguels smerte,

that confused his employers;

der forvirrede hans chefer;

it was the duration.

det var dens varighed.

Miguel was confused by this as well

Det forvirrede også Miguel

and really quite embarrassed by it.

og gjorde ham flov.

"What's wrong with me?" he asked me in our session.

"Hvad er der galt med mig?" spurgte han under en samtale.

"What adult spends almost a year getting over a one-year relationship?"

"Hvilken voksen person bruger næsten et år på at komme over et forhold på et år?"

Actually, many do.

Det gør mange faktisk.

Heartbreak shares all the hallmarks of traditional loss and grief:

Hjertesorg deler samme kendetegn som traditionel sorg og tab:

insomnia, intrusive thoughts,

Søvnløshed, plagende tanker,

immune system dysfunction.

problemer med immunforsvaret.

Forty percent of people experience clinically measurable depression.

40% af de ramte, oplever depression af klinisk diagnostiserbar grad.

Heartbreak is a complex psychological injury.

Hjertesorg er en kompleks psykologisk skade.

It impacts us in a multitude of ways.

Det påvirker os på en masse måder.

For example, Sharon was both very social

For eksempel var Sharon både meget social

and very active.

og meget aktiv.

She had dinners at the house every week.

Hun holdt middag i huset hver uge.

She and Miguel went on camping trips with other couples.

Hun og Miguel tog på campingture med andre par.

Although Miguel was not religious,

Selvom Miguel ikke var religiøs,

he accompanied Sharon to church every Sunday,

tog han med Sharon i kirke hver søndag,

where he was welcomed into the congregation.

hvor han blev budt ind i fællesskabet.

Miguel didn't just lose his girlfriend;

Miguel mistede ikke bare en kæreste,

he lost his entire social life,

han mistede hele sit sociale liv,

the supportive community of Sharon's church.

det støttende fællesskab i Sharons kirke.

He lost his identity as a couple.

Han mistede sin identitet som par.

Now, Miguel recognized the breakup had left this huge void in his life,

Nu indså Miguel, at bruddet havde efterladt et gabende hul i hans liv,

but what he failed to recognize

men han indså ikke,

is that it left far more than just one.

at det havde efterladt mere end bare et.

And that is crucial,

Og det er vigtigt,

not just because it explains why heartbreak could be so devastating,

ikke bare fordi det forklarer, hvorfor hjertesorg kan være så ødelæggende,

but because it tells us how to heal.

men fordi det viser os, hvordan vi kan hele.

To fix your broken heart,

For at hele dit knuste hjerte

you have to identify these voids in your life and fill them,

må du identificere disse huller i dit liv og fylde dem,

and I mean all of them.

og jeg mener dem alle.

The voids in your identity:

Hullerne i din identitet.

you have to reestablish who you are and what your life is about.

Du må finde ud af, hvem du er og hvad dit liv handler om.

The voids in your social life,

Hullerne i dit sociale liv,

the missing activities, even the empty spaces on the wall

de manglende aktiviteter, selv de tomme huller på væggene,

where pictures used to hang.

hvor der engang hang billeder.

But none of that will do any good

Men intet af det vil gavne dig,

unless you prevent the mistakes that can set you back,

hvis du ikke undgår fejlene, der sætter dig tilbage:

the unnecessary searches for explanations,

den unødvendige søgen på forklaringer,

idealizing your ex instead of focusing on how they were wrong for you,

idealisering frem for fokus på alt det forkerte vedkommende gjorde,

indulging thoughts and behaviors that still give them a starring role

tanker og opførsel, der giver denne person en hovedrolle

in this next chapter of your life

i næste del af dit liv,

when they shouldn't be an extra.

skønt de end ikke bør have biroller.

Getting over heartbreak is hard,

At komme sig over hjertesorg er svært,

but if you refuse to be misled by your mind and you take steps to heal,

men hvis nægter at lade dig forlede og går i den rigtige retning,

you can significantly minimize your suffering.

kan du mindske din lidelse væsentligt.

And it won't just be you who benefit from that.

Og det er ikke kun dig, det vil komme til gavn.

You'll be more present with your friends,

Du vil være mere tilstedeværende med venner,

more engaged with your family,

mere engageret i din familie.

not to mention the billions of dollars of compromised productivity

For ikke at nævne de millioner i nedsat produktivitet,

in the workplace that could be avoided.

som kan spares på arbejdspladsen.

So if you know someone who is heartbroken,

Kender du nogen med et knust hjerte,

have compassion,

så vis medfølelse,

because social support has been found to be important for their recovery.

for social støtte viser sig at være vigtig for at komme sig.

And have patience,

Og hav tålmodighed

because it's going to take them longer to move on than you think it should.

for det kommer til at tage længere tid for dem, end du synes, det burde.

And if you're hurting,

Og hvis du har ondt,

know this:

så husk dette:

it's difficult, it is a battle within your own mind,

Det er svært. Det er en kamp i dit sind

and you have to be diligent to win.

og du må være vedholdende for at vinde.

But you do have weapons.

Men du har våben.

You can fight.

Du kan kæmpe.

And you will heal.

Og du vil hele.

Thank you.

Tak.

(Applause)

(Klapsalve)