How to fix a broken heart | Guy Winch | TED

Translator: Rok Vidmar Reviewer: Matej Divjak

At some point in our lives,

Enkrat v svojem življenju

almost every one of us will have our heart broken.

bo skoraj vsak od nas imel strto srce.

My patient Kathy planned her wedding when she was in middle school.

Moja bolnica Kathy je načrtovala poroko,

ko je bila v srednji šoli.

She would meet her future husband

Svojega bodočega moža

by age 27,

bo spoznala do 27 leta,

get engaged a year later

se zaročila leto kasneje

and get married a year after that.

in se poročila leto dni po tem.

But when Kathy turned 27, she didn't find a husband.

Toda pri 27 Kathy ni našla moža.

She found a lump in her breast.

Našla je tumor v prsih.

She went through many months of harsh chemotherapy

Šla je skozi mesece krutih kemoterapij

and painful surgeries,

in bolečih operacij, in potem,

and then just as she was ready to jump back into the dating world,

ko je bila pripravljena spet iskati moža,

she found a lump in her other breast

je našla tumor v drugi dojki

and had to do it all over again.

in je morala skozi vse še enkrat.

Kathy recovered, though,

Kathy si je opomogla

and she was eager to resume her search for a husband

in je nameravala nadaljevati iskanje moža

as soon as her eyebrows grew back in.

takoj, ko bi ji obrvi zrasle nazaj.

When you're going on first dates in New York City,

Ko greš na prve zmenke v New Yorku,

you need to be able to express a wide range of emotions.

moraš biti sposoben izraziti široko paleto čustev.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Soon afterwards, she met Rich and fell in love.

Kmalu zatem je spoznala Richa in se zaljubila.

The relationship was everything she hoped it would be.

Razmerje je bilo tako, kot si ga je želela.

Six months later,

Šest mesecev kasneje,

after a lovely weekend in New England,

po lepem vikendu v Novi Angliji,

Rich made reservations at their favorite romantic restaurant.

je Rich rezerviral mizo

v najljubši romantični restavraciji.

Kathy knew he was going to propose,

Kathy vedela, da jo bo zaprosil

and she could barely contain her excitement.

in je komaj krotila svoje vznemirjenje.

But Rich did not propose to Kathy that night.

Ampak tisto noč Rich ni zaprosil Kathy.

He broke up with her.

Razšel se je z njo.

As deeply as he cared for Kathy -- and he did --

Čeprav je imel Kathy zelo rad

- in jo je zares imel -

he simply wasn't in love.

je preprosto ni ljubil.

Kathy was shattered.

Kathy je bila uničena.

Her heart was truly broken, and she now faced yet another recovery.

Njeno srce je bilo res strto

in zdaj jo čaka še eno okrevanje.

But five months after the breakup,

A pet mesecev po razhodu

Kathy still couldn't stop thinking about Rich.

Kathy še vedno ni mogla nehati misliti na Richa.

Her heart was still very much broken.

Njeno srce je bilo še vedno zelo razklano.

The question is:

Vprašanje je:

Why?

zakaj?

Why was this incredibly strong and determined woman

Zakaj ta neverjetno močna in odločna ženska

unable to marshal the same emotional resources

ni mogla uporabiti tistih čustvenih orodij,

that got her through four years of cancer treatments?

ki so ji pomagala v štirih letih zdravljenja raka?

Why do so many of us flounder

Zakaj tako mnogi od nas odpovemo,

when we're trying to recover from heartbreak?

ko se trudimo, da bi si opomogli od žalosti?

Why do the same coping mechanisms

Zakaj nas isti mehanizmi,

that get us through all kinds of life challenges

ki nas izvlečejo iz vseh vrst življenjskih izzivov,

fail us so miserably when our heart gets broken?

tako klavrno puste na cedilu, ko je naše srce strto?

In over 20 years of private practice,

V več kot 20 letih zasebne prakse

I have seen people of every age and background

sem videl ljudi vseh starosti in izvorov

face every manner of heartbreak,

soočene z vsemi oblikami žalosti

and what I've learned is this:

in tisto, kar sem se naučil, je to:

when your heart is broken,

če je tvoje srce strto,

the same instincts you ordinarily rely on

te bodo tisti nagoni, na katere se običajno zanašaš,

will time and again lead you down the wrong path.

vedno znova zapeljali na napačno pot.

You simply cannot trust what your mind is telling you.

Preprosto ne smeš zaupati svojemu umu.

For example, we know from studies of heartbroken people

Iz študij ljudi s strtim srcem vemo, na primer,

that having a clear understanding of why the relationship ended

da je jasno razumevanje tega, zakaj se je razmerje končalo,

is really important for our ability to move on.

zelo pomembno za to, da gremo lahko naprej.

Yet time and again,

Vendar, vedno znova,

ko dobimo preprosto in pošteno razlago,

when we are offered a simple and honest explanation

like the one Rich offered Kathy,

kot jo je Rich ponudil Kathy,

we reject it.

jo zavrnemo.

Heartbreak creates such dramatic emotional pain,

Strto srce naredi tako dramatično čustveno bolečino,

our mind tells us the cause must be equally dramatic.

nam naš um govori, da mora biti razlog prav tako dramatičen.

And that gut instinct is so powerful,

In ta instinkt je tako močan,

it can make even the most reasonable and measured of us

da si lahko tudi najbolj razumni in umirjeni

come up with mysteries and conspiracy theories

izmišljamo skrivnosti in teorije zarot,

where none exist.

ki jih ni.

Kathy je postala prepričana, da se je moralo nekaj zgoditi

Kathy became convinced something must have happened

during her romantic getaway with Rich

med romantičnim pobegom z Richem, kar je skisalo odnos,

that soured him on the relationship,

and she became obsessed with figuring out what that was.

in je postala obsedena z iskanjem, kaj bi to bilo.

And so she spent countless hours

In tako je preživela nešteto ur,

going through every minute of that weekend in her mind,

v mislih podoživljala vsako minuto tega vikenda

searching her memory for clues that were not there.

in brskala po spominu za namigi, ki jih tam ni bilo.

Kathy's mind tricked her into initiating this wild goose chase.

Kathy je prevaral um, da je začela ta jalov lov.

But what compelled her to commit to it for so many months?

Le zakaj se mu je posvetila toliko mesecev?

Heartbreak is far more insidious than we realize.

Strto srce je veliko bolj zahrbtno, kot se zavedamo.

There is a reason we keep going down one rabbit hole after another,

Obstaja razlog,

da hodimo iz ene slepe ulice v drugo,

čeprav vemo, da bo zaradi tega počutje le slabše.

even when we know it's going to make us feel worse.

Brain studies have shown

Raziskave možganov so pokazale,

that the withdrawal of romantic love

da konec romantične ljubezni

activates the same mechanisms in our brain that get activated

sproži enake mehanizme, kot se sprožijo,

when addicts are withdrawing from substances like cocaine or opioids.

ko se odvisniki odvajajo snovi,

kot so kokain ali opioidi.

Kathy was going through withdrawal.

Kathy je šla skozi odvajanje.

And since she could not have the heroin of actually being with Rich,

In ker ni mogla imeti heroina

- biti z Richem,

her unconscious mind chose the methadone of her memories with him.

ji je podzavest dala metadon

- spomine nanj.

Instinkti so ji govorili, da poskuša rešiti skrivnost,

Her instincts told her she was trying to solve a mystery,

a v resnici se je drogirala.

but what she was actually doing

was getting her fix.

This is what makes heartbreak so difficult to heal.

Zato je strto srce tako težko zdraviti.

Addicts know they're addicted.

Odvisniki vedo, da so zasvojeni.

They know when they're shooting up.

Vedo, kdaj vzamejo mamilo.

But heartbroken people do not.

Toda ne ljudje s strtim srcem.

But you do now.

Ampak zdaj veš.

And if your heart is broken, you cannot ignore that.

In če je tvoje srce strto, tega ne smeš prezreti.

You have to recognize that, as compelling as the urge is,

Moraš razumeti, pa naj bo želja še tako močna,

with every trip down memory lane, every text you send,

da z vsakim potovanjem po poti spomina, z vsakim sporočilom, ki ga pošlješ,

every second you spend stalking your ex on social media,

z vsako sekundo, ko zalezuješ bivšega partnerja na družabnih medijih,

you are just feeding your addiction,

samo napajaš zasvojenost,

deepening your emotional pain

poglabljaš svojo čustveno bolečino

and complicating your recovery.

in otežuješ svoje ozdravljenje.

Getting over heartbreak is not a journey.

Premagovanje žalosti ni pot.

It's a fight, and your reason is your strongest weapon.

Je boj, in tvoj razum je tvoje najmočnejše orožje.

There is no breakup explanation that's going to feel satisfying.

Nobena razlaga razhoda te ne bo zadovoljila.

No rationale can take away the pain you feel.

Nobeno razmišljanje ti ne more odvzeti bolečine.

So don't search for one, don't wait for one,

Torej ne išči, ne čakaj,

just accept the one you were offered or make up one yourself

samo sprejmi ponujeno razlago, ali pa si jo naredi sam,

and then put the question to rest,

nato pa se ne sprašuj več,

because you need that closure to resist the addiction.

kajti, da se upreš odvisnosti, moraš nehati.

And you need something else as well:

Pa še nekaj drugega potrebuješ:

you have to be willing to let go,

moraš biti pripravljen odnehati

to accept that it's over.

in se sprijazniti s tem, da je konec.

Otherwise, your mind will feed on your hope

Sicer se bo tvoj um napajal z upanjem

and set you back.

in te potegnil nazaj.

Hope can be incredibly destructive when your heart is broken.

Ko imaš strto srce, je upanje lahko zelo uničujoče.

Heartbreak is a master manipulator.

Strto srce je mojster manipulator.

The ease with which it gets our mind to do the absolute opposite

Lahkota, s katero pripravi naš um, da dela ravno nasprotno od tistega,

of what we need in order to recover

kar bi bilo potrebno, da si opomoremo, je nepopisna.

is remarkable.

One of the most common tendencies we have when our heart is broken

Ena od najbolj pogostih teženj, ki jih imamo, ko imamo strto srce,

is to idealize the person who broke it.

je idealizirati osebo, ki je to povzročila.

We spend hours remembering their smile,

Ure porabimo, da se spominjamo nasmehov,

how great they made us feel,

kako dobro smo se počutili ob njih,

that time we hiked up the mountain and made love under the stars.

tistega dne, ko sva šla na goro in se ljubila pod zvezdami.

All that does is make our loss feel more painful.

Vse to pa naredi našo izgubo še bolj bolečo.

We know that.

To vemo.

Yet we still allow our mind to cycle through one greatest hit after another,

Pa vseeno dopuščamo, da naš um skače

z enega lepega spomina na drugega,

like we were being held hostage by our own passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.

kot da smo talec lastne pasivno-agresivne veseloigre.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Heartbreak will make those thoughts pop into your mind.

Strto srce bo te misli sejalo v tvojo glavo.

Da se izogneš idealiziranju,

And so to avoid idealizing, you have to balance them out

jih moraš uravnotežiti,

by remembering their frown, not just their smile,

se spominjati tudi mrščenja, ne le nasmeha,

how bad they made you feel,

slabega počutja ob tem,

the fact that after the lovemaking, you got lost coming down the mountain,

dejstva, da sta se po ljubljenju na gori na poti nazaj izgubila,

argued like crazy and didn't speak for two days.

se tako noro sprla, da nista govorila dva dni.

What I tell my patients is to compile an exhaustive list

Svojim bolnikom naročim,

naj sestavijo izčrpen seznam vsega,

of all the ways the person was wrong for you,

kar je bilo narobe,

all the bad qualities, all the pet peeves,

vse slabe lastnosti, vse zoprnije,

and then keep it on your phone.

in to shranijo na telefon.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And once you have your list,

In ko imaš seznam,

you have to use it.

ga moraš uporabiti.

When I hear even a hint of idealizing

Ko zaslišim le senco idealiziranja

or the faintest whiff of nostalgia in a session,

ali najmanjši pridih hrepenenja v seji,

I go, "Phone, please."

rečem: “Telefon, prosim."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Your mind will try to tell you they were perfect.

Um ti bo poskušal povedati, da je bil bivši popoln.

But they were not, and neither was the relationship.

Ampak ni bil, in tudi razmerje ne.

And if you want to get over them, you have to remind yourself of that,

In če želiš preboleti, se boš moral na to opominjati,

frequently.

in to pogosto.

None of us is immune to heartbreak.

Nihče od nas ni imun na žalost.

My patient Miguel was a 56-year-old senior executive in a software company.

Moj pacient Miguel je bil 56 letni

višji izvršni direktor v programerskem podjetju.

Five years after his wife died,

Pet let po smrti žene

he finally felt ready to start dating again.

je bil le nared, da si poišče novo zvezo.

He soon met Sharon,

Kmalu je spoznal Sharon

and a whirlwind romance ensued.

in sledila je viharna romanca.

They introduced each other to their adult children after one month,

Predstavila sta drug drugega svojim odraslim otrokom po enem mesecu

and they moved in together after two.

in se po drugem preselila skupaj.

When middle-aged people date, they don't mess around.

Ko se ljudje srednjih let vnamejo, ne izgubljajo prav nič časa.

It's like "Love, Actually" meets "The Fast and the Furious."

Je, kot da bi "Pravzaprav ljubezen" srečala "Hitre in drzne."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Miguel was happier than he had been in years.

Miguel je bil srečen, kot že leta ne.

But the night before their first anniversary,

Toda na noč pred prvo obletnico

Sharon left him.

ga je Sharon zapustila.

She had decided to move to the West Coast to be closer to her children,

Odločila se je, da se bo preselila na zahodno obalo, bližje svojim otrokom

in ni hotela razmerja na daleč.

and she didn't want a long-distance relationship.

Miguel was totally blindsided and utterly devastated.

Miguel je bil popolnoma presenečen

in popolnoma uničen.

He barely functioned at work for many, many months,

Dolge mesece je delal le z največjo težavo

and he almost lost his job as a result.

in bi zato skoraj izgubil službo.

Another consequence of heartbreak is that feeling alone and in pain

Druga posledica žalosti je,

da osamljenost in bolečina lahko bistveno zmanjšata našo razumsko delovanje,

can significantly impair our intellectual functioning,

especially when performing complex tasks involving logic and reasoning.

predvsem pri opravljanju zahtevnih nalog, ki vključujejo logiko in razmišljanje.

It temporarily lowers our IQ.

Začasno se zniža naš inteligenčni kvocient.

But it wasn't just the intensity of Miguel's grief

Ni bila le silovitost Miguelove žalosti,

that confused his employers;

kar je zmedlo njegove delodajalce;

it was the duration.

bilo je trajanje.

Miguel was confused by this as well

Tudi Miguel je bil zbegan zaradi tega

and really quite embarrassed by it.

in res mu je bilo precej nerodno.

"What's wrong with me?" he asked me in our session.

"Kaj je narobe z mano?" me je vprašal na seji.

"What adult spends almost a year getting over a one-year relationship?"

"Kateri odrasel človek porabi skoraj eno leto, da preboli enoletno razmerje?"

Actually, many do.

V resnici je takih veliko.

Heartbreak shares all the hallmarks of traditional loss and grief:

Strto srce ima vse značilnosti tradicionalne izgube in žalosti:

insomnia, intrusive thoughts,

nespečnost, vsiljive misli,

immune system dysfunction.

slabo delovanje imunskega sistema.

Forty percent of people experience clinically measurable depression.

Štirideset odstotkov ljudi doživi klinično merljivo depresijo.

Heartbreak is a complex psychological injury.

Strto srce je zapletena psihološka poškodba.

It impacts us in a multitude of ways.

Prizadene nas na številne načine.

For example, Sharon was both very social

Na primer, Sharon je bila zelo družabna

and very active.

in zelo aktivna.

She had dinners at the house every week.

Vsak teden je doma gostila večerje.

She and Miguel went on camping trips with other couples.

Z Miguelom sta hodila na šotorjenje z drugimi pari.

Although Miguel was not religious,

Čeprav Miguel ni bil veren,

he accompanied Sharon to church every Sunday,

je vsako nedeljo spremljal Sharon v cerkev,

where he was welcomed into the congregation.

kjer ga je skupnost sprejela.

Miguel didn't just lose his girlfriend;

Miguel ni samo izgubili svoje dekle;

he lost his entire social life,

izgubil je celotno družbeno življenje,

the supportive community of Sharon's church.

podporo skupnosti Sharonine cerkve.

He lost his identity as a couple.

Izgubil je svojo identiteto para.

Now, Miguel recognized the breakup had left this huge void in his life,

Miguel je spoznal, da je razhod pustil veliko praznino v življenju,

but what he failed to recognize

ni pa spoznal,

is that it left far more than just one.

da je praznin veliko več.

And that is crucial,

In to je ključno,

not just because it explains why heartbreak could be so devastating,

ne le, ker pojasnjuje,

zakaj je strto srce tako uničujoče,

but because it tells us how to heal.

ampak ker pove, kakšno mora biti zdravilo.

To fix your broken heart,

Če želiš popraviti strto srce,

you have to identify these voids in your life and fill them,

moraš prepoznati te praznine v svojem življenju in jih napolniti,

and I mean all of them.

vse do zadnje.

The voids in your identity:

Praznine v identiteti:

you have to reestablish who you are and what your life is about.

moral boš ponovno določiti, kdo si in kaj hočeš od življenja.

The voids in your social life,

Praznine v družabnem življenju,

the missing activities, even the empty spaces on the wall

manjkajoče aktivnosti, celo praznine na stenah,

where pictures used to hang.

kjer so prej visele slike.

But none of that will do any good

Toda nič od tega ne bo pomagalo,

unless you prevent the mistakes that can set you back,

če ne preprečiš napak, ki te lahko potegnejo nazaj,

the unnecessary searches for explanations,

v nepotrebno iskanje pojasnil,

idealizing your ex instead of focusing on how they were wrong for you,

v idealiziranje svojega bivšega, namesto osredotočanja na to, da ni bil pravi zate,

indulging thoughts and behaviors that still give them a starring role

da še gojiš misli,

ki mu še dajejo glavno vlogo v tem poglavju tvojega življenja,

in this next chapter of your life

when they shouldn't be an extra.

ko ne bi smel biti nič posebnega.

Getting over heartbreak is hard,

Preboleti žalost je težko,

but if you refuse to be misled by your mind and you take steps to heal,

če pa preprečiš, da bi te um zavajal,

in delaš korake k ozdravljenju, lahko bistveno zmanjšaš svoje trpljenje.

you can significantly minimize your suffering.

And it won't just be you who benefit from that.

Od tega ne boš imel korist samo ti.

You'll be more present with your friends,

Več boš skupaj s prijatelji,

more engaged with your family,

več se boš ukvarjal s svojo družino,

not to mention the billions of dollars of compromised productivity

da ne omenjam milijardne škode zaradi slabšega dela, kar se da preprečiti.

in the workplace that could be avoided.

So if you know someone who is heartbroken,

Če torej poznaš koga s strtim srcem,

have compassion,

sočustvuj z njim,

because social support has been found to be important for their recovery.

saj je ugotovljeno, da je podpora družbe pomembna za to, da si opomore.

And have patience,

In bodi potrpežljiv,

because it's going to take them longer to move on than you think it should.

ker pobiranje traja dlje, kot misliš, da bi smelo.

And if you're hurting,

In če boli tebe,

know this:

vedi to:

it's difficult, it is a battle within your own mind,

je težko, bitka se odvija v tvojih mislih,

and you have to be diligent to win.

in za zmago moraš biti pazljiv.

But you do have weapons.

Ampak orožje imaš.

You can fight.

Lahko se boriš.

And you will heal.

In boš ozdravljen.

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(Ploskanje)