Why we love, why we cheat | Helen Fisher

Translator: Martina Mrsnik Reviewer: Janja Sterle

I'd like to talk today about the two biggest social trends

Danes bi rada govorila o dveh največjih družbenih trendih prihajajočega stoletja

in the coming century,

and perhaps in the next 10,000 years.

in mogoče tudi naslednjih 10.000 let.

But I want to start with my work on romantic love,

Ampak začela bom s svojim delom o romantični ljubezni,

because that's my most recent work.

ker sem se s tem nazadnje ukvarjala.

What I and my colleagues did was put 32 people, who were madly in love,

Kar smo jaz in moji kolegi storili, je, da smo 32 noro zaljubljenih ljudi,

into a functional MRI brain scanner.

slikali s funkcijskim MRI aparatom.

17 who were madly in love and their love was accepted;

17, ki so bili noro zaljubljeni in jim je bila ljubezen vračana

and 15 who were madly in love and they had just been dumped.

ter 15 tistih, ki so bili noro zaljubljeni in so bili pravkar zavrnjeni.

In najprej bi vam rada povedala to,

And so I want to tell you about that first,

and then go on into where I think love is going.

potem pa bi šla na to, kamor, mislim, da gre ljubezen.

(Laughter)

"What 'tis to love?" Shakespeare said.

"Kaj je to, ljubiti?" je vprašal Shakespeare.

I think our ancestors --

Mislim, da so se naši predniki - da se človeška bitja ukvarjajo s tem vprašanjem,

I think human beings have been wondering about this question

odkar so sedeli okrog tabornih ognjev ali ležali in gledali zvezde milijon let nazaj.

since they sat around their campfires

or lay and watched the stars a million years ago.

I started out by trying to figure out what romantic love was

Začela sem tako, da sem poskusila ugotoviti, kaj je romantična ljubezen,

by looking at the last 45 years of the psychological research

tako da sem proučevala psihološke raziskave iz zadnjih 45 let.

and as it turns out,

Izkazalo se je, da se zgodi zelo specifična množica stvari, ko se zaljubiš.

there's a very specific group of things that happen when you fall in love.

The first thing that happens is,

Prva stvar, ki se zgodi,

a person begins to take on what I call, "special meaning."

oseba začne prevzemati nekaj, čemur jaz pravim "poseben pomen".

As a truck driver once said to me,

Enkrat mi je voznik tovornjaka dejal:

"The world had a new center, and that center was Mary Anne."

"Svet je imel novo središče in to središče je bila Mary Anne."

George Bernard Shaw said it differently.

George Bernard Shaw je to rekel nekoliko drugače.

"Love consists of overestimating the differences

Rekel je: "Ljubezen je sestavljena iz precenjevanja razlik med eno žensko in neko drugo."

between one woman and another."

In zares, to je, kar počnemo. (smeh)

And indeed, that's what we do.

(Laughter)

And then you just focus on this person.

In potem se osredotočite samo na to osebo.

You can list what you don't like about them,

Lahko naštejete tisto, kar vam ni všeč na njej,

but then you sweep that aside and focus on what you do.

vendar potem to pometete na stran in se osredotočite na tisto, kar vam je.

As Chaucer said, "Love is blind."

Kot je rekel Chaucer: "Ljubezen je slepa."

In trying to understand romantic love,

Da bi razumela romantično ljubezen,

I decided I would read poetry from all over the world,

sem se odločila, da bom brala poezijo s celega sveta.

and I just want to give you one very short poem

Rada bi vam prebrala zelo kratko pesmico iz 8. stoletja s Kitajske,

from eighth-century China,

because it's an almost perfect example

ker je skoraj odličen primer moškega, ki je osredotočen samo na določeno žensko.

of a man who is focused totally on a particular woman.

It's a little bit like when you are madly in love with somebody

Kot takrat, ko ste noro zaljubljeni v neko osebo

and you walk into a parking lot --

in hodite po parkirišču.

their car is different from every other car in the parking lot.

Avtomobil od te osebe je drugačen od vseh drugih na parkirišču.

Their wine glass at dinner

Njen kozarec z vinom na večerji je drugačen od vseh drugih kozarcev.

is different from every other wine glass at the dinner party.

And in this case, a man got hooked on a bamboo sleeping mat.

In v tem primeru se je moški zatreskal na bambusovi spalni podlogi.

And it goes like this.

Gre pa tako. Napisal jo je Yuan Chen.

It's by a guy called Yuan Zhen.

"Ne morem prenesti, da bi pospravil bambusovo podlogo.

"I cannot bear to put away the bamboo sleeping mat.

The night I brought you home, I watched you roll it out."

Tisto noč, ko sem te pripeljal domov, sem te gledal, kako si jo razvila."

He became hooked on a sleeping mat,

Postal je zasvojen s spalno podlogo,

probably because of elevated activity of dopamine in his brain,

najverjetneje zaradi povečane aktivnosti dopamina v njegovih možganih,

just like with you and me.

tako kot pri vas ali pri meni.

But anyway, not only does this person take on special meaning,

Ne samo, da ta oseba prevzame poseben pomen,

you focus your attention on them.

svojo pozornost osredotočite nanjo.

You aggrandize them.

Poveličujete jo. Imate neizmerno energijo

But you have intense energy.

As one Polynesian said, "I felt like jumping in the sky."

Kot je rekel nek Polinezijec: "Počutil sem se, kot da skačem po zraku."

You're up all night. You're walking till dawn.

Prebedite celo noč. Se sprehajate do zore.

You feel intense elation when things are going well;

Občutite silno vznesenost, ko gredo stvari dobro,

mood swings into horrible despair when things are going poorly.

kar se pretvori v strašen obup, ko gredo stvari slabo.

Prava odvisnost od te osebe.

Real dependence on this person.

As one businessman in New York said to me,

Kot mi je rekel nek podjetnik v New Yorku: "Karkoli je bilo njej všeč, je bilo tudi meni."

"Anything she liked, I liked."

Simple. Romantic love is very simple.

Enostavno. Romantična ljubezen je zelo enostavna.

You become extremely sexually possessive.

Postanete skrajno seksualno posesivni.

You know, if you're just sleeping with somebody casually,

Ko spite z nekom brez obvez,

you don't really care if they're sleeping with somebody else.

vas niti ne briga, če oni spijo z drugimi.

But the moment you fall in love,

Ampak v trenutku, ko se zaljubite,

you become extremely sexually possessive of them.

postanete skrajno seksualno posesivni do njih.

I think there's a Darwinian purpose to this.

Mislim, da je tu darvinističen razlog.

The whole point of this is to pull two people together

Cilj je, da se dva človeka povežeta skupaj

strongly enough to begin to rear babies as a team.

zadosti močno, da začneta kot ekipa vzgajati otroke.

But the main characteristics of romantic love are craving:

Ampak glavna značilnost romantične ljubezni je hrepenenje:

an intense craving to be with a particular person,

močno hrepenenje, da bomo s to osebo, ne samo seksualno, ampak tudi čustveno.

not just sexually, but emotionally.

It would be nice to go to bed with them,

Lepo bi bilo iti v posteljo s to osebo,

but you want them to call you on the telephone, to invite you out, etc.,

vendar si želite, da bi vas klicala po telefonu, da vas povabi ven itd.

to tell you that they love you.

Da vam pove, da vas ljubi.

The other main characteristic is motivation.

Druga glavna značilnost je motivacija.

The motor in the brain begins to crank, and you want this person.

Motor v vaših možganih se prižge in vi želite to osebo.

And last but not least, it is an obsession.

In na koncu, še ena od glavnih značilnosti je obsesija.

Before I put these people in the MRI machine,

Predno sem te ljudi dala v MRI aparat,

I would ask them all kinds of questions.

sem jim zastavila različna vprašanja.

But my most important question was always the same.

Moje najpomembnejše vprašanje je bilo vedno enako.

It was: "What percentage of the day and night do you think about this person?"

Bilo je: "Koliko odstotkov dneva in noči mislite na to osebo?"

In res so odgovorili: "Ves dan. Vso noč. Ne morem nehati razmišljati o njem/njej."

And indeed, they would say,

"All day. All night.

I can never stop thinking about him or her."

And then, the very last question --

In nato, zadnje vprašanje, ki sem jim ga postavila--

I would always have to work myself up to this question,

vedno sem se morala prisiliti, da sem jih to vprašala,

because I'm not a psychologist.

ker nisem psihologinja.

I don't work with people in any kind of traumatic situation.

Ne delam z ljudmi, ki so doživeli kakršnokoli travmatsko situacijo.

My final question was always the same.

In moje zadnje vprašanje je bilo vedno enako.

I would say, "Would you die for him or her?"

Vprašala sem jih: "Bi umrli zanj/zanjo?"

And, indeed, these people would say "Yes!"

Ti ljudje so rekli: "Ja!"

as if I had asked them to pass the salt.

kot bi jih prosila, če mi podajo sol.

I was just staggered by it.

Bila sem preprosto osupla.

So we scanned their brains,

Skenirali smo jim možgane, medtem ko so gledali fotografijo njihovih najdražjih in neko nevtralno fotografijo

looking at a photograph of their sweetheart

and looking at a neutral photograph,

z neko motečo nalogo vmes.

with a distraction task in between.

Tako, da smo lahko pogledali v možgane, ko so bili v zbujenem stanju

So we could look at the same brain when it was in that heightened state

and when it was in a resting state.

in ko so bili v fazi odmora.

And we found activity in a lot of brain regions.

Tako smo našli aktivnost v veliko možganskih regijah.

Ena izmed najpomembnejših je bila regija,

In fact, one of the most important was a brain region

that becomes active when you feel the rush of cocaine.

ki se drugače aktivira pri uživanju kokaina.

And indeed, that's exactly what happens.

In zares, ravno to se dogaja.

I began to realize that romantic love is not an emotion.

Začela sem doumevati, da romantična ljubezen ni čustvo.

Pravzaprav sem vedno mislila, da je niz čustev,

In fact, I had always thought it was a series of emotions,

od najbolj pozitivnih do najbolj negativnih.

from very high to very low.

But actually, it's a drive.

Pravzaprav je ljubezen nagon. Izhaja iz umskega motorja,

It comes from the motor of the mind,

the wanting part of the mind, the craving part of the mind.

hotečega dela, hrepenečega dela uma.

The kind of part of the mind

Tisti del uma, kot takrat,

when you're reaching for that piece of chocolate,

ko posežete po tistem koščku čokolade,

when you want to win that promotion at work.

ko želite dobiti tisto napredovanje pri delu.

The motor of the brain.

Motor možganov. Ljubezen je sla.

It's a drive.

And in fact, I think it's more powerful than the sex drive.

Mislim, da je močnejša od spolne sle.

Če vprašate nekoga, če gre v posteljo z vami, in ta oseba reče: "Ne, hvala,"

You know, if you ask somebody to go to bed with you,

and they say, "No, thank you,"

se zagotovo ne ubijete ali zapadete v klinično depresijo.

you certainly don't kill yourself or slip into a clinical depression.

But certainly, around the world,

Ampak zagotovo bi ljudje po celem svetu, ki so zavrnjeni v ljubezni, ubijali zanjo.

people who are rejected in love will kill for it.

People live for love.

Ljudje živijo za ljubezen. Ubijajo za ljubezen. Umirajo za ljubezen.

They kill for love.

They die for love.

They have songs, poems, novels,

Imajo pesmi, poezijo, romane, kipe, slike, mite, legende.

sculptures, paintings, myths, legends.

In over 175 societies,

V preko 175 družbah so ljudje pustili dokaze o tem močnem možganskem sistemu.

people have left their evidence of this powerful brain system.

I have come to think

Začenjam razmišljati, da je eden izmed najmočnejših možganskih sistemov na svetu

it's one of the most powerful brain systems on Earth

for both great joy and great sorrow.

tako za ogromno veselje kot ogromno žalost.

And I've also come to think

In sem tudi začela razmišljati, da je eden od treh,

that it's one of three basically different brain systems

v osnovi različnih možganskih sistemov, ki so se razvili zaradi iskanja partnerja in razmnoževanja.

that evolved from mating and reproduction.

One is the sex drive: the craving for sexual gratification.

Prvi je spolna sla: hrepenenje po seksualnem zadovoljenju.

W.H. Auden called it an "intolerable neural itch,"

W.H. Auden ga je poimenoval "neznosna živčna srbečica,"

and indeed, that's what it is.

in res je prav to.

Neprestano vas po malem nadleguje, kot da bi bili lačni.

It keeps bothering you a little bit, like being hungry.

The second of these three brain systems is romantic love:

Drugi od teh treh možganskih sistemov je romantična ljubezen:

that elation, obsession of early love.

tista vznesenost, obsedenost na začetku ljubezni.

And the third brain system is attachment:

In tretji možganski sistem je navezanost:

that sense of calm and security you can feel for a long-term partner.

tisti občutek miru in varnosti, ki ga čutite ob dolgoročnem partnerju.

And I think that the sex drive evolved to get you out there,

Mislim, da se je spolna sla razvila, da bi vas poslala

looking for a whole range of partners.

v iskanje med široko izbiro partnerjev.

You can feel it when you're just driving along in your car.

Saj veste, lahko jo čutite že, ko se samo vozite v avtomobilu.

It can be focused on nobody.

Lahko se osredotočite na neznanca.

I think romantic love evolved to enable you to focus your mating energy

Mislim, da se je romantična ljubezen razvila, da bi vam omogočila usmeriti paritveno energijo

on just one individual at a time,

na samo eno osebo naenkrat,

thereby conserving mating time and energy.

in tako omogočila ohranitev časa in energije za parjenje.

And I think that attachment, the third brain system,

In mislim, da se je navezanost kot tretji možganski sistem

evolved to enable you to tolerate this human being

razvila z namenom, da zdržite s to osebo (smeh)

at least long enough to raise a child together as a team.

vsaj toliko časa, da skupaj, kot ekipa, vzgojite otroka.

So with that preamble,

Torej po tem uvodu želim razpravljati o dveh ključnih družbenih trendih.

I want to go into discussing the two most profound social trends.

One of the last 10,000 years

O enem, ki traja zadnjih 10.000 let, in o drugem, ki traja vsaj 25 let.

and the other, certainly of the last 25 years,

that are going to have an impact on these three different brain systems:

Trenda bosta imela močan vpliv na te tri različne možganske sisteme:

lust, romantic love and deep attachment to a partner.

na poželenje, romantično ljubezen in globoko navezanost na partnerja.

The first is women working, moving into the workforce.

Prvi trend so zaposlene ženske, ki so del delovne sile.

Skozi demografska letna poročila Združenih narodov sem pregledala 130 družb.

I've looked at 130 societies

through the demographic yearbooks of the United Nations.

Everywhere in the world, 129 out of 130 of them,

In povsod po svetu, v 129 od 130 družb, ženske ne samo, da prihajajo na trg delovne sile,

women are not only moving into the job market --

sometimes very, very slowly, but they are moving into the job market --

včasih zelo, zelo počasi, vendar se pomikajo na trg delovne sile --

and they are very slowly closing that gap between men and women

ampak tudi zelo počasi zapirajo vrzel med moškimi in ženskami

in terms of economic power, health and education.

na področju ekonomske moči, zdravstva in izobraževanja.

It's very slow.

To se dogaja zelo počasi.

For every trend on this planet, there's a counter-trend.

Za vsak trend na tem planetu obstaja tudi nasprotni trend.

We all know of them, but nevertheless --

Vsi vemo zanje, ampak vseeno -- kot pravi arabski pregovor:

the Arabs say, "The dogs may bark, but the caravan moves on."

"Psi lahko lajajo, ampak karavana gre naprej."

And, indeed, that caravan is moving on.

Karavana gre res naprej.

Women are moving back into the job market.

Ženske prihajajo nazaj na trg delovne sile.

And I say back into the job market, because this is not new.

In pravim nazaj, ker to ni nekaj novega.

For millions of years, on the grasslands of Africa,

Nekaj milijonov let v afriških savanah

so ženske odhajale na delo, da bi nabrale zelenjavo.

women commuted to work to gather their vegetables.

They came home with 60 to 80 percent of the evening meal.

Domov so prišle s 60 do 80 odstotki večernega obroka.

The double income family was the standard.

Družinski dvojni prihodek je bil standard.

And women were regarded as just as economically,

In ženske so bile obravnavane kot ekonomsko, družbeno in seksualno enako močne kot moški.

socially and sexually powerful as men.

In short, we're really moving forward to the past.

Na kratko, res se premikamo naprej v preteklost.

Then, women's worst invention was the plow.

Takrat je bil ženski najslabši izum plug.

With the beginning of plow agriculture, men's roles became extremely powerful.

Z začetkom poljedelstva z uporabo pluga je vloga moškega postala izredno močna.

Women lost their ancient jobs as collectors,

Ženske so izgubile svoja starodavna dela kot zbiralke,

z industrijsko in postindustrijsko revolucijo

but then with the industrial revolution and the post-industrial revolution

they're moving back into the job market.

pa se vračajo nazaj na trg delovne sile.

In short, they are acquiring the status that they had a million years ago,

Na kratko, ponovno pridobivajo status, ki so ga imele milijon let nazaj,

10,000 years ago, 100,000 years ago.

10.000 let nazaj, 100.000 let nazaj.

We are seeing now one of the most remarkable traditions

Sedaj smo priče eni izmed najbolj izrednih tradicij v zgodovini človeške živali.

in the history of the human animal.

In imela bo vpliv.

And it's going to have an impact.

I generally give a whole lecture

Ponavadi imam celo predavanje o vplivu žensk na poslovno družbo.

on the impact of women on the business community.

I'll say just a couple of things, and then go on to sex and love.

Povedala bom samo par stvari, potem pa se vrnila k seksu in ljubezni.

There's a lot of gender differences;

Med spoloma je veliko razlik;

anybody who thinks men and women are alike

vsak, ki misli, da smo moški in ženske enaki, ni nikoli imel sina in hčerke.

simply never had a boy and a girl child.

I don't know why they want to think that men and women are alike.

Ne vem, zakaj si želijo misliti, da smo moški in ženske enaki.

There's much we have in common,

Veliko imamo skupnega, vendar je veliko več tistega,

but there's a whole lot that we do not have in common.

v čemer se razlikujemo.

We are -- in the words of Ted Hughes,

Smo -- z besedami Teda Hughesa,

"I think that we are like two feet. We need each other to get ahead."

"Smo kot dve stopali. Potrebujemo eden drugega, da gremo naprej."

But we did not evolve to have the same brain.

Ampak nismo šli skozi evolucijo, da bi imeli enake možgane.

And we're finding more and more gender differences in the brain.

Odkrivamo vedno več razlik v možganih med obema spoloma.

I'll only just use a couple and then move on to sex and love.

Povedala bom le par razlik, nato pa se vrnila k seksu in ljubezni.

One of them is women's verbal ability.

Ena je ženska govorna sposobnost. Ženske znajo govoriti.

Women can talk.

Women's ability to find the right word rapidly, basic articulation

Ženska sposobnost, da najdejo pravo besedo hitro, osnovna artikulacija

goes up in the middle of the menstrual cycle,

se pojavi v sredini menstrualnega cikla, ko so najvišje vrednosti estrogena.

when estrogen levels peak.

But even at menstruation, they're better than the average man.

Ampak tudi med menstruacijo so boljše kot povprečni moški.

Women can talk.

Ženske znajo govoriti.

They've been doing it for a million years; words were women's tools.

To so počele milijone let; besede so žensko orodje.

They held that baby in front of their face,

Držale so otroka pred svojim obrazom,

cajoling it, reprimanding it, educating it with words.

ga nagovarjale, ga grajale, ga učile z besedami.

And, indeed, they're becoming a very powerful force.

In zares, postajajo zelo močna sila.

Even in places like India and Japan,

Tudi v krajih, kot sta Indija in Japonska,

where women are not moving rapidly into the regular job market,

kjer se ženske ne premikajo hitro na reden trg delovne sile,

they're moving into journalism.

pomikajo se v novinarstvo.

And I think that the television is like the global campfire.

Televizija je kot globalni taborni ogenj.

We sit around it and it shapes our minds.

Sedimo okrog nje in nam oblikuje um.

Almost always, when I'm on TV, the producer who calls me,

Skoraj vedno, ko sem na TV, producent, ki me pokliče,

who negotiates what we're going to say,

ki se pogaja, kaj bomo povedali, je ženska.

is a woman.

In fact, Solzhenitsyn once said,

Solženicin je enkrat rekel:

"Imeti velikega pisatelja je imeti drugo vlado."

"To have a great writer is to have another government."

Today 54 percent of people who are writers in America are women.

Danes je v Ameriki 54 odstotkov pisateljev žensk.

Je ena od mnogih značilnosti, ki jih imajo ženske

It's one of many, many characteristics that women have

that they will bring into the job market.

in ki jih bodo prinesle na trg delovne sile.

They've got incredible people skills, negotiating skills.

Znajo delati z ljudmi, imajo neverjetne sposobnosti pregovarjanja.

They're highly imaginative.

So zelo domiselne.

We now know the brain circuitry of imagination, of long-term planning.

Sedaj poznamo možganske povezave za domiselnost, dolgoročno planiranje.

They tend to be web thinkers.

So nagnjene k temu, da so mrežni misleci.

Because the female parts of the brain are better connected,

Deli ženskih možganov so bolje povezani,

they tend to collect more pieces of data when they think,

ženske ponavadi zberejo več podatkov, ko mislijo,

put them into more complex patterns, see more options and outcomes.

jih povežejo v bolj zapletene vzorce, vidijo več možnosti in rezultatov.

They tend to be contextual, holistic thinkers,

Poiščejo vsebino, so bolj celostni misleci, kar imenujem mrežni misleci.

what I call web thinkers.

Men tend to -- and these are averages --

Moški so nagnjeni v povprečju k temu, da se znebijo tistega, kar imajo za nenavadno,

tend to get rid of what they regard as extraneous,

focus on what they do,

osredotočijo se na tisto, kar počnejo in razmišljajo korak za korakom.

and move in a more step-by-step thinking pattern.

They're both perfectly good ways of thinking.

Oba načina mišljenja sta dobra.

We need both of them to get ahead.

Potrebujemo oba, da gremo naprej.

In fact, there's many more male geniuses in the world.

Pravzaprav je več moških genijev na svetu.

And there's also many more male idiots in the world.

Je tudi veliko več moških idiotov na svetu. (smeh)

(Laughter)

When the male brain works well, it works extremely well.

Ko moški možgani delajo dobro, delajo izredno dobro.

And what I really think that we're doing is,

Prepričana sem, da se pomikamo v smer sodelujoče družbe,

we're moving towards a collaborative society,

a society in which the talents of both men and women

k družbi, kjer postajajo talenti obeh spolov razumljeni,

are becoming understood and valued and employed.

cenjeni in zaposleni.

But in fact, women moving into the job market

Dejstvo pa je, da ima pomik žensk na trg delovne sile ogromen vpliv

is having a huge impact on sex and romance and family life.

na seks in romantiko in družinsko življenje.

Foremost, women are starting to express their sexuality.

Ženske so končno začele izražati svojo seksualnost.

I'm always astonished when people come to me and say,

Vedno sem presenečena, ko me ljudje vprašajo:

"Why is it that men are so adulterous?"

"Zakaj moški bolj varajo?"

"Why do you think more men are adulterous than women?"

Vprašam jih: "Zakaj mislite, da vara več moških kot žensk?"

"Well, men are more adulterous!"

"Ja, no, moški bolj varajo!"

Vprašam jih: " S kom pa mislite, da ti moški spijo?"

And I say, "Who do you think these men are sleeping with?"

In -- osnovna matematika! (smeh)

(Laughter)

And -- basic math!

Anyway.

Kakorkoli že.

In the Western world,

V zahodnem svetu, punčke--

women start sooner at sex, have more partners,

ženske imajo spolne odnose bolj zgodaj, imajo več partnerjev,

express less remorse for the partners that they do,

so manj usmiljene do partnerjev,

marry later, have fewer children,

se pozneje poročajo, imajo manj otrok, zapustijo slabe zakone, da bi dobile boljše.

leave bad marriages in order to get good ones.

We are seeing the rise of female sexual expression.

Smo priče dvigu ženskega seksualnega izražanja.

And, indeed, once again we're moving forward to the kind of sexual expression

Ponovno se približujemo tisti obliki seksualnega izražanja,

that we probably saw on the grasslands of Africa a million years ago,

ki smo jo verjetno videli v savanah Afrike milijon let nazaj,

because this is the kind of sexual expression that we see

ker je to oblika seksualnega izražanja, ki jo vidimo

in hunting and gathering societies today.

v lovsko-nabiralnih družbah danes.

We're also returning to an ancient form of marriage equality.

Prav tako se vračamo k starodavni obliki enakosti v zakonski zvezi.

They're now saying that the 21st century

Sedaj govorijo, da bo 21. stoletje

is going to be the century of what they call the "symmetrical marriage,"

stoletje "simetričnega zakona", kot so to poimenovali,

or the "pure marriage," or the "companionate marriage."

ali "čistega zakona" ali "sopotniškega zakona".

This is a marriage between equals,

To je zakonska zveza med enakimi,

moving forward to a pattern

ki napreduje k vzorcu, ki je zelo skladen s starodavnim človeškim duhom.

that is highly compatible with the ancient human spirit.

We're also seeing a rise of romantic love.

Vidimo tudi dvig romantične ljubezni.

91 percent of American women and 86 percent of American men

91 odstotkov Američank in 86 odstotkov Američanov

would not marry somebody who had every single quality

se ne bi poročilo z nekom, ki bi imel vse lastnosti, ki jih iščejo v partnerju,

they were looking for in a partner,

if they were not in love with that person.

če ne bi bili zaljubljeni v to osebo.

People around the world, in a study of 37 societies,

Ljudje s celega sveta, v študiji 37 družb,

want to be in love with the person that they marry.

hočejo biti zaljubljeni v osebo, s katero se poročijo.

Indeed, arranged marriages are on their way off this braid of human life.

Dogovorjeni zakoni izginjajo iz človeškega življenja.

I even think that marriages might even become more stable

Sem mnenja, da so zakoni lahko celo bolj stabilni

because of the second great world trend.

zaradi drugega velikega svetovnega trenda.

The first one being women moving into the job market,

Prvi je ta, da se ženske pomikajo na trg delovne sile,

the second one being the aging world population.

drugi pa je staranje svetovnega prebivalstva.

They're now saying that in America,

Pravijo, da bi se v Ameriki

that middle age should be regarded as up to age 85.

srednja leta štela do 85. leta.

Because in that highest age category of 76 to 85,

Zaradi tega, ker v najvišji starostni kategoriji med 76. in 85. letom,

as much as 40 percent of people have nothing really wrong with them.

kar 40 odstotkov ljudi nima težav.

So we're seeing there's a real extension of middle age.

Kar vidimo tukaj, je resna razširitev srednje dobe.

For one of my books, I looked at divorce data in 58 societies.

Za eno od svojih knjig sem pregledala podatke o ločitvah v 58 družbah.

And as it turns out, the older you get, the less likely you are to divorce.

Izkazalo se je, da starejši kot ste, manj verjetno je, da se boste ločili.

So the divorce rate right now is stable in America,

Tako je današnja stopnja ločitev v Ameriki stabilna

and it's actually beginning to decline.

in se pravzaprav začenja spuščati.

It may decline some more.

Lahko se bo še spustila.

Lahko celo rečem, da z viagro, nadomestno terapijo z estrogenom, menjavami kolkov

I would even say that with Viagra,

estrogen replacement, hip replacements

and the incredibly interesting women

in neverjetno zanimivimi ženskami

-- women have never been as interesting as they are now.

-- ženske niso še nikoli bile tako zanimive, kot so sedaj.

Not at any time on this planet have women been so educated,

Še nikoli na tem planetu niso bile ženske tako izobražene, zanimive, sposobne.

so interesting, so capable.

And so I honestly think that if there really was ever a time in human evolution

Resnično mislim, da če obstaja čas v človeški evoluciji,

when we have the opportunity to make good marriages, that time is now.

da ustvarimo dobre zakonske zveze, potem je ta čas zdaj.

However, there's always kinds of complications in this.

Kakorkoli, pri tem so vedno obstajale težave.

These three brain systems -- lust, romantic love and attachment --

Ti trije možganski sistemi: poželenje, romantična ljubezen in navezanost,

don't always go together.

ne gredo vedno skupaj.

They can go together, by the way.

Pravzaprav lahko gredo skupaj.

That's why casual sex isn't so casual.

Zato seks brez obveznosti ni tako neobvezujoč.

With orgasm you get a spike of dopamine.

Z orgazmom dobite porast dopamina.

Dopamine's associated with romantic love,

Dopamin je povezan z romantično ljubeznijo

and you can just fall in love with somebody

in lahko se zaljubite v osebo, s katero ste pravkar imeli neobvezujoč seks.

who you're just having casual sex with.

With orgasm, then you get a real rush of oxytocin and vasopressin --

Z orgazmom pride do pravega navala oksitocina in vazopresina --

those are associated with attachment.

oba sta povezana z navezanostjo.

This is why you can feel such a sense of cosmic union with somebody

Zato imate lahko občutek kozmične povezanosti z nekom

after you've made love to them.

po tem, ko ste se ljubili z njim.

But these three brain systems: lust, romantic love and attachment,

Ampak ti trije možganski sistemi: poželenje, romantična ljubezen in navezanost,

aren't always connected to each other.

niso vedno povezani med sabo.

You can feel deep attachment to a long-term partner

Lahko čutite globoko navezanost na dolgoročnega partnerja,

while you feel intense romantic love for somebody else,

medtem ko čutite intenzivno romantično ljubezen do nekoga drugega,

while you feel the sex drive for people unrelated to these other partners.

medtem ko čutite spolno slo do ljudi, ki niso povezani s temi partnerji.

In short, we're capable of loving more than one person at a time.

Na kratko, sposobni smo ljubiti več kot eno osebo naenkrat.

In fact, you can lie in bed at night

Zvečer lahko ležite v postelji

and swing from deep feelings of attachment for one person

in menjavate globoko navezanost na eno osebo

to deep feelings of romantic love for somebody else.

z globoko romantično ljubeznijo do druge osebe.

It's as if there's a committee meeting going on in your head

To je, kot da bi imeli v glavi sestanek upravnega odbora,

as you are trying to decide what to do.

ko se odločate, kaj narediti.

So I don't think, honestly,

Iskreno povedano, ne mislim, da smo žival, ki je bila narejena, da je srečna;

we're an animal that was built to be happy;

we are an animal that was built to reproduce.

smo žival, ki je bila narejena za razmnoževanje.

I think the happiness we find, we make.

Mislim, da srečo, ki najdemo, naredimo sami.

And I think, however,

Mislim, da vendarle lahko zgradimo dobre medsebojne odnose.

we can make good relationships with each other.

So I want to conclude with two things.

Rada bi zaključila z dvema stvarema.

Rada bi zaključila s zaskrbljenostjo.

I want to conclude with a worry,

Zaskrbljena sem - in s čudovito zgodbo.

and with a wonderful story.

Skrbi me zaradi antidepresivov.

The worry is about antidepressants.

Vsako leto je v ZDA napisanih preko 100 milijonov receptov za antidepresive.

Over 100 million prescriptions of antidepressants

are written every year in the United States.

And these drugs are going generic.

In ta zdravila postajajo generična.

They are seeping around the world.

Širijo se po svetu.

I know one girl who's been on these antidepressants,

Poznam dekle, ki je bilo na antidepresivih, za povišanje serotonina --

SSRIs, serotonin-enhancing antidepressants -- since she was 13.

SSRI-antidepresivi za zvišanje vrednosti serotonina - od 13. leta.

She's 23. She's been on them ever since she was 13.

Ima 23 let. Jemlje jih, odkar je imela 13 let.

I've got nothing against people who take them short term,

Nič nimam proti tistim, ki jih jemljejo kratek čas,

when they're going through something horrible.

ko gredo skozi nekaj zelo strašnega.

They want to commit suicide or kill somebody else.

Ko želijo ubiti sebe ali koga drugega.

I would recommend it.

Takrat bi jih priporočila.

But more and more people in the United States

Ampak vedno več ljudi v ZDA jih jemlje dolgoročno.

are taking them long term.

Ta zdravila zvišajo raven serotonina.

And indeed, what these drugs do is raise levels of serotonin.

And by raising levels of serotonin, you suppress the dopamine circuit.

In z zvišanjem ravni serotonina se zavira dopaminski krog.

Everybody knows that.

Vsi vedo to.

Dopamine is associated with romantic love.

Dopamin je povezan z romantično ljubeznijo.

Not only do they suppress the dopamine circuit,

Ne samo, da zavirajo dopaminski krog, ubijejo tudi spolno slo.

but they kill the sex drive.

And when you kill the sex drive, you kill orgasm.

In ko ubijete spolno slo, ubijete orgazem.

And when you kill orgasm,

In ko ubijete orgazem, ubijete tisto poplavo substanc, ki so povezane z navezanostjo.

you kill that flood of drugs associated with attachment.

The things are connected in the brain.

Stvari v možganih so povezane.

And when you tamper with one brain system,

In ko se vmešate v en možganski sistem,

you're going to tamper with another.

boste pomešali tudi drugega.

I'm just simply saying that a world without love is a deadly place.

Hočem povedati, da je svet brez ljubezni smrtonosen kraj.

So now --

(Applause)

Zato zdaj -- (aplavz) -- hvala.

Thank you.

Rada bi zaključila z zgodbo. In potem še komentar.

I want to end with a story.

And then, just a comment.

I've been studying romantic love and sex and attachment for 30 years.

Romantično ljubezen, seks in navezanost preučujem že 30 let.

Sem identični dvojček; zanima me, zakaj smo vsi enaki.

I'm an identical twin; I am interested in why we're all alike.

Why you and I are alike, why the Iraqis and the Japanese

Zakaj smo vi in jaz enaki, zakaj so Iračani in Japonci

and the Australian Aborigines and the people of the Amazon River

in avstralski Aborigini ter ljudstva Amazonke enaki.

are all alike.

And about a year ago,

Pred kakšnim letom je do mene prišel spletni servis za zmenke Match.com

an Internet dating service, Match.com, came to me

and asked me if I would design a new dating site for them.

in me vprašal, če bi zanj zasnovala novo stran za spoznavanje.

I said, "I don't know anything about personality. You know?

Rekla sem: "Nič ne vem o osebnosti.

I don't know. Do you think you've got the right person?"

Ne vem. Mislite, da ste dobili pravo osebo?"

They said, "Yes."

Rekli so: "Ja."

It got me thinking about why it is that you fall in love

Dalo mi je misliti, zakaj se v eno osebo zaljubimo raje kot v drugo.

with one person rather than another.

That's my current project; it will be my next book.

To je moj zdajšnji projekt; to bo moja naslednja knjiga.

There's all kinds of reasons

Veliko je razlogov, zakaj se v eno osebo zaljubite raje kot v drugo.

that you fall in love with one person rather than another.

Timing is important. Proximity is important.

Pomemben je čas. Bližina je pomembna.

Mystery is important.

Skrivnostnost je pomembna. Zaljubite se v nekoga, ki je nekako skrivnosten,

You fall in love with somebody who's somewhat mysterious,

delno zaradi tega, ker skrivnostnost zviša dopamin v možganih,

in part because mystery elevates dopamine in the brain,

probably pushes you over that threshold to fall in love.

verjetno vas potisne čez prag za zaljubljenost.

You fall in love with somebody

Zaljubite se v nekoga, ki ustreza nečemu, čemur pravim vaš "ljubezenski zemljevid",

who fits within what I call your "love map,"

an unconscious list of traits

nezavedni seznam lastnosti, ki ga naredite v otroštvu, ko odraščate.

that you build in childhood as you grow up.

And I also think that you gravitate to certain people,

In mislim, da tudi postanete --

privlačijo vas taki ljudje, s katerimi imate nekako skladne možganske sisteme.

actually, with somewhat complementary brain systems.

And that's what I'm now contributing to this.

In to je moj zdajšnji doprinos.

But I want to tell you a story, to illustrate.

Ampak rada bi vam povedala zgodbo -- za ilustracijo.

I've been carrying on here about the biology of love.

Stalno govorim o biologiji ljubezni.

I wanted to show you a little bit about the culture of it, too,

Želela bi vam pokazati tudi malo kulture,

the magic of it.

njeno čarobnost.

It's a story that was told to me

To je zgodba, ki mi jo je povedal nekdo, ki jo je slišal od nekoga;

by somebody who had heard it just from one --

probably a true story.

verjetno resnična zgodba.

Bil je študent na - jaz sem na Rutgers in moja dva kolega -

It was a graduate student -- I'm at Rutgers and my two colleagues --

Art Aron is at SUNY Stony Brook.

Art Aaron je na SUNY Stonybrook.

That's where we put our people in the MRI machine.

Tam slikamo ljudi z MRI.

And this graduate student was madly in love with another graduate student,

In ta študent je bil noro zaljubljen v drugo študentko,

and she was not in love with him.

ampak ona ni bila zaljubljena vanj.

And they were all at a conference in Beijing.

Bili so na konferenci v Pekingu.

Iz našega dela je vedel, da če naredite nekaj popolnoma novega z nekom,

And he knew from our work

that if you go and do something very novel with somebody,

you can drive up the dopamine in the brain,

mu lahko zvišate dopamin v možganih.

and perhaps trigger this brain system for romantic love.

In mogoče zaženete možganski sistem za romantično ljubezen. (smeh)

(Laughter)

Tako se je odločil, da bo izkoristil znanost.

So he decided he'd put science to work.

Dekle je povabil na skupno vožnjo z rikšo.

And he invited this girl to go off on a rickshaw ride with him.

And sure enough -- I've never been in one,

Jaz se nisem še nikoli peljala z rikšo,

but apparently they go all around the buses and the trucks

ampak zgleda, da gredo okrog avtobusov in tovornjakov,

and it's crazy and it's noisy and it's exciting.

da je noro, glasno in razburljivo.

He figured that this would drive up the dopamine,

Mislil je, da ji bo tako dvignil vrednost dopamina

and she'd fall in love with him.

in se bo zaljubila vanj.

So off they go and she's squealing and squeezing him

Tako sta šla in ona je kričala, se stiskala,

se smejala in uživala.

and laughing and having a wonderful time.

An hour later they get down off of the rickshaw,

Ko sta po eni uri stopila z rikše,

and she throws her hands up and she says,

je vrgla roke v zrak in rekla: "Kaj ni bilo čudovito?"

"Wasn't that wonderful?"

And, "Wasn't that rickshaw driver handsome!"

in "Kako je bil ta voznik rikše čeden!"

(Laughter)

(smeh) (aplavz)

(Applause)

There's magic to love!

V ljubezni je čarovnija!

(Applause)

But I will end by saying that millions of years ago,

Končala pa bom z mislijo, da smo milijone let nazaj razvili tri osnovne sle:

we evolved three basic drives:

the sex drive, romantic love

spolno slo, romantično ljubezen in navezanost na dolgoročnega partnerja.

and attachment to a long-term partner.

Ti sklopi so globoko vgrajeni v človeške možgane.

These circuits are deeply embedded in the human brain.

They're going to survive as long as our species survives

Preživeli bodo toliko, kolikor bo preživela naša vrsta

on what Shakespeare called "this mortal coil."

v "tem težkem življenju", kot je rekel Shakespeare.

Thank you.

Hvala. (aplavz)

Chris Anderson: Helen Fisher!

(Applause)