Tan Le: My immigration story

譯者: Joyce Chou 審譯者: Jessica Lin

How can I speak in 10 minutes

我該如何在十分鐘內

about the bonds of women over three generations,

說完聯結三個世代的女人的故事

about how the astonishing strength of those bonds

還有他們身上緊密關係

took hold in the life of a four-year-old girl

是如何在生命裡展現力量

又是如何影響一位四歲的女孩

huddled with her young sister, her mother and her grandmother

三十年前

她和妹妹

還有母親和祖母

for five days and nights in a small boat in the China Sea

在一艘在中國海的小船上

擠了五天五夜

more than 30 years ago.

Bonds that took hold in the life of that small girl

那樣的緊密關係影響了這位小女孩

直到現在

and never let go --

that small girl now living in San Francisco

那位小女孩現在住在舊金山

現在在這裡和各位說話

and speaking to you today.

這個故事尚未結束

This is not a finished story.

It is a jigsaw puzzle still being put together.

這組拼圖還沒拼完

讓我告訴各位其中幾段故事

Let me tell you about some of the pieces.

想像第一片拼圖

Imagine the first piece: a man burning his life's work.

一個男人燒毀了他畢生的作品

He is a poet, a playwright,

他是位詩人，一位劇作家

他畢生

a man whose whole life

had been balanced on the single hope of his country's unity and freedom.

都只為了一個希望

就是他的國家的統一和自由

Imagine him as the communists enter Saigon --

想像他以共產黨員的身分進入西貢

confronting the fact that his life had been a complete waste.

卻面對到一個事實

那就是他的生命至今完全沒有意義。

Words, for so long his friends, now mocked him.

文字，曾是他的朋友，現在卻嘲笑他。

他退縮並選擇沉默。

He retreated into silence.

He died broken by history.

他因為歷史的打擊而過世。

He is my grandfather.

他是我的祖父

我有生之年從未見過他

I never knew him in real life.

但我們的生活不是只有回憶

But our lives are much more than our memories.

My grandmother never let me forget his life.

我的祖母不讓我忘記我祖父的事

My duty was not to allow it to have been in vain,

我的責任是不讓祖父的生命白白逝去

我要學習的是

and my lesson was to learn that, yes, history tried to crush us,

沒錯，歷史迫害了我們

but we endured.

但我們活下來了

另一塊拼圖

The next piece of the jigsaw is of a boat in the early dawn

是在一個凌晨

slipping silently out to sea.

在一艘靜靜漂在海上的小船上

我的母親，Mai，當時十八歲

My mother, Mai, was 18 when her father died --

她的父親過世時

already in an arranged marriage,

她已經結婚

already with two small girls.

有兩個小女兒

For her, life had distilled itself into one task:

對她來說，生命擁有一個任務：

帶著家人逃難

the escape of her family and a new life in Australia.

在澳洲展開新的生活

It was inconceivable to her that she would not succeed.

這對當時的她而言是不可思議的

她可能不會成功

So after a four-year saga that defies fiction,

經過四年，和小說裡的冒險情節不同的是，

a boat slipped out to sea disguised as a fishing vessel.

有一艘船出海

偽裝成一艘漁船

All the adults knew the risks.

所有的大人都知道這有風險

The greatest fear was of pirates, rape and death.

其中最大的恐懼是海盜

強暴和死亡。

跟大部分在船上的大人一樣

Like most adults on the boat,

我的母親帶著一小瓶的毒藥

my mother carried a small bottle of poison.

If we were captured, first my sister and I,

如果我們被抓住，先是讓我妹妹和我喝毒藥

然後她和我的祖母再喝。

then she and my grandmother would drink.

My first memories are from the boat --

我最初的回憶是從那船上開始的

陣陣的引擎轉動聲

the steady beat of the engine,

船頭拍打著每一波海浪

the bow dipping into each wave,

寬廣無盡的海平面

the vast and empty horizon.

我不記得那些來了很多次的海盜

I don't remember the pirates who came many times,

but were bluffed by the bravado of the men on our boat,

但我們被船上那些虛張聲勢的

男人們給嚇唬住，

or the engine dying and failing to start for six hours.

或是因為引擎故障

而停滯了六個小時而被嚇唬住

But I do remember the lights on the oil rig off the Malaysian coast

但我記得在馬來西亞的海岸上

鑽油機的燈光，

還有一個年輕人倒下死去

and the young man who collapsed and died,

the journey's end too much for him,

這個旅程最終對他的負擔太大;

以及我所嚐到的第一顆蘋果，

and the first apple I tasted, given to me by the men on the rig.

是在鑽塔上的工人們給我的。

No apple has ever tasted the same.

在那之後，沒有任何一個蘋果吃起來像當時一樣。

在難民營三個月後

After three months in a refugee camp, we landed in Melbourne.

我們抵達了墨爾本。

下一塊拼圖

And the next piece of the jigsaw is about four women

是關於四位跨越了三個世代的女人

across three generations shaping a new life together.

共同建立一個新的生活

我們定居在Footscray

We settled in Footscray,

一個勞工居住的郊區

a working-class suburb whose demographic is layers of immigrants.

這裡的居民是外來移民

Unlike the settled middle-class suburbs, whose existence I was oblivious of,

和那些安定的中產階級們所住的郊區不同，

我忘了我是哪裡的居民

在Footscray感受不到應得的權力

there was no sense of entitlement in Footscray.

商店裡的味道都是從世界的其他角落來的。

The smells from shop doors were from the rest of the world.

而那些片段的，不流利的英文

And the snippets of halting English

在人群間交談著

were exchanged between people who had one thing in common:

這些人有一個共通點，

They were starting again.

他們都在此展開新生活。

My mother worked on farms,

我的母親在農場工作，

then on a car assembly line,

然後在汽車的組裝生產線

working six days, double shifts.

一星期工作六天，輪兩班

不知怎麼辦到的，但她還是找到時間學習英文

Somehow, she found time to study English

and gain IT qualifications.

然後考取了IT證照。

我們當時窮困

We were poor.

花錢都得斤斤計較

All the dollars were allocated

學英語和數學的額外學費

and extra tuition in English and mathematics was budgeted for

我們總是把它排進預算裡，

regardless of what missed out,

無論這意味著我們需要犧牲的，

which was usually new clothes;

通常指的是用來買新衣服的錢；

我們的衣服總是二手的，

they were always secondhand.

有兩雙上學穿的絲襪，

Two pairs of stockings for school,

each to hide the holes in the other.

因為要一雙要遮住另一雙破洞。

學校制服長到腳踝，

A school uniform down to the ankles, because it had to last for six years.

因為一穿要穿六年

有時候會有火燒過後

And there were rare but searing chants of "slit-eye"

縫補的痕跡

偶爾有塗鴉寫著

and the occasional graffiti:

"Asian, go home."

「亞洲人，滾回家」

Go home to where?

但回家要回去哪？

有件事堅定的在我的心裡

Something stiffened inside me.

There was a gathering of resolve and a quiet voice saying,

凝聚了決心

還有一個微小的聲音說「我會度過這一切的」

"I will bypass you."

我的母親，我妹妹和我

My mother, my sister and I slept in the same bed.

睡在同一張床上

My mother was exhausted each night,

我的母親每天晚上都精疲力盡，

但我們會告訴彼此我們每天的生活，

but we told one another about our day

然後聽著我祖母

and listened to the movements of my grandmother around the house.

在房子裡移動的聲音。

我的母親飽受噩夢的困擾

My mother suffered from nightmares, all about the boat.

全來自於那船的事

And my job was to stay awake until her nightmares came

我的工作就是在她做噩夢時保持清醒

so I could wake her.

這樣我可以叫醒她。

她開了一間電腦商店

She opened a computer store,

然後學習成為美容師

then studied to be a beautician and opened another business.

開始經營其他的生意

And the women came with their stories

女人們會談論他們的故事

about men who could not make the transition,

有關男人們無法轉型，

會生氣而且無法溝通，

angry and inflexible,

and troubled children caught between two worlds.

並且讓孩子們卡在兩個世界中間。

有了贈款和贊助商

Grants and sponsors were sought.

Centers were established.

生意中心建立起來

我住在平行的世界裡

I lived in parallel worlds.

一方面，我是典型的亞洲學生

In one, I was the classic Asian student,

relentless in the demands that I made on myself.

堅韌的對自我要求。

In the other, I was enmeshed in lives that were precarious,

另一方面，我捲入在不穩定的生活裡

tragically scarred by violence, drug abuse and isolation.

悲劇式的在暴力、藥物濫用

和隔閡中被驚嚇。

But so many over the years were helped.

但多數的狀況在多年之後都有改善。

當我是法學院的應屆畢業生時，我因為這個改善的工作，

And for that work, when I was a final-year law student,

I was chosen as the Young Australian of the Year.

我被選為年度澳洲傑出青年。

And I was catapulted from one piece of the jigsaw to another,

我一舉從

從其中一片拼圖升到了另一片

and their edges didn't fit.

但這拼圖的邊緣不合

Tan Le，一位默默無聞的Footscray居民

Tan Le, anonymous Footscray resident,

現在，Tan Le, 是一個難民也是社會運動人士

was now Tan Le, refugee and social activist,

invited to speak in venues she had never heard of

受邀到她從沒聽過的發言場所

和到一般家庭，

and into homes whose existence she could never have imagined.

那裡頭的生活方式她無法想像。

我不懂外交禮節

I didn't know the protocols.

我不知道如何使用餐具

I didn't know how to use the cutlery.

我也不知道如何聊紅酒

I didn't know how to talk about wine.

I didn't know how to talk about anything.

我不知道如何開啟話題

I wanted to retreat to the routines and comfort

我想回到那個默默無聞的郊區

of life in an unsung suburb --

過著正常安逸的生活

a grandmother, a mother and two daughters

一位祖母、一位母親和兩個女兒

ending each day as they had for almost 20 years,

這二十年來每天用相同的方式結束每一天

告訴彼此各自的生活

telling one another the story of their day

然後睡去

and falling asleep, the three of us still in the same bed.

我們三個仍睡在同一張床上

我告訴我的母親，我無法再忍受了

I told my mother I couldn't do it.

She reminded me that I was now the same age she had been

她提醒我，我那時的年紀

就跟當時我們登上船時的她一樣大

when we boarded the boat.

"No" had never been an option.

拒絕從來就不是一個選項

「只要做就是了」，她說著，

"Just do it," she said,

"and don't be what you're not."

「然後別去當你不不想成為的人」

So I spoke out on youth unemployment and education

所以我替青年失業和教育

and the neglect of the marginalized and disenfranchised.

還有忽略弱勢和剝奪公民權的議題發聲

我越是坦率

And the more candidly I spoke, the more I was asked to speak.

我越有機會發言

我見過來自各行各業的人

I met people from all walks of life,

so many of them doing the thing they loved,

大部分的人都在從事自己所鐘愛的工作

或是在相關的領域裡過生活

living on the frontiers of possibility.

And even though I finished my degree,

即便我完成了學業

I realized I could not settle into a career in law.

我意識到我無法在法律界的工作被滿足

There had to be another piece of the jigsaw.

我的心裡需要有另一塊的拼圖

在此同時，我也意識到

And I realized, at the same time,

that it is OK to be an outsider,

當一個局外人是好的

身為新居民

a recent arrival,

new on the scene --

新來的人

and not just OK,

不只是還好而已

but something to be thankful for,

而是一個值得感恩的事

perhaps a gift from the boat.

也許這是來自那艘船的禮物

Because being an insider can so easily mean collapsing the horizons,

因為做為一個局內人

是很容易感受視野上的衝擊

是很容易

can so easily mean accepting the presumptions of your province.

接受自己預設好的情況

而我已經離開我的舒適區夠久

I have stepped outside my comfort zone enough now

to know that, yes, the world does fall apart,

所以了解，是的，世界的確分崩離析

但不是像我們害怕的那樣

but not in the way that you fear.

Possibilities that would not have been allowed

原先不被允許的那些可能性

被大肆鼓勵了

were outrageously encouraged.

這當中有力量

There was an energy there,

an implacable optimism,

一種終極的樂觀

a strange mixture of humility and daring.

是謙卑和大膽的特異組合

所以我跟著我的直覺

So I followed my hunches.

我從身旁的人找起，組成一個小團隊

I gathered around me a small team of people

for whom the label "It can't be done" was an irresistible challenge.

對他們而言「無法做到」這件事

是種無法抗拒的挑戰

For a year, we were penniless.

有一年的時間，我們身無分文

At the end of each day, I made a huge pot of soup

每天晚上，我煮了一大鍋的湯

我們全部一起分享

which we all shared.

每天晚上，我們盡情工作

We worked well into each night.

Most of our ideas were crazy,

我們大部分的想法都很瘋狂

but a few were brilliant,

但少部分是很出色的

and we broke through.

然後我們得到突破

I made the decision to move to the US after only one trip.

我做了決定，搬家到美國

在只有經過一次的旅行後

My hunches again.

我的直覺又來了

Three months later, I had relocated, and the adventure has continued.

在我搬家後的三個月

冒險持續

在我結束前

Before I close, though, let me tell you about my grandmother.

讓我告訴各位我祖母的事

她生長在一個

She grew up at a time when Confucianism was the social norm

社會以儒家思想為規範的年代

and the local mandarin was the person who mattered.

誰有權勢就是地方的父母官

幾個世紀以來，生活並沒有改變

Life hadn't changed for centuries.

她的父親在她出生後不久便去世了

Her father died soon after she was born.

Her mother raised her alone.

她的母親獨立撫養她

At 17, she became the second wife of a mandarin whose mother beat her.

當她十七歲時，成為一位有權勢的人的第二任妻子

她的婆婆會毆打她

With no support from her husband,

在沒有她的丈夫的支持下

她將她丈夫告上法庭而引起轟動

she caused a sensation by taking him to court

and prosecuting her own case,

並自訴了她的問題

and a far greater sensation when she won.

當她勝訴時獲得更大的迴響

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

(Applause)

(掌聲)

「無法做到」看來是錯的

"It can't be done" was shown to be wrong.

I was taking a shower in a hotel room in Sydney

當我我在雪梨下榻在飯店房間梳洗時

the moment she died,

她過世了

600 miles away, in Melbourne.

離墨爾本有六百哩遠

我看著淋浴間的玻璃

I looked through the shower screen and saw her standing on the other side.

看到她站在另一邊

I knew she had come to say goodbye.

我知道她是過來說聲再見的

我的母親幾分鐘之後打了電話過來

My mother phoned minutes later.

幾天過後

A few days later,

we went to a Buddhist temple in Footscray and sat around her casket.

我們到Footscray的佛教寺院去

坐在她的靈柩旁

我們告訴她故事

We told her stories and assured her that we were still with her.

確保她知道我們仍然陪伴著她

At midnight, the monk came and told us he had to close the casket.

半夜時，師父過來了

告訴我們他必須封棺了

My mother asked us to feel her hand.

我的母親要我們摸摸她的手

She asked the monk,

她問了師父

"Why is it that her hand is so warm and the rest of her is so cold?"

「為什麼她的手如此溫暖，

而她的身體卻如此冰冷？」

"Because you have been holding it since this morning," he said.

師父回答「因為你們從今天早上就一直握到現在」

"You have not let it go."

「你們還沒放下」

If there is a sinew in our family, it runs through the women.

如果我們的家庭有支柱的話

支柱都是女人們

我們是誰，生命又是如何塑造我們的

Given who we were and how life had shaped us,

我們現在知道

we can now see that the men that might have come into our lives

男人也許走進過我們的生命

would have thwarted us.

對我們造成挫折

Defeat would have come too easily.

失敗來的很容易

Now I would like to have my own children, and I wonder about the boat.

現在我會希望擁有自己的孩子

我會思考關於船的事

誰會希望自己一個人？

Who could ever wish it on their own?

雖然我害怕特權

Yet I am afraid of privilege,

輕鬆

of ease,

of entitlement.

以及應有的權利

Can I give them a bow in their lives, dipping bravely into each wave,

我是否能與他們一支弓，

讓他們能勇敢面對生命中每一個的波浪，

the unperturbed and steady beat of the engine,

給他們穩定不受干擾的生活支持嗎

那寬廣的海平面

the vast horizon that guarantees nothing?

不能保證任何事

我不知道

I don't know.

但如果能給

But if I could give it

and still see them safely through,

然後讓他們一切平安

我願意這麼做

I would.

(Applause)

(掌聲)

Trevor Neilson: Tan的母親今天也有來

Trevor Neilson: And also, Tan's mother is here today,

就坐在第四或第五排

in the fourth or fifth row.

(Applause)

(掌聲)