Why you should talk to strangers | Kio Stark

翻译人员: Diana Li 校对人员: Freakbill Huang

There are things we say

当我们看到一个陌生人

when we catch the eye of a stranger

或者一个邻居走过的时候，

or a neighbor walking by.

我们会寒暄几句。

We say, "Hello, how are you?

我们会说：“你好。最近怎么样？

It's a beautiful day.

今天天气很好。

How do you feel?"

你感觉怎么样？”

These sound kind of meaningless, right? And, in some ways, they are.

这些听起来并没有什么意义对吧？ 在一定程度上来说就是这样的。

They have no semantic meaning.

它们没有任何语义学上的意义。

It doesn't matter how you are or what the day is like.

与你今天的感觉或者 天气状况并没有什么直接关系。

They have something else.

它们带有其他意义。

They have social meaning.

它们拥有的是社交意义。

我们说那些话的时候传递的意思是：

What we mean when we say those things is:

I see you there.

我看到你了。

I'm obsessed with talking to strangers.

我热衷于与陌生人交谈，

I make eye contact, say hello,

我和他们进行眼神交流，语言交流，

I offer help, I listen.

我提供帮助，倾听他们。

I get all kinds of stories.

我从他们那里得到了各种各样的故事。

About seven years ago, I started documenting my experiences

大约七年前，我开始记录我的经历，

to try to figure out why.

希望借此找出这种喜好的原因。

What I found was that something really beautiful was going on.

我从中发现了一些很美好的东西，

This is almost poetic.

几乎称得上是颇具诗意。

These were really profound experiences.

这些都是含义深刻的经历。

They were unexpected pleasures.

是意想不到的的喜悦。

They were genuine emotional connections.

是真诚的情感联系。

They were liberating moments.

是释放自我的瞬间。

比如有一天，我站在街口等绿灯，

So one day, I was standing on a corner waiting for the light to change,

which, I'm a New Yorker,

我是一个纽约客，

so that means I was actually standing in the street on the storm drain,

所以那意味着我实际上 是站在马路边的雨篦子上，

as if that could get me across faster.

就好像我因此能够快一些过马路一样。

And there's an old man standing next to me.

我身边站了一个老年人，

So he's wearing, like, a long overcoat and sort of an old-man hat,

他穿着一件长大衣，戴着一顶老年帽，

and he looked like somebody from a movie.

看起来就像是从电影里走出来的。

And he says to me,

他对我说，

"Don't stand there. You might disappear."

“不要站在那里，你可能会消失的。”

So this is absurd, right?

这听起来很荒谬，是吧？

But I did what he said. I stepped back onto the sidewalk.

但是我照他说的做了。 向后退了一步回到人行道上。

And he smiled, and he said,

他对我微笑了一下，然后说：

"Good. You never know.

”很好，谁知道呢，

I might have turned around,

可能我转个身，

and zoop, you're gone."

然后嗖的一下你就消失了。“

This was weird,

这听起来怪怪的，

and also really wonderful.

但却让我感觉特别好。

He was so warm, and he was so happy that he'd saved me.

他是那么热情， 并且因为“挽救”了我而感觉那么开心。

We had this little bond.

我们建立起了小小的联系。

For a minute, I felt like my existence as a person

有那么一会儿，我觉得我的存在

had been noticed,

被人注意到了，

and I was worth saving.

并且我是值得被拯救的。

但让人遗憾的是，

The really sad thing is,

in many parts of the world,

在世界的很多地方，

we're raised to believe that strangers are dangerous by default,

我们受到的教育让我们相信， 陌生人都是危险的，

that we can't trust them, that they might hurt us.

我们不能相信他们， 因为他们可能会伤害到我们。

But most strangers aren't dangerous.

但是大多数陌生人并不危险。

We're uneasy around them because we have no context.

我们在他们身边会感到不安， 是因为不了解他们的背景。

We don't know what their intentions are.

我们不知道他们的意图何在。

So instead of using our perceptions and making choices,

所以我们依赖于“陌生人”这个范畴，

we rely on this category of "stranger."

而不是自己的觉察力和决策力。

我有一个四岁的小孩。

I have a four-year-old.

When I say hello to people on the street,

当我在路上与别人打招呼时，

she asks me why.

她问我为什么要这样做。

She says, "Do we know them?"

她问：“我们认识他们吗？”

I say, "No, they're our neighbor."

我说：”不，他们是邻居。“

"Are they our friend?"

她问：“他们是我们的朋友吗？”

"No, it's just good to be friendly."

我回答：“不，但是我们应该为人友善。”

I think twice every time I say that to her,

每当我对她这样说的时候， 我都会反复思量，

because I mean it, but as a woman, particularly,

因为我真的是这样认为的, 然而作为一名女性，

I know that not every stranger on the street has the best intentions.

我尤其知道并不是 每一个陌生人都有好的企图。

It is good to be friendly, and it's good to learn when not to be,

对别人友善是好的， 而学习判断何时不该这样也是对的，

but none of that means we have to be afraid.

但不管哪一种， 都不意味着我们要对他们心怀恐惧。

There are two huge benefits

依靠感觉而不是恐惧

to using our senses instead of our fears.

可以为我们带来两个巨大的好处。

第一个好处在于， 这样做能够使我们解放自我。

The first one is that it liberates us.

When you think about it,

想一下，

using perception instead of categories

依赖自己的觉察力 而不是已有的“陌生人”范畴，

is much easier said than done.

的确是说起来容易做起来难。

Categories are something our brains use.

分类是我们大脑惯用的伎俩。

When it comes to people,

对于人这一分类来说，

it's sort of a shortcut for learning about them.

这对学习了解他们 是某种意义上的捷径。

We see male, female, young, old,

我们看到男性、女性、年轻人、老年人、

black, brown, white, stranger, friend,

黑种人、黄种人、白种人、陌生人、朋友……

and we use the information in that box.

然后我们就运用在那一分类之下的信息。

这种方法很快捷，很简单，

It's quick, it's easy

and it's a road to bias.

也同时带来了偏见。

这意味着我们没有 把人们看作单独的个体。

And it means we're not thinking about people as individuals.

I know an American researcher who travels frequently

我认识一位经常在中亚和非洲

独自旅行的美国研究员。

in Central Asia and Africa, alone.

She's entering into towns and cities

她进入那些城镇的时候

as a complete stranger.

是完完全全的陌生人。

She has no bonds, no connections.

她和别人没有任何联系。

She's a foreigner.

就是一个外国人。

Her survival strategy is this:

她的生存法则是：

get one stranger to see you as a real, individual person.

让一个陌生人把你当作 一个真实存在的独立个体。

If you can do that, it'll help other people see you that way, too.

如果你能做到这样， 其他人也就能够通过这种方式注意到你。

The second benefit of using our senses has to do with intimacy.

凭自己感觉的 另外一个好处与亲密感有关。

我知道把陌生人和亲密感放到一起

I know it sounds a little counterintuitive,

intimacy and strangers,

听起来有些有悖直觉，

but these quick interactions can lead to a feeling

但是这些快速的互动可以带来一种

that sociologists call "fleeting intimacy."

被社会学家们称作“短暂亲密”的感觉。

So, it's a brief experience that has emotional resonance and meaning.

所以这是一段 有情感共鸣和意义的短暂经历。

It's the good feeling I got

这就是那位老人将我

from being saved from the death trap of the storm drain by the old man,

从雨篦子的“死亡陷阱”中“拯救”出来之后， 我得到的那种美妙的感觉；

or how I feel like part of a community

或者是在我乘火车上班与别人交谈时

when I talk to somebody on my train on the way to work.

感觉自己是社群的一份子。

Sometimes it goes further.

有时候还会更进一步。

Researchers have found that people often feel more comfortable

研究表明，人们通常对陌生人

being honest and open about their inner selves with strangers

敞开心扉相比对家人和朋友

要更容易一些——

than they do with their friends and their families --

that they often feel more understood by strangers.

人们经常觉得更容易被陌生人理解。

This gets reported in the media with great lament.

媒体十分悲观地报道了这一发现，

将其称作： “陌生人之间的交流要好过配偶之间！”

"Strangers communicate better than spouses!"

It's a good headline, right?

这标题很抢眼，不是吗？

I think it entirely misses the point.

但我觉得他们完全没有抓住关键点。

The important thing about these studies

研究的核心是

陌生人之间的互动有多重要；

is just how significant these interactions can be;

how this special form of closeness

这种特殊的亲近能够提供我们

gives us something we need as much as we need our friends

所需要的东西，就像我们需要朋友

and our families.

或者家人一样。

So how is it possible that we communicate so well with strangers?

那么为什么我们和 陌生人能交流得如此顺畅呢？

There are two reasons.

这当中有两个原因。

The first one is that it's a quick interaction.

其一在于这是一个快速的互动，

It has no consequences.

并不会涉及到任何后果。

It's easy to be honest with someone you're never going to see again, right?

对以后再也不会见到的人 坦诚相见并没有特别难，对吧？

That makes sense.

这样说得通。

第二个理由要有趣得多。

The second reason is where it gets more interesting.

We have a bias when it comes to people we're close to.

我们对亲近的人存在偏见。

We expect them to understand us.

我们期待他们理解我们。

We assume they do,

我们默认得到了他们的理解，

and we expect them to read our minds.

也期待他们会站在我们的角度思考。

So imagine you're at a party,

假设你在参加派对，

and you can't believe that your friend or your spouse

你无法接受你的朋友，或者是配偶，

isn't picking up on it that you want to leave early.

竟然没有注意到你想要早点离开。

And you're thinking,

你会想，

"I gave you the look."

“我向你使过眼色了。“

With a stranger, we have to start from scratch.

对待陌生人的时候， 我们就需要从零开始。

We tell the whole story,

我们要讲清前因后果，

we explain who the people are, how we feel about them;

我们会解释都有哪些人， 以及我们对他们的看法；

we spell out all the inside jokes.

我们会解释清楚笑点在哪里。

And guess what?

猜猜结果是什么？

Sometimes they do understand us a little better.

有时候他们确实能更好的理解我们。

OK.

好的。

So now that we know that talking to strangers matters,

现在我们知道与陌生人的交流关系重大，

how does it work?

但是为什么会这样呢？

There are unwritten rules we tend to follow.

我们会遵循一些约定俗成的规矩，

The rules are very different depending on what country you're in,

这些规矩会因为

你所在的国家和文化背景有所差异。

what culture you're in.

In most parts of the US,

在美国大多数地方，

the baseline expectation in public

公共交流的底线是

is that we maintain a balance between civility and privacy.

我们要维持礼貌和隐私的平衡。

This is known as civil inattention.

也就是我们说的“礼节性疏忽”。

So, imagine two people are walking towards each other on the street.

想象两个人在街道上面对面走近。

They'll glance at each other from a distance.

他们会远距离观察对方。

That's the civility, the acknowledgment.

这是礼节，是对他人的认可。

And then as they get closer, they'll look away,

但是随着他们走近彼此，他们会移开视线，

to give each other some space.

目的就是给对方一些个人空间。

In other cultures,

在其他文化中，

people go to extraordinary lengths not to interact at all.

人们会尽力避免跟其他人有任何接触。

People from Denmark tell me

丹麦的朋友告诉我，

that many Danes are so averse to talking to strangers,

很多丹麦人不愿意和陌生人讲话，

that they would rather miss their stop on the bus

以至于他们宁愿坐过站

than say "excuse me" to someone that they need to get around.

也不愿意对别人说“接过”， 好腾出地方让自己下车。

Instead, there's this elaborate shuffling of bags

他们只会通过故意移动背包

and using your body to say that you need to get past,

和肢体语言来告诉别人他们需要借过，

instead of using two words.

而不是用简单的两个单词。

In Egypt, I'm told,

在埃及，有人告诉我，

无视陌生人是十分没有礼貌的做法，

it's rude to ignore a stranger,

and there's a remarkable culture of hospitality.

并且有很多关于友善的文化。

Strangers might ask each other for a sip of water.

陌生人之间可以分享饮用水，

Or, if you ask someone for directions,

或者如果你向当地人问路，

they're very likely to invite you home for coffee.

他们很有可能会邀请你到家里喝杯咖啡。

We see these unwritten rules most clearly when they're broken,

只有当这些规矩被打破的时候，

or when you're in a new place

或者我们在新环境中想要入乡随俗，

and you're trying to figure out what the right thing to do is.

才会注意到这些本来习以为常的规矩。

Sometimes breaking the rules a little bit is where the action is.

有时候稍微破坏一下规矩 就可以发现正确的举动。

In case it's not clear, I really want you to do this. OK?

万一正确的举动并不是那么明确， 我很希望你们能这样做。

So here's how it's going to go.

可以试着这样寻求帮助。

Find somebody who is making eye contact.

找一个和你在进行眼神交流的人。

That's a good signal.

有眼神交流是一个很好的信号。

The first thing is a simple smile.

你首先要做的是微微一笑。

If you're passing somebody on the street or in the hallway here, smile.

如果你在街道上或是走廊里与人擦肩而过， 微笑一下，

See what happens.

看看会发生什么。

Another is triangulation.

另外要做的一件事是三角评估。

There's you, there's a stranger,

在这个三角形中有你，一个陌生人，

there's some third thing that you both might see and comment on,

以及一件你们都能看到或者评价的物品，

like a piece of public art

比如说一件艺术展品，

or somebody preaching in the street

或者是在街道上传教的人，

or somebody wearing funny clothes.

或者是衣着滑稽的人。

Give it a try.

试试看。

Make a comment about that third thing, and see if starts a conversation.

对第三件事情稍加点评， 看能不能开始一段对话。

Another is what I call noticing.

另外个技巧我称它为"关注"。

This is usually giving a compliment.

一般在这种情况下要赞美别人。

I'm a big fan of noticing people's shoes.

我十分注意别人的鞋子，

I'm actually not wearing fabulous shoes right now,

虽然我现在并没有穿特别抢眼的鞋子，

但是总的来说，鞋子都是很棒的。

but shoes are fabulous in general.

And they're pretty neutral as far as giving compliments goes.

而且一般在赞美的时候 都是比较中立的着眼点。

People always want to tell you things about their awesome shoes.

人们总是愿意就他们的靓鞋多聊几句。

You may have already experienced the dogs and babies principle.

你可能已经体会过了 爱犬原则或者是婴儿原则。

It can be awkward to talk to someone on the street;

和街道上的陌生人聊天可能会很尴尬——

you don't know how they're going to respond.

你不知道他们会怎么回应你。

但你总是可以 对他们的宠物狗或者是小孩讲话。

But you can always talk to their dog or their baby.

The dog or the baby

宠物狗或者是小孩

is a social conduit to the person,

就是那个人的社交引线。

and you can tell by how they respond

通过他们的反应，你可以判断出

whether they're open to talking more.

他们是不是愿意多聊几句。

我最后想要挑战各位的一点是关于

The last one I want to challenge you to

is disclosure.

能否开诚布公。

This is a very vulnerable thing to do,

这是非常示弱的行为，

and it can be very rewarding.

但同时也会带给你极大的回馈。

So next time you're talking to a stranger

所以下一次，当你自在地与

陌生人聊天的时候，

and you feel comfortable,

tell them something true about yourself,

告诉他们一些真实的事情，

something really personal.

说一些很私人的话题。

You might have that experience I talked about of feeling understood.

你可能会感受到 我提到的那种被理解的感觉。

Sometimes in conversation, it comes up,

有时在交谈的时候，有人问我：

people ask me, "What does your dad do?" or, "Where does he live?"

“你爸爸是做什么的？” 或者“他住在哪里？”

And sometimes I tell them the whole truth,

有时候我会对他们完完全全讲真话，

which is that he died when I was a kid.

也就是我爸爸在我小的时候就去世了。

Always in those moments,

每当那种时刻，

they share their own experiences of loss.

他们也会向我分享 他们过世的亲人的故事。

We tend to meet disclosure with disclosure,

一般来说，人们愿意彼此敞开心扉，

even with strangers.

对陌生人也不例外。

So, here it is.

所以总的来说，

When you talk to strangers, you're making beautiful interruptions

当你在与陌生人聊天的时候， 你通过介绍自己的经历，

into the expected narrative of your daily life

对自己和别人的生活进行了

and theirs.

非常美妙的打扰。

You're making unexpected connections.

你们建立起了未曾预料过的联系。

If you don't talk to strangers, you're missing out on all of that.

如果你不与陌生人交谈， 你就错过了所有那些美好的经历。

We spend a lot of time

我们花费了很长时间

teaching our children about strangers.

教导我们的孩子如何对待陌生人。

What would happen if we spent more time teaching ourselves?

如果我们能花更多时间教教自己呢？

We could reject all the ideas that make us so suspicious of each other.

我们能够终止无数的猜忌。

We could make a space for change.

我们能够创造一个改变的空间。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）