Why you should talk to strangers | Kio Stark

譯者: 易帆 余

There are things we say

當我們與陌生人有眼神接觸

when we catch the eye of a stranger

或者鄰居走過來的時候，

or a neighbor walking by.

我們會跟他們寒暄幾句。

We say, "Hello, how are you?

我們會說：「你好，最近怎麽樣？

今天天氣真好。

It's a beautiful day.

How do you feel?"

你感覺怎麽樣啊？」

These sound kind of meaningless, right? And, in some ways, they are.

這些話聽上去沒有什麽意義，對吧？ 從某種角度來說，是的。

They have no semantic meaning.

它們沒有任何語義上的意思，

It doesn't matter how you are or what the day is like.

跟你今天感覺好不好與 天氣狀況並沒有什麽直接關係。

They have something else.

它們帶有其它意義。

They have social meaning.

它們有社交上的意義。

當我們說這些客套話時， 真正要傳遞的意思是：

What we mean when we say those things is:

I see you there.

我看到你了。

I'm obsessed with talking to strangers.

我熱愛和陌生人聊天。

我會和他們進行眼神交流、說聲你好，

I make eye contact, say hello,

I offer help, I listen.

我會提供幫助，傾聽他們的聲音。

I get all kinds of stories.

我會聽到各式各樣的故事。

About seven years ago, I started documenting my experiences

大約七年前，我開始記錄我的經歷，

希望借此找出我熱愛的原因。

to try to figure out why.

What I found was that something really beautiful was going on.

我從中發現了一些很美好的東西，

This is almost poetic.

相當有詩意。

These were really profound experiences.

有非常深刻的體會，

They were unexpected pleasures.

有不期而遇的快樂，

They were genuine emotional connections.

有真誠的情感連結，

They were liberating moments.

有如釋負重的瞬間。

比如有一天，我站在街口等綠燈，

So one day, I was standing on a corner waiting for the light to change,

which, I'm a New Yorker,

我是紐約人，

so that means I was actually standing in the street on the storm drain,

所以那意味著我實際上 是站在路邊的暴雨排水孔上，

as if that could get me across faster.

好像這樣我可以快點穿越馬路。

我身邊站了一位老年人。

And there's an old man standing next to me.

So he's wearing, like, a long overcoat and sort of an old-man hat,

他穿著一件長大衣，戴著一頂老年帽，

and he looked like somebody from a movie.

看起來就像是從電影裏走出來的。

他對我説，

And he says to me,

"Don't stand there. You might disappear."

「別站在那裏，你可能會消失。」

這聽起來點無俚頭，對吧？

So this is absurd, right?

But I did what he said. I stepped back onto the sidewalk.

但是我還是按照他的話做， 我向後退了一步回到人行道上。

And he smiled, and he said,

他微笑著對我説，

"Good. You never know.

「很好，你永遠不知道，

I might have turned around,

說不定可能我一轉身，

and zoop, you're gone."

然後嗖的一下，你就不見了。」

This was weird,

這對話超怪的，

and also really wonderful.

但卻讓我感覺很美好。

他人真好，他也很高興他能救我。

He was so warm, and he was so happy that he'd saved me.

We had this little bond.

我們有了小小的火花。

For a minute, I felt like my existence as a person

有那麽一會兒，我覺得我的存在

被人注意到了，

had been noticed,

and I was worth saving.

並且我是值得被拯救的。

但讓人遺憾的是，

The really sad thing is,

in many parts of the world,

世界上很多地方，

we're raised to believe that strangers are dangerous by default,

從小就教育我們，陌生人是危險的，

that we can't trust them, that they might hurt us.

我們不能相信陌生人， 他們可能會傷害我們。

But most strangers aren't dangerous.

但大多數陌生人都不是危險的。

We're uneasy around them because we have no context.

我們感到不安是因爲 我們不瞭解他們的背景。

We don't know what their intentions are.

不瞭解他們的意圖。

我們依賴從小對「陌生人」的刻板印象

So instead of using our perceptions and making choices,

we rely on this category of "stranger."

而不是用覺察力及選擇能力 來與陌生人接觸。

我有個四歲的孩子。

I have a four-year-old.

When I say hello to people on the street,

當我在路上與別人打招呼時，

she asks me why.

她問我為什麽要這樣做。

She says, "Do we know them?"

她問我：「我們認識他們嗎？」

I say, "No, they're our neighbor."

我説，「不，他們是我們的鄰居。」

"Are they our friend?"

「他們是我們的朋友嗎？」

"No, it's just good to be friendly."

「不是，但為人友善總是好的。」

I think twice every time I say that to her,

每當我對她這樣說的時候， 我都會反覆思考，

因為我真的是這樣認為的， 但特別是身爲女性的我，

because I mean it, but as a woman, particularly,

I know that not every stranger on the street has the best intentions.

我知道不是每個在街上 的陌生人都心存善意。

It is good to be friendly, and it's good to learn when not to be,

對人友好固然好， 但也要知道什麽時候不適合，

but none of that means we have to be afraid.

但我們不需時時都害怕。

There are two huge benefits

依靠感覺而不是恐懼

to using our senses instead of our fears.

可以為我們帶來兩個好處。

第一，可以讓我們釋放。

The first one is that it liberates us.

When you think about it,

請想一想，

using perception instead of categories

應用自己的覺察力而不是刻板印象

説起來容易，做起來難。

is much easier said than done.

Categories are something our brains use.

我們的大腦會自動把人分門別類。

When it comes to people,

一旦涉及到人，如果我們想了解他們

it's sort of a shortcut for learning about them.

直接把他們分類，是最簡短的捷徑。

We see male, female, young, old,

我們把男人、女人、年輕人、老人，

black, brown, white, stranger, friend,

黑種人、黃種人、白種人、陌生人、朋友，

and we use the information in that box.

放進預設好的印象裡。

這樣很方便、簡單

It's quick, it's easy

and it's a road to bias.

但也同時帶來了偏見。

意思就是，我們沒有 把對方看作是單獨的個體。

And it means we're not thinking about people as individuals.

I know an American researcher who travels frequently

我認識一位經常在中亞和非洲

獨自旅行的美國研究員。

in Central Asia and Africa, alone.

She's entering into towns and cities

她進入那些城鎮的時候

as a complete stranger.

是完完全全的陌生人。

She has no bonds, no connections.

她和別人沒有任何交集。

就是一個外國人。

She's a foreigner.

Her survival strategy is this:

她的求生之道是這樣的：

get one stranger to see you as a real, individual person.

讓一個陌生人把你當作 一個實質存在的獨立個體。

If you can do that, it'll help other people see you that way, too.

如果你能做到這一點， 其他人也會用同樣的方式看你。

The second benefit of using our senses has to do with intimacy.

運用自己的感覺的第二個個好處 與親密感有關。

我知道把陌生人和親密感放在一起

I know it sounds a little counterintuitive,

intimacy and strangers,

聽起來有點違背直覺的感覺，

but these quick interactions can lead to a feeling

但是這些快速的互動會帶來一種

that sociologists call "fleeting intimacy."

被社會學家們稱作「短暫親密」的感覺。

So, it's a brief experience that has emotional resonance and meaning.

所以這是一段 有情感共鳴和意義的短暫經歷。

It's the good feeling I got

這就是那位老人將我從 排水道的「死亡陷阱」中拯救出來之後，

from being saved from the death trap of the storm drain by the old man,

我所得到的溫暖感覺，

or how I feel like part of a community

或是在上下班的火車上

與人交流時的歸屬感。

when I talk to somebody on my train on the way to work.

Sometimes it goes further.

有時候還會更進一步。

Researchers have found that people often feel more comfortable

研究表明，人們在對陌生人敞開心扉時

being honest and open about their inner selves with strangers

比對家人和朋友敞開心扉

要更真誠、舒服些——

than they do with their friends and their families --

他們經常覺得陌生人 比家人朋友更懂自己。

that they often feel more understood by strangers.

媒體不喜歡這樣直白的報導，

This gets reported in the media with great lament.

他們會改成，「與陌生人交流 比你與另一半交流舒服！」

"Strangers communicate better than spouses!"

It's a good headline, right?

這樣的文章標題很搶眼，不是嗎？

I think it entirely misses the point.

但我覺得他們完全沒有抓住重點。

The important thing about these studies

這些研究的重點是

這種擦肩而過的互動是很重要的；

is just how significant these interactions can be;

how this special form of closeness

這種特殊的親密關係

gives us something we need as much as we need our friends

能夠提供我們

與家人和朋友互動時一樣的東西。

and our families.

So how is it possible that we communicate so well with strangers?

問題來了，為什麽我們和 陌生人能交流得如此順暢呢？

There are two reasons.

原因有兩個。

The first one is that it's a quick interaction.

第一，它只是短暫的接觸，

It has no consequences.

並不會涉及到任何後果。

對以後再也不會見到的人 坦誠相見並不會特別難，對吧？

It's easy to be honest with someone you're never going to see again, right?

That makes sense.

道理就這麼簡單。

第二個原因就更有趣了。

The second reason is where it gets more interesting.

我們對親近的人存在偏見。

We have a bias when it comes to people we're close to.

We expect them to understand us.

我們期待他們理解我們。

We assume they do,

我們會預設他們真得懂我們，

and we expect them to read our minds.

並期待他們能知道我腦子裡裝什麼。

So imagine you're at a party,

想像你正在參加一個派對，

你完全不能相信，你的朋友或另一半

and you can't believe that your friend or your spouse

isn't picking up on it that you want to leave early.

不能感受到你想早點離開的原因。

And you're thinking,

你可能會想，

"I gave you the look."

「我早就用眼神告訴你了啊！」

With a stranger, we have to start from scratch.

跟一個陌生人，我們要從頭開始。

We tell the whole story,

我們會講述整個故事，

we explain who the people are, how we feel about them;

我們會解釋那裏有哪些人， 我們對那些人有什麽想法；

we spell out all the inside jokes.

我們會解釋清楚他們在笑什麼。

And guess what?

你猜怎麽樣？

Sometimes they do understand us a little better.

有時陌生人確實更了解我們。

好吧。

OK.

So now that we know that talking to strangers matters,

現在我們知道與陌生人交流很重要，

how does it work?

那要怎麽做呢？

There are unwritten rules we tend to follow.

我們一般會遵循一些不成文的規矩。

The rules are very different depending on what country you're in,

這些不成文的規矩與你所處的國家、

what culture you're in.

所處的文化息息相關。

在美國大多數地方，

In most parts of the US,

the baseline expectation in public

互相交流的底線是

is that we maintain a balance between civility and privacy.

我們要維持禮貌和隱私的平衡。

This is known as civil inattention.

這就是所謂的「禮貌性的不在意」。

So, imagine two people are walking towards each other on the street.

想像一下，兩個人在街上相向而行。

他們會從遠方交流一下眼神。

They'll glance at each other from a distance.

That's the civility, the acknowledgment.

這就是禮貌，表示注意到對方的存在。

And then as they get closer, they'll look away,

但是隨著他們走近彼此，他們會移開視線，

to give each other some space.

目的就是給對方一些個人空間。

在有些文化中，

In other cultures,

people go to extraordinary lengths not to interact at all.

人們會盡力避免與他人的互動。

People from Denmark tell me

丹麥人告訴我，

that many Danes are so averse to talking to strangers,

他們非常不願意和陌生人聊天，

that they would rather miss their stop on the bus

他們甚至寧願坐過站，

than say "excuse me" to someone that they need to get around.

也不願跟擋著路的人說聲「借過」。

他們會刻意挪動背包

Instead, there's this elaborate shuffling of bags

and using your body to say that you need to get past,

並移動一下身體，

instead of using two words.

來表達「借過」這句話。

在埃及，有人告訴我，

In Egypt, I'm told,

it's rude to ignore a stranger,

忽視陌生人是不禮貌的，

埃及的好客文化相當了不起。

and there's a remarkable culture of hospitality.

Strangers might ask each other for a sip of water.

陌生人之間可以互相要一口水喝。

Or, if you ask someone for directions,

如果你向一個埃及人問路，

他們很可能會邀請你去家裡喝杯咖啡。

they're very likely to invite you home for coffee.

We see these unwritten rules most clearly when they're broken,

只有當這些不成文規定被打破的時候，

or when you're in a new place

或者當你去到一個新地方，

and you're trying to figure out what the right thing to do is.

想要知道怎樣做才對的時候， 這些規矩才會被注意到。

Sometimes breaking the rules a little bit is where the action is.

有時候稍微破壞一下規矩 就知道眉角在哪裡了。

In case it's not clear, I really want you to do this. OK?

萬一你還不清楚， 我很希望各位可以這樣做，好嗎？

So here's how it's going to go.

讓我來告訴你該怎麼做。

Find somebody who is making eye contact.

當你發現有人和你有眼神上的交流，

That's a good signal.

眼神交流就是一個很好的信號。

The first thing is a simple smile.

你首先要做的就是微微一笑。

If you're passing somebody on the street or in the hallway here, smile.

如果你在街上或者走廊上 路過一個人，微笑一下，

See what happens.

看看會發生什麼。

另外要做的一件事是三角評估。

Another is triangulation.

There's you, there's a stranger,

你和陌生人各自是一個角，

there's some third thing that you both might see and comment on,

第三角是你們共同所見的事物， 你們可以聊一聊對它的見解，

比如說一件公共藝術品，

like a piece of public art

或是一個在街上傳道的人，

or somebody preaching in the street

or somebody wearing funny clothes.

或者一個穿了奇裝異服的人。

Give it a try.

試著和陌生人搭話。

Make a comment about that third thing, and see if starts a conversation.

對「第三方事物」發表評論， 看看能不能和陌生人展開對話。

Another is what I call noticing.

另外一個， 我把它稱為「關注」。

This is usually giving a compliment.

一般在這種情況下是要讚美別人。

我很喜歡看別人的鞋子。

I'm a big fan of noticing people's shoes.

I'm actually not wearing fabulous shoes right now,

雖然我今天並沒有穿美美的鞋子來，

但是總的來說，鞋子都是很棒的。

but shoes are fabulous in general.

And they're pretty neutral as far as giving compliments goes.

而且鞋子的話，怎麼誇讚 都不會顯得很奇怪。

People always want to tell you things about their awesome shoes.

人們總是願意就他們的靚鞋多聊幾句。

You may have already experienced the dogs and babies principle.

你可能已經體會過了 狗狗原則或者是嬰兒原則。

It can be awkward to talk to someone on the street;

有時候和街上偶遇的路人聊天 可能會陷入尷尬；

you don't know how they're going to respond.

你無法預測他們會怎麼回應你。

但你總是可以 對他們的狗狗或者是小孩講話。

But you can always talk to their dog or their baby.

The dog or the baby

狗狗或者是小孩，

is a social conduit to the person,

就是那個人的社交引線。

而且你還可以透過他們的回應，

and you can tell by how they respond

來判斷他們是否願意讓談話深入下去。

whether they're open to talking more.

我最後想要挑戰各位的一點是關於

The last one I want to challenge you to

is disclosure.

能否開誠布公。

This is a very vulnerable thing to do,

雖然這是非常示弱的行為，

and it can be very rewarding.

但同時也會帶給你極大的回饋。

所以下一次，當你跟陌生人聊天

So next time you're talking to a stranger

and you feel comfortable,

感覺很自在的時候，

tell them something true about yourself,

和他們聊一些你的真實經歷，

something really personal.

聊一些很私人的事情。

你可能會感受到我所說的 那種被人理解的感覺。

You might have that experience I talked about of feeling understood.

Sometimes in conversation, it comes up,

有時候在和別人的聊天中，

people ask me, "What does your dad do?" or, "Where does he live?"

人們會問我，「你父親是做什麼的？」 或者，「他住在哪裡？」

And sometimes I tell them the whole truth,

有時我會坦白地告訴他們，

which is that he died when I was a kid.

我的父親在我小時候就去世了。

Always in those moments,

每當那種時刻，

they share their own experiences of loss.

人們也會和我分享 他們失去親友的故事。

We tend to meet disclosure with disclosure,

一般來說，人們都很願意 互相敞開心扉聊天，

even with strangers.

對陌生人也不例外。

So, here it is.

所以總的來說，

When you talk to strangers, you're making beautiful interruptions

當你和陌生人說話， 你是在為你和陌生人

into the expected narrative of your daily life

那一成不變的生活，

and theirs.

創造美好的機遇。

You're making unexpected connections.

你是在創造不期而遇的聯結。

If you don't talk to strangers, you're missing out on all of that.

如果你不與陌生人交談， 你就錯過那些美好的經歷。

We spend a lot of time

我們花了很長時間，

teaching our children about strangers.

來教導我們的孩子怎樣應對陌生人。

What would happen if we spent more time teaching ourselves?

如果我們能花更多時間教教自己呢？

We could reject all the ideas that make us so suspicious of each other.

我們能夠終止無數的猜忌，

We could make a space for change.

並為彼此帶來改變的空間。

謝謝。

Thank you.

(Applause)

（掌聲）