Why you should talk to strangers | Kio Stark

Prevoditelj: Anja Kolobarić Recezent: Nedžad Neziri

There are things we say

Postoje stvari koje kažemo

when we catch the eye of a stranger

kada uhvatimo pogled stranca

or a neighbor walking by.

ili susjeda.

We say, "Hello, how are you?

Kažemo: Bok, kako si?

It's a beautiful day.

Prekrasan je dan.

How do you feel?"

Jesi li dobro?

These sound kind of meaningless, right? And, in some ways, they are.

Ovakve rečenice zvuče beznačajno jer to i jesu, na neki način.

They have no semantic meaning.

Nemaju semantičko značenje.

It doesn't matter how you are or what the day is like.

Nije važno kako ste ili kakav je dan.

They have something else.

Ali imaju nešto drugo -

They have social meaning.

društveno značenje.

What we mean when we say those things is:

Kada kažemo nešto poput toga, zapravo želimo reći:

I see you there.

primjećujem te.

I'm obsessed with talking to strangers.

Opsjednuta sam razgovaranjem sa strancima.

I make eye contact, say hello,

Uspostavim kontakt očima, pozdravim ih,

I offer help, I listen.

ponudim pomoć, slušam.

I get all kinds of stories.

Svačega se naslušam.

About seven years ago, I started documenting my experiences

Prije sedam godina počela sam dokumentirati svoja iskustva

to try to figure out why.

kako bih saznala zašto.

What I found was that something really beautiful was going on.

Otkrila sam da se događa nešto predivno.

This is almost poetic.

Gotovo poetski.

These were really profound experiences.

Bila su to doista duboka iskustva,

They were unexpected pleasures.

neočekivani izvori zadovoljstva,

They were genuine emotional connections.

prave emocionalne veze,

They were liberating moments.

trenutci oslobođenja.

So one day, I was standing on a corner waiting for the light to change,

Jednog dana stajala sam na uglu i čekala zeleno svjetlo na semaforu,

which, I'm a New Yorker,

a kako sam Njujorčanka,

so that means I was actually standing in the street on the storm drain,

to znači da sam zapravo stajala na šahtu,

as if that could get me across faster.

kao da ću zbog toga manje čekati.

And there's an old man standing next to me.

Do mene je stajao stariji čovjek

So he's wearing, like, a long overcoat and sort of an old-man hat,

u dugom kaputu i šeširu koji nose starija gospoda.

and he looked like somebody from a movie.

Izgledao je kao da je ispao iz nekog filma

And he says to me,

i rekao mi je:

"Don't stand there. You might disappear."

Nemojte tu stajati, mogli biste nestati.

So this is absurd, right?

Apsurdno, zar ne?

But I did what he said. I stepped back onto the sidewalk.

Ali poslušala sam ga i vratila se na pločnik.

And he smiled, and he said,

Nasmiješio se i rekao:

"Good. You never know.

Tako, nikad ne znate.

I might have turned around,

Što da sam se okrenuo

and zoop, you're gone."

i opa - više vas nema?

This was weird,

Bilo je to čudno iskustvo,

and also really wonderful.

ali i pomalo krasno.

He was so warm, and he was so happy that he'd saved me.

Bio je tako srdačan i tako sretan što me spasio.

We had this little bond.

Povezali smo se.

For a minute, I felt like my existence as a person

Osjećala sam se kao da je moje postojanje

had been noticed,

napokon primijećeno

and I was worth saving.

i da zaslužujem biti spašena.

The really sad thing is,

Tužno je

in many parts of the world,

kako nas u mnogim dijelovima svijeta

we're raised to believe that strangers are dangerous by default,

uče da su stranci općenito opasni,

that we can't trust them, that they might hurt us.

da im ne možemo vjerovati i da bi nam mogli nauditi.

But most strangers aren't dangerous.

No, većina stranaca nije opasna.

We're uneasy around them because we have no context.

Neugodno nam je u njihovu društvu jer nam nedostaje kontekst.

We don't know what their intentions are.

Ne znamo kakve su im namjere,

So instead of using our perceptions and making choices,

pa umjesto da odlučujemo na temelju naših opažanja,

we rely on this category of "stranger."

oslanjamo se na kategoriju stranca.

I have a four-year-old.

Imam četverogodišnju djevojčicu.

When I say hello to people on the street,

Kada pozdravljam ljude na ulici,

she asks me why.

pita me zašto to radim.

She says, "Do we know them?"

Pita me znamo li ih.

I say, "No, they're our neighbor."

Kažem: ne, to nam je susjed.

"Are they our friend?"

Upita: je li nam prijatelj?

"No, it's just good to be friendly."

Odgovaram: ne, ali lijepo je biti pristojan.

I think twice every time I say that to her,

Svaki put dvaput razmislim kad joj to kažem

because I mean it, but as a woman, particularly,

jer to zaista mislim, ali ako ste žena,

I know that not every stranger on the street has the best intentions.

znam da nema svaki stranac s ulice najbolje namjere.

It is good to be friendly, and it's good to learn when not to be,

Lijepo je biti pristojan i lijepo je znati kada to ne moramo biti,

but none of that means we have to be afraid.

ali to ne znači da se moramo bojati.

There are two huge benefits

Možemo izvući dvije velike koristi

to using our senses instead of our fears.

oslanjanjem na osjetila umjesto na strah.

The first one is that it liberates us.

Prva - oslobađa nas.

When you think about it,

Razmislite malo,

using perception instead of categories

opažanje umjesto kategoriziranja

is much easier said than done.

lakše je u teoriji nego u praksi.

Categories are something our brains use.

Naši mozgovi također kategoriziraju.

When it comes to people,

Kad su ljudi u pitanju,

it's sort of a shortcut for learning about them.

to je prečac do učenja o njima.

We see male, female, young, old,

Vidimo muško, žensko, mlado, staro,

black, brown, white, stranger, friend,

crno, smeđe, bijelo, stranca, prijatelja

and we use the information in that box.

i koristimo informacije iz tih polja.

It's quick, it's easy

Jednostavno je, brzo

and it's a road to bias.

i vodi do predrasuda.

And it means we're not thinking about people as individuals.

To znači da ne gledamo na ljude kao na pojedince.

I know an American researcher who travels frequently

Jedna američka istraživačica često sama putuje

in Central Asia and Africa, alone.

u središnju Aziju i Afriku.

She's entering into towns and cities

Ulazi u gradove

as a complete stranger.

kao potpuni stranac.

She has no bonds, no connections.

Nema nikakvih veza koje može povući.

She's a foreigner.

Tuđinac je.

Her survival strategy is this:

Ovako ona preživljava:

get one stranger to see you as a real, individual person.

ako vas jedan stranac vidi kao pravu osobu, kao pojedinca,

If you can do that, it'll help other people see you that way, too.

i drugi će vas tako gledati.

The second benefit of using our senses has to do with intimacy.

Druga korist dobivena korištenjem osjetila povezana je s intimnosti.

I know it sounds a little counterintuitive,

Znam da se protivi intuiciji,

intimacy and strangers,

intimnost i stranci,

but these quick interactions can lead to a feeling

ali ove brze interakcije dovode do osjećaja

that sociologists call "fleeting intimacy."

koji sociolozi nazivaju prolaznom intimnosti.

So, it's a brief experience that has emotional resonance and meaning.

To kratkotrajno iskustvo ima emocionalni odjek i značenje.

It's the good feeling I got

Ja sam se dobro osjećala

from being saved from the death trap of the storm drain by the old man,

kad me onaj starac spasio od nestajanja,

or how I feel like part of a community

a tako se osjećam i kada postajem dio zajednice

when I talk to somebody on my train on the way to work.

razgovarajući s nekim kad idem na posao.

Sometimes it goes further.

Nekad koristi ne staju tu.

Researchers have found that people often feel more comfortable

Istraživači su otkrili da je ljudima ugodnije

being honest and open about their inner selves with strangers

biti iskren i otvoren o osobnim stvarima sa strancima

than they do with their friends and their families --

nego s prijateljima i obitelji.

that they often feel more understood by strangers.

Često osjećaju da ih stranci bolje razumiju.

This gets reported in the media with great lament.

O tome se stalno govori u medijima.

"Strangers communicate better than spouses!"

"Stranci komuniciraju bolje od bračnih drugova."

It's a good headline, right?

Dobra je to naslovnica, zar ne?

I think it entirely misses the point.

Mislim da ne shvaća bit.

The important thing about these studies

Ono što je važno kod ovih istraživanja

is just how significant these interactions can be;

jest koliko važne ovakve interakcije mogu biti,

how this special form of closeness

kako nam poseban oblik bliskosti

gives us something we need as much as we need our friends

daje ono što nam je potrebno jednako kao i prijatelji

and our families.

i obitelji.

So how is it possible that we communicate so well with strangers?

Kako je moguće da tako dobro komuniciramo sa strancima?

There are two reasons.

Postoje dva razloga.

The first one is that it's a quick interaction.

Razlog prvi: to je brza interakcija

It has no consequences.

bez posljedica.

It's easy to be honest with someone you're never going to see again, right?

Lako je biti iskren prema nekome koga više nikada nećemo vidjeti, zar ne?

That makes sense.

Ima smisla.

The second reason is where it gets more interesting.

Razlog drugi puno je zanimljiviji.

We have a bias when it comes to people we're close to.

Imamo određene predrasude prema ljudima s kojima smo bliski.

We expect them to understand us.

Očekujemo od njih da nas razumiju.

We assume they do,

Pretpostavljamo to,

and we expect them to read our minds.

a i očekujemo od njih da nam čitaju misli.

So imagine you're at a party,

Zamislite da ste na tulumu

and you can't believe that your friend or your spouse

i ne možete vjerovati da vaš prijatelj ili supružnik

isn't picking up on it that you want to leave early.

ne shvaća da vam se ide kući.

And you're thinking,

Mislite si:

"I gave you the look."

"Pa pogledao sam te značajno."

With a stranger, we have to start from scratch.

Sa strancima moramo početi ni od čega.

We tell the whole story,

Ispričamo im cijelu priču,

we explain who the people are, how we feel about them;

objasnimo ljude i naše misli o njima,

we spell out all the inside jokes.

objašnjavamo interne fore.

And guess what?

I znate što?

Sometimes they do understand us a little better.

Nekada nas zaista bolje razumiju.

OK.

Dobro.

So now that we know that talking to strangers matters,

Sad kad znamo da je bitno razgovarati sa strancima,

how does it work?

zapitajmo se kako funkcionira.

There are unwritten rules we tend to follow.

Moramo slijediti neka nepisana pravila.

The rules are very different depending on what country you're in,

Ta se pravila razlikuju od zemlje do zemlje,

what culture you're in.

od kulture do kulture.

In most parts of the US,

U većem dijelu SAD-a,

the baseline expectation in public

u javnosti se očekuje

is that we maintain a balance between civility and privacy.

da se održava ravnoteža između pristojnosti i privatnosti,

This is known as civil inattention.

što je poznato kao pristojna nepažnja.

So, imagine two people are walking towards each other on the street.

Zamislite dvoje ljudi koji na ulici hodaju ususret jedno drugome.

They'll glance at each other from a distance.

Pogledaju jedno drugo iz daljine.

That's the civility, the acknowledgment.

To je pristojnost, priznanje.

And then as they get closer, they'll look away,

Što se više približavaju, skrenu pogled

to give each other some space.

kako bi drugome dali prostora.

In other cultures,

U drugim kulturama,

people go to extraordinary lengths not to interact at all.

ljudi se nevjerojatno trude oko neinterakcije.

People from Denmark tell me

Danci su mi rekli

that many Danes are so averse to talking to strangers,

da su neki od njih toliko protiv interakcije sa strancima

that they would rather miss their stop on the bus

da bi radije propustili svoj izlaz na autobusu

than say "excuse me" to someone that they need to get around.

nego zamolili nekoga da se makne kako bi oni prošli.

Instead, there's this elaborate shuffling of bags

Stoga bučno premještaju vrećice

and using your body to say that you need to get past,

i komešaju se kako bi neverbalno izrazili da žele da se maknete,

instead of using two words.

umjesto da kažu te dvije riječi.

In Egypt, I'm told,

Čujem da je u Egiptu

it's rude to ignore a stranger,

nepristojno ignorirati stranca

and there's a remarkable culture of hospitality.

te postoji kultura gostoljubivosti.

Strangers might ask each other for a sip of water.

Stranci međusobno jedno od drugoga mogu tražiti gutljaj vode,

Or, if you ask someone for directions,

a ako nekoga pitate za put,

they're very likely to invite you home for coffee.

vrlo vjerojatno će vas pozvati da uđete na kavu.

We see these unwritten rules most clearly when they're broken,

Ova nepisana pravila najvidljivija su kada ih se prekrši

or when you're in a new place

ili kada se nađete u nepoznatom okruženju

and you're trying to figure out what the right thing to do is.

i pokušavate shvatiti što trebate činiti.

Sometimes breaking the rules a little bit is where the action is.

Nekad je najzanimljivije kad prekršite pravila.

In case it's not clear, I really want you to do this. OK?

Ako nisam bila dovoljno jasna, stvarno želim da ovo učinite.

So here's how it's going to go.

Ovako.

Find somebody who is making eye contact.

Uspostavite kontakt očima s nekim.

That's a good signal.

To je dobar znak.

The first thing is a simple smile.

Prvo se samo nasmiješite.

If you're passing somebody on the street or in the hallway here, smile.

Ako prolazite kraj nekoga na ulici ili ovdje u hodniku, nasmiješite se

See what happens.

i pratite što se događa.

Another is triangulation.

Možete pokušati i triangulaciju.

There's you, there's a stranger,

Postojite vi, stranac

there's some third thing that you both might see and comment on,

i neka treća stvar koju oboje vidite i prokomentirate -

like a piece of public art

nešto poput javnog umjetničkog djela,

or somebody preaching in the street

ili govornika na ulici

or somebody wearing funny clothes.

ili nekoga tko je smiješno obučen.

Give it a try.

Pokušajte.

Make a comment about that third thing, and see if starts a conversation.

Komentirajte tu treću stvar i pratite hoće li se iz toga izroditi razgovor.

Another is what I call noticing.

Imate još jednu opciju: primjećivanje

This is usually giving a compliment.

koje se sastoji od davanja komplimenata.

I'm a big fan of noticing people's shoes.

Ja obožavam primjećivati cipele.

I'm actually not wearing fabulous shoes right now,

Trenutno ne nosim neke fantastične cipele,

but shoes are fabulous in general.

ali općenito gledajući, cipele su fantastične

And they're pretty neutral as far as giving compliments goes.

i pružaju prilično neutralan teren za davanje komplimenata.

People always want to tell you things about their awesome shoes.

Ljudi vam uvijek žele pričati o svojim fantastičnim cipelama.

You may have already experienced the dogs and babies principle.

Možda ste već doživjeli princip s bebama i psima.

It can be awkward to talk to someone on the street;

Može biti neugodno razgovarati s nekim na ulici,

you don't know how they're going to respond.

ne znate kako će reagirati,

But you can always talk to their dog or their baby.

ali uvijek možete pričati sa psom ili djetetom.

The dog or the baby

Pas ili dijete

is a social conduit to the person,

društvena je provodna materija do osobe

and you can tell by how they respond

i po tome kako reagiraju možete vidjeti

whether they're open to talking more.

jesu li zainteresirani za dublju priču.

The last one I want to challenge you to

Želim vas potaknuti na još jednu stvar -

is disclosure.

razotkrivanje.

This is a very vulnerable thing to do,

To je nešto što ustinu pokazuje slabost,

and it can be very rewarding.

no donijet će vam veliku dobit.

So next time you're talking to a stranger

Sljedeći put kad budete pričali sa strancem

and you feel comfortable,

i bude vam neugodno,

tell them something true about yourself,

recite im jednu istinu o sebi,

something really personal.

nešto osobno.

You might have that experience I talked about of feeling understood.

Možda se osjetite shvaćeno.

Sometimes in conversation, it comes up,

Nekad za vrijeme razgovora

people ask me, "What does your dad do?" or, "Where does he live?"

ljudi me pitaju čime mi se tata bavi ili gdje živi.

And sometimes I tell them the whole truth,

Nekad kažem cijelu istinu,

which is that he died when I was a kid.

da je umro kad sam bila mala.

Always in those moments,

U tim trenutcima

they share their own experiences of loss.

stranci izreknu vlastita iskustva s gubitkom.

We tend to meet disclosure with disclosure,

Razotkrivanje prati razotkrivanje,

even with strangers.

čak i kad su stranci u pitanju.

So, here it is.

To je to.

When you talk to strangers, you're making beautiful interruptions

Razgovarajući sa strancima stvarate prekrasne prekide

into the expected narrative of your daily life

očekivanih narativa vašeg svakodnevnog života,

and theirs.

ali i njihovog.

You're making unexpected connections.

Stvarate neočekivane poveznice.

If you don't talk to strangers, you're missing out on all of that.

Ako ne razgovarate sa strancima, propuštate sve to.

We spend a lot of time

Puno vremena provodimo

teaching our children about strangers.

učeći našu djecu o strancima.

What would happen if we spent more time teaching ourselves?

Što kad bismo više vremena proveli učeći sebe?

We could reject all the ideas that make us so suspicious of each other.

Odbacili bismo sve ideje zbog kojih smo sumnjičavi jedni prema drugima.

We could make a space for change.

Napravili bismo prostora za promjenu.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)