Kathryn Schulz: Don't regret regret

翻译人员: Chunxiang Qian 校对人员: Angelia King

So that's Johnny Depp, of course.

这是强尼･德普 很显然

And that's Johnny Depp's shoulder.

这是他的肩膀

And that's Johnny Depp's famous shoulder tattoo.

这是他肩膀上著名的纹身

Some of you might know that, in 1990,

也许有人知道90年代

Depp got engaged to Winona Ryder,

德普和薇诺娜･赖德订婚

and he had tattooed on his right shoulder

他的右肩上就有了这个纹身

"Winona forever."

“永远的薇诺娜”

And then three years later --

然而3年后－

which in fairness, kind of is forever by Hollywood standards --

这个依照好莱坞的标准来说算得上永远了－

they broke up,

他俩各奔东西

and Johnny went and got a little bit of repair work done.

强尼一蹶不振 做了些小修纹

And now his shoulder says, "Wino forever."

现在他肩膀的纹身是“永远的酒鬼”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So like Johnny Depp,

我喜欢强尼･德普

and like 25 percent of Americans

就像16岁到50岁美国人中的

between the ages of 16 and 50,

百分之二十五的人一样

I have a tattoo.

我有纹身

I first started thinking about getting it in my mid-20s,

大概是25岁左右的时候我开始想纹一个

but I deliberately waited a really long time.

不过我刻意等了很久

Because we all know people

因为我知道很多人

who have gotten tattoos when they were 17

在17岁或者19岁23岁

or 19 or 23

纹了身

and regretted it by the time they were 30.

然后30岁就后悔了

That didn't happen to me.

我不是这样的

I got my tattoo when I was 29,

我29岁的时候去纹了身

and I regretted it instantly.

然后立马后悔了

And by "regretted it,"

我说的“后悔”

I mean that I stepped outside of the tattoo place --

是我一出了纹身店的门－

this is just a couple miles from here

离这儿就几公里远

down on the Lower East Side --

在下东区－

and I had a massive emotional meltdown in broad daylight

大白天好端端地我就在

on the corner of East Broadway and Canal Street.

东百老汇和运河街的拐角情绪崩溃了

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Which is a great place to do it because nobody cares.

那是个情绪崩溃的好地方因为别人都懒得理你

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And then I went home that night, and I had an even larger emotional meltdown,

那天晚上我回到家，情绪更加崩溃

which I'll say more about in a minute.

一会儿我会再谈谈

And this was all actually quite shocking to me,

这让我十分震惊

because prior to this moment,

因为在那之前

I had prided myself

我告诉自己

on having absolutely no regrets.

我绝对不会后悔的

I made a lot of mistakes

我做过很多错事

and dumb decisions, of course.

和傻事 这是当然的

I do that hourly.

而且从来没间断过

But I had always felt like, look, you know,

但我觉得

I made the best choice I could make

我在当时的状况下

given who I was then,

基于手头具有的信息

given the information I had on hand.

作出了最好的选择

I learned a lesson from it.

我学到了一些

It somehow got me to where I am in life right now.

这就是我成为现在的我的原因

And okay, I wouldn't change it.

我不会改变的

In other words, I had drunk our great cultural Kool-Aid about regret,

也就是说我深知我们对后悔的文化

which is that lamenting things that occurred in the past

也就是为过去的事情悲伤

is an absolute waste of time,

简直就是在浪费时间

that we should always look forward and not backward,

我们应该常常向前看而不是向后看

and that one of the noblest and best things we can do

我们最好应该做的事就是

is strive to live a life free of regrets.

争取活在没有后悔的世界了

This idea is nicely captured by this quote:

有句话很好地表达了这个观点：

"Things without all remedy

“放开

should be without regard;

无法挽回的事情

what's done is done."

泼出去水收不回来”

And it seems like kind of an admirable philosophy at first --

首先这个看起来是很值得赞扬的人生哲学－

something we might all agree to sign onto ...

要是我不告诉你谁说的

until I tell you who said it.

大家也许会同意然后签署为...

Right, so this is Lady MacBeth

没错就是麦克白夫人

basically telling her husband to stop being such a wuss

告诉她丈夫别像个懦夫一样

for feeling bad about murdering people.

害怕杀了人

And as it happens, Shakespeare was onto something here,

这里莎士比亚其实另有所指

as he generally was.

他总是这样

Because the inability to experience regret

因为无法体会后悔

is actually one of the diagnostic characteristics

其实是反社会人格的

of sociopaths.

诊断特征之一

It's also, by the way, a characteristic of certain kinds of brain damage.

它也是一种脑损伤的表象

So people who have damage

如果有人的眼窝前额皮质

to their orbital frontal cortex

受到损失

seem to be unable to feel regret

就可能在甚至面对

in the face of even obviously very poor decisions.

非常错误的决定时也能绝不后悔

So if, in fact, you want to live a life free of regret,

那么你要是想生而无悔

there is an option open to you.

那就有个办法

It's called a lobotomy.

叫前脑叶白质切除术

But if you want to be fully functional

但是如果你想正常功能

and fully human

做正常人

and fully humane,

有人性

I think you need to learn to live, not without regret, but with it.

那就得学着不要一悔再悔

So let's start off by defining some terms.

首先让我们定义一下几个词语

What is regret?

什么是后悔？

Regret is the emotion we experience

后悔是我们觉得

when we think that our present situation

如果过去做法不同

could be better or happier

当下的状况就会更好更幸福时的

if we had done something different in the past.

情绪表达

So in other words, regret requires two things.

也就是 后悔包含两点

It requires, first of all, agency -- we had to make a decision in the first place.

首先是对象－我们曾经作出个决定

And second of all, it requires imagination.

第二是想像

We need to be able to imagine going back and making a different choice,

我们要想像如果能回到过去，作出不同的选择

and then we need to be able to kind of spool this imaginary record forward

那么我们就能据此想像未来

and imagine how things would be playing out in our present.

眼下的事情会如何发展

And in fact, the more we have of either of these things --

这两样我们有的越多－

the more agency and the more imagination

在一个遗憾上

with respect to a given regret,

有更多的对象和想像

the more acute that regret will be.

这种后悔就越强烈

So let's say for instance

比如

that you're on your way to your best friend's wedding

你在去你朋友婚礼的路上

and you're trying to get to the airport and you're stuck in terrible traffic,

机场的路上塞车

and you finally arrive at your gate

你最终到了登机口

and you've missed your flight.

却错过飞机了

You're going to experience more regret in that situation

如果你只是迟到了3分钟

if you missed your flight by three minutes

会比迟到20分钟

than if you missed it by 20.

后悔得更厉害

Why?

为什么

Well because, if you miss your flight by three minutes,

因为如果你只是迟到3分钟

it is painfully easy to imagine

去想像你要是做个不同的决定

that you could have made different decisions

事情就不会这样子

that would have led to a better outcome.

是非常痛苦的

"I should have taken the bridge and not the tunnel.

“我应该不走隧道走大桥

I should have gone through that yellow light."

我不应该在那个黄灯停下来”

These are the classic conditions that create regret.

这是典型会导致后悔的场景

We feel regret when we think we are responsible

在觉得我们对一个决定负责而其结果糟糕

for a decision that came out badly,

但离好结果近在咫尺的时候

but almost came out well.

我们就会觉得后悔

Now within that framework,

在这个模式下

we can obviously experience regret about a lot of different things.

我们显然常常后悔很多事情

This session today is about behavioral economics.

今天这个会议是关于行为经济学

And most of what we know about regret

我们知道的大部分“后悔”

comes to us out of that domain.

都是来自这个范围

We have a vast body of literature

我们对消费者的财政决定

on consumer and financial decisions

有大量研究

and the regrets associated with them --

他们的决定－

buyer's remorse, basically.

也就是购买者的懊悔

But then finally, it occurred to some researchers to step back

不过终于有研究者想到

and say, well okay, but overall,

那么到底

what do we regret most in life?

人生中我们最后悔什么？

Here's what the answers turn out to look like.

让我们看看结果

So top six regrets --

六大遗憾－

the things we regret most in life:

人生里我们最遗憾的事情：

Number one by far, education.

第一是教育

33 percent of all of our regrets

百分之三十三的后悔

pertain to decisions we made about education.

是来自对受教育的决定

We wish we'd gotten more of it.

我们希望受更多的教育

We wish we'd taken better advantage of the education that we did have.

更好地利用教育资源

We wish we'd chosen to study a different topic.

或者学习另外一个专业

Others very high on our list of regrets

其他在遗憾单子上非常高排名的项目还有

include career, romance, parenting,

事业，爱情，子女教育

various decisions and choices about our sense of self

各种各样的定义了今天我们自身的决定

and how we spend our leisure time --

还有怎么度过闲暇时间的决定－

or actually more specifically,

或者确切地说

how we fail to spend our leisure time.

后悔我们怎么没好好利用闲暇时间

The remaining regrets

其他的遗憾

pertain to these things:

还有这些：

finance, family issues unrelated to romance or parenting,

财政，家庭问题包括婚姻或子女教育

health, friends,

健康，朋友

spirituality and community.

精神世界和社区

So in other words, we know most of what we know about regret

换句话说，我们是通过金融研究了解了

by the study of finance.

遗憾

But it turns out, when you look overall at what people regret in life,

但结果是当你思量人们生命中的憾事时

you know what, our financial decisions don't even rank.

我们的财务决定根本就是排不上号

They account for less than three percent of our total regrets.

理财上的遗憾都不及总的遗憾的百分之三

So if you're sitting there stressing

那么如果你因为不知道选个

about large cap versus small cap,

大帽子还是小帽子苦恼

or company A versus company B,

或者纠结于公司A和B

or should you buy the Subaru or the Prius,

斯巴鲁还是普瑞斯

you know what, let it go.

那么还是别操那个心了

Odds are, you're not going to care in five years.

因为你五年之内都不会在意这个的

But for these things that we actually do really care about

而对于我们真正在乎

and do experience profound regret around,

并且会深深抱有遗憾的事物

what does that experience feel like?

会是什么样的感受？

We all know the short answer.

不用说我们都知道

It feels terrible. Regret feels awful.

会无比地痛心后悔

But it turns out that regret feels awful

但结果显示懊悔

in four very specific and consistent ways.

主要由四个非常特有的，连贯性的阶段组成

So the first consistent component of regret

第一个就是

is basically denial.

否认

When I went home that night after getting my tattoo,

当我那晚纹了身回家时

I basically stayed up all night.

我一夜没睡

And for the first several hours,

头几个小时

there was exactly one thought in my head.

我脑子里只有一个念头

And the thought was,

就是

"Make it go away!"

“我不要这样！”

This is an unbelievably primitive emotional response.

这是个令人难以置信的初始情绪

I mean, it's right up there with, "I want my mommy!"

就像是心里想着“我要妈妈！”

We're not trying to solve the problem.

根本不想解决问题

We're not trying to understand how the problem came about.

不试着去了解问题的根由

We just want it to vanish.

就是希望错误消失

The second characteristic component of regret

后悔第二波就是

is a sense of bewilderment.

困惑感

So the other thing I thought about there in my bedroom that night

那天晚上我在卧室里想的就是

was, "How could I have done that?

“我怎么做出这样的事情？

What was I thinking?"

我到底在想什么？”

This real sense of alienation

这是尝试把做出后悔决定的

from the part of us that made a decision we regret.

那部分自己跟自身孤立起来

We can't identify with that part.

我们无法认同那部分自己

We don't understand that part.

无法理解那部分

And we certainly don't have any empathy for that part --

而我们绝对不喜欢那部分自己－

which explains the third consistent component of regret,

这就带来了后悔第三波

which is an intense desire to punish ourselves.

一种强烈的自我惩罚的愿望

That's why, in the face of our regret,

这就是我们面对悔恨的时候

the thing we consistently say is, "I could have kicked myself."

总之自我责难：“真想抽自己一巴掌！”

The fourth component here

第四波就是

is that regret is what psychologists call perseverative.

心理学家所谓的表现执拗

To perseverate means to focus obsessively and repeatedly

表现执拗就是不断地强迫性地

on the exact same thing.

重复同一件事情

Now the effect of perseveration

而表现执拗的结果就是

is to basically take these first three components of regret

持续不停地重复

and put them on an infinite loop.

后悔的前三个阶段

So it's not that I sat there in my bedroom that night,

那天晚上我就坐在卧室里

thinking, "Make it go away."

想“我不要这样！”

It's that I sat there and I thought,

我就这么坐着一直想

"Make it go away. Make it go away.

“不要这样，不要这样

Make it go away. Make it go away."

不要这样，不要这样。”

So if you look at the psychological literature,

如果你查看心理学文献

these are the four consistent defining components of regret.

这些就是悔恨的四个阶段

But I want to suggest that there's also a fifth one.

但我想说还有第五阶段

And I think of this

我想这是

as a kind of existential wake-up call.

一种自我觉醒

That night in my apartment,

那晚我在公寓里

after I got done kicking myself and so forth,

反反复复讨伐自己后

I lay in bed for a long time,

我躺在床上很久

and I thought about skin grafts.

想着植皮

And then I thought about how,

然后我想到

much as travel insurance doesn't cover acts of God,

旅行保险可不保自然灾害

probably my health insurance did not cover acts of idiocy.

那么我的医疗保险自然也不包括自己干的蠢事

In point of fact, no insurance covers acts of idiocy.

没有什么保险保自己干的蠢事

The whole point of acts of idiocy

愚蠢的结果就是

is that they leave you totally uninsured;

自己完全无保障

they leave you exposed to the world

你完全袒露在这个世界面前

and exposed to your own vulnerability and fallibility

袒露在你自身的脆弱和不可谱面前

in face of, frankly, a fairly indifferent universe.

事实上，这是个相对无情的世界

This is obviously an incredibly painful experience.

这很明显是个十分痛苦的经历

And I think it's particularly painful for us now in the West

我想这对于西方人来说

in the grips of what I sometimes think of

这种Control-Z文化是

as a Control-Z culture --

无比痛苦的－

Control-Z like the computer command,

Control-Z就是电脑键盘上的命令

undo.

撤消

We're incredibly used to not having to face

在某种意义上 我们曾经不用去面对

life's hard realities, in a certain sense.

残酷的现实

We think we can throw money at the problem

我们以为用钱

or throw technology at the problem --

或者科技就能解决问题－

we can undo and unfriend

我们能撤消，能解除好友关系

and unfollow.

取消关注

And the problem is that there are certain things that happen in life

但问题是生活中有很多

that we desperately want to change

我们迫切地期望改变

and we cannot.

但是不行

Sometimes instead of Control-Z,

有时候不是撤消

we actually have zero control.

而是无法控制

And for those of us who are control freaks and perfectionists --

而对于那些控制狂和完美主义者－

and I know where of I speak --

我知道我说自己呢－

this is really hard,

这是非常糟糕的

because we want to do everything ourselves and we want to do it right.

因为我们想亲力亲为每件事并绝对做好

Now there is a case to be made

那么有一点就是

that control freaks and perfectionists should not get tattoos,

控制狂和完美主义者千万别纹身

and I'm going to return to that point in a few minutes.

一会儿我会提到这一点

But first I want to say

首先是

that the intensity and persistence

我们体验到的懊悔各阶段的

with which we experience these emotional components of regret

强度和持久度

is obviously going to vary

很显然是

depending on the specific thing that we're feeling regretful about.

取决于后悔的特定对象

So for instance, here's one of my favorite

比如这就是一个

automatic generators of regret in modern life.

常常导致我后悔的例子

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Text: Relpy to all.

文字：回复给所有人

And the amazing thing

这个狡猾的技术发明的

about this really insidious technological innovation

奇特之处就是

is that even just with this one thing,

仅仅是这样一个东西

we can experience a huge range of regret.

就足够让你无比后悔

You can accidentally hit "reply all" to an email

你可能不小心点了这个按钮

and torpedo a relationship.

然后断送了一段恋爱

Or you can just have an incredibly embarrassing day at work.

或者就是在办公室里羞愧地想钻地洞

Or you can have your last day at work.

或者被炒鱿鱼

And this doesn't even touch

这些比起真正的生命中的遗憾

on the really profound regrets of a life.

完全不算什么

Because of course, sometimes we do make decisions

因为有时候我们的决定

that have irrevocable and terrible consequences,

会导致无可挽回的结果

either for our own or for other people's

也许是关于自己或者别人的健康

health and happiness and livelihoods,

幸福或者生活之类

and in the very worst case scenario, even their lives.

最严重的是涉及到别人的生命

Now obviously, those kinds of regrets

很显然那些遗憾

are incredibly piercing and enduring.

会无比痛苦且持久

I mean, even the stupid "reply all" regrets

甚至仅仅是愚蠢的“恢复给所有人”

can leave us in a fit of excruciating agony for days.

就能折磨我们好几天

So how are we supposed to live with this?

那我们怎么才能面对悔恨？

I want to suggest that there's three things

我想提三点建议

that help us to make our peace with regret.

来让我们平和地面对后悔

And the first of these

第一就是

is to take some comfort in its universality.

意识到它的普遍性

If you Google regret and tattoo,

如果你在谷歌上搜索后悔和纹身

you will get 11.5 million hits.

能有1150万条结果

(Laughter)

（笑声）

The FDA estimates

食品和药物管理局

that of all the Americans who have tattoos,

估计全美纹过身的人里

17 percent of us regret getting them.

大概有百分之十七的人都会后悔

That is Johnny Depp and me

包括强尼･德普，我

and our seven million friends.

还有七百万陌生朋友

And that's just regret about tattoos.

而这只不过是后悔纹了身而已

We are all in this together.

我们都差不多

The second way that we can help make our peace with regret

第二点去平和地处理后悔就是

is to laugh at ourselves.

学会自嘲

Now in my case, this really wasn't a problem,

这对我来说一点都不难

because it's actually very easy to laugh at yourself

因为你要是29岁了还因为

when you're 29 years old and you want your mommy

一个不喜欢的新纹身而哭着找妈妈的话

because you don't like your new tattoo.

完全可以自嘲一下

But it might seem like a kind of cruel or glib suggestion

虽然有人会觉得这个建议对于真正沉重的后悔来说

when it comes to these more profound regrets.

有点残酷且华而不实

I don't think that's the case though.

我不这么认为

All of us who've experienced regret

几乎我们所有人都经历过

that contains real pain and real grief

十分痛苦和懊悔的情况

understand that humor and even black humor

幽默，甚至黑色幽默

plays a crucial role in helping us survive.

能帮助我们度过难关

It connects the poles of our lives back together,

因为它能连接我们生活的两个极端

the positive and the negative,

正极和负极

and it sends a little current of life back into us.

给我们的生活注入一点电流

The third way that I think we can help make our peace with regret

第三点我想就是通过时间的流逝

is through the passage of time,

来慢慢平和地面对遗憾

which, as we know, heals all wounds --

我想，时间抚平一切－

except for tattoos, which are permanent.

除了纹身大概是永久性的

So it's been several years

我纹身也有

since I got my own tattoo.

几年了

And do you guys just want to see it?

你们想看看吗？

All right.

没问题

Actually, you know what, I should warn you,

不过我得先声明一下

you're going to be disappointed.

你们可能会失望

Because it's actually not that hideous.

因为这个纹身并不那么糟糕

I didn't tattoo Marilyn Manson's face

我可没把玛莉莲･曼森的脸

on some indiscreet part of myself or something.

纹到什么隐私部位

When other people see my tattoo,

别人看到我的纹身

for the most part they like how it looks.

基本上都还挺喜欢

It's just that I don't like how it looks.

只是我不喜欢这个图案

And as I said earlier, I'm a perfectionist.

正如我之前所说 我是个完美主义者

But I'll let you see it anyway.

不过我还是会给你们看看

This is my tattoo.

我的纹身

I can guess what some of you are thinking.

我知道你们有些人会怎么想

So let me reassure you about something.

那么让我告诉你

Some of your own regrets

有些你后悔的东西

are also not as ugly as you think they are.

并不是你以为的那么糟糕

I got this tattoo

我纹这个

because I spent most of my 20s

是因为我二十来岁的时候

living outside the country and traveling.

基本都是在其他国家旅行

And when I came and settled in New York afterward,

后来当我到纽约定居后

I was worried that I would forget

我怕自己会忘记

some of the most important lessons that I learned during that time.

在那期间我认识到一些重要的东西

Specifically the two things I learned about myself

特别有两点

that I most didn't want to forget

我最不想忘记

was how important it felt to keep exploring

一是不要停止探索的脚步

and, simultaneously, how important it is

二是不要忘记

to somehow keep an eye on your own true north.

你心中的目标

And what I loved about this image of the compass

我当初喜欢这个指南针图案

was that I felt like it encapsulated both of these ideas

就是因为觉得这个图案将上述两点

in one simple image.

含括于内

And I thought it might serve as a kind of permanent mnemonic device.

我想这个会变成我永久的记忆

Well it did.

不过确实是

But it turns out, it doesn't remind me of the thing I thought it would;

只是让我想起的不是我当初希望的

it reminds me constantly of something else instead.

而常常是其他东西

It actually reminds me

它常常让我想起

of the most important lesson regret can teach us,

关于遗憾的教训

which is also one of the most important lessons life teaches us.

也是生命中最重要的教训之一

And ironically, I think it's probably the single most important thing

讽刺的是，我想这可能唯一的最重要的

I possibly could have tattooed onto my body --

我能把它纹到身上的东西－

partly as a writer,

既是作为一名作家

but also just as a human being.

也是作为一个人

Here's the thing,

总之就是

if we have goals

如果我们有目标

and dreams,

和梦想

and we want to do our best,

我们想尽最大的努力

and if we love people

或者如果我们爱一些人

and we don't want to hurt them or lose them,

不希望伤害到他们或失去他们

we should feel pain when things go wrong.

当这些出现问题的时候我们理应感到痛苦

The point isn't to live without any regrets.

问题的关键不是生而无悔

The point is to not hate ourselves for having them.

而是不要因后悔而厌恨自己

The lesson that I ultimately learned from my tattoo

我从纹身上学到的东西

and that I want to leave you with today

我想今天跟你们分享的

is this:

就是：

We need to learn to love

我们应该学会去爱

the flawed, imperfect things

我们制造出来的

that we create

不完美有缺陷的东西

and to forgive ourselves for creating them.

并原谅自己导致了这样的结果

Regret doesn't remind us that we did badly.

遗憾并不是要提醒我们所做的糟糕行为

It reminds us that we know we can do better.

而是提醒我们可以做得更好

Thank you.

谢谢

(Applause)

（掌声）