How my dad's dementia changed my idea of death (and life) | Beth Malone

Prevodilac: Ivana Krivokuća Lektor: Tijana Mihajlović

I've been doing some thinking.

Razmišljala sam.

I'm going to kill my dad.

Ubiću svog tatu.

I called my sister.

Pozvala sam sestru.

"Listen,

„Slušaj.

I've been doing some thinking.

Razmišljala sam.

I'm going to kill Dad.

Ubiću tatu.

I'm going to take him to Oregon,

Odvešću ga u Oregon,

find some heroin,

naći ću heroin

and give it to him."

i daću mu ga.“

My dad has frontotemporal lobe dementia,

Moj tata ima frontotemporalnu demenciju,

or FTD.

ili FTD.

It's a confusing disease that hits people in their 50s or 60s.

To je zbunjujuća bolest koja pogađa ljude u 50-im ili 60-im godinama.

It can completely change someone's personality,

Može u potpunosti promeniti ličnost osobe,

making them paranoid and even violent.

učinivši je paranoidnom, čak i nasilnom.

My dad's been sick for a decade,

Moj tata je bio bolestan čitavu deceniju,

but three years ago he got really sick,

ali se pre tri godine baš razboleo

and we had to move him out of his house --

i morali smo da ga iselimo iz njegove kuće -

the house that I grew up in,

kuće u kojoj sam odrasla,

the house that he built with his own hands.

kuće koju je izgradio svojim rukama.

My strapping, cool dad with the falsetto singing voice

Moj snažni, kul tata sa glasom u falsetu

had to move into a facility for round-the-clock care

morao je da se preseli u ustanovu za danonoćnu negu

when he was just 65.

kada je imao svega 65 godina.

At first my mom and sisters and I made the mistake

Najpre smo moja mama i sestre napravile grešku

of putting him in a regular nursing home.

i smestile ga u običan starački dom.

It was really pretty;

Bilo je veoma lepo;

it had plush carpet and afternoon art classes

imao je plišane tepihe, popodnevne časove umetnosti

and a dog named Diane.

i psa po imenu Dajana.

But then I got a phone call.

Ali, onda sam dobila telefonski poziv.

"Ms. Malone, we've arrested your father."

„Gospođice Maloun, uhapsili smo vašeg oca.“

"What?"

„Šta?“

"Well, he threatened everybody with cutlery.

„Pa, svima je pretio priborom za jelo.

And then he yanked the curtains off the wall,

Zatim je istrgao zavese sa zidova,

and then he tried to throw plants out the window.

a onda je pokušao da baci biljke kroz prozor.

And then, well, he pulled all the old ladies out of their wheelchairs."

A potom, pa, izvukao je sve starice iz kolica.“

"All the old ladies?"

„Sve starice?“

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

"What a cowboy."

„Kakav kauboj.“

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

After he got kicked out of there,

Nakon što su ga izbacili odatle,

we bounced him between a bunch of state-run facilities

prebacivale smo ga više puta u gomilu državnih ustanova

before finding a treatment center specifically for people with dementia.

dok nismo našle centar za lečenje posebno namenjen ljudima sa demencijom.

At first, he kind of liked it,

U početku nam se dopao,

but over time his health declined,

ali je vremenom njegovo zdravlje oslabilo

and one day I walked in

i jednog dana sam ušla

and found him sitting hunched over on the ground wearing a onesie --

i pronašla ga kako sedi zgrčen na zemlji dok je nosio kombinezon -

those kinds of outfits that zip in the back.

ona odela koja se zatvaraju rajsferšlusom pozadi.

I watched him for about an hour as he yanked at it,

Posmatrala sam ga oko sat vremena dok ga je vukao,

trying to find a way out of this thing.

pokušavajući da se izvuče iz toga.

And it's supposed to be practical,

Trebalo bi da bude praktično,

but to me it looked like a straightjacket.

ali meni je izgledalo kao ludačka košulja.

And so I ran out.

Zato sam istrčala.

I left him there.

Ostavila sam ga tamo.

I sat in my truck -- his old truck --

Sedela sam u svom kamionu - njegovom starom kamionu, pogurena,

hunched over,

this really deep guttural cry coming out of the pit of my belly.

dok je duboki grleni vapaj dopirao iz moje stomačne duplje.

I just couldn't believe that my father,

Jednostavno nisam mogla da poverujem da bi moj otac,

the Adonis of my youth,

Adonis moje mladosti,

my really dear friend,

moj veoma dragi prijatelj,

would think that this kind of life was worth living anymore.

smatrao da je ovakav život više vredan življenja.

We're programmed to prioritize productivity.

Programirani smo da dajemo prioritet produktivnosti.

So when a person -- an Adonis in this case --

Zato kada osoba - Adonis u ovom slučaju -

is no longer productive in the way we expect him to be,

više nije produktivna onako kako to očekujemo od nje,

the way that he expects himself to be,

onako kako ona očekuje od sebe,

what value does that life have left?

kakva vrednost preostaje tom životu?

That day in the truck,

Tog dana u kamionu

all I could imagine was that my dad was being tortured

jedino o čemu sam mogla da mislim jeste da se moj tata muči

and his body was the vessel of that torture.

i da je njegovo telo nosilac tog mučenja.

I've got to get him out of that body.

Moram da ga izbavim iz tog tela.

I've got to get him out of that body; I'm going to kill Dad.

Moram da ga izbavim iz tog tela; ubiću tatu.

I call my sister.

Pozvala sam sestru.

"Beth," she said.

„Bet“, rekla je.

"You don't want to live the rest of your life

„Ne želiš da provedeš ostatak života

knowing that you killed your father.

znajući da si ubila svog oca.

And you'd be arrested I think,

Mislim i da bi bila uhapšena,

because he can't condone it.

jer on to ne može da odobri.

And you don't even know how to buy heroin."

A ti čak ni ne znaš kako da kupiš heroin.“

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

It's true, I don't.

Istina je, ne znam.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

The truth is we talk about his death a lot.

Istina je da mi mnogo pričamo o njegovoj smrti.

When will it happen? What will it be like?

Kada će se desiti? Kako će to izgledati?

But I wish that we would have talked about death when we were all healthy.

Ali, volela bih kada bismo svi razgovarali o smrti dok smo zdravi.

What does my best death look like?

Kako izgleda moja najbolja verzija smrti?

What does your best death look like?

Kako izgleda vaša najbolja verzija smrti?

But my family didn't know to do that.

Ali, moja porodica nije umela to da uradi.

And my sister was right.

Moja sestra je bila u pravu.

I shouldn't murder Dad with heroin,

Ne treba da ubijem tatu heroinom,

but I've got to get him out of that body.

ali moram da ga izvučem iz tog tela.

So I went to a psychic.

Otišla sam kod vidovnjaka,

And then a priest, and then a support group,

zatim kod sveštenika, pa onda u grupu za podršku,

and they all said the same thing:

i svi su govorili jedno te isto:

sometimes people hang on when they're worried about loved ones.

ponekad se ljudi čvrsto drže u životu kada su zabrinuti za svoje voljene.

Just tell them you're safe, and it's OK to go when you're ready.

Samo im recite da ste bezbedni i da je u redu da odu kad su spremni.

So I went to see Dad.

Otišla sam da vidim tatu.

I found him hunched over on the ground in the onesie.

Zatekla sam ga zgrčenog na zemlji u kombinezonu.

He was staring past me and just kind of looking at the ground.

Zurio je mimo mene i nekako gledao u zemlju.

I gave him a ginger ale

Dala sam mu sok od đumbira

and just started talking about nothing in particular,

i samo počela da pričam ni o čemu naročito,

but as I was talking, he sneezed from the ginger ale.

ali dok sam pričala, kinuo je zbog soka sa đumbirom.

And the sneeze -- it jerked his body upright,

Od kijanja mu se telo trglo u uspravan položaj,

sparking him back to life a little bit.

malo ga povrativši u život.

And he just kept drinking and sneezing and sparking, over and over and over again

Nastavio je da pije, kija i trza se iznova i iznova,

until it stopped.

dok nije prestalo.

And I heard,

Čula sam:

"Heheheheheh,

„Heheheheheh,

heheheheheh ...

heheheheheh.

this is so fabulous.

Ovo je tako fantastično.

This is so fabulous."

Ovo je tako fantastično.“

His eyes were open and he was looking at me,

Oči su mu bile otvorene i gledao je u mene.

and I said, "Hi, Dad!"

Rekla sam: „Zdravo, tata!“,

and he said, "Hiya, Beth."

a on je rekao: „Zdravo, Bet.“

And I opened my mouth to tell him, right?

Otvorila sam usta da mu kažem:

"Dad, if you want to die, you can die.

„Tata, ako hoćeš, možeš da umreš.

We're all OK."

Svi smo u redu.“

But as I opened my mouth to tell him,

Ali, čim sam otvorila usta da mu kažem,

all I could say was, "Dad!

jedino što sam mogla da izgovorim bilo je: „Tata!

I miss you."

Nedostaješ mi.“

And then he said, "Well, I miss you, too."

A on je tad rekao: „Pa, nedostaješ i ti meni.“

And then I just fell over because I'm just a mess.

Onda sam se samo sručila jer sam prosto u haosu.

So I fell over and I sat there with him

Sručila sam se i sedela sa njim

because for the first time in a long time he seemed kind of OK.

jer je prvi put posle dugo vremena nekako izgledao u redu.

And I memorized his hands,

Upamtila sam njegove ruke,

feeling so grateful that his spirit was still attached to his body.

dok sam osećala toliku zahvalnost što je njegov duh još vezan za telo.

And in that moment I realized

U tom trenutku sam shvatila

I'm not responsible for this person.

da ja nisam odgovorna za ovu osobu.

I'm not his doctor,

Nisam njegov doktor,

I'm not his mother,

nisam njegova majka,

I'm certainly not his God,

zasigurno nisam njegov bog,

and maybe the best way to help him and me

i možda je najbolji način da pomognem i njemu i sebi

is to resume our roles as father and daughter.

da nastavim sa našim ulogama oca i ćerke.

And so we just sat there,

I tako smo samo sedeli,

calm and quiet like we've always done.

mirni i tihi kao i uvek.

Nobody was productive.

Niko nije bio produktivan.

Both of us are still strong.

Oboje smo još jaki.

"OK, Dad. I'm going to go,

„U redu, tata.

Idem, ali vidimo se sutra.“

but I'll see you tomorrow."

"OK," he said.

„U redu“, rekao je.

"Hey,

„Hej,

this is a pretty nice hacienda."

ovo je baš fina hacijenda.“

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)