How my dad's dementia changed my idea of death (and life) | Beth Malone

Translator: Agil Patria Reviewer: Sarmoko Sarmoko

I've been doing some thinking.

Aku sudah lama memikirkannya,

I'm going to kill my dad.

Aku akan membunuh ayahku.

I called my sister.

Aku telepon saudari saya.

"Listen,

Dengar,

I've been doing some thinking.

aku sudah lama memikirkannya.

I'm going to kill Dad.

Aku akan membunuh ayah.

I'm going to take him to Oregon,

Aku akan membawanya ke Oregon,

find some heroin,

mencari sedikit heroin,

and give it to him."

dan memberikannya ke ayah

My dad has frontotemporal lobe dementia,

Ayahku mengidap demensia frontotemporal

or FTD.

atau FTD.

It's a confusing disease that hits people in their 50s or 60s.

Penyakit membingungkan yang menimpa orang di usia 50 atau 60,

It can completely change someone's personality,

yang dapat mengubah kepribadian seseorang sepenuhnya,

making them paranoid and even violent.

membuat mereka gelisah, bahkan menjadi kasar.

My dad's been sick for a decade,

Ayahku sudah sakit selama 10 tahun,

but three years ago he got really sick,

tapi 3 tahun lalu sakitnya bertambah parah,

and we had to move him out of his house --

dan kami harus memindahkannya keluar dari rumah --

the house that I grew up in,

rumah tempatku dibesarkan,

the house that he built with his own hands.

rumah yang ia bangun dengan tangannya sendiri.

My strapping, cool dad with the falsetto singing voice

Ayahku yang tegap dan keren dengan suaranya yang tinggi

had to move into a facility for round-the-clock care

harus pindah ke fasilitas 24 jam

when he was just 65.

saat dia baru berusia 65 tahun.

At first my mom and sisters and I made the mistake

Awalnya aku, ibuku, dan saudariku membuat kesalahan

of putting him in a regular nursing home.

dengan menitipkannya di panti jompo biasa.

It was really pretty;

Panti itu sangat cantik;

it had plush carpet and afternoon art classes

memiliki karpet mewah, dan kelas seni sore hari

and a dog named Diane.

dan seekor anjing bernama Diane.

But then I got a phone call.

Lalu aku mendapat telepon.

"Ms. Malone, we've arrested your father."

"Nona Malone, kami menahan ayah Anda."

"What?"

"Apa?"

"Well, he threatened everybody with cutlery.

Ya, dia mengancam semua orang dengan peralatan makan.

And then he yanked the curtains off the wall,

Lalu dia menarik tirai dari dinding,

and then he tried to throw plants out the window.

lalu dia mencoba melempar tanaman keluar jendela.

And then, well, he pulled all the old ladies out of their wheelchairs."

Dan dia menarik semua wanita tua dari kursi roda mereka.

"All the old ladies?"

"Semua wanita tua?"

(Laughter)

(Tertawa)

"What a cowboy."

"Garang sekali."

(Laughter)

(Tertawa)

After he got kicked out of there,

Setelah dia diusir dari sana,

we bounced him between a bunch of state-run facilities

kami memindahkannya ke beberapa fasilitas milik negara

before finding a treatment center specifically for people with dementia.

sebelum menemukan pusat perawatan khusus penderita demensia.

At first, he kind of liked it,

Awalnya, dia agak menyukainya,

but over time his health declined,

tapi seiring waktu kesehatannya memburuk,

and one day I walked in

sewaktu aku mengunjunginya

and found him sitting hunched over on the ground wearing a onesie --

dan menemukannya duduk membungkuk di atas tanah mengenakan baju terusan--

those kinds of outfits that zip in the back.

jenis pakaian dengan ritsleting di belakang.

I watched him for about an hour as he yanked at it,

Aku memperhatikan sekitar satu jam saat ia menariki bajunya,

trying to find a way out of this thing.

mencari cara untuk keluar dari benda itu.

And it's supposed to be practical,

Seharusnya baju itu praktis,

but to me it looked like a straightjacket.

tapi bagiku itu terlihat seperti baju tahanan.

And so I ran out.

Dan aku tak tahan lagi.

I left him there.

Aku tinggalkan dia di sana.

I sat in my truck -- his old truck --

Aku duduk di truk --truk lamanya--

hunched over,

membungkuk,

this really deep guttural cry coming out of the pit of my belly.

tangis parau yang sangat mendalam ini keluar dari perutku.

I just couldn't believe that my father,

Aku hanya tidak percaya bahwa ayahku,

the Adonis of my youth,

Pujaan masa mudaku,

my really dear friend,

teman terbaikku,

would think that this kind of life was worth living anymore.

akan mengira kehidupan semacam ini layak untuk dijalani.

We're programmed to prioritize productivity.

Kita diajarkan untuk memgedepankan produktivitas.

So when a person -- an Adonis in this case --

Jadi ketika seseorang -- seorang pujaan dalam kasus ini --

is no longer productive in the way we expect him to be,

sudah tidak lagi produktif seperti yang kita harapkan,

the way that he expects himself to be,

seperti apa yang dirinya harapkan,

what value does that life have left?

nilai apa yang tersisa dari kehidupan itu?

That day in the truck,

Hari itu di dalam truk,

all I could imagine was that my dad was being tortured

yang bisa kubayangkan hanyalah ayahku sedang disiksa

and his body was the vessel of that torture.

dan tubuhnya adalah wadah dari penyiksaan itu.

I've got to get him out of that body.

Aku harus mengeluarkannya dari tubuh itu

I've got to get him out of that body; I'm going to kill Dad.

Aku harus mengeluarkannya dari tubuh itu; aku akan membunuh ayah.

I call my sister.

Aku telepon saudariku.

"Beth," she said.

Dia jawab "Beth".

"You don't want to live the rest of your life

Kau tidak ingin menjalani sisa hidupmu

knowing that you killed your father.

dikenal bahwa kau membunuh ayahmu.

And you'd be arrested I think,

Dan menurutku kau akan ditangkap,

because he can't condone it.

karena ia tidak bisa memaafkanmu.

And you don't even know how to buy heroin."

Kau bahkan tidak tahu cara membeli heroin.

(Laughter)

(Tertawa)

It's true, I don't.

Itu benar, aku tidak tahu.

(Laughter)

(Tertawa)

The truth is we talk about his death a lot.

Kami sering membicarakan tentang kematiannya

When will it happen? What will it be like?

Kapan terjadinya? Akan seperti apa?

But I wish that we would have talked about death when we were all healthy.

Tapi aku harap kami bisa membicarakan soal kematian di saat kami semua sehat.

What does my best death look like?

Seperti apa kematian terbaikku?

What does your best death look like?

Seperti apa kematian terbaikmu?

But my family didn't know to do that.

Keluargaku pun tak tahu cara melakukannya.

And my sister was right.

Dan saudariku benar.

I shouldn't murder Dad with heroin,

Tak seharusnya aku membunuh ayah dengan heroin,

but I've got to get him out of that body.

tapi aku harus mengeluarkannya dari tubuh itu

So I went to a psychic.

Jadi aku pergi ke dukun.

And then a priest, and then a support group,

dan ke pendeta, ke kelompok pendukung,

and they all said the same thing:

dan semua mengatakan hal yang sama

sometimes people hang on when they're worried about loved ones.

terkadang seseorang bertahan saat khawatir dengan orang tercinta

Just tell them you're safe, and it's OK to go when you're ready.

Katakan padanya bahwa kau baik-baik saja, dan tidak apa jika dia pergi.

So I went to see Dad.

Jadi aku pergi menemui ayah

I found him hunched over on the ground in the onesie.

menjumpainya sedang membungkuk memakai baju terusan.

He was staring past me and just kind of looking at the ground.

Dia hanya melihatku sekilas lalu menatap ke tanah,

I gave him a ginger ale

Aku beri dia minuman jahe

and just started talking about nothing in particular,

dan mulai mengobrol basa-basi

but as I was talking, he sneezed from the ginger ale.

tapi saat aku sedang berbicara, dia bersin dari minuman jahenya.

And the sneeze -- it jerked his body upright,

Dan bersinnya -- menyentakkan tubuhnya tegak lurus

sparking him back to life a little bit.

memicunya sedikit kembali ke kehidupan.

And he just kept drinking and sneezing and sparking, over and over and over again

dan dia terus minum, dan bersin, dan kembali ke kehidupan, terus menerus

until it stopped.

sampai akhirnya berhenti.

And I heard,

Dan aku mendengar,

"Heheheheheh,

Heheheheheh,

heheheheheh ...

heheheheheh...

this is so fabulous.

ini sangat menakjubkan,

This is so fabulous."

Ini sangat menakjubkan.

His eyes were open and he was looking at me,

Matanya terbuka dan dia menatapku,

and I said, "Hi, Dad!"

dan aku berkata "Hai ayah!"

and he said, "Hiya, Beth."

dan dia berkata, "Hiya, Beth."

And I opened my mouth to tell him, right?

Dan aku harus mengatakannya, ya kan?

"Dad, if you want to die, you can die.

"Ayah, tidak apa-apa jika ayah ingin mati.

We're all OK."

Kami baik-baik saja."

But as I opened my mouth to tell him,

Tapi saat aku membuka mulutku,

all I could say was, "Dad!

yang bisa kuucapkan hanyalah, "Ayah!

I miss you."

Aku merindukanmu."

And then he said, "Well, I miss you, too."

Lalu dia berkata, "Ya, aku juga merindukanmu."

And then I just fell over because I'm just a mess.

Dan kemudian aku terjatuh, karena aku sangat kalut.

So I fell over and I sat there with him

Jadi aku terjatuh, dan duduk di sana bersamanya

because for the first time in a long time he seemed kind of OK.

karena untuk pertama kalinya, dia terlihat baik-baik saja.

And I memorized his hands,

Dan aku merasakan tangannya,

feeling so grateful that his spirit was still attached to his body.

merasa sangat bersyukur bahwa jiwanya masih melekat pada tubuhnya.

And in that moment I realized

Dan pada momen itu aku sadar

I'm not responsible for this person.

Aku tidak bertanggung jawab atas ayahku.

I'm not his doctor,

Aku bukan dokternya,

I'm not his mother,

aku bukan ibunya,

I'm certainly not his God,

dan sudah tentu aku bukan Tuhannya,

and maybe the best way to help him and me

dan mungkin, cara terbaik untuk kami berdua

is to resume our roles as father and daughter.

adalah dengan melanjutkan peran kami sebagai ayah dan anak.

And so we just sat there,

Akhirnya kami hanya duduk,

calm and quiet like we've always done.

tenang dan sunyi seperti yang selalu kami lakukan.

Nobody was productive.

Tidak melakukan apa pun.

Both of us are still strong.

Kami berdua masih tetap kuat.

"OK, Dad. I'm going to go,

"OK ayah, aku akan pergi,

but I'll see you tomorrow."

tapi aku akan datang lagi besok."

"OK," he said.

"OK", katanya.

"Hey,

"Hei,

this is a pretty nice hacienda."

tempat ini cukup bagus."

Thank you.

Terima kasih.

(Applause)

(Tepuk tangan)