How my dad's dementia changed my idea of death (and life) | Beth Malone

Prevoditelj: Zdeslav Markoč Recezent: Sanda L

I've been doing some thinking.

Razmišljala sam.

I'm going to kill my dad.

Ubit ću svog tatu.

I called my sister.

Nazvala sam svoju sestru.

"Listen,

"Slušaj,

I've been doing some thinking.

razmišljala sam.

I'm going to kill Dad.

Ubit ću tatu.

I'm going to take him to Oregon,

Odvest ću ga u Oregon,

find some heroin,

nabaviti heroin

and give it to him."

te mu ga dati."

My dad has frontotemporal lobe dementia,

Moj otac ima frontotemporalnu demenciju,

or FTD.

odnosno FTD.

It's a confusing disease that hits people in their 50s or 60s.

To je bolest koja pogađa ljude u 50-im ili 60-im godinama.

It can completely change someone's personality,

Može u potpunosti promijeniti nečiju osobnost,

making them paranoid and even violent.

čineći ljude paranoičnima, čak i nasilnima.

My dad's been sick for a decade,

Moj je otac bolestan jedno desetljeće,

but three years ago he got really sick,

ali prije tri godine bolest je uznapredovala

and we had to move him out of his house --

te smo ga morali iseliti iz njegove kuće,

the house that I grew up in,

kuće u kojoj sam ja odrasla,

the house that he built with his own hands.

kuće koju je on izgradio vlastitim rukama.

My strapping, cool dad with the falsetto singing voice

Moj kršan, staložen otac falseto pjevačkog glasa,

had to move into a facility for round-the-clock care

morao se preseliti u ustanovu s cjelodnevnom skrbi

when he was just 65.

kad je imao tek 65 godina.

At first my mom and sisters and I made the mistake

Na početku smo majka, sestre i ja napravile pogrešku

of putting him in a regular nursing home.

smjestivši ga u redovan starački dom.

It was really pretty;

Bio je stvarno lijep;

it had plush carpet and afternoon art classes

imao je tepih od pliša i popodnevne satove umjetnosti

and a dog named Diane.

te psa zvanog Diane.

But then I got a phone call.

Ali, onda sam primila poziv.

"Ms. Malone, we've arrested your father."

"Gospođice Malone, uhitili smo Vašeg oca."

"What?"

"Molim?"

"Well, he threatened everybody with cutlery.

"Pa, prijetio je svima u zajednici priborom za jelo.

And then he yanked the curtains off the wall,

Zatim je skinuo zavjese sa zida,

and then he tried to throw plants out the window.

a potom je pokušao baciti biljke kroz prozor.

And then, well, he pulled all the old ladies out of their wheelchairs."

I onda je izvukao sve stare žene iz njihovih invalidskih kolica."

"All the old ladies?"

"Sve stare žene?"

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

"What a cowboy."

"Kakav šarmer."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

After he got kicked out of there,

Nakon što je izbačen iz tog doma,

we bounced him between a bunch of state-run facilities

premještali smo ga između više državnih ustanova

before finding a treatment center specifically for people with dementia.

prije no što smo našli lječilišni centar specijaliziran za ljude s demencijom.

At first, he kind of liked it,

Na prvu mu se malo svidjelo,

but over time his health declined,

ali mu se s vremenom stanje pogoršavalo

and one day I walked in

te sam jedan dan došla

and found him sitting hunched over on the ground wearing a onesie --

i pronašla ga kako sjedi pogrbljeno na podu noseći kombinezon --

those kinds of outfits that zip in the back.

ona vrsta odjeće koja se kopča na leđima.

I watched him for about an hour as he yanked at it,

Gledala sam ga otprilike sat vremena dok je to povlačio,

trying to find a way out of this thing.

pokušavajući naći način da to skine.

And it's supposed to be practical,

I trebalo bi biti praktično,

but to me it looked like a straightjacket.

ali je meni to izgledalo kao luđačka košulja.

And so I ran out.

I zato sam istrčala van.

I left him there.

Ostavila sam ga tamo.

I sat in my truck -- his old truck --

Sjela sam u kamionet -- njegov stari --

hunched over,

pogrbljena,

this really deep guttural cry coming out of the pit of my belly.

a taj duboki unutrašnji osjećaj tuge dolazio mi je iz trbuha.

I just couldn't believe that my father,

Jednostavno nisam mogla vjerovati da moj otac,

the Adonis of my youth,

Adonis moje mladosti,

my really dear friend,

moj vrlo dragi prijatelj,

would think that this kind of life was worth living anymore.

misli da je ovaj način života više vrijedan življenja.

We're programmed to prioritize productivity.

Programirani smo da na prvo mjesto stavljamo produktivnost.

So when a person -- an Adonis in this case --

Pa kada osoba, Adonis u ovome slučaju,

is no longer productive in the way we expect him to be,

nije više produktivna na način na koji mi očekujemo da treba biti,

the way that he expects himself to be,

na način na koji on očekuje od sebe,

what value does that life have left?

koja vrijednost tog života onda ostaje?

That day in the truck,

Toga dana u kamionetu,

all I could imagine was that my dad was being tortured

sve što sam mogla zamisliti je da mi otac prolazi kroz mučenje

and his body was the vessel of that torture.

i da je njegovo tijelo izvor tog njegovog mučenja.

I've got to get him out of that body.

Moram ga izbaviti iz tog tijela.

I've got to get him out of that body; I'm going to kill Dad.

Moram ga izbaviti iz tog tijela; ubit ću svog tatu.

I call my sister.

Nazovem sestru.

"Beth," she said.

"Beth," kaže ona.

"You don't want to live the rest of your life

Ne želiš proživjeti ostatak svog života

knowing that you killed your father.

znajući da si ubila svog oca.

And you'd be arrested I think,

I bila bi uhićena, mislim,

because he can't condone it.

zato što on to ne može odobriti.

And you don't even know how to buy heroin."

I ti uopće ne znaš ni kako kupiti heroin."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

It's true, I don't.

Istina, ne znam.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

The truth is we talk about his death a lot.

Istina je da dosta pričamo o njegovoj smrti.

When will it happen? What will it be like?

Kada će se dogoditi? Kakva će biti?

But I wish that we would have talked about death when we were all healthy.

Ali htjela bih da smo o smrti pričali kada smo svi bili zdravi.

What does my best death look like?

Kako moja najbolja smrt izgleda?

What does your best death look like?

Kako vaša najbolja smrt izgleda?

But my family didn't know to do that.

Ali moja obitelj nije znala to napraviti.

And my sister was right.

I moja je sestra bila u pravu.

I shouldn't murder Dad with heroin,

Ne bih smjela ubiti tatu heroinom,

but I've got to get him out of that body.

ali ga moram izbaviti iz tog tijela.

So I went to a psychic.

Pa sam otišla psihijatru.

And then a priest, and then a support group,

Zatim svećeniku pa u grupu za podršku

and they all said the same thing:

i svi su rekli istu stvar :

sometimes people hang on when they're worried about loved ones.

nekada ljudi ostaju kada brinu o svojim bližnjima.

Just tell them you're safe, and it's OK to go when you're ready.

Samo im recite da ste sigurni te da je u redu da odu čim su spremni.

So I went to see Dad.

Pa sam otišla vidjeti tatu.

I found him hunched over on the ground in the onesie.

Našla sam ga pogrbljenog na podu u kombinezonu.

He was staring past me and just kind of looking at the ground.

Gledao je pored mene i samo, na neki način, gledao u pod.

I gave him a ginger ale

Dala sam mu sok od đumbira

and just started talking about nothing in particular,

i samo počela pričati ni o čemu važnom,

but as I was talking, he sneezed from the ginger ale.

ali dok sam ja pričala on je kihnuo od soka.

And the sneeze -- it jerked his body upright,

I to kihanje mu je trznulo tijelo prema gore,

sparking him back to life a little bit.

pomalo ga vraćajući u život.

And he just kept drinking and sneezing and sparking, over and over and over again

I samo je nastavio piti i kihati te se vraćati u život, ponovno i ponovno

until it stopped.

dok nije prestalo.

And I heard,

Onda sam čula,

"Heheheheheh,

"Heheheheheh,

heheheheheh ...

heheheheheh ...

this is so fabulous.

ovo je tako sjajno.

This is so fabulous."

Ovo je tako sjajno."

His eyes were open and he was looking at me,

Oči su mu bile otvorene te je gledao u mene,

and I said, "Hi, Dad!"

rekla sam mu, "Bok, tata!"

and he said, "Hiya, Beth."

a on je rekao, "Bok, Beth."

And I opened my mouth to tell him, right?

I otvorila sam usta da mu kažem,

"Dad, if you want to die, you can die.

"Tata, ako želiš umrijeti, možeš umrijeti.

We're all OK."

Mi smo svi dobro."

But as I opened my mouth to tell him,

Ali kako otvorih usta da mu kažem,

all I could say was, "Dad!

mogla sam mu samo reći, "Tata!

I miss you."

Nedostaješ mi."

And then he said, "Well, I miss you, too."

A on je odgovorio, "Pa, i ti meni nedostaješ."

And then I just fell over because I'm just a mess.

I onda sam samo pala prema njemu jer sam bila potresena.

So I fell over and I sat there with him

I tako sam pala prema njemu i sjedila s njim,

because for the first time in a long time he seemed kind of OK.

jer po prvi put nakon dugo vremena, činio se donekle dobro.

And I memorized his hands,

I sjećam se njegovih ruku,

feeling so grateful that his spirit was still attached to his body.

osjećajući se toliko zahvalno što je njegov duh još povezan s njegovim tijelom.

And in that moment I realized

I u tom sam trenutku shvatila

I'm not responsible for this person.

da nisam ja odgovorna za ovu osobu.

I'm not his doctor,

Nisam njegov liječnik,

I'm not his mother,

nisam njegova majka,

I'm certainly not his God,

sigurno nisam njegov Bog

and maybe the best way to help him and me

te je možda najbolji način da pomognem njemu, a i sebi,

is to resume our roles as father and daughter.

da održavam naše uloge oca i kćeri.

And so we just sat there,

I tako smo sjedili tamo,

calm and quiet like we've always done.

smireni i tihi kao što smo uvijek bili.

Nobody was productive.

Nitko nije bio produktivan.

Both of us are still strong.

Oboje smo još uvijek snažni.

"OK, Dad. I'm going to go,

"Dobro, tata. Sada ću ići,

but I'll see you tomorrow."

ali vidimo se sutra."

"OK," he said.

"Dobro," rekao je.

"Hey,

"Hej,

this is a pretty nice hacienda."

ovo je poprilično lijepo imanje."

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)