How my dad's dementia changed my idea of death (and life) | Beth Malone

Translator: Mária Medová Reviewer: Lucia Daubnerova

I've been doing some thinking.

Premýšľala som.

I'm going to kill my dad.

Otca zabijem.

I called my sister.

Zavolala som sestre.

"Listen,

„Počuj,

I've been doing some thinking.

premýšľala som.

I'm going to kill Dad.

Otca zabijem.

I'm going to take him to Oregon,

Zoberiem ho do Oregonu,

find some heroin,

zoženiem heroín

and give it to him."

a podám mu ho.“

My dad has frontotemporal lobe dementia,

Môj otec trpí frontotemporálnou demenciou

or FTD.

alebo tiež FTD.

It's a confusing disease that hits people in their 50s or 60s.

Je to mätúca choroba, ktorá postihuje ľudí vo veku 50 až 60 rokov.

It can completely change someone's personality,

Dokáže úplne zmeniť osobnosť,

making them paranoid and even violent.

urobiť človeka paranoidným či násilným.

My dad's been sick for a decade,

Môj otec je chorý už desaťročie,

but three years ago he got really sick,

ale pred tromi rokmi sa mu stav zhoršil

and we had to move him out of his house --

a museli sme ho odsťahovať z domu.

the house that I grew up in,

Z domu, v ktorom som vyrástla,

the house that he built with his own hands.

z domu, ktorý postavil vlastnými rukami.

My strapping, cool dad with the falsetto singing voice

Môj urastený, pokojný otec so spevavým falzetým hlasom

had to move into a facility for round-the-clock care

sa musel presťahovať do zariadenia s nepretržitou starostlivosťou,

when he was just 65.

keď mal len 65 rokov.

At first my mom and sisters and I made the mistake

Moja mama, sestry a ja sme najprv urobili chybu

of putting him in a regular nursing home.

a dali ho do obyčajného domova dôchodcov.

It was really pretty;

Bolo tam veľmi pekne.

it had plush carpet and afternoon art classes

Bol tam plyšový koberec, poobedné hodiny umenia

and a dog named Diane.

a fena Diane.

But then I got a phone call.

Ale potom mi zavolali.

"Ms. Malone, we've arrested your father."

„Slečna Malone, zatkli sme vášho otca.“

"What?"

„Prosím?“

"Well, he threatened everybody with cutlery.

„Ohrozoval všetkých príborom

And then he yanked the curtains off the wall,

a potom strhol zo steny závesy,

and then he tried to throw plants out the window.

a pokúsil sa vyhodiť kvety von z okna.

And then, well, he pulled all the old ladies out of their wheelchairs."

Potom vytiahol všetky staré dámy z ich invalidných vozíkov.“

"All the old ladies?"

„Všetky staré dámy?“

(Laughter)

(smiech)

"What a cowboy."

„Aký kovboj!“

(Laughter)

(smiech)

After he got kicked out of there,

Po tom, čo ho odtiaľ vyhodili,

we bounced him between a bunch of state-run facilities

vystriedal niekoľko štátnych zariadení,

before finding a treatment center specifically for people with dementia.

kým sme nenašli špeciálne ošetrovateľské centrum pre ľudí s demenciou.

At first, he kind of liked it,

Najprv sa mu tam páčilo,

but over time his health declined,

ale po čase sa jeho stav zhoršil

and one day I walked in

a jedného dňa som vošla

and found him sitting hunched over on the ground wearing a onesie --

a našla ho sediaceho a zhrbeného na zemi v overale,

those kinds of outfits that zip in the back.

čo má zips vzadu.

I watched him for about an hour as he yanked at it,

Pozorovala som ho asi hodinu, ako sa v ňom mykal

trying to find a way out of this thing.

a snažil sa z neho dostať.

And it's supposed to be practical,

Malo to byť praktické,

but to me it looked like a straightjacket.

ale mne to pripadalo ako kazajka.

And so I ran out.

A tak som odtiaľ utiekla.

I left him there.

Nechala som ho tam.

I sat in my truck -- his old truck --

Nastúpila som do môjho nákladiaku, jeho starého nákladiaku,

hunched over,

zhrbená,

this really deep guttural cry coming out of the pit of my belly.

taký hlboký hrdelný plač mi vychádzal z hĺbky brucha.

I just couldn't believe that my father,

Nemohla som uveriť, že môj otec,

the Adonis of my youth,

Adonis mojej mladosti,

my really dear friend,

môj skutočne drahý priateľ,

would think that this kind of life was worth living anymore.

by bol názoru, že takýto život bol ešte hodný žitia.

We're programmed to prioritize productivity.

Sme naprogramovaní pripisovať najväčšiu dôležitosť aktivite.

So when a person -- an Adonis in this case --

Takže keď človek, v tomto prípade Adonis,

is no longer productive in the way we expect him to be,

už viac nie je aktívny tak, ako sa to od neho očakáva,

the way that he expects himself to be,

ako on sám očakáva,

what value does that life have left?

akú hodnotu má potom život?

That day in the truck,

V ten deň v aute

all I could imagine was that my dad was being tortured

som si vedela predstaviť iba to, že môj otec je týraný

and his body was the vessel of that torture.

a jeho telo je nádoba toho týrania.

I've got to get him out of that body.

Musím ho dostať z tela von.

I've got to get him out of that body; I'm going to kill Dad.

Musím ho dostať z tela von, otca zabijem.

I call my sister.

Volám sestre.

"Beth," she said.

„Beth,“ povedala.

"You don't want to live the rest of your life

„nechceš žiť zvyšok života s myšlienkou,

knowing that you killed your father.

že si zabila vlastného otca.

And you'd be arrested I think,

A myslím si, že by ťa zatkli,

because he can't condone it.

lebo on to nemôže ospravedlniť.

And you don't even know how to buy heroin."

A ty ani nevieš, ako kúpiť heroín.“

(Laughter)

(smiech)

It's true, I don't.

To je pravda, neviem.

(Laughter)

(smiech)

The truth is we talk about his death a lot.

Pravdou je, že o jeho smrti veľa hovoríme.

When will it happen? What will it be like?

Kedy nastane? Aká bude?

But I wish that we would have talked about death when we were all healthy.

Ale bola by som radšej, keby sme o smrti boli hovorili, kým sme boli všetci zdraví.

What does my best death look like?

Ako vyzerá moja najlepšia smrť?

What does your best death look like?

Ako vyzerá tvoja najlepšia smrť?

But my family didn't know to do that.

Ale moja rodina to neurobila.

And my sister was right.

A moja sestra mala pravdu.

I shouldn't murder Dad with heroin,

Nemala by som zabiť otca heroínom,

but I've got to get him out of that body.

ale musím ho dostať z tela von.

So I went to a psychic.

Tak som išla k okultistke.

And then a priest, and then a support group,

A potom ku kňazovi a do podpornej skupiny,

and they all said the same thing:

a všetci mi povedali to isté:

sometimes people hang on when they're worried about loved ones.

Niekedy sa ľudia držia pri živote, lebo sa boja o svojich blízkych.

Just tell them you're safe, and it's OK to go when you're ready.

Povedz im, že si v bezpečí a že je v poriadku odísť, keď sú pripravení.

So I went to see Dad.

Tak som išla za otcom.

I found him hunched over on the ground in the onesie.

Našla som ho zhrbeného na zemi v overale.

He was staring past me and just kind of looking at the ground.

Pozeral sa za mňa a tak nejako do zeme.

I gave him a ginger ale

Dala som mu zázvorové pivo

and just started talking about nothing in particular,

a začali sme sa rozprávať o ničom konkrétnom,

but as I was talking, he sneezed from the ginger ale.

ale ako som rozprávala, kýchol si z toho piva.

And the sneeze -- it jerked his body upright,

A to kýchnutie ním myklo smerom nahor

sparking him back to life a little bit.

a dalo mu malú iskru do života.

And he just kept drinking and sneezing and sparking, over and over and over again

Pokračoval v pití a kýchaní a iskrení, znova a znova a znova,

until it stopped.

až kým to neprestalo.

And I heard,

A počula som,

"Heheheheheh,

„Heheheheheh,

heheheheheh ...

heheheheheh...

this is so fabulous.

je to úžasné.

This is so fabulous."

Je to úžasné.“

His eyes were open and he was looking at me,

Mal oči otvorené a pozeral sa na mňa

and I said, "Hi, Dad!"

a povedala som mu: „Ahoj, tati!“

and he said, "Hiya, Beth."

A on odpovedal, „Ahoj, Beth.“

And I opened my mouth to tell him, right?

Otvorila som ústa, aby som mu to povedala.

"Dad, if you want to die, you can die.

„Tati, ak chceš zomrieť, tak môžeš.

We're all OK."

Všetci sme v poriadku.“

But as I opened my mouth to tell him,

Ale ako som otvorila ústa,

all I could say was, "Dad!

vedela som povedať len, „Tati!

I miss you."

Chýbaš mi.“

And then he said, "Well, I miss you, too."

A on odpovedal, „Aj ty mi chýbaš.“

And then I just fell over because I'm just a mess.

A potom som sa iba prevalila, lebo som nemehlo.

So I fell over and I sat there with him

Takže som sa iba prevalila a sedela tam s ním,

because for the first time in a long time he seemed kind of OK.

pretože po prvýkrát za dlhý čas sa zdal byť v poriadku.

And I memorized his hands,

A zapamätala som si jeho ruky,

feeling so grateful that his spirit was still attached to his body.

a bola vďačná, že jeho duch bol stále pripútaný k jeho telu.

And in that moment I realized

A v tom momente som si uvedomila,

I'm not responsible for this person.

že nie som zodpovedná za tohto človeka.

I'm not his doctor,

Nie som jeho doktor.

I'm not his mother,

Nie som jeho matka.

I'm certainly not his God,

Určite nie som jeho Boh

and maybe the best way to help him and me

a možno ten najlepší spôsob, ako pomôcť jemu aj sebe,

is to resume our roles as father and daughter.

je znova prebrať naše úlohy otca a dcéry.

And so we just sat there,

A tak sme tam len sedeli,

calm and quiet like we've always done.

pokojne a ticho, ako sme vždy zvykli.

Nobody was productive.

Nikto nebol aktívny.

Both of us are still strong.

Obaja sme stále silní.

"OK, Dad. I'm going to go,

„OK, tati. Teraz odídem,

but I'll see you tomorrow."

ale zajtra prídem znova.“

"OK," he said.

„OK,“ povedal.

"Hey,

„Hej,

this is a pretty nice hacienda."

toto je celkom pekná hacienda.“

Thank you.

Ďakujem.

(Applause)

(potlesk)