Did you hear the one about the Iranian-American? | Maz Jobrani

Prevodilac: Elizabeta Petrovic Lektor: Vanja Cakić

I was one of the founding members of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour.

Bio sam jedan od osnivača

Turneje Komedije Osovine Zla.

The other founding members included Ahmed Ahmed,

Drugi osnivači su Ahmed Ahmed,

who is an Egyptian-American, who actually had the idea

ko je egipatski Amerikanac,

čija je ideja zapravo bila da odemo na Bliski Istok i probamo.

to go to the Middle East and try it out before we went out as a tour.

Pre nego što smo napravili turneju,

He went out solo and did it first.

on je otišao sam i uradio to.

Then there was Aron Kader, who was the Palestinian-American.

Onda je tu bio Aron Kader, ko je palestinski Amerikanac.

And then there was me, the Iranian-American of the group.

I tu sam bio ja, iranski Amerikanac u grupi.

Now, being Iranian-American presents its own set of problems,

Sada, biti iranski Amerikanac

ima i svojih problema, kao što znate.

as you know.

Those two countries aren't getting along these days.

Te dve zemlje se ne slažu ovih dana.

So it causes a lot of inner conflict, you know,

I to izaziva dosta unutrašnjih konflikata, znate,

like part of me likes me, part of me hates me.

kao deo mene me voli, deo mene me mrzi.

(Laughter)

Part of me thinks I should have a nuclear program,

Deo mene misli da bi trebalo da imam nuklearni program,

the other part thinks I can't be trusted with one.

drugi deo mene misli da mi se ne može verovati sa istim.

These are dilemmas I have every day.

Postoje dileme koje imam svakog dana.

But I was born in Iran; I'm now an American citizen,

Ali ja sam rođen u Iranu; sada sam američki građanin,

which means I have the American passport,

što znači da imam američki pasoš,

which means I can travel.

što znači da mogu da putujem.

Because if you only have the Iranian passport,

Jer ako imate samo iranski pasoš,

you're kind of limited to the countries you can go to with open arms,

onda ste ograničeni u kojim zemljama možete da odete

sa dobrodošlicom, znate --

you know -- Syria, Venezuela, North Korea.

Sirija, Venecuela, Severna Koreja.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

So, anyone who's gotten their passport in America will tell you,

A svako ko dobije američki pasoš

će vam reći, kada dobijete pasoš,

when you get it, it still says what country you were born in.

i dalje će da stoji zemlja u kojoj ste rođeni.

So I remember getting my American passport.

I sećam se kada sam dobio američki pasoš.

I was like, "Woo-hoo! I'm going to travel."

Bilo je kao : 'Wuhu! Ima da putujem!'

And I opened it up, it said, "Born in Iran." I'm like, "Oh, come on, man!"

I kada sam ga otvorio, pisalo je 'Rođen u Iranu'. A ja kao: 'Ma daj, čoveče.'

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

"I'm trying to go places."

'Hoću da putujem.'

(Laughter)

But what's interesting is,

Ali interesantno je to, da nikada nisam imao problema

I've never had trouble in any Western countries with my American passport,

sa putovanjem u ostalim Zapadnim zemljama sa svojim američkim pasošem,

even though it says, "Born in Iran" -- no problems.

iako piše : 'Rođen u Iranu.'. Nema problema.

Where I've had problems is in some of the Arab countries.

Dok sam imao nekih problema u nekim arapskim zemljama,

I guess some of the Arab countries aren't getting along with Iran either.

jer pretpostavljam da se neke arapske zemlje takođe ne slažu sa Iranom.

I bio sam u Kuvajtu skoro,

So I was in Kuwait recently, doing a comedy show

imao komičarski nastup sa nekim američkim komičarima.

with some other American comedians.

Svi su prošli, i onda je aerodromska patrola videla moj američki pasoš.

They all went through.

Then the border patrol saw my American passport: "Ah-ha! American, great."

' Ah ha! Amerikanac, super.'

Then he opened it up. "Born in Iran? Wait."

I onda ga je otvorio. 'Rođen u Iranu? Čekaj.'

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And he started asking me questions.

I onda je počeo sa pitanjima.

He said, "What is your father's name?"

Rekao je: 'Kako ti se zove otac?'

I said, "Well, he's passed away, but his name was Khosro."

Rekao sam: 'Pa, preminuo je, ali se zvao Khosro'.

He goes, "What is your grandfather's name?"

Pita: ' Kako ti se zove deda?'

Rekao sam: ' On je odavno preminuo.

I said, "He passed away a long time ago.

Zvao se Džabar.'

His name was Jabbar."

He says, "You wait. I'll be back," and he walked away.

Rekao je ' Čekaj. Vratiću se.' i otišao je.

Počeo sam da paničim.

And I started freaking out,

because I don't know what kind of crap my grandfather was into.

jer ne znam u kakva sranja je moj deda bio.

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

Mislio sam da će momak da se vrati i biti kao

Thought the guy was going to come back and be like,

'Tražili smo te 200 godina.'

"We've been looking for you for 200 years."

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

"Your grandfather has a parking violation. It's way overdue.

'Tvoj deda je imao kaznu za parkiranje. Odavno nije plaćeno.

Duguješ nam 2 milijarde dolara.'

You owe us two billion dollars."

(Laughter)

But as you can see, when I talk, I speak with an American accent,

Ali kao što vidite, kada pričam,

pričam sa američkim akcentom, pa biste onda pomislili

which you would think, as an Iranian-American actor,

da kao iransko-američki glumac,

I should be able to play any part, good, bad, what have you.

mogu da igram bilo koju ulogu, dobru, lošu, koju god.

But a lot of times in Hollywood,

Ali dosta puta u Holivudu,

when casting directors find out you're of Middle Eastern descent,

kada reditelji saznaju da imaš poreklo sa Bliskog Istoka,

they go, "Oh, you're Iranian. Great!

onda kažu : 'Oh, ti si Iranac. Super.

Can you say 'I will kill you in the name of Allah?'"

Možeš li da kažeš 'Ubiću te u ime Alaha?'"

I go, "I could say that, but what if I were to say,

"Mogu da kažem to, šta ako kažem

'Hello. I'm your doctor'?"

'Zdravo. Ja sam vaš doktor?'"

They go, "Great! And then you hijack the hospital."

Onda kažu : "Super. I onda otmeš bolnicu."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Like, I think you're missing the point here.

Mislim da propuštate poentu.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind playing bad guys.

Ne shvatite me pogrešno, ne smeta mi da igram loše momke.

I want to play a bad guy. I want to rob a bank.

Hoću da glumim lošem momka. Hoću da opljačkam banku.

I want to rob a bank in a film,

Hoću da opljačkam banku na filmu. Hoću da opljačkam banku na filmu,

but do it with a gun, not with a bomb strapped around me, right?

ali sa pištoljem, sa pištoljem a ne sa bombom zalepljenom oko mene,da.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Because I imagine the director: "Maz, I think your character

Jer zamišljam reditelja kako kaže :"Maz, mislim da bi tvoj lik

opljačkao banku sa bombom oko sebe."

would rob the bank with a bomb around him."

"Why would I do that?

"Zašto bih to uradio?

If I want the money, why would I kill myself?"

Ako želim pare, zašto bih se ubio?"

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Tačno.

Right?

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

"Gimme all your money, or I'll blow myself up!"

"Daj mi sav novac, ili ću da se miniram."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

"Well, then blow yourself up.

"Pa, miniraj se.

(Laughter)

Just do it outside, please."

Samo uradi to napolje."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

But the fact is, there's good people everywhere.

Ali je činjenica da svuda ima dobrih ljudi.

That's what I try and show in my stand-up, good people everywhere.

To i pokušavam da pokažem u svom stanup-u. Svuda ima dobrih ljudi.

I dovoljna je jedna osoba da to upropasti.

All it takes in one person to mess it up.

Kao na primer, pre mesec dana na Tajms Skveru u Njuroku,

Like a couple months ago in Times Square in New York,

bio je jedan muslimanski Pakistanac koji je probao da eksplodira kola.

there was a Pakistani Muslim guy who tried to blow up a car bomb.

Sada, desilo se da sam bio na Tajms Skveru te noći

Now, I happened to be in Times Square that night doing a comedy show.

i imao sam komičarki šou.

And a few months before that, there was a white American guy in Austin, Texas

I nekoliko meseci pre toga, bio je jedan Amerikanac koji je belac u Ostinu, Teksas

koji se zabio svojim avionom u zgradu poreske uprave,

who flew his airplane into the IRS building,

and I happened to be in Austin that day doing a stand-up comedy show.

i bio sam tada u Ostinu

i imao sam standup šou.

Now I'll tell you, as a Middle-Eastern male,

Sada, kažem vam, kao muškarac sa Bliskog Istoka,

when you show up around a lot of these activities,

kada se puno puta zateknete pored ovakvih aktivnosti,

you start feeling guilty at one point.

u jednom trenutku počnete da se osećate krivim.

(Laughter)

Gledao sam vesti. Mislio sam : " Da li sam umešan u ovo?'

I was watching the news. I'm like, "Am I involved in this crap?"

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

"I didn't get the memo. What's going on?"

"Nije mi stiglo obaveštenje. Šta se dešava?"

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

But what was interesting was,

Ali je bilo interesantno to da muslimski Pakistanac --

the Pakistani Muslim guy -- see, he gives a bad name to Muslims

vidite, daje loše ime muslimanima

and Middle Easterners and Pakistanis from all over the world.

i ljudima sa Bliskog Istoka i Pakistancima iz celog sveta.

And one thing that happened there was also the Pakistani Taliban

I jedna stvar koja se desila je ta da je pakistanski Taliban

took credit for that failed car bombing.

rekao da je on kriv za neuspelo miniranje automobila.

My question is: Why would you take credit for a failed car bombing?

Moje pitanje je: zašto bi rekao da si kriv za

neuspelo miniranje automobila?

"We just want to say:

"Samo hoćemo da kažemo

we tried."

probali smo."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

"And furthermore ...

"I dalje,

(Laughter)

važna je ideja."

it is the thought that counts."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

"And in conclusion, win some, lose some."

"Da zaključim, negde pobediš, negde izgubiš."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

But what happened was, when the white guy flew his plane into the building,

Ali ono što se desilo je to da kada belac udari avionom u zgradu,

znam da su svi moji muslimanski i prijatelji sa Bliskog Istoka u SAD-u

I know all my Middle Eastern and Muslim friends in the States

gledali TV i mislili: "Molim te nemoj da budeš sa Bliskog Istoka.

were watching TV, going,

Nemoj da budeš Hasan. Nemoj da budeš Husein."

"Please, don't be Middle Eastern. Don't be Hassan or Hussein."

I ime je izašlo : Džek. I vrisnuo sam 'Vuuuu!

And the name came out: Jack. I'm like, "Woooo! That's not one of us!"

Nije od naših.'

But I kept watching the news in case they came back,

Ali sam nastavio da gledam vesti za slučaj da se vrate,

i budu kao : "Pre nego što je to uradio, prešao je u Islam."

and were like, "Before he did it, he converted to Islam."

"Dođavola! Zašto Džek? Zašto?"

"Damn it! Why Jack? Why?"

But the fact is, I've been lucky

Ali činjenica je da sam imao sreću

to get a chance to perform all over the world,

da nastupam u celom svetu,

and I did a lot of shows in the Middle East.

i imao sam dosta nastupa na Bliskom Istoku.

I just did a seven-country solo tour.

I upravo sam sam završio turneju u 7 država.

I was in Oman, and I was in Saudi Arabia.

Bio sam u Omanu, i u Saudijskog Arabiji.

Bio sam u Dubaiju.

I was in Dubai.

And it's great, there's good people everywhere.

I super je, ima dobrih ljudi svuda.

And you learn great things about these places.

I može dosta da se nauči o ovim mestima.

I encourage people always to go visit these places.

Ja podržavam ljude da posete ova mesta.

Na primer, Dubai -- kul mesto.

For example, Dubai -- cool place.

They're obsessed with having the biggest, tallest, longest, as we all know.

Opsednuti su sa time da imaju najveće, najviše, najduže, kao što svi znamo.

Imaju tamo tržni centar, Dubai Tržni Centar.

They have a mall there, the Dubai Mall.

Toliko je veliko, da imaju taxi unutar centra.

It is so big, they have taxis in the mall.

I was walking. I heard, "Beep! Beep!" I'm like, "What are you doing here?"

Šetao sam. I čuo sam "Bip, bip."

Pitao sam :"Šta radiš ovde?"

He goes, "I'm going to the Zara store. It's three miles away.

Rekao je:"Idem u prodavnicu Zara. Na 3 milja je odavde.

Skloni se.Skloni se. Skloni se."

Out of my way. Out of my way. Out of my way."

(Laughter)

And what's crazy -- there's a recession going on, even in Dubai,

I ludo je to što je recesija u Dubaiju,

ali ne biste znali po cenama.

but you wouldn't know by the prices.

Like in the Dubai Mall, they sell frozen yogurt by the gram.

Na primer u Dubai Tržnom Centru,

prodaju smrznuti jogurt na gram.

It's like a drug deal.

Kao drogu.

I was walking by. The guy goes, "Psst! Habibi, my friend."

Šetao sam i neki lik reče:"Psst. Habibi (dragi), prijatelju."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

"You want some frozen yogurt?

"Hoćeš malo smrznutog jogurta?

(Laughter)

Come here. Come here. Come here.

Dođi. Dođi. Dođi.

I have one gram, five gram, 10 gram. How many gram do you want?"

Imam jedan gram, 5 grama, 10 grama. Koliko grama hoćeš?"

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I bought five grams. 10 dollars. 10 dollars! I said, "What's in this?"

Kupio sam 5 grama. 10 dolara. 10 dolara! Rekao sam: "Šta je ovo?"

He's like, "Good stuff, man. Colombian. Top of the line."

Rekao je :" Dobra stvar, čoveče. Kolumijski. Najbolje. Najbolje."

(Laughter)

Druga stvar koju ponekad naučite je

The other thing you learn when you travel in these countries,

da kada putujete u zemlje Bliskog Istoka,

in the Middle East, Latin American, South American countries,

nekada u zemljama Latinske Amerike, zemlje Južne Amerke --

a lot of times when they build stuff, there's no rules and regulations.

dosta puta kada grade

nema pravila i regulisanja.

For example, I took my two-year-old son to the playground at the Dubai Mall.

Na primer, odveo sam svog dvogodišnjeg sina na igralište u Dubai Tržnom Centru.

And I've taken him to playgrounds all over the United States.

I vodio sam ga na igrališta po celoj SAD.

And when you put your two-year-old on a slide in the United States,

I kada stavite dvogodišnje dete na tobogan u SAD-u,

oni stave nešto na tobogan

they put something on the slide

to slow the kid down as he comes down the slide.

da uspori dete dok se spušta.

Not in the Middle East.

Ne na Bliskom Istoku.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I put my two-year-old on the slide, he went whoosh! He took off!

Stavio sam svog dvogodišnjaka na tobogan, i krenuo je frrmrmrm! Jurnuo je.

(Laughter)

Otišao sam dole. Vrisnuo sam: "Gde mi je sin?"

I went down and, "Where's my son?" "On the third floor, sir. Third floor."

"Na trećem spratu, gospodine. Na trećem spratu."

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

"You take a taxi. You go to Zara. Make a left."

"Uzmite taksi. Odite do Zare. Pa skrenite."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

"Try the yogurt. It's very good. Little expensive."

"Probajte jogurt. Dobar je. Malo skuplji."

(Laughter)

But one thing I try to do with my stand-up is break stereotypes.

Ali jedna od stvari koje pokušavam da uradim sa svojim standup-om je da razbijem stereotipe.

Takođe sam i kriv za stereotipe.

And I've been guilty of stereotyping as well.

Bio sam u Dubaiju. Ima puno Indijaca koj rade u Dubaiju.

I was in Dubai. And there's a lot of Indians who work in Dubai.

I nisu dobro plaćeni.

And they don't get paid that well.

And I got it in my head that all the Indians must be workers.

I po meni je bilo da su svi Indijci radnici.

I zaboravio sam očigledno ima i uspešnih Indijaca u Dubaiju.

I forgot there's obviously successful Indians in Dubai too.

Imao sam šou,

I was doing a show, and they said, "We'll send a driver to pick you up."

i rekli su:"Poslaćemo vozača da te pokupi."

I went down to the lobby, and saw this Indian guy.

I otišao sam u predvorje, i video Indijca.

Mislio sam da je on sigurno moj vozač.

I go, "He must be my driver,"

since he's standing there in a cheap suit, thin mustache, staring at me.

Jer je stojao tamo u jeftinom odelu, sa tankim brkovima, gledajući u mene.

I otišao sam tamo :"Izvinite, gospodine, da li ste vi moj vozač?"

I say, "Excuse me, are you my driver?"

Rekao je:"Ne, gospodine. Ja posedujem ovaj hotel."

He goes, "No, sir. I own the hotel."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I go, "I'm sorry! Why were you staring at me?"

I rekao sam:"Izvinite. Zašto ste me onda gledali?"

He goes, "I thought you were my driver."

Rekao sam:"Mislio sam da ste moj vozač."

(Laughter)

(Aplauz)

(Applause)

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I'll leave you with this: I try, with my stand-up, to break stereotypes,

I ostaviću vas s ovim: Pokušavam, svojim standup-om, da razbijem stereotipe,

present Middle Easterners and Muslims in a positive light.

da predstavim ljude sa Bliskog Istoka u pozitivnom svetlu -- Muslimane u pozitivnom svetlu--

i nadam se da u dolazećim godinama,

I hope that in the coming years,

more film and television programs come out of Hollywood,

da će više filmova i tv programa koji dolaze iz Holivuda

presenting us in a positive light.

da nas predstave u pozitivnom svetlu.

Who knows? Maybe one day, we'll even have our own James Bond. Right?

Ko zna, možda jednog dana vidimo i našeg Džejms Bonda, da.

"My name is Bond.

"Moje ime je Bond, Džamal Bond."

Jamal Bond."

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

Til then, I'll keep telling jokes. Hope you keep laughing.

Dotle, i dalje ću da pričam viceve. Nadam se da ćete i dalje da se smejete.

Želim vam dobar dan. Hvala vam.

Have a good day. Thank you.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)