Did you hear the one about the Iranian-American? | Maz Jobrani

翻译人员: Angelia King 校对人员: Zhu Jie

I was one of the founding members of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour.

我是邪恶轴心喜剧团

的创始成员之一。

The other founding members included Ahmed Ahmed,

其他的创始成员包括

who is an Egyptian-American, who actually had the idea

一个埃及裔美国人艾哈迈德·艾哈迈德，

他有了这个喜剧团想法就来到中东进行创作。

to go to the Middle East and try it out before we went out as a tour.

在我们开始喜剧团巡回演出前，

He went out solo and did it first.

艾哈迈德首当其冲地进行个人表演。

Then there was Aron Kader, who was the Palestinian-American.

接下来是巴勒斯坦裔美国人阿隆·卡德尔，

And then there was me, the Iranian-American of the group.

还有我，这团队里的伊朗裔美国人。

Now, being Iranian-American presents its own set of problems,

现在，就如大家所知，作为伊朗裔美国人

我内心有很多矛盾。

as you know.

Those two countries aren't getting along these days.

这两个国家最近关系不好。

So it causes a lot of inner conflict, you know,

这就造成我很多内心冲突，

like part of me likes me, part of me hates me.

比如我有时喜欢我自己，有时又恨我自己的一部分。

(Laughter)

Part of me thinks I should have a nuclear program,

我自身一部分认为伊朗有核计划，

the other part thinks I can't be trusted with one.

另一部分又认为美国不可信。

These are dilemmas I have every day.

每天我都会有这些困境。

But I was born in Iran; I'm now an American citizen,

但是我出生在伊朗，现在是美国公民，

which means I have the American passport,

这意味着我持有美国护照，

which means I can travel.

可以旅游。

Because if you only have the Iranian passport,

假如你仅持有伊朗的护照，

you're kind of limited to the countries you can go to with open arms,

有限的国家会

热烈欢迎你，比如

you know -- Syria, Venezuela, North Korea.

叙利亚，委内瑞拉和朝鲜。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So, anyone who's gotten their passport in America will tell you,

所以在美国持有护照的人会知道，

在你的护照上

when you get it, it still says what country you were born in.

还标有你的出生国。

So I remember getting my American passport.

所以我记得我拿到美国护照时，

I was like, "Woo-hoo! I'm going to travel."

我有点兴奋，“哇噢，我可以去旅游了。”

And I opened it up, it said, "Born in Iran." I'm like, "Oh, come on, man!"

但我一打开看，护照上写“出生地伊朗”。我很失意“哦，不会吧这都写，山姆大叔。”

（笑声）

(Laughter)

"I'm trying to go places."

“我还想去很多地方呢。”

(Laughter)

But what's interesting is,

但有意思的是持有美国护照在任何西方国家旅游，我从来没有遇到

I've never had trouble in any Western countries with my American passport,

任何麻烦，

even though it says, "Born in Iran" -- no problems.

尽管有“出生地伊朗”没问题。

Where I've had problems is in some of the Arab countries.

相反在阿拉伯的一些国家遇到麻烦，

I guess some of the Arab countries aren't getting along with Iran either.

我猜是因为阿拉伯的一些国家也没和伊朗打好关系。

最近我和其他一些美国同事在科威特

So I was in Kuwait recently, doing a comedy show

做喜剧演出。

with some other American comedians.

他们都通关了，然后边境巡逻看着我的美国护照。

They all went through.

Then the border patrol saw my American passport: "Ah-ha! American, great."

“啊哈，美国人，对吧。”

Then he opened it up. "Born in Iran? Wait."

然后他打开护照。“出生地伊朗？ 等等。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And he started asking me questions.

然后他开始盘查我一些问题。

He said, "What is your father's name?"

他说：“你父亲叫什么？”

I said, "Well, he's passed away, but his name was Khosro."

我说：“噢，他已经去世了，他叫胡萨罗。”

He goes, "What is your grandfather's name?"

他继续说：“你祖父叫什么？”

我说：“他也去世很久了，

I said, "He passed away a long time ago.

他叫贾巴。”

His name was Jabbar."

He says, "You wait. I'll be back," and he walked away.

他说：“你等等，我快去快回，”他走之后。

我开始害怕起来，

And I started freaking out,

because I don't know what kind of crap my grandfather was into.

因为我不晓得我祖父曾干过什么破烂事。

（笑声）

(Laughter)

设想那个人回来后会说，

Thought the guy was going to come back and be like,

“我们通缉你有200年了。”

"We've been looking for you for 200 years."

（笑声）

(Laughter)

"Your grandfather has a parking violation. It's way overdue.

“你祖父曾经违规停车，这是过期罚款单。

你欠我们二十亿美元。”

You owe us two billion dollars."

(Laughter)

But as you can see, when I talk, I speak with an American accent,

大家可以看出，

我讲话的口音是美国口音，你就会理所当然地认为，

which you would think, as an Iranian-American actor,

作为一名伊朗裔美国演员，

I should be able to play any part, good, bad, what have you.

我应该能胜任任何角色，正面角色，反面角色，随心所欲。

But a lot of times in Hollywood,

但是许多次在好莱坞，

when casting directors find out you're of Middle Eastern descent,

当选角导演知道我是中东后裔，

they go, "Oh, you're Iranian. Great!

他们说，“哦，你是伊朗人，好极了。

Can you say 'I will kill you in the name of Allah?'"

你能说台词‘以真主阿拉的名义我要杀死你’?”

I go, "I could say that, but what if I were to say,

“我可以说这句台词，但假若我说，

'Hello. I'm your doctor'?"

‘你好，我是你的医生’呢？”

They go, "Great! And then you hijack the hospital."

他们说，“那好吧，然后你劫持医院。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Like, I think you're missing the point here.

我认为大家没完全理解我这的用意。

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind playing bad guys.

请别误解我，我不介意扮演反面角色。

I want to play a bad guy. I want to rob a bank.

我也想扮演反面角色。我想抢劫银行。

I want to rob a bank in a film,

在一部电影里我想抢劫银行，

but do it with a gun, not with a bomb strapped around me, right?

但我要带枪，而不是把炸弹绑在我身上。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Because I imagine the director: "Maz, I think your character

因为我设想导演用意，“马兹，我认为你是一个

在身上绑着炸药的抢劫犯角色。”

would rob the bank with a bomb around him."

"Why would I do that?

“我为什么要那样做？

If I want the money, why would I kill myself?"

如果我想要钱，为什么我要送自己上西天？”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

对吧。

Right?

(Applause)

（掌声）

"Gimme all your money, or I'll blow myself up!"

“掏出你们所有的钱，要不我就炸飞自己。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

"Well, then blow yourself up.

“好吧，那你就去炸吧。

(Laughter)

Just do it outside, please."

不过请在外面引爆。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But the fact is, there's good people everywhere.

但事实是，全世界都有好人。

That's what I try and show in my stand-up, good people everywhere.

这也是我们喜剧团要展示的内容。全世界哪儿都有好人坏人，

只是一粒老鼠屎坏了一锅粥。

All it takes in one person to mess it up.

就如一两个月前在纽约时代广场，

Like a couple months ago in Times Square in New York,

有个巴基斯坦穆斯林男子试图自我引爆炸毁一个汽车。

there was a Pakistani Muslim guy who tried to blow up a car bomb.

当天晚上我也正好在时代广场

Now, I happened to be in Times Square that night doing a comedy show.

做喜剧秀。

And a few months before that, there was a white American guy in Austin, Texas

在此之前几个月，得克萨斯州奥斯汀市的一个美国白种人

开飞机撞美国国税局大楼，

who flew his airplane into the IRS building,

and I happened to be in Austin that day doing a stand-up comedy show.

我那一天也碰巧在奥斯汀

做脱口秀喜剧演出。

Now I'll tell you, as a Middle-Eastern male,

我告诉大家，作为一个中东裔的男人，

when you show up around a lot of these activities,

当你老在这一类活动旁出现，

you start feeling guilty at one point.

你某种程度上开始感到有罪。

(Laughter)

我看着这些消息，我有种罪恶感觉，“是不是我也参与进了这种破烂事？”

I was watching the news. I'm like, "Am I involved in this crap?"

（笑声）

(Laughter)

"I didn't get the memo. What's going on?"

“我没有收到犯罪备案。怎么回事啊？”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But what was interesting was,

但有意思的是，巴基斯坦穆斯林男子的行为

the Pakistani Muslim guy -- see, he gives a bad name to Muslims

搞坏了全球穆斯林信徒的名声，

and Middle Easterners and Pakistanis from all over the world.

以及所有中东国家的人们和所有巴基斯坦人的名声。

And one thing that happened there was also the Pakistani Taliban

接下来是巴基斯坦塔利班组织

took credit for that failed car bombing.

宣布对那场失败的汽车炸弹事件负责。

My question is: Why would you take credit for a failed car bombing?

我的疑问是：为什么你要对

一场失败的汽车炸弹事件负责？

"We just want to say:

“我们只是想说，

we tried."

我们尽心尝试过了。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

"And furthermore ...

“而且，

(Laughter)

意思意思就行了。”

it is the thought that counts."

(Laughter)

（笑声）

(Applause)

（掌声）

"And in conclusion, win some, lose some."

“而在最后，有得也有失。（没炸成反而坏了名声。）”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But what happened was, when the white guy flew his plane into the building,

但当一个白人开飞机撞向国税局大楼时，

我知道所有我在美国的中东和穆斯林朋友们

I know all my Middle Eastern and Muslim friends in the States

边看着电视，边期待,“请不要是中东人。

were watching TV, going,

不是哈桑，不是侯赛因。”

"Please, don't be Middle Eastern. Don't be Hassan or Hussein."

当名字出来时是杰克，我有种如释重负，“呜啊！

And the name came out: Jack. I'm like, "Woooo! That's not one of us!"

他不是我们中的一员。

But I kept watching the news in case they came back,

但我继续看新闻，以防有新消息，

比如“在他做这事之前，他已改变信仰成为伊斯兰教徒。”

and were like, "Before he did it, he converted to Islam."

“可恶，为什么杰克？为什么？”

"Damn it! Why Jack? Why?"

But the fact is, I've been lucky

但事实是，我一直很荣幸地有机会

to get a chance to perform all over the world,

在世界各地进行表演。

and I did a lot of shows in the Middle East.

我在中东也有很多表演。

I just did a seven-country solo tour.

我刚做完一个七个国家的个人秀演出。

I was in Oman, and I was in Saudi Arabia.

我在阿曼，沙特阿拉伯，

在迪拜表演。

I was in Dubai.

And it's great, there's good people everywhere.

到处我都见到好人，这真是太棒了。

And you learn great things about these places.

关于这些不同的地方，大家能学到很多东西。

I encourage people always to go visit these places.

我鼓励人们常去参观这些地方。

例如迪拜，非常酷的地方。

For example, Dubai -- cool place.

They're obsessed with having the biggest, tallest, longest, as we all know.

正如大家所知，那里痴迷于最大的，最高的，最长的等等。

那里有个迪拜购物中心。

They have a mall there, the Dubai Mall.

它是如此之大，在迪拜购物中心竟然还有的士。

It is so big, they have taxis in the mall.

I was walking. I heard, "Beep! Beep!" I'm like, "What are you doing here?"

我正走着，听到“嘟嘟声”。

我想“的士怎么跑到这来了？”

He goes, "I'm going to the Zara store. It's three miles away.

他说，“我要去Zara精品店，有3英里远。

让开,让开,别挡我。”

Out of my way. Out of my way. Out of my way."

(Laughter)

And what's crazy -- there's a recession going on, even in Dubai,

最惊奇的是甚至在迪拜经济不景气的时候，

你从物价上还是看不出来。

but you wouldn't know by the prices.

Like in the Dubai Mall, they sell frozen yogurt by the gram.

在迪拜购物中心，

他们卖以克称量的冷冻酸奶。

It's like a drug deal.

搞得好像毒品交易。

I was walking by. The guy goes, "Psst! Habibi, my friend."

我正走过时，一个男子说，“嗨，嗨，我亲爱的朋友。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

"You want some frozen yogurt?

“你想要一些冷冻酸奶吗？

(Laughter)

Come here. Come here. Come here.

来这里，请来这里。

I have one gram, five gram, 10 gram. How many gram do you want?"

我有一克，五克，十克的，你想要几克？”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I bought five grams. 10 dollars. 10 dollars! I said, "What's in this?"

我买了五克，十美元。十美元啊! 我说，“这究竟是什么？”

He's like, "Good stuff, man. Colombian. Top of the line."

他说，“好东西，先生，产自哥伦比亚。上等货色。绝对好。”

(Laughter)

当你在这些国家，

The other thing you learn when you travel in these countries,

如中东国家，

in the Middle East, Latin American, South American countries,

拉丁美洲的国家，南美洲的国家旅行，有时你学到一些东西--

a lot of times when they build stuff, there's no rules and regulations.

很多他们建筑

没有规则和规章。

For example, I took my two-year-old son to the playground at the Dubai Mall.

例如，我带我2岁的儿子到迪拜购物中心的游乐场。

And I've taken him to playgrounds all over the United States.

我也曾带我2岁的儿子到全美的游乐场玩。

And when you put your two-year-old on a slide in the United States,

在美国你把你2岁儿子放到滑梯，

美国人把滑梯设计得

they put something on the slide

to slow the kid down as he comes down the slide.

可以减缓孩子下滑的速度，他就顺着滑梯慢慢下来。

Not in the Middle East.

这不会发生在中东。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I put my two-year-old on the slide, he went whoosh! He took off!

我把2岁儿子放到滑梯，他滋溜一下滑了出去。

(Laughter)

我下去接，我问，“我儿子到哪去了？”

I went down and, "Where's my son?" "On the third floor, sir. Third floor."

“在第三层楼，先生。在第三层。”

（笑声）

(Laughter)

"You take a taxi. You go to Zara. Make a left."

“你要打的，到Zara，再左转。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

"Try the yogurt. It's very good. Little expensive."

“尝尝冷冻酸奶。它非常棒，一点点贵。”

(Laughter)

But one thing I try to do with my stand-up is break stereotypes.

我在喜剧团要做的事其中之一是打破陈见旧习。

我也因自己的成见而自责。

And I've been guilty of stereotyping as well.

我曾在迪拜。在当地有很多印度人打工。

I was in Dubai. And there's a lot of Indians who work in Dubai.

他们的待遇很差。

And they don't get paid that well.

And I got it in my head that all the Indians must be workers.

在我脑海中，那里的所有印度人必是工人。

我忘记了在迪拜也明显有成功的印度人。

I forgot there's obviously successful Indians in Dubai too.

我在做一个节目，

I was doing a show, and they said, "We'll send a driver to pick you up."

团队说，“我们派人来接送你。”

I went down to the lobby, and saw this Indian guy.

当我走出大厅，看到一个印度人。

我想，“他可能是我的司机。”

I go, "He must be my driver,"

since he's standing there in a cheap suit, thin mustache, staring at me.

因为他穿着便宜的西服站在那儿，留着小胡子，盯着我。

所以我过去问，“打扰一下，先生，你是我的司机吗？”

I say, "Excuse me, are you my driver?"

他回复，“不，先生，我是酒店的主人。”

He goes, "No, sir. I own the hotel."

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I go, "I'm sorry! Why were you staring at me?"

我说，“很抱歉。那么你为什么盯着我？”

He goes, "I thought you were my driver."

他说，“我认为你是我的司机。””

(Laughter)

（掌声）

(Applause)

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I'll leave you with this: I try, with my stand-up, to break stereotypes,

我给你们大家展示的是：我尽力，以我们的喜剧团表演去打破成见旧习，

present Middle Easterners and Muslims in a positive light.

从积极正面的角度展示中东人们和穆斯林人们，

我也希望在未来几年，

I hope that in the coming years,

more film and television programs come out of Hollywood,

更多好莱坞的电影和电视节目

presenting us in a positive light.

从积极正面角度展现我们中东人和穆斯林人。

Who knows? Maybe one day, we'll even have our own James Bond. Right?

谁晓得呢，说不准哪一天我们也会有我们自己的007詹姆斯.邦德超级特工，对吧。

"My name is Bond.

“我的名字是邦德，贾马勒.邦德。”

Jamal Bond."

（笑声）

(Laughter)

Til then, I'll keep telling jokes. Hope you keep laughing.

我会一直讲笑话。我希望大家继续开怀一笑。

祝大家愉快。谢谢。

Have a good day. Thank you.

(Applause)

（掌声）