Did you hear the one about the Iranian-American? | Maz Jobrani

Prevoditelj: Mislav Ante Omazić - EFZG Recezent: Romana Perković

I was one of the founding members of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour.

Bio sam jedan od osnivača

komičarske turneje "Osovina zla".

The other founding members included Ahmed Ahmed,

drugi osnivači su bili Ahmed Ahmed,

who is an Egyptian-American, who actually had the idea

koji je egipatski Amerikanac,

koji je stvarno imao ideju da ode na Bliski istok i iskuša ovo.

to go to the Middle East and try it out before we went out as a tour.

Prije nego što smo krenuli na turneju,

He went out solo and did it first.

otišao je solo i sam to učinio.

Then there was Aron Kader, who was the Palestinian-American.

Onda tu je bio Aron Kader, koji je palestinski Amerikanac.

And then there was me, the Iranian-American of the group.

I tu sam ja, iranski Amerikanac grupe.

Now, being Iranian-American presents its own set of problems,

Biti iranski Amerikanac

predstavlja zasebni set problema, znate.

as you know.

Those two countries aren't getting along these days.

Te dvije zemlje se ovih dana baš i ne slažu.

So it causes a lot of inner conflict, you know,

Što uzrokuje puno unutrašnjih sukoba, znate,

like part of me likes me, part of me hates me.

poput dijelu sebe se sviđam, a drugi dio me mrzi.

(Laughter)

Part of me thinks I should have a nuclear program,

Dio mene misli kako bih trebao imati nuklearni program,

the other part thinks I can't be trusted with one.

drugi dio misli, ne može mi se vjerovati.

These are dilemmas I have every day.

To su dileme koje imam svaki dan.

But I was born in Iran; I'm now an American citizen,

A ja sam rođen u Iranu; sada sam američki građanin,

which means I have the American passport,

što znači kako imam američku putovnicu,

which means I can travel.

što znači da mogu putovati.

Because if you only have the Iranian passport,

Jer ako samo imate iransku putovnicu,

you're kind of limited to the countries you can go to with open arms,

ograničeni ste u koje zemlje možete ići

otvorenih ruku, znate --

you know -- Syria, Venezuela, North Korea.

Sirija, Venecuela, Sjeverna Koreja.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

So, anyone who's gotten their passport in America will tell you,

Svatko tko je dobio svoju putovnicu u Americi

reći će vam, kada dobijete svoju putovnicu,

when you get it, it still says what country you were born in.

tamo još uvijek piše u kojoj ste zemlji rođeni.

So I remember getting my American passport.

Sjećam se dok sam dobivao američku putovnicu.

I was like, "Woo-hoo! I'm going to travel."

Mislio sam, "Vāu! Putovati ću."

And I opened it up, it said, "Born in Iran." I'm like, "Oh, come on, man!"

I otvorio sam je, i rekao, "Rođen u Iranu." Pomislih, "Ma hajde, čovječe."

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

"I'm trying to go places."

"Želim ići na neka mjesta."

(Laughter)

But what's interesting is,

Ali ono što je interesantno je, nikada nisam imao problema

I've never had trouble in any Western countries with my American passport,

dok sam putovao u bilo koju drugu zapadanu zemlju s mojom američkom putovnicom,

even though it says, "Born in Iran" -- no problems.

premda piše, "Rođen u Iranu." Nema problema.

Where I've had problems is in some of the Arab countries.

Imao sam nekih problema u arapskim zemljama,

I guess some of the Arab countries aren't getting along with Iran either.

jer se niti neke arapske zemlje ne slažu s Iranom.

I tako sam nedavno bio u Kuvajtu,

So I was in Kuwait recently, doing a comedy show

izvodili smo komediju s nekim drugim američkim komičarima.

with some other American comedians.

Svi su prošli, a onda je granična patrola vidjela moju američku putovnicu.

They all went through.

Then the border patrol saw my American passport: "Ah-ha! American, great."

"Ah ha! Amerikanac, odlično."

Then he opened it up. "Born in Iran? Wait."

Onda ju je otvorio. "Rođen u Iranu? Čekaj."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And he started asking me questions.

I započeo mi je postavljati pitanja.

He said, "What is your father's name?"

Rekao je, "Koje je ime tvog oca?"

I said, "Well, he's passed away, but his name was Khosro."

Rekao sam, "Dobro, umro je, ali njegovo ime je bilo Khosro."

He goes, "What is your grandfather's name?"

On dalje, "Koje je ime vašeg djeda?"

Ja kažem, "On je davno umro.

I said, "He passed away a long time ago.

Njegovo ime je bilo Jabbar."

His name was Jabbar."

He says, "You wait. I'll be back," and he walked away.

On kaže, "Čekajte. Vratiti ću se." i on se udalji.

A ja započnem ludjeti,

And I started freaking out,

because I don't know what kind of crap my grandfather was into.

jer nemam pojma u kakvim je problemima moj djed bio.

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

Mislio sam kako će se čovjek vratiti i reći,

Thought the guy was going to come back and be like,

"Tražili smo vas 200 godina."

"We've been looking for you for 200 years."

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

"Your grandfather has a parking violation. It's way overdue.

"Vaš djed ima prekršaje za parkiranje. Davno im je prošao rok.

Dugujete nam dvije milijarde dolara."

You owe us two billion dollars."

(Laughter)

But as you can see, when I talk, I speak with an American accent,

Ali kao što možete vidjeti, dok pričam,

pričam američkim naglaskom, za kojeg biste pomislili

which you would think, as an Iranian-American actor,

da sam iransko-američki glumac,

I should be able to play any part, good, bad, what have you.

trebao bih biti sposoban igrati bilo koju ulogu, dobru, lošu, koju god imate.

But a lot of times in Hollywood,

Ali puno puta u Hollywoodu,

when casting directors find out you're of Middle Eastern descent,

kada bi menadžer koji radi selekciju za uloge saznao za moje bliskoistočno porijeklo

they go, "Oh, you're Iranian. Great!

rekao bi, "O, Vi ste Iranac. Sjajno.

Can you say 'I will kill you in the name of Allah?'"

Možete li mi reći: 'Ubit ću vas u Allahovo ime?'"

I go, "I could say that, but what if I were to say,

"Mogu to reći, ali što ako mogu reći,

'Hello. I'm your doctor'?"

'Zdravo. Ja sam vaš doktor.'"

They go, "Great! And then you hijack the hospital."

Oni kažu, "Sjajno. I onda napadnete bolnicu."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Like, I think you're missing the point here.

Mislim kako ste krivo shvatili što sam htio reći.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind playing bad guys.

Nemojte me krivo shvatiti, ne smeta mi glumiti loše momke.

I want to play a bad guy. I want to rob a bank.

Želim glumiti loše momke. Želim opljačkati banku.

I want to rob a bank in a film,

Želim opljačkati banku u filmu. Želim opljačkati banku u filmu,

but do it with a gun, not with a bomb strapped around me, right?

ali želim to napraviti s pištoljem, s pištoljem, a ne bombom povezanom oko mene.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Because I imagine the director: "Maz, I think your character

Jer zamišljam režisera: "Maz, mislim kako tvoj lik

želi opljačkati banku bombom opasanom oko sebe."

would rob the bank with a bomb around him."

"Why would I do that?

"Zašto bih to želio?

If I want the money, why would I kill myself?"

Ako želim novac, zašto bih se ubio?"

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Točno.

Right?

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

"Gimme all your money, or I'll blow myself up!"

"Dajte mi sav svoj novac, ili ću se raznijeti."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

"Well, then blow yourself up.

"Dobro, onda se raznesi.

(Laughter)

Just do it outside, please."

Samo to napravi vani, molim te."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

But the fact is, there's good people everywhere.

Ali činjenica je, kako postoje dobri ljudi svugdje.

That's what I try and show in my stand-up, good people everywhere.

To je ono što pokušavam pokazati u svojim stand-up nastupima. Postoje dobri ljudi svugdje.

Dovoljno je da samo jedna osoba sve zabrlja.

All it takes in one person to mess it up.

Poput onoga prije nekoliko mjeseci na Times Square-u u New York-u,

Like a couple months ago in Times Square in New York,

tamo je bio pakistanski Musliman koji je htio aktivirati bombu u automobilu.

there was a Pakistani Muslim guy who tried to blow up a car bomb.

Dogodilo se da sam i ja bio na Times Square-u te noći

Now, I happened to be in Times Square that night doing a comedy show.

i izvodio komediju.

And a few months before that, there was a white American guy in Austin, Texas

A nekoliko mjeseci prije toga, dogodilo se nešto s bijelim Amerikancem u Austin-u, Teksas

koji se zaletio svojim zrakoplovom u zgradu porezne uprave,

who flew his airplane into the IRS building,

and I happened to be in Austin that day doing a stand-up comedy show.

a ja sam slučajno bio u Austinu tog dana

i izvodio stand-up komediju.

Now I'll tell you, as a Middle-Eastern male,

Sada ću vam reći, kao muškarac s Bliskog istoka,

when you show up around a lot of these activities,

kada se pojaviš u blizini toliko puno aktivnosti,

you start feeling guilty at one point.

počinješ osjećati krivnju u određenom trenutku.

(Laughter)

Gledao sam vijesti. I rekao, "Jesam li ja uključen u ove gluposti?"

I was watching the news. I'm like, "Am I involved in this crap?"

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

"I didn't get the memo. What's going on?"

"Nisam dobio bilješke. Što se događa?"

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

But what was interesting was,

Ali ono što je bilo interesantno bio je pakistanski musliman --

the Pakistani Muslim guy -- see, he gives a bad name to Muslims

vidite on je kriv za lošu reputaciju muslimana

and Middle Easterners and Pakistanis from all over the world.

i bliskoistočnjaka i Pakistanaca širom svijeta.

And one thing that happened there was also the Pakistani Taliban

I jedna stvar koja se dogodila jest da je tamo bio pakistanski taliban

took credit for that failed car bombing.

koji je preuzeo odgovornost za propalu auto bombu.

My question is: Why would you take credit for a failed car bombing?

Moje pitanje je: zašto bi netko htio preuzeti odgovornost

za propalu autobombu?

"We just want to say:

"Želimo samo reći

we tried."

kako smo probali."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

"And furthermore ...

"I nadalje,

(Laughter)

to je misao koja se broji."

it is the thought that counts."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

"And in conclusion, win some, lose some."

"I u konačnici, nešto dobijete, nešto izgubite."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

But what happened was, when the white guy flew his plane into the building,

Ali ono što se dogodilo, kada se bijelac svojim avionom zabio u zgradu,

znam kako su svi moji bliskoistočni i muslimanski prijatelji u Državama

I know all my Middle Eastern and Muslim friends in the States

gledali TV i rekli, "Molim te da ne bude netko s Bliskog Istoka.

were watching TV, going,

Da ne bude Hassan. Da ne bude Hussein."

"Please, don't be Middle Eastern. Don't be Hassan or Hussein."

I kada je ime Jack izašlo u javnost. Ja sam regairao, "Vāu!

And the name came out: Jack. I'm like, "Woooo! That's not one of us!"

Nije jedan od nas."

But I kept watching the news in case they came back,

Ali sam nastavio gledati vijest u slučaju da se vrate,

i objave, "Prije nego što je to napravio, preobratio se na Islam."

and were like, "Before he did it, he converted to Islam."

"Dovraga! Zašto Jack? Zašto?"

"Damn it! Why Jack? Why?"

But the fact is, I've been lucky

Ali činjenica je, bio sam sretan

to get a chance to perform all over the world,

dobiti priliku izvesti ovo širom svijeta,

and I did a lot of shows in the Middle East.

a imao sam i puno prilika na Bliskom Istoku.

I just did a seven-country solo tour.

Upravo sam se vratio sa solo turneje po sedam zemalja.

I was in Oman, and I was in Saudi Arabia.

Bio sam u Omanu, bio sam u Saudijskoj Arabiji.

Bio sam u Dubaiju.

I was in Dubai.

And it's great, there's good people everywhere.

I sjajno je, postoje dobri ljudi svugdje.

And you learn great things about these places.

I naučite sjajne stvari o tim mjestima.

I encourage people always to go visit these places.

Uvijek ohrabrujem ljude da odu i vide ta mjesta.

na primjer, Dubai -- fora mjesto.

For example, Dubai -- cool place.

They're obsessed with having the biggest, tallest, longest, as we all know.

Opsjednuti su s posjedovanjem najvećeg, najvišeg, najdužeg, kao što svi znamo.

Imaju trgovački centar, Dubai Mall.

They have a mall there, the Dubai Mall.

Toliko je velik da imaju taksije u centru.

It is so big, they have taxis in the mall.

I was walking. I heard, "Beep! Beep!" I'm like, "What are you doing here?"

Tako sam hodao i čuo, "Bip, bip."

Pomislih, "Što radiš ovdje?"

He goes, "I'm going to the Zara store. It's three miles away.

A on, "Idem u Zarin dućan. To je oko 5.5 km odavde.

Makni se s puta. Makni se s puta. Makni se s puta."

Out of my way. Out of my way. Out of my way."

(Laughter)

And what's crazy -- there's a recession going on, even in Dubai,

I ono što je ludo -- tamo vlada recesija, čak i u Dubaiju,

ali nikada ne biste rekli po cijenama.

but you wouldn't know by the prices.

Like in the Dubai Mall, they sell frozen yogurt by the gram.

Poput onih u Dubai Mallu,

prodaju zamrznuti jogurt po gramu.

It's like a drug deal.

Kao da kupujete drogu.

I was walking by. The guy goes, "Psst! Habibi, my friend."

Hodao sam. I jedan tip mi kaže, "Pssst. Dragi prijatelju."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

"You want some frozen yogurt?

"Želiš li smrznuti jogurt?

(Laughter)

Come here. Come here. Come here.

Dođi ovdje. Dođi ovdje. Dođi ovdje.

I have one gram, five gram, 10 gram. How many gram do you want?"

Imam po gram, pet grama, deset grama. Koliko grama želiš?"

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

I bought five grams. 10 dollars. 10 dollars! I said, "What's in this?"

Kupio sam pet grama. 10 dolara. 10 dolara! Rekao sam, "Što je unutra?"

He's like, "Good stuff, man. Colombian. Top of the line."

a on, "Dobra stvar, čovječe. Kolumbijski. Najbolji. Najbolji."

(Laughter)

Druga stvar koju naučiš ponekad

The other thing you learn when you travel in these countries,

kada putuješ u te zemlje na Bliskom Istoku,

in the Middle East, Latin American, South American countries,

ili ponekad u zemlje Latinske Amerike, zemlje Južne Amerike --

a lot of times when they build stuff, there's no rules and regulations.

puno puta kada grade stvari,

ne postoje pravila i zakoni.

For example, I took my two-year-old son to the playground at the Dubai Mall.

Na primjer, poveo sam svog dvogodišnjeg sina na igralište u Dubai Mallu.

And I've taken him to playgrounds all over the United States.

I vodio sam svog dvogodišnjeg sina na igrališta širom Sjedinjenih Država.

And when you put your two-year-old on a slide in the United States,

I kada stavite svog dvogodišnjaka na tobogan u Sjedinjenim Državama,

oni stave nešto na tobogan

they put something on the slide

to slow the kid down as he comes down the slide.

kako bi usporili djecu dok se spuštaju.

Not in the Middle East.

Ne na Srednjem Istoku.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

I put my two-year-old on the slide, he went whoosh! He took off!

Stavim svog dvogodišnjaka na tobogam i vūš! On odleti.

(Laughter)

Odem dole i pitam, "Gdje je moj sin?"

I went down and, "Where's my son?" "On the third floor, sir. Third floor."

"Na trećem katu gospodine. Na trećem katu."

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

"You take a taxi. You go to Zara. Make a left."

"Uzmete taksi. Odete do Zare. Skrenete lijevo."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

"Try the yogurt. It's very good. Little expensive."

"Probajte jogurt. Jako je dobar. Malo skup."

(Laughter)

But one thing I try to do with my stand-up is break stereotypes.

Ali jedna od stvari koje pokušavam raditi s mojim stand-up nastupima je da razbijam stereotipove.

A ja sam također kriv za stvaranje stereotipova.

And I've been guilty of stereotyping as well.

Bio sam u Dubaiju. I tamo ima jako puno Indijaca koji rade.

I was in Dubai. And there's a lot of Indians who work in Dubai.

I ne plaćaju ih dobro.

And they don't get paid that well.

And I got it in my head that all the Indians must be workers.

I zamislio sam si kako mora da su svi Indijci tamo radnici.

I zaboravio sam kako očito postoje i uspješni Indijci u Dubaiju.

I forgot there's obviously successful Indians in Dubai too.

Tako sam imao nastup,

I was doing a show, and they said, "We'll send a driver to pick you up."

i rekli su mi, "Poslat ćemo vozača da vas pokupi."

I went down to the lobby, and saw this Indian guy.

Spustio sam se u lobi i vidio tog Indijca.

I pomislih, "Mora da je to moj vozač."

I go, "He must be my driver,"

since he's standing there in a cheap suit, thin mustache, staring at me.

Jer je stajao tamo u jeftinom odjelu, tankih brkova i buljio u mene.

I odem do njega, "Oprostite gospodine, jeste li Vi moj vozač?"

I say, "Excuse me, are you my driver?"

A on, "Ne gospodine. Ja sam vlasnik hotela."

He goes, "No, sir. I own the hotel."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

I go, "I'm sorry! Why were you staring at me?"

Ja mu kažem, "Žao mi je. Ali zašto onda buljite u mene?"

He goes, "I thought you were my driver."

On mi kaže, "Ja sam mislio da ste Vi moj vozač."

(Laughter)

(Pljesak)

(Applause)

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

I'll leave you with this: I try, with my stand-up, to break stereotypes,

Ostaviti ću vas s ovime: ja pokušavam, svojim stand-up nastupima razbijati stereotipove,

present Middle Easterners and Muslims in a positive light.

predstavljati bliskoistočnjake u pozitivnom svjetlu --muslimane u pozitivnom svjetlu --

i nadam se da će u godinama koje dolaze,

I hope that in the coming years,

more film and television programs come out of Hollywood,

biti sve više filmova i televizijskih programa iz Hoolywooda

presenting us in a positive light.

koji nas predstavljaju u pozitivnom svjetlu.

Who knows? Maybe one day, we'll even have our own James Bond. Right?

Tko zna, možda ćemo jednog dana i mi imati svog James Bonda.

"My name is Bond.

"Moje ime je Bond, Jamal Bond."

Jamal Bond."

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

Til then, I'll keep telling jokes. Hope you keep laughing.

Do tada, i dalje ću pričati šale. Nadam se da ćete vi i dalje smijati.

Želim vam dobar dan. Hvala vam.

Have a good day. Thank you.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)