Did you hear the one about the Iranian-American? | Maz Jobrani

譯者: Marie Wu 審譯者: Zhu Jie

I was one of the founding members of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour.

我是邪惡軸心國喜劇巡演

的發起成員之一，

The other founding members included Ahmed Ahmed,

其他成員包括阿馬德(喜劇演員兼導演)，

who is an Egyptian-American, who actually had the idea

他是埃及裔美國人，

就是他提出去中東巡演這個點子的，他也到那裡表演了。

to go to the Middle East and try it out before we went out as a tour.

在我們成為團體進行巡演之前，

He went out solo and did it first.

他已經在那裡獨挑大樑了。

Then there was Aron Kader, who was the Palestinian-American.

還有阿朗．卡達，他是巴勒斯坦裔美國人，

And then there was me, the Iranian-American of the group.

最後就是我，伊朗裔美國人。

Now, being Iranian-American presents its own set of problems,

身為一個伊朗裔美國人，

我有別人沒有的問題。

as you know.

Those two countries aren't getting along these days.

你知道，這二個國家最近處得不太好，

So it causes a lot of inner conflict, you know,

所以我內心有很多衝突，

like part of me likes me, part of me hates me.

就像是有一半的我喜歡自己，另一半卻討厭自己；

(Laughter)

Part of me thinks I should have a nuclear program,

我自身一部分認為伊朗有核計畫，

the other part thinks I can't be trusted with one.

另一部分又認為美國不可信。

These are dilemmas I have every day.

我每天都處於這種天人交戰狀態。

But I was born in Iran; I'm now an American citizen,

我出生在伊朗，現在是美國公民，

which means I have the American passport,

也就是我有美國護照，

which means I can travel.

我可以自由地旅行。

Because if you only have the Iranian passport,

因為如果你只有伊朗的護照，

you're kind of limited to the countries you can go to with open arms,

歡迎你到訪的國家

就不會太多--

you know -- Syria, Venezuela, North Korea.

只有敘利亞、委內瑞拉和北韓。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

So, anyone who's gotten their passport in America will tell you,

任何持有美國護照的人，

都會告訴你，

when you get it, it still says what country you were born in.

護照上會註明你的出生地。

So I remember getting my American passport.

我還記得當我拿到我的美國護照時，

I was like, "Woo-hoo! I'm going to travel."

我心想：「哇！我可以去旅行了！」

And I opened it up, it said, "Born in Iran." I'm like, "Oh, come on, man!"

但護照上面竟然寫著「伊朗出生」，我心想：「噢！拜託！」

(笑聲)

(Laughter)

"I'm trying to go places."

「我想去很多地方耶...」

(Laughter)

But what's interesting is,

有趣的是，在我使用我的美國護照

I've never had trouble in any Western countries with my American passport,

到西方國家遊玩的時候，從沒遇過麻煩，

even though it says, "Born in Iran" -- no problems.

就算護照上寫著「伊朗出生」，也一樣沒問題。

Where I've had problems is in some of the Arab countries.

但我去阿拉伯國家旅行時，卻遇到一些問題，

I guess some of the Arab countries aren't getting along with Iran either.

我想可能是阿拉伯國家和伊朗也處得不好吧！

最近我去了科威特，

So I was in Kuwait recently, doing a comedy show

要和其他美國喜劇演員同台表演，

with some other American comedians.

當他們都通過海關後，海關官員看著我的美國護照說：

They all went through.

Then the border patrol saw my American passport: "Ah-ha! American, great."

「啊哈！美國人，很好！」

Then he opened it up. "Born in Iran? Wait."

然後他打開我的護照：「伊朗出生？等一下。」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And he started asking me questions.

他開始問我一些問題，

He said, "What is your father's name?"

他說：「你父親叫什麼名字？」

I said, "Well, he's passed away, but his name was Khosro."

我說：「哦，他過世了，他叫胡思羅。」

He goes, "What is your grandfather's name?"

他繼續問：「那你祖父叫什麼名字？」

我說：「他過世好久了，

I said, "He passed away a long time ago.

他叫賈巴。」

His name was Jabbar."

He says, "You wait. I'll be back," and he walked away.

他說：「你等一下，我馬上回來。」然後他就走開了。

我開始胡思亂想，

And I started freaking out,

because I don't know what kind of crap my grandfather was into.

我不知道我祖父惹了什麼麻煩，

(笑聲)

(Laughter)

我以為那傢伙會回來告訴我：

Thought the guy was going to come back and be like,

「我們已經追查你二百年了，」

"We've been looking for you for 200 years."

(笑聲)

(Laughter)

"Your grandfather has a parking violation. It's way overdue.

「你祖父違規停車，罰單已經過期很久了，

你欠我們二十億元。」

You owe us two billion dollars."

(Laughter)

But as you can see, when I talk, I speak with an American accent,

當我說話的時候，你們可以聽出

我有美國口音，你以為我不過是

which you would think, as an Iranian-American actor,

一個伊朗裔的美國演員，

I should be able to play any part, good, bad, what have you.

我應該可以扮演任何角色，好人、壞人都可以，

But a lot of times in Hollywood,

但在好萊塢，

when casting directors find out you're of Middle Eastern descent,

通常當選角導演發現你有中東血統後，

they go, "Oh, you're Iranian. Great!

他們就會說：「噢，原來你是伊朗人啊，太好了！

Can you say 'I will kill you in the name of Allah?'"

你會不會說『我要以真主阿拉之名殺死你』？」

I go, "I could say that, but what if I were to say,

「可以啊，但我可不可以演一個醫生？

'Hello. I'm your doctor'?"

『哈囉，我是你的主治醫生』」

They go, "Great! And then you hijack the hospital."

他們回答：「好，然後你劫持醫院。」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Like, I think you're missing the point here.

我猜你們一定不知道我在堅持什麼，

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind playing bad guys.

別誤會，我並不介意扮演壞人，

I want to play a bad guy. I want to rob a bank.

我還很想演壞人哩...我想要搶銀行，

I want to rob a bank in a film,

我想要在電影裡搶銀行，我想在電影裡扮演搶匪，

but do it with a gun, not with a bomb strapped around me, right?

用槍指著大家搶銀行，而不是在身上纏著炸彈，對吧？

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Because I imagine the director: "Maz, I think your character

我認為導演一定會說：「莫茲，你的角色是一個

身上纏著炸彈的銀行搶匪。」

would rob the bank with a bomb around him."

"Why would I do that?

「為什麼我要這樣做？

If I want the money, why would I kill myself?"

如果我想要的是錢，為什麼我要炸死自己？」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

對吧？

Right?

(Applause)

(掌聲)

"Gimme all your money, or I'll blow myself up!"

「把錢全都交出來，不然我就炸死自己！」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

"Well, then blow yourself up.

「噢，那就請便吧，

(Laughter)

Just do it outside, please."

要炸請到外面去炸。」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

But the fact is, there's good people everywhere.

其實世界上每個地方都有好人，

That's what I try and show in my stand-up, good people everywhere.

這是我表演的重要主題，每個地方都有好人，

只是一粒老鼠屎壞了一鍋粥。

All it takes in one person to mess it up.

就像幾個月之前，在紐約時報廣場上，

Like a couple months ago in Times Square in New York,

有個巴基斯坦回教徒試圖引爆一枚汽車炸彈，

there was a Pakistani Muslim guy who tried to blow up a car bomb.

那天晚上，我正巧就在時報廣場

Now, I happened to be in Times Square that night doing a comedy show.

表演一個喜劇節目；

And a few months before that, there was a white American guy in Austin, Texas

而在那之前的幾個月，有一個德州奧斯汀的美國白人，

把飛機開到國稅局大樓裡，

who flew his airplane into the IRS building,

and I happened to be in Austin that day doing a stand-up comedy show.

那天也很巧，我也在奧斯汀

表演我的喜劇節目。

Now I'll tell you, as a Middle-Eastern male,

我得告訴你們，身為一個中東男性，

when you show up around a lot of these activities,

當我出現在這些犯罪現場附近時，

you start feeling guilty at one point.

我開始覺得有罪惡感了，

(Laughter)

我一邊看著新聞，一邊想：「我有參與這些犯罪嗎？」

I was watching the news. I'm like, "Am I involved in this crap?"

(笑聲)

(Laughter)

"I didn't get the memo. What's going on?"

「我沒收到通知啊...到底發生什麼事了？」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

But what was interesting was,

有趣的是，那個巴基斯坦回教徒--

the Pakistani Muslim guy -- see, he gives a bad name to Muslims

他把所有回教徒的名聲都玷污了，

and Middle Easterners and Pakistanis from all over the world.

還把全世界的中東人和巴基斯坦人的名聲也弄壞了，

And one thing that happened there was also the Pakistani Taliban

但是，巴基斯坦的塔利班

took credit for that failed car bombing.

竟搶著為這次失敗的汽車爆炸案居功。

My question is: Why would you take credit for a failed car bombing?

我的問題是：一個失敗的汽車爆炸案，

有什麼功好搶的？

"We just want to say:

「我們只想說，

we tried."

我們試過了。」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

"And furthermore ...

「畢竟，

(Laughter)

有心最重要。」

it is the thought that counts."

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

(Applause)

(掌聲)

"And in conclusion, win some, lose some."

「最後你總會得到一些，又失去一些。」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

But what happened was, when the white guy flew his plane into the building,

其實，當那個白人開著飛機飛進那個大樓時，

我知道所有我在美國的中東朋友和回教徒朋友們，

I know all my Middle Eastern and Muslim friends in the States

都在一邊看著電視，一邊祈禱：「拜託，不要是中東人，

were watching TV, going,

不要是海珊，不要是胡笙。」

"Please, don't be Middle Eastern. Don't be Hassan or Hussein."

當新聞宣布那人的名字是傑克時，我大叫：「哇！

And the name came out: Jack. I'm like, "Woooo! That's not one of us!"

不是我們！」

But I kept watching the news in case they came back,

但我還是一直盯著新聞，我怕他們會突然發現：

「在他犯下這起案件之前，他改信了回教。」

and were like, "Before he did it, he converted to Islam."

「該死！為什麼是傑克？為什麼？」

"Damn it! Why Jack? Why?"

But the fact is, I've been lucky

事實上，我一直都很幸運，

to get a chance to perform all over the world,

我有機會到全世界各地去表演，

and I did a lot of shows in the Middle East.

我也有中東表演過很多次，

I just did a seven-country solo tour.

我剛剛才結束七個國家的個人巡迴演出。

I was in Oman, and I was in Saudi Arabia.

我去了阿曼、沙烏地阿拉伯，

還有杜拜。

I was in Dubai.

And it's great, there's good people everywhere.

整個巡迴演出都很棒，每個地方都有好人，

And you learn great things about these places.

你會在這些國家學到一些很棒的事，

I encourage people always to go visit these places.

所以我鼓勵大家多去這些國家旅行。

舉例來說，杜拜就是一個很酷的地方，

For example, Dubai -- cool place.

They're obsessed with having the biggest, tallest, longest, as we all know.

他們很喜歡最大、最高、最長的東西，

杜拜有一個商城，叫做杜拜商城，

They have a mall there, the Dubai Mall.

那個商城很大，裡面竟然還有計程車在跑，

It is so big, they have taxis in the mall.

I was walking. I heard, "Beep! Beep!" I'm like, "What are you doing here?"

我一邊逛街，一邊還聽到「叭，叭」

我說：「計程車怎麼跑進來了？」

He goes, "I'm going to the Zara store. It's three miles away.

他回答：「我要去撒拉商店，那裡離這裡還有三哩遠，

讓路，讓路，讓路。」

Out of my way. Out of my way. Out of my way."

(Laughter)

And what's crazy -- there's a recession going on, even in Dubai,

最瘋狂的是，全世界都在經濟不景氣，即使杜拜也一樣，

但你從杜拜的物價卻看不出不景氣，

but you wouldn't know by the prices.

Like in the Dubai Mall, they sell frozen yogurt by the gram.

像是在杜拜商城，

他們的冰淇淋優格是以公克來計價，

It's like a drug deal.

就像販賣毒品一樣。

I was walking by. The guy goes, "Psst! Habibi, my friend."

我走過那家店的時候，有一個傢伙說：「嘿，老兄，

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

"You want some frozen yogurt?

「要不要來點冰淇淋優格？

(Laughter)

Come here. Come here. Come here.

來，來，來，

I have one gram, five gram, 10 gram. How many gram do you want?"

我有一公克、五公克、十公克，你要多少公克？」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

I bought five grams. 10 dollars. 10 dollars! I said, "What's in this?"

我買了五公克，十塊美金，十塊美金耶！我說：「裡面有什麼？」

He's like, "Good stuff, man. Colombian. Top of the line."

他說：「好東西啦，老兄。哥倫比亞來的哦，高檔貨，高檔貨啦！」

(Laughter)

還有一件有趣的事，

The other thing you learn when you travel in these countries,

就是你到中東國家、拉丁美洲國家、

in the Middle East, Latin American, South American countries,

南美洲國家旅行時會發現，

a lot of times when they build stuff, there's no rules and regulations.

他們在建造設施時，

經常是沒有規則也沒有法規規範的，

For example, I took my two-year-old son to the playground at the Dubai Mall.

舉例來說，我帶我二歲的兒子到杜拜商城裡的遊樂場玩，

And I've taken him to playgrounds all over the United States.

我那二歲的兒子已經玩遍了全美國各地的遊樂場了，

And when you put your two-year-old on a slide in the United States,

而在美國，當你把二歲小孩放在滑溜梯上時，

你會看到滑溜梯上有些止滑裝置，

they put something on the slide

to slow the kid down as he comes down the slide.

可以降低小孩滑下來的速度。

Not in the Middle East.

中東可不一樣，

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

I put my two-year-old on the slide, he went whoosh! He took off!

我把小孩放上滑溜梯後，他就飛出去了！

(Laughter)

我跑下來，我說：「我兒子哩？」

I went down and, "Where's my son?" "On the third floor, sir. Third floor."

「在三樓哦，先生，在三樓。」

(笑聲)

(Laughter)

"You take a taxi. You go to Zara. Make a left."

「搭計程車，去撒拉商店，左轉。」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

"Try the yogurt. It's very good. Little expensive."

「嚐嚐這個優格，很棒哦，有一點貴。」

(Laughter)

But one thing I try to do with my stand-up is break stereotypes.

在我的表演裡，我希望能打破一些刻板印象，

當然我對自己存有某些刻板印象感到羞愧。

And I've been guilty of stereotyping as well.

我在杜拜的時候，看到有許多印度人在杜拜工作，

I was in Dubai. And there's a lot of Indians who work in Dubai.

但他們薪資並不高，

And they don't get paid that well.

And I got it in my head that all the Indians must be workers.

所以我以為所有在杜拜的印度人都是勞工，

我忘記了在杜拜一定也有很成功的印度人。

I forgot there's obviously successful Indians in Dubai too.

那時我在杜拜表演，

I was doing a show, and they said, "We'll send a driver to pick you up."

那邊的人說：「我們會請司機去載你。」

I went down to the lobby, and saw this Indian guy.

所以我走到大廳，看到一個印度人在那裡，

我就想：「他一定是我的司機。」

I go, "He must be my driver,"

since he's standing there in a cheap suit, thin mustache, staring at me.

因為他穿著一身廉價的西裝，留著一撮小鬍子，還盯著我看，

所以我走過去說：「抱歉，先生，你是我的司機嗎？」

I say, "Excuse me, are you my driver?"

他回我說：「我不是，先生！這間飯店是我開的！」

He goes, "No, sir. I own the hotel."

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

I go, "I'm sorry! Why were you staring at me?"

我說：「很抱歉，但你幹嘛盯著我看？」

He goes, "I thought you were my driver."

他回答：「我以為你才是我的司機哩！」

(Laughter)

(掌聲)

(Applause)

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

I'll leave you with this: I try, with my stand-up, to break stereotypes,

我想說的是：我試著在我的表演中，打破各種刻板印象，

present Middle Easterners and Muslims in a positive light.

以正面的方式呈現中東人，以正面的方式呈現回教徒，

我希望在未來的幾年內，

I hope that in the coming years,

more film and television programs come out of Hollywood,

好萊塢所拍的電影和電視節目，

presenting us in a positive light.

能以正面形象來呈現我們。

Who knows? Maybe one day, we'll even have our own James Bond. Right?

誰知道，或許某天我們會有自己的詹姆士．龐德，對吧？

"My name is Bond.

「我是龐德，賈莫爾．龐德。」

Jamal Bond."

(笑聲)

(Laughter)

Til then, I'll keep telling jokes. Hope you keep laughing.

在那之前，我會一直講笑話來逗你們笑，

祝各位有美好的一天，謝謝！

Have a good day. Thank you.

(Applause)

(掌聲)