Did you hear the one about the Iranian-American? | Maz Jobrani

Translator: Katka Kostkova Reviewer: Lucia Daubnerova

I was one of the founding members of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour.

Som jedným zo zakladateľov

komediálneho turné Os zla.

The other founding members included Ahmed Ahmed,

Ďalším zakladajúcim členom je Ahmed Ahmed,

who is an Egyptian-American, who actually had the idea

egyptský Američan,

ktorý mal nápad ísť na Blízky Východ a skúsiť to.

to go to the Middle East and try it out before we went out as a tour.

Pred začiatkom turné

He went out solo and did it first.

tam odišiel sám a skúsil to ako prvý.

Then there was Aron Kader, who was the Palestinian-American.

Ďalším je Aron Kader, palestínsky Američan.

And then there was me, the Iranian-American of the group.

A potom ja, iránsky Američan našej skupiny.

Now, being Iranian-American presents its own set of problems,

Byť iránskym Američanom

so sebou prináša rad problémov.

as you know.

Those two countries aren't getting along these days.

Tieto dve krajiny v súčasnosti spolu veľmi nevychádzajú.

So it causes a lot of inner conflict, you know,

Spôsobuje mi to veľa vnútorných konfliktov,

like part of me likes me, part of me hates me.

napríklad jedna časť mňa ma má rada a druhá ma neznáša.

(Laughter)

Part of me thinks I should have a nuclear program,

Časť mňa si myslí, že by som mal mať nukleárny program,

the other part thinks I can't be trusted with one.

a druhá, že sa mi nedá veriť.

These are dilemmas I have every day.

Toto sú dilemy, ktoré riešim každý deň.

But I was born in Iran; I'm now an American citizen,

Narodil som sa v Iráne, ale teraz som Americkým občanom,

which means I have the American passport,

čo znamená, že mám americký pas,

which means I can travel.

čiže môžem cestovať.

Because if you only have the Iranian passport,

Lebo ak máte len iránsky pas,

you're kind of limited to the countries you can go to with open arms,

počet krajín, ktoré môžete navštíviť

a ktoré vás radi privítajú, je obmedzený.

you know -- Syria, Venezuela, North Korea.

Sýria, Venezuela, Severná Kórea.

(Laughter)

(smiech)

So, anyone who's gotten their passport in America will tell you,

Každý, kto dostal pas v Amerike,

vám povie, že aj keď dostanete pas,

when you get it, it still says what country you were born in.

stále je v ňom uvedené, kde ste sa narodili.

So I remember getting my American passport.

Pamätám si, keď som dostal môj americký pas.

I was like, "Woo-hoo! I'm going to travel."

Pomyslel som si: „Super! Ide sa cestovať.“

And I opened it up, it said, "Born in Iran." I'm like, "Oh, come on, man!"

Otvorím ho a vidím: „Narodený v Iráne“.

A ja: „To snáď nie.“

(smiech)

(Laughter)

"I'm trying to go places."

„Snažím sa cestovať.“

(Laughter)

But what's interesting is,

Zaujímavé je, že som nikdy nemal problém

I've never had trouble in any Western countries with my American passport,

s mojím americkým pasom cestovať do iných západných krajín,

even though it says, "Born in Iran" -- no problems.

aj napriek tomu, že je v ňom „narodený v Iráne“.

Where I've had problems is in some of the Arab countries.

Problémy som mal v arabských krajinách.

I guess some of the Arab countries aren't getting along with Iran either.

Myslím, že niektoré arabské krajiny tiež nie sú s Iránom za dobre.

Keď som bol nedávno v Kuvajte

So I was in Kuwait recently, doing a comedy show

vystupovať s ďalšími americkými komikmi,

with some other American comedians.

oni prešli kontrolou v pohode a keď zbadali môj americký pas

They all went through.

Then the border patrol saw my American passport: "Ah-ha! American, great."

„Aha! Američan.“

Then he opened it up. "Born in Iran? Wait."

Potom zbadali: „Narodený v Iráne? Počkajte.“

(Laughter)

(smiech)

And he started asking me questions.

A tak mi začal klásť otázky.

He said, "What is your father's name?"

„Ako sa volá váš otec?“

I said, "Well, he's passed away, but his name was Khosro."

„Síce už zomrel, ale volal sa Khosro,“ odpoviem.

He goes, "What is your grandfather's name?"

„A ako sa volá váš starý otec?“ pokračuje.

„Ten zomrel ešte oveľa skôr.

I said, "He passed away a long time ago.

Volal sa Jabbar,“ odpoviem.

His name was Jabbar."

He says, "You wait. I'll be back," and he walked away.

„Počkajte, hneď sa vrátim,“ povedal a odišiel.

A vtedy ma chytila panika,

And I started freaking out,

because I don't know what kind of crap my grandfather was into.

pretože netuším, v čom bol môj starý otec namočený.

(smiech)

(Laughter)

Predpokladal som, že sa chlapík vráti a povie:

Thought the guy was going to come back and be like,

„Hľadali sme vás 200 rokov.“

"We've been looking for you for 200 years."

(smiech)

(Laughter)

"Your grandfather has a parking violation. It's way overdue.

„Váš starý otec nezaplatil pokutu za parkovanie. Je dávno po splatnosti.

You owe us two billion dollars."

Dlhujete nám dve miliardy dolárov.“

(Laughter)

But as you can see, when I talk, I speak with an American accent,

Ale ako vidíte, keď rozprávam,

mám americký prízvuk, ktorý, zdalo by sa,

which you would think, as an Iranian-American actor,

mi ako iránsko-americkému hercovi

I should be able to play any part, good, bad, what have you.

umožní získať akúkoľvek rolu, dobrú, zlú, akúkoľvek.

But a lot of times in Hollywood,

Ale v Hollywoode často

when casting directors find out you're of Middle Eastern descent,

keď režisér na kastingu zistí, že pochádzam z Blízkeho Východu,

they go, "Oh, you're Iranian. Great!

povie: „Ty si Iránčan. Super.“

Can you say 'I will kill you in the name of Allah?'"

Môžeš povedať „Zabijem vás v mene Allaha?“

I go, "I could say that, but what if I were to say,

„Môžem to povedať, ale čo keby som povedal:

'Hello. I'm your doctor'?"

„Dobrý deň, som váš lekár?“

They go, "Great! And then you hijack the hospital."

„Výborne. A potom obsadíš nemocnicu.“

(Laughter)

(smiech)

Like, I think you're missing the point here.

Myslím, že vám uchádza pointa.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind playing bad guys.

Nechápte ma zle, nemám problém zahrať si zloducha.

I want to play a bad guy. I want to rob a bank.

Chcem si zahrať zloducha. Chcem prepadnúť banku.

I want to rob a bank in a film,

Chcem prepadnúť banku vo filme.

but do it with a gun, not with a bomb strapped around me, right?

Ale chcem to urobiť so zbraňou. So zbraňou, nie s bombou na tele.

(Laughter)

(smiech)

Because I imagine the director: "Maz, I think your character

Už si predstavujem režiséra: „Maz, myslím, že tvoja postava

by prepadla banku s bombou na tele.“

would rob the bank with a bomb around him."

"Why would I do that?

„Prečo by som to robil?

If I want the money, why would I kill myself?"

Ak by som chcel peniaze, prečo by som zabíjal?“

(Laughter)

(smiech)

Right?

Však.

(Applause)

(potlesk)

"Gimme all your money, or I'll blow myself up!"

„Dajte mi všetky peniaze, inak sa odpálim.“

(Laughter)

(smiech)

"Well, then blow yourself up.

„Dobre, tak sa odpáľ.

(Laughter)

Just do it outside, please."

Ale sprav to vonku, prosím.“

(Laughter)

(smiech)

But the fact is, there's good people everywhere.

Ale faktom je, že všade sa nájdu dobrí ľudia.

That's what I try and show in my stand-up, good people everywhere.

A na to sa snažím poukázať v mojej stand-up comedy.

Ale stačí jeden človek, aby to pokazil.

All it takes in one person to mess it up.

Ako pred pár mesiacmi, na Time Square v New Yorku,

Like a couple months ago in Times Square in New York,

kde sa pakistanský moslim pokúsil odpáliť bombu v aute.

there was a Pakistani Muslim guy who tried to blow up a car bomb.

Aj ja som bol v tú noc na Time Square,

Now, I happened to be in Times Square that night doing a comedy show.

mal som vystúpenie.

And a few months before that, there was a white American guy in Austin, Texas

A pár mesiacov predtým, biely Američan v Austine v Texase

nabúral lietadlo do budovy finančného úradu,

who flew his airplane into the IRS building,

and I happened to be in Austin that day doing a stand-up comedy show.

a ja som bol v Austine, práve v ten deň,

mal som vystúpenie.

Now I'll tell you, as a Middle-Eastern male,

A poviem vám, ak sa ako muž z Blízkeho Východu

when you show up around a lot of these activities,

často vyskytujete v okolí takýchto aktivít,

you start feeling guilty at one point.

začnete sa cítiť previnilo.

(Laughter)

Pozeral som správy a hovorím si: „Som do toho zapletený?“

I was watching the news. I'm like, "Am I involved in this crap?"

(smiech)

(Laughter)

"I didn't get the memo. What's going on?"

„Nikto mi nič nepovedal. O čo ide?“

(Laughter)

(smiech)

But what was interesting was,

Ale čo bolo zaujímavé, ten pakistanský moslim

the Pakistani Muslim guy -- see, he gives a bad name to Muslims

robí zlé meno moslimom

and Middle Easterners and Pakistanis from all over the world.

a ľuďom z Blízkeho Východu a Pakistanu.

And one thing that happened there was also the Pakistani Taliban

A ďalšia vec, pakistánsky Taliban

took credit for that failed car bombing.

prevzal zodpovednosť za tento zmarený bombový útok.

My question is: Why would you take credit for a failed car bombing?

Pýtam sa: „Prečo by sa niekto prihlásil

k zmarenému bombovému útoku?“

"We just want to say:

„Len sme chceli povedať,

we tried."

že sme sa o to pokúsili.“

(Laughter)

(smiech)

"And furthermore ...

(Laughter)

„A že aj snaha sa cení.“

it is the thought that counts."

(Laughter)

(smiech)

(Applause)

(potlesk)

"And in conclusion, win some, lose some."

„A záver, raz vyhráš, raz prehráš.“

(Laughter)

(smiech)

But what happened was, when the white guy flew his plane into the building,

A vtedy, keď ten beloch napálil lietadlo do budovy,

všetci moji blízkovýchodní a moslimskí kamaráti v štátoch

I know all my Middle Eastern and Muslim friends in the States

sledovali telku a hovorili si: „Prosím, nebuď z Blízkeho Východu.

were watching TV, going,

"Please, don't be Middle Eastern. Don't be Hassan or Hussein."

Nebuď Hassan. Nebuď Hussein.“

A keď povedali, že to bol Jack. „Super!“ potešil som sa.

And the name came out: Jack. I'm like, "Woooo! That's not one of us!"

„Nie je to jeden z nás.“

But I kept watching the news in case they came back,

Ale sledoval som správy ďalej, s obavou, že povedia:

„Predtým, ako to urobil, konvertoval na Islam.“

and were like, "Before he did it, he converted to Islam."

„Do kelu! Prečo Jack? Prečo?“

"Damn it! Why Jack? Why?"

But the fact is, I've been lucky

Ale faktom je, že som mal šťastie, že som mohol vystupovať všade na svete

to get a chance to perform all over the world,

and I did a lot of shows in the Middle East.

a mal som veľa vystúpení na Blízkom Východe.

I just did a seven-country solo tour.

Nedávno som mal sólové turné v siedmych krajinách.

I was in Oman, and I was in Saudi Arabia.

Bol som v Ománe, v Saudskej Arábii, v Dubaji.

I was in Dubai.

And it's great, there's good people everywhere.

Úžasné je, že všade sú dobrí ľudia.

And you learn great things about these places.

A všade sa môžete naučiť úžasné veci.

I encourage people always to go visit these places.

Povzbudzujem ľudí, aby cestovali.

Napríklad Dubaj... skvelé mesto.

For example, Dubai -- cool place.

They're obsessed with having the biggest, tallest, longest, as we all know.

V Dubaji sú posadnutí najväčším, najvyšším, najdlhším.

Je tam nákupné centrum, Dubai Mall,

They have a mall there, the Dubai Mall.

ktoré je také veľké, že sú v ňom taxíky.

It is so big, they have taxis in the mall.

I was walking. I heard, "Beep! Beep!" I'm like, "What are you doing here?"

Kráčam a zrazu počujem „Tú, tút.“

„Čo tu robíš?“, čudujem sa.

He goes, "I'm going to the Zara store. It's three miles away.

„Idem do Zary. Je tri km odtiaľto.

Uhni. Uhni.“

Out of my way. Out of my way. Out of my way."

(Laughter)

And what's crazy -- there's a recession going on, even in Dubai,

A čo je šialené, je kríza, dokonca aj v Dubaji,

ale podľa cien tam, by ste to nezistili.

but you wouldn't know by the prices.

Like in the Dubai Mall, they sell frozen yogurt by the gram.

V Dubai Mall

predávajú mrazený jogurt na gramy.

It's like a drug deal.

Ako drogy.

I was walking by. The guy goes, "Psst! Habibi, my friend."

Išiel som okolo a chlapík, že „Psst, Habini, priateľu.“

(Laughter)

(smiech)

"You want some frozen yogurt?

„Chceš mrazený jogurt?

(Laughter)

Come here. Come here. Come here.

Poď sem. Poď sem. Poď sem.

I have one gram, five gram, 10 gram. How many gram do you want?"

Mám gram, päť gramov, desať gramov. Koľko gramov chceš?“

(Laughter)

(smiech)

I bought five grams. 10 dollars. 10 dollars! I said, "What's in this?"

Kúpil som si päť gramov za 10 dolárov. 10 dolárov! „Čo v ňom je?“

He's like, "Good stuff, man. Colombian. Top of the line."

„Dobrý matroš. Kolumbijský. Najvyššia trieda.“

(Laughter)

Ďalšia vec čo sa sem tam naučíte,

The other thing you learn when you travel in these countries,

keď cestujete do krajín Blízkeho Východu,

in the Middle East, Latin American, South American countries,

niekedy aj do Latinskej a Južne Ameriky...

a lot of times when they build stuff, there's no rules and regulations.

často, keď niečo postavia,

neexistujú na to žiadne pravidlá či normy.

For example, I took my two-year-old son to the playground at the Dubai Mall.

Napríklad som vzal svojho dvojročného syna na ihrisko v Dubai Mall.

And I've taken him to playgrounds all over the United States.

A už som s ním bol na ihriskách po celých Spojených štátoch.

And when you put your two-year-old on a slide in the United States,

A keď pustíte dvojročné dieťa dolu šmykľavkou v Spojených štátoch,

they put something on the slide

niečo na tej šmykľavke je,

to slow the kid down as he comes down the slide.

čo to dieťa spomalí.

Not in the Middle East.

Nie však na Blízkom Východe.

(Laughter)

(smiech)

I put my two-year-old on the slide, he went whoosh! He took off!

Spustil som svojho dvojročného syna zo šmykľavky a on vyletel.

(Laughter)

I went down and, "Where's my son?" "On the third floor, sir. Third floor."

Zídem dole, pozerám: „Kde je môj syn?“

„Na treťom poschodí, pane.“

(smiech)

(Laughter)

"You take a taxi. You go to Zara. Make a left."

„Vezmete si taxík, smerom k Zare a potom doľava.“

(Laughter)

(smiech)

"Try the yogurt. It's very good. Little expensive."

„A ochutnajte jogurt. Je vynikajúci. Trošku drahší.“

(Laughter)

But one thing I try to do with my stand-up is break stereotypes.

Jedno, o čo sa mojimi vystúpeniami snažím, je zbúrať predsudky.

Ja sám som sa predsudkov dopustil.

And I've been guilty of stereotyping as well.

Bol som v Dubaji. Pracujú tam Indovia,

I was in Dubai. And there's a lot of Indians who work in Dubai.

ktorých veľmi dobre neplatia.

And they don't get paid that well.

And I got it in my head that all the Indians must be workers.

A tak som si myslel, že všetci Indovia sú robotníci.

A zabudol som, že v Dubaji sú určite aj úspešní Indovia.

I forgot there's obviously successful Indians in Dubai too.

Mal som vystúpenie a povedali mi

I was doing a show, and they said, "We'll send a driver to pick you up."

„Príde vás vyzdvihnúť auto so šoférom.“

I went down to the lobby, and saw this Indian guy.

Vojdem do hotelovej haly a vidím Inda.

Tak si hovorím: „To bude môj šofér.“

I go, "He must be my driver,"

since he's standing there in a cheap suit, thin mustache, staring at me.

Stál tam, v lacnom obleku, s tenkými fúzikmi a pozeral na mňa.

„Prepáčte, pane, nie ste môj šofér?“

I say, "Excuse me, are you my driver?"

A on, že: „Nie pane, som majiteľ tohto hotela.“

He goes, "No, sir. I own the hotel."

(Laughter)

(smiech)

I go, "I'm sorry! Why were you staring at me?"

„Prepáčte, ale prečo ste na mňa pozerali?“

He goes, "I thought you were my driver."

„Lebo som si myslel, že vy ste môj šofér.“

(Laughter)

(potlesk)

(Applause)

(Laughter)

(smiech)

I'll leave you with this: I try, with my stand-up, to break stereotypes,

Pokúšam sa mojimi vystúpeniami búrať predsudky,

present Middle Easterners and Muslims in a positive light.

predstavovať ľudí z Blízkeho Východu a moslimov v pozitívnom svetle

I hope that in the coming years,

a dúfam, že v najbližších rokoch ich

more film and television programs come out of Hollywood,

bude viac hollywoodskych filmov a televíznych programov

presenting us in a positive light.

tiež prezentovať v pozitívnom svetle.

Who knows? Maybe one day, we'll even have our own James Bond. Right?

Ktovie, možno raz budeme mať vlastného Jamesa Bonda.

"My name is Bond.

„Volám sa Bond, Jamal Bond.“

Jamal Bond."

(Laughter)

(smiech)

Til then, I'll keep telling jokes. Hope you keep laughing.

Dovtedy budem vtipkovať. A vy sa dúfam budete baviť.

Have a good day. Thank you.

Pekný deň. Ďakujem.

(Applause)

(potlesk)