Love, no matter what | Andrew Solomon

Translator: Timothy Covell Reviewer: Morton Bast

Prevodilac: Miloš Milosavljević Lektor: Mile Živković

"Even in purely nonreligious terms,

"Čak i u čisto nereligioznom smislu,

homoseksualnost predstavlja zloupotrebu seksualne sposobnosti.

homosexuality represents a misuse of the sexual faculty.

It is a pathetic little second-rate substitute for reality --

To je patetična, loša zamena za realnost -

a pitiable flight from life.

jadno bekstvo od života.

Kao takvo, ne zaslužuje nikakvo sažaljenje,

As such, it deserves no compassion,

it deserves no treatment as minority martyrdom,

ne zaslužuje nikakvo lečenje

kao mučeništvo manjine

i ne zaslužuje da se smatra ni za šta drugo, osim za opasnu bolest."

and it deserves not to be deemed anything but a pernicious sickness."

That's from "Time" magazine in 1966, when I was three years old.

Ovo je iz časopisa Tajm iz 1966., kada sam imao tri godine.

A prošle godine, predsednik Sjedinjenih Država

And last year, the president of the United States

came out in favor of gay marriage.

je podržao gej brakove.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

I moje pitanje je: kako smo stigli odande dovde?

And my question is:

How did we get from there to here?

How did an illness become an identity?

Kako je bolest postala identitet?

When I was perhaps six years old,

Kada sam imao možda šest godina

I went to a shoe store with my mother and my brother.

otišao sam u prodavnicu cipela sa mojom majkom i mojim bratom.

And at the end of buying our shoes,

I na kraju kupovine cipela

the salesman said to us that we could each have a balloon to take home.

prodavac nam je rekao da možemo da dobijemo svako po jedan balon.

My brother wanted a red balloon,

Moj brat je želeo crveni balon, a ja sam želeo ružičasti.

and I wanted a pink balloon.

Moja majka je rekla da misli da bi bilo bolje da uzmem plavi balon.

My mother said that she thought I'd really rather have a blue balloon.

(Laughter)

Ali ja sam rekao da definitivno hoću ružičasti.

But I said that I definitely wanted the pink one.

I ona me je podsetila da je moja omiljena boja plava.

And she reminded me that my favorite color was blue.

The fact that my favorite color now is blue, but I'm still gay --

Činjenica da je sada moja omiljena boja plava, ali da sam i dalje gej -

(Laughter)

(Smeh) -

is evidence of both my mother's influence

je dokaz i majčinog uticaja i njegovog ograničenja.

and its limits.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

When I was little, my mother used to say,

Kad sam bio mali, moja majka je govorila:

"The love you have for your children is like no other feeling in the world.

"Ljubav koju osećaš prema svojoj deci je kao nijedno drugo osećanje na svetu.

I dok nemaš dece, ne znaš kako je to."

And until you have children, you don't know what it's like."

Kad sam bio mali, shvatio sam to kao najveći kompliment na svetu

And when I was little, I took it as the greatest compliment in the world

that she would say that about parenting my brother and me.

koji bi mogla da kaže o odgajanju mog brata i mene.

And when I was an adolescent, I thought, "But I'm gay,

I kad sam bio adolescent, mislio sam,

ja sam gej i verovatno ne mogu imati porodicu.

and so I probably can't have a family."

And when she said it, it made me anxious.

I kad je to rekla, to je unelo nemir u mene.

And after I came out of the closet,

I kasnije pošto sam se izjasnio kao gej,

kada je nastavila to da govori, besneo sam od toga.

when she continued to say it, it made me furious.

I said, "I'm gay. That's not the direction that I'm headed in.

Rekao sam: "Ja sam gej. To nije pravac u kome idem.

And I want you to stop saying that."

I hoću da prestaneš to da govoriš."

About 20 years ago,

Pre nekih 20 godina, moji izdavači u Njujork Tajmsu su me zamolili

I was asked by my editors at the "New York Times Magazine"

to write a piece about Deaf culture.

da napišem članak o kulturi gluvih.

And I was rather taken aback.

I bio sam prilično zbunjen.

I had thought of deafness entirely as an illness:

Mislio sam o gluvoći kao o bolesti.

those poor people, they couldn't hear,

Jadnici, oni ne mogu da čuju.

they lacked hearing, and what could we do for them?

Nedostaje im sluh, i šta mi možemo da učinimo za njih?

And then I went out into the Deaf world.

I onda sam izašao u svet gluvih.

I went to Deaf clubs.

Otišao sam u klubove gluvih.

I saw performances of Deaf theater and of Deaf poetry.

Video sam predstave teatra gluvih i poezije gluvih.

Čak sam otišao na takmičenje za gluvu mis Amerike u Nešvilu u Tenesiju,

I even went to the Miss Deaf America contest in Nashville, Tennessee,

where people complained about that slurry Southern signing.

gde su se ljudi žalili na otegnut južnjački znakovni govor.

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

I kako sam ulazio sve dublje u svet gluvih,

And as I plunged deeper and deeper into the Deaf world,

postao sam ubeđen da je gluvoća kultura

I became convinced that Deafness was a culture

i da su ljudi u svetu gluvih koji su rekli:

and that the people in the Deaf world who said,

"We don't lack hearing; we have membership in a culture,"

"Nama ne nedostaje sluh, mi imamo članstvo u kulturi",

were saying something that was viable.

govorili nešto što je ostvarivo.

It wasn't my culture,

To nije bila moja kultura

and I didn't particularly want to rush off and join it,

i nisam naročito želeo da požurim i pridružim se,

but I appreciated that it was a culture

ali sam priznavao da je to kultura

and that for the people who were members of it,

i to je, za ljude koji su bili njeni članovi,

it felt as valuable as Latino culture or gay culture or Jewish culture.

bilo tako vredno kao što je i Latino kultura ili gej kultura ili jevrejska kultura.

It felt as valid, perhaps, even as American culture.

Činilo sa da je možda čak isto tako važeća kao i američka kultura.

Then a friend of a friend of mine had a daughter who was a dwarf.

Prijateljica moje prijateljice je imala ćerku koja je patuljak.

I kad se njena ćerka rodila,

And when her daughter was born,

she suddenly found herself confronting questions

ona se iznenada suočila sa pitanjima

koja sada počinju prilično da odjekuju u meni.

that now began to seem quite resonant to me.

She was facing the question of what to do with this child.

Ona se suočila sa pitanjem šta da radi sa tim detetom.

Should she say, "You're just like everyone else but a little bit shorter?"

Da li je trebalo da kaže: "Ti si kao i svi drugi, samo malo niža?"

Ili je trebalo da izgradi neku vrstu identiteta patuljka,

Or should she try to construct some kind of dwarf identity,

get involved in the Little People of America,

da se učlani u "Male ljude Amerike",

become aware of what was happening for dwarfs?

postane svesna onoga što se dešava patuljcima?

And I suddenly thought,

I iznenada sam pomislio

da je većina gluve dece rođena u porodicama roditelja koji čuju.

"Most deaf children are born to hearing parents.

Those hearing parents tend to try to cure them.

Ti roditelji koji čuju, obično pokušavaju da ih izleče.

Those deaf people discover community somehow in adolescence.

Ti gluvi ljudi otkrivaju zajednicu nekako u adolescenciji.

Most gay people are born to straight parents.

Većinu gej ljudi su rodili strejt roditelji.

Those straight parents often want them to function

Ovi strejt roditelji često hoće da oni funkcionišu

u onome što oni misle da je mejnstrim svet

in what they think of as the mainstream world,

and those gay people have to discover identity later on.

i ti gej ljudi moraju da pronađu svoj identitet kasnije.

And here was this friend of mine,

I ta moja prijateljica

looking at these questions of identity with her dwarf daughter.

je razmatrala ova pitanja identiteta sa svojom patuljastom ćerkom.

I pomislio sam, evo ga opet:

And I thought, "There it is again:

a family that perceives itself to be normal

porodica koja smatra sebe za normalnu,

with a child who seems to be extraordinary."

sa detetom koje je izgleda posebno.

And I hatched the idea that there are really two kinds of identity.

I rodila mi se ideja da u stvari postoje dve vrste identiteta.

There are vertical identities,

Vertikalni identiteti,

koji se prenose generacijski sa roditelja na dete.

which are passed down generationally from parent to child.

To su stvari kao: narodnost, obično nacionalnost, jezik, često religija.

Those are things like ethnicity,

frequently nationality, language, often religion.

Those are things you have in common with your parents and with your children.

To su stvari koje su zajedničke vašim roditeljima i deci.

And while some of them can be difficult,

I iako neke od njih mogu biti teške,

there's no attempt to cure them.

ne pokušavate da ih izlečite.

You can argue that it's harder in the United States --

Možete zaključivati da je teže u Sjedinjenim Državama -

our current presidency notwithstanding --

uprkos našem sadašnjem predsedništvu -

biti "obojena" osoba.

to be a person of color.

And yet, we have nobody who is trying to ensure

Pa ipak, nema nikog ko pokušava da obezbedi

that the next generation of children born to African-Americans and Asians

da sledeća generacija dece rođene u afro-američkim i azijskim porodicama

come out with creamy skin and yellow hair.

bude sa kožom boje mleka i plavom kosom.

Drugi su identiteti koje morate da naučite od vršnjačke grupe.

There are these other identities which you have to learn from a peer group,

I ja ih nazivam horizontalni identiteti

and I call them "horizontal identities,"

because the peer group is the horizontal experience.

jer je vršnjačka grupa horizontalno iskustvo.

These are identities that are alien to your parents

Ovo su identiteti koji su strani vašim roditeljima

and that you have to discover when you get to see them in peers.

i koje morate da otkrijete kad ih prepoznate kod vršnjaka.

I ove identitete, ove horizontalne identitete

And those identities, those horizontal identities,

ljudi skoro uvek pokušavaju da izleče.

people have almost always tried to cure.

I ja želim da pogledam kakav je proces

And I wanted to look at what the process is

through which people who have those identities

kroz koji ljudi koji imaju ove identitete

come to a good relationship with them.

ostvare dobar odnos sa njima.

And it seemed to me that there were three levels of acceptance

Izgledalo mi je da ima tri nivoa prihvatanja

that needed to take place.

koji treba da se dese.

To su: samoprihvatanje, prihvatanje porodice i društveno prihvatanje.

There's self-acceptance, there's family acceptance, and there's social acceptance.

And they don't always coincide.

I oni se ne poklapaju uvek.

And a lot of the time, people who have these conditions are very angry,

I u velikom broju slučajeva, ljudi koji imaju ovakva stanja su vrlo ljuti

because they feel as though their parents don't love them,

jer osećaju kao da ih roditelji ne vole,

a u stvari se dešava da ih roditelji ne prihvataju.

when what actually has happened is that their parents don't accept them.

Ljubav je nešto što je u idealnom slučaju tu bezuslovno

Love is something that, ideally, is there unconditionally

throughout the relationship between a parent and a child.

kroz odnos između roditelja i deteta.

But acceptance is something that takes time.

Ali prihvatanje je nešto što zahteva vreme.

It always takes time.

Uvek zahteva vreme.

Jedan od patuljaka koje sam upoznao bio je momak po imenu Klinton Braun.

One of the dwarfs I got to know was a guy named Clinton Brown.

When he was born, he was diagnosed with diastrophic dwarfism,

Kad se rodio dijagnostifikovali su mu distrofični dvorfizam,

veoma invalidno stanje,

a very disabling condition,

and his parents were told that he would never walk,

njegovim roditeljima su rekli da neće nikada moći da hoda i govori,

he would never talk,

he would have no intellectual capacity,

neće imati nikakvog intelektualnog kapaciteta,

and he would probably not even recognize them.

i verovatno čak neće moći ni da ih prepoznaje.

And it was suggested to them that they leave him at the hospital

Savetovali su im da ga ostave u bolnici

so that he could die there quietly.

da može tamo da umre na miru.

His mother said she wasn't going to do it,

Njegova majka je rekla da neće to da uradi.

and she took her son home.

I odvela je svog sina kući.

And even though she didn't have a lot of educational or financial advantages,

I iako nije imala velikih obrazovnih ili finansijskih mogućnosti,

našla je najboljeg doktora u zemlji

she found the best doctor in the country for dealing with diastrophic dwarfism,

za distrofični dvorfizam

and she got Clinton enrolled with him.

i upisala Klintona kod njega.

And in the course of his childhood,

I u toku svog detinjstva

he had 30 major surgical procedures.

on je imao 30 velikih hirurških zahvata.

And he spent all this time stuck in the hospital

Proveo je sve to vreme zaglavljen u bolnici

while he was having those procedures,

dok su mu radili te zahvate

as a result of which, he now can walk.

zbog kojih sada može da hoda.

While he was there, they sent tutors around to help him with his schoolwork,

I dok je bio tamo, slali su mu učitelje da mu pomognu sa školskim zadacima.

I radio je vredno jer nije imao ništa drugo da radi.

and he worked very hard, because there was nothing else to do.

I završio je dostigavši nivo

He ended up achieving at a level

that had never before been contemplated by any member of his family.

koji nikad ranije niko u njegovoj porodici nije zamišljao.

He was the first one in his family, in fact, to go to college,

U stvari, on je bio prvi u porodici koji je otišao na koledž,

where he lived on campus and drove a specially fitted car

gde je živeo u studentskom domu i vozio specijalno prerađen auto

that accommodated his unusual body.

koji je prilagođen njegovom neobičnom telu.

And his mother told me the story of coming home one day --

Njegova majka mi je ispričala priču o tome, kad je došla jednog dana kući -

and he went to college nearby --

a on je otišao na koledž u blizini -

and she said, "I saw that car, which you can always recognize,

i ona je rekla: "Videla sam taj auto, koji uvek možete da prepoznate,

in the parking lot of a bar," she said.

na parkingu ispred bara," rekla je. (Smeh)

(Laughter)

"I pomislila sam, oni su visoki 180, on je 100 centimetara.

"And I thought to myself,

'They're six feet tall, he's three feet tall.

Two beers for them is four beers for him.'"

Dva piva za njih je četiri piva za njega."

Rekla je: "Znala sam da ne mogu da odem tamo i prekinem ga,

She said, "I knew I couldn't go in there and interrupt him,

but I went home, and I left him eight messages on his cell phone."

već sam otišla kući i ostavila mu osam poruka na mobilnom."

She said, "And then I thought,

Rekla je: "I onda sam pomislila,

if someone had said to me, when he was born,

da mi je neko rekao kad se rodio,

that my future worry would be that he'd go drinking and driving

da će moja buduća briga biti to što odlazi da pije i vozi sa drugarima sa koledža..."

with his college buddies ..."

(Laughter)

(Aplauz)

(Applause)

And I said to her,

Pitao sam je: "Šta misliš da si uradila

"What do you think you did that helped him to emerge

što mu je pomoglo da izraste u ovu šarmantnu, ispunjenu, divnu osobu?"

as this charming, accomplished, wonderful person?"

And she said, "What did I do?

Ona je rekla: "Šta sam uradila? Volela sam ga, to je sve.

I loved him, that's all.

Klinton je prosto uvek imao to svetlo u sebi.

Clinton just always had that light in him.

I njegov otac i ja smo imali sreće da budemo prvi koji su to videli."

And his father and I were lucky enough to be the first to see it there."

I'm going to quote from another magazine of the '60s.

Citiraću još jedan članak iz časopisa iz '60-ih.

This one is from 1968 --

Ovaj je iz 1968. - mesečni list Atlantik, glas liberalne Amerike -

"The Atlantic Monthly," voice of liberal America --

written by an important bioethicist.

i napisao ga je značajni bioetičar.

He said, "There is no reason to feel guilty

On kaže: "Nema razloga za osećanje krivice

about putting a Down's syndrome child away,

zbog napuštanja deteta sa Daunovim sindromom,

bilo da je ostavljen u smislu sakrivanja u sanatorijum

whether it is 'put away' in the sense of hidden in a sanitarium

ili u odgovornijem, smrtonosnom smislu.

or in a more responsible, lethal sense.

Da, tužno je. Užasno. Ali ne nosi nikakvu krivicu.

It is sad, yes. Dreadful.

But it carries no guilt.

Prava krivica nastaje samo kad uvredite osobu,

True guilt arises only from an offense against a person,

a daunovac nije osoba."

and a Down's is not a person."

There's been a lot of ink given to the enormous progress that we've made

Puno je mastila potrošeno u ogromnom napretku koji smo napravili

in the treatment of gay people.

u odnosu prema gej ljudima.

The fact that our attitude has changed is in the headlines every day.

Činjenica da se naš stav promenio vidi se u novinskim naslovima svakodnevno.

But we forget how we used to see people who had other differences,

Ali zaboravljamo kako smo gledali ljude sa drugim razlikama,

how we used to see people who were disabled,

kako smo gledali na ljude koji su invalidi,

how inhuman we held people to be.

kako smo ih videli kao neljude.

And the change that's been accomplished there,

I promena koja je tu postignuta,

which is almost equally radical,

koja je skoro jednako radikalna,

is one that we pay not very much attention to.

je ona na koju ne obraćamo mnogo pažnju.

Jedna od porodica koje sam intervjuisao, Tom i Karen Robards,

One of the families I interviewed, Tom and Karen Robards,

bili su zaprepašćeni, kao mladi i uspešni Njujorčani,

were taken aback when, as young and successful New Yorkers,

their first child was diagnosed with Down syndrome.

kad je njihovom prvom detetu dijagnostikovan Daunov sindrom.

They thought the educational opportunities for him were not what they should be,

Mislili su da mogućnosti za njegovo obrazovanje nisu bile kao što bi trebalo

and so they decided they would build a little center --

i odlučili su da naprave mali centar -

two classrooms that they started with a few other parents --

dve učionice u kojima su počeli sa još nekoliko drugih roditelja -

to educate kids with DS.

da obrazuju decu sa Daunovim sindromom.

And over the years, that center grew into something called the Cooke Center,

I tokom godina, centar je izrastao u nešto što se zove Kuk centar,

where there are now thousands upon thousands of children

gde sada ima na hiljade

dece sa intelektualnim ograničenjima koja se obrazuju.

with intellectual disabilities

who are being taught.

In the time since that "Atlantic Monthly" story ran,

U vremenu od izlaska priče u mesečniku Atlantik

the life expectancy for people with Down syndrome has tripled.

prosečno trajanje života ljudi sa Daunovim sindromom se uvećalo tri puta.

U iskustvu ljudi sa Daunovim sindromom ima onih koji su glumci,

The experience of Down syndrome people includes those who are actors,

those who are writers, some who are able to live fully independently in adulthood.

onih koji su pisci, nekih koji mogu da žive potpuno samostalno kad odrastu.

The Robards had a lot to do with that.

Robardsovi imaju puno zasluge u tome.

And I said, "Do you regret it?

Pitao sam: "Da li vam je žao zbog toga?"

Do you wish your child didn't have Down syndrome?

Da li biste želeli da vaše dete nema Daunov sindrom?

Do you wish you'd never heard of it?"

Da li biste želeli da nikad niste čuli za to?"

I, interesantno, njegov otac je rekao:

And interestingly, his father said,

"Well, for David, our son, I regret it,

"Pa zbog Dejvida, našeg sina, mi je žao

jer za njega je teško biti u svetu

because for David, it's a difficult way to be in the world,

and I'd like to give David an easier life.

i voleo bih da omogućim Dejvidu lakši život.

But I think if we lost everyone with Down syndrome,

Ali mislim da bi, da smo izgubili sve one sa Daunovim sindromom, to bio katastrofalan gubitak."

it would be a catastrophic loss."

And Karen Robards said to me, "I'm with Tom.

I Karen Robards mi je rekla: "Slažem se s Tomom.

For David, I would cure it in an instant, to give him an easier life.

Zbog Dejvida, izlečila bih ga odmah da bi mu omogućila lakši život.

But speaking for myself --

Ali govoreći u svoje ime - ne bih nikad verovala pre 23 godine kad je rođen

well, I would never have believed 23 years ago when he was born

da ću doći do momenta -

that I could come to such a point.

govoreći u svoje ime, to me je učinilo mnogo boljom i mnogo plemenitijom

Speaking for myself, it's made me so much better and so much kinder

and so much more purposeful in my whole life that, speaking for myself,

i sa mnogo više svrhe u mom celom životu,

da, govoreći u svoje ime, ne bih to menjala ni za šta na svetu."

I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world."

Živimo u momentu kada je društveno prihvatanje ovih i mnogih drugih stanja

We live at a point when social acceptance for these and many other conditions

is on the up and up.

u porastu.

Pa ipak, takođe živimo u momentu

And yet we also live at the moment

kada je naša sposobnost da eliminišemo ova stanja

when our ability to eliminate those conditions

has reached a height we never imagined before.

dostigla visine koje nikad nismo zamišljali.

Most deaf infants born in the United States now

Većina gluve dece rođene u Sjedinjenim Državama sada,

will receive cochlear implants,

će dobiti implante

which are put into the brain and connected to a receiver,

koji se stavljaju u mozak i povezani su sa prijemnikom

and which allow them to acquire a facsimile of hearing

i koji im omogućavaju da dobiju kopiju slušanja i koriste oralni govor.

and to use oral speech.

A compound that has been tested in mice, BMN-111,

Jedinjenje koje je testirano na miševima, BMN-111,

is useful in preventing the action of the achondroplasia gene.

je korisno za sprečavanje aktivnosti gena ahondroplazije.

Achondroplasia is the most common form of dwarfism,

Ahondroplazija je najčešći oblik patuljastog rasta

and mice who have been given that substance

i miševi kojima su dali tu supstancu i koji su imali gen ahondroplazije

and who have the achondroplasia gene

grow to full size.

su izrasli do pune veličine.

Testing in humans is around the corner.

Testiranje na ljudima vreba iza ćoška.

There are blood tests which are making progress

Postoje analize krvi koje napreduju i

koje pronalaze Daunov sindrom u trudnoćama, jasnije i ranije nego ikada,

that would pick up Down syndrome more clearly and earlier in pregnancies

than ever before,

making it easier and easier for people to eliminate those pregnancies,

sve više olakšavajući ljudima da eliminišu te trudnoće

or to terminate them.

ili da ih prekinu.

So we have both social progress and medical progress.

Tako imamo i društveni i medicinski napredak.

And I believe in both of them.

I ja verujem u oba.

I believe the social progress is fantastic and meaningful and wonderful,

Verujem da je društveni napredak fantastičan, smislen i sjajan

and I think the same thing about the medical progress.

i isto mislim i za medicinski napredak.

But I think it's a tragedy when one of them doesn't see the other.

Ali mislim da je tragedija kad jedan od njih ne vidi drugi.

I kada vidim kako se ukrštaju

And when I see the way they're intersecting

u uslovima kao ova tri koja sam opisao,

in conditions like the three I've just described,

I sometimes think it's like those moments in grand opera

ponekad mislim da je to kao oni momenti u velikoj operi

kad heroj shvata da voli heroinu

when the hero realizes he loves the heroine

at the exact moment that she lies expiring on a divan.

baš u onom trenutku kad ona umire na sofi.

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

Treba da razmislimo šta mislimo o izlečenjima uopšte.

We have to think about how we feel about cures altogether.

And a lot of the time the question of parenthood is:

Mnogo puta je pitanje roditeljstva

What do we validate in our children,

šta da cenimo kod naše dece,

and what do we cure in them?

a šta da lečimo?

Jim Sinclair, a prominent autism activist, said,

Džim Sinkler, značajni aktivista autizma, kaže:

"When parents say, 'I wish my child did not have autism,'

"Kad roditelji kažu: 'Voleo bih da moje dete nema autizam',

oni u stvari kažu: 'Voleo bih da dete koje imam, ne postoji.

what they're really saying is, 'I wish the child I have did not exist

and I had a different, nonautistic child instead.'

i da imam drugo, neautistično dete umesto njega'.

Read that again. This is what we hear when you mourn over our existence.

Pročitajte to ponovo. To je ono što čujemo kad oplakujete naše postojanje.

This is what we hear when you pray for a cure:

To je ono što čujemo kad se molite za izlečenje -

da je vaša najveća želja u vezi sa nama

that your fondest wish for us is that someday we will cease to be,

to da jednog dana prestanemo da postojimo

and strangers you can love will move in behind our faces."

i stranci koje možete da volite se presele iza naših lica."

To je vrlo ekstreman pogled

It's a very extreme point of view,

but it points to the reality that people engage with the life they have

ali on ukazuje na realnost da se ljudi upuštaju u život koji imaju

i ne žele da budu izlečeni ili promenjeni ili eliminisani.

and they don't want to be cured or changed or eliminated.

They want to be whoever it is that they've come to be.

Oni žele da budu šta god da su.

Jedna od porodica koje sam intervjuisao za ovaj projekat

One of the families I interviewed for this project

was the family of Dylan Klebold,

bila je porodica Dilana Klibolda koji je bio jedan od zločinaca u masakru u Kolumbajnu.

who was one of the perpetrators of the Columbine massacre.

Trebalo je puno vremena da ih ubedim da pričaju sa mnom

It took a long time to persuade them to talk to me,

and once they agreed, they were so full of their story

a kada su pristali, bili su toliko ispunjeni svojom pričom

that they couldn't stop telling it,

da nisu mogli da prestanu da je pričaju.

Prvog vikenda koji sam proveo s njima - prvi od mnogih

and the first weekend I spent with them, the first of many,

I recorded more than 20 hours of conversation.

snimio sam više od 20 sati razgovora.

And on Sunday night, we were all exhausted.

I u nedelju uveče, svi smo bili iscrpljeni.

We were sitting in the kitchen. Sue Klebold was fixing dinner.

Sedeli smo u kuhinji. Su Klibold je spremala večeru.

I ja sam pitao: "Da je Dilan sada ovde,

And I said, "If Dylan were here now,

do you have a sense of what you'd want to ask him?"

da li imate osećaj šta biste želeli da ga pitate?"

And his father said, "I sure do.

I njegov otac je rekao: "Naravno da imam.

I'd want to ask him what the hell he thought he was doing."

Želeo bih da ga pitam šta je to dođavola mislio da radi."

And Sue looked at the floor, and she thought for a minute.

Su je pogledala u pod i razmislila na minut.

I onda je podigla pogled i rekla:

And then she looked back up and said,

"Ja bih ga pitala da mi oprosti što, kao njegova majka,

"I would ask him to forgive me for being his mother

nikad nisam znala šta se događa u njegovoj glavi."

and never knowing what was going on inside his head."

When I had dinner with her a couple of years later --

Kad sam večerao sa njom nakon nekoliko godina -

one of many dinners that we had together --

jedna od mnogih zajedničkih večera -

she said, "You know, when it first happened,

rekla je: "Znaš, kad se to dogodilo,

I used to wish that I had never married, that I had never had children.

poželela sam da se nikad nisam udala i da nikad nisam imala dece.

If I hadn't gone to Ohio State and crossed paths with Tom,

Da nisam otišla u Ohajo i ukrstila put sa Tomom,

ovo dete ne bi postojalo i ova užasna stvar se ne bi dogodila.

this child wouldn't have existed,

and this terrible thing wouldn't have happened.

Ali osetila sam da sam volela svoju decu toliko

But I've come to feel that I love the children I had so much

that I don't want to imagine a life without them.

da nisam htela da zamislim život bez njih.

I recognize the pain they caused to others,

Prepoznajem bol koji su naneli drugima, što ne može da se oprosti

for which there can be no forgiveness,

but the pain they caused to me, there is," she said.

ali za bol koji su naneli meni, može", rekla je.

"Iako priznajem da bi bilo bolje za svet

"So while I recognize that it would have been better for the world

if Dylan had never been born,

da se Dilan nije rodio,

I've decided that it would not have been better for me."

odlučila sam da to ne bi bilo bolje za mene."

Mislio sam da je iznenađujuće kako su ove porodice imale svu ovu decu sa svim ovim problemima,

I thought it was surprising

how all of these families had all of these children

with all of these problems,

problems that they mostly would have done anything to avoid,

problemima za koje bi uglavnom uradili sve da ih izbegnu

and that they had all found so much meaning in that experience of parenting.

i da su svi našli tako puno smisla u tom iskustvu roditeljstva.

I onda sam pomislio da svi mi koji imamo decu

And then I thought, all of us who have children

love the children we have, with their flaws.

volimo ih sa njihovim manama.

Kad bi neki divni anđeo iznenada sišao kroz plafon moje dnevne sobe

If some glorious angel suddenly descended through my living-room ceiling

and offered to take away the children I have

i ponudio mi da odvede moju decu

and give me other, better children --

i dovede mi drugu, bolju decu - učtiviju, zabavniju, finiju, pametniju -

more polite, funnier, nicer, smarter --

(Laughter)

ja bih zadržao svoju decu i oterao tu gnusnu predstavu.

I would cling to the children I have and pray away that atrocious spectacle.

I konačno osećam

And ultimately,

I feel that in the same way that we test flame-retardant pajamas in an inferno

da na isti način kao što testiramo pidžame otporne na vatru u paklu

to ensure they won't catch fire when our child reaches across the stove,

da bi bili sigurni da se neće zapaliti kad se naša deca nagnu preko peći,

so these stories of families negotiating these extreme differences

tako se ove priče o porodicama koje savlađuju ove ekstremne razlike

reflect on the universal experience of parenting,

ogledaju u univerzalnom iskustvu roditeljstva

which is always that sometimes, you look at your child, and you think,

što je uvek ono kad pogledate svoje dete i pomislite,

odakle li si ti došao?

"Where did you come from?"

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

It turns out that while each of these individual differences is siloed --

Izgleda da, dok je svaka od ovih individualnih razlika uskladištena,

there are only so many families dealing with schizophrenia,

ima puno porodica koje su suočene sa šizofrenijom,

only so many families of children who are transgender,

ima puno porodica dece koja su transrodna,

ima puno porodica sa izuzetno talentovanom decom,

only so many families of prodigies --

who also face similar challenges in many ways --

koje se isto suočavaju sa sličnim izazovima,

there are only so many families in each of those categories.

ima puno porodica u svakoj od ovih kategorija,

ali ako počnete da razmišljate

But if you start to think

that the experience of negotiating difference within your family

da je iskustvo savlađivanja razlika u vašoj porodici

ono o čemu ljudi govore,

is what people are addressing,

onda otkrivate da je to skoro univerzalni fenomen.

then you discover that it's a nearly universal phenomenon.

Ironically, it turns out,

Ironično, izgleda, da su naše razlike i naše savlađivanje razlika

that it's our differences and our negotiation of difference

that unite us.

ono što nas sjedinjuje.

I decided to have children while I was working on this project.

Odlučio sam da imam decu dok sam radio na ovom projektu.

And many people were astonished and said,

I mnogi ljudi su bili zaprepašćeni i rekli su:

"But how can you decide to have children

"Ali kako možeš da rešiš da imaš decu

usred proučavanja svega onoga što tu može da krene po zlu?"

in the midst of studying everything that can go wrong?"

And I said, "I'm not studying everything that can go wrong.

Rekao sam: "Ne proučavam ono što može da krene po zlu.

What I'm studying is how much love there can be,

Proučavam koliko ljubavi može da bude

even when everything appears to be going wrong."

čak i ako sve izgleda da ide po zlu."

I thought a lot about the mother of one disabled child I had seen,

Razmišljao sam dosta o majci jednog invalidnog deteta koje sam video,

teško invalidnog deteta koje je umrlo zbog nebrige osobe koja ga je negovala.

a severely disabled child who died through caregiver neglect.

And when his ashes were interred, his mother said,

I kad je njegov pepeo zakopan, njegova majka je rekla:

"Molim se ovde sada, za oproštaj što sam bila dvaput opljačkana,

"I pray here for forgiveness for having been twice robbed:

once of the child I wanted,

jedanput mi je uzeto dete koje sam htela i jedanput sin kog sam volela."

and once of the son I loved."

And I figured it was possible, then, for anyone to love any child,

I shvatio sam da je onda moguće da svako voli bilo koje dete

if they had the effective will to do so.

ako ima stvarnu volju za to.

Moj muž je biološki otac dvoje dece

So, my husband is the biological father of two children

with some lesbian friends in Minneapolis.

sa nekim prijateljicama lezbejkama u Mineapolisu.

Ja imam prijateljicu sa koledža koja se razvela i htela da ima decu.

I had a close friend from college who'd gone through a divorce

and wanted to have children.

And so she and I have a daughter,

I ona i ja imamo ćerku

and mother and daughter live in Texas.

i majka i ćerka žive u Teksasu.

And my husband and I have a son who lives with us all the time,

A moj muž i ja imamo sina koji živi sa nama,

of whom I am the biological father,

kome sam ja biološki otac

a naš surogat za trudnoću je bila Lora,

and our surrogate for the pregnancy was Laura,

the lesbian mother of Oliver and Lucy in Minneapolis.

lezbejka majka Olivera i Lusi u Mineapolisu.

(Laughter)

(Aplauz)

So --

(Applause)

Ukratko, pet roditelja četvoro dece u tri države.

The shorthand is: five parents of four children in three states.

(Laughter)

And there are people who think that the existence of my family

I ima ljudi koji misle da postojanje moje porodice

somehow undermines or weakens or damages their family.

na neki način podriva ili slabi ili šteti njihovoj porodici.

And there are people who think that families like mine

I ima ljudi koji misle da porodicama kao što je moja

shouldn't be allowed to exist.

ne bi trebalo da se dozvoli da postoje.

And I don't accept subtractive models of love,

A ja ne prihvatam oduzimajuće modele ljubavi, već samo dodajuće.

only additive ones.

And I believe that in the same way that we need species diversity

I verujem da, na isti način kao što nam je potrebna različitost vrsta

to ensure that the planet can go on,

da obezbedimo dalje postojanje planete,

tako nam treba i ova različitost afiniteta i različitost porodica

so we need this diversity of affection and diversity of family

in order to strengthen the ecosphere of kindness.

da bismo ojačali biosferu plemenitosti.

Dan pošto se naš sin rodio

The day after our son was born,

the pediatrician came into the hospital room

doktorka, pedijatar, je došla u bolničku sobu i rekla da je zabrinuta.

and said she was concerned.

He wasn't extending his legs appropriately.

On nije ispravljao noge kako treba.

Rekla je da to može da znači da ima oštećenje mozga.

She said that might mean that he had brain damage.

Insofar as he was extending them, he was doing so asymmetrically,

Kako ih je do sada ispravljao, radio je to asimetrično,

which she thought could mean that there was a tumor of some kind in action.

što je ona mislila da može da znači da postoji neki tumor.

I imao je veliku glavu, za šta je mislila da može da bude višak tečnosti u lobanji.

And he had a very large head,

which she thought might indicate hydrocephalus.

And as she told me all of these things,

I kad mi je rekla sve ovo

I felt the very center of my being pouring out onto the floor.

osećao sam da se središte mog bića prosipa na pod.

And I thought, "Here I had been working for years

I mislio sam, radio sam godinama

on a book about how much meaning people had found

na knjizi o tome koliko smisla ljudi nalaze

in the experience of parenting children who were disabled,

u iskustvu odgajanja dece koja su invalidi

i nisam hteo da im se pridružim.

and I didn't want to join their number

because what I was encountering was an idea of illness."

Jer ono što sam nalazio bila je ideja o bolesti.

And like all parents since the dawn of time,

I kao svi roditelji od početka vremena,

želeo sam da zaštitim svoje dete od bolesti.

I wanted to protect my child from illness.

I želeo sam takođe da zaštitim sebe od bolesti.

And I wanted, also, to protect myself from illness.

And yet, I knew from the work I had done

Pa ipak, znao sam iz rada koji sam uradio da,

da je imao bilo šta od onoga na šta smo se spremili da ga testiramo,

that if he had any of the things we were about to start testing for,

to bi bio na kraju njegov identitet

that those would ultimately be his identity,

i ako bi to bio njegov identitet, to bi postalo i moj identitet,

and if they were his identity, they would become my identity,

that that illness was going to take a very different shape as it unfolded.

da će ta bolest, kako se razvija, imati vrlo drugačiji oblik.

We took him to the MRI machine, we took him to the CAT scanner,

Odveli smo ga na magnetnu rezonancu, odveli smo ga na CT skener,

we took this day-old child and gave him over for an arterial blood draw.

uzeli smo ovo dete staro jedan dan i dali ga na vađenje krvi.

We felt helpless.

Osećali smo se bespomoćno.

And at the end of five hours,

I posle pet sati

rekli su da je njegov mozak potpuno čist

they said that his brain was completely clear

and that he was by then extending his legs correctly.

i da je do tada već počeo da ispravlja noge pravilno.

And when I asked the pediatrician what had been going on,

I kada sam pitao pedijatra šta se to onda desilo,

she said she thought in the morning, he had probably had a cramp.

rekla je da je jutros verovatno imao grč.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

But I thought --

Ali pomislio sam koliko je moja majka bila u pravu.

(Laughter)

I thought how my mother was right.

I thought, "The love you have for your children

Pomislio sam da je ljubav prema svojoj deci

is unlike any other feeling in the world.

kao nijedno drugo osećanje na svetu

And until you have children, you don't know what it feels like.

i dok nemaš dece, ne znaš kako je to.

Mislim da su me deca uhvatila u zamku

I think children had ensnared me

the moment I connected fatherhood with loss.

u trenutku kad sam povezao očinstvo sa gubitkom.

Ali nisam siguran da bih to primetio

But I'm not sure I would have noticed that

da nisam bio toliko duboko u ovom mom istraživačkom projektu.

if I hadn't been so in the thick of this research project of mine.

I'd encountered so much strange love,

Našao sam toliko mnogo neobične ljubavi

and I fell very naturally into its bewitching patterns.

i osetio sam se vrlo prirodno u njenim omamljujućim obrascima.

And I saw how splendor can illuminate even the most abject vulnerabilities.

I video sam kako sjaj može da obasja i najbednije ranjivosti.

Tokom ovih 10 godina bio sam svedok i naučio

During these 10 years, I had witnessed and learned

zastrašujuću radost nepodnošljive odgovornosti

the terrifying joy of unbearable responsibility,

and I had come to see how it conquers everything else.

i video sam kako ona osvaja sve drugo.

I dok sam ponekad mislio da su roditelji koje sam intervjuisao budale

And while I had sometimes thought the parents I was interviewing were fools,

enslaving themselves to a lifetime's journey with their thankless children

koje se zarobljavaju doživotno sa svojom nezahvalnom decom

pokušavajući da stvore identitet od bede,

and trying to breed identity out of misery,

shvatio sam tog dana da mi je moje istraživanje napravilo dasku za hodanje

I realized that day that my research had built me a plank

i bio sam spreman da im se pridružim na njihovom brodu.

and that I was ready to join them on their ship.

Hvala vam.

Thank you.

(Applause and cheers)

(Aplauz)

Thank you.