Love, no matter what | Andrew Solomon

Translator: Timothy Covell Reviewer: Morton Bast

Prevoditelj: Dalibora Behmen Recezent: Senzos Osijek

"Even in purely nonreligious terms,

"Čak i u potpuno nereligioznom kontekstu,

homoseksualnost predstavlja zlouporabu seksualnih mogućnosti.

homosexuality represents a misuse of the sexual faculty.

It is a pathetic little second-rate substitute for reality --

Ona je jadna, drugorazredna zamjena za stvarnost --

a pitiable flight from life.

jadan bijeg od života.

Kao takva ne zaslužuje suosjećanje,

As such, it deserves no compassion,

it deserves no treatment as minority martyrdom,

ne zaslužuje da se prema njoj odnosi

kao prema teškoj patnji manjine

i ne zaslužuje da se smatra ičim drugim doli opasnom bolešću."

and it deserves not to be deemed anything but a pernicious sickness."

That's from "Time" magazine in 1966, when I was three years old.

Ovo je citat iz časopisa Time iz 1966. kada sam imao tri godine.

Prošle je godine predsjednik SAD-a

And last year, the president of the United States

came out in favor of gay marriage.

podržao gay brakove.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

Moje pitanje je kako smo stigli odatle do ovdje?

And my question is:

How did we get from there to here?

How did an illness become an identity?

Kako je bolest postala identitet?

When I was perhaps six years old,

Kada sam imao otprilike šest godina,

I went to a shoe store with my mother and my brother.

otišao sam s majkom i bratom u trgovinu cipela.

And at the end of buying our shoes,

Kada smo kupili cipele,

the salesman said to us that we could each have a balloon to take home.

prodavač nam je rekao da možemo dobiti po jedan balon svaki.

My brother wanted a red balloon,

Moj brat je htio crveni balon, a ja sam htio ružičasti.

and I wanted a pink balloon.

Moja majka je rekla da misli kako bih ja radije htio plavi balon.

My mother said that she thought I'd really rather have a blue balloon.

(Laughter)

No ja sam rekao da bih bez dvojbe htio ružičasti.

But I said that I definitely wanted the pink one.

Na što me ona podsjetila da mi je omiljena boja plava.

And she reminded me that my favorite color was blue.

The fact that my favorite color now is blue, but I'm still gay --

Činjenica da mi je danas omiljena boja plava, no da sam i dalje gay --

(Laughter)

(Smijeh) --

is evidence of both my mother's influence

je istovremeno dokaz majčinog utjecaja i njegovih ograničenja.

and its limits.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

When I was little, my mother used to say,

Kada sam bio mali, moja majka je često govorila:

"The love you have for your children is like no other feeling in the world.

"Ljubav prema vlastitoj djeci se ne može mjeriti s nijednim drugim osjećajem.

I dok ne budeš imao svoju djecu, nećeš znati kako je to."

And until you have children, you don't know what it's like."

Kada sam bio mali, mislio sam kako je najveći kompliment na svijetu

And when I was little, I took it as the greatest compliment in the world

that she would say that about parenting my brother and me.

što može reći tako nešto o odgoju mog brata i mene.

And when I was an adolescent, I thought, "But I'm gay,

Kada sam bio adolescent, mislio sam

kako vjerojatno neću moći imati obitelj jer sam gay.

and so I probably can't have a family."

And when she said it, it made me anxious.

Kada je ona to rekla to me uznemirilo.

And after I came out of the closet,

Kada sam priznao da sam gay,

when she continued to say it, it made me furious.

a ona je to nastavila govoriti, to me činilo bijesnim.

I said, "I'm gay. That's not the direction that I'm headed in.

Rekao sam: "Ja sam gay. Moj život ne ide u tom pravcu.

And I want you to stop saying that."

Želim da to prestaneš govoriti."

About 20 years ago,

Prije otprilike 20 godina, moji urednici u The New York Timesu su me zamolili

I was asked by my editors at the "New York Times Magazine"

to write a piece about Deaf culture.

da napišem članak o kulturi gluhih osoba.

And I was rather taken aback.

Bio sam prilično zatečen.

I had thought of deafness entirely as an illness:

O gluhoći sam razmišljao isključivo kao o bolesti.

those poor people, they couldn't hear,

Ti jadni ljudi ne mogu čuti.

they lacked hearing, and what could we do for them?

Nemaju osjet sluha i što mi možemo učiniti za njih?

And then I went out into the Deaf world.

Tada sam otišao u svijet gluhih osoba.

I went to Deaf clubs.

Išao sam u klubove za gluhe.

I saw performances of Deaf theater and of Deaf poetry.

Gledao sam nastupe kazališta za gluhe i poezije za gluhe.

Čak sam išao na izbor Gluhe Miss Amerike u Nashvilleu, u državi Tennessee

I even went to the Miss Deaf America contest in Nashville, Tennessee,

where people complained about that slurry Southern signing.

gdje su se ljudi žalili na nerazumljivi južnjački znakovni jezik.

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

Kada sam dublje uronio u svijet gluhih,

And as I plunged deeper and deeper into the Deaf world,

uvjerio sam se da je gluhoća kultura

I became convinced that Deafness was a culture

i da ljudi u svijetu gluhih koji su govorili:

and that the people in the Deaf world who said,

"We don't lack hearing; we have membership in a culture,"

"Nama ne nedostaje osjet sluha, mi smo članovi jedne kulture."

were saying something that was viable.

govore o nečem smislenom.

It wasn't my culture,

To nije bila moja kultura

and I didn't particularly want to rush off and join it,

i nisam joj se posebno želio priključiti,

but I appreciated that it was a culture

ali sam shvatio da to jest kultura

and that for the people who were members of it,

i da za osobe koje joj pripadaju

it felt as valuable as Latino culture or gay culture or Jewish culture.

ima jednaku vrijednost kao latinoamerička, gay ili židovska kultura.

It felt as valid, perhaps, even as American culture.

Možda su je doživljavali jednako valjanom poput američke kulture.

Then a friend of a friend of mine had a daughter who was a dwarf.

Zatim je prijateljica mog prijatelja dobila kćer koja je patuljak.

Kada joj se rodila kćer,

And when her daughter was born,

she suddenly found herself confronting questions

odjednom se suočila s pitanjima

koja su mi se činila prilično jasnima.

that now began to seem quite resonant to me.

She was facing the question of what to do with this child.

Suočila se s pitanjem što činiti s tim djetetom.

Should she say, "You're just like everyone else but a little bit shorter?"

Bi li mu trebala reći: "Ti si isti kao svi drugi samo malo niži?"

Ili je trebala izgraditi neku vrst identiteta patuljka,

Or should she try to construct some kind of dwarf identity,

get involved in the Little People of America,

uključiti se u udrugu Osoba malog rasta,

become aware of what was happening for dwarfs?

osvijestiti što se događa s patuljcima?

And I suddenly thought,

Tada sam pomislio

kako većina gluhe djece imaju roditelje koji čuju.

"Most deaf children are born to hearing parents.

Those hearing parents tend to try to cure them.

Ti roditelji ih pokušavaju izliječiti.

Those deaf people discover community somehow in adolescence.

Te gluhe osobe u adolescenciji otkrivaju svoju zajednicu.

Most gay people are born to straight parents.

Većina gay osoba imaju roditelje koji su heteroseksualni.

Those straight parents often want them to function

Ti heteroseksualni roditelji uglavnom žele da njihova djeca funkcioniraju

u svijetu kojeg oni vide kao uobičajen

in what they think of as the mainstream world,

and those gay people have to discover identity later on.

te ta gay djeca moraju kasnije otkriti vlastiti identitet.

And here was this friend of mine,

I tu je primjer moje prijateljice

looking at these questions of identity with her dwarf daughter.

koja se suočavala s pitanjima identiteta svoje kćeri patuljastog rasta.

Pomislio sam kako se opet radi o istom:

And I thought, "There it is again:

a family that perceives itself to be normal

obitelj koja sebe doživljava normalnom

with a child who seems to be extraordinary."

s neobičnim djetetom.

And I hatched the idea that there are really two kinds of identity.

Javila mi se ideja da postoje dvije vrste identiteta.

There are vertical identities,

Postoji vertikalni identitet

koji se prenosi generacijski s roditelja na dijete.

which are passed down generationally from parent to child.

To su stvari poput etničke pripadnosti, nacionalnosti, jezika i često vjere.

Those are things like ethnicity,

frequently nationality, language, often religion.

Those are things you have in common with your parents and with your children.

To su stvari koje su zajedničke vama, vašim roditeljima i vašoj djeci.

And while some of them can be difficult,

I iako neke od njih mogu biti teške,

there's no attempt to cure them.

ne pokušava ih se izliječiti.

You can argue that it's harder in the United States --

Možete tvrditi da je u SAD-u,

our current presidency notwithstanding --

bez obzira na trenutnog predsjednika,

teže biti osoba koja nije bijele kože.

to be a person of color.

And yet, we have nobody who is trying to ensure

A ipak nitko ne pokušava osigurati

that the next generation of children born to African-Americans and Asians

da se iduća generacija djece čiji su roditelji afroamerikaci ili azijati

come out with creamy skin and yellow hair.

rodi svijetloputa i plavokosa.

Postoji i druga vrst identiteta koja se uči od vršnjaka

There are these other identities which you have to learn from a peer group,

koju nazivam horizontalnim identitetom

and I call them "horizontal identities,"

because the peer group is the horizontal experience.

jer je grupa vršnjaka horizontalno iskustvo.

These are identities that are alien to your parents

To su identiteti strani vašim roditeljima

and that you have to discover when you get to see them in peers.

i koje morate otkriti od vršnjaka.

Te horizontalne identitete,

And those identities, those horizontal identities,

su ljudi gotovo uvijek pokušavali liječiti.

people have almost always tried to cure.

Htio sam saznati kojim procesom

And I wanted to look at what the process is

through which people who have those identities

se osobe koje imaju te identitete

come to a good relationship with them.

mire s njima.

And it seemed to me that there were three levels of acceptance

I činilo mi se da postoje tri razine prihvaćanja

that needed to take place.

koje se moraju dogoditi.

Prihvaćanje samih sebe, roditeljsko i društveno prihvaćanje.

There's self-acceptance, there's family acceptance, and there's social acceptance.

And they don't always coincide.

I ona se uvijek ne podudaraju.

And a lot of the time, people who have these conditions are very angry,

Osobe koje imaju ova stanja su često ljute

because they feel as though their parents don't love them,

jer osjećaju da ih roditelji ne vole

dok ih zapravo roditelji ne prihvaćaju.

when what actually has happened is that their parents don't accept them.

Idealno, ljubav postoji bezuvjetno

Love is something that, ideally, is there unconditionally

throughout the relationship between a parent and a child.

između djeteta i roditelja.

But acceptance is something that takes time.

No za prihvaćanje treba vremena.

It always takes time.

Uvijek treba vremena.

Jedna osoba patuljastog rasta koju sam upoznao se zvao Clinton Brown.

One of the dwarfs I got to know was a guy named Clinton Brown.

When he was born, he was diagnosed with diastrophic dwarfism,

Kad se rodio, dijagnosticiran mu je teški oblik patuljastosti,

stanje teškog invaliditeta.

a very disabling condition,

and his parents were told that he would never walk,

Roditeljima je rečeno da neće nikada hodati, govoriti,

he would never talk,

he would have no intellectual capacity,

imati ikakve intelektualne mogućnosti

and he would probably not even recognize them.

te da ih vjerojatno neće ni prepoznavati.

And it was suggested to them that they leave him at the hospital

Predloženo im je da ga ostave u bolnici

so that he could die there quietly.

kako bi mogao mirno umrijeti.

His mother said she wasn't going to do it,

Njegova majka je to odbila.

and she took her son home.

I odvela ga kući.

And even though she didn't have a lot of educational or financial advantages,

I iako nije imala velikih obrazovnih i financijskih mogućnosti,

pronašla je najboljeg doktora u zemlji

she found the best doctor in the country for dealing with diastrophic dwarfism,

za njegovo stanje

and she got Clinton enrolled with him.

i upisala je Clintona kod njega.

And in the course of his childhood,

Tokom djetinjstva

he had 30 major surgical procedures.

Clinton je prošao 30 velikih operacija.

And he spent all this time stuck in the hospital

I proveo je svo to vrijeme u bolnici

while he was having those procedures,

dok je prolazio te zahvate.

as a result of which, he now can walk.

Rezultat je da danas može hodati.

While he was there, they sent tutors around to help him with his schoolwork,

Dok je bio tamo, slali su učitelje da mu pomognu sa školovanjem.

Naporno je radio jer ionako nije imao što drugo činiti.

and he worked very hard, because there was nothing else to do.

Na koncu je dosegao stupanj obrazovanja

He ended up achieving at a level

that had never before been contemplated by any member of his family.

o kojem nitko u njegovoj obitelji do tada nije ni razmišljao.

He was the first one in his family, in fact, to go to college,

Bio je prva osoba iz svoje obitelji koja je otišla na fakultet.

where he lived on campus and drove a specially fitted car

Stanovao je na kampusu i vozio automobil prilagođen

that accommodated his unusual body.

njegovom neobičnom tijelu.

And his mother told me the story of coming home one day --

Njegova majka mi je ispričala kako je jednom došla kući --

and he went to college nearby --

on je pohađao obližnji fakultet --

and she said, "I saw that car, which you can always recognize,

i ugledala njegov prepoznatljiv automobil

in the parking lot of a bar," she said.

na parkiralištu jednog kafića. (Smijeh)

(Laughter)

"Pomislila sam, oni su visoki 180, a on 90cm.

"And I thought to myself,

'They're six feet tall, he's three feet tall.

Two beers for them is four beers for him.'"

Ono što je njima dva piva, njemu su četiri."

"Znala sam da ne mogu ući i prekinuti ga,

She said, "I knew I couldn't go in there and interrupt him,

but I went home, and I left him eight messages on his cell phone."

pa sam otišla kući i ostavila mu osam poruka na mobitel."

She said, "And then I thought,

"Tada sam pomislila da ne bih vjerovala

if someone had said to me, when he was born,

da mi je netko rekao kada se rodio

that my future worry would be that he'd go drinking and driving

kako ću se u budućnosti brinuti što s prijateljima pije i onda vozi."

with his college buddies ..."

(Laughter)

(Pljesak)

(Applause)

And I said to her,

Pitao sam je: "Što misliš da si učinila

"What do you think you did that helped him to emerge

da mu je pomoglo da postane takva šarmantna, uspješna i prekrasna osoba?"

as this charming, accomplished, wonderful person?"

And she said, "What did I do?

"Što sam učinila? Voljela sam ga, samo to.

I loved him, that's all.

Clinton je uvijek imao tu iskru,

Clinton just always had that light in him.

a njegov otac i ja smo imali tu sreću da je prvi ugledamo."

And his father and I were lucky enough to be the first to see it there."

I'm going to quote from another magazine of the '60s.

Navest ću citat iz još jednog časopisa iz 60tih.

This one is from 1968 --

Ovaj je iz 1968., iz The Atlantic Monthly, glasa liberalne Amerike --

"The Atlantic Monthly," voice of liberal America --

written by an important bioethicist.

a napisao ga je važan bioetičar.

He said, "There is no reason to feel guilty

Rekao je: "Ne treba osjećati krivnju

about putting a Down's syndrome child away,

zbog uklanjanja djeteta s Downovim sindromom,

bilo da se radi o skrivanju u sanatorij

whether it is 'put away' in the sense of hidden in a sanitarium

ili odgovornijem, smrtonosnom načinu.

or in a more responsible, lethal sense.

Da, to je tužno i strašno. Ali nema krivnje.

It is sad, yes. Dreadful.

But it carries no guilt.

Istinska krivnja proizlazi iz napada na osobu,

True guilt arises only from an offense against a person,

a Downovac nije osoba."

and a Down's is not a person."

There's been a lot of ink given to the enormous progress that we've made

Puno se pisalo o napretku koji smo postigli

in the treatment of gay people.

u odnosu spram gay osoba.

The fact that our attitude has changed is in the headlines every day.

To se svakodnevno vidi u novinskim naslovima.

But we forget how we used to see people who had other differences,

No zaboravljamo kako smo gledali osobe s drugim razlikama,

how we used to see people who were disabled,

kako smo gledali osobe s invaliditetom,

how inhuman we held people to be.

kako smo ih doživljavali nečovječnima.

And the change that's been accomplished there,

Na tu promjenu

which is almost equally radical,

koja je gotovo jednako radikalna,

is one that we pay not very much attention to.

gotovo uopće ne obraćamo pozornost.

Jedna od obitelji koju sam intervjuirao, Tom i Karen Robards,

One of the families I interviewed, Tom and Karen Robards,

su bili zatečeni kada im je, kao mladim i uspješnim njujorčanima,

were taken aback when, as young and successful New Yorkers,

their first child was diagnosed with Down syndrome.

prvom djetetu dijagnosticiran Downov sindrom.

They thought the educational opportunities for him were not what they should be,

Smatrali su da obrazovne mogućnosti za njega nisu kakve bi trebale biti.

and so they decided they would build a little center --

Stoga su odlučili izgraditi mali centar -

two classrooms that they started with a few other parents --

dvije učionice koje su pokrenuli s još nekoliko roditelja --

to educate kids with DS.

za obrazovanje djece s Downovim sindromom.

And over the years, that center grew into something called the Cooke Center,

Kroz godine taj centar je izrastao u Centar Cooke

where there are now thousands upon thousands of children

u kojem se obrazuje na tisuće djece

s intelektualnim poteškoćama.

with intellectual disabilities

who are being taught.

In the time since that "Atlantic Monthly" story ran,

Od objave članka u Atlantic Monhtleyju

the life expectancy for people with Down syndrome has tripled.

životni vijek osoba s Downom se utrostručio.

Osobe s Downovim sindromom postaju glumci, pisci,

The experience of Down syndrome people includes those who are actors,

those who are writers, some who are able to live fully independently in adulthood.

a neki od njih su potpuno samostalni u odrasloj dobi.

The Robards had a lot to do with that.

Robardovi su prilično zaslužni za to.

And I said, "Do you regret it?

Pitao sam ih: "Žalite li zbog toga?

Do you wish your child didn't have Down syndrome?

Biste li željeli da vaše dijete nema Down?

Do you wish you'd never heard of it?"

Biste li željeli da nikad niste čuli za Down?"

Otac je imao zanimljiv odgovor:

And interestingly, his father said,

"Well, for David, our son, I regret it,

"Žalim zbog našeg sina Davida

jer mu to otežava život

because for David, it's a difficult way to be in the world,

and I'd like to give David an easier life.

i volio bih mu pružiti lakši život.

But I think if we lost everyone with Down syndrome,

No mislim da bi gubitak svih osoba s Downom bio katastrofalan gubitak.

it would be a catastrophic loss."

And Karen Robards said to me, "I'm with Tom.

Karen Robards mi je rekla: "Slažem se s Tomom.

For David, I would cure it in an instant, to give him an easier life.

Izliječila bih ga odmah da mu pružim lakši život.

But speaking for myself --

Govoreći u svoje ime, ne bih nikad povjerovala, kada se rodio prije 23 godine,

well, I would never have believed 23 years ago when he was born

da ću doći do te točke.

that I could come to such a point.

Govoreći u svoje ime, postala sam bolja i ljubaznija osoba

Speaking for myself, it's made me so much better and so much kinder

and so much more purposeful in my whole life that, speaking for myself,

i moj život je toliko svrhovitiji

da to, govoreći u svoje ime, ne bih mijenjala nizašto."

I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world."

Živimo u vremenu kada je društveno prihvaćanje ovog i mnogih drugih stanja

We live at a point when social acceptance for these and many other conditions

is on the up and up.

u konstantnom porastu.

No također živimo u vremenu

And yet we also live at the moment

kada su naše mogućnosti uklanjanja takvih stanja

when our ability to eliminate those conditions

has reached a height we never imagined before.

dosegle nezamislive razine.

Most deaf infants born in the United States now

Većina američke novorođenčadi

will receive cochlear implants,

će dobiti umjetne pužnice

which are put into the brain and connected to a receiver,

koje se usađuju u mozak i povezuju s prijamnikom

and which allow them to acquire a facsimile of hearing

koji im omogućava da čuju i koriste govor.

and to use oral speech.

A compound that has been tested in mice, BMN-111,

Kemijski spoj BMN-111 koji je testiran na miševima

is useful in preventing the action of the achondroplasia gene.

je koristan u prevenciji djelovanja gena za ahondroplaziju.

Achondroplasia is the most common form of dwarfism,

Ahonroplazija ja najčešći oblik poremećaja patuljastog rasta.

and mice who have been given that substance

Miševi koji su primili taj spoj i koji imaju gen za ahondroplaziju

and who have the achondroplasia gene

grow to full size.

narastu do pune veličine.

Testing in humans is around the corner.

Na korak smo do testiranja na ljudima.

There are blood tests which are making progress

Razvijaju se testovi krvi

koji će prepoznati Downov sindrom u trudnoći ranije i jasnije nego ikada do sada

that would pick up Down syndrome more clearly and earlier in pregnancies

than ever before,

making it easier and easier for people to eliminate those pregnancies,

te će biti sve lakše eliminirati ili okončati

or to terminate them.

takve trudnoće.

So we have both social progress and medical progress.

Uočavamo i društveni i medicinski napredak

And I believe in both of them.

i vjerujem u oba.

I believe the social progress is fantastic and meaningful and wonderful,

Vjerujem da je društveni napredak izvanredan, značajan i predivan,

and I think the same thing about the medical progress.

a isto mislim i za medicinski napredak.

But I think it's a tragedy when one of them doesn't see the other.

No mislim da je tragedija kada se međusobno ne uočavaju.

Kada vidim kako se presijecaju

And when I see the way they're intersecting

u uvjetima poput ovih koje sam opisao,

in conditions like the three I've just described,

I sometimes think it's like those moments in grand opera

ponekad pomislim da je to kao kad u operi

junak shvati da voli junakinju

when the hero realizes he loves the heroine

at the exact moment that she lies expiring on a divan.

točno kada ona leži izdišući na sofi.

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

Moramo promisliti općenito o našim stavovima prema lijekovima.

We have to think about how we feel about cures altogether.

And a lot of the time the question of parenthood is:

Često se u roditeljstvu postavlja pitanje

What do we validate in our children,

što uvažavamo kod naše djece,

and what do we cure in them?

a što želimo izliječiti?

Jim Sinclair, a prominent autism activist, said,

Istaknuti aktivist za autizam, Jim Sinclair, je rekao:

"When parents say, 'I wish my child did not have autism,'

"Kada roditelji kažu 'volio bih da moje dijete nema autizam',

zapravo govore 'volio bih da dijete koje imam ne postoji

what they're really saying is, 'I wish the child I have did not exist

and I had a different, nonautistic child instead.'

i da imam drugačije, ne-autistično dijete umjesto ovog.'

Read that again. This is what we hear when you mourn over our existence.

Razmislite o tome. To čujemo kada oplakujete naše postojanje.

This is what we hear when you pray for a cure:

To čujemo kada se molite za lijek --

da je vaša najveća želja za nas

that your fondest wish for us is that someday we will cease to be,

da jedan dan prestanemo postojati

and strangers you can love will move in behind our faces."

i da se stranci koje ćete voljeti usele iza naših lica."

Ovo je vrlo ekstremno gledište,

It's a very extreme point of view,

but it points to the reality that people engage with the life they have

no ukazuje na stvarnost u kojoj se ljudi nose sa životom koji imaju

i ne žele biti izliječeni, promijenjeni ili eliminirani.

and they don't want to be cured or changed or eliminated.

They want to be whoever it is that they've come to be.

Žele biti osobe kojima su postale.

Jedna od obitelji koju sam intervjuirao za ovaj projekt

One of the families I interviewed for this project

was the family of Dylan Klebold,

je bila obitelj Dylana Klebolda, jednog od počinitelja masakra u Columbineu.

who was one of the perpetrators of the Columbine massacre.

Trebalo mi je dosta vremena da ih nagovorim da razgovaraju sa mnom.

It took a long time to persuade them to talk to me,

and once they agreed, they were so full of their story

Kada su konačno pristali imali su toliko za reći

that they couldn't stop telling it,

da se nisu mogli zaustaviti.

U prvom od mnogih vikenda koje sam proveo s njima,

and the first weekend I spent with them, the first of many,

I recorded more than 20 hours of conversation.

snimio sam više od 20 sati razgovora.

And on Sunday night, we were all exhausted.

U nedjelju navečer smo svi bili iscrpljeni.

We were sitting in the kitchen. Sue Klebold was fixing dinner.

Sjedili smo u kuhinji. Sue Klebold je pripremala večeru.

Rekao sam: "Da je Dylan sada ovdje,

And I said, "If Dylan were here now,

do you have a sense of what you'd want to ask him?"

imate li ideju što biste ga pitali?"

And his father said, "I sure do.

Njegov otac je odgovorio: "Naravno da imam.

I'd want to ask him what the hell he thought he was doing."

Pitao bih ga kog vraga je mislio da radi."

And Sue looked at the floor, and she thought for a minute.

Sue je pogledala u pod i malo razmislila.

Digla je pogled i rekla:

And then she looked back up and said,

"Pitala bih ga da mi oprosti što sam mu bila majka

"I would ask him to forgive me for being his mother

i što nisam znala što se zbiva u njegovoj glavi."

and never knowing what was going on inside his head."

When I had dinner with her a couple of years later --

Kada sam nakon par godina s njom jeo večeru --

one of many dinners that we had together --

jednu od naših mnogih večera --

she said, "You know, when it first happened,

rekla je: "Kada se to tek dogodilo,

I used to wish that I had never married, that I had never had children.

priželjkivala sam da se nikad nisam udala, da nikad nisam imala djecu.

If I hadn't gone to Ohio State and crossed paths with Tom,

Da nisam otišla u Ohio i susrela Toma,

ovo dijete ne bi postojalo i ova užasna stvar se ne bi nikad dogodila.

this child wouldn't have existed,

and this terrible thing wouldn't have happened.

No s vremenom sam počela osjećati da toliko volim djecu koju sam dobila

But I've come to feel that I love the children I had so much

that I don't want to imagine a life without them.

da ne želim zamisliti život bez njih.

I recognize the pain they caused to others,

Uviđam da za bol koju su nanijeli drugima nema oprosta,

for which there can be no forgiveness,

but the pain they caused to me, there is," she said.

no za bol koju su nanijeli meni, ima.

Iako uviđam da bi za svijet bilo bolje

"So while I recognize that it would have been better for the world

if Dylan had never been born,

da se Dylan nikad nije rodio,

I've decided that it would not have been better for me."

odlučila sam da to ne bi bilo bolje za mene."

Pomislio sam kako je iznenađujuće da sve obitelji s djecom sa svim tim problemima,

I thought it was surprising

how all of these families had all of these children

with all of these problems,

problems that they mostly would have done anything to avoid,

problemima za koje bi učinili sve da ih izbjegnu,

and that they had all found so much meaning in that experience of parenting.

su pronašli toliko smisla u roditeljstvu.

Zatim sam pomislio, svi mi koji imamo djecu

And then I thought, all of us who have children

love the children we have, with their flaws.

volimo tu djecu zajedno s njihovim manama.

Da se blistavi anđeo iznenada spusti kroz strop moje dnevne sobe

If some glorious angel suddenly descended through my living-room ceiling

and offered to take away the children I have

i ponudi mi da će djecu koju imam

and give me other, better children --

zamijeniti drugom, boljom djecom - pristojnijom, ljubaznijom, pametnijom

more polite, funnier, nicer, smarter --

(Laughter)

čvrsto bih zgrabio djecu koju imam i molio da taj strahoviti prizor nestane.

I would cling to the children I have and pray away that atrocious spectacle.

U konačnici osjećam

And ultimately,

I feel that in the same way that we test flame-retardant pajamas in an inferno

da na isti način testiramo pidžame otporne na vatru

to ensure they won't catch fire when our child reaches across the stove,

kako bi osigurali da se neće zapaliti kada naše dijete posegne preko štednjaka,

so these stories of families negotiating these extreme differences

tako i ove priče o obiteljima koje savlađuju ekstremne razlike

reflect on the universal experience of parenting,

odražavaju univerzalno iskustvo roditeljstva,

which is always that sometimes, you look at your child, and you think,

a to je da ponekad pogledate svoje dijete i pomislite:

otkud si ti došao?

"Where did you come from?"

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

It turns out that while each of these individual differences is siloed --

Ispostavlja se da, iako je svaka od ovih individualnih razlika zasebna --

there are only so many families dealing with schizophrenia,

postoji određeni broj obitelji koje se nose sa shizofrenijom,

only so many families of children who are transgender,

samo određeni broj obitelji čija su djeca transrodna,

samo određeni broj obitelji s iznimno nadarenom djecom --

only so many families of prodigies --

who also face similar challenges in many ways --

koji se suočavaju sa sličnim izazovima --

there are only so many families in each of those categories.

postoji samo određeni broj obitelji u svakoj od ovih kategorija --

no ako počnete razmišljati

But if you start to think

that the experience of negotiating difference within your family

da je iskustvo savlađivanja razlika unutar vaše obitelji

ono što ljudi pokušavaju riješiti,

is what people are addressing,

tada shvatite da se radi o gotovo univerzalnom fenomenu.

then you discover that it's a nearly universal phenomenon.

Ironically, it turns out,

Ironično, ispostavlja se da su upravo razlike i naše savlađivanje razlika

that it's our differences and our negotiation of difference

ono što nas ujedinjuje.

that unite us.

I decided to have children while I was working on this project.

Odlučio sam imati djecu dok sam radio na ovom projektu.

And many people were astonished and said,

Mnogi su bili zaprepašteni i govorili su:

"But how can you decide to have children

"Kako možeš odlučiti imati djecu

usred istraživanja što sve može poći po zlu?"

in the midst of studying everything that can go wrong?"

And I said, "I'm not studying everything that can go wrong.

Odgovorio sam: "Ne istražujem što sve može poći po zlu.

What I'm studying is how much love there can be,

Istražujem koliko ljubavi može postojati

even when everything appears to be going wrong."

čak i kad se čini da sve ide po zlu."

I thought a lot about the mother of one disabled child I had seen,

Puno sam razmišljao o majci jednog djeteta s poteškoćama,

djeteta s ozbiljnim invaliditetom koje je umrlo zbog njegovateljeva zanemarivanja.

a severely disabled child who died through caregiver neglect.

And when his ashes were interred, his mother said,

Kada su ga sahranili, njegova majka je rekla:

"Molim za oprost jer mi je dvaput oduzeto,

"I pray here for forgiveness for having been twice robbed:

once of the child I wanted,

jednom dijete koje sam željela i jednom sin kojeg sam voljela."

and once of the son I loved."

And I figured it was possible, then, for anyone to love any child,

Tada sam shvatio da svatko može voljeti dijete

if they had the effective will to do so.

ako imaju stvarnu želju.

Moj suprug je biološki otac dvoje djece

So, my husband is the biological father of two children

with some lesbian friends in Minneapolis.

prijateljica lezbijki iz Minneapolisa.

Imam blisku prijateljicu s fakulteta koja se razvela, a htjela je imati djecu

I had a close friend from college who'd gone through a divorce

and wanted to have children.

And so she and I have a daughter,

pa s njom imam kćer

and mother and daughter live in Texas.

i njih dvije žive u Texasu.

And my husband and I have a son who lives with us all the time,

Moj suprug i ja imamo sina koji živi s nama

of whom I am the biological father,

čiji sam ja biološki otac,

a surogat majka je Laura,

and our surrogate for the pregnancy was Laura,

the lesbian mother of Oliver and Lucy in Minneapolis.

lezbijska majka Olivera i Lucy iz Minneapolisa.

(Laughter)

(Pljesak)

So --

(Applause)

Ukratko, pet roditelja, četvero djece, tri države.

The shorthand is: five parents of four children in three states.

(Laughter)

And there are people who think that the existence of my family

Postoje ljudi koji misle da postojanje moje obitelji

somehow undermines or weakens or damages their family.

nekako potkopava, oslabljuje ili oštećuje njihovu obitelj.

And there are people who think that families like mine

Postoje ljudi koji misle da obitelji poput moje

shouldn't be allowed to exist.

ne bi smjele postojati.

And I don't accept subtractive models of love,

Ja ne prihvaćam oduzimajuće modele ljubavi, već samo dodajuće.

only additive ones.

And I believe that in the same way that we need species diversity

Vjerujem da kao što je potrebna raznolikost vrsta

to ensure that the planet can go on,

da bi se osigurao opstanak planete,

isto tako je potrebna raznolikost ljubavi i raznolikost obitelji

so we need this diversity of affection and diversity of family

in order to strengthen the ecosphere of kindness.

kako bi ojačala ekosfera dobrote.

Dan nakon što nam se rodio sin,

The day after our son was born,

the pediatrician came into the hospital room

pedijatrica je došla u bolničku sobu i rekla da je zabrinuta.

and said she was concerned.

He wasn't extending his legs appropriately.

Nije pružao noge kako treba.

Rekla je da to možda znači da ima oštećenje mozga.

She said that might mean that he had brain damage.

Insofar as he was extending them, he was doing so asymmetrically,

Noge je pružao asimetrično

which she thought could mean that there was a tumor of some kind in action.

te je ona mislila da to može značiti da ima neku vrst tumora.

Također je imao veliku glavu i mislila da to ukazuje na hidrocefalus.

And he had a very large head,

which she thought might indicate hydrocephalus.

And as she told me all of these things,

Dok mi je govorila sve te stvari,

I felt the very center of my being pouring out onto the floor.

osjetio sam kako mi utroba tone.

And I thought, "Here I had been working for years

Pomislio sam kako godinama radim

on a book about how much meaning people had found

na knjizi o tome koliko su smisla ljudi našli

in the experience of parenting children who were disabled,

u iskustvu podizanja djece s poteškoćama,

ali ja im se nisam želio pridružiti.

and I didn't want to join their number

because what I was encountering was an idea of illness."

Ono s čime sam se suočavao je bila ideja bolesti.

And like all parents since the dawn of time,

I kao i svi roditelji otkad je svijeta,

želio sam zaštititi svoje dijete od bolesti.

I wanted to protect my child from illness.

Želio sam zaštititi i sebe od bolesti.

And I wanted, also, to protect myself from illness.

And yet, I knew from the work I had done

Ipak sam znao iz rada kojim sam se bavio

da bude li imao ijednu od stvari za koje su ga krenuli testirati,

that if he had any of the things we were about to start testing for,

one će u konačnici biti njegov identitet

that those would ultimately be his identity,

i ako budu njegov identitet postat će i moj

and if they were his identity, they would become my identity,

that that illness was going to take a very different shape as it unfolded.

te će ta bolest poprimiti drugačiji oblik kako vrijeme bude prolazilo.

We took him to the MRI machine, we took him to the CAT scanner,

Odveli smo ga na magnetsku rezonancu i CT,

we took this day-old child and gave him over for an arterial blood draw.

djete staro jedan dan smo odveli na vađenje krvi.

Osjećali smo se bespomoćno.

We felt helpless.

And at the end of five hours,

Pet sati kasnije

rekli su da mu je mozak potpuno čist

they said that his brain was completely clear

and that he was by then extending his legs correctly.

i da je počeo pružati noge kako treba.

And when I asked the pediatrician what had been going on,

Kada sam upitao pedijatricu što je bilo,

she said she thought in the morning, he had probably had a cramp.

rekla mi je da je vjerojatno imao grč u nozi.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

But I thought --

Pomislio sam kako mi je majka bila u pravu.

(Laughter)

I thought how my mother was right.

I thought, "The love you have for your children

Pomislio sam kako ljubav prema svom djetetu

is unlike any other feeling in the world.

nije usporediva s nijednim drugim osjećajem

And until you have children, you don't know what it feels like.

i dok nemate djecu, ne znate kako je to.

Mislim da su me djeca uhvatila u zamku

I think children had ensnared me

the moment I connected fatherhood with loss.

onaj trenutak kad sam povezao očinstvo s gubitkom.

No nisam siguran da bih to primjetio

But I'm not sure I would have noticed that

da nisam bio usred svog istraživačkog projekta.

if I hadn't been so in the thick of this research project of mine.

I'd encountered so much strange love,

Susreo sam toliko neobične ljubavi

and I fell very naturally into its bewitching patterns.

te sam se prirodno uklopio u njen očaravajući obrazac.

And I saw how splendor can illuminate even the most abject vulnerabilities.

Vidio sam kako sjaj može osvijetliti čak i najbijednije ranjivosti.

During these 10 years, I had witnessed and learned

Tijekom tih deset godina svjedočio sam i učio

o zastrašujućoj radosti nepodnošljive odgovornosti

the terrifying joy of unbearable responsibility,

te sam spoznao kako pobjeđuje sve ostalo.

and I had come to see how it conquers everything else.

Iako sam ponekad mislio da su roditelji koje sam intervjuirao budale

And while I had sometimes thought the parents I was interviewing were fools,

koje su se osudile na doživotno putovanje s nezahvalnom djecom

enslaving themselves to a lifetime's journey with their thankless children

i koje pokušavaju izroditi identitet iz jada,

and trying to breed identity out of misery,

shvatio sam da mi je moje istraživanje izgradilo most

I realized that day that my research had built me a plank

te da sam bio spreman pridružiti im se na njihovom putovanju.

and that I was ready to join them on their ship.

Hvala vam.

Thank you.

(Pljesak)

(Applause and cheers)

Thank you.