Love, no matter what | Andrew Solomon

Translator: Timothy Covell Reviewer: Morton Bast

Translator: Begoña Laka Reviewer: Jone Aliri Lazcano

"Even in purely nonreligious terms,

"Erlijioz kanpoko ikuspuntutik ere,

homosexualitatea sexu-gaitasunaren erabilera okerra da.

homosexuality represents a misuse of the sexual faculty.

It is a pathetic little second-rate substitute for reality --

Errealitatearen bigarren mailako ordezko penagarria da --

a pitiable flight from life.

bizitzatik ihesa negargarria.

Beraz, ez du merezi inolako errukirik, ,

As such, it deserves no compassion,

it deserves no treatment as minority martyrdom,

ez du merezi tratatzea

gutxiengo martirizatu gisa,

eta gaixotasun kaltegarritzat jotzea baino ez du merezi."

and it deserves not to be deemed anything but a pernicious sickness."

That's from "Time" magazine in 1966, when I was three years old.

Hau Time Magazinen agertu zen 1966an, nik 3 urte nituenean.

Eta iaz, AEBtako presidenteak

And last year, the president of the United States

came out in favor of gay marriage.

gayen arteko ezkontzen alde azaldu zen.

(Applause)

(Txaloak)

Nire galdera da, nola joan gara handik hona?

And my question is:

How did we get from there to here?

How did an illness become an identity?

Nola bihurtu da gaixotasun bat identitate?

When I was perhaps six years old,

Sei urte inguru nituenean,

I went to a shoe store with my mother and my brother.

Zapata denda batera joan nintzen ama eta anaiarekin.

And at the end of buying our shoes,

Zapatak erosten amaitu genuenean,

the salesman said to us that we could each have a balloon to take home.

saltzaileak esan zigun puxika bat aukeratzeko etxera eramateko.

My brother wanted a red balloon,

Anaiak puxika gorria nahi zuen, eta nik puxika arrosa.

and I wanted a pink balloon.

Amak esan zuen nik puxika urdina nahiago izango nuela.

My mother said that she thought I'd really rather have a blue balloon.

(Laughter)

Baina nik esan nion puxika arrosa nahi nuela benetan.

But I said that I definitely wanted the pink one.

Berak gogorarazi zidan nire kolore gustukoena urdina zela.

And she reminded me that my favorite color was blue.

The fact that my favorite color now is blue, but I'm still gay --

Gauza da orain nire kolore gustukoena urdina dela, baina gay naiz oraindik --

(Laughter)

(Barreak) --

is evidence of both my mother's influence

eta horrek erakusten ditu amaren eragina eta bere mugak.

and its limits.

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

(Applause)

(Txaloak)

When I was little, my mother used to say,

Txikia nintzenean, amak esaten zuen,

"The love you have for your children is like no other feeling in the world.

"Umeenganako maitasunak ez du pareko sentimendurik munduan.

Eta umeak dituzunera arte, ez dakizu nolakoa den."

And until you have children, you don't know what it's like."

Eta txikia nintzenean, munduko laudorio hoberena zen

And when I was little, I took it as the greatest compliment in the world

that she would say that about parenting my brother and me.

amak hori esatea ni eta anaiaren guraso izateari buruz.

And when I was an adolescent, I thought, "But I'm gay,

Eta nerabe nintzenean, uste nuen

gay nintzela, beraz, ezin izango nuela familiarik izan.

and so I probably can't have a family."

And when she said it, it made me anxious.

Eta berak hau zionean, kezkatu egiten nintzen.

And after I came out of the closet,

Eta armairutik irten nintzenean,

berak hori esaten jarraitzeak haserrarazten ninduen.

when she continued to say it, it made me furious.

I said, "I'm gay. That's not the direction that I'm headed in.

Esan nuen: "Gay naiz. Hori ez da nire jarraibidea.

And I want you to stop saying that."

Eta hori esateari uztea nahi dut."

About 20 years ago,

Direla 20 bat urte, The New York Times Magazineko editoreek eskatu zidaten

I was asked by my editors at the "New York Times Magazine"

to write a piece about Deaf culture.

gorren kulturari buruzko artikulua idazteko.

And I was rather taken aback.

Guztiz txundituta geratu nintzen.

I had thought of deafness entirely as an illness:

Gortasuna niretzako gaixotasun bat zen.

those poor people, they couldn't hear,

Gizajo horiek ezin zuten entzun.

they lacked hearing, and what could we do for them?

Ezin zuten entzun, eta zer egin genezaken euren alde?

And then I went out into the Deaf world.

Eta gorren munduan murgildu nintzen.

I went to Deaf clubs.

Gorren klubetara joan nintzen.

I saw performances of Deaf theater and of Deaf poetry.

Gorren antzerki eta poesia saioak ikusi nituen.

Baita Nashvillen, Tennesseen, izan zen miss Amerika gorra lehiaketara ere

I even went to the Miss Deaf America contest in Nashville, Tennessee,

where people complained about that slurry Southern signing.

non jendea hegoaldeko kutsudun zeinu-hizkuntzari buruz kexatzen zen.

(Barreak)

(Laughter)

Eta gor-munduan sakon murgiltzen nintzen bitartean,

And as I plunged deeper and deeper into the Deaf world,

gortasuna kultura bat zela konbentzitu nintzen

I became convinced that Deafness was a culture

eta gorren munduko kideek, hau esaten zutena:

and that the people in the Deaf world who said,

"We don't lack hearing; we have membership in a culture,"

"Ez zaigu entzutea falta, kultura baten kideak gara",

were saying something that was viable.

gauza bideragarria adierazten zutela.

It wasn't my culture,

Ez zen nire kultura,

and I didn't particularly want to rush off and join it,

eta ez nuen gogo handirik bertan izena emateko,

but I appreciated that it was a culture

baina kultura bat zelaz ohartu nintzen

and that for the people who were members of it,

eta bertako kideentzat,

it felt as valuable as Latino culture or gay culture or Jewish culture.

kultura latino, gay edo judua bezain baliotsua.

It felt as valid, perhaps, even as American culture.

Amerikar kultura bezain baliotsua behar bada ere.

Then a friend of a friend of mine had a daughter who was a dwarf.

Orduan, lagun baten lagunak alaba bat izan zuen, nanoa zena.

Bere alaba jaio zenean,

And when her daughter was born,

she suddenly found herself confronting questions

bere burua zenbait arazoen aurre ikusten zuen

nigan oihartzuna izaten hasi zena.

that now began to seem quite resonant to me.

She was facing the question of what to do with this child.

Arazoa zen ume honekin zer egin behar zuen.

Should she say, "You're just like everyone else but a little bit shorter?"

Esan beharko luke: "Beste edonor bezalakoa zara, baina txikiagoa?”

Edo nano identitate bat sortzen saiatuko beharko litzateke,

Or should she try to construct some kind of dwarf identity,

get involved in the Little People of America,

Ameriketako Jende Txikiak elkartean sartu,

become aware of what was happening for dwarfs?

nanoei gertatzen zaienaz ikasi?

And I suddenly thought,

Bat-batean bururatu zitzaidan,

ume gor gehienak entzuten duten gurasoengandik jaiotzen direla.

"Most deaf children are born to hearing parents.

Those hearing parents tend to try to cure them.

Entzuten duten gurasoek umea sendatzen saiatzen dira.

Those deaf people discover community somehow in adolescence.

Lagun gor horiek nerabezaroan aurkitzen dute komunitateren bat.

Most gay people are born to straight parents.

Lagun gay gehienak guraso heterosexualengandik jaiotzen dira.

Those straight parents often want them to function

Guraso horiek askotan nahi izaten dute

umea funtzionatzea korronte nagusia dena uste dutenaren arabera,

in what they think of as the mainstream world,

and those gay people have to discover identity later on.

eta lagun gay horiek identitatea beranduago deskubritu behar dute.

And here was this friend of mine,

Eta hona hemen nire lagun hura

looking at these questions of identity with her dwarf daughter.

identitateari inguruko arazoei so bere alaba nanoarekin.

Eta pentsatu nuen: hemen dago berriz.

And I thought, "There it is again:

a family that perceives itself to be normal

Bere burua normaltzat jotzen duen familia bat

with a child who seems to be extraordinary."

ezohizkoa dirudien ume batekin.

And I hatched the idea that there are really two kinds of identity.

Eta ideia hau errun nuen, identitate bi daudela egiaz.

There are vertical identities,

Badira identitate bertikalak,

gurasoengandik umeengana doazenak.

which are passed down generationally from parent to child.

Hor dira etnia, nazionalitatea askotan, hizkuntza, erlijioa maiz.

Those are things like ethnicity,

frequently nationality, language, often religion.

Those are things you have in common with your parents and with your children.

Horiek dira guraso eta seme-alabengan bat datozen gauzak.

And while some of them can be difficult,

Eta batzuk zailak badira ere,

there's no attempt to cure them.

inor ez da haiek osatzen saiatzen.

You can argue that it's harder in the United States --

Esan dezakezu AEBtan zailagoa dela --

our current presidency notwithstanding --

gure oraingo presidentea gorabehera --

pertsona beltza izatea.

to be a person of color.

And yet, we have nobody who is trying to ensure

Eta jada, inor ez da saiatzen ari

that the next generation of children born to African-Americans and Asians

Ameriketan jatorri afrikar edo asiarreko jaioko den hurrengo belaunaldia

come out with creamy skin and yellow hair.

ile horia eta azal argia izateko.

Badira beste zenbait identitate taldeko kideengandik ikasi behar dituzunak.

There are these other identities which you have to learn from a peer group,

Nik identitate horizontalak deritzet,

and I call them "horizontal identities,"

because the peer group is the horizontal experience.

kideen taldea esperientzia horizontala delako.

These are identities that are alien to your parents

Identitate hauek arrotzak dira gurasoentzako

and that you have to discover when you get to see them in peers.

eta kideengan ikustean deskubritu behar dira.

Identitate horizontal horiek,

And those identities, those horizontal identities,

jendea beti saiatu da horiek sendatzen.

people have almost always tried to cure.

Prozesu hori aztertu nahi nuen,

And I wanted to look at what the process is

through which people who have those identities

identitate hori dutenek

come to a good relationship with them.

berarekin harreman onak izatera nola heltzen diren.

And it seemed to me that there were three levels of acceptance

Iruditu zitzaidan hiru onarpen maila zeudela

that needed to take place.

gertatu behar zirenak.

Badago norberaren onarpena, familiarena eta gizartearena.

There's self-acceptance, there's family acceptance, and there's social acceptance.

And they don't always coincide.

Eta ez dira beti aldi berean gertatzen.

And a lot of the time, people who have these conditions are very angry,

Askotan, ezaugarri hauek dutenek oso haserre daude

because they feel as though their parents don't love them,

gurasoek ez dituztela maite sentitzen dutelako,

egiaz gertatzen dena gurasoek ez dituztela onartzen izan arren.

when what actually has happened is that their parents don't accept them.

Amodioa, inolako baldintzarik gabekoa izan beharko litzateke

Love is something that, ideally, is there unconditionally

throughout the relationship between a parent and a child.

guraso eta seme-alaben harremanetan.

But acceptance is something that takes time.

Baina onarpenak denbora behar du.

It always takes time.

Beti behar du denbora.

Ezagutu nuen nanoetako bat Clinton Brown zeritzon.

One of the dwarfs I got to know was a guy named Clinton Brown.

When he was born, he was diagnosed with diastrophic dwarfism,

Jaiotzean nanismo diastrofikoa diagnostikatu zioten,

gaixotasun oso larria,

a very disabling condition,

and his parents were told that he would never walk,

Eta gurasoei esan zieten ezin izango zuela inoiz ibili, hitz egin,

he would never talk,

he would have no intellectual capacity,

adimen gutxi izango zuela,

and he would probably not even recognize them.

gurasoak ere ez zituela ezagutuko.

And it was suggested to them that they leave him at the hospital

Iradoki zieten umea ospitalean uzteko

so that he could die there quietly.

bertan lasai hil zedin.

His mother said she wasn't going to do it,

Amak esan zuen ez zuela horrelakorik egingo.

and she took her son home.

Eta umea etxera eraman zuen.

And even though she didn't have a lot of educational or financial advantages,

Eta hezkuntza edo diruzko baliabide asko ez bazuen ere,

estatuko doktorerik hoberena aurkitu zuen

she found the best doctor in the country for dealing with diastrophic dwarfism,

nanismo diastrofikoa tratatzeko,

and she got Clinton enrolled with him.

eta medikuak Clinton zaintzea lortu zuen.

And in the course of his childhood,

Eta haurtzaroan zehar,

he had 30 major surgical procedures.

30 ebakuntza garrantzitsu egin zioten.

And he spent all this time stuck in the hospital

Denbora hura ospitalean sartuta eman zuen

while he was having those procedures,

ebakuntzak egiten zizkiotenean,

as a result of which, he now can walk.

eta ondorioz gaur ibiltzeko gai da.

While he was there, they sent tutors around to help him with his schoolwork,

Bertan zegoela, irakasleak bidali zizkioten eskola-lanarekin laguntzeko.

Gogor egin zuen lan ez baitzegoen beste zereginik.

and he worked very hard, because there was nothing else to do.

Eta lortu zuen maila bat,

He ended up achieving at a level

that had never before been contemplated by any member of his family.

beste seniderik inoiz lortu izan ez zuena.

He was the first one in his family, in fact, to go to college,

Bera izan zen bere familian unibertsitatera joan zen lehena,

where he lived on campus and drove a specially fitted car

kanpusean bizi zen eta egokitutako kotxea gidatzen zuen,

that accommodated his unusual body.

bere ezohizko gorputzari moldatutakoa.

And his mother told me the story of coming home one day --

Amak kontatu zidanez, behin etxera zetorrela --

and he went to college nearby --

auzoan zegoen unibertsitatea --

and she said, "I saw that car, which you can always recognize,

amak esan zidan: "Kotxe hura ikusi nuen, erraz ezagutzen dena,

in the parking lot of a bar," she said.

taberna baten aparkalekuan". (Barreak)

(Laughter)

"Nire buruari esan nion: haiek 1,80 m dute, berak 0.90m.

"And I thought to myself,

'They're six feet tall, he's three feet tall.

Two beers for them is four beers for him.'"

Haientzako 2 garagardo berarentzako 4 dira."

Esan zidan:"Banekien ezin nintzela sartu eta bera moztu,

She said, "I knew I couldn't go in there and interrupt him,

but I went home, and I left him eight messages on his cell phone."

baina etxera joan eta sakelakoan zortzi mezu utzi nizkion".

She said, "And then I thought,

Esan zuen: "Orduan pentsatu nuen

if someone had said to me, when he was born,

jaio zenean inork esan izan balit

that my future worry would be that he'd go drinking and driving

etorkizunean kezkatuko nintzela lagunekin edaten eta gidatzen ibiliko zela -- "

with his college buddies ..."

(Laughter)

(Txaloak)

(Applause)

And I said to her,

Esan nion: "Zer uste duzu egin zenuela

"What do you think you did that helped him to emerge

halako pertsona xarmant, oso, zoragarria izan dadin?

as this charming, accomplished, wonderful person?"

And she said, "What did I do?

Eta berak: "Zer egin dudan? Bera maitatu, hori baino ez.

I loved him, that's all.

Clintonek beti izan du bere baitan argi hura.

Clinton just always had that light in him.

Aita eta biok zoriontsuak gara hura ikusten lehenak garelako."

And his father and I were lucky enough to be the first to see it there."

I'm going to quote from another magazine of the '60s.

60 hamarkadako beste aldizkari bat aipatuko dut.

This one is from 1968 --

Hau 1968koa da, The Atlantic Monthly, Amerika liberalaren ahotsa,

"The Atlantic Monthly," voice of liberal America --

written by an important bioethicist.

bioetikan aditu batek idatzia.

He said, "There is no reason to feel guilty

Hau zioen: "Ez daukagu zertan errudun sentitu

about putting a Down's syndrome child away,

haur trisomiko bat baztertzeagatik,

bai erietxe baten ezkutatzen dugulako

whether it is 'put away' in the sense of hidden in a sanitarium

edo bai beste modu baten, arduratsuago eta hilgarriagoan.

or in a more responsible, lethal sense.

Penagarria da, bai, izugarria. Baina ez dakar errurik.

It is sad, yes. Dreadful.

But it carries no guilt.

Benetako errua pertsona bati egindako kaltetik dator,

True guilt arises only from an offense against a person,

eta haur trisomikoa ez da pertsona bat".

and a Down's is not a person."

There's been a lot of ink given to the enormous progress that we've made

Tinta asko gastatu da egin dugun aurrerapenari buruz

in the treatment of gay people.

gay direnak tratatzen ditugun eran.

The fact that our attitude has changed is in the headlines every day.

Gure jarrera aldatu dela egunero ikusten dugu egunkarietan.

But we forget how we used to see people who had other differences,

Baina beste motako ezberdintasundunak nola tratatzen genituen ahazten dugu,

how we used to see people who were disabled,

ezinduak nola ikusten genituen,

how inhuman we held people to be.

ez genituela gizakitzat jotzen.

And the change that's been accomplished there,

Eta hemen izan den aldaketa,

which is almost equally radical,

ia hain erradikala dena,

is one that we pay not very much attention to.

eta kontuan hartzen ez duguna.

Elkarrizketatu nuen familia bat, Tom and Karen Robards,

One of the families I interviewed, Tom and Karen Robards,

txundituta gelditu ziren, newyorktar gazte eta arrakastatsu zirelarik,

were taken aback when, as young and successful New Yorkers,

their first child was diagnosed with Down syndrome.

euren lehen umea Down sindromea zuela aurkitu zutenean.

They thought the educational opportunities for him were not what they should be,

Iruditzen zitzaien heziketa aukerak ez zirela izan beharrekoak,

and so they decided they would build a little center --

eta beraz ikastetxe txiki bat sortzea erabaki zuten,

two classrooms that they started with a few other parents --

gela bi, beste guraso gutxiekin martxan jarri zutena

to educate kids with DS.

haur trisomikoak hezteko.

And over the years, that center grew into something called the Cooke Center,

Urteekin ikastetxea hazi eta Cook Center izena hartu du,

where there are now thousands upon thousands of children

eta bertan orain milaka ume daude

adimen-ezgaitasunak izan eta hezkuntza jasotzen dutenak.

with intellectual disabilities

who are being taught.

In the time since that "Atlantic Monthly" story ran,

Atlantic Monthlyko artikulua irten zen egunetik,

the life expectancy for people with Down syndrome has tripled.

haur trisomikoen bizi-itxaropena hirukoiztu egin da.

Down sindromedunen esperientzian badaude aktoreak direnak,

The experience of Down syndrome people includes those who are actors,

those who are writers, some who are able to live fully independently in adulthood.

idazleak direnak, helduak direnean guztiz independente bizi daitekeenak.

The Robards had a lot to do with that.

Robards bikoteak horretan badu zerikusia.

And I said, "Do you regret it?

Esan nien: Damutzen al zarete?

Do you wish your child didn't have Down syndrome?

Gustatuko litzaizueke zuen umea trisomikoa ez izatea?

Do you wish you'd never heard of it?"

Horren berririk inoiz izan ez izatea?"

Aitaren erantzun bitxia hau izan zen:

And interestingly, his father said,

"Well, for David, our son, I regret it,

"Bai, David, semearengandik, pena ematen dit,

Davidek munduan duen bizimodua zaila baita,

because for David, it's a difficult way to be in the world,

and I'd like to give David an easier life.

eta Daviden bizitza erraztu nahiko nuke.

But I think if we lost everyone with Down syndrome,

Baina Down sindromedunak desagertuz gero, galera katastrofikoa litzateke.”

it would be a catastrophic loss."

And Karen Robards said to me, "I'm with Tom.

Eta Karen Robardsek esan zidan: Bat nator Tomekin.

For David, I would cure it in an instant, to give him an easier life.

Davidi dagokionez, bai sendatuko nuke bizitza hobeagoa emateko.

But speaking for myself --

Baina nitaz ari banaiz --, direla 23 urte, bera jaio zenean ez nuen inoiz sinistuko

well, I would never have believed 23 years ago when he was born

puntu honetara helduko nintzenik --

that I could come to such a point.

niri dagokidanez, hobea, gozoagoa egin nau

Speaking for myself, it's made me so much better and so much kinder

and so much more purposeful in my whole life that, speaking for myself,

eta nire bizitza esanguratsuago bihurtu du,

nik neuk ez nioke inoiz uko egingo."

I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world."

Garai honetan gaixotasun honen eta beste zenbaiten gizartearen onarpena

We live at a point when social acceptance for these and many other conditions

is on the up and up.

gora doa.

Baina bizi garen une honetan

And yet we also live at the moment

gaixotasun hauek ezabatzeko gure ahalmena

when our ability to eliminate those conditions

has reached a height we never imagined before.

inoiz uste izandako mailara heldu da.

Most deaf infants born in the United States now

Gaur AEBn gor jaiotzen diren ume gehienek

will receive cochlear implants,

koklea inplanteak jasoko dituzte,

which are put into the brain and connected to a receiver,

burmuinean jartzen direnak hargailu bati konektatuta,

and which allow them to acquire a facsimile of hearing

eta entzumen antzeko zerbait ematen diena eta hitza erabiltzeko gaitu.

and to use oral speech.

A compound that has been tested in mice, BMN-111,

Arratoiengan probatu den konposatu batek,BMN-111ak,

is useful in preventing the action of the achondroplasia gene.

akondroplasia-genearen eragina prebenitzeko balio du.

Achondroplasia is the most common form of dwarfism,

Akondroplasia da nanismoaren forma arruntena,

and mice who have been given that substance

eta konposatu hura jaso duten akondroplasiadun arratoiek

and who have the achondroplasia gene

grow to full size.

normal hazten dira.

Testing in humans is around the corner.

Laster egingo dituzte probak gizakiengan.

There are blood tests which are making progress

Odol-proba batzuk aurrerapena ekartzen ari dira,

haurdunaldian inoiz baino goizago Down sindromea detektatuko lukete

that would pick up Down syndrome more clearly and earlier in pregnancies

than ever before,

making it easier and easier for people to eliminate those pregnancies,

haurdunaldi horiek errazago ekiditea erraztuz,

or to terminate them.

edo haurdunaldia amaitzea.

So we have both social progress and medical progress.

Beraz gizarte eta medikuntza arlo bietan daude aurrerapenak.

And I believe in both of them.

Nik bietan sinesten dut.

I believe the social progress is fantastic and meaningful and wonderful,

Uste dut gizarte-aurrerapena bikaina, esanguratsua, zoragarria dela,

and I think the same thing about the medical progress.

eta berdin deritzot medikuntzaren aurrerapenari.

But I think it's a tragedy when one of them doesn't see the other.

Baina uste dut tragedia dela batak ez duenean bestea ikusten.

Eta nola gurutzatzen diren ikusten dudanean

And when I see the way they're intersecting

aipatu ditudan hiru gaixotasunetan bezala,

in conditions like the three I've just described,

I sometimes think it's like those moments in grand opera

batzuetan iruditzen zait operako une horiek bezalakoa dela,

gizon heroia ohartzen denean emakume heroia maite duela

when the hero realizes he loves the heroine

at the exact moment that she lies expiring on a divan.

emakumea dibanean etzanda hiltzen dagoen une berean.

(Barreak)

(Laughter)

Hausnartu beharko genuke sendaketez sentitzen dugunari buruz.

We have to think about how we feel about cures altogether.

And a lot of the time the question of parenthood is:

Askotan, guraso izatearen arazoa hau da:

What do we validate in our children,

zer da umeengan ontzat ematen duguna,

and what do we cure in them?

eta zer da sendatzen duguna?

Jim Sinclair, a prominent autism activist, said,

Jim Sinclairek, autismoaren aktibista famatuak, esan zuen:

"When parents say, 'I wish my child did not have autism,'

"Gurasoek diotenean: Gustatuko litzaidake nire haurrak autismorik ez izatea,

benetan diotena da:Gustatuko litzaidake umea existituko ez balitz

what they're really saying is, 'I wish the child I have did not exist

and I had a different, nonautistic child instead.'

eta beste ume bat, autista ez zena, izango banu.

Read that again. This is what we hear when you mourn over our existence.

Berriz irakurri. Hau da entzuten duguna gure existentziaz kexatzen zarenean.

This is what we hear when you pray for a cure:

Hau da entzuten duguna sendaketa eskatzen duzunean --

guretzako gehien nahi duzuena dela

that your fondest wish for us is that someday we will cease to be,

inoiz gehiago ez existitzea

and strangers you can love will move in behind our faces."

eta gure aurpegien atzean arrotz maitagarriak mugi daitezela”."

Muturreko ikuspuntua da,

It's a very extreme point of view,

but it points to the reality that people engage with the life they have

baina erakusten du jendeak jada duen bizitza bizi duela

eta ez dutela nahi inork sendatu, aldatu edo ezabatzea.

and they don't want to be cured or changed or eliminated.

They want to be whoever it is that they've come to be.

Existitu nahi dute, direnak direla.

Proiektu honetarako elkarrizketatutako familia bat

One of the families I interviewed for this project

was the family of Dylan Klebold,

Dylan Kleboldena izan zen, Columbineko sarraskiaren egileetako bat.

who was one of the perpetrators of the Columbine massacre.

Kostatu zitzaidan nirekin hitz egiteko konbentzitzea,

It took a long time to persuade them to talk to me,

and once they agreed, they were so full of their story

eta onartu zutenean, hain zuten istorioaz burua beteta

that they couldn't stop telling it,

ezin ziotela kontatzeari utzi.

Eurekin pasa nuen lehen asteburuan -- askoetatik lehena--

and the first weekend I spent with them, the first of many,

I recorded more than 20 hours of conversation.

20 ordu baino gehiagoko elkarrizketa grabatu nuen.

And on Sunday night, we were all exhausted.

Igande gauean, jota geunden denak.

We were sitting in the kitchen. Sue Klebold was fixing dinner.

Sukaldean geunden jezarrita. Sue Klebold afaria prestatzen ari zen.

Eta esan nuen: "Dylan hemen balego orain,

And I said, "If Dylan were here now,

do you have a sense of what you'd want to ask him?"

ba al dakizue zer galdetuko zenioketen?"

And his father said, "I sure do.

Eta aitak: “Noski baietz.

I'd want to ask him what the hell he thought he was doing."

Galdetuko nioke zer uste zuen ari zela egiten."

And Sue looked at the floor, and she thought for a minute.

Suek lurrera begiratu zuen, eta minutu batez pentsatzen egon zen.

Orduan, begirada altxatu eta esan zuen:

And then she looked back up and said,

"Bere ama izateagatik barkatzeko eskatuko nioke

"I would ask him to forgive me for being his mother

inoiz ez bainuen asmatu buruan zeukana."

and never knowing what was going on inside his head."

When I had dinner with her a couple of years later --

Urte pare bat geroago berarekin afaldu nuenean --

one of many dinners that we had together --

maiz izan genuen afarietako baten --

she said, "You know, when it first happened,

esan zidan: "Ba al dakizu, hura gertatu zenean,

I used to wish that I had never married, that I had never had children.

nahi izaten nuen inoiz ez ezkondu izana, umeak izan ez izana.

If I hadn't gone to Ohio State and crossed paths with Tom,

Ohiora joan eta Tom aurkitu izan ez banu,

ume hau ez zen existituko eta gauza ikaragarri hura ez zen gertatuko.

this child wouldn't have existed,

and this terrible thing wouldn't have happened.

Baina sentitzen dut izan ditudan umeak hainbeste maitatzen ditudala

But I've come to feel that I love the children I had so much

that I don't want to imagine a life without them.

ez dudala nahi eurak gabeko bizitzan pentsatu ere.

I recognize the pain they caused to others,

Ikusten dut besteei egin zieten mina, eta ez dago hori barkatzerik,

for which there can be no forgiveness,

but the pain they caused to me, there is," she said.

baina niri eragindako minak, badu barkamena" esan zuen.

"Beraz, nahiz eta ikusi munduarentzako hobea izango zela

"So while I recognize that it would have been better for the world

if Dylan had never been born,

Dylan jaio ez izana,

I've decided that it would not have been better for me."

erabaki dut niretzako hori ez zela hobea izango."

I thought it was surprising

Harrigarria zen familia hauek,arazo hauek dituzten ume hauek dituztenak,

how all of these families had all of these children

with all of these problems,

problems that they mostly would have done anything to avoid,

arazoa ez izateko gehienek edozer egingo luketen arazoak,

and that they had all found so much meaning in that experience of parenting.

eta zer nolako esangura aurkitu dioten guraso izateari ikustea.

Orduan pentsatu nuen, umeak ditugunok

And then I thought, all of us who have children

love the children we have, with their flaws.

gure umeak maite ditugu, euren akatsekin.

Aingeru zoragarri bat tupustean salako sabaitik bera baletor

If some glorious angel suddenly descended through my living-room ceiling

and offered to take away the children I have

eta eskainiko balit ditudan umeak eramatea

and give me other, better children --

beste hobeago batzuk emateko, finagoak, dibertigarriagoak, goxoagoak, azkarragoak,

more polite, funnier, nicer, smarter --

(Laughter)

umeak gogor heldu eta otoi egingo nuke ikuskizun anker hura desagertzeko.

I would cling to the children I have and pray away that atrocious spectacle.

Eta azkenean uste dut

And ultimately,

I feel that in the same way that we test flame-retardant pajamas in an inferno

suaren kontrako pijamak su-ontzian probatzen ditugun modu berean

to ensure they won't catch fire when our child reaches across the stove,

gure umea labera hurbiltzean ez dela erreko ziurtatzeko,

so these stories of families negotiating these extreme differences

desberdintasun itzel hauetara moldatzen diren familien istorio hauek

reflect on the universal experience of parenting,

gurasotasunaren esperientzia unibertsala islatzen dutela.

which is always that sometimes, you look at your child, and you think,

Batzuetan zure umeari begiratu eta bururatzen zaizu:

Nondik etorri ote haiz hi?

"Where did you come from?"

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

It turns out that while each of these individual differences is siloed --

Kontua da banakako desberdintasunak zatituta gordetzen diren bitartean --

there are only so many families dealing with schizophrenia,

familia kopuru mugatu batean dago eskizofrenia,

only so many families of children who are transgender,

familia kopuru mugatu batean daude ume-transgeneroak,

familia kopuru mugatu batean haur prodijioak --

only so many families of prodigies --

who also face similar challenges in many ways --

pareko erronkak dituzten familiak --

there are only so many families in each of those categories.

familia kopuru mugatu bat dago kategoria bakoitzean --

baina pentsatzen hasiz gero

But if you start to think

that the experience of negotiating difference within your family

familian desberdintasunei moldatzeko esperientzia

dela jendeak egin beharrekoa,

is what people are addressing,

orduan ikusten duzu arazo ia unibertsala dela.

then you discover that it's a nearly universal phenomenon.

Ironically, it turns out,

Ironikoki, gure desberdintasunak eta berak moldatzen dugun modua direla

that it's our differences and our negotiation of difference

that unite us.

bat egiten gaituena.

I decided to have children while I was working on this project.

Proiektu honetan ari nintzela erabaki nuen umeak izatea.

And many people were astonished and said,

Askok harrituta zioten:

"But how can you decide to have children

"Nola erabaki dezakezu umeak izatea

oker joan daitekeen guztia ikertzen duzun bitartean?"

in the midst of studying everything that can go wrong?"

And I said, "I'm not studying everything that can go wrong.

Esan nien:"Ez dut ikertzen oker joan daitekeena.

What I'm studying is how much love there can be,

Ikertzen ari naizena da zenbat maitasun egon daitekeen,

even when everything appears to be going wrong."

dena oker doala dirudienean ere."

I thought a lot about the mother of one disabled child I had seen,

Asko akordatzen nintzen haur ezindu baten amarekin,

haur larri ezindu bat zaindarien utzikeriarengatik hil zena.

a severely disabled child who died through caregiver neglect.

And when his ashes were interred, his mother said,

Errautsak lurperatu zituztenean, amak esan zuen:

"I pray here for forgiveness for having been twice robbed:

"Bi gauza lapurtu dizkidatelako barkamena eskatzeko egiten dut otoi,

once of the child I wanted,

lehena, desiratzen nuen haurra eta bigarrena, maite nuen semea."

and once of the son I loved."

And I figured it was possible, then, for anyone to love any child,

Ulertu nuen edonor edozein haur maitatzeko gai zela

if they had the effective will to do so.

horretarako borondatea izanez gero.

Nire senarra ume biren aita biologikoa da

So, my husband is the biological father of two children

with some lesbian friends in Minneapolis.

Minneapoliseko bi lagun lesbianekin izandakoak.

Eskolako nire lagun min bat dibortziatuta zegoen eta ume bat izan nahi zuen.

I had a close friend from college who'd gone through a divorce

and wanted to have children.

Beraz, gu biok alaba bat izan genuen,

And so she and I have a daughter,

and mother and daughter live in Texas.

eta ama eta alaba Texasen bizi dira.

And my husband and I have a son who lives with us all the time,

Senarra eta biok seme bat dugu gurekin bizi dena.

of whom I am the biological father,

Ni naiz aita biologikoa,

eta Laura izan zen haurdunaldia bizi zuena,

and our surrogate for the pregnancy was Laura,

the lesbian mother of Oliver and Lucy in Minneapolis.

Minneapolisen bizi diren Lucy eta Oliverren ama lesbiana.

(Laughter)

So --

(Txaloak)

(Applause)

Hau da, 5 guraso 3 estatuetan 4 umeentzako.

The shorthand is: five parents of four children in three states.

(Laughter)

And there are people who think that the existence of my family

Bada jendea uste duena nire familia existitzeak

somehow undermines or weakens or damages their family.

bere familia ahuldu edo kaltetzen duela nolabait.

And there are people who think that families like mine

Bada jendea uste duena nirea bezalako familiak

shouldn't be allowed to exist.

ez liratekeela baimenduta egon beharko.

And I don't accept subtractive models of love,

Eta ez dut maitasun eredu kentzailerik onartzen, gehitzaileak bakarrik.

only additive ones.

And I believe that in the same way that we need species diversity

Uste dut espezieen aniztasuna behar dugun eran

to ensure that the planet can go on,

planeta aurrera joango dela ziurtatzeko,

familia eta maitasun aniztasuna ere behar dugula

so we need this diversity of affection and diversity of family

in order to strengthen the ecosphere of kindness.

ontasunaren ekosfera indartzeko.

Gure umea jaio eta hurrengo egunean,

The day after our son was born,

the pediatrician came into the hospital room

pediatra ospitaleko gelan sartu eta kezkatuta zegoela esan zigun.

and said she was concerned.

He wasn't extending his legs appropriately.

Umeak ez zituen hankak ondo luzatzen.

Hori burmuineko kaltearen adierazgarri izan litzateke.

She said that might mean that he had brain damage.

Insofar as he was extending them, he was doing so asymmetrically,

Luzatzen zituenean, asimetrikoki egiten zuen,

which she thought could mean that there was a tumor of some kind in action.

eta bere ustez tumore baten eraginagatik izan litzateke.

Eta buru oso handia zuen, hidrozefalia adieraz zezakeena.

And he had a very large head,

which she thought might indicate hydrocephalus.

And as she told me all of these things,

Hau dena esan zidanean,

I felt the very center of my being pouring out onto the floor.

neure burua lurrean urtzen sentitu nuen.

And I thought, "Here I had been working for years

Pentsatu nuen; Hara, urtetan ibili naiz

on a book about how much meaning people had found

liburu bat idazten, jendeak zer gauza aurkitu dituen

in the experience of parenting children who were disabled,

ume ezinduen guraso izatean,

eta nik ez nuen euretako bat izan nahi.

and I didn't want to join their number

because what I was encountering was an idea of illness."

Aurkitzen nuena gaixotasunaren ideia bat zelako.

And like all parents since the dawn of time,

Eta betidanik guraso guztiek nahi izan duten bezala,

nire umea gaixotasunetik babestu nahi nuen.

I wanted to protect my child from illness.

Neure burua ere gaixotasunetik babestu nahi nuen.

And I wanted, also, to protect myself from illness.

And yet, I knew from the work I had done

Haatik, nire lanarengatik banekien

umeak izango balu frogen bidez bilatuko genituen gauzaren bat,

that if he had any of the things we were about to start testing for,

hura izango zela bere identitatea,

that those would ultimately be his identity,

eta bere identitatea bazen, nire identitatea ere izango zela,

and if they were his identity, they would become my identity,

that that illness was going to take a very different shape as it unfolded.

gaixotasuna forma desberdinak hartuko zituela hedatzean.

We took him to the MRI machine, we took him to the CAT scanner,

Erresonantzia makinara, OTA tomografiara eraman genuen,

we took this day-old child and gave him over for an arterial blood draw.

egun bateko umea hartu eta odol arteriala har ziezaioten eman genuen.

We felt helpless.

Babesgabe sentitzen ginen.

And at the end of five hours,

Bost orduren buruan,

esan zuten burmuina guztiz normala zuela

they said that his brain was completely clear

and that he was by then extending his legs correctly.

eta hankak ondo luzatzen zituela.

And when I asked the pediatrician what had been going on,

Eta pediatrari galdetu genionean zer gertatu zen,

she said she thought in the morning, he had probably had a cramp.

esan zigun goizekoa karranpak izango zirela.

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

But I thought --

Baina nik pentsatu nuen ene amak arrazoia zuela.

(Laughter)

I thought how my mother was right.

I thought, "The love you have for your children

Pentsatu nuen, umeenganako maitasuna

is unlike any other feeling in the world.

ez du parekorik beste edozein sentimenduekin,

And until you have children, you don't know what it feels like.

eta umeak dituzunera arte ez dakizu zer den.

Uste dut umeek harrapatu nindutela

I think children had ensnared me

the moment I connected fatherhood with loss.

guraso izatea galerarekin lotu nuenean.

Baina ez dakit hortaz konturatuko nintzatekeenik

But I'm not sure I would have noticed that

if I hadn't been so in the thick of this research project of mine.

nire ikerketa proiektuan sakon sartu izan ez banintz.

I'd encountered so much strange love,

Hain maitasun arraro aurkitu dut,

and I fell very naturally into its bewitching patterns.

eredu liluragarri horietan amildu nintzela.

And I saw how splendor can illuminate even the most abject vulnerabilities.

Ikusi dut edertasunak zaurgarritasun gordinena argiztatu dezakeela.

10 urte hauetan, ikusi eta ikasi egin dut

During these 10 years, I had witnessed and learned

ardura jasanezinaren poz izugarria,

the terrifying joy of unbearable responsibility,

and I had come to see how it conquers everything else.

eta ikusi dut horrek beste dena garaitzen duela.

Batzuetan elkarrizketatzen nituen gurasoak memeloak zirela pentsatu izan arren,

And while I had sometimes thought the parents I was interviewing were fools,

enslaving themselves to a lifetime's journey with their thankless children

bizitza osorako esker gutxiko umeen esklabo bihurtuz

zoritxarra identitate bihurtzen saiatzen,

and trying to breed identity out of misery,

ohartu nintzen ikerketak euskarri bat eman zidala

I realized that day that my research had built me a plank

eta euren ontzian sartzeko prest nengoela.

and that I was ready to join them on their ship.

Thank you.

Eskerrik asko.

(Applause and cheers)

(Txaloak)

Thank you.