Love, no matter what | Andrew Solomon

Translator: Timothy Covell Reviewer: Morton Bast

Translator: Jakob Saje Reviewer: Nika Kotnik

"Even in purely nonreligious terms,

"Tudi izven verskega pomena,

homoseksualnost predstavlja zlorabo seksualne zmožnosti.

homosexuality represents a misuse of the sexual faculty.

It is a pathetic little second-rate substitute for reality --

Je patetičen in drugorazredni nadomestek za realnost --

a pitiable flight from life.

usmiljenja vreden beg pred življenjem.

Kot tak si ne zasluži sočutja,

As such, it deserves no compassion,

it deserves no treatment as minority martyrdom,

ne zasluži obravnave

kot mučeništvo manjšine,

in nanj bi morali gledati izključno kot na škodljivo bolezen."

and it deserves not to be deemed anything but a pernicious sickness."

That's from "Time" magazine in 1966, when I was three years old.

To je iz revije Time iz leta 1966, ko sem imel 3 leta.

Lani je predsednik ZDA,

And last year, the president of the United States

came out in favor of gay marriage.

javno podprl istospolne poroke.

(Applause)

[Aplavz]

Moje vprašanje je, kako smo prišli od tam do tukaj?

And my question is:

How did we get from there to here?

How did an illness become an identity?

Kako je bolezen postala identiteta?

When I was perhaps six years old,

Ko sem imel okoli 6 let,

I went to a shoe store with my mother and my brother.

sem šel kupovat čevlje z mojo mamo in bratom.

And at the end of buying our shoes,

Po koncu nakupov,

the salesman said to us that we could each have a balloon to take home.

je prodajalec rekel, da lahko vsak od nas domov vzame balon.

My brother wanted a red balloon,

Moj brat si je zaželel rdeč balon in jaz sem si zaželel rožnatega.

and I wanted a pink balloon.

Moja mama je rekla, da bi v resnici verjetno raje imel moder balon.

My mother said that she thought I'd really rather have a blue balloon.

(Laughter)

Ampak jaz sem ji zatrdil, da bi resnično raje rožnatega.

But I said that I definitely wanted the pink one.

Spomnila me je, da je moja najljubša barva modra.

And she reminded me that my favorite color was blue.

The fact that my favorite color now is blue, but I'm still gay --

Dejstvo, da je modra danes moja najljubša barva, a sem še vedno gej --

(Laughter)

(smeh) --

is evidence of both my mother's influence

Je dokaz o velikem vplivu moje matere in o mejah tega vpliva.

and its limits.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

(Applause)

(aplavz)

When I was little, my mother used to say,

Ko sem bil majhen, je moja mama govorila:

"The love you have for your children is like no other feeling in the world.

"Ljubezen do svojih otrok je drugačna od vseh drugih občutkov na svetu."

"Dokler sam nimaš otrok, ne veš, kako je."

And until you have children, you don't know what it's like."

in ko sem bil majhen je zame največji poklon,

And when I was little, I took it as the greatest compliment in the world

that she would say that about parenting my brother and me.

da je to govorila o vzgajanju mene in mojega brata.

And when I was an adolescent, I thought, "But I'm gay,

In ko sem bil mladostnik, sem si mislil,

da sem gej in da najbrž ne bom mogel imeti družine.

and so I probably can't have a family."

And when she said it, it made me anxious.

In kadar je to rekla, me je prevzela tesnoba.

And after I came out of the closet,

In ko sem javno priznal,

ona pa je še naprej govorila, me je to razbesnelo.

when she continued to say it, it made me furious.

I said, "I'm gay. That's not the direction that I'm headed in.

Rekel sem: "Gej sem. To najbrž ni pot po kateri bom šel.

And I want you to stop saying that."

in rad bi, da nehaš tako govoriti."

About 20 years ago,

Pred 20 leti, so me moji uredniki pri New York Timesu prosili,

I was asked by my editors at the "New York Times Magazine"

to write a piece about Deaf culture.

da napišem članek o "kulturi gluhih".

And I was rather taken aback.

To me je presenetilo.

I had thought of deafness entirely as an illness:

Biti gluh je bilo zame zgolj bolezen.

those poor people, they couldn't hear,

Ti ubogi ljudje, ne morejo slišati,

they lacked hearing, and what could we do for them?

kaj lahko naredimo za njih.

And then I went out into the Deaf world.

Potem sem pričel spoznavati kulturo gluhih.

I went to Deaf clubs.

Šel sem v klube za gluhe,

I saw performances of Deaf theater and of Deaf poetry.

videl predstave teatra za gluhe in poezije za gluhe.

Šel sem celo na tekmovanje Miss Amerike gluhih v Tennesse,

I even went to the Miss Deaf America contest in Nashville, Tennessee,

where people complained about that slurry Southern signing.

kjer so se ljudje pritoževali, nad popačenim južnjaškim znakovanjem.

[smeh]

(Laughter)

Bolj, ko sem spoznaval svet gluhih,

And as I plunged deeper and deeper into the Deaf world,

bolj sem postajal prepričan, da je biti gluh kultura

I became convinced that Deafness was a culture

in da tisti, ki so pravili:

and that the people in the Deaf world who said,

"We don't lack hearing; we have membership in a culture,"

"Nismo smo brez sluha, smo člani neke kulture,"

were saying something that was viable.

sporočali nekaj pomembnega.

It wasn't my culture,

To ni bila moja kultura,

and I didn't particularly want to rush off and join it,

in nisem se ji pretirano želel pridružiti.

but I appreciated that it was a culture

Vendar pa sem cenil, da je kultura

and that for the people who were members of it,

in da je njenim članom tako pomembna

it felt as valuable as Latino culture or gay culture or Jewish culture.

kot kultura mehičanov ali kultura gejev ali kultura židov.

It felt as valid, perhaps, even as American culture.

Morda celo enako pomembna kot ameriška kultura.

Then a friend of a friend of mine had a daughter who was a dwarf.

Potem je prijateljica mojega prijatelja rodila pritlikavo hčerko.

Ko je bila njena hčerka rojena,

And when her daughter was born,

she suddenly found herself confronting questions

se je nenadoma pričela spraševati o vprašanjih,

ki so mi začela zveneti zelo znano.

that now began to seem quite resonant to me.

She was facing the question of what to do with this child.

Spraševala se je, kaj naj s tem otrokom.

Should she say, "You're just like everyone else but a little bit shorter?"

Naj mu govori: "Tak si kot vsi ostali, le nekoliko manjši?"

Ali naj mu pomaga zgraditi nekakšno pritlikavo identiteto.

Or should she try to construct some kind of dwarf identity,

get involved in the Little People of America,

Se udejstvuje z Malimi Ljudmi Amerike",

become aware of what was happening for dwarfs?

se seznani s tem, kar se dogaja na področju pritlikavcev.

And I suddenly thought,

Naenkrat sem pomislil,

večina gluhih otrok se rodi slušečim staršem,

"Most deaf children are born to hearing parents.

Those hearing parents tend to try to cure them.

ti starši jih navadno poskušajo ozdraviti,

Those deaf people discover community somehow in adolescence.

ti gluhi ljudje nekje v mladostništvu pričnejo odkrivati skupnosti."

Most gay people are born to straight parents.

Večina gejevskih otrok, se rodi hetero staršem.

Those straight parents often want them to function

Njihovi starši pogosto želijo, da bi delovali

v, po njihovem mnenju, navadnem svetu,

in what they think of as the mainstream world,

and those gay people have to discover identity later on.

geji morajo zato svojo identiteto odkrivati pozneje.

And here was this friend of mine,

In tu je bila moja prijateljica,

looking at these questions of identity with her dwarf daughter.

ki se je spraševala o enakih vprašanjih, glede svoje hčerke.

In mislil sem si, zopet smo tukaj:

And I thought, "There it is again:

a family that perceives itself to be normal

Družina, ki se dojema kot običajna,

with a child who seems to be extraordinary."

z otrokom, ki je neobičajen.

And I hatched the idea that there are really two kinds of identity.

In prišel sem do zamisli, da obstajata dve vrsti identitete.

There are vertical identities,

Obstajajo navpične identitete,

ki se prenašajo skozi generacije iz staršev na otroke.

which are passed down generationally from parent to child.

To so stvari kot etničnost, narodnost, jezik in pogosto veroizpoved.

Those are things like ethnicity,

frequently nationality, language, often religion.

Those are things you have in common with your parents and with your children.

To so stvari, ki so skupne med starši in njihovimi otroci.

And while some of them can be difficult,

In čeprav so nekatere od teh težke,

there's no attempt to cure them.

ne obstajajo poskusi, da bi jih ozdravili.

You can argue that it's harder in the United States --

Lahko trdimo, da je v ZDA težje --

our current presidency notwithstanding --

kljub našemu trenutnemu predsedniku --

biti temnopolta oseba.

to be a person of color.

And yet, we have nobody who is trying to ensure

A kljub temu nihče ne poskuša doseči,

that the next generation of children born to African-Americans and Asians

da bi bila naslednja generacija črnih in azijskih otrok

come out with creamy skin and yellow hair.

rojena s kremnato kožo in rumenimi lasmi.

Obstajajo tudi druge identitete, katerih se naučimo od svojih vrstnikov.

There are these other identities which you have to learn from a peer group,

Imenujem jih vodoravne identitete,

and I call them "horizontal identities,"

because the peer group is the horizontal experience.

ker so sovrstniki vodoravna izkušnja.

These are identities that are alien to your parents

To so identitete, ki so tuje tvojim staršem

and that you have to discover when you get to see them in peers.

In ki jih odkrivaš, ko jih vidiš pri vrstnikih.

In te identitete, te vodoravne identitete,

And those identities, those horizontal identities,

so ljudje skoraj vedno poskušali ozdraviti.

people have almost always tried to cure.

In želel sem si ogledati, na kakšen način

And I wanted to look at what the process is

through which people who have those identities

ljudje, ki imajo te identitete,

come to a good relationship with them.

vzpostavijo dober odnos z njimi.

And it seemed to me that there were three levels of acceptance

Zdelo sem mi je, da so trije nivoji sprejemanja

that needed to take place.

ki se morajo zgoditi.

To so samo-sprejemanje, sprejemanje v družini in sprejemanje v družbi.

There's self-acceptance, there's family acceptance, and there's social acceptance.

And they don't always coincide.

In ti ne sovpadajo vedno.

And a lot of the time, people who have these conditions are very angry,

In pogosto so ljudje v takšnih stanjih zelo jezni,

because they feel as though their parents don't love them,

ker čutijo, kot da jih njihovi starši nimajo radi,

v resnici pa jih njihovi starši zgolj ne sprejemajo.

when what actually has happened is that their parents don't accept them.

Ljubezen je nekaj, kar idealno obstaja brez pogojev

Love is something that, ideally, is there unconditionally

throughout the relationship between a parent and a child.

v celotnem odnosu med staršem in otrokom.

But acceptance is something that takes time.

Ampak sprejemanje je nekaj, kar potrebuje čas.

It always takes time.

Vedno potrebuje čas.

Eden izmed pritlikavcev, ki sem jih spoznal, je bil Clinton Brown.

One of the dwarfs I got to know was a guy named Clinton Brown.

When he was born, he was diagnosed with diastrophic dwarfism,

Ko je bil rojen, so ga diagnosticirali z diastrofično pritlikavostjo,

zelo hudo boleznijo,

a very disabling condition,

and his parents were told that he would never walk,

in staršem so povedali, da ne bo nikoli hodil, govoril,

he would never talk,

he would have no intellectual capacity,

da ne bo imel umskih sposobnosti,

and he would probably not even recognize them.

in da jih najverjetneje ne bo niti prepoznal.

And it was suggested to them that they leave him at the hospital

In predlagali so jim, naj ga pustijo v bolnišnici

so that he could die there quietly.

da lahko tam umre v tišini.

His mother said she wasn't going to do it,

Njegova mama je rekla, da tega ne bo storila

and she took her son home.

Svojega sina je vzela domov.

And even though she didn't have a lot of educational or financial advantages,

In čeprav ni imela izobrazbe ali finančnih sredstev,

je našla najboljšega zdravnika v državi

she found the best doctor in the country for dealing with diastrophic dwarfism,

za obravnavo diastrofične pritlikavosti,

and she got Clinton enrolled with him.

in dala Clintona v njegovo oskrbo.

And in the course of his childhood,

V svojem otroštvu,

he had 30 major surgical procedures.

je imel 30 večjih kirurških posegov.

And he spent all this time stuck in the hospital

In ves čas je preždel v bolnišnici

while he was having those procedures,

medtem ko je imel te posege,

as a result of which, he now can walk.

zaradi katerih lahko danes hodi.

While he was there, they sent tutors around to help him with his schoolwork,

In medtem ko je bi tam, so mu poslali učitelje za pomoč pri učenju.

In zelo trdo je delal, ker ni imel nič drugega za početi.

and he worked very hard, because there was nothing else to do.

In na koncu dosegel je raven,

He ended up achieving at a level

that had never before been contemplated by any member of his family.

ki si je nihče v njegovi družini ni predstavljal.

He was the first one in his family, in fact, to go to college,

Bil je prvi v svoji družini ki je šel študirat,

where he lived on campus and drove a specially fitted car

živel je v kampusu in vozil posebej prilagojen avto,

that accommodated his unusual body.

ki je ustrezal njegovemu nenavadnemu telesu.

And his mother told me the story of coming home one day --

Njegova mati je pripovedovala, da je neki dan prihajala domov -

and he went to college nearby --

obiskoval je bližnjo univerzo -

and she said, "I saw that car, which you can always recognize,

in rekla je: "Videla sem njegov avto, ki ga takoj prepoznaš,

in the parking lot of a bar," she said.

na parkirišču nekega bara," (smeh)

(Laughter)

"In mislila sem si, oni so visoki 1,8 metra, on je visok 1 meter.

"And I thought to myself,

'They're six feet tall, he's three feet tall.

Two beers for them is four beers for him.'"

Dva piva za njih, so štiri piva za njega."

Rekla je: "Vedela sem, da ga ne smem motiti,

She said, "I knew I couldn't go in there and interrupt him,

but I went home, and I left him eight messages on his cell phone."

zato odšla sem domov in mu pustila 8 sporočil na njegovem telefonu."

She said, "And then I thought,

"In potem sem pomislila,

if someone had said to me, when he was born,

če bi mi nekdo rekel, ko se je rodil,

that my future worry would be that he'd go drinking and driving

da me bo skrbelo, kako bo popival s svojimi študentskimi kolegi --"

with his college buddies ..."

(Laughter)

(aplavz)

(Applause)

And I said to her,

In rekel sem ji: "Kaj misliš, da si storila,

"What do you think you did that helped him to emerge

da je lahko postal tako prijetna in uspešna oseba?"

as this charming, accomplished, wonderful person?"

And she said, "What did I do?

In rekla je, "Kaj sem storila? Rada sem ga imela, nič drugega.

I loved him, that's all.

Clinton je vedno imel to iskrico v sebi.

Clinton just always had that light in him.

Njegov oče in jaz sva samo imela srečo, da sva jo prva videla."

And his father and I were lucky enough to be the first to see it there."

I'm going to quote from another magazine of the '60s.

Sedaj bom citiral še eno revijo iz 60-ih let.

This one is from 1968 --

Tokrat iz leta 1968 -Atlantic Monthly, glas liberalne Amerike -

"The Atlantic Monthly," voice of liberal America --

written by an important bioethicist.

avtor je pomemben bioetik.

He said, "There is no reason to feel guilty

Rekel je: "Nobenega vzroka ni za občutek krivde

about putting a Down's syndrome child away,

pri odstranitvi otroka z Downovim sindromom,

tako v smislu, odstranitve v zavod

whether it is 'put away' in the sense of hidden in a sanitarium

ali v bolj odgovornem, smrtnem pomenu.

or in a more responsible, lethal sense.

Žalostno je, ja -- grozljivo. Vendar ne nosi nobene krivde.

It is sad, yes. Dreadful.

But it carries no guilt.

Resnična krivda vzide samo iz napada na osebo,

True guilt arises only from an offense against a person,

in nekdo z Downom ni oseba."

and a Down's is not a person."

There's been a lot of ink given to the enormous progress that we've made

Veliko je bilo napisanega o izjemnem napredku, ki smo ga naredili

in the treatment of gay people.

pri obravnavi homoseksualnih ljudi.

The fact that our attitude has changed is in the headlines every day.

Dejstvo, da se je naš odnos spremenil, je vsak dan v naslovnicah.

But we forget how we used to see people who had other differences,

Ampak pozabljamo, kako smo nekoč gledali na ljudi z drugimi posebnostmi,

how we used to see people who were disabled,

kako smo nekoč gledali na prizadete ljudi,

how inhuman we held people to be.

za kako nečloveške smo jih imeli.

And the change that's been accomplished there,

In sprememba na tem področju,

which is almost equally radical,

ki je skoraj enako radikalna,

is one that we pay not very much attention to.

ni bila deležna tolikšne pozornosti.

Ena izmed intervjuvanih sta bila tudi Tom in Karen Robards,

One of the families I interviewed, Tom and Karen Robards,

mlada in uspešna Newyorčanoma, ki sta bila presenečena, ko se jima je,

were taken aback when, as young and successful New Yorkers,

their first child was diagnosed with Down syndrome.

prvorojeni otrok rodil z Downovim sindromom.

They thought the educational opportunities for him were not what they should be,

Ugotovila sta, da izobraževalne možnosti zanj niso bile zadostne,

and so they decided they would build a little center --

zato sta se odločila, da bosta zgradila manjši center --

two classrooms that they started with a few other parents --

dve učilnici, ki sta jih odprla z nekaj drugimi starši --

to educate kids with DS.

da bi izobrazila ljudi z D.S.

And over the years, that center grew into something called the Cooke Center,

Skozi leta je ta center zrastel v nekaj, kar se danes imenuje Cooke Center,

where there are now thousands upon thousands of children

kjer danes uči tisoče in tisoče

umsko manj razviih otrok.

with intellectual disabilities

who are being taught.

In the time since that "Atlantic Monthly" story ran,

V času od nastanka zgodbe v Atlantic Monthly,

the life expectancy for people with Down syndrome has tripled.

se je pričakovana življenjska doba oseb z Downovim sindromom potrojila.

Med osebami z Downovim sindromom so igralci,

The experience of Down syndrome people includes those who are actors,

those who are writers, some who are able to live fully independently in adulthood.

pisatelji in nekateri, ki so kot odrasli zmožni živeti povsem neodvisno.

The Robards had a lot to do with that.

Robardova sta igrala veliko vlogo pri tem.

And I said, "Do you regret it?

In vprašal sem ju: "Ali obžalujeta?

Do you wish your child didn't have Down syndrome?

Si želita, da vajin otrok ne bi imel Downovega sindroma?

Do you wish you'd never heard of it?"

Si želita, da zanj ne bi nikoli slišala?"

In zanimivo je oče odgovoril,

And interestingly, his father said,

"Well, for David, our son, I regret it,

"Za David, najinega sina, obžalujem,

kajti za Davida, je to težek način bivanja v svetu.

because for David, it's a difficult way to be in the world,

and I'd like to give David an easier life.

in želim si, da bi Davidu lahko omogočil lažje življenje.

But I think if we lost everyone with Down syndrome,

Vendar bi bilo izguba vseh z Downovim sindromom katastrofalna izguba.

it would be a catastrophic loss."

And Karen Robards said to me, "I'm with Tom.

in Karen Robards mi je rekla: "Strinjam se s Tomom.

For David, I would cure it in an instant, to give him an easier life.

Za Davida, bi v trenutku želela ozdravitve, za lažje življenje.

But speaking for myself --

Vendar za mene, ne bi nikoli verjela pred 23 leti, ko se je rodil,

well, I would never have believed 23 years ago when he was born

da bi lahko prišla do te točke --

that I could come to such a point.

mene osebno, je naredil veliko boljšo in veliko nežnejšo

Speaking for myself, it's made me so much better and so much kinder

and so much more purposeful in my whole life that, speaking for myself,

in veliko bolj osmišljeno v mojem življenju,

da se mu jaz osebno ne bi odpovedala za vse na svetu."

I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world."

Živimo v trenutku, ko je družbeno sprejemanje teh in podobnih bolezni

We live at a point when social acceptance for these and many other conditions

is on the up and up.

v velikem porastu.

A vendar živimo tudi v trenutku,

And yet we also live at the moment

ko je naša sposobnost izničiti takšne bolezni

when our ability to eliminate those conditions

has reached a height we never imagined before.

dosegla raven, ki si je nikoli prej nismo zamišljali.

Most deaf infants born in the United States now

Večina danes rojenih gluhih dojenčkov v ZDA,

will receive cochlear implants,

bo dobila polžev vsadek,

which are put into the brain and connected to a receiver,

ki ga vstavijo v možgane in povežejo s prejemnikom,

and which allow them to acquire a facsimile of hearing

in ki jim omogoča približek sluha in ustni govor.

and to use oral speech.

A compound that has been tested in mice, BMN-111,

Sestavina, ki je bila testirana v miših, BMN-111,

is useful in preventing the action of the achondroplasia gene.

je uporabna pri preprečevanju delovanja ahondroplazničnega gena.

Achondroplasia is the most common form of dwarfism,

Ahondroplazija je najpogostejša oblika pritlikavosti

and mice who have been given that substance

in miši, ki so dobile to sestavino in ki imajo ahondroplaznični gen,

and who have the achondroplasia gene

grow to full size.

vseeno zrastejo do polne velikosti.

Testing in humans is around the corner.

Človeško testiranje naj bi se pričelo vsak hip.

There are blood tests which are making progress

Napredek je tudi pri krvnih testih,

ki lahko med nosečnostjo prepoznajo Downov sindrom jasneje in hitreje kot prej,

that would pick up Down syndrome more clearly and earlier in pregnancies

than ever before,

making it easier and easier for people to eliminate those pregnancies,

s čimer je vedno lažje za ljudi, da izničijo tovrstne nosečnosti,

or to terminate them.

ali da jih prekinejo.

So we have both social progress and medical progress.

Naredili smo torej tako družbeni kot zdravstveni napredek.

And I believe in both of them.

In verjamem v oba.

I believe the social progress is fantastic and meaningful and wonderful,

Verjamem, da je družbeni napredek izjemen in navdihujoč in čudovit,

and I think the same thing about the medical progress.

in enako mislim tudi o zdravstvenem napredku.

But I think it's a tragedy when one of them doesn't see the other.

Mislim pa da je tragedija, ko eden ne prepozna drugega.

In ko vidim, kako se prepletata

And when I see the way they're intersecting

v boleznih, kot so tri, ki sem jih ravno opisal,

in conditions like the three I've just described,

I sometimes think it's like those moments in grand opera

včasih mislim, da gre za enega od tistih trenutkov v operi,

ko junak ugotovi da ljubi junakinjo

when the hero realizes he loves the heroine

at the exact moment that she lies expiring on a divan.

natanko v trenutku, ko ona umira na divanu.

(smeh)

(Laughter)

Moramo razmisliti o tem, kaj si na splošno mislimo o zdravilih.

We have to think about how we feel about cures altogether.

And a lot of the time the question of parenthood is:

Pogosto je vprašanje starševstva,

What do we validate in our children,

kaj podpiramo v naših otrocih,

and what do we cure in them?

in kaj v njih zdravimo?

Jim Sinclair, a prominent autism activist, said,

Jim Sinclair, priznani aktivist avtizma, je rekel:

"When parents say, 'I wish my child did not have autism,'

"Ko starši rečejo, 'želim si, da moj otrok ne bi imel avtizma,'

kar v resnici pravijo je, 'želim si, da otrok, ki ga imam, ne bi obstajal

what they're really saying is, 'I wish the child I have did not exist

and I had a different, nonautistic child instead.'

in da bi imel drugega, ne-avtističnega otroka.'

Read that again. This is what we hear when you mourn over our existence.

Preberite to še enkrat. To slišimo, ko obžalujete naš obstoj.

This is what we hear when you pray for a cure:

To slišimo, ko molite za zdravilo --

da je vaša največja želja za nas,

that your fondest wish for us is that someday we will cease to be,

da bi nekega dne prenehali obstajati

and strangers you can love will move in behind our faces."

in da bi si tujci, ki bi jih lahko ljubili, nadeli naše obraze."

To je zelo ekstremen pogled,

It's a very extreme point of view,

but it points to the reality that people engage with the life they have

a vseeno kaže na dejstvo, da se ljudje spopadajo z življenjem, ki ga imajo

in da si ne želijo biti ozdravljeni, spremenjeni ali uničeni.

and they don't want to be cured or changed or eliminated.

They want to be whoever it is that they've come to be.

Želijo si biti, kdor koli že so postali.

Ena izmed družin, ki sem jih spraševal pri tem projektu,

One of the families I interviewed for this project

was the family of Dylan Klebold,

je bila družina Dylana Klebolda, ki je bil eden od morilcev v Columbinskem pokolu.

who was one of the perpetrators of the Columbine massacre.

Dolgo časa sem jih prepričeval, naj govorijo z mano,

It took a long time to persuade them to talk to me,

and once they agreed, they were so full of their story

ko so pristali, so bili tako polni svoje zgodbe,

that they couldn't stop telling it,

da niso mogli nehati pripovedovati.

Prvi vikend ki sem ga preživel z njimi, prvi izmed mnogih,

and the first weekend I spent with them, the first of many,

I recorded more than 20 hours of conversation.

sem posnel več kot 20 ur pogovora.

And on Sunday night, we were all exhausted.

V nedeljo zvečer smo bili vsi izmučeni.

We were sitting in the kitchen. Sue Klebold was fixing dinner.

Sedeli smo v kuhinji. Sue Klebold je pripravljala večerjo.

In rekel sem: "Če bi bil Dylan sedaj tu,

And I said, "If Dylan were here now,

do you have a sense of what you'd want to ask him?"

imate občutek, kaj bi mu želeli reči?"

And his father said, "I sure do.

In njegov oče mi je rekel, " Seveda vem.

I'd want to ask him what the hell he thought he was doing."

Želel bi ga vprašati, kaj za vraga je mislil, da počne."

And Sue looked at the floor, and she thought for a minute.

Sue je pogledala v tla in pomislila.

Nato je pogledala nazaj in rekla:

And then she looked back up and said,

"Jaz bi ga prosila za odpuščanje, da sem bila njegova mati

"I would ask him to forgive me for being his mother

in da nisem nikoli vedela, kaj se plete v njegovi glavi."

and never knowing what was going on inside his head."

When I had dinner with her a couple of years later --

Ko sem imel nekaj let pozneje z njo večerjo --

one of many dinners that we had together --

eno izmed mnogih skupnih večerji, ki sva jih imela --

she said, "You know, when it first happened,

Mi je rekla: "Veš, ko je zgodilo,

I used to wish that I had never married, that I had never had children.

sem si najprej želela, da se ne bi nikoli poročila in imela otrok.

If I hadn't gone to Ohio State and crossed paths with Tom,

Če ne bi šla v Ohio in srečala Toma,

ta otrok ne bi obstajal in ta grozna stvar se ne bi zgodila.

this child wouldn't have existed,

and this terrible thing wouldn't have happened.

Vendar sem sčasoma začutila da ljubim otroke, ki sem jih imela,

But I've come to feel that I love the children I had so much

that I don't want to imagine a life without them.

da si ne želim zamišljati življenja brez njih.

I recognize the pain they caused to others,

Prepoznavam bolečino, ki so jo povzročili in ki nima opravičila,

for which there can be no forgiveness,

but the pain they caused to me, there is," she said.

a za bolečino, ki so jo povzročili meni, je," mi je rekla.

"Razumem, da bi bilo bolje za svet,

"So while I recognize that it would have been better for the world

if Dylan had never been born,

če se Dylan ne bi rodil,

I've decided that it would not have been better for me."

vendar sem se odločila, da to ne bi bilo bolje zame."

Presenetilo me je, kako so vse te družine imele otroke s toliko problemi,

I thought it was surprising

how all of these families had all of these children

with all of these problems,

problems that they mostly would have done anything to avoid,

za katere bi večina od nas storila vse, da bi se jim lahko izognili.

and that they had all found so much meaning in that experience of parenting.

in da so vsi našli toliko pomena, v tej izkušnji.

In potem sem pomisli, vsi, ki imamo otroke,

And then I thought, all of us who have children

love the children we have, with their flaws.

ljubimo otroke, ki jih imamo z njihovimi napakami.

Če bi se angel nenadoma spustil skozi strop moje dnevne sobe

If some glorious angel suddenly descended through my living-room ceiling

and offered to take away the children I have

in ponudil, da odvzame moje otroke

and give me other, better children --

in mi ponudil druge - vljudnejše, zabavnejše, prijaznejše, pametnejše --

more polite, funnier, nicer, smarter --

(Laughter)

bi objel svoje otroke in molil, da ta grozljiva prikazen izgine.

I would cling to the children I have and pray away that atrocious spectacle.

In konec koncev mislim,

And ultimately,

I feel that in the same way that we test flame-retardant pajamas in an inferno

da tako kot preizkušamo na ogenj odporne pižame v ognju,

to ensure they won't catch fire when our child reaches across the stove,

da zagotovimo, da se ne bodo vžgale, ko naši otroci segajo po štedilniku,

so these stories of families negotiating these extreme differences

enako zgodbe o družinah, ki premagujejo te izjemne razlike

reflect on the universal experience of parenting,

kažejo na univerzalno izkušnjo starševstva,

which is always that sometimes, you look at your child, and you think,

ki je v tem, da občasno gledamo svojega otroka in si mislimo,

od kod si se vzel?

"Where did you come from?"

(Laughter)

(smeh)

It turns out that while each of these individual differences is siloed --

Izkazalo se je, da kljub temu, da je vsaka teh različnosti zamejena-

there are only so many families dealing with schizophrenia,

obstaja zgolj toliko družin, ki se ukvarjajo s shizofenijo,

only so many families of children who are transgender,

samo toliko družin s transseksualnimi otroci,

samo toliko družin z genialnimi otroci, -

only so many families of prodigies --

who also face similar challenges in many ways --

ki se pogosto srečujejo s podobnimi izzivi -

there are only so many families in each of those categories.

obstaja zgolj toliko družin v vsaki od teh kategorij -

ampak če,

But if you start to think

that the experience of negotiating difference within your family

je izkušnja premagovanja razlik v družini,

tisto s čimer se ukvarjajo,

is what people are addressing,

potem ugotoviš, da je to skorajda univerzalni pojav.

then you discover that it's a nearly universal phenomenon.

Ironically, it turns out,

Ironično se izkaže, da so naše razlike in poskusi premagovanja teh razlik,

that it's our differences and our negotiation of difference

that unite us.

tisto, kar nas združuje.

I decided to have children while I was working on this project.

Da bom imel otroke, sem se odločil med tem projektom.

And many people were astonished and said,

Veliko ljudi je bilo presenečenih in mi reklo:

"But how can you decide to have children

"Kako se lahko odločiš za otroke,

medtem ko preučuješ vse, kar gre lahko narobe."

in the midst of studying everything that can go wrong?"

And I said, "I'm not studying everything that can go wrong.

Rekel sem jim: "Ne preučujem, vse kar gre lahko narobe."

What I'm studying is how much love there can be,

Ampak koliko ljubezni lahko obstaja,

even when everything appears to be going wrong."

tudi takrat, ko se zdi, da gre vse narobe."

I thought a lot about the mother of one disabled child I had seen,

Veliko sem premišljal o materi enega izmed prizadetih otrok,

močno prizadetega otroka, ki je umrl zaradi zanemarjanja negovalcev.

a severely disabled child who died through caregiver neglect.

And when his ashes were interred, his mother said,

in ko je bil njegov pepel položen, mi je njegova mati rekla:

"Molim za odpuščanje, ker sem bila oropana dvakrat,

"I pray here for forgiveness for having been twice robbed:

once of the child I wanted,

prvič za otroka, ki sem ga želela in drugič za sina, ki sem ga ljubila."

and once of the son I loved."

And I figured it was possible, then, for anyone to love any child,

Takrat sem ugotovil, da lahko kdorkoli ljubi kakršnega koli otroka,

if they had the effective will to do so.

če ima voljo, da to stori.

Moj mož je biološki oče dveh otrok,

So, my husband is the biological father of two children

with some lesbian friends in Minneapolis.

našima lezbičnima prijateljicama v Minneapolisu.

Imel sem bližnjo prijateljico na faksu, ki je po ločitvi želela imeti otroke.

I had a close friend from college who'd gone through a divorce

and wanted to have children.

And so she and I have a daughter,

Ona in jaz imava hčerko,

and mother and daughter live in Texas.

mati in hčerka živita v Teksasu.

And my husband and I have a son who lives with us all the time,

Moj mož in jaz pa imava sina, ki je ves čas z nama,

of whom I am the biological father,

kateremu sem jaz biološki oče,

naša nadomestna mama za nosečnost, pa je bila Laura,

and our surrogate for the pregnancy was Laura,

the lesbian mother of Oliver and Lucy in Minneapolis.

lezbična mama Oliverja in Lucy v Minneapolisu.

(Laughter)

(aplavz)

So --

(Applause)

Torej pet staršev, štirje otroci v treh različnih zveznih državah.

The shorthand is: five parents of four children in three states.

(Laughter)

And there are people who think that the existence of my family

In nekateri mislijo, da obstoj moje družine

somehow undermines or weakens or damages their family.

na nek način spodkopava, slabi ali škoduje njihovi družini.

And there are people who think that families like mine

in obstajajo ljudje, ki mislijo, da družine, kot je moja

shouldn't be allowed to exist.

ne bi smele obstajati.

And I don't accept subtractive models of love,

Ampak jaz ne sprejemam izključujočih idej ljubezni, samo vključujoče.

only additive ones.

And I believe that in the same way that we need species diversity

In verjamem, da tako kot potrebujemo raznolikost vrst,

to ensure that the planet can go on,

da zagotovimo obstoj planeta,

potrebujemo tudi raznolikost ljubezni in raznolikost družin,

so we need this diversity of affection and diversity of family

in order to strengthen the ecosphere of kindness.

da ojačamo ekosfero prijaznosti.

Na dan, ko je bil rojen najin sin,

The day after our son was born,

the pediatrician came into the hospital room

je pediatrinja prišla v sobo in rekla, da je zaskrbljena.

and said she was concerned.

He wasn't extending his legs appropriately.

Otrok ni pravilno iztegoval svojih nog.

Rekla je, da to lahko pomeni, da ima možganske poškodbe.

She said that might mean that he had brain damage.

Insofar as he was extending them, he was doing so asymmetrically,

Tudi ko jih je iztegoval, je to počel asimetrično,

which she thought could mean that there was a tumor of some kind in action.

kar bi lahko nakazovalo na učinek nekakšnega tumorja.

Imel je tudi zelo veliko glavo, kar bi lahko kazalo na hidrocefalus.

And he had a very large head,

which she thought might indicate hydrocephalus.

And as she told me all of these things,

In ko mi je govorila vse te reči,

I felt the very center of my being pouring out onto the floor.

sem čutil, kako vse moje bistvo, pada na tla.

And I thought, "Here I had been working for years

Mislim sem si, vsa ta leta sem delal

on a book about how much meaning people had found

na knjigi o tem, kako veliko pomena,

in the experience of parenting children who were disabled,

so ljudje našli v prizadetih otrocih,

in sam se jim nisem želel pridružiti.

and I didn't want to join their number

because what I was encountering was an idea of illness."

Ker sem se spopadal z idejo bolezni.

And like all parents since the dawn of time,

In kot vsak starš že od pradavnine,

sem hotel zaščiti svoje otroke pred boleznijo.

I wanted to protect my child from illness.

Hotel sem tudi zaščititi sebe pred boleznijo.

And I wanted, also, to protect myself from illness.

And yet, I knew from the work I had done

A vseeno sem vedel, zaradi dela, ki sem ga opravil,

da če ima katero koli od omenjenih stvari,

that if he had any of the things we were about to start testing for,

da bodo te sčasoma postale njegova identiteta.

that those would ultimately be his identity,

In da če bodo njegova identiteta, da bodo postale tudi moja identiteta,

and if they were his identity, they would become my identity,

that that illness was going to take a very different shape as it unfolded.

da bo ta bolezen s časom postala zelo drugačna.

We took him to the MRI machine, we took him to the CAT scanner,

Peljali smo ga na MRI in na tomografijo,

we took this day-old child and gave him over for an arterial blood draw.

en dan starega otroka sva oddala za odvzem krvi.

We felt helpless.

Počutila sva se nemočna.

And at the end of five hours,

Po petih urah,

so rekli, da so njegovi možgani povsem zdravi

they said that his brain was completely clear

and that he was by then extending his legs correctly.

in da sedaj že pravilno izteguje noge.

And when I asked the pediatrician what had been going on,

In ko sem pediatrinjo vprašal, kaj se je dogajalo,

she said she thought in the morning, he had probably had a cramp.

je rekla, da je zjutraj verjetno imel krč.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

But I thought --

Ampak jaz sem razmišljal, kako prav je imela moja mati.

(Laughter)

I thought how my mother was right.

I thought, "The love you have for your children

Mislil sem si, da je ljubezen do svojih otrok,

is unlike any other feeling in the world.

drugačna od vseh ostalih občutkov na svetu

And until you have children, you don't know what it feels like.

in dokler nimaš svojih otrok, ne veš kakšna je.

Mislim, da so me otroci ujeli

I think children had ensnared me

the moment I connected fatherhood with loss.

tisti trenutek, ko sem povezal očetovstvo z izgubo.

Vendar nisem prepričan, da bi to opazil,

But I'm not sure I would have noticed that

če ne bi bil tako močno prisoten v mojem projektu.

if I hadn't been so in the thick of this research project of mine.

I'd encountered so much strange love,

Spoznal sem toliko nenavadne ljubezni,

and I fell very naturally into its bewitching patterns.

in tako sem zelo naravno padel v njen čarobni vzorec.

And I saw how splendor can illuminate even the most abject vulnerabilities.

Videl sem, kako lahko lepota razsvetli tudi najbolj grozljive ranljivosti.

Tekom teh 10 let, sem pričeval in spoznal

During these 10 years, I had witnessed and learned

zastrašujoči občutek neznosne odgovornosti

the terrifying joy of unbearable responsibility,

and I had come to see how it conquers everything else.

in spoznal sem, kako lahko premaga vse ostalo.

In čeprav sem občasno mislil, da so starši, ki jih sprašujem, neumni,

And while I had sometimes thought the parents I was interviewing were fools,

enslaving themselves to a lifetime's journey with their thankless children

da so sužnji doživljenjskega potovanja z nehvaležnimi otroci,

ki jim poskušajo ustvariti identiteto iz trpljenja,

and trying to breed identity out of misery,

sem spoznal, da mi je moja raziskava zgradila pomol,

I realized that day that my research had built me a plank

in da sem se pripravljen pridružiti njihovi ladji.

and that I was ready to join them on their ship.

Hvala.

Thank you.

(Applause and cheers)

(aplavz)

Thank you.