Love, no matter what | Andrew Solomon

Translator: Timothy Covell Reviewer: Morton Bast

Translator: Mariona Badenas Reviewer: Sonia Redondo

"Even in purely nonreligious terms,

"Inclús en termes no religiosos,

la homosexualitat representa un mal ús de la facultat sexual.

homosexuality represents a misuse of the sexual faculty.

It is a pathetic little second-rate substitute for reality --

És un substitut patètic de segona categoria a la realitat...

a pitiable flight from life.

un vol deplorable de la vida.

Com a tal, no es mereix cap compassió,

As such, it deserves no compassion,

it deserves no treatment as minority martyrdom,

i tampoc cap tractament

com a martiri d'una minoria,

i no es mereix res més que ser considerada com una malaltia perniciosa".

and it deserves not to be deemed anything but a pernicious sickness."

That's from "Time" magazine in 1966, when I was three years old.

Això és de la revista Time de 1966, quan tenia tres anys.

I l'any passat, el president dels Estats Units

And last year, the president of the United States

came out in favor of gay marriage.

es va posicionar a favor del matrimoni gai.

(Applause)

(Aplaudiments)

I la meva pregunta és, com hem anat d'allà fins aquí?

And my question is:

How did we get from there to here?

How did an illness become an identity?

Com una malaltia s'ha convertit en una identitat?

When I was perhaps six years old,

Quan potser tenia sis anys,

I went to a shoe store with my mother and my brother.

Vaig anar a una botiga de sabates amb la meva mare i el meu germà.

And at the end of buying our shoes,

Quan finalment anàvem a comprar les nostres sabates,

the salesman said to us that we could each have a balloon to take home.

el botiguer ens va dir que cadascun es podia emportar un globus a casa.

My brother wanted a red balloon,

El meu germà volia un globus vermell i jo volia un globus rosa.

and I wanted a pink balloon.

La meva mare va dir que ella pensava que realment havia de tenir un globus blau.

My mother said that she thought I'd really rather have a blue balloon.

(Laughter)

Però jo vaig dir que volia definitivament el rosa.

But I said that I definitely wanted the pink one.

I ella em va recordar que el meu color preferit era el blau.

And she reminded me that my favorite color was blue.

The fact that my favorite color now is blue, but I'm still gay --

El fet que ara el meu color preferit sigui el blau, però que encara sigui gai...

(Laughter)

(Riure)

is evidence of both my mother's influence

és una evidència tant de la influència de la meva mare com dels seus límits.

and its limits.

(Laughter)

(Riure)

(Applause)

(Aplaudiments)

When I was little, my mother used to say,

Quan era petit, la meva mare acostumava a dir,

"The love you have for your children is like no other feeling in the world.

"L'amor que tens pels teus fills no es pot comparar amb cap altre sentiment al món.

I fins que no tinguis fills, no sabràs com és".

And until you have children, you don't know what it's like."

I quan era petit, vaig considerar com el més gran compliment en el món

And when I was little, I took it as the greatest compliment in the world

that she would say that about parenting my brother and me.

que digués això sobre la criança del meu germà i de mi.

And when I was an adolescent, I thought, "But I'm gay,

I quan era adolescent, pensava

que sóc gai, així que probablement no puc tenir una família.

and so I probably can't have a family."

And when she said it, it made me anxious.

I quan ella ho va dir, em vaig posar molt ansiós.

And after I came out of the closet,

I després que sortís de l'armari,

quan ella ho va continuar dient, em va posar furiós.

when she continued to say it, it made me furious.

I said, "I'm gay. That's not the direction that I'm headed in.

I jo vaig dir, "Sóc gai. Aquesta no és la direcció per on vaig.

And I want you to stop saying that."

I vull que paris de dir-ho".

About 20 years ago,

Uns 20 anys enrere, els editors de la revista New York Times em van preguntar

I was asked by my editors at the "New York Times Magazine"

to write a piece about Deaf culture.

si podia escriure un article sobre la cultura sorda.

And I was rather taken aback.

I em vaig quedar una mica de pedra.

I had thought of deafness entirely as an illness:

Havia considerat la sordesa completament com una malaltia.

those poor people, they couldn't hear,

Aquelles pobres persones, no podien sentir.

they lacked hearing, and what could we do for them?

No podien escoltar, i què es podia fer per ells?

And then I went out into the Deaf world.

I doncs vaig entrar en la cultura sorda.

I went to Deaf clubs.

I vaig anar a clubs de sords.

I saw performances of Deaf theater and of Deaf poetry.

I vaig veure actuacions de teatre sord i de poesia sorda.

I fins i tot vaig anar a la competició "Miss Amèrica Sorda" a Nashville, Tennessee,

I even went to the Miss Deaf America contest in Nashville, Tennessee,

where people complained about that slurry Southern signing.

on persones van queixar-se d'aquell espès cant del Sud.

(Riure)

(Laughter)

I a mesura que més m'endinsava en el món dels sords,

And as I plunged deeper and deeper into the Deaf world,

em vaig convèncer que la sordesa era una cultura

I became convinced that Deafness was a culture

i que les persones en el món dels sords que deien

and that the people in the Deaf world who said,

"We don't lack hearing; we have membership in a culture,"

"No ens falta escoltar, formem part d'una cultura"

were saying something that was viable.

estaven dient una cosa viable.

It wasn't my culture,

No era la meva cultura,

and I didn't particularly want to rush off and join it,

i no volia particularment córrer per unir-m'hi,

but I appreciated that it was a culture

però vaig adonar-me que era una cultura

and that for the people who were members of it,

i que per a les persones que n'eren membres,

it felt as valuable as Latino culture or gay culture or Jewish culture.

era tan valuosa com la cultura llatina o la cultura gai o la cultura jueva.

It felt as valid, perhaps, even as American culture.

La consideraven tan vàlida com potser la cultura americana.

Then a friend of a friend of mine had a daughter who was a dwarf.

Després un amic d'un amic meu tenia una germana afectada pel nanisme.

I quan la seva filla va néixer,

And when her daughter was born,

she suddenly found herself confronting questions

de cop i volta es va veure confrontada a preguntes

que en aquell moment em van començar a semblar una mica ressonants.

that now began to seem quite resonant to me.

She was facing the question of what to do with this child.

Estava encarant la pregunta de què fer amb la seva filla.

Should she say, "You're just like everyone else but a little bit shorter?"

Havia de dir, "Ets com qualsevol altre però una mica més baixa?".

O havia d'intentar construir algún tipus d'identitat nana,

Or should she try to construct some kind of dwarf identity,

get involved in the Little People of America,

involucrar-se en "Persones baixes d'Amèrica",

become aware of what was happening for dwarfs?

adonar-se del que passava pels nans?

And I suddenly thought,

I de cop i volta vaig pensar,

la majoria de nens sords neixen de pares que senten.

"Most deaf children are born to hearing parents.

Those hearing parents tend to try to cure them.

Aquells pares que senten intenten curar-los.

Those deaf people discover community somehow in adolescence.

Aquelles persones sordes descobreixen d'alguna forma una comunitat en la seva adolescència.

Most gay people are born to straight parents.

La majoria de persones gais neixen de pares heterosexuals.

Those straight parents often want them to function

Aquests pares heterosexuals normalment volen que funcionin

en el que ells creuen que és el món corrent,

in what they think of as the mainstream world,

and those gay people have to discover identity later on.

i aquestes persones gais han de descobrir la seva identitat més tard.

And here was this friend of mine,

I allà estava un amic meu

looking at these questions of identity with her dwarf daughter.

contemplant aquestes qüestions d'identitat amb la seva filla sorda.

I vaig pensar, ja ho tenim de nou:

And I thought, "There it is again:

a family that perceives itself to be normal

una familia que es perceb com a normal

with a child who seems to be extraordinary."

amb un noi que sembla extraordinari.

And I hatched the idea that there are really two kinds of identity.

I vaig estar pensant que hi ha dos tipus d'indentitats.

There are vertical identities,

Hi ha identitats verticals,

que es transmeten generacionalment de pares a fills.

which are passed down generationally from parent to child.

Aquestes són coses com la etnicitat, freqüentment la nacionalitat, la llengua, sovint la religió.

Those are things like ethnicity,

frequently nationality, language, often religion.

Those are things you have in common with your parents and with your children.

Aquestes són coses que tens en comú amb els teus pares i amb els teus fills.

And while some of them can be difficult,

I mentre que algunes d'elles poden ser difícils,

there's no attempt to cure them.

no hi ha cap intent de curar-les.

You can argue that it's harder in the United States --

Podeu discutir que és més difícil als Estats Units,

our current presidency notwithstanding --

malgrat la presidència actual,

ser una persona de color.

to be a person of color.

And yet, we have nobody who is trying to ensure

I tot i així, no hi ha ningú que estigui intentant assegurar

that the next generation of children born to African-Americans and Asians

que la propera generació de nens nascuts d'americans asiàtics i africans

come out with creamy skin and yellow hair.

tinguin la pell de color crema i el cabell groc.

Aquestes són aquelles altres identitats que has d'aprendre entre companys.

There are these other identities which you have to learn from a peer group,

I les anomeno identitats horitzontals,

and I call them "horizontal identities,"

because the peer group is the horizontal experience.

perquè un grup de companys és una experiència horitzontal.

These are identities that are alien to your parents

Aquestes són les identitats alienes als teus pares

and that you have to discover when you get to see them in peers.

i que has de descobrir quan les veus en els teus amics.

I aquestes identitats, aquestes identitats horitzontals,

And those identities, those horizontal identities,

la gent quasi sempre les ha intentat curar.

people have almost always tried to cure.

I volia veure quin era el procés

And I wanted to look at what the process is

through which people who have those identities

a través del qual les persones que tenen aquestes identitats

come to a good relationship with them.

acaben tenint una bona relació amb elles.

And it seemed to me that there were three levels of acceptance

I em va semblar que hi havia tres nivells d'acceptància

that needed to take place.

que havien de succeïr.

Hi ha l'acceptació personal, l'acceptació de la família i l'acceptació social.

There's self-acceptance, there's family acceptance, and there's social acceptance.

And they don't always coincide.

I no sempre coincideixen.

And a lot of the time, people who have these conditions are very angry,

La major part del temps, les persones que tenen aquestes condicions estan molt enfadades

because they feel as though their parents don't love them,

perquè se senten com si els seus pares no els estimessin,

quan el que en realitat ha passat és que els seus no els accepten.

when what actually has happened is that their parents don't accept them.

L'amor és una cosa que idealment és allà incondicionalment

Love is something that, ideally, is there unconditionally

throughout the relationship between a parent and a child.

durant la relació entre un pare i un fill.

But acceptance is something that takes time.

Però l'acceptació és una cosa que porta temps.

It always takes time.

Sempre porta temps.

Una de les persones nanes que vaig conèixer era un noi anomenat Clinton Brown.

One of the dwarfs I got to know was a guy named Clinton Brown.

When he was born, he was diagnosed with diastrophic dwarfism,

Quan va néixer, li van diagnosticar enanisme diastròfic,

una afectació molt discapacitant,

a very disabling condition,

and his parents were told that he would never walk,

i als seus pares se'ls va notificar que mai no podria caminar, que mai no podria parlar,

he would never talk,

he would have no intellectual capacity,

que no tindria cap capacitat intel·lectual,

and he would probably not even recognize them.

i que probablement mai no els reconeixeria.

And it was suggested to them that they leave him at the hospital

I se'ls va suggerir que el deixéssin a l'hospital

so that he could die there quietly.

per a què pogués morir allà tranquil.

His mother said she wasn't going to do it,

I la seva mare va dir que ella no ho faria.

and she took her son home.

I es va emportar el seu fill a casa.

And even though she didn't have a lot of educational or financial advantages,

I tot i que ella no tenia masses avantatges educatius o financers,

va trobar el millor doctor del país

she found the best doctor in the country for dealing with diastrophic dwarfism,

per a enanisme diastròfic,

and she got Clinton enrolled with him.

i va aconseguir que en Clinton fos el seu pacient.

And in the course of his childhood,

I en el transcurs de la seva infància,

he had 30 major surgical procedures.

va tenir 30 grans operacions de cirurgia.

And he spent all this time stuck in the hospital

I va passar el seu temps atrapat en un hospital

while he was having those procedures,

mentre tenia aquestes operacions,

as a result of which, he now can walk.

mitjançant les quals ara ja pot caminar.

While he was there, they sent tutors around to help him with his schoolwork,

I mentre estava allà, li van proporcionar tutors per ajudar-lo amb la seva feina escolar.

I va treballar molt dur perquè no hi havia res més a fer.

and he worked very hard, because there was nothing else to do.

I va acabar arribant a un nivell

He ended up achieving at a level

that had never before been contemplated by any member of his family.

que mai no havia estat contemplat per cap membre de la seva família.

He was the first one in his family, in fact, to go to college,

Va ser el primer de la seva família, de fet, que va anar a la universitat,

where he lived on campus and drove a specially fitted car

on va viure al campus i conduïa un cotxe especialment dissenyat

that accommodated his unusual body.

per al seu cos inusual.

And his mother told me the story of coming home one day --

I la seva mare em va explicar aquesta història de tornar a casa un dia

and he went to college nearby --

i ell va anar a la universitat a prop

and she said, "I saw that car, which you can always recognize,

i em va dir, "Vaig veure aquell cotxe, que sempre pots reconèixer,

in the parking lot of a bar," she said.

en una plaça de pàrquing d'un bar". (Riure)

(Laughter)

"I vaig pensar, ells fan sis peus d'alçada, ell en fa tres.

"And I thought to myself,

'They're six feet tall, he's three feet tall.

Two beers for them is four beers for him.'"

Dues cerveses per a ells són quatre cerveses per a ell."

Va dir, "Sabia que no podia anar allà i interrompre'l,

She said, "I knew I couldn't go in there and interrupt him,

but I went home, and I left him eight messages on his cell phone."

però vaig anar a casa, i vaig deixar-li vuit missatges al seu telèfon".

She said, "And then I thought,

Va dir, "I després vaig pensar,

if someone had said to me, when he was born,

si algú m'hagués dit quan va néixer

that my future worry would be that he'd go drinking and driving

que la meva preocupació futura seria que ell anés a beure i conduís amb els seus companys d'universitat..."

with his college buddies ..."

(Laughter)

(Aplaudiments)

(Applause)

And I said to her,

I li vaig dir, "Què creus que vas fer

"What do you think you did that helped him to emerge

que va ajudar-lo a ser aquesta persona tan encantadora, brillant i meravellosa?"

as this charming, accomplished, wonderful person?"

And she said, "What did I do?

I ella em va dir, "Què vaig fer? El vaig estimar, això és tot.

I loved him, that's all.

Clinton senzillament va tenir sempre una llum dintre seu.

Clinton just always had that light in him.

I el seu pare i jo vam ser suficientment afortunats de ser els primers a veure-la."

And his father and I were lucky enough to be the first to see it there."

I'm going to quote from another magazine of the '60s.

Ara citaré una altra revista dels anys 60.

This one is from 1968 --

Aquesta és del 1968, de "The Atlantic Monthly, la veu de l'Amèrica liberal",

"The Atlantic Monthly," voice of liberal America --

written by an important bioethicist.

escrit per un bioètic important.

He said, "There is no reason to feel guilty

Va dir, "No hi ha cap raó per sentir-se culpable

about putting a Down's syndrome child away,

d'apartar un nen amb síndrome de Down,

tant si és apartar en el sentit d'amagar en un manicomi

whether it is 'put away' in the sense of hidden in a sanitarium

com en un de més responsable, en un sentit letal.

or in a more responsible, lethal sense.

És molt trist, si... espantós. Però no porta culpa.

It is sad, yes. Dreadful.

But it carries no guilt.

La culpa veritable arriba només d'una ofensa contra una persona,

True guilt arises only from an offense against a person,

i una síndrome de Down no és una persona".

and a Down's is not a person."

There's been a lot of ink given to the enormous progress that we've made

Hi ha hagut molta controvèrsia amb l'enorme progrés que hem fet

in the treatment of gay people.

amb el tractament de les persones gais.

The fact that our attitude has changed is in the headlines every day.

El fet que la nostra actitud ha canviat és als titulars cada dia.

But we forget how we used to see people who had other differences,

Però ens oblidem com acostumàvem a veure les persones que tenien altres diferències,

how we used to see people who were disabled,

com acostumàvem a veure les persones amb discapacitats,

how inhuman we held people to be.

com d'inhumanes crèiem que eren les persones.

And the change that's been accomplished there,

I el canvi que s'ha realitzat aquí,

which is almost equally radical,

que és gairebé igual de radical,

is one that we pay not very much attention to.

és un al qual no li prestem gaire atenció.

Una de les famílies que vaig entrevistar, en Tom i la Karen Robards,

One of the families I interviewed, Tom and Karen Robards,

es van quedar de pedra quan, com a novaiorquesos joves i amb èxit,

were taken aback when, as young and successful New Yorkers,

their first child was diagnosed with Down syndrome.

van diagnosticar el seu primer fill amb síndrome de Down.

They thought the educational opportunities for him were not what they should be,

Es pensaven que les oportunitats educatives per a ell eren les que no havien de ser,

and so they decided they would build a little center --

així que van decidir construir un petit centre,

two classrooms that they started with a few other parents --

dues classes que van començar amb uns quants pares més,

to educate kids with DS.

per educar els nens amb D.S. (síndrome de Down).

And over the years, that center grew into something called the Cooke Center,

I amb el temps, aquest centre es va convertir en l'anomenat Cooke Center,

where there are now thousands upon thousands of children

on ara s'ensenya a milers i milers

de nens amb discapacitats intel·lectuals.

with intellectual disabilities

who are being taught.

In the time since that "Atlantic Monthly" story ran,

Amb el temps que ha passat des que l'article de l'Atlantic Monthly es va publicar,

the life expectancy for people with Down syndrome has tripled.

l'esperança de vida per a persones amb síndrome de Down s'ha triplicat.

L'experiència de persones amb síndrome de Down inclou aquells que són actors,

The experience of Down syndrome people includes those who are actors,

those who are writers, some who are able to live fully independently in adulthood.

aquells que són escriptors, aquells que són capaços de viure de forma plenament independent en l'etapa adulta.

The Robards had a lot to do with that.

Els Robards van tenir molt a veure amb això.

And I said, "Do you regret it?

I vaig dir, "Us en penediu?

Do you wish your child didn't have Down syndrome?

Desitjaríeu que el vostre fill no tingués síndrome de Down?

Do you wish you'd never heard of it?"

Desitjaríeu no haver-ne sentit mai a parlar?"

És interessant que el pare digués,

And interestingly, his father said,

"Well, for David, our son, I regret it,

"Bé, per a en David, el nostre fill, me'n penedeixo,

perquè per a en David, és una forma difícil de ser-hi al món,

because for David, it's a difficult way to be in the world,

and I'd like to give David an easier life.

i m'agradaria donar a en David una vida més senzilla.

But I think if we lost everyone with Down syndrome,

Però penso que si perdéssim a tots els que pateixen de síndrome de Down, seria una pèrdua catastròfica".

it would be a catastrophic loss."

And Karen Robards said to me, "I'm with Tom.

I la Karen Robards em va dir, "Jo estic amb en Tom.

For David, I would cure it in an instant, to give him an easier life.

Per en David, el curaria en un instant per donar-li una vida més senzilla.

But speaking for myself --

Però parlant per mi mateixa... bé, mai no hauria imaginat 23 anys enrere, quan va néixer,

well, I would never have believed 23 years ago when he was born

que arribaríem a aquest punt...

that I could come to such a point.

Parlant per mi mateixa, m'ha fet millor persona, molt més amable

Speaking for myself, it's made me so much better and so much kinder

and so much more purposeful in my whole life that, speaking for myself,

i molt més útil en tota la meva vida,

que parlant per mi mateixa, mai el deixaria per res del món".

I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world."

Vivim en un moment en què l'acceptació social per aquestes i moltes altres condicions

We live at a point when social acceptance for these and many other conditions

is on the up and up.

creix i creix.

I no obstant, també vivim en un moment

And yet we also live at the moment

en què la nostra habilitat per eliminar aquestes condicions

when our ability to eliminate those conditions

has reached a height we never imagined before.

ha arribat a una alçada que mai no vam imaginar.

Most deaf infants born in the United States now

La majoria de nens sords nascuts ara als Estats Units

will receive cochlear implants,

rebran implants Cochlear,

which are put into the brain and connected to a receiver,

els quals es posen al cervell i es connecten a un receptor,

and which allow them to acquire a facsimile of hearing

i els permeten d'obtenir un facsímil de la facultat d'escoltar i utilitzar el discurs oral.

and to use oral speech.

A compound that has been tested in mice, BMN-111,

Un compost que s'ha probat amb ratolins, BMN-111,

is useful in preventing the action of the achondroplasia gene.

és útil per evitar l'acció del gen de l'acondroplàsia.

Achondroplasia is the most common form of dwarfism,

L'acondroplàsia és la forma més comuna d'enanisme,

and mice who have been given that substance

i els ratolins als quals se'ls hi ha donat aquesta substància i tenen el gen de l'acondroplàsia,

and who have the achondroplasia gene

grow to full size.

créixen fins a una mida normal.

Testing in humans is around the corner.

Les probes amb humans estan molt aprop.

There are blood tests which are making progress

Hi ha probes de sang que estan progressant

que detectarien la Síndrome de Down durant l'embaràs abans i de forma més clara que mai fins ara,

that would pick up Down syndrome more clearly and earlier in pregnancies

than ever before,

making it easier and easier for people to eliminate those pregnancies,

fent cada vegada més fàcil per a les persones eliminar aquests embarassos,

or to terminate them.

o d'acabar amb ells.

So we have both social progress and medical progress.

I per tant tenim tant progrés social com progrés mèdic.

And I believe in both of them.

I creiem en els dos.

I believe the social progress is fantastic and meaningful and wonderful,

Jo crec que el progrés social és fantàstic, significatiu i meravellós,

and I think the same thing about the medical progress.

i penso que passa el mateix amb el progrés mèdic.

But I think it's a tragedy when one of them doesn't see the other.

Però crec que és una tragèdia quan un d'ells no veu l'altre.

I quan veig la forma en què interseccionen

And when I see the way they're intersecting

en condicions com les tres que acabo de descriure,

in conditions like the three I've just described,

I sometimes think it's like those moments in grand opera

penso de vegades que és com aquells moments en una gran òpera

quan l'heroi s'adona que estima l'heroïna

when the hero realizes he loves the heroine

at the exact moment that she lies expiring on a divan.

en el precís moment en què ella està estirada expirant en un canapè.

(Riure)

(Laughter)

Hem de pensar com ens sentim sobre aquestes cures en general.

We have to think about how we feel about cures altogether.

And a lot of the time the question of parenthood is:

I la major part del temps, la qüestió de la paternitat és,

What do we validate in our children,

què donem per vàlid en els nostres fills,

and what do we cure in them?

i què volem curar en ells?

Jim Sinclair, a prominent autism activist, said,

Jim Sinclair, prominent activista de l'autisme, va dir:

"When parents say, 'I wish my child did not have autism,'

"Quan els pares diuen 'Desitjaria que el meu fill no fos autista',

el que realment estan dient és 'Desitjaria que el fill que tinc no existís

what they're really saying is, 'I wish the child I have did not exist

and I had a different, nonautistic child instead.'

i en canvi tingués un fill diferent, no autista'".

Read that again. This is what we hear when you mourn over our existence.

Llegiu això de nou. Això és el que sentim quan ploreu la nostra existència.

This is what we hear when you pray for a cure:

Això és el que sentim quan pregueu per una cura...

que el vostre major desitg per nosaltres

that your fondest wish for us is that someday we will cease to be,

és que un dia nosaltres deixarem d'existir

and strangers you can love will move in behind our faces."

i que els estranys que podeu estimar s'instal·laran darrera les nostres cares".

És un punt de vista molt extrem,

It's a very extreme point of view,

but it points to the reality that people engage with the life they have

però assenyala la realitat en què les persones interactuen amb la vida que tenen

i no volen ser curades o canviades o eliminades.

and they don't want to be cured or changed or eliminated.

They want to be whoever it is that they've come to be.

Volen ser el que sigui que han arribat a ser.

Una de les families que vaig enrevistar per aquest projecte

One of the families I interviewed for this project

was the family of Dylan Klebold,

va ser la família d'en Dylan Klebold, un dels perpetradors de la massacre de Columbine.

who was one of the perpetrators of the Columbine massacre.

Va costar molt de temps convèncer-los per parlar amb mi,

It took a long time to persuade them to talk to me,

and once they agreed, they were so full of their story

i quan van acceptar, estaven tan cansats de la seva història

that they couldn't stop telling it,

que no podien parar d'explicar-la.

I el primer cap de setmana que vaig passar amb ells, el primer de molts,

and the first weekend I spent with them, the first of many,

I recorded more than 20 hours of conversation.

vaig enregistrar més de vint hores de conversa.

And on Sunday night, we were all exhausted.

I el diumenge a la nit, estàvem tots esgotats.

We were sitting in the kitchen. Sue Klebold was fixing dinner.

Estàvem asseguts a la cuina. La Sue Klebold estava preparant el sopar.

I vaig dir, "Si en Dylan estigués ara aquí,

And I said, "If Dylan were here now,

do you have a sense of what you'd want to ask him?"

tens idea del que t'agradaria preguntar-li?"

And his father said, "I sure do.

I el seu pare va dir, "I tant.

I'd want to ask him what the hell he thought he was doing."

Li demanaria què dimonis pensava que estava fent".

And Sue looked at the floor, and she thought for a minute.

I la Sue va mirar a terra i va pensar per un minut.

I després, va tornar a aixecar el cap i va dir,

And then she looked back up and said,

"Li demanaria que em perdonés per ser la seva mare

"I would ask him to forgive me for being his mother

i mai no saber què estava passant dins del seu cap".

and never knowing what was going on inside his head."

When I had dinner with her a couple of years later --

Quan vaig sopar amb ella un parell d'anys després,

one of many dinners that we had together --

un dels molts sopars que vam tenir junts,

she said, "You know, when it first happened,

em va dir, "Saps, quan va passar,

I used to wish that I had never married, that I had never had children.

acostumava a desitjar que mai no m'hagués casat, que mai no hagués tingut fills.

If I hadn't gone to Ohio State and crossed paths with Tom,

Si no hagués anat a l'estat d'Ohio i el meu camí no s'hagués creuat amb el d'en Tom,

aquest fill no hauria existit i això tan horrible mai no hauria passat.

this child wouldn't have existed,

and this terrible thing wouldn't have happened.

Però ara m'adono que l'amor que sentia pels meus fills va ser tan gran

But I've come to feel that I love the children I had so much

that I don't want to imagine a life without them.

que no podria imaginar-me una vida sense ells.

I recognize the pain they caused to others,

Reconec el dolor que els va causar als altres, pel qual no hi pot haver perdó,

for which there can be no forgiveness,

but the pain they caused to me, there is," she said.

però el dolor que em va causar a mi, sí que es pot perdonar", va dir.

"Així doncs, malgrat que reconec que hauria estat millor pel món

"So while I recognize that it would have been better for the world

if Dylan had never been born,

si en Dylan mai no hagués nascut,

I've decided that it would not have been better for me."

he decidit que no hauria estat millor per mi".

Vaig pensar que era sorprenent com aquestes famílies tenien fills amb tots aquests problemes,

I thought it was surprising

how all of these families had all of these children

with all of these problems,

problems that they mostly would have done anything to avoid,

problemes que, en gran mesura, haurien fet el possible per evitar-los,

and that they had all found so much meaning in that experience of parenting.

havien trobat tant de sentit a la seva experiència com a pares.

I després vaig pensar, tots nosaltres que tenim fills

And then I thought, all of us who have children

love the children we have, with their flaws.

estimem els fills que tenim, amb els seus defectes.

Si un àngel gloriós, de cop i volta, descendís del sostre del meu menjador

If some glorious angel suddenly descended through my living-room ceiling

and offered to take away the children I have

i m'oferís d'emportar-se els fills que tinc

and give me other, better children --

i donar-me uns altres de millors, més educats, divertits, amables, intel·ligents,

more polite, funnier, nicer, smarter --

(Laughter)

m'aferraria als meus fills i pregaria perquè aquest espectacle atroç se n'anés.

I would cling to the children I have and pray away that atrocious spectacle.

I en el fons sento

And ultimately,

I feel that in the same way that we test flame-retardant pajamas in an inferno

que de la mateixa forma que provem pijames piroretardants en un infern

to ensure they won't catch fire when our child reaches across the stove,

per assegurar-nos que no s'inflamaran quan els nostres fills arribin a l'estufa,

so these stories of families negotiating these extreme differences

les històries d'aquestes famílies negociant aquestes diferències extremes

reflect on the universal experience of parenting,

serveixen per reflexionar sobre la experiència universal de ser pares,

which is always that sometimes, you look at your child, and you think,

quan de vegades mires al teu fill i penses,

d'on has vingut?

"Where did you come from?"

(Laughter)

(Riure)

It turns out that while each of these individual differences is siloed --

Resulta que mentre que cadascuna d'aquestes diferències individuals és aïllada

there are only so many families dealing with schizophrenia,

hi ha tantes families que han d'enfrontar-se amb l'esquizofrènia,

only so many families of children who are transgender,

hi ha tantes famílies amb fills que són transexuals,

hi ha tantes famílies amb prodigis...

only so many families of prodigies --

who also face similar challenges in many ways --

que també han d'encarar problemes similars en moltes formes,

there are only so many families in each of those categories.

hi ha tantes famílies en cadascuna d'aquestes categories...

però quan comences a pensar

But if you start to think

that the experience of negotiating difference within your family

que l'experiència de negociar la diferència dins de la teva família

és el que molta gent està afrontant,

is what people are addressing,

llavors descobreixes que és un fenomen quasi universal.

then you discover that it's a nearly universal phenomenon.

Ironically, it turns out,

Irònicament, resulta que les nostres diferències, i el nostre enfocament de la diferència,

that it's our differences and our negotiation of difference

that unite us.

és el que ens uneix.

I decided to have children while I was working on this project.

Vaig decidir tenir fills quan estava treballant en aquest projecte.

And many people were astonished and said,

I moltes persones estaven sorpreses i em deien,

"But how can you decide to have children

"Com pots decidir tenir fills

quan estàs estudiant que tot pot sortir malament?"

in the midst of studying everything that can go wrong?"

And I said, "I'm not studying everything that can go wrong.

I vaig dir, "No estic estudiant que tot pot anar malament.

What I'm studying is how much love there can be,

El que estic estudiant és quant d'amor hi pot haver,

even when everything appears to be going wrong."

fins i tot quan tot sembla que va malament".

I thought a lot about the mother of one disabled child I had seen,

Vaig pensar molt sobre la mare d'un fill amb discapacitats que havia vist,

un noi amb una discapacitat severa, que va morir degut a una negligència d'un cuidador.

a severely disabled child who died through caregiver neglect.

And when his ashes were interred, his mother said,

I quan les seves cendres van ser enterrades, la seva mare va dir:

"Prego aquí pel perdó, per haver estat la víctima de dos robatoris,

"I pray here for forgiveness for having been twice robbed:

once of the child I wanted,

una pel fill que vaig voler, i l'altre pell fill que vaig estimar".

and once of the son I loved."

And I figured it was possible, then, for anyone to love any child,

I vaig veure que era possible que tothom estimés un fill

if they had the effective will to do so.

si tenien una voluntat efectiva per a fer-ho.

Així que el meu marit és el pare biològic de dos fills

So, my husband is the biological father of two children

with some lesbian friends in Minneapolis.

amb unes amigues lesbianes de Mineàpolis.

Una amiga meva propera de la universitat es va divorciar i volia tenir fills.

I had a close friend from college who'd gone through a divorce

and wanted to have children.

And so she and I have a daughter,

Així que ella i jo tenim una filla,

and mother and daughter live in Texas.

i la mare i la filla viuen a Texas.

And my husband and I have a son who lives with us all the time,

I el meu marit i jo tenim un fill que viu amb nosaltres tot el temps

of whom I am the biological father,

del qual jo en sóc el pare biològic,

i el nostre substitut en l'embaràs va ser la Laura,

and our surrogate for the pregnancy was Laura,

the lesbian mother of Oliver and Lucy in Minneapolis.

la mare lesbiana de l'Oliver i la Lucy a Mineàpolis.

(Laughter)

(Aplaudiments)

So --

(Applause)

Per abreviar, hi ha cinc pares amb quatre fills en tres estats.

The shorthand is: five parents of four children in three states.

(Laughter)

And there are people who think that the existence of my family

I hi ha persones que pensen que l'existència de la meva família

somehow undermines or weakens or damages their family.

d'alguna forma perilla o dificulta o fa mal a la seva família.

And there are people who think that families like mine

I hi ha persones que pensen que famílies com la meva

shouldn't be allowed to exist.

no haurien d'existir.

And I don't accept subtractive models of love,

I no accepto models de sostracció d'amor, només d'addició.

only additive ones.

And I believe that in the same way that we need species diversity

I crec que de la mateixa manera que necessitem diversitat d'espècies

to ensure that the planet can go on,

per assegurar que el planeta pot continuar,

també necessitem diversitat d'afecció i diversitat de família

so we need this diversity of affection and diversity of family

in order to strengthen the ecosphere of kindness.

per tal d'enfortir la nostra ecosfera d'amabilitat.

El dia en què el nostre fill va néixer,

The day after our son was born,

the pediatrician came into the hospital room

la pediatra va entrar a l'habitació de l'hospital i va dir que estava preocupada.

and said she was concerned.

He wasn't extending his legs appropriately.

[El nostre fill] no estenia les seves cames de forma apropiada.

Va dir que això podia significar que tenia un problema cerebral.

She said that might mean that he had brain damage.

Insofar as he was extending them, he was doing so asymmetrically,

En la mesura que les extenia, ho feia de forma asimètrica,

which she thought could mean that there was a tumor of some kind in action.

motiu pel qual ella va pensar que podia tenir un tumor.

I tenia un cap molt gran, per la qual cosa va creure que podia tenir hidrocefàlia.

And he had a very large head,

which she thought might indicate hydrocephalus.

And as she told me all of these things,

I mentre ella em deia totes aquestes coses,

I felt the very center of my being pouring out onto the floor.

anava sentint com el centre de la meva existència es vessava al terra.

And I thought, "Here I had been working for years

I vaig pensar que havia estat treballant durant anys

on a book about how much meaning people had found

en un llibre sobre el sentit que les persones havien trobat

in the experience of parenting children who were disabled,

en la experiència de ser pares amb fills discapacitats,

i no volia unir-m'hi.

and I didn't want to join their number

because what I was encountering was an idea of illness."

Perquè m'estava enfrontant la idea de malaltia.

And like all parents since the dawn of time,

I com tots els pares des de l'inici dels temps,

volia protegir el meu fill de la malaltia.

I wanted to protect my child from illness.

I també em volia protegir a mi mateix de la malaltia.

And I wanted, also, to protect myself from illness.

And yet, I knew from the work I had done

I no obstant sabia, per la feina que havia fet

que si tenia alguna de les coses per les quals començaríem a fer-li probes,

that if he had any of the things we were about to start testing for,

que aquestes serien, finalment, la seva identitat,

that those would ultimately be his identity,

i que si eren la seva identitat, passarien a ser la meva identitat,

and if they were his identity, they would become my identity,

that that illness was going to take a very different shape as it unfolded.

que aquella malaltia tindria una forma diferent quan es desenvolupés.

We took him to the MRI machine, we took him to the CAT scanner,

El vam portar a la màquina de ressonància magnètica, el vam portar a a fer-li un TAC,

we took this day-old child and gave him over for an arterial blood draw.

vam portar aquest nadó d'un dia per a què li traguessin sang.

We felt helpless.

I ens vam sentir vençuts.

And at the end of five hours,

I després de cinc hores,

ens van dir que el seu cervell estava bé

they said that his brain was completely clear

and that he was by then extending his legs correctly.

i que ja podia estendre les cames correctament.

And when I asked the pediatrician what had been going on,

I quan vaig demanar a la pediatra què havia estat passant,

she said she thought in the morning, he had probably had a cramp.

em va dir que al matí es pensava que ell havia tingut probablement una enrampada.

(Laughter)

(Riure)

But I thought --

Però vaig pensar com la meva mare tenia raó.

(Laughter)

I thought how my mother was right.

I thought, "The love you have for your children

Vaig pensar, l'amor que tens pels teus fills

is unlike any other feeling in the world.

és diferent de qualsevol altre sentiment en el món,

And until you have children, you don't know what it feels like.

i no és fins que tens fills, que pots saber com és.

Penso que els nens em van atrapar

I think children had ensnared me

the moment I connected fatherhood with loss.

en el moment en què vaig connectar la paternitat amb la pèrdua.

Però no estic segur si hauria vist que

But I'm not sure I would have noticed that

si no hagués estat tan endinsat en el meu projecte de recerca,

if I hadn't been so in the thick of this research project of mine.

I'd encountered so much strange love,

m'hauria trobat amb tant d'amor estrany,

and I fell very naturally into its bewitching patterns.

i vaig caure naturalment en els seus patrons embruixadors.

And I saw how splendor can illuminate even the most abject vulnerabilities.

I vaig veure com l'esplendor pot il·luminar inclús les vulnerabilitats més miserables.

Durant aquests 10 anys, vaig ser testimoni i vaig aprendre

During these 10 years, I had witnessed and learned

la joia aterradora de la insuportable responsabilitat,

the terrifying joy of unbearable responsibility,

and I had come to see how it conquers everything else.

i em vaig adonar que conquereix tota la resta.

I tot i que de vegades havia pensat que els pares que estava entrevistant eren bojos,

And while I had sometimes thought the parents I was interviewing were fools,

enslaving themselves to a lifetime's journey with their thankless children

esclavitzant-se a si mateixos al viatge d'una vida amb els seus fills ingrats,

i intentant trobar la seva identitat des de la misèria,

and trying to breed identity out of misery,

vaig comprendre aquell dia que la meva investigació m'havia construït un tauló

I realized that day that my research had built me a plank

i que ja estava preparat per unir-me al seu vaixell.

and that I was ready to join them on their ship.

Gràcies.

Thank you.

(Applause and cheers)

(Aplaudiments)

Thank you.